


Deceptions & Secrets

by DivergentPanda46, FourTrisHEA



Category: Divergent - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, F/M, Family Secrets, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-17 23:37:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 199,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11279148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivergentPanda46/pseuds/DivergentPanda46, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FourTrisHEA/pseuds/FourTrisHEA
Summary: When tragedy strikes, Beatrice Prior's life is turned upside down, her plans for the future are jeopardized, and life becomes a lot more complicated. The one silver lining to the path set before her comes in the form of a certain blue-eyed boy in gray.





	1. Prologue / Chapter 1: Prior Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Unique/Differences to this version:  
> ** Choosing Ceremony occurs when someone is 18, no longer 16  
> ** Ages at story start: Tobias is 17, Twins Beatrice and Caleb are 16.    
> ** There is a little over a year age difference between Tobias and the twins.  
>    -- Tobias’s Birthday is May 18th  
>    -- Tris & Caleb’s Birthday is July 8th  
> ** There will no war in this story  
> ** Initiation lasts two months rather than 2-3 weeks  
>    
> Disclaimers:  
> **The Divergent Series and its characters are property of the original author, Veronica Roth.  Quotes from the original book series may be integrated into the story on occasion-- if you recognize it from Divergent, we didn’t write it.**  
>    
> This story contains implications and references to adult-intimate-situations, minor foul language, domestic/child abuse, and mild violence.

# Prologue

#    


**Beatrice POV - Early December ******  
  
Every Wednesday, the council, which is the governing body of our city, meets to discuss current issues.  On those days, my father comes home tired, stressed, and usually late.  Tonight was my turn to make dinner, and I started it a half hour later than usual.  I don’t want my father to have to eat a cold meal after a long day.  I finished cooking the chicken just before he came in the door tonight, and my twin brother, Caleb, and I had the food on the table before Father finished washing his hands.  
  
Caleb and I sit down at the table and wait.  First Mother joins us.  Father skims his hand over my blond hair as he makes his way to his chair.  The Abnegation rarely show physical affection-- the most I have ever seen my parents touch is occasional hand-holding at the dinner table-- so the gesture fills me with warmth.  
  
We say grace and begin to eat.  The corners of my father’s lips turn downward in a slight frown, and the crease between his eyes is prominent.  It must have been a difficult day.  
  
I hold my breath waiting to see if my father’s expression will give away the severity of this latest issue.  I am still on edge after the serious tensions our society dealt with three years ago.  There was a severe unrest with how things were governed and it appeared that the Erudite wanted to challenge us for the right to be the governing faction.  From overhearing my parents’ discussions I know that, for a short time, war was a possibility.  It was also then that I learned about the term Divergent; it is something that is still feared today.  Divergents are people in our society that do not fit into one of the five factions.  It is frowned upon, something that was never spoken of.  Erudite had accused Abnegation of hiding Divergents in the Factionless sector or even in our own faction.  War would have been ridiculous as the faction to win would be which ever Dauntless sides with, as they have the weapons and combat training.    
  
Thankfully the leaders of the five factions were able to meet and negotiate a truce.  One of the outcomes of that truce was to change the age at which a person has their Choosing Day.  It used to be sixteen, but they all agreed that allowing the choice to happen at eighteen would allow for the youth of our future to make a more mature decision.   I was never able to hear how the Divergent issue was resolved, nor was it something I was willing to ask my mother about.  She would have known I had overheard my parents’ private discussion.  
  
I shudder remembering what a stressful time that was for our family.  I wait quietly to hear if my parents will discuss the concerns of today in front of us.  
  
“Tell me, Andrew,” my mother says gently to my father.  Caleb and I do not speak at dinner unless directly asked a question; our listening ears are our gift to our parents.  It will be our turn to speak when we gather by the fire in the sitting room after dinner.  “Tell me what is bothering you.  The meeting didn’t go well?”  
  
Father sighs.  “The meeting was fine.  I’m concerned about Marcus.  He seemed distracted today.  I wonder if he is well?”  Our faction, Abnegation, is the governing faction of our city.  The responsibility falls to us because we value selflessness; power is best left to those who do not desire it.  My father is the second most influential official on our council, and Marcus Eaton is the first.  Marcus is a widower; his wife passed away years ago, leaving Marcus to raise their son on his own.  I have never met Marcus’s son.  
  
My father is telling my mother more about today’s council meeting, but my mind wanders.  Abnegation are not supposed to gossip, but sometimes they do-- we are human, after all.  Yesterday I heard our next door neighbor, Mrs. Black, talking with Mrs. Jones from across the street about Marcus Eaton.  Mrs. Black was pointing out to Mrs. Jones how odd it was that Marcus still has not remarried nearly a decade after his wife’s death.  Most Abnegation marry again very quickly when widowed, especially if they have children to raise.  As the women’s conversation continued, they commented how different things are for a man versus a women in this instance.  Marcus was easily able to support himself and his child.  However, a woman left without her husband would be destitute and need to remarry as soon as possible.  Still, I wonder why Marcus never did?  As far as I know, just like my own family, the Eatons don’t have extended family nearby to help out.  
  
I wonder what it was like for Marcus’s son, growing up without his mother.  I can’t imagine losing one of my parents.  My mother is so kind and selfless, and patient and gentle.  My father is much more opinionated than is typical of the Abnegation, but he tries his best, and I admire him.  I am close with my brother as well-- we don’t always get along, but he is still my best friend.  
  
After dinner we enjoy our family time by the fire.  Mother and I knit blankets for the factionless while Caleb tells us about what he learned in science class today.  The routine of each day is reliable and comforting.  It’s often difficult for me to remember not to talk too much about myself and things that interest me-- speaking too much about myself would be selfish, and would earn me a disapproving glare from Caleb-- so I usually listen more than I speak.  
  
Soon Caleb goes to do his homework in his bedroom.  I completed mine earlier; he is probably doing something extra.  I go to my favorite place to think: the roof.  There is a fire escape outside my bedroom window, and if I balance one foot on the railing, I can reach the top of the flat roof of our gray, concrete house and pull myself up.  
The roof is covered in snow, but my coat is long and keeps me dry, and the night is clear.  It’s a perfect night to think and watch the stars, though I will have to be sure I don’t stay out in the cold too long.    
  
All around me are rooftops identical to the one I sit on.  Everything in Abnegation is uniform in this way.  We live in identical houses, we wear our hair in identical styles, we wear the same drab, baggy clothing.  We strive to forget ourselves, and to make ourselves blend in as much as possible.  Today I saw the pine trees in the city center.  People were buying them and carrying them home.  Caleb told me that they call them Christmas trees, and people put pretty lights and decorations on them, then they put the Christmas gifts under the tree.    
  
I’ve never received a gift before, and we don’t celebrate Christmas in Abnegation, though we do spend that day helping the factionless.  Birthdays are acknowledged with a day free from chores, though it always feels to me a bit like a test: if I am truly selfless, I won’t accept the day off.  I always do anyway.  Caleb and I turned sixteen in July, just a few weeks after the Choosing Day.  
  
I love my family and hate the idea of ever leaving them, but selflessness just does not come naturally to me.  Not like it does for my parents and for Caleb.  Can I be happy here, always blending in, never thinking of myself, for the rest of my life?  In two and a half years, on June 15 when we are eighteen years old, Caleb and I will choose the factions we will spend the rest of our lives in.  Can I be selfless enough to choose to stay for my family?  Maybe I can.  I’m not sure.  I am fascinated with Dauntless, the brave faction, but a lot can change in two and a half years, and I am not sure I could ever leave-- not when it means leaving my family behind.  Maybe by then I will want to stay in Abnegation gray, but if I were to choose today, I think I would want to be in Dauntless black.  
  
When I can no longer control my shivering, I climb off the snow-covered roof and back through my bedroom window.  
  
The next morning, my late night out on the roof catches up with me.  Mother touches my forehead with the back of her hand as I slouch at the breakfast table, the corners of her lips turning down in a frown.  I cough and rest my head on the table, using my arm as a pillow.  “You have a bit of a fever,” my mother tells me.  “I think you had better stay home today.”  
  
I sigh.  Today my father has a meeting at the Hub and is riding the bus with Caleb and me.  I was looking forward to the extra time with him.  But Mother is right; I don’t feel well at all.  I must have caught a cold.  
  
I say goodbye to Father and Caleb as Mother boils water to make me some tea before she leaves for work.  “Goodbye, Natalie,” I hear my father say.  “Have a good day.  I love you.”  
  
Father stops next to me, giving me a kiss on the forehead.  “Get lots of rest, Beatrice,” he says gently.  “I hope to find you feeling better when I return home tonight.  I love you.”  
  
“Bye, Beatrice,” Caleb calls, his hand already on the door handle.  
  
I lift my head off the table and wave at them both.  “Goodbye, Dad, goodbye, Caleb.  I love you both.  See you tonight.”  
  
Then my mother gives me my tea and leaves for her job coordinating volunteers, and I am alone.  
  
**++o+ Chapter End +o++ ******

  
  


# Chapter 1: Prior Changes

#    


_**Six Months before Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony (Early December)  
   
Beatrice POV**_  
   
I have been to my share of Abnegation funerals, they are all the same: simple, no large expression of emotions and most important - - very somber.  A funeral must be a solemn occasion.  Everyone gathers to support the deceased’s family, and no one has idle hands.   _This one_ is no different.  
   
There is no laughter, or shouting, or joking, which suits me just fine, as I am overcome with my own grief.  I glance at my mother, driven by a strong desire to watch over her and make sure she is well.  And at the same time it pains me to look at her.  In just days she has become a shell of the woman she used to be.   _She is still here,_ I remind myself.   _She is still here with me._  
   
I can’t fault her; losing your husband and only son on the same day is something no woman should ever have to endure.     
   
My father and Caleb died three days ago.    
   
Every time I let my guard down, every time I let my mind wander, my last moments with my father and brother replay in my mind, tormenting me with my grief.  
 

> _Father stops next to me, giving me a kiss on the forehead.  “Get lots of rest, Beatrice,” he says gently.  “I hope you are feeling better when I get home tonight.  I love you.”  
>     
>  “Bye, Beatrice,” Caleb calls, his hand already on the door handle.  
>     
>  I lift my head off the table and wave at them both.  “Goodbye, Dad, goodbye, Caleb.  I love you both.  See you tonight.”_

   
But I did not see them that night.  Instead, my mother woke me from my sleep just a few hours later, as I was sick and she had sent me to my room to rest.  I still remember how her shaking hands touched my shoulder and side.  For a moment I thought she was being playful and trying to tickle me, which in itself would be strange as that is a form of affection I have only seen the Dauntless children do at school while joking around.  
   
My mother could barely contain her tears; pale and shaking, she instructed me to be strong, that we only had each other now.  When I asked her what she meant, her jaw trembled as she said the words.  
   
My father and brother were dead, killed in a terrible bus accident that had happened just after they left the house.  I was frozen, in that moment I felt nothing, I actually felt like I was nothing.  As though the ground had opened and swallowed me whole.    
   
As I opened my mouth to release the grief that was bubbling up in my chest, my mother broke down.  Instead, I swallowed my sound, and watched in horror as she buried her face in her hands and screamed.  I realized in that moment, my mother was unable to let go of her feelings until she was with me.  She needed me to be strong.  
   
And strong is what I am being now.  My mother needs me now.  She is all I have, and I am all she has, as well.  I haven’t cried yet.  I am too tired to cry.  One day I will, I know it will happen.  But not today.  My mother needs me to be strong today.  
   
I glance at her.  She is sitting in a chair by the closed caskets, her face stoic and still.  The only movement is the tears that slowly fall down her cheeks.  Even her neck is wet, as she has not bothered to lift her hand to wipe them away with the handkerchief she grips tightly in her fingers.  
   
I walk over slowly, and bend to take the cloth out of her hand.  I offer her my hand and wait; it takes her a moment to focus and take hold.  I gently lead her to the small sitting room that is off to the side.    
   
As she follows behind me, I politely nod to the adults that we pass.  Mr. Black moves quickly to hold the door open for us, anticipating the direction in which we are heading.  I thank him for his kindness and assure him we will just be a moment.    
   
Mr. Black quietly closes the door behind us.  I guide my mother sit for a few moments on the couch.  As I am about to help wipe the tears off her neck and cheeks, there is a soft knock at the door.  I frown, but quickly walk over to stand in front of the doorway, instinctively needing to block the visitor’s view of the room.  I brought Mother into this room so she could have privacy as she grieves.  I sigh and wipe all expression from my face before I pull the door open.  There stands Mrs. Black, holding a glass of water that she wanted to offer my mother.  She hands it to me and then shuts the door behind her, as not to disturb us further.  
   
In that moment, my stomach clenches with guilt.  All of these people are here to support us, to show us that we are not alone, while all I want is for this dreaded event to end quickly.  There is nothing anyone here can do that will help the emptiness I feel inside.  There is no one here that is going to help me, to support my mother.  That is not Mrs. Black’s fault, she is being kind.    
   
It is another reminder…I do not belong in Abnegation.    
   
“Beatrice, please sit with me,” my mother calls softly, her voice hoarse from crying.  “Please.”  
   
I nod and sit next to her on the couch, my hands folded in my lap, my knee grazing hers.  She takes a large sip of water, then closes her eyes for a moment.  
   
“I am sorry, I feel as though I have failed you these days.  I am your mother, and I should be supporting you…” she whispers.  
   
It is the most I have heard her say in days; the only sounds coming out of her mouth have been sobs and moaning.  I have never seen someone suffer the way that she has.  At times I have needed to remind myself of who she is, of who I am.    
   
Detaching myself from my emotions, from reality, almost, is the only way I have been able to function, the only way I have been able to be strong for her.  And I will do it again now.  
   
“Mom, I love you and I am here for you.  I am ok.  It is you I’m worried about.  Please, have another sip of water,” I say calmly as she accepts the glass again.  
   
“You and me, we’re in this together?” I prompt her.  My heart suddenly fills with terror at the thought of her leaving me too.  At the thought of being completely alone.  
   
“I don’t know how…I don’t know what our life will be without your father’s support.  But yes, we will find a way to somehow survive.  Thankfully the Abnegation faction will find a way for us to continue.  I am with you.  I will never leave you.”  
   
She talks slowly and quietly, I almost need to strain to hear her.  She tells me that one day, she prays I will know a love as wonderful and pure as what she experienced with my father.  I bite my cheek to keep my emotions at bay, afraid that if I make even one sound, my mom will disappear again into her grief.  
   
She smiles at me and tells me the story of the day that Caleb and I were born.  It is one that neither of our parents had ever shared with us.  For a moment I am overwhelmed with terrible sadness that Caleb is not alive to hear it as well. _Father will tell him,_ I tell myself.  I have to believe that.    
   
I listen with full attention on my mother as she tells me about the excitement and worry that she and my father felt, it was exhilarating.  Caleb was born first, and she recounts how as she continued to labor with me, she was able to watch my father across the room holding and loving their son.  The joy that it brought her, so much that she felt my entrance into the world was so smooth and joyous.  All of her worry was gone.    
   
Tears streaming down her face, “I am telling you this, Beatrice, because I want you to know the image I have in my mind.  Caleb’s father first held him when he entered this world.  And the only peace I have... is that he held him when they both left.”  
   
She touches a cool hand to my cheek, and I smile.  It is the first time she has shown me that she is still there, that she is still my mom.  I need her just as much as she needs me.  
   
“Momma, I’ve done ok?  I just want to be strong for you,” I whisper. I need to hear her say it.  I need to know that I am enough.  I know we are not whole, but I pray that I am enough for her.  Enough for her to hold on, to hold on and stay with _me._  
   
“Yes,” she says, her eyes bright with tears.  “My dear child, you’ve done so well.”  
   
“What will we do now?” I choke on a sob as the image of my father and Caleb comes into my mind, of our family of four sitting around the table, the peace in the quiet that was always present, the love that I know my parents had.  “What will we do without _them?”_  
   
“You and me, we’ll care for each other,” she says.  “That’s what people do.”  
   
I smile at her and she pulls me into her arms.  For the first time in days I close my eyes and go gladly into her embrace.    
   
 **++o++**  
   
After we return to the main funeral I sit back and watch as my mother is approached by various adults.  There is a long line that she is expected to greet and accept condolences from.  It is custom in an Abnegation funeral that the children are present, but silent at all times.  It was only my neighbors, Susan and Robert, that pulled me aside and privately wrapped their arms around me.    
   
It was actually Robert that hugged both me and his sister tightly.  Which is very unusual for an Abnegation boy to do; I am feeling oddly uncomfortable in general.  
   
I remember in that moment…Susan and Caleb.  How could I forget?  How could I be so selfish?  Moments like this, I realize that I am not cut out for Abnegation.  Although now, I do not think it matters where I belong.  I would never leave my mother completely alone in Abnegation.  Was it just a few days ago that I sat on the roof, dreaming of Dauntless?  Now, that night feels like it was a lifetime ago.    
   
Robert offers his support to both me and his sister.  He and I have been exchanging looks for the past year as Susan and Caleb flirted in the tentative way known only to the Abnegation.  On numerous occasions I noticed the way Caleb’s eyes followed Susan wherever she went.  I’d have to grab his arm and startle him from his daze.  In the beginning, Caleb would blush, the tips of his ears turning red.  He would make a face or gesture to imply that it meant nothing.  
   
But in recent weeks, he smiled at me and looked so genuinely happy.  I wondered if he would be able to control himself until Susan finished her Abnegation initiation before he officially courted her.  Waiting would have been required, and she would complete initiation one year after Caleb, Robert and I.  
   
Susan has also lost something great today: her promise of a future with Caleb, or the possibility, at least.    
   
I thank them and excuse myself.  As I step away, looking over my shoulder, I take a moment to watch the brother and sister moment that they are sharing.  I feel a stab of jealously.  My brother is gone.  
   
I need air, I need to think.  I slip quietly through the gathering area and slowly climb up the stairs of the funeral home.  
   
I look for a way to get to the roof.  
   
As everything in Abnegation is uniform, I quickly find the fire escape out of the upstairs bathroom window, and I repeat my usual routine to pull myself up.  
   
I think back to the night before our lives changed, and how I had climbed up to my favorite spot.  It had been cold and the roof was covered in snow.  That was how I got sick, and that is why I am still alive today.  Had I been well enough to go to school, I would have been on that bus with my father and brother.     
   
Today is different.  It is as though the sky has opened to bless us with sunlight.  Although it is December, the snow that had covered the roofs is now gone.  All around me, the gray, concrete houses are alike: clear of snow, dry, just a chill in the air.  I regret leaving my coat behind, but retrieving it would have called too much attention to myself.    
   
I step toward the ledge-- I want to see if there is snow sticking to the grass in the small front lawns.  It dawns on me that in my haze, I have barely been aware of my physical surroundings.  
   
“You aren’t going to jump, are you?” a deep voice startles me so much that I gasp and whirl around.  
   
My eyes landing on a young man.  He is wearing Abnegation gray and for the briefest of moments I allow myself to pretend it is Caleb.  He is coming to tell me that it was all a terrible mistake.  They look about the same age and have a similar build…both tall, both wear the same clothing style-- or would wear.  As I take him in with my eyes, I realize I am not seeing this person standing in front of me.  I am desperately looking for my twin brother.    
   
But Caleb is gone, and he won’t be coming back.  My face falls and tears well in my eyes.  I turn away and look out across the Abnegation community.  my question is answered: there is a dusting of snow still present on the grassy areas.  
   
Suddenly, two strong hands grip my shoulders, and I am gently guided away from the ledge.    
   
“I promise, I was not going to jump,” I mumble.  “I just needed to see something.  I’m ok.”  
   
Once we are away from the edge the hands slowly drop.  I turn around to look at the young man on the roof with me.      
   
As I had initially noticed, he is tall.  He has a spare upper lip and a full lower lip.  His eyes are so deep-set that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows, and they are dark blue, a dreaming, sleeping, waiting color.  
   
For the first time in days I am no longer thinking of Caleb, Father, or even my mother.  
   
He is handsome, but it is more than his good looks that holds my attention.  He looks kind, his eyes genuinely look at me with concern.  For the first time in a very long time, I feel as someone is really looking at _me._  
   
“It’s cold,” he says.  His voice is deep, and it rumbles. “Please take my coat.”  
   
I stare into his eyes and nod in appreciation.  He steps closer to me as his hands move to wrap the long grey coat around my shoulders.  I notice that his hands tremble slightly.  
   
As we are both Abnegation and unmarried, a closeness like this is unheard of.  But right now, in this moment, I don’t care.    
   
I don’t care about anything.  
   
“Thank you.  I...didn’t think this through.  I should have realized how cold it might be.  I needed to get…away,” I finish as I look back into his eyes.    
   
He rubs the back of his neck nervously, but he does not step away from me.  Nor do I; if anything, I find myself leaning closer to him.    
   
“Are you still cold?” he asks gently.  
   
“No, to be honest…I don’t feel anything.  But I should be asking you that-- now you don’t have a coat,” I say, frowning softly.  
   
He continues to stare at me, and I am surprised to feel butterflies in my stomach.  It is a feeling I have never experienced before, I have no idea what is happening.     
   
I bite my lower lip and I see that his eyes shift to look at them.  Before I can decide against it, my arm reached out from under his coat and I place my hand gently on his arm.  His skin feels warm under my touch.  
   
“Are you cold?” I repeat.    
   
He gulps, his Adam’s apple bobbing.  “A little, but that’s ok.  I am more worried about you.”  His eyes leave my lips to look into mine.  
   
“I’m fine.  Everything is fine,” I say.  But my voice betrays me, the waver in my tone making it obvious that I am suffering.  Heat swells behind my eyes as I think of my now broken family, my now broken life, and when I blink a tear slips out.  His eyes immediately soften with concern.  
   
I quickly turn my back to him and the hand that had touched his arm now covers my mouth as I desperately try to stifle a sob.  
   
But it is too late.  All the grief that I have stuffed away catches up to me and I am suddenly unable to control myself.  I bury my face in my hands and sob, my shoulders shaking uncontrollably, a deep and ugly cry.  I don’t think I have ever cried this way, and the only other time I have seen someone cry this way my own mother.  
   
Unexpectedly, I feel his strong arms wrap around me and I am pulled back into his chest.  He is much taller than I am, but he leans down to bury his face in my neck.  He is quiet but every so often he whispers to me, sometimes it is a simple sound, like a shhhh just to let me know he is here.  He tells me that I will be ok, that it will all be ok.  
   
It takes seconds for my emotions to shift.  No longer devastated by sadness, I abruptly whirl around and I am instantly face to face with the young man, our faces only inches apart.  We are breathing the same air.  
   
His eyes widen, I caught him off guard.  I grab onto the front of his sweater as I stare into his eyes.  “No,” I cry out, “things are not going to be ok!”  Tears stream down my face, I am suddenly angry, not at him but at life.  At my life.  I want to scream, but I know that I can’t.  Abnegation don’t do that sort of thing.    
   
His eyes skirt to my lips and his hand quickly moves to cup my face.  My anger is instantly replaced with another feeling; the shifts of my moods are almost dizzying.  His lips part as his eyes lower to my lips.  In that moment, I know what I need.  
   
“My name is Beatrice.  Beatrice Prior,” I mumble to him.  
   
His eyes meet mine, “I know, I’m Tobias Eaton.  Um… it’s nice to meet you.”    
   
I nod my head and then I stand on my toes in order to reach up and press my lips to his.  Our eyes are both open, I have no idea what I am doing.  I don’t think Tobias does either.  After a brief moment I pull back from him, in shock that I could ever be so bold.  I fall back on my heels again and bite my lower lip nervously.    
   
For a second his dark eyes are on mine, and he is quiet.  I bite my lip.  I am afraid of what he will say, I brace myself for his reaction.  I imagine he will scold me for being so reckless and forward.  So un-Abnegation.  
   
Then he touches my face and leans in close, brushing my lips with his.  As he presses his mouth to mine, I release my lower lip from between my teeth.    
   
I tense up at first, unsure of what is happening.  He pulls away and looks into my eyes, and I see nothing but kindness and warmth.  I smile at him, the first smile I have made in days.  
   
Tobias takes my face in his hands, his fingers strong against my skin, and kisses me again, firmer this time, more certain, both of our eyes now closing.    
   
I am more certain, too.  I move to stand on my toes again so I can lean into his kiss as I wrap an arm around him, sliding my hand up his neck and into his short hair.  
   
As our closed-lips kisses continue I am suddenly aware that one of his hands leaves my face and travels around my waist to pull me even closer to him.  He tucks his arm under his jacket so that I can feel the presence of his strong arm around me even more.  I moan softly, which shocks me and I pull away, my eyes wide.  
   
Tobias waits a moment before he tilts his head and begins kissing me more slowly.  His lips parting with each kiss, I feel as though my heart is going to explode.   As by instinct I tilt my head in the opposite direction and my lips part as well.    
   
His tongue tentatively caresses my lower lip and I press myself as close to him as possible, I just want to feel him as much as possible.    
   
“Beatrice,” he moans before kissing me firmly, his tongue slipping into my mouth.  We are both tentative at first, but then we both enjoy the feeling as my tongue joins in our dance.    
   
Suddenly we hear voices, and we gasp and jump apart.  It takes us a moment to realize that a family with unruly children have exited the funeral home.  They are on the ground, unable to see us.     
   
My heart is racing in my chest at the thought of someone catching us.  What am I doing?  
   
“I’m sorry!” we both blurt to each other.  We are both flustered and shocked.    
   
“I hope you can forgive me one day, what I did was inexcusable!  You are grieving and in pain, I should not have kissed you…and so…well…um…so hard,” Tobias rambles nervously.    
   
“Tobias, I kissed you _first._  You probably think I am some kind of…I don’t even know what the word would be for what you might think of me…” I say, my voice catching.  This is terrible.  
   
“No!  I’m sorry, and you’re sorry…let’s just agree it was a one-time mistake.  I forgive you, I hope that…”  
   
“I already forgave you!” I blurt out.    
   
He smiles at me, and I smile back.  We promise that we will never ever tell a single soul about this moment.  We also agree that we must both forget about it, and never think of it again.    
   
After returning his coat I leave the roof first and make my way downstairs.  No one has noticed my absence.  I take a seat quietly at one side of the room.  
   
Twenty minutes pass before I hear, “Tobias, there you are.  Come here and pay your respects to Mrs. Prior before you need to leave.”  
   
It is Marcus Eaton, my father’s peer calling his son over to speak with my mother.  I shrink down in my seat, praying I am not noticed.  I could not bear to stand near him, with our parents looking on.  I’m convinced they would read the combination of shame and longing on my face.    
   
The exchange is short and then I see that Marcus walks Tobias out of the front door.  I breathe a sigh of relief.  
   
I barely register that Marcus has returned to the funeral gathering and is standing firmly by my mother’s side for the remainder of the evening.    
   
 **++o+++ Chapter End ++o++**


	2. Wedded Bliss

**_Four Months before Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony (Early February)_**  
   


#### Beatrice POV

  
   
“Beatrice.”  My mother’s gentle voice creeps into my consciousness, into the space between dreams and waking.  A cool hand gently brushes my hair away from my face.  As it skims the blond hair at the top of my head, I almost think it is my father’s hand.  He often brushed his hand over it in just the same way.  
   
But then as I pull further from dreams into reality, I remember that my father and brother are dead, and we have been without them for two months now.  It is not my father lovingly stroking my hair, and it never will be.  I keep my eyes closed a few more moments.  I’m not ready to come back to reality right now.  
   
“Beatrice,” my mother says again.  “It’s time to wake up, dear child.”  I cannot avoid the truth any longer.  I open my eyes.  Mother sits at the edge of my bed, and her hand touches my cheek.  She smiles, but her eyes are still sad, grief-stricken.  Just as they are every morning.  For a moment, I take her in.  These past two months, since the accident, have aged her.  It feels like yesterday, and at the same time, it feels so long ago, as though it has been years since we were whole, as though it has been decades.  
   
“Good morning, Mother,” I murmur, my voice thick with sleep.  I sit up slowly, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.  
   
   
“Beatrice.”  Mother’s voice sounds tight, strained… but firm and resolute.  “Today is an important day.”  
   
My brow furrows in confusion.  What could be important about today?  It’s just another Saturday.  It isn’t a holiday, and I don’t remember being informed of any events planned for today.  I frown.  “What do you mean?  Important, how?”  
   
Mother sighs, but forces a smile.  “You know that we cannot survive on our own, Beatrice.  Marcus Eaton has asked for my hand, and I have accepted.  We will wed at noon.”  
   
I gape at her.  “Marriage?!  To… today?!” I stutter.  My eyes well with tears.  It has been only two months since my father died!  No one can replace him, and no one should try, so soon.  I bite my cheek and will away the tears that threaten to fall.  Mother just looks at me, patiently.  I look down at my lap and nod.  This turn of events only adds more fuel to the fire that is my anger, another downpour into the ocean that is my grief, but there is nothing I can do about it.  I know Mother loved them… I know she never wanted this, either.  But here we are.  
   
 **++o++**  
   
As I dressed, ate breakfast and did my chores, I was in a daze.  I know I did these things, but I hardly remember doing them.  It is almost as though I am back in those first days of grief-- I am numb, I am nothing.  It is not until my mother and I are walking silently to Abnegation Headquarters, to the meeting room where the ceremony will take place, dressed in our usual gray robes, our hair twisted in the usual knot, that it occurs to me that today not only will my father be replaced, but so will Caleb.  
   
We will be starting a new life with Marcus… and Tobias.  
   
My stomach clenches as I remember our moment on the roof.  I have been too wrapped in my grief these past months to even think of our indiscretion, but I think of it now.  That boy I kissed, that I was so scandalously close to, today will become my ‘brother’.  And our one and only previous meeting… was on that rooftop.  
   
When I kissed Tobias, I needed comfort, I was overwhelmed with grief.  I never thought I would see him again.  And now I have to live with him?!  I cringe anticipating what will undoubtedly be an awkward and uncomfortable reunion.  I can only hope that Marcus and my mother are too distracted with their nuptials to notice, because I doubt that we will both be able to hide it well.  
   
Before my anxiety can swell any further, we are walking up the steps to the meeting room.  I force all evidence of emotion from my face and steel myself for what will come next.  
   
The face of Abnegation headquarters is just a cement rectangle, like all the other buildings in the Abnegation sector.  But when we shove the front door open, familiar wood floors and rows of wooden benches arranged in a square greet me.  In the center of the room is a skylight that lets in a square of white sunlight.  It is the room’s only adornment.  
   
Marcus stands at the edge of the square of sunlight, and I see Tobias sitting on a bench behind him.  His eyes are wide and his face slack.  He looks as shellshocked as I feel.  Maybe it is difficult to accept that the parent you lost is being replaced no matter how long it has been since they passed away.  
   
I sit on my family’s old bench.  I used to sit next to my father, and Caleb, next to my mother.  I will keep my name today, but my mother will not.  She will take Marcus’s name and become Natalie Eaton.  Now I feel like the only one left.  The last Prior.  
   
When Marcus sees my mother, his whole face lights up.  The deep blue of his eyes appears brighter, his skin tone looks warmer, and he smiles with his whole face-- his whole body, almost.  
   
I make eye contact with Tobias, and we both quickly look away from one another.  I focus my attention on the ceremony that is taking place.  Jonah, a council member that worked with my father, comes forward from a bench in a corner and smiles sadly at Mother.  
   
The ceremony is short.  They exchange the usual vows and after they have each put a ring, just a simple silver band, on the other’s fourth finger on their left hand, they hold hands as they are pronounced husband and wife.  Throughout the ceremony, it’s as though I could feel Marcus’s excited energy from across the room, though he was facing away from me.  My mother, on the other hand, is somber, and her smile does not reach her eyes.  She looks at me as the ceremony concludes and I try my hardest to smile at her.  Just like at the funeral, I must be strong for her.  
   
 **++o++**  
   


#### Tobias POV

  
   
“Um…” I clear my throat and rub the back of my neck.  “It’s this one,” I say as I turn up the short concrete walk to the front door of my house, the house I have lived in since I was born, which looks exactly like every other house on my street.  Beatrice didn’t say a word to me, or even look at me, the entire walk here; she just glared at the sidewalk.  Even when we stopped at the supply warehouse-- where the food and other items for the factionless are sorted-- to get boxes, she did not make eye contact with me or speak a single word.  I was anxious enough to be seeing her again, especially under these circumstances, but the feeling intensified each time I glanced at her face.  She is beautiful, even when she’s scowling.  
   
When the wedding ceremony ended, Marcus informed us that he and I will be moving into Natalie and Beatrice’s house, as it has three bedrooms and ours has only two.  After instructing us to pack all his and my personal belongings tonight, so that we will be ready to move them in the morning, he quickly ushered Beatrice’s mother out of the meeting room, making it clear that he expects us to give them _privacy_ tonight.  Beatrice and I are to sleep at the house Marcus and I are moving out of.  
   
I let Beatrice step inside first, then I follow her, shutting the door behind me.  She looks around the living room for a moment, her hands clenched in fists at her sides, her jaw tense.  There’s really nothing to see; every Abnegation home looks the same-- the same worn gray furniture, the same floorplan, the same dishes, the same table and chairs, the same bare gray walls.  
   
Beatrice releases a heavy, exaggerated sigh.  “Well, let’s get this over with,” she says.  “You take the bedrooms.  I’ll pack the bathroom, kitchen and living room.”  She doesn’t wait for me respond before she picks up a few boxes from where we dropped them near the fireplace and marches into the kitchen, her eyes cold with anger.  “I can’t _believe_ I’m stuck doing this,” she mutters under her breath, but I’m still close enough to hear it.  I sigh and start upstairs with a small stack of boxes.  
   
It’s clear that she doesn’t want to be here with me, that she never wanted this.  I can’t blame her-- I’m sure I would feel the same way had Marcus remarried just months after my mother died.  As it is now, I’m not sure how to feel yet.  I don’t think a single day has gone by without me hoping to see her again one day.  But I certainly did not want to see her as my _sister._  And I would never have wished for Beatrice and her mother to end up stuck with _Marcus._  If Mrs. Prior-- I mean, Mother-- knew what Marcus is _really_ like, I am sure she would not have accepted his marriage proposal, no matter how destitute she and Beatrice were.  
   
It doesn’t matter any more.  We cannot change the situation we are now in.  I just hope things between us do not remain so tense and uncomfortable.  
   
I close the door to my room, making sure I hear it latch, before I begin packing.  It isn’t that I want to shut Beatrice out… but the first thing I plan to do is unlock and open the trunk my mother once gave me.  She told Marcus that it was to store spare blankets.  I take a moment to admire the blue glass sculpture, the trunk’s only contents at the time my mother placed it in my room.  So much is changing in my life, and it’s strange, almost overwhelming, to think that I am preparing to move to a home where my mother has never lived.  I close my eyes and inhale and exhale in steady, controlled breaths, then open my eyes and continue my work.  
   
I partially unfold one of the few extra blankets I have gathered-- the trunk has never actually held any sort of linens-- and partially unfold one.  Emptying the trunk one item at a time, I look for just a moment at each item in my collection as I place it on the blanket, smiling and shaking my head at the irony of the latest addition.  Adding the blue sculpture last, I re-fold the blanket so that it conceals and protects the secret collection of odd items, now tucked neatly inside, and place it at the bottom of the trunk, stacking the other two spare blankets on top.  As blankets are what Marcus has always been told would be stored in this trunk, I am hoping that my strategy will keep my secret collection from discovery.  
   
I place the trunk at the bottom of the large box, then pack my clothes first, stacks of pants and shirts, and my schoolwork and textbooks on top.  One box is all I need to carry every possession I own.  I keep my black marker out and label the box with my name; I certainly do not need Marcus opening this box and finding the sculpture or the rest of my collection.  
   
I can hear Beatrice moving things around downstairs as I cross the hall to Marcus’s room, shuddering as I pass the small hall closet.  Marcus’s room is much the same as my own.  I pause and swallow the lump in my throat as I carefully place his spare belt in the box on top of his clothes.  Most Abnegation men have only one belt, but Marcus has his own reasons for needing a spare.  My palms sweat and my hands shake, and I flinch when I notice a small spot of blood on the back of the belt.  My blood.  
   
I label the box with Marcus’s name and carry it into the hall.  Beatrice is in the bathroom emptying the drawers into another box; she must be done with the downstairs rooms.  “I can finish this if you want.  Or help you,” I offer.  For the first time today, she looks at me.  I bite my lip and my stomach churns with anxiety.  She still looks angry, but her gaze softens as she takes me in.  I don’t think it’s _me_ she is upset with, just the situation.  
   
She just looks at me and doesn’t say anything, so I wordlessly open the medicine cabinet and begin to carefully place its contents in the box, and she resumes cleaning out the drawers.  As I move onto the cabinet, I finally can’t take this awkward tension any longer.  
   
“Look… Beatrice…” I sigh.  “I know this isn’t… ideal.”  She snorts at what probably sounds like the understatement of the year to her.  “And I know that our… previous meeting… makes things even more awkward.  I’m upset about all this, too.  Can we just try to get along with each other?  Be, you know, on friendly terms, maybe?”  I watch her face hopefully.  
   
Beatrice sighs and her jaw relaxes.  She nods, and finally looks me in the eye.  “Yes.  I’m sorry.  I know this isn’t your fault.”  She looks away from me again as she packs the last cabinet.  “Let’s just be civil to one another and try not to have any issues.”  She closes the box and stands as I label it with the marker.  “I’ll go make dinner,” she says, and I watch her hurry out of the room.  
   
 **++o++**  
   
A scream rips me abruptly from my slumber.  The room is pitch black except for a sliver of pale moonlight shining through barely parted curtains; it is the middle of the night.  The screams continue, screams of terror, a girl’s voice.  It takes me a moment, but then it all comes back to me.  The wedding… my new ‘mother’, my new ‘sister’.  Beatrice.  
   
The moment I think her name my feet are on the floor, carrying me to Marcus’s room, where Beatrice is sleeping tonight, where the screams are coming from.    
   
I turn on the bedside lamp.  Beatrice is curled up with her knees against her chest, her eyes are shut tight, her face twisted in pain, her hands balled in fists.  I grip her shoulder and gently shake her.  “Beatrice!” I call out, not too soft and not too loud, my other hand brushing her hair from her face.  “Beatrice, wake up!  Wake up, Beatrice, it’s just a nightmare.”  
   
Beatrice finally awakens with a gasp.  She frantically rolls so she is upright, though still curled up, her hands gripping the sheet beneath her.  She looks at my face for only a second before throwing her arms around me, burying her face in my chest.  
   
Usually I’m simply very uncomfortable if someone cries in my presence, but in this moment, the sound of Beatrice sobbing into my chest is agonizing.  I am desperate to comfort her, to make everything better, even though I know that’s impossible-- I have lost a parent before, too.  So I sit down on the bed and pull Beatrice kind of into my lap; she is seated on my right leg with both legs hanging off to my right side.  This is definitely more contact than we should be having, given our faction’s customs and expectations, but I make no effort to change our position, and neither does Beatrice.  Her hold on me stays tight and she rests her head on my shoulder.  She sobs uncontrollably into my neck, much like she did on the roof of the funeral home two months ago.  I wrap my arms tightly around her back.  Her pain and grief rip through me, and it reminds me of how I felt during the months after my mother died.  
   
We stay like that for a long time, wrapped around one another, and I rock her gently back and forth, whispering to her in her ear, just letting her know that I’m there and she can cry as long as she needs to.  I don’t know how much time has passed-- it could be twenty minutes or it could be an hour-- when her sobs quiet to sniffles and sporadic hiccups.  She had let her golden hair down from its knot before bed.  It falls around her shoulders like curtains of satin, and it is soft under my fingers as I stroke it idly.    
   
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-- we shouldn’t...” Beatrice mumbles, trailing off, though she makes no effort to move, nor does she loosen her grip on me.  She takes a deep breath before she speaks again.  “I don’t mean to be such a mess,” she says.  “I just feel so…”  She shakes her head.  
   
“It’s wrong,” I say.  “It doesn’t matter if your father and brother are in a better place-- they aren’t here with you, and that’s wrong, Beatrice.  It shouldn’t have happened.  It shouldn’t have happened to you.  And anyone who tells you it’s okay is a liar.”  For a minute, the only sound is her quiet sniffling as I continue running my fingers along her hair.  
   
Then her sniffling dies out, and Beatrice pulls away and moves to sit next to me.  “What is it about you?” Beatrice says.  “I always end up...letting go with you.  All of this time, I have had to be strong for my mother, and I have succeeded.  But when I am with you, I can’t explain it...it is like I can finally let go and really _feel_ it.  Feel all of the pain.  This is the second time I have cried at all-- the first time was on the roof.  It must be something about _you.”_  
   
There’s something about her, too-- instead of getting as far away from her displays of emotion, like I would were it _anyone_ else, she draws me nearer.  But if there is anything to that, it can’t be, now that we’re ‘siblings’, so I try to diffuse my tension with a joke.  “Well, the last time we ended up kissing…”  
   
We both just smile-- I’m relieved that one of us has finally acknowledged exactly what has made us so nervous around one another, and I am guessing she feels the same.  
   
“Well,” Tris says, “now that we are _siblings_ , that is off the table.”  I just laugh and nod in agreement.    
   
“Right.  We’ll just have to… forget that happened, and be brother and sister from now on.”  
   
Tris flinches.  Did I say something wrong?  I frown.  
   
“I’m sorry,” Tris murmurs, looking down.  “It’s just… I _had_ a _real_ brother.  I miss him.  We were twins… we have always been together… and now…”  She swallows hard and bites her lip.  When she does that, I just want to run my thumb along it and pull it from between her teeth.  “I don’t want to replace Caleb.  No one could ever replace my twin brother.”  My heart sinks.  Of course she doesn’t want to replace her brother, or her father-- that is why today was so hard for her.  
   
“Beatrice,” I say, “of course no one can replace Caleb, and I would never want to.  Let’s just-- let’s just be friends, okay?  Publicly, and to our parents, of course, we are siblings.  But you don’t have to pretend that with _me.”_  
   
Beatrice smiles weakly, and nods.  “Friends,” she agrees.  I smile back at her.  
   
“Are you alright now?” I question her.  She nods.  I start to get up, but she quickly grips my arm, keeping me from leaving.  
   
She bites her lip again and avoids making eye contact.  “Can you-- can you stay with me?  Just… till I fall asleep again, anyway?  I just… I’m afraid I’ll have another nightmare, and I’m not used to this house and…”  
   
“Of course, I’ll stay,” I assure her.  She moves to get comfortable in the bed, and I lay next to her.  I am not sure what I’m thinking, or whether I am thinking at all, when I wrap an arm around her shoulders.  My eyes widen when I realize what I did, that I might be making her uncomfortable, but she cuddles into my side, one arm bent on top of my chest and her head resting on my shoulder.  I reach over to turn off the light.  Beatrice doesn’t say another word, and I just listen to her breathing.  
   
While she is sleeping soundly, now without a care in the world...I’m beginning to panic.  I really did not think this through.  When she asked me to stay, my answer was automatic-- anything she wanted, to make her feel safe, to keep me from having my heart wrenched with those screams again… and I don’t want to admit it, but deep down, I know I was jumping at the chance to stay close to her.  I don’t understand it.  I have never wanted to be close to someone like this before-- I don’t usually like anyone to touch me at all, which is rarely an issue, as we are taught here in Abnegation that touch is powerful, so it is not something we take lightly-- thoughtless touch is something that just does not happen here.  More importantly it is taught that we must respect our bodies, we must be honorable and chaste.  We are not even allowed to hold hands until marriage… and even then, it should only be in private, never in public.  
   
Yet, here I am… in _bed_ … with a _girl_ … an absolutely _beautiful_ girl.   _Since when do I notice a girl’s beauty, anyway?  Oh yeah-- since_ Beatrice.  We _just_ talked about what we are to each other-- only friends in private, and in public, we’re _siblings_ for God’s sake!  But clearly my lower anatomy did not get the memo.  Thank goodness she only draped herself over my chest, and didn’t put her leg over me, because if she felt what was going on down there… I don’t think I could ever look her in the eyes again.  
   
 _Calm down, Tobias.  Breathe.  Think of... killing puppies… or something._  I listen to her breaths slow to a steady, even rhythm as she drifts off to a deep sleep as I try to remind myself that she is now my _sister._  But when I am sure she is asleep, I don’t see any way to get out of this bed without waking her, and it has been so long since someone touched me in a kind way.  So I give in to my wish to stay right where I am, and with Beatrice still draped over my chest, I allow myself to drift off to sleep.  
   
 **++o++ Chapter End ++o++**


	3. Blending Families

_**Two weeks after the wedding (End of February)**_  
 

#### Tobias POV

   
Breathe in and out.    
   
Breathe in and out.  
   
I can do this.  I’ve been surviving this for years.  I am fine.  Everything is fine.  
   
No, everything is not fine.    
   
Damn Marcus!  I have been trapped in this cramped closet for hours now.    
   
I am in my own personal hell. It is tight in here, and dark, and there is an odd smell of worn clothes and shoes.  The only reassurance I have is that at some point today the girls will be home and I know I will be released before then.  Today will not be like the times that Marcus made me sleep in the closet overnight.    
   
For about five minutes I prayed and hoped that the addition of Natalie and Beatrice to our family would change my father.  I wanted to believe that having a beautiful wife, and even a second slave-- I mean child-- would be enough to satisfy Marcus in life.  And that I would finally be left alone.  
   
No such luck.  The only good that has come is that now Marcus needs to be very cautious about the beatings and closet punishments.  He made it very clear to me that under no circumstances would his wife or _that girl_ find out about how he is choosing to raise his son.    
   
Ah yes, when Natalie and Beatrice are not around, he refers to her as “that girl,” usually with a tone of disdain.  I get the impression that Marcus can’t wait for both of us to be out of his house, so he can have Natalie all to himself.  He seems to adore her; I once heard him proudly call her the _perfect Abnegation wife._  
   
I resituate myself in the cramped closet.  My method of survival has always been playing a little game with myself.  I move to different positions while trapped in here, and I see how long I can last in each one before needing to make a change.  The game has gotten to be more challenging as the years have gone by and I have grown significantly taller.  
   
My go to stances are standing straight, leaning against the back wall, and then of course the joy of sitting on the cramped floor, where we store shoes.  The times that Marcus has left me to sleep in this closet, I finally caved and moved the items from the floor into my lap so that I could sit on a flat floor and rest my eyes.  I got a terrible beating the first time I did that, Marcus opened the door before I had woken up and was furious that I had made a mess of his closet.    
   
   
I have to get away from him.  And soon.  
As I stand and lean against the back wall now, I allow my mind to wander to the last two weeks since the wedding.  I have a mother and a sister now.  Granted, Beatrice and I started off…in a very unusual way.  But I feel like we have both moved past that indiscretion as we are now embracing the life that has been handed to us.  We are being raised as brother and sister, me having lost my mother, she having lost her father.  We have a lot in common as well.  
   
I was very nervous when the honeymoon was over and Beatrice and I carried all of the boxes into the Prior home.  As we entered my new home, I half expected to see a broken woman in Natalie.  I remember vividly how cruel Marcus was to my own mother.    
   
Thankfully, there was no sign that anything sinister had happened between them.  I was relieved, I would gladly take any beating or punishment from my father if it would spare these two women that are now a part of my life.    
   
Natalie is very kind and consistent.  There are no surprises with her.  I have been carefully observing the interactions of mother and daughter, it is very calm and happy.  I feel no underlying ugliness lurking in the shadows.  Even when Beatrice does something wrong, or she loses herself and makes a snappy comment…Natalie is firm and corrects her, but there is no danger.  There is no fear in Beatrice’s eyes.    
   
Unlike Marcus, Natalie is not _cruel._  
   
She is a wonderful mother, and I will do anything I can to keep her and Beatrice safe.  They don’t deserve to experience what Marcus is capable of.  No one does, but I seem to bring it out in him.  
   
Before me, it was my mother.  I was nine when she died, but I was old enough to remember the home that I lived in before she was gone.  Marcus was awful to her in every way.  I think the rage he had for my mother was worse than anything I have yet experienced.  As I am growing older and looking back, I believe the pressure of a husband and wife relationship was something that drove Marcus even further along in his crazy need to control and punish.    
   
As much as I miss my mother, and I hate that I took her place…I have peace knowing that she is away and even in death, she is better off, because she is free from him.  I pray she is resting in peace.  
   
As much as I can tell Beatrice hates it, having her and Natalie join my family has been a big help.  As Marcus is the head of Abnegation there is a tremendous amount of responsibility and he is often not home, thankfully, but he also expects a perfect home at all times.  Before, it was on my shoulders alone to do everything.    
   
I would have to quietly wake up hours before school in order to get my chores done, just to be able to keep up.  And the one time I accidentally woke him up before he needed to…I will never forget that beating.  It was awful.    
   
When Marcus and Natalie sat Beatrice and I down to explain the new rules I noticed that Beatrice’s eyes almost fell out of her head and her lips made the perfect combination of a frown and a scowl.  Thankfully Marcus didn’t notice as he is in the habit of staring adoringly at Natalie at all times.  In the Prior home, Natalie was able to fully run her household, so while Caleb and Beatrice assisted, the volume of work was much less than what she and I are now covering in our new family of four.  
   
Aside from the long list of chores to maintain our family home, the other part of Marcus and Natalie’s huge responsibilities requires them to spend a large amount of time away from home.  I have always been so grateful that Marcus would work a full day, on many occasions only having time to eat a quick dinner and then be out the door again for another meeting.  He trains Natalie to handle her share of meetings as the wife of the Abnegation leader, and on the occasions that she does not have an event of her own he insists that she is by his side in order to support him. It is sickening really, he may save his physical abuse for me – but I can see that he makes it a point to control almost every single part of her day.  The man is obsessed with her.  
   
Natalie keeps an even face and shows no signs of unhappiness.  It is as though she has no opinion on the matter.  She is calm, polite and obedient at all times.  I have also seen her silence Beatrice with just a look.  Natalie does an amazing job of hiding her emotions, if they are really there.  My sister, on the other hand, does not.    
   
Beatrice is really struggling as we get used to our new day to day.  I am guessing it is a combination of the increase in work and not seeing her mother as much as she is accustomed.  I once tried to talk to her about it and she shut me down.  She flat out said she didn’t want to talk about it with _me._  I chose to drop the subject.    
   
Over the last two weeks Beatrice and I have gotten used to spending a lot of time alone together.  We basically have school every day and then we need to rush home and work quickly to get all of our chores done.  On nights that our parents are able to be home for dinner we usually have a short window of time in which the meal must be ready and served.  After they leave again, we must clean up and do any other things that are needed.  While I have been used to this life for many years now, Beatrice is still in shock.  I am trying to guide her as best I can.  My main goal is to help her avoid stepping out of line with Marcus, while also keeping my dirty little secret from her and Natalie.    
   
I know that if they ever found out what Marcus does to me…  
   
“Son!” I hear Marcus bellow as he slams the front door closed.  The skin on my arms prickles. I recognize his tone, he is not happy with me.  
   
I remain quiet as I silently straighten the items in the closet I am trapped in.  He once beat with his belt for three full minutes because a coat was wrinkled from my leaning against it…when he left me in the closet for five hours straight.  
   
The door swings open and the sunlight of the house makes my eyes hurt.  I squint and instinctively put my arms up to shield my eyes from the light.  This only gives Marcus another reason to be angry.  
   
“So you think you can raise your hand to me boy!?”  
   
“No sir, it was the sun…I was only trying to cover my eyes,” I say meekly.  
   
My excuse was not good enough today.  I get the belt to my back, and it hurts.  My only consolation is that the beating was fast because not even five minutes after he sent me to my room I heard the girls returning from their volunteer activity.      
   
**++o++**  
   
As I slowly make my way downstairs, my back stings with every step I take.  I made sure to wear double the layers so that the blood does not seep through my clothing.  Although Marcus was quick today, he made up for it with a couple of ambitious strikes that broke through my skin.  These belt slashes are extremely painful, some of the worst I can remember.  I don’t want to imagine what Marcus might do if Natalie saw blood on my back and then investigated.    
   
“There he is!” Marcus says cheerfully.  “Now son, just because this is a Sunday it does not mean it is ok for you to be lazing about all afternoon.  Especially while your mother and sister have been working all day at the Factionless drop off site.”  
   
It takes every ounce of discipline that I have to keep a blank face and respectfully say. “Yes, father.”    
   
Out of the corner of my eye I see Beatrice scowl at me.  Distributing supplies to the factionless can be tiring work-- I know she has been on her feet all afternoon-- and now Marcus has made it sound like I spent all day napping.  If only she knew!  
   
“Marcus?” Natalie prompts him.  
   
“Oh yes, darling.  I remember.” Marcus smiles at her. “Tobias, the Black family next door needs helping moving some heavy boxes around in the main storage units where the supplies are kept.  Your mother volunteered you to help them.  Go quickly.  We will wait until you return to serve dinner…be quick son.”  
   
I keep my face even as I nod in agreement, but my mind is racing at the amount of pain I am currently in while just standing still.  It is going to be a painful torture to be doing manual labor right now.  
   
But I have no other choice.  I excuse myself and head over to the main storage units.  
   
**++o++**  
   
The project, thankfully, is well underway by the time I arrive, and the Black family has already enlisted the help of some of the other men in on our block.  As I step closer Mr. Black asks his son, Robert, to get me to help with their stack of boxes.  Robert is about two years younger than me; I believe he will be in the same Choosing class as Beatrice.    
   
I mumble that I may be coming down with something and that I am not feeling my best, and to my relief, Robert immediately gives me the smallest pile to move.  He is a very kind person, always smiling.  As I am walking back and forth quietly, making it a point not to draw attention to myself for fear that I may be assigned more work, I happen to pass by right as Robert is joking around with his sister, Susan.  I can tell that they think they are alone as they are joking in a manner which is not typical for Abnegation children to act.    
   
As his sister giggles happily he interjects.  “Listen, Susan, I have had my heart set on marrying Beatrice Prior since I was six years old!  There is nothing that she could do now that would make me change my mind,” he says cheerfully.  
   
At hearing Roberts intentions about Beatrice I immediately think two things…  
I wonder if seeing her and I in action on that roof would change his mind?  
I feel a slight twinge of jealousy, which explains my first thought.  
   
I immediately push those thoughts away.  Beatrice is now my sister, and more importantly… she _should_ marry someone like Robert.  He seems very kind and warm, and I am sure he would treat her very well.  
   
I, on the other hand, just want to get the hell away from Marcus and never look back.  
   
I am lost in my thoughts when I am startled by Beatrice’s hand on my arm.  
   
“Tobias, you are needed at home.  Marcus and Mother can’t wait any longer for dinner to be served,” she says quietly.  
   
I nod at her and we say our goodbyes as we start toward home, walking home side by side.  
   
“Beatrice, I understand how this is all still an adjustment to you, but you need to be careful.  You have been told to call Marcus ‘Father.’  In front of Robert and Susan you said ‘Marcus and Mother’…it is important that you respect our parents’ wishes.”  
   
She stops dead in her tracks and puts her hands on her hips, glaring at me.  My eyes quickly dart around to ensure that there is no one around us to see or _hear_ her.  
   
“He is not _my father._  And he never will be!  I am so sick of this!” she cries.    
   
I freeze in place.  My only thought is the searing pain from the bleeding welts on my back.  The thought of her experiencing even one-tenth of what I went through today makes me sick to my stomach.  I know that if she ever had to experience this, it would change her at her core.  And I don’t want that for her, or for Natalie.  They are such beautiful souls, Beatrice has such spirit… to ever see that damaged would break my heart.  I need to help her stay safe, even if she doesn’t know it.  
   
I step closer to her, too close, certainly much closer than a brother and sister ever would. Her eyes widen for a moment before she regains control of her facial expression.  In the coldest tone I can manage, I hiss in her ear, “Beatrice, listen well.  You are right, Marcus is not Andrew Prior.  And you would be very smart to remember that at _all_ times.  My father is not a man that will tolerate disobedience from anyone.  So for the love of God, shut your damn mouth, do as you are told and plaster a sweet smile on your face.  Just do it.”  
   
Her mouth falls open as her eyes widen.  I keep my face emotionless as I continue on the path to our home, leaving her behind, staring after me in shock and anger.  
   
To her credit, she composes herself quickly enough to run and catch up to me.  We enter the house at the same time.    
   
Upon entering Beatrice loudly says, “Brother, why don’t you wash up?  I will be happy to serve dinner on my own tonight.”  
   
Marcus and Natalie exchange a smile at hearing her kind offer.  As they turn their attention away from us, my sister leans in closer.  Just loud enough for only me to hear, she hisses, “Stay the hell away from me for the rest of the evening, Tobias.  I would rather do all the work by myself than have to talk to you any more tonight.”  
   
I just nod.  
   
**+++o+++**  
 

#### Beatrice POV

   
As I wait for Tobias outside of school so he can walk me home, one of the brotherly duties Marcus has assigned to him, I let my mind wander.  
   
It has been a little more than two weeks since my mom became Mrs. Marcus Eaton, and I still hate it today as much as I did on day one.  Adding to my grief over losing my father and brother, I had to have my entire world turned upside down again.    
   
I now have a ‘new father’ and an older brother to deal with.  
   
I was so mad at Tobias for his words of advice yesterday.  I didn’t even look at him yesterday evening unless one of the parents were paying attention.  And then I made it a point to be sweet as pie, while shooting daggers at him with my eyes.  To his credit, he was not mad at all and would just smile at me kindly.    
   
I’ve found that I have a hard time staying mad at him.  He is so handsome…so very very handsome…  
   
No!  I need to stop that ridiculous train of thought.  We are siblings now, and we actually had our first fight yesterday!  I was so mad at the time, but after a good night’s sleep, I decided that he was just trying to watch out for me, though I will have to suggest that he work on his method of delivery.  Being scolded as though I was a toddler was not ideal-- until I calmed down, I really only heard his tone and did not take in his words or intentions.  
   
In the morning I made a point to smile at him.  He looked apprehensive at first, but when he saw I was being genuine and not just because one of the adults were in the room his shoulders relaxed and he smiled back.    
   
The last two weeks have been hard.  In one swoop I feel as though I have become a slave, which says a lot for someone that grew up in Abnegation and has been living an entire life of selfless service.  To make matters worse, my mom has suddenly become almost completely unavailable.  She is always busy and almost always with Marcus.  
   
The truth is, I miss her terribly.  
   
I have also noticed that my mother acts even more stoic and reserved when Marcus is present.  It is only the rare times that we are together without Marcus that I get a wonderful glimpse of the woman my mother was. Strong, vivacious, caring and fierce.  
   
Marcus is an unusual man.  He has made it abundantly clear that his expectation of Abnegation children is perfect silence and hard work.  I would never verbalize this to anyone, but I really don’t care for Marcus.  There is just something about him that strikes me as bizarre, and I can admit that I resent him.  I resent everything about him.  I hate that he is part of my family now.  But that is a secret I can’t share with anyone, I know it would hurt my mother deeply to hear me complain about the life she is desperately trying to set up for us.  
   
“Ready, sister?” Tobias says with a hint of teasing in his voice as he breaks me from my thoughts.    
   
I just laugh and nod my head as I walk next to him.    
   
I am glad we made up this morning.  We are to the point that we are able to walk long distances in comfortable silence.  As much as I resent the situation, I am so grateful that Tobias exists.  I can’t even imagine being stuck with my mom and _Marcus_ alone.    
   
As we enter our home Tobias asks me if I prefer to do the cooking or cleaning up and setting the table for dinner.  I pick the cleaning, I try to avoid cooking when I can.  He smiles at me and gets to work.  
   
I can’t help but notice how hard he works, it comes so naturally to him.  For a moment my mind wanders to Caleb.  They are both so different, but this is one thing that they have in common: both are much better suited for Abnegation then I ever could be.  
   
As Tobias is standing over the sink washing the vegetables I am getting the serving bowl down from the shelf, needing to balance on my toes to reach, I accidently stumble.  In order to steady myself I reach out my hands to push on his back.  
   
“Beatrice!” he yells at me.  He physically recoils as he turns his face away from me.  Without turning to look at me he asks me to be more careful, and watch where I am putting my hands.    
   
I feel my cheeks flush, not only do I feel clumsy but there is a feeling of rejection that goes along with it.  I know I need to forget about the roof, but I just realize that he must deeply regret what happened between us then - - as he is so repulsed by my touch of any kind.    
   
I shake it off and calmly apologize for my clumsiness.    
   
Tobias apologizes for raising his voice, especially since it was just an accident on my part.    
   
We continue our work in silence.  Marcus and my mom will be home shortly and expecting a quick dinner.  There is a large event at the Erudite headquarters early this evening and they will be out until very late.  
   
**++o++**  
   
Dinner is wonderful, we all sit quietly while we enjoy our meal.  The adults share some words about topics that center on work, and specifically the event this evening.  Although peace has been made with Erudite, Marcus is still not a fan of their leader, Jeanine.  My mother is very calm and supportive.  She says all of the right things to Marcus, effectively boosting his ego and making him feel like he is the smartest human on the planet.    
   
It is ridiculous and I find myself scowling at them.  I can’t remember one time my mother ever had to act so outrageously to make my father feel good about himself.  I snap to attention when, under the table, I feel someone’s hands squeeze my knee.  Tobias is staring intently at me, and he discreetly nods his head as to warn me to stop.  
   
I bite my lip and nod back. He is right, I can only imagine the terrible faces I was making at them.  I sneak a glance at Marcus.  Fortunately, as always, he is staring only at my mom.  It is as though Tobias and I are not even at the table.       
   
My mother must be tired of acting like Marcus’s personal cheerleader as she turns the conversation to Tobias.    
   
“Son, it is hard to believe that your eighteenth birthday is just three months away, and then shortly after is your Choosing Ceremony.  This is a very exciting time for you.  I know that I will never take Evelyn’s place, but I just want you to know that I am very happy for you and I would love to help you in any way that you may require.” My mother says kindly, a genuine smile on her face.    
   
I do think she has grown to care about Tobias in this short amount of time.  I know he would never take Caleb’s place in her heart…but she once told me that we need to show kindness for a young man that went so long without his own mother’s love.  My mother does indeed seem to love him.  
   
I glance his way to see that his face is frozen, for a moment I wonder if she has upset him.  Maybe it was painful for him to hear her mention Evelyn.  I want to scratch Marcus’s eyes out anytime I hear him mention my father.    
   
But no, Tobias gulps and he seems to be blinking back tears.  He quietly thanks her for her kindness.  He then returns his eyes to his plate.  My mom smiles at him sadly.  
   
That is the first time that I notice how sad Tobias seems.  How have I never seen this before?  
   
“Well, Beatrice also has a birthday coming up, I believe hers is just a few weeks behind Tobias’s!  So when Tobias turns eighteen this May, Beatrice will be turning seventeen right after.  How nice that the children will be just a year apart for their Choosing Ceremonies!” Marcus smiles.  He looks openly pleased.    
   
My mother clears her throat before speaking. “You are correct, dear, that Beatrice will turn seventeen shortly after Tobias…but since her birthday falls shortly after the Choosing Day it will actually be two years after Tobias that she has her ceremony.”  
   
The look of horror that washes over Marcus’s face, you would think I just announced an unplanned pregnancy at the dinner table.    
   
For the first time ever, Marcus is speechless.  He only nods his head before taking a large drink from his water.  I then notice that Tobias is alert and looking at everyone around the table, as though bracing himself for what may happen next.    
   
Even my mother looks very uncomfortable as she is watching Marcus out of the corner of her eye.  
   
And then it dawns on me, Marcus thought I would be _leaving his home_ in one year, not two.  Wow, no wonder he looked so horrified.  I suddenly feel sick and so unwanted.  I bite my lip and stare at my plate as I quietly cut my food and pretend to eat.  I feel so sick, I could not take another bite.  
   
Not only have I lost most of my family, I now feel like an outsider in my own home.    
   
**++o++**  
   
Our parents have to rush off for the event just as Tobias and I begin cleaning up after dinner.  They remind us to complete our homework, and lock up, and make sure the fire is properly running before we retire to bed as it is supposed to drop below freezing later this evening.  Marcus does not like to come home to a cold house.    
   
As we take a break to say goodbye and walk them to the door, a huge gust of freezing wind enters the house.  They are already dressed for the winter weather, whereas Tobias and I are in our house clothes.  I yelp, it is so cold.  Marcus scowls at the noise I made as he quickly ushers my mother out the door.     
As soon as the door shuts and they are gone, my shoulders drop, the tension of the evening finally catching up to me.  I keep thinking about how upset Marcus was to learn that I had two years until I could leave the family home.    
   
Suddenly I feel Tobias’s arm across my shoulders and I turn to him, he smiles at me and gives me a small squeeze.  I can’t help but smile back at him.    
   
We quickly clean up while we discuss birthdays.  Tobias will turn eighteen on May 19th of this year, and then I will turn seventeen on July 8th.  He comments that it seems so unfair that even though we are basically one year apart that we will have two years between him choosing and then me.  I just smile at him, I am not really seeing why it would be a big deal to him.    
   
I trust Tobias already, I confess that even as a child I have dreamed of becoming Dauntless.  I am not sure if it will happen, but now that mother has remarried I will allow myself to consider it again.  He smiles at me and nods.  
   
The last two years that Marcus is stuck with me, Tobias will be considered an adult and he will have his own home in Abnegation.  
   
**++o++**  
   
As we get our school books out and begin to study it seems that the temperature is dropping by the minute.  I am basically trembling as I try to read my text book.  Tobias wraps a blanket around my shoulder on his way to build the fire up larger.  I watch him, sometimes in moments like these I forget that we are really here as brother and sister living together in our new family home.  Tobias is just this gorgeous young man that I went from not even knowing his name, to now being together all of the time.    
   
“What are you thinking about?  You’re staring at me, while deep in thought.” He teases me, a large smile on his face.    
   
Before I can come up with a good lie I notice he has ash on his cheek from when he wiped his brow.  I giggle and tell him he better check in the mirror.  
   
Oh wait – we don’t have access to a mirror in Abnegation.  Tobias waits for a second and then bursts out laughing.    
   
I laugh too, but then the cold overpowers me.  I stop so I can wrap myself tightly in the blanket.    
   
Tobias walks over and offers me his hand, telling me to bring my books.  He grabs some pillows and another blanket off the couch.    
   
He makes a sitting area on the floor in front of the fireplace and tells me that it is really nice and warm right in front.  He leads me to sit down, then he turns to get his school book and sit on the chair that is further away.  
   
“Tobias, why aren’t you sitting by the fire too?” I ask  
   
“Um, I don’t know.  I mean…I wasn’t sure if you would be ok with me sitting so close to you, while we would be laying on the floor.” He sounds a little nervous.    
   
I bite my lip, remembering how cold he was when I accidently bumped into his back earlier.  “Well, you had the idea to sit by the fire and set up the pillows - - you sit here, I will go to the couch.” I smile brightly.  I am guessing that my fake smile doesn’t reach my eyes.  As I turn away to walk towards the couch he catches my wrist.  The contact instantly sends sparks up and down my body.    
   
We just stare at each other for a moment.  I swear it seems like he is staring right into my soul.  He then rubs the back of his neck nervously, “Would you mind if we sat together…I mean I wouldn’t mind at all.  I’m cold too, so we could just sit side by side…while we do homework…of course.”  
   
I nod my head, probably too eagerly.  
   
The next thing I know, we are both fighting to get comfortable on the makeshift bed that is in front of the warm fire.  As we fight over the best pillow Tobias reminds me that this was all his idea.  I laugh and tickle his side to get him to let go of my pillow.  
   
Some time passes as we are each studying.  We are in different years at school, so he had already completed my subject of study two years ago.  I ask him a question about my homework and he immediately comes close so we can both read the pages in my book together.  We are both laying on our stomachs, side by side with the open book on the floor in front of us.  While he is staring at my book, I can’t help but stare at him.  
   
I feel a gentle rumbling in my lower stomach, or maybe a better phrase to describe it is a flutter of butterflies.  He is so beautiful, and for a moment I allow myself to think of that moment on the roof and the way it felt to kiss him.  Not so much the first time that I kissed him, that was just awkward.  But our kisses towards the end…I still remember the way our tongues moved.  
   
“Beatrice...” he says, his brows slightly furrowed.    
   
I blush deeply and turn away while mumbling sorry.  
   
“You can’t look at me that way. It’s…too much.” He says softly.  
   
I look back at him, and nod.  
   
He just nods his head softly and then starts explaining the material to me.  I can tell this particular conversation is over.  He does end up lying next to me on the floor as he is also reading.  When I get tired of laying on my stomach I turn over so I can lay on my back, I ask him to hand me another pillow that is right by him.  
   
He smiles and insists on situating it for me so I can relax my head on it while I read.  I thank him by squeezing his hand.  He nods and this time I catch him staring at my lips.  
   
I wonder if he ever thinks about our kisses too.    
   
And then I remind myself, Tobias is _my brother_ now.  I really shouldn’t be thinking about kissing him, if I was sitting here with Caleb these thoughts would be absolutely vile and disgusting.  I actually burst out laughing at the thought.  
   
Tobias leans over me and demands to know why I am laughing.  I bite my lip and nod my head as to say no.  There is no way I could admit this to him.  He frowns playfully and this time he tickles me in order to make me talk.  I thrash about as I am very ticklish and suddenly and I am holding his hands in mine and we are laying very close, me on my back looking up at him and him on side, leaning dangerously close to being on top of me.    
   
My heart races and I feel like his must be, too.  
   
He smiles at me and leans in to whisper in my ear, “Tell me or… I will start to tickle you again.  Right now.”  I bite my lip and smile at the same time.  Suddenly his hand is cradling my face and his thumb gently releases my lower lip from my teeth.  
   
I blush, still smiling at him, and he is smiling too.  He genuinely looks so happy-- probably the happiest I have ever seen him.    
   
I slowly sit up, invading his space.  He automatically moves back to give me room.  So now we are both laying on our sides and facing each other.  I smile and lean in…and I whisper, “You still have ash from the fireplace all over your cheek, it’s too bad you don’t have that mirror!”  
   
And I laugh, because it is true, he still does have a decent sized smear of ash across his cheek.  His mouth falls open and he scolds me for letting him look foolish all this time.  I laugh as he tries to rub it off with the sleeve of his shirt.    
   
Suddenly Tobias stops and stares at me, his face getting serious.  I search his eyes, there is a part of me that wants him to kiss me.  I would gladly kiss him back.    
   
“Your hair bun is coming apart... um... here, I will try to fix it…” and his hand gently tucks a loose section of hair back behind my ear.    
   
Suddenly I feel brave. “Would you mind if I just took it out.  Since it is just the two of us here…and I am sure we will head to bed before Marcus returns…”  
   
He nods his head and watches me intently as I sit up and reach behind me slowly to begin pulling the hair pins out.  There is something special about the way he is looking at me, just as I know there is something special about the way I am slowly taking my hair down while looking into his eyes.  
   
He gulps when my golden hair falls past my shoulders and I run my fingers through it.  Tobias sits up too, as he admires me.   He asks me if he can see the back, and then he blushes deeply.  I smile sweetly at him and turn to face the other way.  I have never shown a man my hair down before.    
   
I turn to him, “I know I shouldn’t have my hair down in front of you…but…”  
   
“I’ll never tell, and I shouldn’t tell you this either…but I love it.  You are so beautiful Beatrice, and your hair is gorgeous.”  He smiles at me.    
   
And then I smile at him.  
   
Then we lay back down and resume studying.  
   
And for the first time ever I wonder what it would feel like to be married and lay down next to a man for the rest of my life.    
   
**++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	4. Feelings and Such

_**Three months before Tobias’s Choosing Day (March)**_  
   
 

##### Tobias POV

   
“Anytime, Mrs. Anderson,” Beatrice says politely.  She has just finished minding Mrs. Anderson’s young children for a few hours after school, and I am here to walk her home.  Mrs. Anderson closes the door and Beatrice comes towards me down the path.  When she passes me I put out a hand, and it fits automatically in the space between her shoulder blades.  It wasn’t intentional, and I quickly drop my hand.  
   
I silently scold myself for allowing myself to touch her in any way.  I quickly look around the roads and feel a sense of relief that no one is around.  To her credit, she didn’t even seem to register my touch. Sometimes I wonder if this is all in my head.  
   
The problem is, it’s as though whenever she is near me, my thoughts slow down, and my mind runs a few beats behind my body’s actions.  For the first time in my life I feel driven to be close to another person, to show her affection through simple gestures, such as a pat on the back or a touch of our hands.  The issue with this is that we are in Abnegation, and this form of interaction is strictly forbidden.  Neither Beatrice nor I are were raised to act like that.    
   
So I try to keep my distance.  Unfortunately, that is difficult to do, not because of an inherent lack of self-control on my part, but because we live in the same house as ‘siblings’ and our parents are constantly pushing us together.  My task this afternoon is one example: Marcus demanded that I walk _that girl_ home when she finished babysitting.  Another day, Beatrice had to deliver lunch to me when I was volunteering in the supply warehouse.  While the actual tasks vary, we are thrown together for one reason or another nearly every day.  
   
As we walk past a particularly bad patch of cracked sidewalk, we hop and skip to avoid the cracks, playing a game Beatrice taught me.  It’s simple and not really competitive-- there is no winner and loser-- but it makes the walk a little more fun.  She teared up a little when she explained it to me a few weeks ago; it was a game she always played with Caleb.  I felt uneasy at first, I don’t want to replace her brother and I know she doesn’t want that either… but she insisted that it would help her to heal, and I think it has, a little.   It’s good to see her finding joy again in something that she had lost.  Beatrice made it clear that it was nothing personal, but she would never look at me as her brother. She explained she had the real thing, and although she is grateful for our friendship… being forced to be “siblings” at our age, especially when I'm leaving our family home in a couple of months, is more for appearances than it is realistic. We joked that if we were 8 and 7 at the time, then that would be a different story. We smiled and agreed that we are at peace with our relationship as _friends._  
   
When we get home, we must hurry to have dinner ready on time.  While Beatrice cooks, I finish the last of the chores that I worked frantically to complete all afternoon and set the table.  Most of the time I cook and she cleans, but she didn’t think it would be fair to me if she were to finish the little cleaning that was left when I had already completed most of it.  
   
Marcus and Natalie arrive through the front door just as I finish setting the table; Beatrice is spooning the peas into a serving bowl.  As I plate the chicken and help Beatrice serve the meal, I let out a sigh of relief that we managed to get it done on time.  
   
We sit in the same seats each night-- Beatrice on my right and Marcus on my left; Natalie sits across from me.  When it was just Marcus and me, we never said grace, but we have adopted the tradition since that is what Natalie and Beatrice have always done.    
   
During dinner, Beatrice and I do not speak unless directly spoken to.  That doesn’t happen often, so we rarely speak at all during dinner, which is why I am completely unprepared for Marcus’s next topic of conversation.  
   
“Son,” he says, snapping me to attention.  “I understand that the health lesson that boys your age attend at school was today.  I trust that the instructor provided adequate information?”  
   
“What health lesson?” Beatrice butts in.  Marcus scowls at her, and heat rushes to my face.    
   
“Beatrice,” Natalie gently reminds her, “please remember that your listening ears are a gift to us.”    
   
This is my last year of school.  I don’t know how or when the other factions teach sexual education, I only know how it is done at the Abnegation school.  That is the lesson I had to attend today.  The information is kept relatively basic, but we did learn basics of anatomy for both genders, and about how procreation works.  Basically… we learned what we will need to know for when we get married.    
   
It’s really not a subject I want to discuss at the dinner table… especially not with Natalie and Beatrice sitting here.    
   
Natalie clears her throat.  “Beatrice, why don’t you and I take care of the dishes tonight and let your father and Tobias talk.”  Beatrice’s eyes shift between Marcus and me for a moment-- she is always so curious.  But she listens to her mother and begins to clear away the now empty dishes.  And then the girls disappear into the kitchen, and I am left alone with Marcus.  
   
“Tobias,” Marcus warns.  His voice is quiet… dangerous.  “I want to be very clear.  Do not tarnish _that girl_ by discussing what you learned.  Girls are not taught everything that boys are, they are more sensitive… weaker.”  I hold back the urge to scoff.  Beatrice is not weak.  “They don’t need to know much about this, understand?  She does not need to learn anything until I pick her husband and arrange her wedding.  Am I clear?”  
   
“Yes sir,” I mumble, but my mind isn’t on what Marcus is saying.  Somehow this conversation just made it feel very real that I will be leaving Beatrice behind when I choose.  The thought of Marcus picking her future husband… my stomach turns, I feel like I might be sick.  I hate the thought of some other man lying just inches from her by the fire, and seeing her beautiful golden hair fall in waves around her shoulders.  
   
Thoughts like these… I can’t.  I have to find a way to push them out of my mind for good.  Because she is now my _sister_ , at least on paper according to Abnegation etiquette. If things were different… if we were just a normal boy and a normal girl, in any other faction, then maybe I could explore these thoughts, and feelings, and the way that I can’t seem to control myself when I am around her.  But I am where I am, and who I am, and so is she.  This... can’t happen.  It can never be.  
   
Marcus finishes the last of his chicken and shoves his plate in my direction.  “Help _that girl_ clean up and send my wife back to me,” he demands, and I don’t hesitate to get as far away from him as possible.

 

**++o++**  
 

#### Beatrice POV

   
Mother and Marcus went out to yet another evening meeting tonight.  I feel like I barely see my mother… sometimes, I almost feel like I lost her, too, along with Father and Caleb.  After I put on my nightgown and let my hair down, I go to lay out some clothes for tomorrow when I realize I am running out of clean outfits to wear-- if I don’t do the wash tomorrow, I’ll have to wear dirty clothes to school the following day.    
   
With Mother and Marcus out, and Tobias in the shower, I feel comfortable entering the other bedrooms to gather the dirty laundry; I may as well start the wash now.  That way I can dry it in the morning and have plenty of time after school to make sure it is all folded and put up before Marcus comes home.  I take my basket of dirty clothes and first go into Mother’s room to add hers and Marcus’s laundry, then to Tobias’s room.  
   
I don’t notice that the sound of the shower has stopped, but I guess it has, because when I stand and turn around after adding Tobias’s clothes to the basket, I am so startled I nearly jump out of my skin.  Tobias is standing in the doorway with a towel wrapped around his waist.  I have never seen so much bare skin on a man-- on any person old enough to walk and talk, really.    
   
His ocean blue eyes are wide with surprise, his lips parted.  He is due for a haircut, and strands of his wet hair stick together giving definition to his curls; water drips from the ends of his hair down onto his shoulders.  I follow a drop of water with my eyes as it falls down the smooth, bare olive skin of his chest.  I am sure I look as shocked as he does.  
   
Somehow I am snapped out of my daze when the water droplet reaches the towel that is wrapped around his waist, and I notice a strange bulge below his waist.  My eyes widen-- is something wrong?!  
   
“Are you alright?” I ask him, worried.  I look back at his face and see that his cheeks are turning pink.  
   
“Wh…. what?” he asks.  His eyes are as round as saucers, he looks panicked.  
   
I point at the area below his waist, where the towel is tented.  I know I am too curious for an Abnegation, but I can’t help it.  I care about Tobias, and this does not look normal.  I’m concerned for him.  “I just… Caleb never had something like that happen, something must be wrong!  Should I run to the meeting hall and get my mother?”  
   
Tobias turns red not just on his cheeks, but all the way to the tips of his ears.  “I-- um…” he stutters.  “Nothing is wrong, Beatrice, I’m… I’m fine.”  He sounds so nervous… I am not convinced.  I think he just doesn’t want me to worry but how can I not?!  
   
He’ll just have to remember that I am now his _sister_ and I need to help him if something is wrong.  I step closer to him, “Tobias… you don’t sound like you’re alright.  Please, let me help you.”  He scratches the back of his neck while he grips the towel with his other hand so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.  Whatever is wrong with him, it’s getting worse rapidly-- the bulge has grown even just in the time we have been standing here!  
   
I take another step towards him, my hand outstretched.  “Beatrice!” he nearly shouts.  He is so flustered-- did I do something wrong?  “I know you’re curious but really… I’m fine.”  I just stare at him, and he runs his hands through his damp, dark brown curls, exhaling in an exaggerated huff.  “Look… sometimes boys… men… God this is embarrassing…”  I tilt my head slightly, my eyes flitting between his very red face and his tented bath towel.  “Okay… Beatrice, it’s my penis, and boys… when they get excited, like, by a pretty girl, or sometimes for practically no reason at all…”  
   
He trails off, like he expects that to be enough information, but I have no idea what he is getting at.  I am starting to feel bad for being so curious-- he looks like he wants to just disappear right now, but I really need to be sure he’s okay.  I already have lost too many people I care about.  “What?” I ask, pushing him to continue.  
   
“It’s called an erection,” he blurts.  “It’s necessary for a guy to… have… sexual intercourse… um... “  He clears his throat.  I furrow my brows in confusion, I don’t actually know what happens during the act, and it is something that will not be explained to me until my health class that is years away.  I am not sure if I want Tobias to explain that thought further or not-- but my curiosity gets the better of me.  I prompt him with my eyes, and wait.    
   
He pauses for a moment before continuing, “It’s… the penis has to be… hard.  For the guy to put it… in the girl’s, um, vagina.”  I can only imagine that in that moment my eyes widen the largest they have ever been as my mouth drops open,  “And sometimes, especially at my age, a guy might get one when he doesn’t really need it.”  He chews on his lip and looks all around the corners of his ceiling… anywhere but at _me,_ it seems.  
   
This has to do… with… _that_ … and I just made Tobias explain it to me.  Oh my goodness.  I think I am turning as red as he is!  Now I can’t look him in the eyes either.  “Oh…” I don’t know what to say.  We stand there awkwardly and finally I say, “I’m sorry for making you tell me.  I just wanted to be sure you were okay.”  
   
“Uh yeah… thanks… for caring…” he stammers.  For a fraction of a second, our gazes meet, then we both quickly look away from one another again.  
   
“I’m… going to go take another shower,” he blurts out.  Odd, he just took one, he can’t be dirty yet.  
   
“Are you sure there is enough hot water left?” I ask.  Our hot water heater is pretty small.  
   
“I'm fine with cold water,” I hear him mumble as he turns and goes back to the bathroom.  
   
I close my eyes, standing in my nightgown in the middle of Tobias’s bedroom, still holding a basket overflowing with gray clothes, and breathe slowly for a moment.  I give myself five seconds to get over the embarrassment, counting slowly.  And when I finally reach five, I open my eyes and head down the stairs to the laundry machines, relieved to hear the shower running in the bathroom as I pass.  
   
**++o+ Dreaming +o++**  


> _The bus stinks of exhaust.  Every time it hits a patch of uneven pavement, it jostles me from side to side, even though I’m gripping the seat to keep myself still._  
>     
>  _My father and my twin brother, Caleb, both stand in the aisle, holding the railing above their heads to keep themselves steady.  I take in Caleb’s and my father’s dark hair and hooked noses, Caleb’s eyes, green like my mother’s, and father’s grayish-blue eyes, which match mine.  I am studying them, mapping out every feature, committing it to memory, but I do not know why.  Why should I need to?  I see them every day._  
>     
>  _Everything changes abruptly, as if the world turned upside down.  The small jostling I have been bracing myself against becomes a crashing, the entire bus rolling.  I grab hold of my father’s arm.  “Caleb!” I shriek as I reach for him, but he is too far away, tumbling along the ceiling and then the side of the bus, and then the floor, as it rolls.  Then everywhere around us is fire, a blazing inferno.  I hear father scream before the flames lick my skin, and burning is all I know.  Burning… burning… soon I will be ash… where is my father?  Where is Caleb?  There is a screaming, a high pitched shriek, that does not stop and I wonder where it comes from until I realize that the sound is coming from me.  I try to look for them, but all I can see around me is fire--_

  
**+o+**  
   
“Beatrice!” I instantly hear Tobias’s voice in my room.  I gasp for air as I shoot to an upright sitting position.  Tobias is kneeling next to me on the bed, his eyes wild-- he looks panicked.  But not as panicked as I feel.  I gasp for air between sobs that I cannot control.  I should have been on that bus with them… I should have been there… I was supposed to be there.  Marcus does not want me here, so I am not even welcome in my own home now-- I was not meant to still be here.  I was supposed to go with them.  
   
I miss my family.  I want them back.  
   
Part of me wishes I could burn them from my mind, so I would never have to mourn for them.  But the rest of me is afraid of who I would be without them.  
   
I gasp and sob and hiccup, and Tobias pulls me close to him, like he did that first night, at his old house.  He gently shushes me, whispering in my ear, rocking me back and forth and slowly.  I relax into his embrace as my sobs begin to die out.  
   
“I was supposed to be with them,” I admit.  Tobias pulls back and looks right into my eyes, right into my soul.  “I was supposed to be on that bus with them, but I had stayed out on the roof the night before, in the snow… I was sick that morning,” I choke out.  “I was supposed to go with them.”  
   
He seems to understand what I am saying, and he frowns, and his hand cups my cheek.  “You feel guilty.”  It’s a statement, not a question.  
   
“I was… I was supposed to be there with them,” I repeat.  
   
Tobias’s eyes become… hard, almost-- I don’t know how else to describe it.  He is stern as he says, “No, Beatrice.  You were not meant to be with them.  You were meant to stay here, with your mother… with me…”  He swallows hard, and his Adam’s apple bobs.  My eyes are drawn to his lips without my permission, and when I drag them back to look in his eyes again, he is looking at my lips, too.  
   
He moves closer to me, or I move closer to him… I can’t tell which.  All I know is that now, we are breathing the same air… air that seems to be charged with electricity, just as my body is, electricity radiating out from where his hands rest against my back.  
   
Then he presses his lips to mine.  We both instinctively tilt our heads, and my lips move against his.  Tobias’s hand presses against my back, drawing me closer to him, and I like it… I want to feel more of him against me.  I rest one hand on his chest.  My other hand finds its way to the back of his head, and as I tug at his soft curls, he kisses me harder, more passionately, and his tongue licks my lower lip; I grant him entrance with no memory of making the decision to, but I don’t care.  All I care about in this moment is his lips against mine, his tongue dancing with mine, his body pressed against mine.  
   
He is still holding me tightly as we slowly lean back on the bed, Tobias hovering above me.  When we can’t go any longer without air, we break apart, panting.  I see his eyes widen just as I my own do the same, and he shoots upward and scrambles back so he is sitting at the foot of the bed.  
   
“We can’t do this,” I blurt.    
   
Tobias shakes his head fast-- too fast.  “No, we can’t.”  He runs his fingers through his hair, and I bite my lip and look away from him, making eye contact again when I feel his thumb run over my lower lip, forcing me to release it from between my teeth.  
   
“We just… we will just have to try harder.  To be… _siblings.”_  The word feels all wrong in my mouth, tastes bitter on my tongue.  I don’t want to see Tobias as a _sibling_.  But it doesn’t matter what I want-- the situation we are in will not change.  
   
Tobias nods.  “Siblings, and friends.  But we can’t… we can’t do… _this._  It will only lead to heartache, we will both end up hurt.”  We are just staring at each other, for a long time, and it starts to feel awkward.  I don’t like it.  I thought Tobias and I were past the awkward silences.  
   
“Are you alright?” he asks.  “From your bad dream, I mean.”  
   
I nod slowly.  I will be okay.  “Thank you for waking me up from it.”  
   
He looks away as he nods.  “I can’t stand hearing you… like that,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck.  “I’ll… see you in the morning, then?”  
   
“Yes,” I agree.  “Yes, I will see you… in the morning.”  
   
Tobias bites his lip and stares at me for a moment, as though there is something more he wants to say, but then he stands and silently leaves my room without a glance back.  
   
Suddenly there is a new emotion I have never felt.  I feel an ache in my chest.  It makes me feel sad, and...incomplete.  This is not like grief; I know that feeling well now because of my loss.  This feeling is different, and as I watch Tobias carefully shut my bedroom door as to make no noise...I know I am feeling it because of him.  
   
I fall back to sleep with his ocean blue eyes stuck at the forefront of my mind...and then my question answers itself.  I felt heartache.  
   
 **++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	5. Facing the Truth

**_Date: Two and a half months before Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony (April)_ **

#### Beatrice POV

I quietly walk through the halls of school thinking about the science class lesson plan from earlier today. The teacher explained how the brain is working at all times, even when we are in a deep sleep.  When the subject of dreams came up I felt my body stiffen as I quickly maintained control to keep my face neutral.    
   
Although it has been two weeks since my last nightmare, it is the last thing I think about as I close my eyes every night.  I am terrified my dreams will haunt me again, dark images that consume me and make my grief unbearable.    
   
It has also been two weeks since Tobias was in my bedroom and we kissed.  I nod my head as I try to shake the image out of my mind.  Thankfully we both agree, it was a mistake at so many levels and we need to move forward.  
   
The day after the kiss started as awkward, but by the middle of the day I missed my friend.  I could tell he missed me as well.  We briefly discussed it one more time, aside from being siblings, our behavior was completely inappropriate for Abnegation and not a road either of us wanted to go down.  We made up that day and have not looked back.  
   
I sit on the steps where Tobias and I have agreed to always meet after school.  As we are two years apart, our classes never overlap and his classes are always on the second floor.  It is usually me that has to sit and wait for him to make it out of the building.  
   
I sit down and enjoy the breeze, it is a little chilly but still quite pleasant weather.  I am enjoying the fresh air.  I watch as a couple of different families walk down the road, the mother and father always standing at opposite sides of the walk with no physical contact between them.  I think about Mother and Marcus, for the first time I am tremendously grateful to live in such a conservative faction.  I would be disgusted if I had to witness any kind of affection between my mother and that man.  
   
I know now, without a doubt, that he can’t stand me and he wants me out of his home as soon as possible.  I was delivering dinner for my parents at the assembly hall the other evening, Tobias was supposed to come with me but we were very behind on our chores because of homework.  I remember how anxious Tobias was; he genuinely seemed panicked that we were so behind schedule.    
   
We came to the agreement that he would continue the chore of cleaning the fireplace while I went alone to deliver their dinner as they needed to work late.  We knew that the expectation would have been that Tobias pause his chores and escort me, but we were short on time.  I went alone and had a plan to deliver the food without getting caught alone.  
   
As I quietly entered the hall, I knew if I left the clearly labeled bag of food on the reception table that I could get away without being seen, and they would still get their dinner.  They would have no idea that Tobias didn't escort me.   
   
What I had not anticipated is that Marcus and Jonah, another council member, would be walking down the empty hallway right as I was about to drop off the bag of food.  I froze in fear, my instinct telling me that it would be a very bad thing if it was discovered that Tobias disobeyed Marcus’s orders and did not walk me here so late in the evening.  
   
Being small has its advantages; I was able to hide behind a pillar undetected.  It was then that I heard the conversation between Marcus and Jonah.  Marcus was being very aggressive in insisting that since my birthday was so _close_ to me being eighteen at next year’s Choosing Ceremony that he wanted to make sure that I could go through the process early.  Just hearing his tone, and his insistence…it was very obvious he wants me out of his home in one year, not the two that is scheduled.  
   
Jonah stood firm and reminded him of all of the problems we had just experienced with Erudite.  Marcus bending the rules for his daughter would be not only frowned upon but could be an issue that Abnegation would pay for later.  Marcus then asked if Jonah would be willing to alter my hidden birth certificate and change it to list my date of birth as being the needed couple of weeks earlier.  My mouth fell open, this man is desperate for me to leave.  I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.  Jonah refused on principle and reminded Marcus that Candor also holds the master lists of citizens’ birth information.  It would not be worth the risk.  I could hear the confusion in Jonah’s voice.  I don’t know him well, but he has known me my entire life as he was a friend of my father’s.    
   
As their voices trailed off the further away they walked, I wiped away my silent tears.  It was not that I craved Marcus’s love and acceptance, it was just the bitterness I felt at how much my life had changed since my father and Caleb died.  
   
I never told my mother or Tobias what I heard that day.  There would be no point.  Instead I just filed it away and made a note to stay out of Marcus’s way as much as possible.  
   
Suddenly I realize I have been sitting on the school steps for an excessive amount of time.  Tobias has never been this late.  I have enjoyed people watching and being in my own thoughts for quite a while now.  Tobias is very late in meeting me for our walk home.    
   
I wonder if something happened today and he is not coming.  Maybe he went home ill and I was not informed?  Or maybe he needed to stay after class to work on an assignment?  I decide I can’t sit on the steps and wait any longer.  I have a lot of homework to do this evening and we have a big dinner planned as Marcus gave us specific instructions on what we were to cook and what time dinner was to be served, the meal being one of his favorites.  
   
I walk back into the school and look around the first floor to make sure I don’t accidentally pass Tobias while he is on his way out to meet me.  I then decide to go to the second floor where the classrooms for the older students are.    
   
Having climbed a flight of stairs, I look into the main hallway just in time to see Tobias and an Abnegation girl his age talking and laughing.  Tobias is leaning against the wall as he holds his books in front of him.  The girl is a few feet away from him as she is adjusting her backpack straps across her chest.  I see that she laughs at something he says and then bites her lip and smiles.  He smiles back, his eyes are bright.  
   
I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach.  Tobias has literally left me waiting outside while he hangs out after school and flirts with another girl.  I turn and walk away, careful not to draw his attention.  I walk down the stairs and out of the front door of the school.  I don’t look back as I quickly walk home.  I bite my lip to make the tears that threaten to fall go away.  I am not only hurt…I am really mad.  
   
A few minutes later I hear Tobias yell my name as he is frantically running to catch up to me.  I just keep walking at my steady pace.  
   
“Beatrice! Wait, please,” he gasps as he finally catches up to me.  I calculate that he must have run very fast as I had left the school a while ago.  
   
“Oh, hello,” I mumble.  
   
I see that he is frowning at me from the corner of my eye. “You know that I am supposed to walk you home, why did you just leave?”  
   
I stop walking and turn to him, crossing my arms across my chest.  “Yes, you and I both know that you are _required_ to walk me home after school… _not thirty minutes_ after school.  I have a lot of things to do - - so I waited on the steps for quite a while and then I decided to walk myself home.”  
   
His face falls, and he looks at the ground for a moment.  I am seething mad, but fighting hard to keep my face neutral.  “You are right, I did take too long.  I apologize, Beatrice,” he says softly.  
   
“Fine, no harm done.  Next time you have something…more important to do, just let me know ahead of time.  I don’t need you to walk me,” I say evenly, straining to keep the contempt out of my tone.  
   
“I like walking with you,” Tobias mumbles watching my face.  
   
I roll my eyes and keep walking.  He notices and frowns.  He clears his throat, “I got a new school assignment and I was working out the details with my assigned lab partner…”  
   
I notice he didn’t mention his lab partner was a pretty Abnegation girl that has a sweet laugh.  “I didn’t ask.  I don’t really care what you were doing.  I just don’t deserve to be left waiting.   _Your father_ has a long list of chores for us this evening…so let’s just get moving.”  
   
“Wait, seriously…I am sorry, Beatrice,” he says firmly.  
   
I nod in silence and keep walking.  I am so angry I can hardly see straight.   
   
As we near the house Tobias asks me if I realize how much trouble he’d get in if Marcus found out he didn’t walk me home.  I feel my skin prickle…that is what this is all about.  He is worried about Marcus.  He doesn’t care about me.  
   
“Ok, my fault.  I should have just sat on the ground and waited another twenty minutes in the hopes you might show up.  So sorry,” I snap.  
   
Tobias has the good sense to keep his mouth shut at that point.  
   
When we almost reach the house, Tobias tries to joke with me, “So this is pretty much our first brother-sister fight!  I think you can take the win for this one since I was in the wrong.”  
   
Did he really just say that to me?  He can’t even remember that we already had our first fight? I can see how memorable I am!  
   
I look at him and force a smile, even though I want to scowl at him.  “Second fight.  The first was during our walk home the Sunday you helped the Black family with their project.”  I then turn my attention forward so I can pretend I am not stuck walking home with him.  
   
Tobias frowns and we make the rest of the walk home in silence.    
   
 **++o++**  
   
I feel an odd sense of relief as Marcus carefully inspects each dish and seems pleased.  I have learned that when he makes a specific meal request he expects it to be made to perfection.  The first time we made this dish he informed me that I needed to let Tobias lead, so I could be careful not to ruin his meal.    
   
As Tobias and I sit in silence while mother and Marcus talk. I begin to wonder what my life will be like after Tobias goes through his choosing ceremony and leaves this house.  I have no idea what his plans are, I would guess that he is well suited for Abnegation and I could see him staying here.  His discussions with Marcus imply that he will be staying in this faction.  
   
Marcus interrupts my thoughts when he clears his throat and asks everyone to stop eating so that we can listen to him.    
   
“Everyone, as you know Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony is only two and a half months away.  The moment he has his ceremony he will begin the process of becoming a standalone, contributing member of Abnegation.”  My mother nods at him, she has a genuine smile on her face as she looks back and forth between the two men at the table.  
   
I keep a frozen smile on my face as I imagine Marcus is going to make a father-like speech about how important Choosing day and then Initiation is, and that he expects perfection from his son.  I am not anticipating what he says next.  
   
“As his father, and as leader of this faction, I must ensure that my son has the very best.  I want to get an early start on picking the best wife for Tobias,” Marcus says proudly.  I see that mother’s eyes widen and a frown touches her lips.  I don’t think she was expecting that either.  
   
Marcus notices her reaction and scowls at her, she quickly recovers by saying that she was so impressed at what a smart idea Marcus had, and it is something that would never have occurred to her.  He then smiles proudly accepting her praise.  I know my mother well, she is lying.  She is appalled by this, but unable to admit it.  
   
For the remainder of the meal mother looks at Marcus when he addresses her, or her food, not once looking at Tobias or me.   
   
“Natalie, I have made a list of Abnegation families that have _suitable young women_ that will be going through initiation with Tobias in a couple of months.  I will work out an excuse to have the family over for a friendly dinner, but everyone sitting at this table is going to have an assignment,” Marcus says happily.    
   
“Even you, children.  We will all be examining the possible bride, any siblings and of course her parents.  And every evening after they have left I will expect a full report on your findings and observations,” he says darkly while looking at me.  He probably thinks I am so incompetent that I will not be able to contribute.  I hate this man.  
   
Marcus continues on with his plan and rationale, he points out how important it is for Tobias to align himself with the correct woman that will support him and be a true example of Abnegation.   
   
My mind is reeling and for a moment I feel as though my half eaten dinner is going to rise up and come back out.  I genuinely feel sick to my stomach.  The thought of Tobias marrying another girl makes me crazy.  I was so upset by his flirting earlier today, I try to imagine standing at his wedding…as his sister.  I am sure I will be forced to call the new interloper my new sister, as well.    
   
I look at Tobias for any sign of how he may be feeling, he looks calm and collected as he eats his food.  On occasion he answers Marcus with a respectful “yes sir,” or a nod, at one point Tobias even praises his father for caring so much to put effort into finding him a decent wife.   
   
I am chewing my food, and I am suddenly overcome with heartache.  Tobias is all on board, he is probably overjoyed of the prospect of Marcus parading _suitable_ Abnegation girls around to perform for them.  Maybe his new lab partner will have made it onto Marcus’s special list.   
   
I am suddenly angry.  I can barely see straight I am so upset.  I make it through dinner easily, as I am completely ignored.  When dinner is over I offer to clean up on my own, as the rest of the family has so much important planning to do.  Marcus smiles at me appreciatively and nods.  My mother is still making it a point to stare at her plate.  Tobias insists on helping me, admitting to his father that in his attempt to make the meal perfect, there is a larger amount of cleanup needed in the kitchen than usual.  
   
Marcus nods and waves us away.  He leans over to my mother and begins discussing the initial criteria for his list. My mother has a frozen smile on her face.  I know from our past discussions that she is a strong believer in true love and finding the right partner for life that will make you happy.  It is how she described what my father was for her.  
   
As I am placing dishes into the sink, I think back to her words at my father’s funeral…her prayer that I will know a love as wonderful and pure as what she experienced with my father…a picture of Tobias flashes across my mind.  I release the air I had been holding and use my hands to steady myself at the sink.  I am overcome with sadness and pain.  I have never felt as alone as I do in this moment.  
   
“Beatrice, are you ok?” Tobias whispers from behind me as he cautiously places his hands on my shoulders.    
   
I immediately shrug his hands away and remind him not to touch me...ever.  He takes a step back, looking dejected and sad.  I don’t speak to him as I quickly do the dishes and clean the kitchen.  I pretend he is not even in the room.    
   
He tries a couple of times to talk to me, but I just nod or ignore him completely.    
   
Once the chores are done I walk out into the dining room where our parents are enjoying a cup of tea.  Marcus is still scheming for Tobias’s future.  
   
“Father, Mother…please forgive me, but I am not feeling well.  May I please be excused for the remainder of the evening?  I would like to go to sleep early and get some rest.  I hope to be better by tomorrow,” I ask politely.    
   
Marcus smiles at the idea and encourages me to go right to sleep, that I am very wise to recognize when I am not feeling well.  I nod thanks to him and my mother and turn to walk out of the room, making it a point to ignore my _brother_ completely.  Tobias is watching me closely and he turns to follow me to the bottom of the stairs.  
   
“Are you sure you are ok?  You have acted strange all evening…you know you can talk to me.  About anything,” he whispers, I can hear the concern in his voice.  
   
He should save his concern for someone who matters, like his lab partner and/or future wife.  I have no energy or desire to respond.  Without looking at him, I walk past quietly and go straight to my bedroom and quickly shut the door.  I have nothing to say to him.  
   
Once I am alone I release the air I had been holding.  And with that the tears begin to stream down my face.  I place my hand over my mouth to control my sobs.  I will allow myself to cry for just a moment, and then I know I will need to get over it.    
   
I laugh at how my life has turned out.  Though my father would not ever be so callous to plan Caleb’s future and parade _suitable prospects_ in and out of our home, had this been Caleb instead of my Tobias, I would not be suffering this way.  
   
 _My Tobias_.  I let out a bitter laugh.  The truth is he is not ‘my’ anything.  And the sooner I accept it, the easier my life will become.  
   
 **++o++**  
 

#### Tobias POV

I lay in bed quietly for hours, long after the house is silent.  My mind is racing, and not in a good way.  I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my chest.  I feel incredibly sad.  
   
It pains me when she is not happy, especially when it is obvious she is not happy with me.  
   
It was a poor decision on my part to leave her waiting so long after school.  Our teacher kept most of us after class as lab partners were painstakingly assigned.  Luke Clark is my partner and I am looking forward to working with him.  He and his girlfriend, Kimberly, have their entire lives planned out.  They are already in love, both their families are thrilled and they both know they will be picking Abnegation at our Choosing Ceremony in a couple of months.    
   
Luke always walks Kimberly to her home after school, he is very protective of her already.  I can tell he really cares for her and he strives to treat her well.  And she is a bubbly girl that seems to have never seen a sad day in her life.  As we were finally able to leave class with our assignments, Luke asked me to wait with Kimberly in the hall for a moment while he needed to use the restroom.  I was already worried about having left Beatrice waiting so long but I didn’t feel I could say no.  Thinking back, I wish I had told them that my sister was waiting for me on the steps and that Luke should have met us there.  But I didn’t think he would take so long!  
   
I was frantic when I finally made it outside and there was no Beatrice.  Of course I know that my father would love any possible excuse to “teach me a lesson…for my own good”, but for a moment I felt actual panic at not knowing where she was.  I felt sick to my stomach as I ran home while scanning the streets to make sure I didn’t miss her.  If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.    
   
As I was running, it dawned on me.  I really care about her, in so many ways.  It had been two weeks since our kiss, which of course was a mistake and wrong.  But I know I intensely care for her, and a part of me knows that I always will.    
   
Although she was very mad when I caught up to her, I was relieved to see that she was in fact fine.  So I just decided to apologize and take responsibility and then allow her time to cool off.  Beatrice can be pretty hot headed, so I am learning to give her the time she needs to cool down.  She is so passionate, and I love that about her.  
   
Love.  
   
Stop.  I need to stop with that.  
   
Especially since Marcus is planning my life.  I wonder if he will give me a manual on what I should do on my wedding night to the poor unsuspecting girl he decides to bring into his demented fold.  He is getting more and more controlling.  It took every ounce of self-control in my body for me not to laugh at him during dinner.   
   
There is no damn way that man is going to pick my wife, as there is no damn way that I am going to be able to stay in Abnegation.  As my choosing ceremony draws closer and closer he is becoming more and more unhinged.  His punishments are forced to be less frequent as the women are often home, but when he can get to me it is beyond anything I have ever experienced.  I cringe thinking about how violent he has become.  Part of me worries that he can sense that I can almost taste my freedom.  As though he intuitively knows I can’t wait to get the hell away from him.  
   
I have accepted that I am the problem. Maybe it's because I am Evelyn’s child. Or maybe I did something as a child I can't even recall. Marcus is this way with me, I'm the one who brings his monsters out.   
   
His violence is reserved for me alone. At least I know that he doesn't feel that deep seeded hatred for Natalie or Beatrice.    
   
And then a deep regret hits me, I have genuinely grown to love Natalie.  It pains me to leave her and of course Beatrice behind.  But I do not think I can survive here much longer.  
   
Beatrice.   
   
And now I am laying here for hours and unable to sleep.  I feel as though there is a stack of bricks laying on my chest.  I can’t stand the distance that is between her and me.  I crave her in so many ways, but having her as a close friend and someone I can really talk to is what keeps me sane.    
   
I need her, I need her in my life and I can’t let her slip away from me.  Maybe I am selfish, but it is how I feel.  
   
I bite my lip and putting aside my better judgement I slip on my house shoes and quietly leave my room and walk across the hall to her door.  I have learned that both Natalie and Marcus are very heavy sleepers.  There have been a few late nights when I needed to tend to my brutal wounds and I was unable to stop myself from crying out.  I was sure I would wake someone in the house; but all remained asleep.  
   
I breathe in and out to calm my nerves before slowly slipping into Beatrice’s room.  I am shocked when I see that her bed is empty.  For a moment I panic and then I remember who I am searching for.    
   
The roof.  
   
I remember her telling me her route to the roof and I quickly follow her instructions.  As I pull myself up and she comes into my line of sight, I pause.  She is sitting on the floor of the roof with a blanket wrapped tightly around her.  Her knees are pulled up to her chest and her face is buried in her knees.  She looks so sad, my heart instantly clenches with pain.  
   
I announce myself by softly calling her name, what I don’t expect is for her to look at me with disdain. “Why are you here?  Go away Tobias,” she mumbles.  
   
Now I am getting irritated.  Yes, I made her wait on the school steps for thirty minutes.  Yes it was rude.  But I apologized.  Enough is enough.    
   
“Beatrice Prior!  I have had it with your attitude.  Stop it, just stop,” I say forcibly as I walk over to her and sit down next to her.  She frowns and looks away.    
   
“I want to be alone, is that too much to ask?” she says quietly, while still not looking at me.  
   
“For someone that doesn’t feel well it is pretty stupid of you to be sitting outside on the roof.  It is still chilly out,” I say, the irritation I feel spilling onto my voice.  
   
“Fine!   _You_ sit out here, then.  Your presence just made this spot less appealing anyway!” she hisses.  
   
Now she is just being mean, and I don’t like it. “Too bad, wherever you go, I am going to follow you, whether you like it or not,” I say teasingly and laugh as her eyes look more rage filled by the moment.  
   
“Look, I don’t want to spend time with you.  You are not _my brother_ and the truth is, you are not really anything else to me either.  We can pretend the sibling fiasco when there is an audience - -but I rather you just leave me alone when we don’t need to pretend,” she says without emotion.  
   
I feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach.  Wow, I thought Marcus and his belt had torture down pat...but the pain this girl just inflicted on me has left me winded.  I guess I must mean nothing to her, and I was wrong to think otherwise.  I was foolish to think she cared about me, even a half as much as I care about her.    
   
Screw her, too, then.  She can enjoy her little life here in Abnegation…without me.  I can’t wait to get the hell out of this house.    
   
“Consider me gone.  I don’t need you in my life, either.  We will pretend when we have to, and that is it,” I snap at her.  I turn my heel and storm to the edge of the roof so that I can begin my climb down.     
   
I turn my back to her as I walk away.  When reaching the edge I turn to climb down, and then I see her face.  She looks devastated…her eyes brimming with tears.  I immediately realize, she is hurting.  Her act of not caring was just that…an act.    
   
When she realizes I caught the look on her face she turns her back to me.    
   
No more games.  I don’t hesitate as I jump back on the roof and charge over to her.  I roughly pull her to stand and then into my arms, forcing her to look at me.  She struggles to pull away but I am not letting her go until the secrets between us are gone.  
   
“No more games, I can’t take this anymore.  I care about you too much…this distance…I don’t like it,” I say firmly.  
   
She suddenly starts crying and pushes me roughly, I can feel how angry with me she is.  I hate that I have hurt her in some way.    
   
“Tell me, tell me right now what I have done,” I demand.    
   
She rolls her eyes, “That’s just that it, you haven’t done anything wrong.  I am the one who is wrong…” she laughs bitterly.    
   
“You are just being a normal boy!  Forgetting about me as you stand around hallways flirting with pretty girls!  I saw you with your ‘lab partner’ by the way!  And then dinner…my God, I am going to have sit and watch while you and Marcus scour the faction for your perfect bride?  Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?!”  
   
She then closes her eyes to calm herself before speaking.  “I am just a stupid girl, with a stupid crush…and I need to get over it.”  
   
In that moment I realize, Beatrice feels the same way about me that I have felt about her all of this time.  I wanted to be strong and give her the space and the respect she deserved.     
   
“Well, then I am equally stupid…because the truth is, I am crazy about you…and not in the brotherly way,” I say softly, her eyes widening.   
   
I smile and pull her closer to me.  I lean down and shyly kiss her cheek, feeling her smile as I do. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I feel so bold.  
   
I tell her that the girl she saw me talking to is the serious girlfriend of my actual lab partner…who is a guy.  She chuckles, looking embarrassed.  And then I just shake my head regarding my father and his quest for my bride…all I can do is tell her that I have no intention of letting Marcus pick my entire future for me, but it is not a battle I can fight now.  I admit to her that I am not strong enough to challenge him.  She nods her head in understanding at my words about Marcus.  And she still seems really embarrassed about our misunderstandings.  
   
I admit to her, if our roles had been reversed I would have gone insane with jealousy…just like _she did._  
   
And then we both laugh, both comfortable with each other as I have craved all along.  I need her in my life.  
   
I then notice that her golden hair is out of that stupid bun and down her back in soft waves.  I touch her hair and then lower my hand to rest on her lower back, she smiles at me as I carefully pull her even closer to me.  
   
We both blush and look at each other.  With my free hand I hold the side of her neck gently.  Her hands are suddenly on my chest as she tentatively touches me, I feel my heartbeat quicken at the contact.  I bite my lower lip and see that her eyes follow.  She then uses her right hand to touch my face, and her thumb to touch my lip encouraging me to release it, I whisper her name and kiss her thumb at the contact.  She suddenly pushes closer to me, which I love.  
   
“Tobias,” Beatrice whispers as her eyes search mine.  “What now?”  
   
I smile at her and lean down to kiss her right cheek, and then her left, and then the tip of her nose.  She hums softly as I tilt her head and lean closer and lightly kiss the side of her neck slowly, I feel her shudder against me.  It makes me feel incredible to know that my touch can make her respond this way.  I have no doubt she cares for me as much as I do for her.  
   
In these months she has become the most important person in my life.  I need her to know that.  
   
I kiss her forehead and then rest mine against hers, “What happens now?” I repeat, “Is that I don’t think either of us can pretend that we’re siblings any more, at least not with each other.  
   
“When we are alone--which I intend to make happen more often--no more pretending, no more lies…I want to make you feel cherished and appreciated.  Because you mean everything to me, Beatrice Prior,” I say as I lean in and gently kiss her lips.  
   
She looks at me and smiles, “I want the same thing, Tobias.”  Then clearing her throat nervously, “But of course, I mean we are in Abnegation...and unmarried…I don’t want to go too fast.”  
   
“I agree, I just want us to be close in other ways,” I blush at how that sounds, but I don’t know how else to describe it.  Even just hugging her makes me feel a sense of security that I have craved my entire life.   
   
I pull her into a tight embrace and hold her close on the top of that roof.  After a few moments I feel her tremble with cold, even with the blanket still wrapped around her.  We quietly make our way back into her bedroom.    
   
As we stand in the center of her bedroom I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her fingertips.  Beatrice smiles and throws her arms around me.  I lean down and kiss her deeply, as though it was the first time.  Because in reality, now that we have both admitted how we feel – it feels like the first kiss that is not stolen.  
   
We stand in her room for many moments kissing and hugging, both of us making a point not to get too carried away.  We have time now.  I kiss her slowly one last time and ask if I can tuck her in before I go back to my room.  She nods and she crawls into bed.    
   
As she lays down between the mattress and the sheets, I feel a sharp pang of lust.  I pull up the quilt to cover her, my hands trembling slightly.  I am crazy about her in every way, and I want her, in a way I haven’t felt before, not just some kind of mindless physical drive but a real, specific desire.  Not for “someone,” just for _her._  
   
I touch her face, her hair.  It’s enough, for now.  
   
“Goodnight, Beatrice,” I whisper.  
   
She sits up from her bed and pulls me close to her, my heart flutters, she kisses me firmly on the mouth and then pulls away smiling.   
   
“Goodnight, Tobias.”  
   
 **++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	6. Dating in Secret

**_Date: Two months before Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony (April)_ **

#### Tobias POV

   
I have been lying here for over an hour, but it’s as if rubber bands are connected to my eyelids, forcing them open every time I try to close them.  I know why.  I didn’t get a moment alone with Beatrice today.  
   
Two weeks have passed since Beatrice and I finally admitted our feelings for one another.  The late hours that our parents often work have been more welcome than ever.  We still do our chores and keep our feelings for one another completely a secret in front of others.  We have always hurried to finish the chores thanks to Marcus’s volatile nature alone, but we are now even more motivated-- the sooner everything is done, the more time we have to steal away together.    
   
We have also changed the way we go about chores.  Whenever possible, we either work on a task together, or we stay near one another-- for example, Beatrice will dust and clean the living room floor while I sweep the fireplace.  That way, we are near enough one another to continue talking.  When chores are in the more hidden areas of the house, such as the bedrooms or bathroom, we can steal kisses without worry that we will be caught; we can always hear the front door opening, and that gives us plenty of warning.  
   
Marcus has been quite frustrated as his plans to find me _suitable_ wife have proved fruitless.  It seems that the kind of families that he would want me to join by marriage… are led by fathers with too much integrity to play into his schemes.  These fathers are conservative and have plainly told Marcus that, as their daughters are nearing the age of courtship, bringing their daughters for dinner at our home would be inappropriate.  I am thankful that Marcus has not somehow blamed this on me, though I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop in that regard-- I have no doubt that I will receive a beating for it sometime soon.  Of course, Marcus certainly cannot be expected to take responsibility for the error himself.  
   
I almost think that the incident with the one father who did accept the dinner invitation, would be worth the beating.   _Almost._  Marcus had invited the Jameson family to dinner, asking that Mr. Jameson bring his _entire family_ along-- of course, he meant the eighteen-year-old daughter, Abigail… but it apparently did not occur to Marcus that he would need to be so specific.  It took every bit of self-control I had to hold back my laughter when Mr. Jameson arrived with Mrs. Jameson and their eight-year-old daughter, Hannah, but left Abigail at home to complete her chores, stating that she was much too close to proper courtship age to attend dinner with a family with a boy of that age as well.   
   
I am surprised that steam did not come out of Marcus’s ears.  He kept that fake, placid Abnegation Leader expression on his face, but the deep shade of red his face took on was impossible to hide.  Beatrice actually had to excuse herself for a moment, and afterward, she told me that she was afraid everyone might still hear her laughter from upstairs, where she was muffling it in her pillow.  
   
It was a good relief of tension after the rocky afternoon we had together in preparation for the dinner.  
   
 **++O++  
 _Flashback:_**

> _Beatrice and I have been secretly courting for a week now, and for the first time, someone has accepted Marcus’s dinner invitation; this means that a potential marriage prospect is coming to have dinner with us, along with her family._  
>     
>  _I am doing my chores and staying as near Beatrice as I can, as we have done since we admitted to our feelings for one another that night on the rooftop.  But all afternoon, Beatrice has spoken little, barely looked at me, and responded to me with one-word answers._  
>     
>  _Currently, I am gathering up the laundry while Beatrice touches up the bathroom counters and sink, and empties the small trash can.  When I have finished putting all the laundry into a basket, I leave it at the top of the stairs and slip into the bathroom, where she is finishing wiping out the sink.  My arm snakes around her waist, drawing her near me, but I feel her body stiffen.  I ignore it and kiss her neck.  Beatrice shies away from me, pressing her cheek to her shoulder so that there is no room for me to reach her soft skin._  
>     
>  _“Not now, Tobias,” she snaps, and crosses her arms as she scurries out of the bathroom.  “We have work to get done.  You know, so that things are ready for your special dinner.”_  
>     
>  _I should have guessed that she would act this way today.  “This again, Beatrice?  It isn’t like I called on Mr. Jameson and set this dinner up.  This isn’t my doing.  I have no choice in the matter.  I don’t want them here any more than you do,” I scold her._  
>     
>  _Beatrice just marches into her bedroom, rearranging things that are already perfectly tidy and clean.  “I didn’t hear you telling your father ‘no,’ Tobias,” she complains.  “I’m sure you are quite eager to enjoy dinner with Abigail Jameson and her family.  I am sure she is tall and beautiful and the picture perfect Daughter of Abnegation.”  She scowls._  
>     
>  _“You aren’t being fair.  When have I ever indicated that I want anyone other than you, Beatrice?!  Just stop it already!”_  
>     
>  _But Beatrice just rolls her eyes and moves on to our parents’ room to tidy up what is already in perfect order in there, as well._  
>     
>  _“Would you stop tidying what doesn’t need it?!  How are we to get any time together if you keep this up?  What do you want me to do, tell Marcus I won't see them because I want you?  How do you think that will go over?  I don’t know why you won’t just listen to me when I tell you that you are the only one I want!”_  
>     
>  _Beatrice swirls around to face me, and my heart sinks when I see tears in her eyes.  “Yes, maybe you should listen to you father and consider all those other, prettier, more well-behaved girls.  Or maybe you will end up wanting one of those other girls over me!”_  
>     
>  _How can she think that?  Does she understand the risks I take to be with her?!  If there was any way I could deny my feelings for her, I most certainly would, because this is not at all appropriate.  But I don’t care.  I don’t care how inappropriate or wrong our relationship may be, Beatrice Prior is the only girl I want._  
>     
>  _“God damn it, Beatrice!” I yell, and before I even realize what I am doing, my anger and frustration turns into something else, something more powerful, and my body is pressing her against the wall of our parents’ bedroom, closing all the space between us.  My hands rest on the wall on either side of her head as my lips crash to hers and I kiss her with every bit of passion that has been building within me during every slow, tender kiss we have shared all week.  All sense and reason is lost, giving way to desire and fire and need.  Her hands tug at the roots of my short brown hair, and I can feel every curve of her body pressed against my own.  I want her, only her… I want Beatrice, and no one else._  
>     
>  _And then my head clears slightly and I realize the position we are in… the position I have put her in.  I take a step back, pushing off the wall with my hands.  “Beatrice…” I gasp.  “I’m so sorry.  I shouldn’t have--”_  
>     
>  _Beatrice presses two fingers to my mouth, immediately shutting me up.  “Don’t apologize,” she breathes.  “I loved it… every second of it.”  Then she smirks.  “You should do that more often.”  I don’t know whether to laugh or to press her back against that wall, but I know what I want to do, so I take the latter option._

_  
**End Flashback**  
_  
   
 **++O++**  
   
Laying here… wide awake… I cannot stop thinking about _Beatrice_.  I know this is risky… a bad idea… I know it is, but I can’t help myself.  I climb out of bed and slip on my houseshoes.  I stop at the door for a moment listening, but all is quiet; Marcus and Natalie are asleep.  I can only hope that Beatrice isn’t, but I am too selfish to go the whole day without a minute alone with her.  I will wake her up if I have to.  
   
The curtains are open in Beatrice’s bedroom, and light from the full moon gives her face an other-worldly appearance.  She looks like an angel to me.  I just watch her for a moment, she is so beautiful.  She seems to be asleep, though not soundly; here and there, Beatrice turns her head to the other side or moves her arm.  After a couple of minutes, I kneel down next to her bed, bringing my face almost level to hers.  
   
“Beatrice,” I whisper, brushing a strand of hair away from her cheek.  She does not wake, but her lips form a small smile when she hears my voice.  I lean in and press my lips softly to her forehead as I lightly stroke her bare forearm with my fingers.  Her smile grows as her eyes flutter open and focus on my face.    
   
“Mmm,” she hums.  “Hi.”  
   
When I chose to come see her, I didn't anticipate that I would feel so self-conscious about my need to be near her.  I feel heat creeping up my neck, and I hope that in the dim moonlight she can’t see my cheeks flush.  “Hi, Beautiful,” I murmur.  “I just… didn’t get to see you enough today.  I missed you.”  Beatrice closes her eyes as she wraps her fingers around the back of my neck and pulls me in for a short, sweet kiss.  
   
“I missed you, too,” she says.  “Come lay with me for a while.”  I don’t think she thought any more about her offer than I did about my decision to come in here, but I get my answer as to whether the moon is providing enough light to make out the blush on one’s cheeks.  It does.  That is evident by what I am able to see on her face.  But I don’t hesitate; I pull back the blanket and topsheet and squeeze into her twin bed next to her.  A warmth spreads through my body as she cuddles into my side, tangling her legs with mine and laying her head on my shoulder.  
   
I breathe in the smell of her hair… it is just the usual Abnegation shampoo, but mixed with some scent that is uniquely her, and it is intoxicating.  Her body fits perfectly against mine, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.  I don’t know how I will ever force myself to leave this bed, I just want to stay here like this with Beatrice forever.  
   
I run my fingers through her hair… I wish she could leave it down like this, out of its bun, all of the time.  Well, actually... no, I don’t.  I kind of love that this is a special way that only I get to see her.  I just wish we were alone more so I could see her this way far more often.  
   
Beatrice tilts her head to look up at my face, and she bites her lip.  It drives me crazy when she does that.  With her hair falling in waves on her shoulders and back, and that damn lip she keeps biting, the balance of reverence and affection and lust I feel is tipping so that lust is more and more dominant.  She is just so perfect.  
   
“I wish I could lay here like this with you every night,” I admit.  “I don’t know how I will tear myself away from you.”  
   
“You could set the alarm on your watch in case you fall asleep here,” Beatrice suggests.  That’s a great idea, and I change my alarm to wake me an hour and a half earlier right away.  That should be early enough to ensure neither of our parents will be awake yet.  They are both heavy sleepers.    
   
Beatrice and I stare into each other’s eyes, just being together, silently in the dark.  Her arms are wrapped around me and she idly traces meaningless shapes on the side of my ribcage while my fingernails lightly scrape up and down her spine over top of her nightdress.    
   
“I wish it wasn’t so dark in here,” she suddenly states as she looks intently at my face.  In fact, I almost feel a little embarrassed at how she is staring at me, though I know I do the same to her.  But she is beautiful, and I am just… me.  I am nothing special.    
   
“Hmm, why’s that?” I ask.  
   
She is staring right into my eyes.  When she looks in my eyes I feel like she can see right through me.  “Because while you are still unbelievably handsome in the moonlight…” she explains, “I can never get over how stunningly beautiful your blue eyes are.  I wish I could really see their color right now.”  
   
I can’t believe she feels this way for me… or even just about my eyes, even if that is the only thing, I feel so happy I could fly.  I don’t know how I ever became lucky enough to be noticed by someone as beautiful, inside and out, as Beatrice.  
   
I can’t hold myself back a moment longer.  I pull her in, close to me, and press my lips hungrily against hers.  At first it is passionate, but then the kiss turns tender and sweet.  The passion is always there, but Beatrice and I, we are so much more than that.  I care so much for her.  I think I love her, even.  
   
After a few minutes we settle back into our original position, with her head on my shoulder and her arm draped over me, one leg resting between the two of mine.  “I love cuddling with you like this, Beatrice,” I tell her. “I wish we could do this every night.”  
   
“So do I,” she sighs.  “But we can’t.  It’s too risky.  We could too easily be caught.”  
   
“I know.”  I pause.  “But that does not mean that this is the last time I’ll come in here like this, believe me.  I love this too much.”  That night we fall asleep in each other’s arms.  When my watch alarm wakes me very early the next morning, Beatrice barely stirs as I slip out from under her and back to my own bed.

#### Beatrice POV

I look out the window at the stars with a smile.  Tobias told me that he plans to sneak into my room again tonight; as we had agreed two and a half weeks ago, the first night he came in to cuddle, it is too risky to do this all the time, but we have managed it four times so far and I sleep so well when he is with me.  
   
Tobias and I have continued our routines of coordinating our chores so that we are near one another as we work, and finding any time we can to spend alone.  As the weather continues to warm and the sun shines more often, a few times we have snuck off to the meadow on the outskirts of Abnegation and spent time together hidden behind the old oak tree.  We did so just a few days ago, as we had finished our chores very quickly and both had little homework, and I am still smiling with amusement remembering Tobias’s confrontation with Robert Black on the way there.  
   
Robert and Susan live just next door, and their house is the first we pass on the way to the meadow.  Robert, it seems, did not see us coming-- as usual-- and was going on to Susan about his plans to marry me one day.  Apparently this is a topic Tobias has witnessed Robert rambling about several times already, and it seems that this time, Tobias’s jealousy got the best of him; he would put up with it no longer.   
   
I couldn’t decide whether to double over laughing or fan away the heat in my face as Tobias strutted across the narrow strip of grass with his chest puffed out.  Tobias is so often slouched, but not in that moment!  I had no idea he had such an intimidating aura buried deep down within him.  I have to say… it was _very attractive._  
   
Tobias reached Robert, who was shrinking back in response to Tobias’s stance alone, and told him in no uncertain terms that Robert needed to stop talking about marriage and _his sister_.  Tobias continued to lecture that it was inappropriate to speak of such things until I would officially be courted, which thus far I am too young for.  It was all I could do to keep a straight face; I am sure that to Robert, Tobias seemed the protective big brother.  I knew better, though; Tobias was mad with jealousy, I think he was worse than I was when I saw him with the girl I thought was his lab partner!  
   
Yesterday, Tobias and I volunteered together handing out food to the factionless.  When they needed someone to go further into the factionless sector to drop off a few boxes of canned goods, Tobias and I were the first to raise our hands.  The coordinator was initially reluctant to let dependents go on their own, but as Tobias is so near choosing age and I am his “sister”, decided it would be alright.  We took advantage of the opportunity to break away from the rest of the group and stole a few kisses in alleyways and behind buildings.  Volunteering is much more fun when I can do so with Tobias.  Unfortunately, during my next volunteer job, which is coming up this weekend, Marcus has volunteered Tobias to do the heavy lifting in the warehouse while I am handing out blankets to the factionless in their sector.  
   
The house has now been still and quiet for about an hour.  I am beginning to have trouble keeping my eyes open.  I hope I can stay awake, I don’t want to fall asleep before Tobias slips in.  My eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier, and just when I think I can’t keep them open a moment longer, I hear the soft padding of his bare feet on my wood floor.  It is as though his presence gives me a second wind, and my eyes shoot open, I’m wide awake now.  
   
Tobias shoots me a boyish grin as he tiptoes across the room and climbs into the bed, immediately wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling my body flush against his.  As we kiss, I notice that Tobias is getting much braver with his hands and I shiver as I feel them brush against the side of my breast, over my nightgown, as though he is testing the waters to see how I react.  In response, I let my hands wander down his sides, grazing his hips, my fingertips to rest on his butt.  Tobias responds as I had hoped he would, and gently cups my breast with his hand.  I feel his heart beating even faster than it had been, and his breath hitches.  We are becoming more and more adventurous, but we also are taking our time, there is no rush.  When I feel his excitement pressing against my leg, he pulls away, both of us breathless.  I rest my forehead against his, my eyes closed.  
   
“What will we do about your father?” I ask him, breaking the silence.  Marcus is still scouring Abnegation for a bride; none of the girls’ fathers will bring their daughters to dinner so near the proper age for courtship, but Marcus still talks about his schemes.  
   
Tobias swallows hard, and his Adam’s apple bobs.  “Don’t worry, Beatrice.  Just let it keep him busy a while.  I won’t actually let him pick my wife out for me.”  
   
“I wish I could tell my mother not to worry about it,” I say, remembering the horror that flashed across her face when Marcus first announced his quest to find the _best bride_ for his son.  “Can I tell you a secret?  Well, two secrets actually.”  Tobias nods.  
   
“First, I asked Mother if she thought that they would have another baby.” I feel Tobias immediately stiffen. “Relax Tobias!  Mother told me that she and Marcus have decided against it.  With Marcus bringing you, and Mother bringing me, they both agree our family is complete. Besides, I think Marcus can’t wait to have a kid free home!”  
   
I continue, “Mother also told me she doesn’t love Marcus, she only married him out of necessity.  She loved my father so much… she will never love anyone else like she loved him.” I snuggle into him, placing my head in that perfect spot on his shoulder.  “At the funeral, she told me that it is her wish for me that I would one day find a love as pure and true as what she had with my father.  I know she would want that for you, too.  I could see how appalled she was at dinner that night when Marcus announced that he was going to begin searching for your bride.”    
   
I don’t look at Tobias, I can’t bring myself to.  Whenever I picture that pure, true love that my mother wishes for me… Tobias’s face is the one that clouds my mind.  I know that I love him, I am just afraid to say it out loud.  Maybe one day soon, I will find the courage.  
   
Tobias rests his lips against my forehead and I can feel his smile.  “I intend to share my life with a pure, true love, just as your mother wants for me, and for you.  Not whatever girl Marcus deems most _suitable._ ”  I hope and pray that he means me, and that we can find a way.  
   
“Beatrice, I have something for you,” Tobias says.  “A gift.”  My eyebrows shoot upward and I jerk back to look in his eyes.  I have never received a gift before.  
   
“A gift?  You didn’t need to do that, Tobias,” I whisper, though I am sure he can feel the anticipation seeping from my pores.    
   
He smiles as he sits up and reaches into his sleep pants pocket.  “I wanted to,” he says softly as I, too, sit up, scooting over so that I am facing him, with my legs bent under me.  “I traded some things I had found and been hiding away, with a factionless girl, for this.  I saw her wearing it along with a couple other necklaces and it just… made me think of you, I guess.”  
   
Tobias holds up a necklace on a long, simple silver chain.  The charm hanging from it is a beautiful, intricate silver and black heart with gold accents. Inside the heart, in the same color theme the metal is shaped into a sort of paisley design.  Offset just as my actual heart is within my body, to the right when looking at it straight on, is a heart shaped red gem, a garnet, I think.  
   
I am speechless.  It is so beautiful.  Beautiful things are much too few and far between in our faction; I can feel tears welling in my eyes.  “Tobias, I love it.  Thank you… so much.”  I cup his face in both hands and pour all my feelings for him into a long, passionate kiss.  
   
 **++o++**

 

The weight of my necklace against my chest makes me smile as I load my arms up with another big stack of folded blankets.  I usually find this kind of volunteer task tedious, the kind of volunteer work that makes a day feel like a week.  But every movement with the trinket against my skin reminds me of Tobias and that he cares for me, and how much I care for him.  
   
I move along an alleyway beginning to hand out this new stack of blankets and become  distracted by the group of women huddled there.  They are all somewhere between my age and my mother’s, maybe they are younger but the hard life of living Factionless makes them seem older, rougher even.  As is typical-- everything about the customary styles and clothing of the Abnegation is intended to make us essentially invisible-- they don’t pause for even a moment as I come nearer to them.    
   
They are laughing, deep belly laughter that is something I don’t often get to hear.    
   
The stack of supplies I have to organize and distribute happens to be right near these ladies.  I know I shouldn’t listen, but a part of me really wants to hear what they are laughing about.  I am too curious for an Abnegation… too curious for my own good, probably.  It is mostly just three women that are talking.  As I begin to listen, the one with light brown hair speaks first.    
   
“I knew he was into you!  I mean, around here, sharing food rations is like… equivalent to giving an engagement ring.  He may as well have proposed!”  She and her two friends, one with short dark brown hair and the other with curly red hair, all laugh.  
   
“Well,” the one with the dark brown hair says, “Carly made sure to seal the deal ahead of time.  Carly, did you tell Michelle about your little _date_?”  
   
The redhead, apparently named Carly, blushes.  I guess she wears her embarrassment on her cheeks just like I often do.  
   
Giggling, Carly says, “Well… let’s just say that I took matters into my own _hands_ …”  
   
The friend with the dark brown hair shrieks with laughter.  “You dirty lady!  I guess that’s one way to describe it.  What did he tell you… was it the first hand job he ever got? Lucky man….”  
   
“Oh, Phoebe, I already knew he never had one before.  And you know, I really like him.  I wanted him to feel _really good_ …  Right from the moment I started rubbing his dick from outside his pants he was _begging_ me for more, and I am not exaggerating,” Carly says.  
   
 _She did what?!_  I can barely hold in the gasp that wants to escape my lips. _She rubbed his dick?!  I didn’t even know that people do that!_ I can’t seem to help myself, I am inching closer so I can hear every word.  It’s a little hard to hear with the way my heart is pounding in my ears.  
   
 _Please tell me more…_ Phoebe grants my wish and continues the conversation.  “Once you finally got his clothes out of the way, did you, you know…. take my advice?  
   
“What was the advice?  Don’t leave me in the dark!” Michelle begs.  
   
 _Please say it out loud,_ I think.   _Please, please, please!  I need to know.  Oh gosh, I am awful, I am eavesdropping on a completely inappropriate conversation and I am certain Mother would kill me if she knew.  I should walk away.  But I can’t.  I am so curious, I am just dying to know._  
   
“Relax!” Phoebe chides her friend.  “You already know how much better it is for the guy if you use lotion.  Carly was… less experienced than you are.”  
   
“You make it sound like I’m a slut, Phoebe!” Michelle shrieks.    
   
 _Don’t change the subject!  Not now!_ I think, panicked.  Before I even realize I have opened my mouth, the words are out there.  “What does the lotion do?” I blurt.  
   
And just like that, all eyes are on me and all of us stand there completely silent.  What if they tell my mother?  Oh God, what if they tell Marcus?!  I do not want to even _speculate_ what his reaction might be!   Heat creeps up my neck, then my face is on fire and my ears are so hot I’m surprised they don't catch fire.  
   
But then all of the women burst into laughter and I exhale a sigh of relief.  Thank God… I think I am safe, they won’t tell on me.  
   
Phoebe, the one with the dark brown hair, who seems to be the most vocal, looks all around.  Seeing that there’s no one nearby, she looks back to me.  “You look like a nice girl, honey.  How old are you?”  
   
“Sixteen,” I quickly reply.  “I’ll be seventeen in a few months.  Can you tell me about the lotion?”  I can’t believe I am being so forward!  What has gotten into me?!  
   
They all giggle and smile, exchanging glances.  They seem to decide it’s okay, because they all shrug as they make eye contact.  
   
“Well, she's not _that_ young,” Michelle with the light brown hair says.  “It won’t hurt to educate her.  Her future husband will be glad on their wedding night!”  They all laugh.  
   
“Well… do you know anything yet?” Phoebe asks me.  “Like do you know what sex, or intercourse, really means?”  
   
I bite my lip and feel more heat rush to my face.  I do know what it means… Tobias explained it to me.  “Of course,” I say, feigning confidence.  “The man puts his penis, which needs to be hard, into the woman’s vagina.”  
   
“Well, aren’t you well informed,” Carly says with a smirk.  “I’m impressed.”  
   
“In case you didn’t eavesdrop enough…” Phoebe says, and my face gets even hotter.  I’m not supposed to eavesdrop.  I suppose that is the least of my worries right now, though.  I’m not exactly acting like the perfect little Abnegation girl in this moment.  “A hand job is for a man’s pleasure, but a much earlier step than actual intercourse, and there is no risk of pregnancy.  Basically… it feels really good for them when they get relief from being so hard.”  
   
“Relief?”  I don’t think Tobias ever got this far in his explanation.  
   
“Are you _sure_ you want to know all this?”  
   
“Yes!” I exclaim, too eagerly. Much too eagerly.  “...Please…”  
   
“Well… when his penis gets hard… if you have sex, the man feels really good being inside the woman, obviously.  And he makes it go in and out, because the friction feels really good, until he gets relief.  That’s an amazing feeling for him and it’s when his seed releases.”   
   
 _Okay, that makes sense,_ I think.  This is embarrassing but much less embarrassing than asking Tobias to explain it to me any further.  
   
Carly, the redhead, cuts in and continues the lesson.  “With a hand job, you use your hand to touch him.  Not too hard, you want it to feel good, not hurt him!  You can always ask him to tell you what he wants, if he wants it harder or faster or slower… First you want to get him in the mood, get his dick to get hard.”  That doesn’t sound difficult.  That has happened to Tobias a few times… when he didn’t even want it to.  
   
“When you use the lotion with your hand, it feels even better for him.  The lotion makes it so your hand feels more like how your vagina would feel… more moist and wet and smooth,” Phoebe says, and next to her, Carly is motioning with her hands, showing me what it would look like.  Her fingers wrapped around an imaginary penis and her hand goes up and down, up and down.  My jaw drops.  
   
“So you just do _that_ \--” Phoebe jerks her chin toward Carly’s hand, which is still motioning and she grins and giggles, “--until he comes.  That’s what most people call it when his seed releases.  It’s a good idea to have a towel or something nearby to wipe the mess up with.  Guys will know what to do, don’t worry.”  
   
“You’ve said too much to her, girls,” Michelle cuts in.  “Come on, she’s a Stiff, this is… too graphic.  Look, honey… do yourself a favor.  Don’t do this unless it’s a man you really love and trust, one who respects you.”    
   
“Really, you should just wait until you’re married, alright?” Carly cuts in.  
   
“We would get in such huge trouble if anyone--” Michelle begins to add.  
   
I interrupt her.  “I would, too. Trust me, this is something I will never… _ever._..tell _anyone_.  But thank you so much for answering my questions.”  I know I am red as a tomato as I hastily finish my task and run away as quickly as I can.  
   
I had no clue people did things… like… _that_.  It’s shocking.  Do Abnegation couples even do that?!  I can’t imagine ever being able to do that, I think I would die of embarrassment!  Maybe after I am married… _maybe._  
   
 **++o++**

 

A few days have passed since my rather questionable conversation with the factionless ladies.  When I came home that night, I blushed nearly every time Tobias looked at me.  He tried to get me to tell him why, but I refused.  There is no way I am sharing that with him.

   
We arrive home from our day at school, and Tobias holds the door open for me, like the gentleman he is.  As usual, no one is home but us.  Tobias checks the kitchen counter-- sometimes Marcus will leave a note with instructions for dinner or for additional chores he wants us to complete.    
   
Tobias sighs.  “He wants us to wash the windows, inside and out, today.  I guess it’s spring cleaning time.”  
   
“Well, should we do the regular chores the usual way then tackle the windows?  Do we know what time he is expected home?” I ask.  
   
“Seven o’clock, according to the note.  At least that gives us an extra hour.”  
   
I nod and head straight to the laundry cabinet for our buckets of cleaning supplies.  I perfect the hastily made bedsheets from the morning rush, gather up the laundry, and dust while Tobias sweeps and wipes up any spots on the bedroom floors.  Together we hang the clean wash on the line to dry in the backyard.  Tobias cleans out the refrigerator while I clean cabinets and floors, and I wipe fingerprints and dust from the walls and living room furniture, and sweep, while Tobias sweeps the ash out of the fireplace.  
   
“If we can get these windows done in an hour or less, we will be right on time to make dinner,” I smile at him.    
   
“Yeah,” he groans, “I just wish we could spend that hour enjoying our time together instead.  But let’s get this done.”  
   
We work together seamlessly, as usual.  First we do the outsides-- I take the upstairs windows, using the fire escape when I can and a ladder when I can’t, because Tobias really does not enjoy heights.  Then inside, I scrub, then he squeegees the water off the window while I wipe any drips before they can affect the windowsill.  We are working on one of the back windows when my necklace slips out of my shirt, swinging and tapping Tobias’s arm.    
   
Tobias looks to see what touched him, and when he notices the necklace, a shy smile creeps onto his lips and he holds the charm in his hand, rubbing his thumb over it.  “I love seeing you wear this,” he says.  “Almost as much as I love seeing your hair down.”  For a moment, we lose ourselves in one another’s eyes.  
   
“I have something to tell you,” Tobias says, leaning closer to me, so his lips brush mine when he speaks.  
   
   
I run my fingers along the tendons in his hand and look back at him.  
   
“I might be in love with you.”  He smiles a little.  “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”  
   
“That’s sensible of you,” I say, smiling too.  “We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something.”  
   
I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing behind my ear.  
   
“Maybe I’m already sure,” he says, “and I just don’t want to frighten you.”  
   
I laugh a little.  “Then you should know better.”  
   
“Fine,” he says.  “Then I love you.”  
   
“Good,” I say.  “Because I love you, too.”  
   
I kiss him for as long as I want, for longer than I should, given that our parents could walk through the door early.   In this moment, it’s worth the risk.  
   
 **++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	7. Secrets and a Birthday

_**Date: One month before Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony (Middle of May)**_  
 

#### Beatrice POV

   
Although my eyes are closed, I can see the light streaming in through my bedroom window.  I don’t open them; I know that once I acknowledge the sunlight I will not be able to go back to sleep.  For a moment I enjoy the gift of extra sleep, remembering that it is Sunday and we are allowed one extra hour of sleep on this day.    
   
I hear the water running in the bathroom-- the sink, more specifically.  How odd that anyone in my family would be up this early.  I turn over to lay on my stomach and it is then that I realize that Tobias is lying next to me.    
   
I sit up with a gasp, “Tobias!” I hiss as quietly as possible as I shake his shoulder.  He smiles without opening his eyes.  He obviously doesn’t realize how late in the morning it is.  We both overslept.    
   
I slip out of bed, moving the curtain an inch to look outside through my bedroom window.  There is already movement in the streets; for a moment I wonder if I have confused the day of the week.  No, that is impossible.  I clearly remember that yesterday was Saturday as I babysat for two different families last night and I needed to split the evening.  
   
And then I remember, today is a special day of service for Abnegation.  That explains why everyone is up and running so early.  
   
I close my eyes briefly remembering yesterday’s conversation that went late into the night.  It is no wonder we both fell asleep.  We talked for hours about our future, our hopes and dreams.  It was not the first time that Tobias told me that he loves me and he wants to marry me.    
   
He actually told me that he would rather be Factionless with me by his side than allow anyone to keep us apart.  He was so emotional when he said it; the tears shining in his eyes made my heart ache.  There is something to be said for knowing that someone loves you so deeply that you may very well be their everything.  I love him so much.  His happiness means more to me than my own.    
   
I know his choosing day will be soon, and he’ll be picking his future faction before me.  I had always dreamed of Dauntless, and now that Mother is financially secure and has Marcus…I‘ve allowed myself to dream of that life again.  On the other hand, I love Tobias and I believe he is suited for Abnegation.  He still needs to take his aptitude test, but I would guess that he will get Abnegation.  He thrives here, he is selfless by nature.  I didn’t say anything, but I know I would be willing to stay in Abnegation in order to be with him.  I love him that much.    
   
Last night was the first time we talked about having a family one day.  Tobias asked me if I was sure I wanted children.  That is an odd question to ask an Abnegation girl as we are raised to find our worth in providing our husbands with a child-- or two children, at most.  Any more than two children would be viewed as selfish.  I immediately told him yes, of course.    
   
When his smile faltered I froze to examine his face, not quite understanding the emotions I was witnessing.  He kissed me gently and admitted that he had not been sure if he would ever want to have a child of his own, but in loving me, he can see it now.  For the first time ever he can imagine himself having a real family of his own.  
   
As I push last night’s conversations out of my mind, I sit next to a sleeping Tobias and whisper in his ear again, “Tobias!  We overslept, one of our parents is in the bathroom right now.”    
   
His eyes pop open at that, he jumps to sit up.  We are quiet for a moment, both listening to the sink running.  He jumps out of bed and runs his fingers through his hair.  Fear flashes in his eyes, which in turn makes me nervous as well  
   
I never allowed myself to even imagine that we would get caught.  I know how much it would devastate my mother.  Hurting her would be the worst part; she doesn’t deserve more pain in her life.  Getting caught would be so bad... I can’t even imagine what would happen.    
   
“I’m so sorry Beatrice, this is my fault.” He pauses to look at me, and I move to stand closer to him.  I can see how scared he is.  His anxiety is wearing off on me, and I gently touch his cheek to try to calm him.  I hate to see him this way.  
   
It is usually Tobias that is calm and steady.  Our roles are temporarily reversed, so I don’t want to let him down.  
   
“It’s going to be ok.  We haven’t been caught yet.” I pause and look into his blue eyes.  “I love you Tobias Eaton, no matter what happens…I love you.”  
   
Suddenly his hands slip into my hair at the base of my neck and he gently pulls me towards him.  Without hesitation his lip are on mine and his tongue is slipping into my mouth.  I am stunned at the desperation I feel in his kiss.  I am also consumed by it and want more.  I slip one arm around him order to pull him closer and my other fists his night shirt.  
   
As our kiss deepens, I feel as though the air around me is charged with this tension, even fear, that we could get caught.  But part of me just doesn’t care.  I feel so loved while in his arms, and it seems to add to the electricity between us.  I know this boy loves me as much as I love him.  I trust him completely.  
   
As our kisses continue I suddenly feel his excitement pressing against my lower stomach, and I instantly feel a warmth in my chest.  He had once explained to me that an erection happens for boys when they are around a beautiful girl or for no reason at all.  I know he thinks I am beautiful, and we both make each other feel things that are special just between us.  My thoughts are interrupted when his arm suddenly wraps around the back of my hips to hold me steady and he suddenly rocks his waist against me, rubbing his dick against my stomach.  I feel him tremor as he sharply inhales his breath before kissing me harder than he ever has before.  
   
He suddenly gasps and jumps back from me.  His breathing is labored and he looks so torn, as though he is in agony.    
   
“Beatrice, that was too much.  I am so sorry, please forgive me.  I didn’t mean to be so forward…” his voice trails off and he notices that I am smiling at him.  
   
I have a deep ache in my stomach and I want to see if the flops in my stomach will repeat if he does that again.    
   
Without overthinking it, I step backwards until my back rests against the wall in my room.  I bite my lip and gently pull Tobias with me.  
   
“Beatrice…we can’t…I didn’t mean to be so forward.  I can’t do that again,” he whispers, his breathing labored.    
   
“Kiss me, please,” I whisper to him. “I love you, so much.”  
   
His lip trembles as he gently leans down to press his lips to mine, although I notice immediately that he is keeping his lower body a good distance away from me.  I decide to be bold; there is also part of me that is desperate to feel that pull in my lower stomach again.  
   
It felt amazing.  
   
Our kisses are sweet and loving as I slip my hands to his hips and pull his lower body to be near mine.  He uses his own strength to not allow his body to push against me with any pressure.  I notice that the ache in my stomach does not appear, though I desperately want it to.  
   
We break our kiss and he rests his forehead against mine.  I know he is trying very hard to resist this. For me, a gate has been opened.  I desperately love him and I want to feel him against me.    
   
“Please,” I whisper as I nip his lower lip to encourage him.  I know he really likes that.  
   
“Beatrice, no,” he says as he in turn plants a kiss to my forehead.  
   
I then slide my hands to the side of his hips and gently apply pressure.  He inhales sharply.    
   
“Just once more, I want to feel you.  I want to feel how much you want me,” I whisper. “Please, Tobias.”  
   
He leans down and kisses me deeply, his tongue slipping into my mouth.  I then give his hips another gentle squeeze and moan softly.  
   
Although I am already leaning against the wall his hands slide down my side and gently slip around to rest on my butt.  I whimper as I press back into the wall and, effectively, against his hands.    
   
He stops the kiss and stares into my eyes.  His breathing is erratic.    
   
“Tell me at any time if you want me to stop, this is completely new for me too,” he whispers, his eyes not leaving mine.  
   
Suddenly I feel his very hard dick as he gently and slowly moves his hips to rub up and down against me.  We look in each other’s eyes.  
   
It is hitting me against my lower stomach but then I have a very unusual sensation in between my legs.  Tobias watches me intently as my breathing becomes quicker.  I pull his hips even closer to me.  I bite my lower lip to keep from making noise.  
   
“Is this ok?” he whispers.  
“Tobias…I feel, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel so strange, down _there_.  Like really, really good,” I end in a whimper.  I find myself pushing off the wall to desperately get closer to him.    
   
I notice that he has a fine sheen of sweat across his brow.      
   
He looks pained for a moment, and then he whispers my name softly.  
   
As we stare in each other’s eyes it is as though we both decide to share a deep kiss at the same time, tilting our heads to allow our faces to move in precision as our tongues move together lovingly.    
   
I immediately notice he has stopped pressing against me as my body screams in annoyance.    
   
“Tobias...” I stammer.  
   
He immediately jumps back from me and looks worried. “Did I hurt you?  Was this too much?!  Beatrice, I’m sorry!” he whispers.  
   
I bite my lip nervously and think about what I want from him.  But I am not sure if I am brave enough to ask him.  As much as we love each other, this may be even too forward for me.  And then I realize that I am desperate to feel it, I want to feel his bulge against me…there.  I search his eyes, trying to imagine how he will react if I say what I’m thinking.  
   
Obviously we would never have sex before marriage.  But just once I want to feel him rub against me at my core, above our clothing.    
   
“Beatrice?  Are you ok?” he whispers while moving to pull me into his arms.    
   
I blush furiously and nod my head in a yes.  He notices that my cheeks are burning.  
   
He kisses my nose and asks, “Was this too much?  I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.  I love you, Beatrice.”  
   
I clear my throat, it’s now or never.  “It wasn’t too much.  I am embarrassed to tell you the truth…I want more.”  
   
He gulps, his adam’s apple bobbing intensely.  As his eyes widen I giggle nervously.  
   
“Um…” he says.    
   
I lean close to him, “Please, just once.  I want you to rub against me…in the right place.  We both have clothes on, I just want to see how it will feel.”  
   
He actually inhales sharply and then holds his breath.    
   
“Please,” I whisper.  “I mean, only if it is ok with you…”  
   
I then wonder if I have asked too much, maybe I am wrong to want to feel…that.  As I am about to apologize he leans in and kisses me slowly, sensually.  
   
I notice that he tries to bend his knees enough to get lower, in order to make contact in the spot I crave.  But it doesn’t work.  We both smile after his second failed attempt.  He is too tall, and I am too short.    
   
“As you can see, I don’t _really_ know what I am doing here…” he whispers in my ear.    
   
“What if way lay in the bed?” I say while biting my lip and blushing furiously.  
   
His eyes actually widen in shock.  
   
I pull him towards the bed and gently lay down while pulling him with me.  I have never been so bold in my life.  I also trust him. I trust him with my life, I trust him with this.  
   
I know that Tobias Eaton would never push this too far.  We lay side by side as we kiss gently, something we have done many times before.  But I haven’t forgotten what I am anxious to try.  
   
I gently press my lower body against his.    
   
He clears his throat, “All you have to say is ‘no’ or ‘stop’, ok?”    
   
I smile as I lay on my back and open my arms to him, he tentatively moves over me and tries to lay down on top of me while supporting his upper body weight.  I feel him at my stomach again.    
   
We quickly realize that lying this way is not really making the contact we were aiming for.  He smiles at me and shrugs, I am also not sure why this isn’t working.  We don’t need to say a word as we realize the moment has passed.    
   
We both just smile and he leans down to kiss me lovingly.  I love him so much.  I can’t wait until are married, and then we will need to figure this out.    
   
As our kisses intensify I suddenly feel that strong ache between my legs again, and this time it is as though my body and his figure it out at the same time.  The moment I gently move my legs apart he pushes his body into the space in between them.   Without hesitation I move my knees up and suddenly I feel his hard dick pressing against my panties, as my nightgown has ridden up to my waist.    
   
I gasp as I have never felt such a strong pleasure anywhere on my body before. He groans and buries his face into my neck.  “Please...now” I moan.    
   
His hips begin gently moving. I feel his shaft gently rubbing against my most sensitive area.    
   
I throw my head back and bite my lip painfully as I have the strongest desire to scream his name.  I am desperate for him, I would give anything to be married to him right now, at this very moment, so that he could satisfy the intense desire I am feeling.    
   
Suddenly he pulls the side of my nightgown down my shoulder exposing my left breast.  Without warning his lips attach to my nipple and he gently kisses it before taking it in his mouth.    
   
An intense zing of pleasure shoots from my nipple straight to my core, and I whimper, “Oh God, yes.” I run my fingers through his hair as I then whimper his name.  
   
I watch as he pauses to whisper my name and then gives my breast one gentle kiss before pulling my nightgown back up.    
   
It is only then that I realize the water of the shower is running and I have no idea how long ago my mother or Marcus started it.  They could be wrapping up in just moments.  Tobias seems to have the same thought and he quickly sits up on my bed and pulls me up with him.  
   
“The only thing I can think of that would be worse than being caught leaving your bedroom, is being caught leaving your room with my huge erection!” Tobias whispers.  
   
I giggle and kiss his cheek.  We agree that I will look out my door first, as we are in my room, and then he will quickly run to his room.  As we walk to the door, the shower is still running.  
   
I slip my hand in his, I don’t know if it is because we just did something so intense and personal…but I need his reassurance.  I need to know that we are ok, that he still loves me.  
   
“I won’t see you all day, I will be with the rest of the women at the clothing drive.  And once I am free, you and the men will be starting the next shift of moving the heavy boxes,” I pause, hating the neediness I hear in my voice. “We won’t even be having dinner together tonight.”  
   
Tobias stops and pulls me close to him, resting his chin on the top of my head.  His fingertips gently touch my chin to tilt my face to look at his.  His eyes study mine, and then he slowly and tenderly kisses my lips.    
   
“I love you so much, Beatrice Prior.  I adore you.  I promise you, tonight I will slip in your room.  Only to see you and to hold you.” He clears his throat. “As amazing as that was, we can’t do that again.  My urge to…take you, is too strong.  When we are married, I am going to make love to you the way you deserve.  I promise.  But we need to be smart, we need to wait.”  
   
I nod, knowing in my heart he is right.  Had he just _asked me_ … I would have gladly given him every part of me.  He already has me.  I am his, as he is mine.  
   
“Tonight, I promise.” He smiles.  
   
As I look out the door and hear the shower still running, the hallway is clear.  He quickly goes to his room and shut the door behind him.  
   
As I am in the process of closing my door, my mother steps out of her bedroom and makes eye contact with me.  She frowns for a second, “Beatrice?  Is everything ok?  I was just heading to your room to wake you.”  
   
“Good morning, Mother.  The noise on the streets woke me up, I was nervous that we had all over slept,” I say as calmly as I can manage.  
   
She smiles at me and instructs me to hurry as we do need to go.  As we both look to the restroom and hear that the shower is still running I realize that Marcus has been in the shower for quite a while.  
   
I think back to my parent’s marriage, what I was privy to witness over the years.  In an instance like this, my mother would have had no issue gently knocking on the bathroom door and sweetly reminding my father about our time constraints.    
   
I see the sadness in her eyes as she faces me again. “Beatrice, since we will be working so hard today, lets save our showers for our return.  Please dress quickly and meet me downstairs.”  
   
I note that her smile does not reach her eyes.  I nod and smile in return as I quickly follow her directions.  
   
It is amazing to me that the leader of the Abnegation faction, by definition selfless…is the most selfish person I have ever met.  
   
**++o++**  
   
I wipe the sweat off my brow as I continue to work.  The day has felt very long and today’s service project is taking its toll on me. Once a year the women and girls of Abnegation organize a large clothing drive in Millennium Park.  It is open for all of the factions to drop off gently used clothing.    
   
We spend all day gathering the clothing and sorting it into piles based by gender, style and then size.  It is unseasonably hot this year; we hold this drive in the middle of May, on a day that normally would be warm, but still cool enough to be able to work hard and remain cool.  
   
I notice that when my mother is away from Marcus, she is truly happier.  There are even moments when I look at her and forget all that we both have lost: two wonderful men who meant the world to us.  I will forever love and miss Father and Caleb.  Sometimes the pain has dulled so much that I can even forget for a moment, or at an event.  But as grief rolls in waves, the pain of the next memory is always stronger.  
   
As Marcus’s wife, Mother is now the top organizer of this event.  I watch her as she works diligently while also motivating all of us to do our best.  The women and girls of our faction love her.  I see the warmth and respect on their faces.  
   
Although pride is not an acceptable emotion for Abnegation, in this moment I could not be prouder to have this incredible woman as my mother.  I love her dearly.    
   
**++o++**  
   
That evening I enjoy a wonderful meal with Mother, just the two of us.  As much as I miss Tobias, I am enjoying this special time alone with her.    
   
During moments alone, I allow my thoughts to venture back to my morning with Tobias.  I love him, and I am counting the minutes until I can see him again this evening.  
   
My mother advises me that this year’s drive had taken in so many donations that she does not think that Marcus and Tobias will make it home before we need to go to bed.  I nod my head and remind myself that I will see Tobias late this evening.    
   
I hug Mother good night and I enjoy the hug that she gives me-- it is stronger than her usual one.  I sometimes wonder if she even realizes the subtle differences in how she treats me when we are alone, compared with when Marcus is in the room.  
   
**++o++**  
   
I am unable to fall asleep that night.  I hated not seeing him all day.  I smile to myself when I hear Marcus and Tobias return home.  I remain still as I listen to their quiet actions as they prepare for bed.  
   
Once I hear complete silence in the house I smile to myself.  I know that Tobias will wait a little longer before he comes to my room.  
   
I lay down and rest my eyes.  I hope he comes soon, I love him and I want to see him.  He promised he would come.    
   
**++o++**  
   
I am startled awake from a bad dream.  It was not a terrible nightmare, but still scary enough that I felt my heart jump as I quickly sat up.  It takes me a moment to lay back down on my bed and relax.  
   
It is then, with the sun's light, that I realize that it is already the early morning.  I frown to myself; he promised me that he would come to my room last night.  
   
I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling as I replay my conversation with Tobias.  He told me he loved me and promised he would come to my room.  
   
Why do I feel this way?  I have a knot in my stomach.  
   
And then it occurs to me that he has been volunteering all evening and late into the night.  The portion of this service activity that the men performed was very labor intensive.  He probably fell asleep.  
   
I figure out that we still have a couple of hours before the rest of the house wakes up.  For the first time I decide to slip out of my bed and walk quietly to his bedroom.  When I try to turn the knob I am surprised that the door is locked.  One of Marcus’s house rules is that children are not permitted to lock our bedroom doors.  
   
I pause.  I know I should just walk back to my bedroom, but I want to see him so badly.  Even if just for a moment.  
   
I breathe in and out before bringing my knuckles to his door and knocking as softly as possible.  I pause and wait, my heart is racing.  I glance over my shoulder at my mother and Marcus’s bedroom door, praying they don’t wake up.  
   
After a moment I knock one more time.  Suddenly Tobias cracks his bedroom door open.  I smile with relief and move to walk in. It is when he does not step back from the door frame that I realize that something is not right.    
   
“Tobias?  Um, can I come in?” I whisper, my eyes searching his.  It doesn’t even occur to me that he would not want to see me.  
   
After a short pause he nods his head no. “Beatrice, please understand…I am just not feeling well.  I am really sick.”  
   
My smile fades as I look at him, I study his face looking for something.  Is he disappointed in me because of this morning?  Did I take it too far?  Did I give him too much of me?  
   
“I love you.  Please don’t look at me that way, Beatrice.  I am just really sick.  I need to get back to sleep, and you need to go to your room.  Go to bed,” he whispers as he steps back and slowly closes the door on me.    
   
I turn and walk to my room.  I am numb, I want to believe him.  I really do.  
   
But then I think about what we did in my room, I can’t help but wonder if I ruined things between us.  
   
My lip trembles as I lay in bed and bury myself under the covers.  I allow myself to weep quietly.  My heart hurts.  
   
**++o++**  
   
The next morning when I walk down the stairs to help make breakfast, I am surprised to see my mother already in the kitchen preparing breakfast.  This is a chore that Tobias and I share.  
   
“Good morning, dear.  Could you please set the table?  I want to make sure breakfast is ready before Marcus comes down.”  
   
“Yes, mother.  Is Tobias coming down, I mean how many place settings should I set?” I ask.  
   
“Your father let me know last night that Tobias was feeling very sick, it hit him at the day of service.  He will be staying home from school today and we should not disturb him,” she sighs. “Marcus made it clear that he wants Tobias to rest, and we are not to knock on his door.”  
   
I sense that she has an issue with Marcus telling her that she is not allowed to check in on Tobias.    
   
I nod my head in agreement.  
   
As I eat my breakfast quietly I listen to Mother and Marcus go over the details of the clothing drive and all of the work that needs to still be done.  My mother asks me if I could please bring their dinner by again as they will be working very late.  I nod in agreement.    
   
Marcus instructs me that I am to not bother Tobias, and since I will be walking alone to bring their meal he wants me to make the trip before it gets dark.  I nod in agreement.  
   
There is a knock at our door and Marcus informs me that he asked Robert to walk to me to school along with his sister.    
   
After saying goodbye to my parents I walk down the road with Robert and Susan, I take one last look at my house and I see that the curtains in Tobias’s window are swaying, as though he has just been standing there a moment ago.  
   
**++o++**  
   
As I go through my classes for the day, I can’t stop thinking about Tobias.  I am trying to make sense of what is happening.  He didn’t come to my room as he had promised, and when he turned me away he told me that he as sick.  Although he didn’t seem ill… but Tobias is sick enough to miss school with Marcus’s approval.  He must be really sick, then.  
   
I close my eyes and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt wash over me.  I really doubted him, even after he told me that he loved me.  I know that he saw the look on my face and he shut his bedroom door.  He saw that I didn’t believe him.  
   
I can't let the entire day go by without seeing Tobias. When lunch arrives I head to the nurse's offices and use the excuse that I have a terrible headache, adding that I may be dehydrated from all of the work I did out in the sun the day before.  The nurse believes me, writes me a note for classes, and I am able to go home.    
   
The streets are empty as I make my way home.  I know that Mother and Marcus will be at the offices all day-- and all evening, for that matter.  
   
I silently enter the house and walk in.  I don’t want to disturb Tobias if he is resting.  As I quietly walk through the house I look around and see that all is in perfect order.  I wonder if my mother did this after I left, although I can’t imagine that Marcus would allow her to do chores that are normally reserved for Tobias and me to complete after school.  I am about to open the refrigerator to make Tobias a snack to bring to his room when I hear a horrible scream come from upstairs.  
   
I instantly get chills, I have never heard someone make a noise like that.  When I hear Tobias cry out for a second time I race up the stairs and burst into his room.  The sight that greets me is like nothing I have ever seen before.    
   
**++o++**  
   
My first thought upon entering his room and seeing a man’s back, completely bloodied and covered with welts, is that Tobias must have found a person that was in a _terrible_ accident, and he brought him home to help.  For a second I am relieved I came home so that I can provide aid as well.  
   
“Beatrice?!  What are you doing here?” I hear Tobias say as he quickly whirls around and I can no longer see _his back_. “You shouldn’t have seen this!  You need to go.  Please just go!”  
   
I hear the pain in his voice, and in that moment I realize it is my Tobias that is horribly injured.  I think back to his screams of agony.    
   
_My God, what happened to him?!_  
   
My eyes widen and I feel sick to my stomach.  “Tobias, look at your back!?”  I step closer to him.  
   
“It’s nothing.  Please, just go downstairs.  I will be down shortly,” he says as his voice falters.  I notice he has a fine sheen of sweat on his face and chest, as though he may be fevered.  
   
“I’m fine, go,” he repeats.  
   
“You’re _fine_?” I shake my head as though he just told me he can fly and is planning to visit the moon.  
   
We are both silent as we stare at each other from across the room.  It is then that I notice he has a medical kit laying on his bed, the contents spilled out.  I am familiar with the medical kit we owned before they arrived, and from packing up the Eaton’s bathroom myself, I also remember bringing the small medical kit their family previously owned.  The kit on his bed is one I have never seen before and is much larger than a normal Abnegation family would store in their home.  Why does he have that?    
   
“I can explain,” he whispers as he sees me staring intently at the kit and supplies.  “I never wanted to burden you, I still don’t.  There is also a part of me that is so ashamed.”  
   
_Marcus._  
   
My lip trembles, I am instantly filled with rage.  I have never been so angry in all of my life.  I have never felt hate until this very moment.    
   
“Your father is an animal.  You have nothing to be ashamed about,” I say firmly, meeting his gaze full on.  
   
The nervousness that Tobias had a moment earlier is gone, a look of relief passes his face.  
   
“I was afraid if you found out, I don’t know,” His voice softens.  “You aren’t giving me that look.  Like I’m a kicked puppy or something.”  
   
“Well,” I say.  “You’re not.”  
   
For a second his dark blue eyes are on mine, and he’s quiet.  He steps closer to me and leans in close, brushing my lips with his.  He gently grasps my hands in his and then presses his mouth to mine.  
   
We gently kiss for a couple of minutes and then I feel him wince.  
   
“May I help you?  I promise I won’t freak out, I love you and I want to try to take care of you,” I whisper.  
   
He frowns, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but it is so horrible…I don’t want you to be exposed to _this_.  I can do it myself.  I have a lot of practice…unfortunately.”  
   
I frown and feel my stomach drop, this is what I was afraid of.  I have to control my face and body because I want to scream.  I want to break things.    
   
I want to hurt Marcus Eaton.  I want to hurt him badly.  
   
“Come on, you can help me with the parts I can’t reach.” He pauses.  “I’ll show you what you have to do.”  
   
The next hour is one of the hardest of my life: watching the man I love expertly tend to his horrific wounds and then trying to wrap my mind around the reason why he is so proficient.  
   
I force myself to remain calm.  I know that what I am feeling is little compared to his pain.  I love him, and I will be strong for him.  
   
I gently touch his shoulder on one of the few areas that is not blistered or bleeding.  His skin is very warm to the touch.  “Tobias, I am worried you may have an infection.  You have a slight fever.”  
   
He coughs, “It will be ok.  He has been this bad…before.  I just need to rest and drink some water.  It will pass.  The ointment and special bandages will do their job.”  
   
As he is speaking I allow my eyes to roam his back; there are also terrible healed scars, of all different sizes and color.  I imagine they are from different periods in time.  
   
“How long?” I ask softly. “How long has this been going on?”  
   
Tobias asks me to lay down next to him on the bed.  I lay on my stomach like he is and squeeze in right next to him.  I am careful not to touch his injuries, but I instantly love the feel of his side pressed against mine.  The moment I am settled and comfortable he looks at me and smiles.  
   
We talk for hours.  Tobias shares that as a child it was very traumatic for him, witnessing the way that his mother was treated by Marcus.  He gave me some examples of how unhappy his mother had been, how awful Marcus was to her.  He admits that as terrible as it was to lose his mother, he was happy that she could finally be at peace: death was better than the abuse Marcus had inflicted on her.  I listen quietly as Tobias shares his feelings, and thoughts, and even as he desperately tries to analyze his father’s behavior.  
   
Tobias explains that he was very worried when our parents first married.  He feared for Mother, but then he was so relieved at how happy she makes Marcus.  Mother really is the perfect Abnegation wife, she works tirelessly and support Marcus at every turn.  Marcus loves that.  After I listen to Tobias’s reasoning I believe that he is right, my mother is the perfect wife, and Marcus loves perfection.  He would never hurt her.  
   
He tells me about his mother’s funeral and how Marcus changed with him immediately after.  He tells me about the physical abuse, how Marcus views it as a parenting tool to make him a stronger man, to make him better.  He also tells me about the closet-- the hours he has spent locked up like an animal.  He even admits to me that since Mother and I have moved in, he is thrilled he has not been left to sit in the closet all night long.  I feel sick to my stomach listening to it all.    
   
He makes me promise not to tell anyone, especially Mother.  He knows that Marcus will go insane and lash out if Mother finds out.  Tobias admits that Marcus cares deeply for what Natalie thinks of him. It is safer for everyone if it remains a secret.  I know that he is right, but the deceit and allowing Marcus to get away with that makes me ill.  
   
“Do you remember when I told you that I would rather be Factionless than have a life without you?” he whispers.  
   
I nod, encouraging him to continue.  
   
“I... don’t know if I can stay here.  I want to be here with you…but I don’t think Marcus will ever leave me alone.  But if I leave Abnegation, it will be a two full years before you could follow me.” He catches himself, I see that his cheeks are now flushed. “I mean, if you wanted to come with me of course.”  
   
“I love you, Tobias Eaton.  We don’t need to decide where in this moment.  Know this: I would also rather be Factionless and by your side, than to ever be away from you.  You are my future.  As long as we are together, I will be happy.” I pause remembering my dreams. “And for the record, I have always had a strong interest in Dauntless, in case that is something you would be open to considering…”  
   
“I love you Beatrice.  And yes, if you wanted Dauntless…I think we could make that work.  Honestly, I am just relieved you didn’t say Amity.”  
   
We both laugh at the thought.  
   
That was the day that Tobias and I really understood what it meant to be in love.  Separate from the smiles, touches, kind gestures, and passionate moments…we both learned what it meant to be there for someone when they needed you the most.    
   
We became a team, we had no more secrets between us and we began planning our future, while also enjoying our remaining time together.  
   
**++o+ Two Weeks Have Passed +o++**  
   
I scowl anticipating my volunteer obligation handing out supplies in Factionless today.  Last week Marcus encouraged Mother to organize a day of service that would take a lot of planning and then result in a full day of volunteer work on the other side of town.  Marcus pointed out that we usually stick to the Factionless zone that is closest to Abnegation to hand out supplies.  
   
Today he wanted the women to set up a post at the furthest point of Factionless territory so that we could reach people that normally would not have access to supplies.  My mother loved the idea and jumped in at full force.  It was one of the few times I have ever seen her give Marcus a genuinely loving smile.  
   
It made me sick, not because I was thinking of my father, but because I knew what Marcus was really planning.  He wants Mother and I to be away from the house the entire day so that he can torment Tobias on his actual birthday.  
   
Tobias had explained that Marcus had an obsession about making Tobias a better man, so the closet on his birthday was a ritual for him.  
   
It killed me to leave the house this morning knowing that Tobias will be suffering all day.  His claustrophobia is unbearable.  Tobias put on a brave face and smiled at Mother and I while encouraging us to have a wonderful day of service and to be safe.  
   
As Marcus was waiting outside and speaking to a few other council members, I told my mother I needed to use the restroom one last time. She encouraged me to make haste as we had a lot of work to do in little time.  
   
I flew back into the house and Tobias was cleaning the morning dishes.  He looked startled to see me.  
   
I ran over to him and kissed him lovingly.  He immediately held me tightly.  
   
“Happy birthday, my love,” I whispered as I gently touched his face.  I leaned up and pulled him down by the shirt so that I could whisper in his ear, “I know today will be hard, but I want you to know…that I have the most amazing birthday gift planned for you.  Ok?  Please hold on to that, let that help you make it through today.  Promise me?  I need to know you will be ok.”  
   
I hated the way that my voice cracked at the end, the I felt desperation leaving him behind.  
   
“I will be fine.  You be safe and hurry home.  We will spend time together later,” he said.  “Hurry, go.”    
   
I ran into the bathroom and flushed the toilet and then washed my hands.  I wanted to make sure my lie about using the bathroom would stand up.  
   
The day ahead of me is long, but I am also nervous for later.     
   
I know what my gift for Tobias will be, I just hope he likes it.  I smile as I pat the small bottle of lotion in the pocket of my dress.  I managed to take it unnoticed from the large bin of donation supplies.    
   
Surely the factionless can do with one less small bottle of lotion.  Besides, I need it for a very good cause.  
   
**++o++**  
 

#### Tobias POV

   
I lay in silence for a full hour after our family has gone to bed for the night.  I know that Mother is exhausted from the day of service, and Marcus is always so pleased with himself at the end of day when I have been punished successfully.  I made it a point not to provoke him in any way.  I hate the closet, but at least once it is over I am able to function normally, unlike when he beats me so badly that I can barely stand after.  
   
Once enough time has passed I silently slip into Beatrice’s bedroom and shut the door.  She sits up and smiles at me.  She looks lovely, especially with her hair brushed out.  
   
“Hey,” I say.  
   
“Hi.  Please lock the door,” she whispers.  
   
I frown, I worry that if someone discovers that the door is locked, they could assume that things are worse than they are.  
   
I open my mouth to object when she smiles at me asks me again.  I do as she wishes.  I run to sit next to her on the bed and pull her in my arms.  She throws her arms around me and pulls me close.  
   
“Are you OK?  Tell me, did he…” she says desperately.  
   
“Beatrice, look at me.  I am fine, and it is over.  Knowing that I would get to see you and do this…” I kiss her roughly on the lips and she whimpers, “made today’s closet exercise easy.”  
   
She smiles at me and nods.  
   
“Well then happy birthday, my love,” she whispers as she lays down on the bed and invites me to lay next to her.  We begin to gently kiss, but keep it at that.  
   
It has been two weeks since we had that early morning of passion, and then my terrible beating.  We agreed that it was amazing, but something that could easily lead to a lot more if we were not careful.  We have taken a step back and just enjoyed hugging and kissing.  
   
She slowly turns her head so she can kiss my neck.  I instantly feel a pull in my groin as I am awakened.  
   
“I love you, and I hope you like your present,” she says, giggling lightly but also sounding nervous.  
   
“I am sure I will, what it is?” I ask teasingly. “Why are you making me wait?”  
   
She pulls me back into a deep kiss and assures me she will give it to me soon.  I smile and deepen our kiss.  I don’t care about any gift; having her close to me is all I want in life.  
   
As we are both lying side by side on the bed, facing each other it does not surprise me when she places her hand on my hip to steady herself.    
   
She breaks the kiss and pulls her head back, biting her lip nervously. I smile at her, searching her eyes, trying to understand what she is thinking.  She watches my face intently as I feel her hand slowly move down from my hip to stroke my shaft above my clothing.  
   
I gasp at the unexpected contact, my dick immediately loving the attention from her fingertips.    
   
“Um, Beatrice?” I mumble, barely able to get the words out.  
   
She bites her lips as her fingers begin rubbing me up and down along the seam of my sleep pants.  
   
A shiver goes through me as I feel my dick getting hard.  She is now applying more pressure as she strokes me up and down through the thin material of my pants.  I remember that I am not wearing boxers, I never do for sleep.    
   
I feel my dick get hard all the way as my breathing becomes more erratic.  Beatrice’s eyes locked in mine, she bites her lip flirtatiously.  She looks really pleased with herself.  
   
She gently leans towards me and I meet her halfway for a kiss.  As our tongues begin moving together, I whimper.  She is still stroking along my shaft, up and down.    
   
As she slips her hand past the waistband of my pants and her hand touches my penis she seems startled for a second.  
   
“You ok?” I ask her huskily.  
   
She wraps her fingers around my shaft and starts to stroke me up and down. “I was just surprised you weren’t wearing underwear,” she whispers as she leans closer to me and begins kissing my neck.  
   
I wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me.  I try to stay still and enjoy the feelings that are washing over me.  The throbbing in my dick is like nothing I have ever felt before.  In my life I have never imagined a moment like this.  I didn’t know that a woman could do this to a man.  
   
“I hope you are enjoying your birthday present, my love,” she whispers.  I run my fingertips along her jaw and then bury my hand behind her head.  I hold her face while I lean over and begin kissing her passionately.  
   
After a couple of minutes we break to breathe and she pulls her hands out of my pants.  I assume she is done, my breathing now erratic.  I can feel the tightness in my stomach as my erection is huge.  I don’t care how worked up I am.  I love being close to her.  
   
“Beatrice…I don’t know what to say.  This is incredible, I never knew…Thank you, baby, I have never felt as good as I do right now.  That was an amazing birthday present.” I smile at her and she blushes.  
   
She firmly pushes me so that I am lying on my back, her hands begin pulling down my sleep pants.  “Um?  What are you…I mean?  Beatrice!” I hiss as the open air hits my dick and I realize I am fully erect and visible to her.    
   
“Is this ok?” she asks shyly as her hand returns to my dick and she tentatively touches me for a moment.  Both of our eyes watch as my dick twitches the moment she makes contact.  She bites her lip and smiles.  
   
“This is more than ok. I just need to make sure you are ok with this too?  How did you, I mean…wow!” I mutter and her fingers wrap around my shaft and begin stroking me up and down.    
   
“I overheard some older girls from Factionless talking…  I want to make you feel good.  They said that I should ask you if you want me to be a little softer or rougher as I touch you.” She gives my shaft a gentle squeeze and for the first time my hips move to pump in and out of her hand.  
   
She lays down next to me and resumes kissing my neck while she touches me softly.  I am so overcome by lust that I know I need to touch her.  As much as I want to pleasure her between her legs, I don’t think she is ready. I watch her face as I pull one side of her nightgown down her shoulder, I gently begin fondling her beautiful breast, I watch amazed as I roll her hardening nipple between my fingers.  She whimpers and gives my dick a little squeeze, her eyes heavy with lust.  I kiss her hard  and she moans as I gently squeeze her nipple.    
   
Suddenly she moves to straddle me, sitting on my upper thighs, not making contact with my penis.  Her nightgown is still pulled down her shoulder; her gorgeous breast is perky and calling to me.  My hand trembles as I reach up to pull her night gown all the way down to rest around her waist.    
   
My eyes immediately focus on the gift I gave her: the necklace and heart charm that lays low enough to rest between her beautiful breasts. I love that my secret gift is always with her, hidden from the rest of the world. I gently touch the cool metal of the intricate heart charm. I know Beatrice has my heart, and she always will.  
   
She looks me in the eyes and bites her lower lip, her arms suddenly crossed covering her chest, effectively moving my hand away.  
   
“I’m sorry, I should have asked first…I didn’t mean,” I mutter sheepishly.  
   
“It’s just…I mean, I know I don’t have big breasts like so many women do…” she interrupts me but then lets her sentence die.  
   
“Your breasts are the most amazing things I have ever seen.  And they are perfect, perfect for me,” I say firmly as I shift her a little lower so I can sit up to face her.  I move her arms aside as I watch her expression to make sure this is ok. She nods her head to encourage me.    
   
I press my forehead to hers and whisper, “First, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you wear the gift I gave you.  The truth is, you have this charm heart...but you will always have my real heart as well. I love you. Second, I really like to touch and kiss your breasts when you touch me.  Actually, I love it.”  
   
She blushes and smiles.  Beatrice brings each of my hands to her breasts and begins kissing me seductively.    
   
She reaches around me, under her pillow and pulls out a small bottle.  I immediately recognize it as the body lotion we sometimes hand out to the factionless.  
   
“Beatrice?” I say softly.  
   
“Trust me, I want to make you feel amazing.  Ok?” she says, “It is your birthday after all.  I want to replace all of the years of terrible memories on this day… if you will let me.”  
   
I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat... again.  It amazes me how much this woman loves me.  How did I get so lucky to fall madly in love with such an incredible woman who actually loves me back?  
   
I watch as she puts a glob of lotion in the palm of her hand and rubs them together.  She kisses me gently as I begin caressing her breasts again.  I take one moment to bend over and take her left nipple into my mouth while I massage her other breast.  
   
I suddenly gasp as she wraps both of her hands around my dick and begins pumping me up and down, the lotion adding a level of feeling that almost causes me to buck us both of the bed.  
   
“Fuck!  Oh my God, that feels amazing,” I gasp as I tightly close my eyes to stop myself from screaming out in pleasure.  I lay back down on the bed and watch her pump her hands up and down my dick, I place my hands on her thighs and she is sitting on my lap as her hands work me up and down.    
   
I begin pumping up and down into her hand as well.  
   
“Baby, I can feel it.  I am so close…when I come my seed will shoot out.  There can be a lot,” I gasp as I close my eyes desperately try to hold off my orgasm.  “I don’t want to get it all over you and your sheets.  We have to stop, we have to stop right now.  Please!  I can’t take much more,” I moan.  
   
When she reaches past me and pulls a towel, that I recognize from the linen closet, out from under her pillow my eyes widen.    
   
“I want you to come.  I want to make you feel incredible,” she says sweetly  
   
I snatch the towel and lay it above my groin area.  I nod to her and she begins pumping my dick as I start pumping my hips as well.  I moan and say random things, I mumble incoherently as I feel the tightness in my balls and suddenly I am seeing stars.  She continues pumping as I feel my seed releasing.  
   
Once I am done I collapse back on the bed, completely spent.  
   
She smiles at me proudly, and I smile back.    
   
I watch as she uses the towel to clean off her hands as well.  And then she begins wiping me down.    
   
“I love you, forever, Beatrice,” I whisper, undoubtedly with a look of awe on my face.  
   
She smiles at me. “I know.  Happy birthday, my love.”  
   
This is the most amazing birthday I have ever had.    
   
**++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	8. His Choosing Ceremony

**_Date: Tobias Choosing Ceremony (Middle of June)_ **

 

**_Tobias POV_ **

As I enter the house, I feel a moment of relief that nobody's home yet.  Beatrice is still at school; all of the younger year students had a regularly scheduled day.  It was only my class that had the Aptitude Tests today, in preparation for tomorrow’s Choosing Ceremony.  Mother and Father are working around the clock in preparation for the ceremony.  

A frown crosses my face in sadness.  This is not the first time I have thought of Natalie as _ my _ mother.  Of course, just like Beatrice, I had been ordered to call her my mother the moment she married Marcus.  But over these months, she has found her way into my heart.  I am going to miss Natalie a lot.

I think about relationships, and how they develop in our hearts, often outside our control.  Natalie easily filled a void in my life as a mother-like figure.  I will never forget who Evelyn is to me, how could I?  My mother and I share a bond because of Marcus that will bind us forever, even past her death.  My heart was open to accepting her.  

I can honestly say that never, not for one moment, did I look at Beatrice as my sister.  For a moment I wonder if meeting on the roof of the funeral changed the course of our lives.  How would life have been if we really had met at the wedding, and presented instead as step-siblings for the first time meeting?

Smiling, I’ll be forever grateful for _when,_ and what happened, when we met.

Sometimes I wonder if it is because I love Beatrice so deeply that I admire her mother for raising such an amazing young woman.  As though I owe her thanks for all of my happiness as without Natalie, I would not have the love of my life.

But I know that is not true, it is more than that.  From the moment Natalie Prior became Natalie Eaton, she has showered me with love and kindness.  I still think back to that day early in their marriage that she asked me to walk her to a service activity.  She spoke frankly, understanding that she would never replace Evelyn, just as I would never be a replacement for Caleb.  I remember lowering my eyes to the ground as I heard the catch in her voice at the mention of her lost son.  She was still in so much pain, even though she tried so hard to hide it.

It was something which years of blending in and being unnoticed provided: people around me would let down their guard, as though I was not even there.  During our walk she asked me to make a pact with her, that if either of us did something that upset the other, we would be honest with each other.  It could be our little secret, not for Marcus or Beatrice to know about.  

When we reached her destination and I was about to turn and walk away, she asked me if I was happy.  I was so stunned at the question that I just stared at her with my mouth open.  Someone caring about my happiness was a new concept to me. She smiled at me kindly and reassured me that she takes her role as a mother very seriously.  That one of her top responsibilities in life was to be there for her children, and I was part of her family now.  I was weary over her true intentions that day.  But as time passed, I began to love Natalie as I would have were she my real mother.  She was more of a parent to me than Marcus ever was.

As I walk to my bedroom I make sure the door is closed behind me.  Although I am home alone, I wedge the desk chair under the knob, just in case.  Then I crouch next to the bed and reach under it to the trunk I keep there.

Evelyn gave it to me when I was young, lying to my father and claiming it was for spare blankets.  Inside the trunk was the blue sculpture she had gifted me in secret.  It looked like falling water, but it was really glass-- polished, flawless.  It was the only thing I had left of my mother.  

Since then I have filled the trunk with objects that others would call useless.  Trinkets, really-- things that I wanted to save as mine.  They were my secret, and thus valuable.  I smile remembering how I purchased the heart necklace, that I later gave to Beatrice, just days after Andrew and Caleb Prior’s funeral.  Even from that one secret moment we shared on the roof of the funeral home, she was in my heart.  Although I was not certain I would ever see or be near her again, I got it for the girl who stole my heart the moment I met her.  

I shake my head at the irony.  Who would have guessed that two months later we would be blindsided with our parents’ wedding, thus becoming “pseudo” siblings?  I know now, it was all meant to be.  We are destined to be together, to love each other.  

As much as I enjoyed hiding that necklace in my secret trunk, giving it to her was an even greater joy.  I sigh and smile as I look at all of my trinkets I had collected over the years.  I pick up each object and turn it in my hands so I’ve memorized every part of every one.  

I am startled when I hear Marcus’s footsteps in the hallway just outside my bedroom.  I quickly throw of my trinkets in the trunk and lock it, shoving it under my bed.  At the last second I realize I left the gift Evelyn gave me out and shove it under my pillow. 

Marcus tries the doorknob as I dive to move the chair so that he can enter.  

When he does, he eyes the chair in my hands with suspicion.  “Are you trying to keep me out of your room?”

“No, sir.”

“I don’t like to be lied to.  I didn’t raise my son to be a liar,” Marcus spits coldly.  

“I-“ I can’t think of a single thing to say, so I just close my mouth and carry the chair back to my desk where it belongs.

“What were you doing in here that you didn’t want me to see?” he hisses.

Ironically, all of the countless nights Beatrice and I have stolen to be close and share affection run through my mind.  Those beautiful moments between us were the more important things to keep safe and hidden.  And now I am being questioned by Marcus about a trunk of sentimental trinkets.  

“Nothing,” I say quietly.

“More lies,” he say, and his voice is low but hard.  He starts towards me, and I back up instinctively.  But instead of reaching for me, he bends down and pulls the trunk out, and is unable to open it.  “Your mother claimed this was for blankets.  Why was it kept locked?“

He holds out his hand, palm up, and raises his eyebrows at me.  I quickly give him the key in an effort to not provoke him even more.

He is infuriated by all of the small items the trunk contains.  “These things poison my house with selfishness!” he screams. 

His hands collide with my chest. I stumble back and hit the dresser.  Then he draws his hand back to hit my face, and I say, my throat tight with fear, “The Choosing Ceremony, Dad!”

Marcus pauses and leaves to get his belt.  He is always careful not to leave a mark on my face, especially when others may notice.  I sag against the dresser, knowing he will return.  

He hits me until I need to stuff my fist in my mouth to muffle a scream.  He then destroys every trinket that I own.  I am thankful the blue statue my mother left had been hidden under my pillow so it would survive.  

With Marcus coaching me in great detail, I was able to pull an Abnegation result from my Aptitude test.  I can’t help but wonder, had I been free to just take the test with no preparation – would my result have been the same?

I know more than ever: If I don’t leave Abnegation I will never get away from him.

* * *

Later that night, Beatrice is tending to my wounds as I lay face down on her bed.  I feel bitter tears roll down my cheeks into my pillow.  I hate that man.  He has managed to ruin our _last_ _night together_ with his belt.  It never occurred to me that he would invent an excuse to come by the house in order to see me alone.  He knew that Natalie would be tied up and Beatrice still at school.

I am madder at myself for not anticipating how cunning he is, and that he would  _ need _ his last opportunity to “make me a better man.”  I should have known.  I should have expected him.  

“Tobias, my love…it’s ok, right?  The pain isn’t too bad, is it?” Beatrice asks me with a lilt to her voice.  She has been so sad these last few days.  While at the same time incredibly passionate, as though trying to work in as much affection as we safely could before I would be leaving Abnegation.  

“I’m fine.  It’s ok.  I am just sorry our last night has to be spent like this.  I hate him.” 

She releases a sigh and then leans down to kiss my cheek.  “I know, I know.  I hate him too.  But this is ending now.  You are picking Dauntless tomorrow, and we will still see each other as we planned.  We will find our stolen moments…and then two years from now we will start  _ our lives together _ when I can go to Dauntless as well.”  She pauses.  “In two years…”

I hear the sadness in her voice again.  It breaks my heart.  God knows I will miss her terribly too.  We have been spoiled these last months.  Not only have we lived in the same house, but many of our day to day activities pushed us together and allowed us time to be alone.  That, as well as our stolen nights, has given us so much time to become closer.  I have grown used to sleeping with her pressed to my side.  She has not had a nightmare in months. 

While Beatrice takes care of my wounds and gives me gentle kisses, I lay down remembering how loving she has been in our last moments together.  Whether we were at home alone during the day or a couple of times while we were making deliveries around the city and could find a hidden nook – our stolen kisses, hugs, she would even pull me close and pull my arms around her, placing my hands on her breasts so she could enjoy my touch while pressing her backside into me.  She did that one time in public…and we had to wait ten minutes for my erection to go away before we could walk home.  I had to think of killing puppies for goodness sakes!  She laughed the entire time.  

I will never forget that time we were alone in the kitchen, when Mother and Marcus had left for a luncheon.  She surprised me by getting the lotion out…having that experience in the middle of the kitchen, made it feel even more dangerous.  

I offered to return the experience that day.  I wanted to touch her... in that way.  I wanted to make her feel as amazing as she had done for me.  She kissed me slowly and promised she wants to feel that as well, but since her birthday is next month, she wants me to plan on making it her birthday gift.

I laughed and promised her, that no matter how – I would find a way to not only see her on her seventeenth birthday but also find a place we would enjoy some time alone.  She smiled at me and kissed me aggressively.  She did allow my hands to wander south for a couple of minutes, over her many layers of clothing, until she bit my lip playfully and moved my hands up to her breasts.  I fantasize about making her explode, I can’t imagine anything sexier than both of us bringing each other pleasure at the same time.

“Tobias?  Did you fall asleep on me?” Beatrice whispers in my ear.  I hum appreciatively, I love it when she gets close.  Her gentle whisper tickles me.

“Of course not, I am just making mental notes about how we plan to celebrate your upcoming birthday,” I tease.  She laughs and pinches my butt cheek. 

I painfully and slowly move so that I can lay on my side and face her.  A couple of the belt slashes curved around the side of my torso leaving welts, but nowhere near as painful as the area on my actual back where skin was broken in numerous places.  

“Don’t pinch my butt, I am too injured to make a move on you,” I whine.  

“The good news is, tomorrow is step one of  _ our new life _ .  I love you, Beatrice Prior.  If I could marry you right now, I would,” I say, my voice cracking.  I am trying very hard not to cry. “Tell me you know how much I adore you.  I can’t live without you.” 

She bites her lower lip while putting away the rest of the medical bag and leaving it by the door so that I can remember to take it with me when I sneak out in a few hours.

When she turns to face me again she smiles at me.  “I do know.  If there is one thing I believe in…it is us.  I’ll love you forever.”

She carefully lays down next to me, also on her side and facing me.  She is cautious not to hurt me or touch my injuries by accident. Once comfortable, she gently traces my jaw, and then lips, with her fingertips.  “It is hard to believe that two years from today, I will be alone in this room…counting down the hours to when I can finally join you in Dauntless.  Two years feels like an eternity, but we have to get through it.”

I smile at her, of course.  Two years, in order to get to the forever we both want, is nothing.

We lay in bed that way for another couple of hours talking.  When finally we need to sleep, Beatrice lays on her back and then I am able to get comfortable while halfway laying on top of her. Face down so that my back can rest while not being aggravated.

As sleep consumes me I try to commit this moment to memory.  I will miss all of our late night stolen moments.  

* * *

The next morning, I slip into my room very early, making sure not to wake her as I leave.  I am thankful she placed my medicine bag at her bedroom door.  I grab it as I move quietly into the hallway.  I carefully slip into my bed for what I know will be the last time of my life.  It is a good feeling.  

Part of me fantasizes what it would be like to have been able to stay in Abnegation and go through initiation here.  I like to pretend there is no Marcus, and that I don’t have a back that a marred with scars.  I would have been able to see her more often if I had stayed, even while I waited for her initiation to come.  

As I am about to close my eyes, my door flings open.  Marcus is standing there in his sleep clothes.  For a moment I think he is going to get one last beating in before the ceremony.  Then I see Natalie walking past him to head downstairs.  

“Wake up, son.  Your mother and I have too many things we need to do today to prepare for the ceremony.  I need you to help me make some deliveries to the other factions.  We don’t have a lot of time, so we will need to quickly eat some bread before we go out.” He looks over at Beatrice’s door.  “ _ That girl  _ is worthless.  I’d rather she sleep than get in our way.  Maybe not during your initiation, but after, even when you have your own home, I will  _ expect _ you to still come here and help that incompetent girl with the chores and cooking of this house.  You can then stay for dinner as well.”

“Yes, Father,” I say.  It takes every ounce of discipline I have not to scowl at him for talking about Beatrice that way or laugh at his vision of my Abnegation future. 

“Hurry up, Son,” Marcus says, and he hurries to get ready himself.

* * *

Breakfast with Natalie was short.  She knew that Marcus and I needed to deliver Ceremony pamphlets to all the other factions before they were both expected at the Hub to set up the ceremony.  Natalie apologized to me, regretful that on such an important day that I would need to do work.  Marcus smiled at me and said he was looking forward to some father-son time, so it worked out well.  That was also the excuse he gave Natalie for not wanting Beatrice to join us.  

As both Father and I place the filled backpacks over our shoulders, the weight of the backpack making my wounds sting.  Marcus just smiles at me.  My stomach instantly fills with dread.  I know this man.  He always has an ulterior motive.  Always.  

We walk in silence until we reach our first stop, the Candor building.  As we enter the lobby the receptionist recognizes Marcus and immediately stands to greet him.  Father is, after all, the leader of the governing faction.  

Shortly Jack Kang, the leader of Candor, joins us in the lobby to greet Marcus personally.  It is when someone important is present that Marcus puffs up his chest and introduces me as his son, pointing out what a big day it is for our family.  I smile obediently, I would not dare provoke Marcus in front of someone of importance. 

Marcus explains that there is a bundle of pamphlets that need to get to every faction before the ceremony.  He assures Jack that he wanted to personally make sure that Candor received their set first.  Marcus then makes a point of staring at his watch and frowning, and mentioning he still needs to make deliveries to Dauntless, Erudite and Amity. 

Jack Kang takes the bait and offers to have someone on his team finish the deliveries for Marcus.  He insists that it would be his pleasure to relieve some of the tremendous workload Marcus has on his shoulders.  Marcus feigns shock at the kind gesture, as though he is so impressed and surprised at Jack’s foresight.  I manage to stand there with a frozen smile on my face, I know if I dared laugh my father just might not care that I show up with a swollen face and split lip to my choosing ceremony.  We remove the remaining bundles from our bags and thank Jack again before leaving.

As we walk out into the street I hold my breath.  I can feel that this was an elaborate plan for my father to get me alone and away from Natalie.  My father says nothing as he begins walking down the street with purpose.  As though by instinct, I know I need to follow, and not fall too far behind.  It is pathetic how much I worry about walking correctly down the street with my father.

As we walk deeper into Factionless I begin to wonder where he is taking me, and why.

“Have a seat Tobias, we need to have an important discussion.” He says as he sits on a bench at the side of a building.  I quickly follow his instructions and sit down, glancing around to see that there is no one around.

“I wanted to talk to you about my life, if only to help you understand me…and even to understand more about yourself.” he finishes.  He looks cold, but also has an expression that reflects resolve.  I straighten my back in morbid anticipation and curiosity.

“As I was growing up, my father was a very hard man.  He ran a tight home.  He expected things to be a certain way.  He was very  _ firm with me. _  He wanted me to be the best man I could be.  I never imagined that I would be just like him.” Marcus speaks without emotion, as though he doesn’t care that I am even sitting there.

“But I am.  The anger, the need for control is something that is inside of me, a rage that can’t be controlled, Tobias.  You are my son.  You are a part of my line.  You have my blood coursing through your veins.” My heart skips a beat.

_ No. _

_ No way. _

_ I will never be like him.  _

_ He is a monster. _

Marcus continues, “I know I have been hard on you, but it was for your own good.  One day you will understand this.  I need to help you now.  Come with me, Son.”

He stands up and begins walking, I get up and follow silently.  We enter the main hospital, he walks us in through a side entrance.  I feel sick to my stomach when I see the sign on the hallway we enter:  _ Battered Women’s Shelter. _

Why is he bringing me here?!  I immediately feel my skin crawl, not because I am disgusted…it is because I am afraid of the ugliness I will see.  I am reminded of Evelyn: her screams, the way she would always cower in fear around him.

My mother is dead, but there have been times that I have envied the peace she must have felt to have her time with Marcus be over.  

As we walk through a door labeled Employee Entrance I can’t help but marvel at all of the connections Marcus has.  He can walk through as though he owns the place. I find myself in a room with a table and chairs.  There is a glass window that looks into a larger room, where a meeting of sorts is taking place.  I quickly realize that the glass must be a mirror to them.  They have no idea we are watching. 

Marcus closes the door behind us and tells me to pay attention, that this is for my own good-- the same things he says about my ongoing beatings. 

The next thirty minutes are horrific.  It is a support group for battered women that were physically abused by their husbands.  One woman sobs the entire time because her young infant recently died at the hands of her husband.  She regrets not trying hard enough to save her daughter.  

In graphic detail, she describes how she wouldn’t admit to stealing money from the grocery fund, because it just wasn’t true.  And then she wraps her arms around herself, and sways back and forth, the way a child does when trying to self-soothe.  She said he smiled at her before he picked their sleeping daughter up and threw her out the open window of their third floor apartment.  For a moment she could not believe what had happened.  It was when she heard the screams of neighbors that were standing outside that she knew.  She ran to jump out the window herself-- she wanted her life to end in that moment.  Her husband grabbed her, telling her she was not going to end this the easy way.  She would have to live with this.

He told her it was all her fault.

Story after story, I hear firsthand what these women have endured.  I feel sick to my stomach.

They were all married to monsters.  Monsters like my father.  Am I a monster too?

When we stand up to leave, I assume my torture is over.  Instead, Marcus brings me to a video viewing room.  There are numerous interview tapes queued to show me.  I sit down again, this time to watch painful and disgusting police interviews of men who have been accused of terrible violence against their wives and/or children.  I sit in silence and listen.  

I would like to say that I watch carefully only because I want to avoid antagonizing Marcus, but that would be a lie.  I listen to these men talk about their childhoods, they talk about the first time they felt the rage inside of them.  Some of the men talk about how remorseful they are afterward, while others insist their actions were necessary to correct issues.  That it is their job to provide guidance to their wives and children.

The common theme is that all of these men-- these  _ monsters-- _ had one thing in common: their own fathers were terribly abusive and cruel.  During the interviews the men admit that their own fathers were harsh and they grew up under terrible conditions.  It was a terrible cycle they could not break out of.  

As Marcus and I walk home, he confides in me that part of his reason for wanting to set up the dinners with the families of prospective wives is that he is concerned I will end up with a bad wife and that will leave me with nothing but pain and sorrow.  He is trying to help me.

I can’t get the image and stories of these women out of my mind.  They were so broken.  It killed me.

Beatrice’s beautiful face pops into my mind.  I want to believe that I would never hurt her.  That I love her too much.  That I am not a monster.

My God, what if I am?!  What if Marcus is right?  I focus on breathing in and out.

His words interrupt my thoughts.  “Evelyn was a waste of space.  She could not manage to be the wife I needed her to be.  She had no one to blame but herself.  And don’t think I didn’t notice how she ruined you.  She coddled you, she made you weak.  And when she died…I had to fix her mess.  I had to fix you!”

For the first time today I meet his gaze, his blue eyes are cold and calculating.

“Tobias, once initiation is over, I will decide who you will marry.  Looks are not important.  You are my son, and I expect you to procreate when the time comes.  No matter what her appearance, you must fulfill your duties.  You need the right type of girl, one that will not bring out the monster that lies within you.” He pauses for effect.

“Don’t for one moment think that there is someone out there who is going to fix you, or save you from yourself.  You are  _ my son.   _ You need to always remember that.  As you go through initiation, you must identify the women that are weak and docile,” he croons. 

_ Not Beatrice.   _

_ She is not weak. _

_ She is not docile.  _

_ She would be in danger with me. _

Instead of thoughts of Beatrice, I then remember my mother, Evelyn.  How horrible things were for her.  He broke her spirit.  He was terribly cruel to her.  I saw it all.  I saw it all and I did nothing.  

_ I could have tried.   _

_ I should have. _

_ She was my own mother, she brought me into this world.  I did nothing. _

_ I am a monster too.  It is inside of me.   _

_ It has to be.  I am my father’s son. _

In that moment, I make my decision.  I am leaving this faction.  I am leaving Marcus and my demons behind.  

I will be alone.  I do ‘alone’ very well.

Beatrice Prior. The girl I will always love. But I will love her enough to put her first. 

I painfully remember those women and their broken faces and spirits. 

There will never be  _ a wife _ for me.  No wife, no girlfriend, no children.  Nothing.  I will not risk it.  

There will never be a baby girl that I throw out of a window just to  _ spite  _ my wife and make her suffer.  What had that woman said…? Oh yes...

_ “My husband had broken me, I welcomed death.  I had been hit, kicked and made to feel that I was garbage.  I no longer feared his wrath.  And he knew it.  So he found a way to hurt me – he took what was beautiful and good in my life, and he destroyed it right in front of me.” _

I walk silently behind Marcus as he lays out his plan to find me a suitable wife.  He leads us all the way back to his home in Abnegation as I go over in my mind what I must do next. 

* * *

**_Beatrice POV_ **

I was at Susan’s home helping with supper preparations when my mother called for me, Marcus and Tobias had returned.  With all of the events of the day, the Blacks were making dinner for our family as well.  Every family that has a child going through their Choosing Ceremony today has been invited by another family for a meal of celebration.  My mother volunteered me to assist as it would be my family having our first meal without their child, Tobias.

Even though it was expected that Abnegation children would choose to stay in our faction, after the ceremony the new adults would not be returning to their parents’ homes.  Their initiation would start immediately.  They would be staying in the dormitories and eating their first dinner with their fellow initiates to bond. 

I had overheard Mother planning the initiates first volunteer opportunity, which would take place the first night.  Since Tobias is expected to be going through initiation, both Natalie and Marcus have taken a step back from the process this year.  

I think about how Mother will feel when Tobias leaves us.  I know she genuinely has grown to love him.  He could never replace Caleb, of course, but I know he loves her too.  I smile remembering when he told me that he looks forward to her being his mother-in-law, rather than his stepmother. 

I am giddy with excitement when mother tells me that she and Marcus must leave immediately to help set up the Choosing Ceremony.  She will be organizing the set up while Marcus will be having an important last minute meeting with the other faction leaders.  

As I watch Marcus try to adjust his collar and run his fingers through his hair, I watch as Mother instantly appears next to him, silently offering her assistance by placing a hand on his shoulder.  He smiles at her warmly and stands tall while she inspects and fixes any little crease or stray fabric from his outfit. She also looks over his hair and she even tries to tame his thick eyebrows. I turn away when I hear the laughter between them. 

I hate what that man did to Tobias, but I am thankful that Tobias is right. Marcus Eaton adores Mother, she is his pride and joy. The perfect Abnegation wife. 

As Tobias said, he'll never hurt her. 

As Mother rushes to stand in front of me and smiles I know she wants me to check her over the way she just did for Marcus. She squeezes my hand in thanks when I finish. 

“Beatrice, make sure Tobias is not late. I already told him myself; it's such an important day, so make sure he doesn't get caught up on anything,” Mother states while gathering the bag with supplies she needs for the day. 

I smile in reassurance.  

Mother leans over to hug me goodbye. “I hear him in the shower now.  He knows he only has forty five minutes before he must be walking out the door. Such a big day for our family! Thank you, Beatrice.”

I nod my head. 

Less than an hour until he has to go.  I was so disappointed this morning when I woke up to find out that Tobias and Marcus had left to run errands.  I had been counting on spending time with him.

I breathe in and out to calm myself.  We are home alone and Tobias is in the shower.  I smile to myself, I love him so much.  Why not send him off with a special memory to cherish?

As I approach the stairs to climb up to the second floor, I begin pulling the pins out of my hair.  Soon my bun is out, and my hair is flowing down past my shoulders. I place the pins in the pocket of my dress. I want to be able to quickly put it up in case someone knocks at our door.  I hear the water is running as I silently turn the knob.  To my delight the bathroom door is unlocked.  I open the door and slip in, I don’t want to startle him so I announce myself.

He pokes his head out from behind the curtain and looks at me.  His expression is unreadable. 

“Beatrice.  I need to hurry, I can’t be late.  Can you please wait for me downstairs?” he says seriously.

It dawns me on me that he may be nervous for his day.  He will be choosing Dauntless in front of all to see, which will reflect poorly on Marcus.  But at that point it won’t matter, Tobias will be safe and away from his father. 

“Of course.  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.  I miss you, please hurry!  So we can spend some time together before you have to leave!” I say brightly.

He nods his head and then closes the curtain.  I can tell he is not in the mood to fool around.

As I wait downstairs I start to get annoyed.  My mother had mentioned that she already told Tobias what his time constraints were.  So why am I still sitting in the living room waiting for him to come down more than twenty minutes later?  I have lived with this man for many months.  I have seen him get showered and ready in less than five minutes flat.  

What is taking him so long?! 

I look at the clock, starting to feel a tight feeling in my chest.  I have not seen him all day, his last day here with me.  And he sent me downstairs to wait for him... and now he is not here.

I am about to storm upstairs when I hear him slowly come down.  As upset as I am, all of my anger sweeps away at seeing him.  He is the man I love, I adore him.  I need to recognize that this is a big day for him.

“You sure know how to keep a girl waiting!” I laugh as I run over to him and move to throw my arms around him.  

When he catches my arms at the wrist and stops me, I remember his recent back injuries.  “I’m sorry, I forgot about your injuries.  Thank you for reminding me.”

Tobias is silent as he stares into my eyes for a brief moment.

“Beatrice, we need to talk.  I don’t have much time.  Let’s sit at the kitchen table.” He turns towards the table without as much as a glance at me.  

My face falls, but I do as he asked.

I sit down nervously, something doesn’t feel right.  And I can’t ignore it any longer.

“I have been giving this-- us-- a lot of thought.  Two years is a really long time…” he starts.  My eyebrows are furrowed as I am trying to follow along.

“I think our time in this house has been really…special.  But that is all it really was, just two teenagers making the most of the freedom that allowed for us to be intimate in ways we shouldn't have.” He pauses.  “What I am trying to say is that I want to end this little romance.”

I look at him, and start laughing.  It is a terrible joke, and cruel…but still, I can’t imagine that this is the truth. 

He loves me.  I know he does.  

He loves me as much as I love him.  Which is completely.

My laugh is not genuine, it is one of desperation.  I hate how I sound, somewhat hysterical.

Tobias just stares at me coldly, no real expression on his face.

“Why are you doing this to me?  To us?” I whisper, biting on my lower lip nervously.  I desperately search his face for some kind of clue.

He lets out a frustrated sigh, “I just got tired of pretending.  Our time has been amazing, it really has.  But it is over for me.  I am starting my new life, in Dauntless.  And I want to be  _ free.” _

“Free?  What does that mean?” I ask.

He coughs and then shrugs sheepishly.  “Well, Dauntless is known for its open and free environment.  I am an eighteen year old young man…I want to be free to experience what my new faction will have to offer me.  I am sure I will get to know some Dauntless women that are experienced…”

“Are you telling me you want to be free to be able to fool around with other women at Dauntless?!” I almost don’t recognize myself as the loud shrill in my voice is so great.  

“I suggest you lower your voice, Beatrice.  I am leaving this faction in minutes.  You, on the other hand, are here for a two more years.  I don’t think you want the neighbors finding out just how  _ special _ of a brother/sister relationship we had.”

I suddenly feel so exposed and stupid with my hair down for this man, all because he has told me that he loves it that way.  Quickly pulling the pins out of my pocket I expertly fix my hair up in a new bun without looking at him. I need to calm down and take that moment to just breathe. 

I stand up from the table and start to walk around towards him.  He jumps us as well and puts his arm up, as to motion to me that he does not want me getting any closer. 

I stop dead in my tracks and look at him. I see him, my handsome love.  I think to his wounds that I was just caring for last night.

I shake my head from side to side.  I don’t know what is happening here.  I love him, I love him so much.  And I know he loves me, I know because more than just saying it, he has shown me time and time again.

“Look, Beatrice, our times exploring our bodies, our lust, our physical pleasures, has been amazing.  But I am done with you now.  I just need to try something new,” he says flippantly. 

Tears sting my eyes at his words.  He was using me?  Well if that is true, I sure delivered.

“I don’t understand why you are doing this to us?  Are you worried about the two years?  Since I can’t join Dauntless for another two years?!” I cry out painfully. “You said you would wait for me. That we would make it work.”

“About that, I think it would be better for both of us if you picked another faction.  I would rather not have to see you at Dauntless,” he says dismissively, as though I was a piece of garbage that needed to be shoved in the correct trash compactor.

Now I am mad as hell.   _ Dauntless _ is where I am going, to hell with him.  I see red.

How  _ dare  _ he tell me that I should give up my dreams.  And because of what?  He doesn’t want to bother with me ever again?

“Then I suggest you stick that knife up your ass at your choosing ceremony today, because I am going to Dauntless!” I yell at him.   _ Ass _ is another word I learned while volunteering in Factionless. 

His mouth falls open at my words.  I don’t care.

“Tobias Eaton, I was a fool to love you.  I was a fool to trust you.  You are a monster…just like your father!  You are cruel, and callous.  And I hate you!” I sob, now shaking with anger.  

“I am sorry if I hurt you, but I’m sure you will get over it soon enough,” he says coldly.  “I already have.”

With that, I lose it.  I step closer and slap him hard across the face.  He scowls at me. 

“I hate you!  You are such a bastard.  Just go!!!”  I am unable to turn away from him.  His eyes are so cold.

“Goodbye Beatrice,” he calls over his shoulder.  “I am sure you will move on quickly.  You were always so  _ receptive _ .”  

“Go to hell, Tobias Eaton!  Oh, and take this worthless piece of shit necklace with you!  Maybe the first slut you screw in dauntless can add it to her collection!” I hiss at him. 

In one swoop I pull the heart charm and necklace over my head and fling it at him so hard that it hits him.

He flinches, but catches it as it bounces off of his face.  He looks at it once and then drops it on the floor.  He doesn’t look back.  He just walks out quietly, closing the door behind him.

I drop to my knees and cry.  I then have a memory, laying with him by the fire doing homework.  We were only friends then.  He was always my friend first.

And now he is nothing to me, and he is gone.  I crawl over to find my necklace on the floor.  I will never wear it again, not ever.  But I will keep it as a reminder – no one can be trusted.

I sit on the ground and cry, my arms wrapped around my knees as I sway back and forth, the way a child does when it is trying to self soothe.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors’ Note: As storytellers, we are excited to share our work and imagination with you, the reader. Part of this story will be centered around our characters, at times, making what some may consider to be poor choices. We ask you to enjoy the ride and remember that if they were perfect characters who always made good choices, there wouldn’t be a story to tell. Well...maybe for a one-shot. ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading and the reviews. Have a happy Monday!


	9. Meeting the Monster

**_Chapter 9: Meeting the Monster_ **

**_Date: The Night of Tobias Choosing Ceremony (Middle of June)_ **

 

**_Beatrice POV_ **

My limbs are like dead weight as I go through the motions of completing the day’s chores.  I knew it would be hard to get it all done alone, without Tobias to help me… but I never guessed that he would leave me so broken, so shattered.  

I have avoided this task for too long.  It should have been the first thing I did, but I couldn’t face it.  I continue to avoid the inevitable, gathering first the laundry from the bathroom, then Mother and Marcus’s room, then mine.  Finally, I reach the closed door to the room Tobias occupied for the past four months.  I place my hand on the doorknob and simply let it rest there, leaning my forehead against the solid wood of the door, slowly breathing in and out.   _After this I don’t have to gather his dirty clothes ever again,_ I remind myself.   _Today should be the last day that I must enter this room._ Tobias and I never stayed here in this room together, it was always in my own bed, but this was still where he slept.  It holds too many memories… first, all the memories of my brother, and now, memories of the boy I was foolish enough to give my heart to.  A boy who was only using me.  I acted like just a silly little girl.  I have endured so much heartbreak these past months, and yet I invited him in, to put me through more.

I weigh too much, more than my small frame can support, so much I should fall right through the floor.

Finally, I take one last deep breath in through my nose and slowly push all the air out through my mouth, until my lungs scream for air, ridding myself as much as possible of the sorrow that is overwhelming me.  I stand straight before I open the door and push my way through.

The room looks as it always has since Tobias has lived here, except for something blue and translucent on the desk.  Sunlight streams through the open curtains of the bedroom window, through the blue glass, casting a sullen glow on the white wall behind it, matching my mood.  I step forward to see the object up close; it is a statue which looks like falling water, smooth and polished.  We shouldn’t have such things in Abnegation, things which do not serve to help anyone, and for a moment, I wonder where he got it.  I thought I knew so much about Tobias, but I knew nothing.

People, I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets.  You believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts.

I never really knew Tobias Eaton.  Not at all.  I never could have imagined I could so grossly misjudge him.  I suppose this statue… wherever he got it, for whatever reason it sits here now… is just another of his secrets.  I always thought he was so well-suited for Abnegation.  I was wrong.

I jump when, for the first time in my life, I hear our front door slam so hard things around me vibrate, making rattling noises.  Heavy footsteps which can only belong to Marcus grow louder as he makes his way up the stairs, grumbling unintelligibly.  I turn away from the statue, hurrying out of the room.  

I’ve stopped a few steps into the hallway, about to turn back-- in my haste, I forgot to pick up the dirty clothes I went into Tobias’s room for-- when Marcus reaches the top of the stairs.  The air around me abruptly feels as though all the warmth has been sucked out of it, replaced with a malevolence that seeps from Marcus’s entire being.  The hair on the back of my neck stands on end and my shoulders tense as I nod at him, my eyes not meeting his, looking anywhere but at his face.

I turn back toward Tobias’s room to retrieve the laundry.  Marcus bellows, “Beatrice!”  I stop mid-step, slowly turning on the balls of my feet.  Marcus glares at me, and despite knowing what this man, this monster, is capable of, the rage contained in his eyes almost makes me take a step back.  “Do not waste my soap on that rotten little bastard’s clothing.  He won’t be coming back for them.  And I forbid you to ever step foot in that room again.”

I raise my eyebrows and allow my lips to part, feigning shock, but simply nod before turning and walking away-- Marcus will not appreciate questions, and I already know where Tobias has gone.  I know that Tobias chose to leave, I know that is what he had planned to do and I am quite sure he followed through; he wants to be _free,_ after all.  He wants to _experience_ all Dauntless has to offer… all those _women_ Dauntless has to offer.  And with how beautiful he is, I don’t doubt that he will have _every_ opportunity to do so.

Marcus disappears into the bedroom he shares with my mother.  When I hear the click of the door latch, I resume my trek downstairs.

Just hours ago, I dreaded how much I would miss Tobias.  Now I dread ever seeing him again.  But I won’t let him change my choices.  He doesn’t deserve to matter that much to me.  He doesn’t deserve for me to even think of him ever again.  With all I have in me, I will my heart to listen.

At the bottom of the stairs, I move to continue my task, but stop short when I see Mother.  Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears, her face pale.  It is when my eyes are drawn to the trembling of her hands that I drop the basket and rush to her.  “Mother?”  My voice does not sound like my own-- tight, strained.

“Beatrice,” she says in a hushed tone.  She reaches for me, taking my hands and pulling me to her.  She glances up the stairs before pulling me into her embrace.  In my ear, loud enough for only me to hear, she says, “Beatrice, tonight you _must_ be quiet, you _must_ behave yourself.  Do you understand me?”

What has happened?!  There is such an urgency in her voice, even in all we went through earlier this year, I have never heard my mother like this, never seen her quite like this.  There is no mistaking what I see in her eyes.  It is fear.

But I simply nod.  “Yes, Mother.  I understand,” I say obediently, even though I don’t… I don’t understand.  I understand her instructions, that part is true, but I do not understand what is happening.

Someone’s knuckles rap at our door and mother actually jumps, startled, as she releases me.  “Please answer the door, Beatrice.”

As my feet carry me to the door, I notice Marcus’ heavy footsteps descending the stairs, stopping halfway down.  And as I reach for the knob, his poisonous stare burns into the back of my head.

The sun is setting outside, and the open door casts a rectangle of orange on the wood floor of the entryway, four figures’ shadows stretching like grotesque giants across the room.  The entire Black family stands at the door holding covered dishes.  I furrow my brow in confusion.

“Mr. and Mrs. Black, Susan, Robert,” I say politely, nodding my head at them.  They nod in return.  “Please forgive my confusion… did I misunderstand?  I thought we were to join you for dinner in your home tonight.”  I can still feel Marcus watching me; it sends an uneasy shiver up my spine.

“No, no, you are not mistaken, Beatrice,” Mr. Black assures me.  “We just thought…” he trails off.

Mrs. Black relieves her husband of the awkward moment.  “Well, under the circumstances… we did not want you all to feel obligated to come for a dinner of celebration after such an event.  We thought you’d prefer to eat-- and mourn your loss-- in peace here, so we brought the meal to you.”

Mother stands out of the door’s line of sight, and from the corner of my eye I see my mother take a step back, looking at the stairway with increasing apprehension.

“How thoughtful,” I thank them.  “You are so kind.  On behalf of my parents and myself, thank you for this gesture.  I will be sure to bring these dishes back to you tomorrow morning-- or would you prefer I return them tonight?”  I stumble over my words, realizing that I should be putting their comfort first.  Selflessness is not natural to me; I am constantly having to coach myself.  

“There is no rush, dear,” Mrs. Black assures me.  The pity in her eyes is plain to see.  “We will send Susan and Robert to fetch them tomorrow.  Please, do not go out of your way for us tonight.”

“We are right next door if any of you need anything,” Susan offers with a small smile.  I nod in thanks before saying goodbye and closing the door.

* * *

 

“Well, I certainly hope that Tobias taught you to cook better than this _slop_ the Blacks pitied us with,” Marcus complains, though the food tastes perfectly fine to me.  Abnegation food is bland, it would be wasteful and selfish to use butter or seasonings; pretty much anywhere I’ve eaten, the food has tasted the same.

“That ungrateful little low life,” Marcus sneers.  “After _all_ I have done for him, _all_ I have put into teaching him not to be selfish.  And he certainly left you in a mess, Beatrice.”  My heart pounds faster.  Every word about Tobias sends a stab of pain to my heart-- can he see it on my face?!  Does he somehow know?  Could Tobias have betrayed me even further by telling his father about us?  “He was to continue helping you with the chores, but it looks as though he abandoned you.  I hope you’re ready to step up.”

I release the breath I was holding; Marcus doesn’t know about the inappropriate relationship his son and I fell into.  I always thought it was mutual, the feelings I had for him, that our love was pure.  Clearly I should not trust my own instincts.  I must be very easily blinded.

“Dauntless,” Marcus scoffs.  “Tobias is _weak_.  Weak-willed and cowardly.  He will never survive in Dauntless.”  I listen silently, staring down at my plate.  When I glance at Mother, she is taking the same response.

I never imagined how perfectly the term “heartbreak” could describe the pain of lost love.  But that is exactly how it feels.  The pain stabs deep in my chest, my heart is in pieces.  Like a broken glass.  Maybe one day I will find how all the pieces fit back together, and maybe the glue will hold, but if you look closely, you will always be able to see the cracks.  It will never be as it once was.  I will carry the scars of his betrayal forever, I know it.

And each insult Marcus throws at him causes an argument in my head-- between a part of me that wants to scream at him for saying these lies about the man I love… and another part of me that tells me that Marcus knows his son, and I don’t.  I never did.  And I cannot love him.  I cannot allow myself to love Tobias Eaton any longer.  Yet, each affront that flies from Marcus’s lips seems to add another crack, leaving another piece that I will have to puzzle back into place.

* * *

 

On my way into my bedroom after cleaning up the dinner table and washing the dishes, I see Marcus through the open door to Tobias’s room.  He holds the blue glass sculpture in his hands.  His hands clench the object so hard I am surprised that it does not shatter beneath his fingers.  His face is red with rage, and his eyes are wild and cruel-- black, soulless pits.  

Marcus rants, my mother sitting on the bed, statue still-- I’m not even sure that she is breathing.  “Evelyn,” I hear him seethe.  “That worthless whore!  She made him weak, she planted the seeds of this selfishness.  I didn’t even know what was happening in my own home!”  I can’t believe he’s speaking this way about his dead wife!  “She poisoned him, this was _hers_!”  

He is still going on about the statue, but my mother catches my eyes and they quickly flick toward my bedroom door.  I nod once and quickly change course, going into the bathroom to brush my teeth.  On my way back to my bedroom, I hear Marcus still raving like a lunatic.  “I will not be made a fool of again!  I _will_ be aware of _everything_ that goes on in this house!”  A shiver runs down my spine as I close myself into my room, just as my mother indicated I should.

For the first time I doubt Tobias’s words.  Then I shake my head to rid myself of the thought, though I don’t have reason to trust him.  But even if his love for me was all a lie, he cared for Mother, didn’t he?  He did, he did… am I lying to myself?  I don’t know.

_He won’t hurt her,_ I remind myself.   _Mother is the perfect Abnegation wife.  He won’t hurt her.  He won’t.  This is the one thing Tobias can be trusted on, it has to be.  It has to be._

* * *

 

_Thwack!_

The sound jolts me awake.  When did I fall asleep?  I rub sleep from my eyes.  They sting, too dry, and my head pounds; I must have fallen asleep crying sometime after the tears ran dry.  

_Smack!_

There it is again, this time followed by a whimper.   _No.  No!_

I scramble to my feet and run to the door, so frantic that I bang my elbow on the doorframe, still at a run as I turn the handle.

My nose hits the wooden door so hard that I check for blood, surprised when my hand comes away from my nostrils dry and creamy white.

Someone has locked me into my room.

_Thwack!  Crack!_  Over and over, the sounds intertwining with painful moans, whimpers, the cries coming louder and louder, the even more sickening sounds of skin colliding with skin, in a way it never should.

I had thought my tears had run dry, but they spring back into my eyes, as if an underground spring had changed course to refill the well.  My hand flies to my mouth, stifling a sob, as my back leans against the door and I slowly slide down it, collapsing to the floor.

_Tobias said that Marcus adored Mother too much to ever do this.  He said she would be safe!_ Why did I still believe him, even after he finally revealed his true intentions?  I thought he cared about Mother, if not me… I was wrong.  I was so wrong.  

The evening replays in my mind.  The rage in Marcus’s eyes, the way he ranted at Mother about the sculpture Tobias left on his desk.  

_“That worthless whore!  She made him weak, she planted the seeds of this selfishness.  I didn’t even know what was happening in my own home!  She poisoned him, this was_ hers _!”_  

The sculpture Evelyn had given him.  Tobias’s final act of rebellion.

This is _all his fault!_

He left the sculpture there for Marcus to see… to _antagonize_ him… to goad him, while _Tobias_ would be safely out of his reach!  But what about us?!  What about me?   _What about my mother?_

My heartbreak and sorrow is replaced by a fire in my chest, in my stomach… This anger that is coursing through my veins, taking over all of me, is this what Marcus feels?

But I will not be like Marcus.  I will not use this anger to hurt people.

But now I know better.  No one can be trusted.  You can never really tell what secrets lie beneath, you can never truly see another’s true intentions.  Trust is foolish… love is foolish.  I came to this conclusion this morning, but now… now I really know.

Will the pieces of my heart ever be put back together again?


	10. Isolation

**_Chapter 10: Isolation_ **

**_Date: Beatrice's Choosing Day is 1 year 3 months away (March)_ **

**_Beatrice POV_ **

While we were growing up, Caleb always loved school. He loved to learn; everything fascinated him. When it was our turn to speak by the fire after dinner, I usually kept pretty quiet, but Caleb would chatter on and on about all the things he had learned that day. I always thought he was born for Abnegation, but now, looking back over a year after losing my twin brother, I see these little glimpses of Erudite in him. I suppose now, I will never know. And, as always, I was too caught up in myself to notice that about my brother-- I really was never made for Abnegation.

None of that ever occurred to me, until Mother began to tell me more about herself and about Father-- not Marcus, but my _real_ father, the one who actually deserved such an important title, the best man I have ever known. Father, it turns out, was Erudite-born... and Mother was Dauntless-born.

It had never before occurred to me that either of them could have ever been anything but Abnegation, but now I notice things. I remember how opinionated Father was, how he fought to keep the calm Abnegation demeanor. I see a strength in Mother that goes beyond what you see in most Abnegation women, even see the way she holds herself, that it is Dauntless.

I stand at the window, letting the sun's rays warm me. A picture of my parents floats into my head the moment I close my eyes. Once, when I was about eleven, I stopped at the doorway to my parents' bedroom to watch them make the bed together. My father smiled at my mother as they pulled the sheets back and smoothed them down in perfect synchronicity. I knew by the way he looked at her that he held her in a higher regard than he even held himself.

No selfishness or insecurity kept him from seeing the full extent of her goodness, as it so often does with the rest of us.

My father: Erudite-born, Abnegation-grown. He often found it difficult to live up to the demands of his chosen faction, just as I do. But he tried, and he knew true selflessness when he saw it.

Knowing what I do now, it is no wonder Caleb had that thirst for knowledge. I never noticed it back then-- I have always been too selfish, never able to forget myself enough to truly and fully take in the people around me. I have never quite fit the Abnegation mold. I see some of it in myself as well--I have always been quite curious, never simply accepting what people tell me without wishing to push for more explanation. But not quite in the way Caleb thirsted to learn, not with his need to understand the intricate workings of every subject he came across. He could have found a book about the life cycle of trees, for instance, and been inspired to learn everything there was to know about it. I have never loved to learn simply for the sake of learning, never loved going to school as he did.

But now... oh, how I miss it.

When classes started back up after the summer holiday, Marcus forbade me from returning to school, ordering Mother to homeschool me. I do love having so much time with Mother. I just miss having time out of this house, seeing Susan and Robert each day. It's also so painful to look at my mother, stiff with pain, trying to go about life each day. School was just... it was the one part of a normal life that I had left-- even with Caleb, and now Tobias, missing, it would have felt more comforting than having every second of every day controlled by Marcus.

In some ways, things have remained the same, though, as they were nine months ago, when Tobias left. Instead of Tobias splitting the chores with me, it's Mother taking a chunk, when Marcus doesn't keep her too busy otherwise. Instead of cleaning the cuts Marcus has inflicted on Tobias, I am cleaning what he has inflicted on Mother. Before this, I did not ever see my mother so exposed, but now, there is not much alternative. I hate that even that privacy has been destroyed for her.

I stare out the window at Susan and Robert as they pass our home on their way to school. I long to go with them, wishing for their company.

"Beatrice," my mother's voice sings out, interrupting my thoughts. Marcus left for work a few minutes ago. I turn to her and smile, and she smiles back, though there is pain in her eyes. When she pulls her sleeve back slightly to lightly scratch where she must have an itch on her wrist, I see the deep purple bruises left recently by Marcus's fingers, and behind my eyes I feel the familiar pressure of building tears. I dressed her wounds again late last night; he is as cruel to her as he was to Tobias, and I am worried for her. For Mother, there is no upcoming Choosing Ceremony, there is no escape.

Upon learning Mother was raised Dauntless, I begged her to take on Marcus, or to at least report him. Mother insisted that several of Abnegation's highest ranking council members would do anything to protect Marcus's reputation-- for the good of the faction and the city-- so turning to the council for help is not an option. I have even begged Mother to run away to the factionless together many times, but she refuses. It's not long until my Choosing Ceremony, and she refuses to take that choice away from me. She explained to me that if we were to flee Abnegation now, I would not be eligible for pick a new faction. My mother is intelligent and fierce, I trust she has thought through all scenarios. For now, at least, we are trapped.

"Beatrice," my mother says again, gently. "We have work to do, dear child, and then we need to distribute more food to the factionless. Now, would you like to sweep the fireplace, or dust the furniture?"

The fireplace always used to be Tobias's job. I still think of him, much too often, despite the deep anger I feel every time I do. Over and over throughout every day, the same words ring out in my mind, like a mantra. _This is all his fault!_ Of course I primarily blame Marcus, but I will never forget or forgive Tobias Eaton either.

"You rest, Mother," I offer softly. "I will take care of the chores." Marcus has never laid a hand on me, and it is the harder job, physically. The time on hands and knees will not help her to heal, though I know Marcus will never really give the opportunity for her injuries to subside completely before he inflicts more pain upon her. The dusting I know I can do quickly; I can take care of both so that she can rest.

Mother smiles gratefully, brushing a feather-light kiss against my forehead as she passes me on her way to sit down on the couch.

When I glance back at her, I see her biting her lip, her eyebrows furrowed. "Mother, do you need anything? Let me help," I urge her.

Her eyes shift to the stairs, then back to me. "I need to take my pill and I would rather not walk back up the stairs if I can avoid it," she explains. I nod, urging her to instruct me. I know she is in pain from Marcus's cruelty last night. "On the top shelf in the medicine cabinet, there is a shell-shaped plastic pill container. It is light pink. Can you bring it to me please, Beatrice?"

"Of course, Mother," I say with a smile before I hurry up the stairs. As my eyes scan the shelf, I frown remembering that I have seen this before. She takes one of these every day, and has for as long as I can remember. Why would she need a medication every single day? I wonder as I make my way back down the stairs.

After going to the kitchen to fill with glass with water, I hand her the pill box and the drinking glass. She presses the thin plastic over one of the pills and it pushes through the other side. As I watch her wash the little pink pill down, I blurt out, "Mother, why must you take a pill every day? You have taken those for years. Are you sick?" The idea that my mother could be sick enough to need a special medicine every single day... what if she is really sick? What if she is dying? I can't lose her, too... not after I've lost everything else, every other person who I have ever loved.

Mother smiles and takes my hand, setting the glass down on the side table. "No, Beatrice, nothing is wrong." She pauses, thinking, as if she is trying to decide how to explain. "One day, when you are married, you and your _husband_ will think about these pills, Beatrice. I don't want to talk about this subject yet-- you are too young." I don't really understand, but I am relieved that she is not unwell.

"Alright, Momma," I say, forcing a smile-- the idea of losing my mother still has me shaken. I hurry upstairs to put the pills away so I can compose myself before she sees the worry that is surely evident on my face.

**++o++**

"Natalie, Beatrice!" Ruby smiles warmly, reaching to embrace me before remembering that Mother and I are still Abnegation, dropping her hands, and nodding with a warm smile.

"I'm so glad to see you today, Ruby. You look well," Mother says to her kindly. "Where is Daniel this morning?"

"He was assigned a job driving the trains!" Ruby says excitedly. Operating the trains that the Dauntless ride through the city is one of the better jobs the factionless can secure, and Ruby grins proudly. "So, please, give the food to someone else; we are receiving supplies as compensation already."

Ruby and Daniel are some of the many factionless Mother and I have become more friendly with over the past months. I truly enjoy the time I spend helping them along Mother's side. We have grown closer to these people than we should, but that is one of the rare benefits of the schedule of tasks Marcus has put upon us; he wants Mother home with him or at work with him in the evenings, so it is in the mornings and early afternoon that she is free from him, to complete her volunteer work and to be sure I am kept up on my studies. Marcus prefers that we keep our volunteering to the earlier parts of the mornings, when there typically are not other Abnegation helping alongside us. I get the feeling that he does not want us interacting much with the Abnegation members.

It was last week that we ran into Tessa Clark, Councilman Jonah Clark's wife, as we were rushing home from our morning volunteer work. It was such an awkward conversation as Mrs. Clark seemed so concerned to see Mother out and about. She told us that Marcus had informed the council that Natalie has been chronically ill and thus has been unable to serve at numerous events. I was fortunate, being a child, to already be expected to avert my eyes and not participate in the conversation. It was my mother that needed to remain emotionless as she learned about her husband's latest lies to cover up his dirty secret. Mrs. Clark gently gave my mother a hug, as to not hurt her. Her last words to my mother were that all the women really missed seeing her. Mother was very sad for the rest of the day. There was nothing I could say, so I said nothing.

"I am so happy for you both, Ruby," I say to her with a genuine smile.

Mother continues talking with Ruby for a moment as I move on with my box of canned goods.

As I hand out the canned goods, I talk with the various factionless people I have become familiar with. I have noticed that the dynamic is much different between Mother and I, and the factionless, compared to how it used to be. While the Abnegation are always kind and unassuming, most often we do pity the factionless, even if we don't mean to. Since Mother and I have been coming on our own, however, these outcasts have become real people-- they always were, but there's just a difference in the way I see them, and we have come to know them as individuals.

At first, I would feel my face turn bright red anytime I would see the ladies who taught me about... lotion... not just because of the 'lesson' they provided me, but because of the anger and embarrassment that would bubble up inside me thinking of how I did those things for Tobias, only to find out that he was just using me. Michelle had told me to only do that for someone I loved and trusted, and Carly had been even more specific, suggesting that I wait for marriage to try out what I had learned. If only I had listened to her. But I can't take it back now.

"What faction did you come from, Carly?" I ask as I hand her the last of the food from my box. We have been talking for a few minutes this morning; despite my initial embarrassment at seeing her again the first few months following Tobias's Choosing Ceremony, she has become one of the ladies I am closer with. It became much easier to spend time with those three ladies once I realized they would never tell Mother about the little _lesson_ they provided me.

"Erudite," she answers, scrunching her nose. "I wasn't smart enough. I could have stayed and cleaned labs for the rest of my life, but by then I had realized I had made a mistake in choosing to stay in my faction of birth, anyway. I really never fit in there. Don't settle, Beatrice. Don't let others pressure you. Don't stay put for your family, or a boy, or anything else, only stay if it's because it is where you belong. It's _your_ life. _You_ are the one who must live it."

I bite my lip. "What makes you think I don't want to stay in Abnegation, that I don't fit there?"

Carly laughs. "I may not have been smart enough for Erudite, Beatrice, but that doesn't mean I'm completely stupid." Heat rushes to my face. Is it that obvious that I am a misfit in my faction of birth? Then Carly leans in and whispers to me, " _Stiffs_ don't ask for lessons on how to give a hand job." She pulls away, doubling over with laughter seeing the deep blush on my face.

"Beatrice," Mother's voice beckons. She is standing several yards behind me. "It's time to go home and study, dear. Nice to see you, Carly," she adds as I give Carly a small wave and return to Mother's side.

We walk in silence for some time. Here and there, I open my mouth to speak, but the deep-in-thought look on Mother's face stops me each time; it feels as though I would be interrupting a private moment. And after several minutes, as we begin to near the place where the factionless sector ends and the Abnegation sector begins, Mother finally speaks.

"I heard what Carly said to you," Mother begins, and for a moment my mouth goes dry and my heart begins to pound-- she didn't hear it _all,_ did she?! No, she couldn't have. She was much too far away. Carly whispered that last bit so quietly that _I_ barely heard her, and her lips were inches from my ear. "...about choosing your faction for _you._ She was right, you know," she remarks. "You can't stay in Abnegation just for me, Beatrice."

For the past nine months, I have wrestled with this topic on a daily basis. I was bound and determined at the moment that Tobias left me, that I _would_ join Dauntless, and his request that I choose a different faction had only fueled that determination. But that night, the world spun off its axis once again, and everything changed. I desperately want to join the warriors in black when I choose in a little over a year, but how can I? How can I _possibly_ leave my mother now? It was hard enough to fathom after we lost Father and Caleb, but once Marcus turned on her...

"Beatrice," she reasons. She stops and turns to me, cupping my cheek with her hand, smiling at me sadly. "I know you are afraid... you are such a brave girl, but I know you are afraid for _me._ " Tears well in my eyes; rarely do we verbally acknowledge just how horrific our situation has become. "Beatrice, you know why I cannot fight back against him, don't you?"

A single tear escapes as I nod, biting my lip hard to keep the rest of the evidence of my heartbreak in as Mother wipes away the tear with her thumb.

Marcus knows Mother's weakness. _Me._ I am overcome with guilt every time I hear him threaten to beat me if she stands up against him. Mother was Dauntless, she knows how to defend herself. But she doesn't try. She sacrifices herself for me, every single time. And I can do nothing to stop him; she sees his moods coming, and I always find myself locked in my room when I begin to hear the sickening sounds of his belt striking her back.

"Beatrice, it isn't your fault, dear. I would never ask you to leave just for this reason, but I know that your heart is not here. You belong in Dauntless, don't you?" My eyebrow arch with surprise. I should not be so shocked. My mother is perceptive; of course she knows. And she, herself, was once Dauntless; I am my mother's daughter, though she didn't seem to pass on as much of her selflessness to me as she had passed on to Caleb. I nod slowly, once again fighting tears. I study her face. It has only been a year since Father and Caleb were taken from us in that bus accident, but her beautiful face has aged so much more than that-- looking at her, it feels as though it has been a decade.

"How can I leave you, Mother?" My voice betrays me-- its waver, the tightness of my throat, is unmistakable-- then falls to a whisper. "I can't leave you alone with him."

"You can," she insists, "and you will. When you are away, safely in Dauntless, there will be nothing left for him to hold over me. So this is what we are going to do, Beatrice." And then, she tells me her plans.

**++o++**

**^^Two months have passed^^**

I turn the kitchen knife over in my hand, daydreaming as I supposedly wash the dishes. I wish I had a real throwing knife; Mother has had to train me with sticks and a cup, we have no access to the kind of knives I will be using during Dauntless initiation.

For nearly two months now, ever since that day Mother and I spoke in the factionless sector about me transferring to Dauntless, Mother and I have been training. She still remembers a lot from her time in Dauntless, and had she not fallen in love with my father, she would have stayed there. Mother joins my practice anytime she can-- anytime she is not too sore and injured from Marcus's beatings. I wish she could join in more often. But when I am safely away in Dauntless, he will have nothing to hold over her, and she will free herself from him.

The "knife" throwing is a small part of our training, something we use more as a fun reward when we have finished chores and schoolwork very early and thus have extra time. Mostly, we focus on hand-to-hand combat. Of course, we don't actually beat one another up... Marcus takes care of enough of that already, for Mother, at least. He has never touched me. But I am learning and practicing different punches and kicks, and we made a makeshift punching bag out of a canvas laundry bag stuffed with dirt and sand and old clothes too ragged to even give to the factionless. I am sure it doesn't compare to what they will have in Dauntless initiation, but for now it will do.

I can tell Mother really enjoys our training sessions, and I can see that she must really have been meant for Dauntless. She loves the physical activity, the different sort of focus it takes... she loves everything about it, and it shows. The decade she seemed to have aged in the past year has quickly seemed to melt away, and she looks again almost like the mother I remember seeing at the dinner table each night when my family was whole. Not quite, but almost. Even if I did not plan to transfer to Dauntless, these exercises would be well worth it to see Mother so much happier.

I am pulled from my thoughts by a stab of pain in my finger. I suck air in between my teeth, hissing at the sudden sting, and I look down to see that in my carelessness, I sliced my finger with the knife. _Stupid, Beatrice!_ I scold myself silently. _You shouldn't daydream with a knife in your hand!_

I set the knife next to the sink and run my hand under the cold water for a moment before tightening my hand into a fist to apply pressure to the minor cut, then walk upstairs to the bathroom as quietly as I can. Mother is out delivering food to a sick Abnegation member and Marcus is here somewhere, doing who knows what.

I silently approach the bathroom, surprised to see the light on and the door halfway closed. I contemplate turning around and going back downstairs, but I need a bandage or else I will drip blood somewhere. I'm quite sure Marcus will be angry-- and likely take it out on Mother-- if I stain the rug or furniture with my blood. So, hesitantly, I knock at the door.

The door opens a few more inches with even the light force of my fist and I see Marcus standing at the counter with Mother's pink, shell-shaped pill box in one hand, a knife in the other. I feel my forehead wrinkle in confusion. What is he doing with Mother's pills?

 _One day, when you are married, you and your husband will think about the pills, Beatrice,_ I remember her saying. Whatever these pills are, it's something that he was a part of the decision on-- surely whatever he is doing is necessary. The last thing I want to do is question him for no good reason.

"Well?" he asks gruffly, irritation flashing in his eyes.

"Please forgive the intrusion, Father," I say meekly, the title of _father_ I am forced to call him tasting as bitter in my mouth as it did the first time I said it to him. "May I please get a bandage out from the cabinet? I cut my finger."

Marcus gives an exasperated sigh and puts the shell-shaped plastic box back in the medicine cabinet before stepping back. He taps his foot impatiently as I crouch down and dig the first aid kit out from under the sink. Once I have found what I am looking for, I smile at him weakly and back out of the room.

Mother comes in just as I reach the bottom of the stairs, the bandage in my hand waiting to be applied. "Oh dear, Beatrice, did you hurt yourself?"

"Yes," I laugh, still slightly nervous from even that short encounter with her husband upstairs. "Just my usual clumsy carelessness."

Mother smiles and shakes her head. "I have always told you to be careful where you put your feet, Beatrice," she reminds me as she leads me to the dining room table and takes the bandage from me to apply it. "Do I need to begin reminding you to be careful where you put your hands, as well?"

I laugh at her gentle teasing. "I think the cut I just got should do that, no verbal reminders needed."

Just then, we hear Marcus's heavy footsteps begin to descend the stairs and we both wipe the smiles from our faces and straighten up.

"Be more careful next time please, Beatrice," she reminds me more firmly, and I know it is for Marcus's benefit. "Now please finish up the chores and get to bed at a decent hour. Your father and I have business to attend to tonight." I don't miss the silent reminder in her eyes that I must not upset him in any way, that I should stay as silent as possible. We both know what will happen if something makes him angry.

"Thank you," I say. "For bandaging my hand."

"You are welcome, dear child," she murmurs before she gets up and stiffly walks to her husband. I notice how Marcus's gaze concentrates on Mother, he looks bewildered. As though he is trying to solve a puzzle.

"My dear wife, I've noticed how your mood and stature has improved in recent weeks. It's so lovely to see you flourish, my dear," Marcus says while watching Mother closely. "What's your secret, my love?"

With a frozen smile on her face Mother shrugs her shoulders as though she has no idea what he speaks of, thanking him for the kind compliment.

I watch as he guides her out the door with a firm hand on her elbow. Seeing that monster guide Mother as though he is a caring husband makes me ill. I trust Mother, I will follow her plan that we tolerate Marcus for now. Once my Choosing Day arrives and I leave for Dauntless, my mother will free herself from under his thumb. I just hope things don't get worse before then.

**++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	11. Asking Tobias for Help

_**Chapter 11: Asking Tobias for Help** _

**Date: Beatrice's Choosing Day is 11 months away (Middle of July)**

_**Beatrice POV** _

I wake up early, the early dawn sun streaming in through the window of my bedroom. I have been nervous about today since the moment I made my decision.

Visiting day is finally here and I am going to Dauntless to see Tobias today.

I close my eyes and try to calm my racing heart. There are moments when I despise him, and then there are times that my heart still aches for the boy I loved. I did love him, completely.

All of our talks about marriage, our future, they meant everything to me. I think back to his words, his tone, and the way his eyes shone brightly…I genuinely believed he meant every word he said. Did he at any point feel that way? Or was that all a lie from the beginning? Could I have been so naïve? Or maybe I was just a foolish girl that was projecting what I wanted to see?

It has been over a year since Tobias was last in this house. Over a year since he tossed me aside, minutes before he walked out the front door to start his new life.

While leaving me and my mother here in this house, with Marcus Eaton. I cringe while laying my bed, I have learned to clench my fists as tight as I can and then to release them. This helps me to control the rage that I feel. I hate Marcus and what has become of Mother and me.

Especially now.

We had a good life. Now that I know what this hell is, and now that I have really gotten to know some wonderful people in Factionless – I realize that Mother and I would have been better off alone in Factionless, than to be in this prison with Marcus as he torments us. Marcus and Tobias hid the abuse so well.

I think back to when Mother realized that Tobias had been the target of Marcus's rage right under her nose. She couldn't believe that she had missed the signs. She spoke to me about it, she was concerned if I had been hiding my own abuse from her. I assured her that Marcus never even looked in my direction, only to bark orders at me in regards to chores.

I made the split decision to keep quiet about knowing about Marcus and Tobias. I was afraid that Mother would one day see on my face how much I loved the boy who left us. The boy who left me. I believe Mother would be even more upset if she knew what was happening between Tobias and I right under her nose. My Mother loves him, but she would not have been pleased that I gave away so much of myself to someone who felt nothing for me. Under her roof, and just down the hall while she slept, nonetheless. No, the secret shame that I feel is something I will never burden her with.

Besides, it is over. There really is no reason to think about it anymore. I slip my hand to the space between the mattress and the wall to feel the small clutch I have hidden there.

It holds two things that are very precious to me.

The first is a reminder for hope. I keep hidden the only photograph I have of my real family: Father, Mother, Caleb and I. I smile thinking of that day, we were in the middle of handing out water bottles during the hot summer to Factionless when an Erudite reporter was documenting the project. At that moment I was being overly ambitious and dropped the dozen water bottles I had been carrying, my goal was to carry as many as possible so I wouldn't have to make so many trips. I was trying to be efficient, OK…in reality I wanted to hurry up and be done. My family ran over to help gather the bottles that were rolling away.

As we all helped put the bottles into the basket Mother was holding the photographer snapped some candid shots, and then he yelled – "Look here Abnegation family!" and we all looked and he took the most wonderful photo. My face was partly cut out of the photo but I don't care. It is the only image I have of them. That photograph made it into the small Abnegation newsletter that month. Sadly, Father was reprimanded for such a 'display of emotion' during a serious activity such as helping the Factionless. I found that that newsletter days after Father and Caleb died, I quickly cut out the photo and hid it the small clutch I had found on streets of Factionless as a child.

The second precious item I keep hidden but close, the heart necklace Tobias gave me. This item being equally important, the necklace serves as a reminder to me that no one can really be trusted. I have not looked at since the day he left and I stuffed it in my clutch, I am always careful not to touch it when I sneak a look at my beloved photograph.

Two items that contradict each other, hope and distrust. But I often feel that way about life now.

As I pull myself out of bed and get ready for the day I realize that I will need to lie to Mother this morning. Although out of necessity I still feel guilty. I know she would forbid me from going to Dauntless to approach Tobias about helping us. I have to put my hate for him aside, if there is any chance that he can help, I have to try.

As I place my hair in a tight bun, I close my eyes and wonder what Tobias will think about having a new baby brother or sister soon.

Mother is two months pregnant, and Marcus is thrilled that she is having their child.

Unfortunately he is not thrilled enough to refrain from beating his pregnant wife. I close my eyes to steady myself, I do not know how much I can endure. And even worse, I don't know how much more Mother can take.

Mother is handling the chores of the house alone today and I have volunteered to do the most mundane job that involves sitting at the supply center and organizing and sorting donations. It is often a job that no one volunteers for and is usually assigned through a rotation. When I offered to do the job today for both Mother and I Marcus actually looked pleased with me. He took great pride assigning the task to me, explaining my goals for the day and warning me not to slack off. It would reflect well on him that his daughter has volunteered for the whole day.

What Marcus and Mother don't know, I have pulled Ruby, Michelle and Carly into my plan. These women are kind and strong and loyal. Not that long ago I overheard them speaking about Mother, they were very sad that it was so obvious that she had a horrible husband who hurts her. I was shocked that they had figured it out, and then I realized that the reason Marcus keeps her away from the proud Abnegation people is that they would probably realize it too. The women had been discussing how unfair life can be, and that in those who seem to have the best of it can have problems behind closed doors.

When I formulated my plan I told the three women I needed help and they were happy to give it. They would be meeting me at the supply center and completing my tasks for the day, which will allow me to use the day to find Tobias at Dauntless.

Everything has fallen into place. I know what I need to do.

I will swallow my pride and my hurt, we need Tobias to help us.

* * *

I have been walking around the designated Visiting Day areas in Dauntless for over an hour now. It is strange being here as this has been my dream since I was a child. Although I am frantically looking for any sign of Tobias, I have greatly enjoyed people watching. I see many Dauntless roaming around their usual day, laughter and teasing. I also see young adults wearing Dauntless black and engaged in conversations with visiting family of other colors. I noted with relief that this year's initiation class did not have one defector from Abnegation that went to Dauntless. I would be in big trouble if word got back to Marcus that I came to see Tobias today.

From what I know, Tobias is the first Abnegation born to ever choose Dauntless. Too bad I won't be the second. Now that my mother is pregnant, I would never dream of leaving her and my baby sibling with Marcus. I will not even broach the subject with Mother, she is still adamant I must leave. I don't want to stress her out even more than she is, so I just nod in agreement.

I smile thinking about the recent Dauntless trainings Mother and I have done since knowing she was pregnant. Although I know I will not be leaving them at my Choosing Day, I still desperately cling to our time together for so many reasons. The most important to me is how much joy Dauntless training brings Mother. Even during her lowest moments, she perks up and smiles when teaching me how to throw knives, block a punch or break a wrist hold.

I also know that once I am able to really defend myself and fight, Marcus will no longer be able to use me as a threat against Mother.

And lastly, I love every minute of it. It makes me feel alive and free. I want to feel strong. I want to feel brave. I want to feel _capable._

I think about that baby, it was such a shock when Mother realized she was expecting. Especially since she told me that she had been meticulous in taking precautions to avoid pregnancy, I didn't ask for specifics knowing she wouldn't tell me. Even though a shock I saw right away…Mother was happy. She cried and smiled and told me that no matter what, her baby would be a blessing to us both. And we must love and protect it any cost.

Mother is right, I will do anything to protect them. And that is why I am here, ready to grovel and beg for Tobias's help. I know what I will ask of him will be hard, but I can't think of another way.

If he would come forward and speak the truth about what Marcus has done to him, what Marcus did to Evelyn…maybe then Mother would have a chance to escape.

I have to find him.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were just here to look around and enjoy the view," a young man's voice whispers in my ear.

I gasp and whirl around. Standing in front of me is a handsome young man, tall and with the warmest smile I have ever seen. His smile looks white against his bronze skin.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist! Hi, I am Uriah. Who are you?" he asks confidently while holding up his hands in a playful apology.

"Um, hi, my name is Beatrice." I mumble, still a little unnerved as how close he was just standing by me.

"My mom always makes me help out at these events, but I just finished my shift. I noticed you earlier walking around, is there someone specific you are looking for? Maybe I can help?" he smiles confidently before continuing, "I was born here, I pretty much know everybody!"

For the first time I smile gratefully at him, his friendliness is contagious.

"I am looking for a family friend, my mother asked me to find him. I need to speak to him. His name is Tobias," I lie. I didn't want to have to explain the whole brother, but not really my brother story to a stranger.

"Tobias huh? I don't know anyone named Tobias. I will be going through initiation next year, staying here of course, but I have met most of the initiates already. There is no Tobias," Uriah says confidently as we are walking around.

"Oh wait, Tobias would have been in last year's initiation class! Not this years," I stammer hoping that this will help Uriah to remember him.

"Huh, well my brother, Zeke, was in last year's class, and I can't remember him ever mentioning someone named Tobias." When Uriah sees my devastated look and stops in his tracks. "Beatrice, are you ok? You seem really upset…"

I quickly push away my worry. I was counting on finding Tobias today, but he doesn't seem to be here. I know I should give up and go back to relieve the girls. Especially since they are doing my chores, but something about Uriah and just being here is calling me. I can't leave just yet.

"So, I assume you grow up learning all the things that Dauntless need to do in initiation…like shooting for example?" I ask Uriah.

He smiles at me, he seems to study me for a moment and then he chuckles. "Are you really looking for someone named 'Tobias', or did you come here to scope out Dauntless for when your initiation year comes? You seem a little too curious for an Abnegation girl."

"Is that your way of deflecting the simple question I asked you, Uriah?" I tease right back. Since I am here…I want to make the most of this trip. I am praying Uriah will be willing to help me get some real Dauntless training in. The thrill of being in this compound, I ache to test what I have learned so far and maybe pick up some new skills. I know this boy will be able to push me and teach me as well.

This time he lets out a belly laugh, deep and free. He seems so carefree and happy. He fits in well here.

"Ok, ok! Well we are not supposed to be working on skills until we go through initiation…but since I have an older brother, I have been able to. I just really enjoy it! I am not doing it because I am worried about getting in. I know I am meant for Dauntless." He smiles happily and confidently, "I just don't want to wait to work on my skills. Why do you ask?"

I smile at him and admit I am really interested in Dauntless and I would love to see how training really works here. Although practically a stranger, this is the first person other than Mother and Tobias I have ever admitted this to. I do feel a connection with him, he is very easy to talk to. We also discuss that we will be in the same Choosing year.

He seems really excited and impressed. He invites me to spend the rest of the day with him, he will show me around and then he playfully steps close to me, closer than I am used to. But I force myself to stand my ground. He slowly leans in closer to me and for the second time today he whispers in my ear that he would like to do something with me that will change my life.

I stiffen slightly, I hope he is kidding. Because he seems like such a nice guy, but then I remember how wrong I was about Tobias.

Uriah bursts out laughing, I feel my cheeks flush. "When I say change your life, I mean in a non-physical way. Come on, before our tour I want to get us a piece of Dauntless cake to share. You are going to love it!"

I laugh as I follow him through the halls. He smiles and says hello to almost everyone we pass. Everyone seems to know him as well.

So why doesn't he know Tobias?

* * *

"Ok, we need to be really quiet. And no matter what, if we get caught you say nothing, I will do all the talking." Uriah whispers over his shoulder as I follow him through the dark halls.

When we finally enter the room that looks like a training center, he sighs with relief and shuts the door behind us.

"This is one of the training rooms that Dauntless members use, this one happens to be a secret one that many people don't know about. My brother and his friends set it up so they could have somewhere to train and unwind on the down low." He explains while walking directly to the gun rack as he begins eying me and then he seems to be deciding which gun to have me use.

"Are you worried about your brother getting mad we are here?" I ask, now nervous. I don't want to get Uriah in trouble because I am desperate for some shooting training. Of all of the exercises mother and I are working on, shooting a gun is something that is impossible for us.

Uriah laughs, "No, my brother is a softie, he would totally get over it. But his best friend Four would not be amused that I not only was practicing myself, but even brought in someone from another Faction to train! Four is a little scary, and more importantly he one of the members in charge of initiation. He is not someone I want to piss off!"

I nod my head and consider telling Uriah we should just stop, this may not be worth it. But when he turns around holding a gun for me to hold I push those concerns away.

Uriah is very kind and takes the time to explain the gun to me. How it works, how to assemble and disassemble it, even how to properly clean it. I can tell he is taking his job very seriously. Once we start shooting we spend a good hour working on my aim. It is a rough start but by the end I have improved a lot. Mother had actually explained guns and shooting to me, how to concentrate on the target, where to focus, and what it felt to hold the gun as it fired.

Being able to actually do it was hundred times better and harder at the same time. The main thing I walked away with was learning how to aim and concentrate. And that is something I will be able to practice on my own without a gun in hand.

"Let's get some water and then we can try knives, this way." Uriah says as he runs to the side of room and he finds a stash of water bottles. He tosses me one.

"Thanks!" I smile, not realizing how thirsty I was. "By the way, thanks again for introducing me to Dauntless cake…wow. I have never tried anything like that in my entire life!"

Uriah laughs, seemingly proud of himself. "I have a feeling when you look back on this day you won't remember our new friendship or all the great training drills we ran, it will be all about the cake!"

"Tell me, what is Dauntless really like?" I ask as we head over to the knives training section.

"Hmmm, how to explain it. Well…basically the best way to explain it is by the saying 'anything goes'!" He pauses, "Do you want the real version, or the 'I am talking to an Abnegation girl so I need to keep it clean' version?"

I smile at him as I enjoy the feel and weight of a real combat knife in my hand. Wow, this is amazing. I am so anxious to start. "At this point, I want the real version."

He talks to me about the jobs, the training, he tells me a little bit about his family, and then we end up talking about marriage and Dauntless.

"Well, I am sure this is really different than Abnegation. But Dauntless is just really free and open about things, especially…um intimacy…I mean sex." He laughs as he throws a knife to show me how he does it. I note that his stance is almost exactly what Mother had already taught me.

She really was Dauntless, and good from what I can tell.

I concentrate on what Uriah is saying, "So basically everyone just runs around…doing whatever?" I ask, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. My mind immediately picturing Tobias with a different woman every night.

Uriah is helping with my initial stance, this will be the first time I am throwing an actual knife at a target. And all I can think about is Tobias having hot sex with a bunch of faceless girls in black. Ha! 'Wearing' black clothes, I am sure they would all be naked, how silly of me.

"You ok? I hope I didn't offend you talking about the sex thing… And to answer your question, yes some members are very casual about sex, which ends up being a lot of sex with a lot of different people." Uriah pauses as he sees me visibly cringe. "But, that is not everyone, Beatrice. There are a lot of people who eventually get married, and have kids and they really settle down. I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no judgement in Dauntless. Anything goes here."

I nod my head, this poor guy probably thinks he has offended my prudish ways. When in reality I want to kill someone I am so jealous at the thought of Tobias whoring his way up and down Dauntless. That is what he told me the day he broke my heart.

* * *

" _Free? What does that mean?" I ask._

_He coughs and then shrugs sheepishly. "Well, Dauntless is known for its open and free environment. I am an eighteen year old young man…I want to be free to experience what my new faction will have to offer me. I am sure I will get to know some Dauntless women that are experienced…"_

* * *

I don't even hear Uriah's explanations anymore, I am so livid. I immediately get into position and let the knife fly, pretending the target is actually Tobias.

I hit the target dead center, it could not have been a better throw.

"Holy shit! That was one of the best throws I've ever seen! Tell me you were pulling my leg and that you own a set of knives at home. That could not have been your first knife throw ever!" Uriah is actually bouncing up and down, a joyous laugh following.

I turn to look at him, and then I just smile. I hate Tobias Eaton, at this point who cares if he has had sex with fifty women in the last year. It doesn't concern me. We were over the moment he cast me aside.

Instead I smile at Uriah, my new friend.

"I wasn't kidding. I don't own a knife in Abnegation, not one like _this_ at least." I smile as I admire the beautiful piece in my hand.

"Then consider this a goodbye gift from me, Beatrice, I want you to keep this knife and keep practicing. I have had a lot of fun today, I hope next year I will see you at our Choosing Ceremony…when you pick Dauntless!" he pulls me into a hug, I stiffen at the contact.

"Oh yeah, that's another Dauntless difference…we are very affectionate. Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or _stiff."_ I hear the smile in his words before we pull apart. He is a nice person.

I smile sadly knowing that I will not be coming to Dauntless at next year's Choosing Ceremony. My place is with my mother and baby sibling.

As I take his gift and hide it in the folds of my dress I smile at him, "No matter what Uriah, I want you to know that today was a really special day for me. One I will remember for the rest of my life. Thank you for your kindness."

He looks stunned for a moment, and even with his bronze skin I notice that his cheeks flush and he gets a goofy look on his face. He opens his mouth as though he was about to say something to me, and then he closes it. As though I have left him without words.

Before I can ask him what I said that is making him act so odd, I realize that I must leave quickly, I need to check on the progress the girls made on _my project_ and then get home quickly. I fear I may already be home later than expected. Which will not be good for Mother or me.

I quickly wave goodbye and then I run off remembering that we passed the main exit right before turning the last corner to find this unmarked door. I run all the way to the supply storage area where I left the girls.

* * *

I am so relieved to find Carly and Michelle still there, playing cards. I am amazed at all the work they got done. They immediately ask me how it went, was able to secure help for my mom.

It is then that it hits me, I failed.

I just had a wonderful day, in Dauntless, with a great new friend. But I didn't accomplish what I set out to do. I didn't find Tobias and now I am back to square one.

I frown and tell them I searched everywhere and I even asked a Dauntless boy that seemed to know everyone. He had never even heard of a Tobias. I then wonder, is it possible that Tobias dropped out…could he be Factionless now?! I describe him to the girls, but they can't think of anyone that fits the description. And then Ruby assures me, Tobias sounds like a guy that would be _noticed_ by their circle of friends. Tall, handsome, blue eyes and most important…a man.

I hug them each before I then run home.

When I arrive at home I surprised to notice that Marcus is walking out the front door calmly, it is dinner time. It is then that I see that Councilmen Jonah is waiting for him and the end of the block that is towards the direction of the main hall. Marcus must have a meeting tonight. I slowly release the air of tension I had been holding in my stomach. An evening without Marcus is just what I need, especially after the day I have had.

Once I am sure they have walked far enough I walk the remainder of the way and into my house.

"Mother, I am home!" I call. I do not hear an answer.

I frown when I notice the mess in the dining room, tonight dinner is still on the table. I notice that mine and Mother's plates are on the table, the meals appear to be untouched. And then I see that Marcus's plate and food are all over the floor, as though thrown across the room.

I am instantly filled with dread. Where is she?

I run through the house as quickly as I can, I finally find her in the bathroom. She is sitting on the floor and vomiting into the toilet. I see that she has blood that has seeped through the nightshirt she is wearing.

Upon seeing me tears fill her eyes, I know she hates this. I say nothing as I help her up and take her to my room. I help her to take off her nightgown as she lays stomach down on my bed. I run to the bathroom to soak her blood stained clothes in the sink. I have learned from experience if caught and soaked early enough blood is pretty simple to get out of clothing.

As I begin dressing her wounds I have to ask, "Mother, is this because…I was late for dinner?" I feel the dread in the pit of my stomach.

She sighs quietly and then whispers, "There is nothing that we do to explain this. Marcus is a very sick man. He will always find a reason, and he will never stop."

I finish dressing Mother's wounds in silence. There is nothing left to say.

I then go downstairs to quickly clean up the mess.


	12. Baby Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Hello Readers!
> 
> Thank you for sticking with us this far and we hope you are enjoying this FOURTRIS story. We wanted to take a moment to offer a window into our plan for this story, which will hopefully alleviate the stress that some readers may be feeling.
> 
> First and foremost - this is a Fourtris love story. Is it a one shot? No. Is it a short story that will be resolved in 4 chapters? No. This is a long book! =)
> 
> We are excited to share that we have completed a full outline for this story that will have many ups and downs. We also want to point out that specific plot points are crucial to the long term goal of this plot/story. So we realize it may be frustrating to some that a character doesn't always make the smartest choice, or think through all possible solutions...but 1. It is by design/a choice we are making as authors and 2. We don't personally know anyone that is on point and never makes a mistake or misses a clue in real life. We personally don't fit that description!
> 
> And let's be honest - Ms. Tris and Mr. Tobias both make their fair share of poor decisions and mistakes in Roth's true TDS. As they should - they are human and it drove the story.
> 
> So that said - - we want to point out that this Part II of our long story is very sad, hard to read, and will be difficult for some readers as it was for us even as authors. That said, there is a reason for it as the life-experiences that our characters, as we choose to portray them, will endure will greatly impact their lives moving forward and more importantly choices they will make. Another glimpse: The next part will be a much more upbeat and romantic (angst and love) part of this story.
> 
> We hope that you will stick with us and enjoy the process.
> 
> Thank you again for your time and support.
> 
> Co-Authors: DiveregentPanda46 and FourtrisHEA

 

_**Chapter 12: Baby Sister** _

_**Date: Beatrice's Choosing Day is 5 months away (January)** _

_**Beatrice POV** _

The knife spins, end over end, as it sails toward the oak tree, sticking at the center of the crude line I scratched into the trunk. I used to aim for the big knot situated about a foot below this spot, but the surface of the knot has become quite tattered.

"Your aim is even better than mine once was, Beatrice," Mother beams, rubbing her swollen belly with one hand, over top of the heavy blankets she is bundled in. "You will do so well at Dauntless." I smile at her to cover the way my stomach turns at the reminder of how I am deceiving her. The snow crunches under my boots as I make my way to the tree trunk to retrieve the knife Uriah gave me.

Mother is still training me for Dauntless. She is far too heavily pregnant now to train with me- even early in the pregnancy she often couldn't due to the injuries Marcus regularly inflicted, so now, it is out of the question.

Situations have changed, and nothing seems to be turning out as I expected.

Mother expects the baby to arrive in three or four weeks. I wish I could be excited to welcome this new little person into our lives, but all I feel now is heartache. Mother broke the news of her decision to me three months ago. She has decided to give the baby to a factionless couple, Ruby and Daniel, to raise as their own. There, it would be "safe" in the factionless sector, where Marcus would not know it had survived and could not get to it.

The idea of having this new little brother or sister in my life had been like a ray of hope and joy shining on me, but just like that, that hope burned out. For over a year I had controlled my emotions, never letting anyone see me cry or break down, other than Tobias. But to lose another person I loved… to lose a baby brother or sister after I have already lost my twin brother… I didn't know how I could bear that. My voice was high and tight as I argued and begged, urging Mother to  _please_  reconsider, promising to find a way to keep the baby safe. But even as I blurted these wild promises, I knew that the only way I could keep the baby safe was to take down Marcus myself, and could I guarantee that? I don't even have a plan.

But there is a reason I had held back my emotion since that day, and there were consequences for my outburst- real-world consequences. The guilt started with a clenching in the pit of my stomach and spread outward until my whole body just felt tired and defeated. Mother was sobbing, and I had caused it.

Mother didn't  _want_  to give the baby up, of course she didn't. I knew that, but if I hadn't, it would be clear now. I had been so overcome by my own devastation at the news that I forgot how much harder this must be for Mother. She was doing this  _for_  the baby and sacrificing her own joy, hope and dreams.

One day, she told me, I would understand a mother's love. And I know that she is right. It would be more selfish to keep the baby here and in danger.

Mother still believes that I plan to transfer to Dauntless, and why wouldn't she? I am still training, harder than before, even. I could never leave my mother alone with Marcus, even more devastated than she was losing Father and Caleb. I don't ever want to see Tobias again, anyway. Look at all we have lost now! The list becomes longer all the time, and Tobias is far from innocent in this. He pretended that he cared for me, for us. And then he just left us, alone to face Marcus's wrath. Every time I think about him, I can feel hatred building more and more in my heart.

But I  _do_  need the training. I will not allow this sickening abuse to go on forever. I have to find a way to save Mother from Marcus myself. I also need to be able to defend myself.

Besides our training and the continued "homeschooling" and usual very long list of chores, I have had some special subjects I have been studying, as well. When the time comes, Mother will deliver in the factionless sector, where Ruby and Daniel live. Daniel drives the trains, so the couple is more stable than many factionless. I have also gotten to know them well and am quite close with Ruby. Should I manage to take down Marcus for good, I am confident that Ruby would give the baby back to Mother. Mother has been through so much already.

In order to deliver there, though we have arrangements with a midwife that Ruby and Daniel trust, I have been training to assist in the birth. Honestly, I am not left with much time these days to be sad and angry, as there is so much to learn and do in order to protect my family. It's up to me now, and I will not run away from the challenge.

"Mother, I think it would be best if we went inside now. I don't want you getting sick out here in the cold, and I should finish the afternoon chores in case Marcus comes home earlier than expected." Mother nods and I help her to her feet, heading indoors with a plan to make her hot tea right away, to take away the chill of the January air.

* * *

The water running full blast in the kitchen sink drowns out the sound of the belt hitting Mother's skin upstairs, but can't quite cover her cries. My tears fall on the dishes and mix with the soapy water as I scrub them. I tried so hard to complete everything correctly, but it seems that there are more days that my work is inadequate than days which Marcus finds everything to be satisfactory. And when I fail, it is Mother who pays the price. I remind myself of what Mother told me: " _There is nothing that we do to explain this. Marcus is a very sick man. He will always find a reason, and he will never stop."_  But each time, I worry that she cannot take much more, I worry what the long term consequences of this abuse could be for Mother and baby, both.

When Marcus wears himself out, leaves my mother's broken body crumpled on the floor, folded over her swollen belly, and passes out in the bed alone, I will help Mother to my bed and dress her wounds. It has been four or five months since laying on her stomach for this was an option, so I have become quite skilled at managing the task with her draped across the bed on her left side. Once I finish and put her to bed, I will be up hours longer, completing tomorrow's schoolwork. Marcus checks my progress each day, and if it is incomplete Mother is guaranteed a  _lesson_  from Marcus. So I complete each day's work the night before, leaving me time during the day for training and chores. All of this has become the routine.

As I rinse the last dish and turn off the faucet, I find that there are no longer cracks from the leather belt to drown out, just Mother's whimper, which has become softer now. I check my watch: it is 9:15. I must restrain myself from running up those stairs for another fifteen minutes; by then, Marcus should be snoring in his bed. I will never understand how he falls asleep so easily after beating his pregnant wife. That man must have no conscience. He is a monster.

I put away the clean dishes and wipe up the counters, glancing at my watch every few minutes. It is 9:25 when I begin to polish the sink.  _Five more minutes… just five more minutes, and I can go to Mother._

But I don't wait the five minutes, because at that moment I hear a sudden cry of agony, a cry unlike any I have heard before. "Beatrice!" I can barely hear her strained voice call my name, but in an instant I have dropped the tattered white rag in the sink and am racing up the stairs.

I enter Mother's and Marcus's bedroom as quietly as I can in my haste; Mother lays in the fetal position near the door. Though she isn't exactly the limp, crumpled heap I usually find her as, and instead her hands are clenched into fists and her face is scrunched up as she pants heavily, I can see that this beating was worse than usual. Her torso is naked, and her entire back is a mess of raw flesh, like tenderized meat. Oh, Mother, what has he done to you this time?

I kneel beside her as her body begins to relax. "I need to move you, Mother," I whisper-yell over Marcus's snores. She nods, her face twisted in pain, and I help her to her hands and knees first, then so that she stand on her knees. She supports her weight with her hands on my shoulders and I grip her sides to help pull her to a stand. She can hardly stay upright.

"Um…" I don't know what to do. How can I get her somewhere to clean her up? Then a thought comes to mind. "Lean against my back, you must still use your legs but I'll carry as much of your weight as I can," I suggest. She opens her mouth to protest, then shuts it and nods. We both know there is no other way.

I intend to take her to my bedroom but she stops me as soon as we have stepped into the hall and pulled the bedroom door shut. "Beatrice," she says urgently. "Beatrice, we have to go."

"Go where?" I ask, confused. If we had somewhere we could go, I would think Mother would have left Marcus long ago.

"The baby is coming, Beatrice. We must go to Ruby and Daniel's. Get a towel please, we need to clean up the puddle on the floor." When I look behind me, my eyes widen. How didn't I notice her wet pants? And that cry, her tense body when I found her and the way she suddenly relaxed as if the pain had subsided. Mother's water has broken, and labor has begun.

* * *

It is three o'clock in the morning. The midwife, a factionless woman named Esther, is with us. Her silver hair is pulled back into a neat bun and I am oddly fascinated with the way that not once has a single strand come out of place all night. The crease between her eyebrows is prominent- moreso as the night wears on and Mother's condition worsens- and her hazel eyes always look focused.

Esther shakes her head, frowning. She murmurs to Ruby quietly, but I can still make out her words. "This is dreadful. Her body is already  _so weak_  from the open wounds. I just checked a moment ago, her wounds are infected. Things are very dangerous for both mother and child as a result."

"How can they be infected? I cleaned the wounds as I always do!" I cry, my fear that this is my fault in some way. In my mind I picture Mother's and my rush to get here as we fled the house.

"No, Beatrice, the infection would have happened no matter how well the wounds were cleaned. I found deeply embedded debris, rust...it appears that the item used to strike her was dirty and made her situation worse. Her infection was unavoidable." Esther sighs sadly. "Your mother has a high fever from infection, and I have no doubt it was the terrible beating that sent her into premature labor. I have given her fever reducers, but her temperature has not dropped as much as I would like."

When we first arrived, Esther took a photograph of Mother's back with a special camera that develops the photo within minutes of capturing the image. She gave one to me and one to Ruby, for us each to keep safe, in case we should ever need them as evidence against Marcus.

The labor has been terrible. Mother is in so much pain, and sometimes it feels as though one contraction has hardly ended before the next begins. Her lips have taken on a blueish tint and she is pale with a sheen of sweat. You can tell with a just a glance that she is unwell. Ruby enters the room, her lips pressed together in a straight line. In her hands she carries a fresh bowl of cool damp cloths, and she places one over Mother's forehead.

"We have to get her to the hospital," I say again, shaking my head from side to side. "We can't wait any longer!"

Esther shakes her head. She is a quiet woman and I have only heard her voice a few times, but she speaks now. "I'm sorry, Beatrice. We cannot move her. It is too far, and would be even more dangerous. She would die on the journey, and the baby might, as well. Her best chance is to stay here. We can re-evaluate after delivery."

Tears fill my eyes as I huff in frustration. I've lost everyone else, and I can't lose her, too, or the baby.

I look up at the sound of Mother's voice. "Please. I need to speak to Beatrice. Alone."  _No._ If she is asking to speak to me alone, she must not believe that she will be able to later.  _Keep fighting, Momma… don't give up._  I can't get the words out.

Ruby and Esther exchange a glance and file out of the room. I want to yell at them and tell them to stay, because I can see there is something that she needs to tell me, and if they stay and she can't tell me, then she can't go.

If only it were that simple.

"Beatrice, this is very important," Mother says urgently, but then she pauses to breathe through a contraction, screaming out in pain as she squeezes my hand. I hold back the tears that are burning behind my eyes; I must be strong for her. Just as I have been for so long now.

When the contraction finally subsides and her body relaxes- more like collapses- she continues. "You need to know about Divergence." My breath hitches- I have wondered about that term,  _Divergent_ , for years now. Really, for the past few years, I have been too occupied with other things and had forgotten it, but I instantly recall my curiosity when I overheard Mother and Father discussing it years ago. I listen intently; all I know is that it seems to be dangerous.

"Divergents are people who have aptitude for more than one faction," she says quickly, breathlessly. Like she is rushing to get all the words in before she runs out of time. "I am divergent, and I suspect that you are, too, Beatrice- based on your behavior." My behavior? Am I doing something wrong? Of course I am- I have never been selfless enough. But I thought that just meant that my aptitude was not for Abnegation?

"Me?" I ask nervously. "And…  _you_  are?"

She nods and resumes her quick paced words as her nose begins to bleed. Blood is a strange color. Dark.

I grab the damp cloth from her forehead and hold it to catch the blood. That is when I feel how warm Mother is, not just a typical fever, and much worse than it should be with the medicine Esther gave her. She feels terribly warm and clammy at the same time. I open my mouth to call Esther back into the room, but Mother grasps my wrist tightly, stopping me.

"Listen to me, Beatrice. We are not dangerous, but people are afraid of what they do not understand. Every faction conditions its members to think and act a certain way. And most people do it. For most people, it's not hard to learn, to find a pattern of thought that works and stay that way. But our minds move in a dozen different directions. We can't be confined to one way of thinking, and that terrifies our leaders. It means we can't be controlled. And it means that no matter what they do, we will always cause trouble for them. If they find out, they will kill you."

I gulp.  _Kill me?!_  I don't have time to think any more about it because she is still hurriedly talking, trying to get as much in between contractions as she can. "You will be aware that you are in a simulation during stage two of Dauntless initiation. You have to pretend that you do not know you are in a simulation. You are supposed to think it's real. Just respond to the situation as a Dauntless would. At your aptitude test, too." I nod- I am not sure I entirely understand, but I know we are running out of time. It's enough information- it will have to be. I will figure it out, if I go to Dauntless. I don't know what I am doing, yet. I hope Mother makes it through this, then this won't even be a worry.

"Okay, Momma," I choke out. "I understand. But you must save your strength, Mother. You can't leave me!"

Mother shakes her head and clasps her hand to her chest. Her eyes seem unable to focus on my face. Something is not right. I don't let her stop me this time- I call out. "Esther! Ruby!" I scream their names over and over until they rush into the room.

Esther examines my mother's eyes as her lips purse in a straight line, thin and tight. She then puts her hand to Mother's forehead to feel how warm she is. She looks at me and frowns, and I know she has come to the same conclusion I did a few minutes ago: the fever reducers are not working.

As Esther checks to see how soon Mother will be able to push- I think this baby needs to come out  _now,_ if Mother has a chance to survive this- and Mother closes her eyes. She looks so pale and weak as she speaks.

"Beatrice," she gasps. "Keep the baby away from Marcus, whatever you do. You must go to Dauntless. And you must keep the baby safe."

I look to Esther, who looks back at me with sad eyes as she watches over Mother. "It's time to push, Natalie," she says softly.

Mother nods and as the next contraction hits, her face scrunches and she growls out a yell, in voice I have never heard come from her mouth before. Her hand grasps mine and tightens around my fingers. Contraction after contraction, with short reprieves in which she simply gasps and pants, and I take the job of changing the damp cloths on her forehead. The midwife announces that the baby is crowning and Mother pushes again. Through the window's cracked glass, I can see the sky beginning to turn from pitch black to a deep blue. Dawn will break soon.

"Good push, Natalie," Ruby calls out. "The head is out, now we just need to get past this little one's shoulders."

"Don't- don't be sad… for me," Mother gasps. I can see how much effort it takes for her to get these words out. "I am… home… coming home." My tears begin to spill. "I will be… with Andrew…"

"Don't leave me, Momma!" I sob as she pushes one more time. I hear the the newborn's wail and as Ruby hurries with the baby, announcing that it's a girl, and pushes her into my arms, still tethered to our mother, covered in blood. She is small and her face is red, but her cry is strong.

I lean down with the baby so Mother can see her, and I carefully place the baby on Mother's chest, keeping my hands near in case she is too weak to hold the baby in place. She strokes the baby's head with a few fingers. Then she takes my hand and places it on the baby's back, her own hand over top and wrapping her fingers around it, whispers, "Take care of her." She smiles. "Be brave, Beatrice. I love you."

Then Mother's eyes roll back into her head and she convulses; her breaths become even more shallow. Her hand is still grasping mine, and then she stills, and her grip on my fingers goes slack.

I let myself become consumed by my grief, choking out a sob from deep in my chest as I move my arm, letting Mother's limp hand fall away from its position over my hand and the baby. It takes every ounce of strength within me, despite my sister being so small, to lift her off our mother's still form. I hold my baby sister tightly to my chest. But I must be strong, for her. I give myself three seconds to wallow in sadness, then I must keep going. I must protect my sister, as I promised Mother I would.

I close my eyes and hug the baby to my chest. Caleb's smiling face flashes in my memory. What would he think of our tiny, sweet little sister?  _One._  I remember the feel of my mother's hand brushing over my hair as she cuts it, and I see her smile at our reflection in the mirror.  _Two._ I remember the way she and my father looked at one another, I see their fingers intertwined across the dinner table.  _Three._

I straighten and open my eyes, pushing all emotion away. Ruby looks to me with tears in her eyes, and I make a decision. My little sister… she's all I have left, and I cannot let her go. I can keep her safe, without leaving her to grow up factionless.

"Ruby." My voice is tight and wavers, my body has not yet responded to the way I have pushed aside my emotion. "I am going to transfer to Dauntless in June, and I want to take the baby with me. I will raise her as though she is my own daughter. No one will ever know the truth. She is all I have left. Will you care for her, until then? Marcus… he can't know that she survived."

Tobias may be at Dauntless, but Marcus will never come to see him. When Tobias left, Marcus became borderline obsessed with the Faction Before Blood creed. He will never visit Tobias, and Tobias will never visit him. Dauntless will give me- us- a fresh start. No one will ever need to know that Natalie is my sister, rather than my own daughter.

Tears stream down Ruby's face as she nods. One of her hands cups my cheek, but I don't let her come any closer; I cannot let her embrace me. I will break if she does, I will shatter.

"What's her name?" Ruby asks, peering at the sweet baby's face. She is moving her head side to side, searching for something, so I offer my little finger and she sucks at it hungrily.

"Natalie," I answer. "Her name is Natalie."

* * *

There is a mirror in the room next to the one where my mother's still body lays. I check myself over in it as my baby sister's cries quiet. Despite being three weeks early, the midwife has proclaimed Baby Natalie healthy. With the beating that Marcus gave my mother, the midwife commented, it was a miracle that the baby sustained no injuries. Ruby is caring for her now.

I look at my watch. It is nearly six o'clock in the morning on January 15- the people of Abnegation will be getting ready for work. Baby Natalie was born, and my mother died, about an hour ago.

I sit on a stool in front of the mirror and stare into it. I have so rarely even looked in the mirror, as I am only permitted to do so for a few short minutes on the second day of every third month, when Mother cuts my hair. Who will cut my hair now? Will I have to live with Marcus? Will I even  _survive_  living with Marcus? I must. I cannot leave my sister alone in this cruel world.

I keep staring, but I don't see myself. I can still feel her fingers brushing the back of my neck, my mother's fingers. My eyes wet with tears, I rock back and forth on the stool, trying to push the memory from my mind. I am afraid that if I start to sob, I will never stop until I shrivel up like a raisin.

I slowly breathe in and out before I wipe my tears away with my fingertips, then stand and walk away from my reflection. Just outside the door I see Esther feeding Baby Natalie from a bottle.

"Esther weighed her with this special sling scale contraption," suddenly standing beside me, Ruby tells me. "She's an alright size, all things considered. Six pounds, two ounces. I promise I'll take good care of her, Beatrice."

I bite my cheek to hold back the tears that are again burning behind my eyes; how have they not run dry yet?

I nod at Ruby. "You know I will try to get you anything you need. I want baby Natalie to know  _me_  as her mother. I will come often, even in the middle of the night, to bond with her. I can never thank you enough for your kindness."

I smile at Esther, who has heard my decision...she smiles me as though she is proud of me. "Thank you both, Ruby and Esther. Thank you so much."

"Whatever you need, Beatrice." Ruby's eyes shine with tears. "Natalie was an amazing woman and I cared for her very much. I will do anything I can to help her daughters."

I study my sister's tiny face for a moment, committing it to memory. She has a spattering of blonde hair on top of her head. Her ears stick out a little… like Tobias's. But otherwise, she is all Mother… all me. She has a more petite version of my long nose, she has my lips- not too thin and not too plump- and my light skin tone. Mother's light skin tone.

Her eyes flutter open and they take my breath away. They are a deep blue. It's like looking into Tobias's eyes. I always loved his eyes… but now they just bring me more pain. I will love those eyes anyway, because they belong to my sister, the only family I have left, just as I am now all Natalie has, too.

I kiss my sister- no, my  _daughter_ , I will be her mother now- with promises to see her soon, and force myself to walk out the door. I can't stop myself pausing with one foot in and one out, glancing back.

* * *

I go over the plan Ruby and I agreed to as I walk. I need to sell these lies to Marcus, it is essential that he does not doubt my truthfulness on any of this. It's a good thing that I could never be Candor.

As I enter the Abnegation sector and make my way home, I am torn by a desire to literally drag my feet and postpone arriving home- well, what was once  _home_ , but now can really only be referred to as  _Marcus's house_ ; it's not really a home when everyone I loved in that house is dead, is it?- and an impulse to stomp into that house and scream at him.

But I must not lose my head. I am all little Natalie has now. I must be wise in how I handle myself. Although my mother has died, and there is a body with evidence of his abuse, I will not go to the authorities to turn Marcus in for his crime. I will take no risks when it comes to Baby Natalie, and taking Marcus to trial would be just that- a  _risk._  Nothing will bring Mother back, and the safest thing for Baby Natalie is prevent Marcus from ever knowing that she exists.

I arrive to my front walk exhausted and feeling battered. Dried blood stains my dull gray robes, though I did fix my hair before I left the abandoned building that houses my dead mother and my newborn sister. It is strange to think that I lost my last family member just as I gained a new one; at least I'm not truly alone. I have someone to live for, someone to love. Someone who needs me.

When I blink, I see my mother's kind, serene expression. I feel her hand squeeze mine. She is selfless and brave and beautiful. No,  _was_. That is death—shifting from "is" to "was."

"Beatrice?" Robert's voice startles me, draws me away from the walk to the house I once lived in with my family. I move down the cracked sidewalk to meet him. "Beatrice, what happened?" He stares at the brown-red stains on my clothes.

"My mother…" I gulp, preparing myself for the lie. "The baby…" I let the tears well in my eyes. "The baby came early. They didn't make it."

"They?" Robert repeats, eyebrows furrowed. "Just the baby, right? Not…"

I shake my head. Robert hesitates, then wraps his arms around me, right there on the sidewalk. I stiffen. This is too public, and I don't want Robert's arms around me. There are only a few people whose embrace has ever truly comforted me. Three of them are dead now, and the fourth betrayed me.

He sighs and drops his arms. Then he presses one hand to my upper back, pushing gently to propel me forward. "Come inside with me." His tone leaves no room for argument, and I am relieved to have somewhere else to go, instead of into  _that house._ The house that contains my memories; the house that contains  _him._

The Blacks' home is as quiet as one would expect an Abnegation house to be. Susan is washing the breakfast dishes as Mrs. Black packages the lunches, and Mr. Black is at the table with the newspaper.

It is Mrs. Black who notices me first. "Beatrice." Her eyes are wide for a moment before she schools them back to the placid mask expected of the Abnegation.

Susan makes me a cup of herbal tea, and Mr. Black sends his children out the door to school while he and Mrs. Black stay back to tend to me. I tell them what happened, adding the lie about the baby's fate. I also fabricate a story to explain why Mother and I were not in our home when labor began. Marcus can never know that his daughter survived, no one can ever know. That secret must stay with myself, Ruby, Daniel, and the midwife, Esther, alone.

"You have been through too much, Beatrice," Mr. Black laments. "If there is anything we can do…"

"And poor Marcus," Mrs. Black adds. I flinch, but disguise it quickly enough, and they do not seem to notice. Or maybe they think that I am feeling sympathy for him, as well. It doesn't matter. "He adored Natalie. I noticed as soon as they married."

"I have not even had a chance to speak with him yet," I admit. "I don't know how he will take it…" An idea comes to mind. I only hope that I can be convincing in the delivery of my reasoning. "I don't know if caring for me, after everything, will be too much for him." I wait for them to suggest what I hope they will, and I am not disappointed.

"You know you are always welcome with us, Beatrice," Mrs. Black offers gently. "We would be happy to lighten the load for poor Marcus."

A crushing weight is lifted from my chest at her words. "Thank you so much, Mr. and Mrs. Black. That is a relief to hear; I do not know how Marcus will take this tragic news. His wife and child… my mother and  _brother_ …" Just to lower my risk of discovery later, I will be telling Marcus that he had another son.

Mr. Black assures me that the council should approve of the arrangement should it be necessary. I make a mental note to talk to Councilman Jonah; he was a friend of my father's and has known me for my entire life. He will help make this happen, I am sure of it.

I thank the Blacks once I have finished my tea and trudge back to Marcus's house.

When I gently latch the door, I turn to find Marcus sitting at the dining table, his eyes black pits of rage.

"Where have you been, Beatrice?" he asks quietly, standing, towering over me. Quiet is dangerous with Marcus. "Where is  _my wife_?"

Everything about the past twelve hours- the past two years, really- has been too much, and I feel like my very sanity is at its breaking point. A laugh bubbles in my stomach. Hysterical. I have to suppress hysteria if I'm going to help my sister. I have to forget myself.

"Dead," I answer. "Between her  _injuries_  and the early labor last night's trauma sent her into, she died, and so did the baby. They're gone, Marcus."

Marcus stumbles back, falling back into his chair, shocked. I don't know why he is surprised. This isn't the first time he's killed his wife and child- isn't that how Tobias's mother, Evelyn, died as well? None of us knew it at the time, but I can only assume the cause of her complicated labor was similar to my mother's.

I need to take the lie further. Lies require commitment. I must answer his questions before he can ask them. "Mother was so badly beaten… you had  _abused_  her so badly last night… that I needed to try to get her to the hospital in Erudite. We were walking by a deserted building when her water broke and labor began. She could not continue; she could hardly walk as it was, thanks to your belt." He stares at me with wide eyes. "My mother and baby  _brother_  died on the floor. The factionless helped me; they prepared the bodies for cremation."

I try to stop the words, but they are out of my mouth as if they've taken on their own life, their own will. "They're gone… because of you."

Marcus flies to his feet, but he doesn't intimidate me. I know how to defend myself.  _Be wise, Beatrice,_  I remind myself.  _You must look out for baby Natalie._

"I did it for her own good… I was trying to make her better… make  _you_  better."

"Tobias, too, right?"  _I have to stop doing that! Think before you speak, Beatrice!_

"Yes," he hisses. "What kind of father and husband would I be if allowed my family to run amok, to go against the ideals of the faction I am entrusted to lead? They needed to learn."

"I know what those questions are: excuses," I tell him. "' _Human reason can excuse any evil; that is why it's so important that we don't rely on it.'_ My father's words."

" _I_ am your father now, you little-" Marcus rages, but I interrupt him.

"We both know that you don't want me, Marcus."

"No one will believe you, Beatrice," he sneers.

"Maybe," I say. "I don't have much to lose. I have no one left." Lies. "I want to leave this house and all its memories and  _you._  I will go live with the Blacks. If you don't stop me, I will tell  _no one_  what you did. But if you cause problems for me with this, I guess we'll find out who they believe. I have a photograph of Mother's back, thanks to one of the factionless. You will never find it; you'll only see it if you interfere with me and force me to call the leaders of the other factions and show it to  _them._ Let me assure you, I will not waste my time with your corrupt friends in Abnegation." I pause for just a moment to watch him process my words.

"I will admit," I continue, "that your lies about Mother's health were smart. All this time, you've convinced the people of Abnegation that my mother was ill. That no one saw her, and that I was kept home from school to help care for her, because she was so sickly. Well, congratulations, Marcus. Now Mother has died at your hand, and all your lies will continue to cover your crimes. Why would anyone question that childbirth could kill a woman so sickly, and her child? But with those pictures… the deaths of  _two_  wives and  _two_  infants seems awfully suspicious, doesn't it, Marcus?" I can see fear creeping into his gaze.

"Think of it this way," I tell him. "The Blacks will allow me to live there until my Choosing Day in June. They've already offered. It's only five months away now." I bite my lip nervously. I have to get this right. "You can pretend you are so heartbroken over their deaths… that you can't take care of me, too. Thank how  _sorry_  everyone will feel for you, Marcus."

Marcus contemplates my proposal for a moment, then nods. "Fine. You're a worthless girl anyway, and I don't want you."

I nod. "I'll have my things packed and be gone by the end of the day. If you go ahead to work, expect to see me there to speak with Councilman Jonah for approval on this living arrangement."

Marcus watches me climb the stairs, and he says nothing. I hate him. I hate him for all of this, and Tobias, too. Tobias leaving after making me believe we would be safe… leaving that statue out to antagonize his father at the worst possible moment, leaving  _us_ to deal with the consequences… I hate both of the Eaton men for all of this.

My mother is now gone. I will never allow either of these men to hurt me or my daughter again.

I will protect my baby… my family. I will choose Dauntless, not for a boy, not for my mother, but for  _me_ , because it is where I belong. Dauntless is where  _my daughte_ r and I belong. I know that Dauntless will accept a single teen mother. In exactly five months, Natalie and I will be free.


	13. Starting Their New Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part III: Dauntless (Four & Tris)
> 
> Authors' note: Hello, Readers! Thank you for sticking with us and reading this far. We are now at the point in the story that lines up with the beginning of Roth's Divergent book. Please keep in mind that in our alternate universe, a lot of things have changed. Not only are Four and Tris two years older (20 and 18), the situation leading up to this point in the story is significantly different from the original series, and our characters have been shaped by their life experiences to date. They are different versions of themselves from what we all have read in Divergent, and as a result, may respond to their challenges differently than we might have expected them to in the original series. This won't be like a reread of Divergent- this is a new world. We will pull some of our favorite parts from the original books as they fit.
> 
> Enjoy Part III!
> 
> Xo, FourTrisHEA & DivergentPanda46
> 
> PS-
> 
> We decided to post early this week in honor of my (Panda's) birthday which is today! We both really loved this chapter, we hope you do too!

 

_**Chapter 13: Starting Their New Life** _

**Date: Choosing Day-1st Day of Initiation / Baby Natty is 5 months old (Middle of June)**

_**Tris POV** _

I sit on the train as it takes us to Dauntless, resting my head against the wall. I watch as Christina, who is from Candor, is talking to a blond boy wearing Erudite blue. The wind rushed through the car, and the other faction transfers had been hit with bursts of air, and fell on top of one another. Christina and I had been sitting already and got to enjoy the show. Christina laughed, but I was unable to hear her over the loud wind. She smiled at the Erudite boy who managed to roll out from under the heap of initiates before being sat on. He is now sitting with us and talking with Christina. I could not hear his name over the loud wind. I am not involved in the conversation.

It is fine with me, I sit back and go over my plan in my mind. This is it. The time has finally come.

I allow myself one moment to remember Marcus's face as I walked up to him proudly and looked at him before dropping my blood into the Dauntless bowl. He kept his face neutral and serene…all lies. I saw the clear rage in his eyes.

I will never think of that bastard again.

Besides, I have more important things to think about right now: my daughter and our new life.

We decided that both Ruby and Daniel will travel through the city with the baby to deliver her to the front entry of Dauntless. They plan to wear their grungiest clothes and look as disheveled as possible to sell the idea that the baby cannot be taken care of by them.

It was during my training with Mother that she had mentioned that many times someone may choose a new name when choosing a new life. Since then I have been thinking of a new name for myself; Beatrice will always represent fond memories for me of my family and Abnegation. I am starting a new life now.

I choose Tris.

Ruby and Daniel know to ask to speak to a leader and then explain that Natty is my daughter, I am a single mother, and that the father had been factionless and died long ago.

Ruby has been amazing at researching our plan, there are many ex-Dauntless that are now Factionless. Many are older and didn't want to end their lives, so they went the Factionless route. I feel confident about this plan; so far all of the information we have found supports that Dauntless will be an amazing fit for us.

Over the many years there have been numerous Dauntless Initiates that have already been parents to young children. During initiation, daycare is provided during times that training occurs, while during free time the initiate is expected to care for their own child. I just need to make it through initiation and then we can start our new life there.

I smile as I think about my baby. I never knew I could love someone so much. She is the most precious thing I have ever known, and she looks so much like Mother and I. She is named after our Mother, but we have started calling her Natty. It warms my heart every time I look at her. It has been wonderful getting to spend time with her, and bond. Ruby and Daniel have always welcomed me into their home at  _any hour_  to spend time with her. Ruby laughed and said that she is amazed I am able to function with how little sleep I get.

I have trained my body to push through. I needed to be able to spend nights with my child, I want her to feel safe with me. I know that saying goodbye to Ruby will be especially hard for the baby. And their small apartment in Factionless is the only home she has ever known. Once initiation is over, I plan to visit Ruby and Daniel with the baby. I will always have a special place for them in my heart.

Not to mention they are having a baby of their own now; Ruby is almost seven months pregnant herself. That will also help to convince Dauntless to allow Natty to stay, Ruby will be sure to tell them she has her  _own baby_  on the way to worry about.

I close my eyes and picture Natty's face, her nose, her mouth…his eyes. I sigh, thinking of her stunning eyes. When I look at them I see Tobias. I can't bring myself to acknowledge they came from Marcus, of course.

_Marcus._

I think about the promise I made to Mother as she was dying painfully, finally his horrific abuse had gotten the better of her. My mother's final plea…

" _Beatrice," she gasps. "Keep the baby away from Marcus, whatever you do. You must go to Dauntless. And you must keep the baby safe."_

I breathe in and out to steady myself. I know what I must do to protect this child.

She  _is my daughter now._ I will never tell anyone the truth, no one.

Not even Tobias.

Especially not Tobias.

I couldn't find him at Visiting Day last year, I'm not even sure if I will see him again now. It doesn't really matter at this point. I have been through so much pain and grief since the last time I saw him, aside from remembering the hurt and betrayal…my heart is cold when it comes to him. I still keep the heart necklace he gave to me hidden in the small clutch along with only photo I have of my family. I asked Ruby to place the clutch in the baby's things so that I would get it back. That heart necklace is a painful reminder that no one can be counted on, and no one can be  _trusted._

I don't care that she is his blood as much as she is mine. It was  _my mother_  that died while giving birth to her, it was  _my mother_ that endured terrible abuse from a man that was outraged that his son escaped him, it was  _my mother_  whose husband altered her birth control pills in order to force a pregnancy.

After mother finally explained in full detail about conception and birth control, I remembered the day I saw Marcus tampering with her pills in the pink shell case. I told Mother the truth and she just pursed her lips and nodded. I apologized for not mentioning it to her, but she assured me that it didn't matter. Her knowing would not have changed things. She would not have been able to refuse intimacy with Marcus even if she had known. I still remember the disgusted look on her face. I felt sick myself, it was not an image I wanted to think about. Then mother smiled at me as she rubbed her swollen stomach, she told me as terrible as the situation was that she was so thrilled to be having another baby. I smiled too. I knew she meant it.

I close my eyes as I push the painful memories of Mother away, I miss her dearly.

I have only one concern now: my child and keeping her safe.

I will trust no one.

* * *

I notice that the train has been slowing down and someone yells that it is time to jump. I have been watching the Dauntless board and jump from trains for many years, always in awe. Now it is my turn.

Christina asks me to hold her hand and drag her. We make the jump and hit the gravel of the roof. The jarring landing sends us sprawling, I release Christina's hand. She's laughing.

Then I hear a commotion. A Dauntless girl is at the edge of the roof screaming while a Dauntless boy holds her back. I look over the edge of the roof, horrified to see the body of a young woman who didn't make the jump. The girl screaming is Rita, and it was her sister that died.

As I move further away to distance myself from the tragedy and wipe the gravel off my clothes, I notice Uriah for the first time. He smiles brightly across the way. He is standing alone as I approach him.

Upon seeing me his eyes widen and he beams at me, "Beatrice! I can't tell you how happy I am to see you."

His mood instantly lifts mine as I smile back. "Hi Uriah! Um, actually I've decided to go by Tris now. I think it sounds more Dauntless."

"Tris. I love it, much better and it suits you," his eyes roam over me briefly, not in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It feels more that he is making sure I am in one piece. "Wow Tris, I can't believe it has almost been a year since I have seen you. Since we met I mean…"

I smile at him remembering the day I spent at Dauntless. What had started as a mission to find help became a day I will never forget. I also think of all that has changed since I last saw him. I need to tell him, and now.

"Uriah, I need to tell you something quickly, I want you to hear it from me. But please, you can't say anything to anyone…not yet at least."

His eyebrows raise but he nods in agreement.

I clear my throat before speaking. "The quick version, I am a single mom. I have a baby girl, her name is Natty. Her father died before she was born and now I am raising her on my own. The kind people that have helped me care for her up to this point are bringing her to Dauntless today to drop her off. They have done all they can do, and of course my daughter belongs here with  _me."_

I pause to breathe as I have never spoken so quickly while holding my breath. To his credit, Uriah keeps the smile on his face. It was his eyes that widened and then blinked as though to make sure he was not imagining the words coming out of my mouth.

Uriah smiles again, and begins to talk, "Well, I am  _shocked_  but I also think that is  _awesome!_ Good for you Tris, things are going work out. From our one day hanging out, I know you are totally  _badass._ You got this. I can't wait to meet her, when we have some downtime—"

"Listen up!" shouts a man at the other end of the roof. "Several stories below us is the members' entrance to our compound. If you can't muster the will to jump off, you don't belong here. Our initiates have the privilege of going first."

As we all step closer to hear him I forget about Uriah for the moment. There is some chatter between initiates and the Dauntless man, I sense immediately that he is amused with us.

I volunteer to go first. I am proud. It will get me into trouble someday, but today it makes me brave.

Most important, the sooner I get into Dauntless, the sooner I will be reunited with my daughter. She makes me fearless. Just as our mother was when she protected me from Marcus.

The man steps aside, clearing the way as I walk up to the edge and look down. Wind whips through my clothes, making the fabric snap.

I see a huge hole in the concrete. I can't see what's at the bottom of it.

This is a scare tactic. We will land safely at the bottom.

I close my eyes and picture Natty's smile and her bright eyes. It give me the strength I need to step onto the ledge. My teeth chatter. I can't back down now. I think of the group of people standing behind me, probably betting I'll fail. My hands fumble along the collar of my shirt and find the button that secures it shut. I undo the hooks from the collar to hem, and pull it off my shoulders.

Beneath it, I wear a gray T-shirt. It is tighter than any other clothes I own, and no one aside from Tobias has ever seen me in it before. That was a very long time ago. I ball up my outer shirt and look over my shoulder, at Peter. He has been making snide remarks all day, he even called me a "Stiff" earlier. I throw the fabric as hard as I can, hitting him in the chest. He stares at me. I hear catcalls and shouts behind me.

I look at the hole again. Goose bumps rise on my pale arms, and my stomach lurches. If I don't do it now, I won't be able to do it at all. I swallow hard.

I don't think. I just bend my knees and jump.

The air howls in my ears as the ground surges towards me, my heart pounding so fast it hurts, every muscle in my body tensing as the falling sensation drags at my stomach. The hole surrounds me and I drop into darkness.

I hit something hard. It gives way beneath me and cradles my body. As I catch my breath I realize I landed in a net. A net! I look up at the building and laugh, half relieved and half hysterical. My body shakes with laughter and I cover my face with my hands.

I just jumped off a roof.

I see a few hands stretching out to me at the edge of the net, so I grab the first one I can reach. I instantly feel a spark upon touching the hand and try to pull back, but the grip is too strong and pulls me across. I roll off, and I would have fallen face-first into a wood floor if he had not caught me.

"He" is none other than Tobias Eaton. It was his hand I grabbed, his hand that pulled me across the net when I wanted to let go.

My eyes narrow as I stare into his dark blue eyes.

_Just great._

* * *

_**Four POV** _

I check my watch. The first initiate should be jumping any minute now. Lauren just tried to make a bet that it would be a Dauntless born. She is funny, of course it will be. I remind myself I will control myself from grabbing them and discreetly asking them if there are any Abnegation transfers waiting to jump. I'm sick with nerves as we wait at the bottom of the net. This is it, Beatrice will either drop back into my life… or she won't. Part of me is sure she will come to Dauntless. I know she belongs here, I've always known.

"Four, we could really use someone like you in tech services. I mean, if you were up for some serious studying," Lauren says.

I hear the hopeful tone in her voice, we have been dancing around this topic for a year now. Thankfully she has never flat out asked me to give dating a shot, but she sure has hinted at it. I have made it a point to make it clear she is a friend, and that is all. I am not interested in her. The truth is, I am not interested in anyone in that way.

I have been here for two years and I have managed to completely avoid dating. I've had to be very firm with Zeke; there would be no ridiculous dates as Zeke's wingman. I left Abnegation determined to be alone in life, convinced I was a danger to women. Of course I didn't date when I got here. There has been no girl that ever came close to measuring up to Beatrice. Even thinking her name gives my stomach a nervous flip.

I have never stopped loving her. I sigh out loud, remembering that exactly two years ago today, I was the biggest bastard on the planet when I broke her heart, and mine right along with hers.

"What is the big sigh for? Don't you want to get a better job? We would get to spend a lot of time together," Lauren says brightly.

"If you're recruiting, you should talk to Zeke. He's much better than I am. Truth be told, Lauren, I'm just not  _interested."_

I am hoping she gets the double meaning of my words.

Lauren plays with one of the rings in her eyebrow, she is quiet now as we wait. I think she got it.

I know the first jumper will be a Dauntless born, the question is which one. Uriah is Zeke's little brother and we are pretty close. Close for my standards, as I keep most people at a safe distance. If he happens to jump first, I could ask him casually if there are transfer initiates from  _all_ of the other factions. He likes to talk a lot, like Zeke. If Beatrice is here, he would mention it.

No, stop. I need to calm down. I really hope she choose Dauntless.

Knowing that I'd possibly be seeing Beatrice today, I've been agonizing over the choices I have made, the realizations I've come to, and the long road I have ahead of me.

The largest realization has been accepting that I didn't deserve or cause what Marcus did to me. I always felt responsible, because that is what he trained me to believe. In reality, it was Marcus that was sick. Nothing was okay about what he did to me.

So much has changed for me over the last two years. I feel ready, I know that I would never hurt Beatrice. I need to apologize to her, be honest with her and I just hope she can forgive me for the betrayal. I had to make a fast decision that fateful morning, and at that point I thought I was letting her go forever. I wanted her to hate me. I wanted her to be able to move on when she came of age. I wanted her to completely let me go.

So not only did I end things, I was cruel. It killed me to treat Beatrice that way, but I honestly did it for her.

I have grown a lot in the last two years. I know I can be a good man, worthy of her love.

I miss her, and I want to make things right. I can admit I have really high hopes for  _us._

Then I see her.

Not a black streak like I was expecting, but gray. The moment I saw gray I couldn't control the huge smile on my face. She is here!

As her body is cradled by the net I stare, amazed, at seeing her jump first.

I quickly put my hand out, making sure to reach out further than the rest, so she can reach it. It is as though I was touching her for the first time, the familiar sparks at feeling her warmth fill me. Is it my imagination or did she feel it too, and is trying to pull her hand away. I wrap my fingers firmly around her hand and pull her across.

I instantly feel that pull in my stomach, the strong desire I feel for her is still there. Even after all this time, I know she is the only one for me. And now Beatrice is here, with me.

As she tumbles over the side, I grab her arms to steady her. The first thing I notice is that she is different, very different than the girl I left behind.

She isn't fragile anymore. She looks strong, her arms no longer thin and weak. Even the way she stands tall once she has steadied herself after almost falling.

Always so curious, her bright blue eyes quickly look around the compound before resting on me.

I see recognition move across her face as she looks at me for the first time. Even though as an instructor I strive to remain emotionless and have clear boundaries with initiates, I am happy to see her.

And then her eyes narrow at me as she looks at me with disdain. I meet her eyes, I try to convey to her that I still care. She actually scowls at me next. Well, that didn't work.

I can't let on that we knew each other. Even worse, I don't want people to know that I started in Abnegation. I need to get her alone, and soon. I need to explain  _everything_  to her about that day. I am desperate to have her understand what happened, why I did what I did. I pray she can forgive me. I love her still, I never stopped.

Now that I am a man, away from my Marcus's repressing thumb, I see the terrible mistake that I made. If I could turn back time, I would. Instead, I need to convince her that I made a mistake, but I made it out of my deep devotion and love for her. I was terrified I would become a monster. That I would not only hurt her, but destroy her one day. I would rather die myself than to ever hurt Beatrice Prior.

"Earth to Four?" I hear Lauren's voice snap me out of my thoughts. "I can't believe a stiff was the first to jump, unbelievable!"

"There's a reason why she left them, Lauren," I say, feeling countless emotions as I look at the love of my life as she glares at me hatefully. I pull myself back into what is happening in front of me and say to her, "What's your name?"

"My name is Tris," she says confidently, so sure of her new name. She looks strong, and her voice is steady.

"You can call me Four, that's my name…now." I whisper the last part, not wanting anyone to hear me.

"I won't be calling you anything," she hisses back quietly. I feel my cheeks flush.

I look over my shoulder, past Lauren, at the crowd of Dauntless members who have gathered to watch the initiates jump, no one has heard any of our discussion.

I announce, "First jumper-Tris!"

I want them to remember her for her first act of bravery, not because she is wearing Abnegation grey. They all cheer, and suddenly there is a blood-curdling scream as another initiate falls into the net. The Dauntless do love loud noise, immediately all their attention and laughter focuses on the terrorized initiate. I leave Lauren to handle the next jumper.

I touch a hand to Tris's back to guide her toward the stairs, really I just want to feel her again. Before I can get my greeting out, she stiffens and quietly tells me not to touch her. She stops dead in her tracks and waits for me to comply.

"Welcome to Dauntless." I mumble as I remove my hand. She completely ignores me and walks away.

Well shit.

This is not going to be easy at all.

* * *

Five Candor, three Erudite and my one Abnegation. Those are my initiates this year.

Once all the initiates are gathered, I start down the tunnel, beckoning them to follow with one hand. We walk down the dark hallway toward the Pit doors.

"This is where we divide. The Dauntless born initiates are with me. I assume you don't need a tour of the place," Lauren laughs, then placing her arm around my back in a friendly gesture, "transfers, you are with this Dauntless-wonder. Enjoy."

She smiles at me flirtatiously when she thinks no one is looking. I keep my face frozen, fighting my impulse to scowl at her.

After they have left, I straighten up. I learned last year that in order for them to take me seriously I need to be hard on them from the beginning. This will include  _Tris_. Whether she likes it or not, I am her instructor and for her own sake – I will not allow her to walk all over me. She needs to get through this training as much as the next person.

I want her to do well, but she is going to need to earn it just like everyone else.

"My name is Four," I finish after giving them a little bit of my background. I notice that Tris makes it a point to look bored and her eyes are anywhere but on me.

Before I can dwell on how disrespectful she is being, one of the Candor girls speaks up. "Four? Like the number?"

There are some giggles from the group, Tris is still scowling. No laughter from her.

Between Tris's attitude and now this one's annoying loud-mouth, I reach my breaking point much faster than I expected. I have to show them all that I'm not someone to be messed with, and I have to do it now. Tris had better listen up.

I lean in close to the Candor's face and stare at her for a few seconds, until I see her smile falter.

"What's your name?" I say, keeping my voice quiet.

"Christina," she says.

"Well, Christina, if I wanted to put up with Candor smart-mouths, I would have joined their faction," I say coldly. "The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?"

She nods. I glance at Tris as I turn away. I have her full attention now, no more staring off into space.

We continue our tour of Dauntless. I wait in the hallway as all of my initiates change into Dauntless clothes. Once they are all  _finally_  finished changing I lead them to the cafeteria and explain the last of the information they need to know.

I then notice that Dauntless leaders Max and Eric have joined the outskirts of the group. I keep my face neutral and my voice steady as I continue. Max catches my eye and motions for me to hurry and wrap up the tour.

I run through the end, and dismiss the group while letting them know they have some time before dinner is served.

Suddenly Max loudly interjects, "We need a moment with initiate Prior, the rest of you are dismissed."

I watch as all initiates are still and look around to see who Prior is, when Max yells again – "Get moving!"

As the group scurries off I stare at her, wondering what the hell is going on here. She is looking at Max intently, not afraid but not completely at ease either.

"Four, you will need to be present for this. Please join us. I don't need the entire compound hearing this." Max says calmly as he motions for all of us to get out of the middle of the hallway. He no longer seems irritated.

As I walk to stand next to Tris I notice that Eric has the largest smile I have ever seen him make. His eyes are bright and his smile gets even bigger when he sees me watching him.

This can't be good.

My first thought, they somehow know that Tris and I are technically step-siblings. Damn it, I am going to get kicked off of initiation training team this year.

I stand tall and as Eric moves in closer to close the circle between our group I feel her standing next to me as she accidently takes a step too close as she moves further away from Eric. Eric is not even looking at her, he is just smiling from ear to ear while watching me.

"Eric, please control yourself or I am going to ask you to leave the discussion," Max says, now sounding annoyed again. Eric nods and holds up his hands in defeat. I notice he wipes the smile off his face, but his eyes still show how amused he is.

Ugh.

Max clears his throat. "My name is Max, I am the leader of this faction. This is Eric, he is part of the leadership team at Dauntless and he is also overseeing the entire initiation process. And you have of course met Four already."

"Hello, sir," Tris says quietly. After quickly nodding at Eric she is staring at Max intently, as though she is waiting desperately to hear what he has to say. Yet I sense no fear from her.

God, I would guess I am more nervous than she is. What the hell is going on?

"I am guessing it's no surprise to you that your daughter," Max pauses to look at the paper in his hand, "who is five months old, was dropped off at the front of Dauntless headquarters a little while ago."

Tris nods her head to confirm.

"What?!" I gasp loudly, in genuine shock. Is this a joke, or a mistake?

Eric stifles a laugh at seeing my horror.

Max rolls his eyes. "Yes Four, it hasn't happened in the last two years but there is a protocol in place for initiates that are not only parents, but single parents." Max turns his attention back to the sheet of paper and then to Tris again. "It says here that the baby's father is deceased?"

"That is correct," Tris says. She has not bothered to look at me even once. As though I am not even part of the discussion.

I want to shake her and demand to know who the hell got her pregnant! Deceased? Did Natalie or Marcus kill the guy?

"Well, obviously you don't have anyone to leave the baby with as the father is unavailable. As you are part of our initiation program, your child will become part of Dauntless as well." Max shakes his head and smiles.

"I will say, you are the first transfer that has shown up with a baby. Which also means no extended family to help with the baby, but we will make arrangements. First time for everything." Max turns his attention to me; I straighten and put my Four-face on. "Four, as you are her direct instructor this now becomes your problem. I will expect things to go smoothly and I will personally hold you responsible for any issues."

What?!

Now I see that Eric is actually covering his mouth to hide his smile. Of course he would think this is hysterical. Little does he know how screwed up this situation  _really_  is for me.

Tris had a baby!? That means she had sex with someone else! I alternate between shock, jealousy and rage. I can't believe this. I hope my face is not reflecting the horror that I feel.

Here I am, a twenty-year-old Dauntless virgin. And she shows up with her love child she had while in  _Abnegation_. My mind is racing. I actually feel a headache forming.

"Four! Are you even listening to me?!" Max barks.

I see that Tris has a look of horror on her face as she is  _finally_ looking at me intently. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are wide.

What now? What could be worse than what has already been laid on me?

"Sorry, could you repeat that?" I ask, glaring at Eric who is now nodding his head while smiling.

Max sighs, "As I was saying, this is your problem to deal with. So you will need to get a crib and an additional bed for Tris and the baby."

I huff, great, now I am the errand boy. "So they are staying in the dorms?"

Eric does burst out laughing this time, even Tris turns her head to scowl at him.

"Shut it, Eric!" Max barks. "No Four, I will repeat that part too. We can't have a baby in the dorms with all the initiates, and like I said…this is your problem now…"

I look at him, completely confused. Why the hell won't he just say what he means?

"Tris and the baby will be living with you during initiation," Max says firmly.

A hysterical laugh escapes from my mouth, the hell they are. Over my dead body! This has to be some kind of joke. A large, elaborate, in-poor-taste, evil joke.

Max's eyes narrow, "Four, let me be clear with you," he roughly shoves my training binder into my chest, "this is no laughing matter. There is a  _small baby_  involved. I suggest you take this seriously. The protocol is in  _your_ training binder _._ I suggest you read it and get up to speed."

His face softens as he sees the look of panic on my face as I realize this is for real. "Four, it's not a big deal. The initiates have men and women in the same dorm, you and Tris will just need to make do. As her instructor, I need you to step up and help Tris get the help she will need when it comes to her baby." He chuckles. "No one is going to make you change diapers, so just relax."

Yeah, I'll do that. I am in my own personal hell, but yeah I will be sure to try to  _relax_.

Max claps his hands, insinuating he is done with this conversation. "Tris, your daughter is at the infirmary as it is protocol that the baby have a full examination upon arrival. I can assure you she is in safe hands, I met her briefly. The baby is really friendly and was enjoying her time with the nurses."

Tris smiles shyly, "Thank you, sir. For everything."

After Max walks off, we stand around awkwardly, and finally Eric manages to control his laughter long enough to hand me a clipboard with a to-do list on it.

"Let's go, Four and Tris, I am going to follow along to make sure Four here doesn't drop the ball," Eric says happily. "Let's go learn about what life will be like for you two, I mean you  _three,_  over the next two months of initiation. This is your show Four, lead the way!"

I scowl and walk in the direction of the Dauntless daycare center. I don't even care if they are following.

I am not happy.

_This is just great._


	14. The Showdown

_**Chapter 14: The Showdown** _

**Date: Choosing Day-1st Day of Initiation / Baby Natalie is 5 months old (Middle of June)**

_***Four POV*** _

I trudge down the hallway that leads to the daycare center. I've never had the misfortune of having to come here before. I only know the way because of my job in the control room. I know every inch of this compound.

"Four, make sure you read the protocol sheet so you pass on the correct information to  _your initiate,"_ Eric chastises me as he turns his attention to Tris. "This situation is really a great learning experience for Four, I am looking forward to meeting your little one. What's her name?"

I stop to carefully read the bullshit protocol that is ruining my life, I hear Tris tell Eric that her love child is named Natty.

Natty?

Then I realize it must be a nickname for Natalie. That's nice, I guess. Naming the baby after her grandmother. As angry as I am with Tris, I feel a pang of sadness when I think of Natalie. I have missed her as well these two years. Although it was just a short time I had her as a step-mother, her warmth towards me left a lasting impression.

It occurs to me that she will likely visit Tris on visiting day…I'd love to see her. Even if it is from afar.

And then I remember that Tris will probably have this kid in tow when she sees Natalie. I scowl just thinking about that.

"I read it, let's keep moving," I bark as I proceed through the daycare center entrance.

As I approach the front desk I see a woman that looks very familiar. She is dressed in all black, but showing a lot of skin. She is pretty enough, but she is also like many of the women here…aggressive and sexual.

"Well hello, Four. I never thought I'd see you down here…what brings you to the Dauntless Daycare center?" the vivacious daycare director purrs when she sees me. I honestly can't remember her name, I've met her a couple of times as she is good friends with Shauna. Damn it, what is her name…

I clear my throat. "Hey. So this is Tris Prior, she is one of my initiates this year and I believe you should be expecting her."

"Hi! Yes, we've heard all about you," her eyes focus on Tris and she waves us all in past the front desk. "Come on in, my name is Diana, I am the director of the center. We are looking forward to having little Natalie in our care."

"Thank you, she actually goes by Natty. Please let her teachers know," Tris asks politely.

As I walk by first I can feel Diana's eyes undressing me. This woman has no shame, she has always been an aggressive flirt. There are children everywhere, she needs to settle down.

Eric clears his throat, Diana tears her eyes away from me and then seems to notice Eric for the first time. She smiles at him as well and nods her head in a hello.

"Diana, Four needs to cover some things with both you and Tris before we start the tour. Let's all give Four our undivided attention," Eric says brightly.

This asshole is loving every minute of this. He can't be bothered to show up to watch all of the new initiates in  _his program_  jump into the net or meet them…but he has time to  _babysit_  me? I hate him so much, I've decided that I dislike funny-Eric even more than the sadistic-Eric version.

I look at Tris for the first time since we have entered the daycare. Her face is blank as she waits for me to start.

She is cold as ice.

Fine, two can play this little game.

"Here are the rules. Dauntless will be providing you with free childcare during the initiation phase. During this time you will be entitled to utilize the daycare center during official training initiation activities for which  _I'll_  be responsible for setting the schedule. Meaning – if there is a morning when I require my initiates to meet in the training room at 10 am, you can't drop your child off at 8 am in order to run your personal errands. Just as an example," I add snidely.

Tris's eyes narrow for a moment before she pushes the emotion away.

"Diana, what are your operating hours for childcare?" I ask cooly. I have no idea what times this place operates.

"We have a lot of parents that have first shift for compound jobs, we open at six AM and then close at six-thirty PM," she answers with a smile.

"Thanks, Diana." I turn my attention back to Tris. "Since there will be some initiate activities that run outside those hours, we have set you up with a leadership-approved nanny. Again, we will cover the expense of babysitting only when it is tied to a Dauntless training activity. Do you understand?"

Tris nods her head, her face calm and emotionless.

I turn to Diana. "This… _situation_  just fell into my lap. I will get you a schedule later tonight for the week. I imagine you will need the schedule a week ahead for staffing purposes?"

"That would be great, Four. I look forward to seeing  _more of you_  now that we will…in a way…be working together," she says coyly.

I nod my head. I look over at Eric who now looks bored. He has the attention span of a flea when things aren't entertaining enough for him. By entertaining, I mean when something bad is happening to someone other than him.

When he notices he has my attention he motions for me to move this along and rolls his eyes.

I look past Diana and see the different rooms that have large glass windows so that there is visibility at all times. There are children playing and energetic daycare teachers entertaining and caring for them. It does look like a nice place.

I glance over and see that Tris is intently looking at the set up as well.

"Diana, has my daughter arrived? I was really hoping to see her, even if just for a minute," Tris asks, her voice filled with emotion. I feel a pang in my stomach, and then I quickly push it away.

Diana nods her head sadly in a no. "The baby is still at the infirmary for her routine checkup. Until she is cleared to be healthy they will not allow her to enter the center and be around all of the other children. I read in her file that she has been raised in  _Factionless_ , is that true?"

I hear this judgement in Diana's voice, I am sure Tris hears it too. This conversation is suddenly getting uncomfortable.

Eric immediately perks up. We have this asshole's attention again.

"You read correctly; my baby has been living in a lovely home in Factionless. Natty has been well taken care of by a wonderful couple that was willing to help me until my Choosing Day," Tris says firmly, her eyes blazing mad. She obviously didn't like the putdown that Diana was insinuating with her tone.

I don't know if Diana missed the hostility or she just doesn't care. "Wow, I can honestly say I've never heard anyone ever refer to a home in  _Factionless_  as being  _lovely!"_

My back stiffens as both Diana and Eric start laughing, as though the thought of anything good coming out of Factionless is hysterical to them.

Tris purses her lips but lowers her eyes. I know her still. She is controlling her anger, for which I am glad; Eric does outrank me and let's face it – she will be getting free childcare for a while. It is not a bad deal for her.

As I am about to ask if we are done, Diana just keeps going. "One more thing, where is this baby's father? Is he… _Factionless?_ I imagine it isn't every day it occurs to someone to trust their infant to live in those terrible conditions…"

"Diana, that's enough!" I snap harshly without thinking.

As mad as I am at Tris, I feel sick when someone is attacking her for no reason. I am surprised by how  _automatic_ my defense of her was.

Suddenly all eyes are on me, Eric raises his eyebrows as though willing me to continue. I am sure he'd love nothing more than for me to give him a reason to complain about me to Max. He is such a pathetic kiss ass. He still can't let go of the fact that he is working the job that I  _turned down._

I clear my throat. "As always, Diana, lovely to see you. As you can imagine  _this initiate,_  that I am responsible for, has had a very long day. Why don't we cut her some slack and save the interrogation for another day?" I smile flirtatiously as I try to diffuse the situation. "And really, as we  _all know_  – Faction Before Blood. Who cares where the baby's father is from? If he isn't in Dauntless, then he doesn't matter to us. Right?"

Eric rolls his eyes as Diana grins at me and nods happily. I don't know if she even heard a word I said past the "lovely to see you". Nor do I care, I just want to get out of here.

Tris brings up seeing the baby again, she seems very anxious. It occurs to me that she has had a full day between the Choosing Ceremony and getting to this point. I wonder when the last time she even saw her baby was. I feel a sharp pang in my stomach; my heart lurches with a feeling I can't pinpoint.

I can't be jealous of a baby, can I? I sigh, of course not. I am still reeling over the fact that Tris had a baby with another man. She gave some man every part of herself. And that kills me.

She actually had sex with someone else. I feel sick when the question "Did she love him?" crosses my mind again and again, tormenting me. My anger starts to get the better of me.

What the hell was she thinking? Obviously not thinking enough as she got knocked up. How does an Abnegation girl manage to be pregnant…and then I think about Marcus. Knowing him, her unwed pregnancy would have been a terrible embarrassment, so he covered it up.

All I know is that I need answers.

As we walk outside of the daycare center, I am quiet, as is Tris. Eric is blathering on about utter nonsense. He is trying remind me that he is in charge, commanding me to get him copies of any reports that involve Tris and her baby. I have to chew on my lip to keep from rolling my eyes and telling him to get off my ass.

Finally Eric realizes that he isn't going to get a rise out of me, and Tris is the picture of cool and unengaged. Eric reminds me to make sure I get  _them_ settled before I run off to hang out with my friends.

Tris and I stand in silence and watch as Eric stomps off as though he now has something more important to do, or someone else to torment.

I estimate how long it will take him to reach the main hallway so that he won't see what I do next. I have played nice long enough, now I want some damn answers.

I grab Tris by her wrist and begin to drag her towards my apartment. I hear her gasp in surprise but I don't care. I need to speak to her privately and  _now._

"What the hell part of 'don't touch me' didn't you grasp?! Let me go, Tobias!" she hisses at me.

My anger only boils up as she uses my old name. I have worked so hard to erase that name, that life from my new existence here.

"Do not speak again until we get to my, excuse me, now  _our_  apartment. I don't need all of Dauntless knowing my damn business. So shut up!" I snap at her furiously.

"I will go with you, but you don't need to drag me around like a ragdoll. Enough!" she shouts and within seconds she moves into action.

Tris steps back from me to gain stability, and then relaxes her wrist. She then quickly rotates her wrist towards my thumb which automatically loosens my grip. She retracts her hand quickly to prevent me from grabbing it again.

I stand in the middle of the hallway gaping at her. How in the hell did she know how to do that?

She actually smiles, not at me of course, but as though she is happy she was able to break my hold on her.

Once she remembers I am still there, she rolls her eyes and tells me to lead the way. I scowl at her and walk to my apartment with her trailing behind.

* * *

As we enter my apartment I can feel my anger rising. Logically, I know we were not together, hell – I am the asshole that dumped her. I know these things. I know!

But I am still mad, hurt and crazy with jealousy. I keep thinking about this faceless man. Who the hell is this guy that she was with?

I just realize in this moment why I am so upset. I was counting on her to wait for me, I was counting on her to remain chaste. I was counting on her coming to Dauntless. I was counting on her still loving me the way that I deeply love her.

I was counting on our future.

And that is gone now. She is not who I thought she was. And I know her, she is not perfect…but I know in my heart she would never have sex without being deeply in love.

That may be what hurts me the most. She got over me, she replaced me. She fell in love with someone else.

I remind myself she is eighteen now, soon to be nineteen actually. We have been apart for two full years. Even the time we were in love and together was so short.

My cheeks flush as I remember the lotion and the hand job she gave me, the first time being for my eighteenth birthday and then she wanted to do it again later. Why would I be surprised that she moved on to...more advanced things. Arrrgh!

I was a fool. And now I'm hurt and angry at the same time. Feelings aren't always rational, and that is where I am now.

To make matters so much worse…she and her love child are literally being shoved down my throat. How the hell am I supposed to survive living with them for the next two months! During initiation, nonetheless!

Damn it!

"Well, are you going to sit their brooding all evening or is there something you want to talk about?" Tris interrupts my thoughts.

I scowl at her and run my fingers through my hair to calm myself. I am going to attempt to keep this civil, as we are stuck with each other.

"I want answers from you, help me understand how the hell you got pregnant and had some other guy's kid!" I snap.

Her eyes narrow as she breathes in and out before responding, "Help you understand what?! How my baby was conceived? Do you want me to draw you a diagram?"

I bite my lip, I am so mad. "So you went and what, screwed the first guy you could find after I left? Is the father someone I know? Is it Robert from next door?! Tell me!"

She starts laughing at me. Tris is literally laughing right now. I am getting madder by the minute. I hate that she is mocking me.

"Although none of your business, if you must know – the father was factionless. He sadly is no longer with us. I will not discuss any more than that. It is just too painful for me." She finishes. There is something a little off about her story or maybe the emotion she presents, I can't put my finger on it. Or maybe I just no longer know her as well as I used to.

"Was there only one guy after I left? The baby's father?" I demand.

"Who the hell do you think you are, Tobias Eaton?!" she yells at me. "It is none of your business what I did after you threw me away like I was a piece of garbage! Screw you, Tobias!"

My eyes narrow. I step closer to her, I want to make sure she understands me. "Listen carefully, Tris. I don't care if you were the biggest whore Abnegation has ever known. I don't care how many times you spread your legs or for how many men. You are in my home, and you are in my space…and soon I'll also have to put up with your…love child…which I am sure will be even more annoying than you are, so you better listen." I pause as I try to calm myself. "I have worked too hard to get away from Abnegation and being Marcus Eaton's  _son._ I am no longer Tobias. You better forget that name and start calling me Four."

Tris watches me carefully, she looks at me with disgust. I can feel how much she hates me.

"That's fine, Four. The truth is, I don't even recognize you. I won't make the mistake of calling you  _Tobias_ ever again. And believe me, the last thing I want people to know about is our disgusting past. I regret every minute of it. I regret the day that you and your father stepped into our lives! I hate you and I hate Marcus," she yells.

I hear her voice catch when she mentions Marcus at the end. I am about to ask her when she cuts me off.

"Who are you to imply I am a whore? As you were breaking up with me, you flat out told me that you wanted to be free to experience all the sluts of Dauntless. I haven't even been here five minutes and I have already witnessed two skanks that are trying to get in your pants!" she mutters angrily. I can't tell if she is jealous or just hates me in general. "I know what Dauntless is all about, you have probably been having a ridiculous amount of sex these last two years!"

I purse my lips. I'm hurting, and I want her to hurt too. Let her think I have screwed half of Dauntless. I hope she feels even one-tenth of the pain and jealousy I am experiencing over her and her baby. I don't correct her with the truth.

She scowls at me, "Nothing to say? Fine! I never dreamed I would have to put up with you as my initiation instructor! If you hate me so much, why in the hell are you training the transfers? I am sure that other trainer that was undressing you with her eyes in front of all of us would have been happy to trade with you. I've always been clear that I would be coming to Dauntless. You knew I'd be here!"

I bite my lip, I want to tell her  _the truth_. First, that it is my job, and I enjoy it…but I have been waiting for her. I kept this position because I wanted to be around her as soon as possible. I also wanted to watch out for her, keep her safe.

No, forget it. That is never going to happen. I was stupid to count on her, to wait for her. I don't even know this woman who stands before me.

As far as I am concerned she is just another initiate. Anything we ever had is gone.

I feel myself close off. I actually have to deal with all the logistics and extra work of accommodating her and that kid she has. I have a long list of to dos and not a lot of time.

I remind her that she needs to get dinner. I really just want her to leave. I give her a spare key to my,  _I mean our_ , apartment.

"I guess you can't even bother to answer a simple question, what a surprise!" She frowns and storms out, slamming the apartment door behind her.

_Just lovely._


	15. Dinner, Then Bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Hi everyone! We hope everyone is having an enjoyable summer. Just a note to say thank you again for reading and commenting for this story, DECEPTIONS & SECRETS. Please note the title, we named it this for a reason - there are going to be a lot of lies and manipulations ahead. As we write this, we realize some moments will frustrating….trust us, it is by design. Enjoy the process - we are aiming for a big payoff! As we always do for our writing, and your reading pleasure (hopefully).
> 
> Take care, DivergentPanda46 and FourTrisHEA

 

_**Chapter 15: Dinner, Then Bed** _

_**Date: First Day of Initiation / Baby Natty is 5 months old (Middle of June)** _

_**Tris POV** _

I am seething as I stride toward the daycare center. My argument with  _Four_  echoes in my mind and every word I replay just works me up further. Who the hell does he think he is to talk to me that way after the way he treated me? What gives him the right to question me?! He acted like I was under some obligation to wait for him, like I owed him my devotion while he screwed around with who knows how many women for the past two years! He didn't even want me to come here. He made that very clear the day he treated me like garbage and broke my heart.

I  _did_  find it amusing, though, when Four referred to Natty as my "love child". How ironic- he couldn't be much further from the truth. It was hard not to laugh out loud at him.

I realize that I am nearing the daycare and, emotionally, I'm in no shape to pick up Natty. My breathing is erratic- I'm nearly panting. My heart is pounding in my ears and my jaw clenched so hard that my teeth hurt. I need to calm down before I see my daughter.

There is a small alcove off the hallway I am walking down; I can slip in there for some privacy. Ideally I'd like to go to the training room and take it out on a punching bag, but I need to get Natty and eat some dinner, and besides, I shouldn't show anyone how practiced I already am at combat. I shouldn't have had any training before coming here, but Mother taught me for nearly a year. After her death, I continued to practice when I was able to find the time alone.

When living with Marcus, I discovered that it helped my anger to clench my fists as tight as I could, then release them. I haven't had to do this as much the past few months, living with the Blacks, but it helps me now. I lean against the wall of the alcove and go through the familiar movements until I feel my body relax.

With one last deep breath in and slow exhale, I am ready. I am anxious to see my daughter.

The daycare center is just two more turns away from the alcove I stopped off at, and it's impossible to hold back the smile that creeps onto my face as I anticipate seeing Natty. Since she was born, five months ago today, all my moments with her have been stolen. Finally, our new life has begun, and I can see her all the time. There is no Marcus here to worry about, no surrogate parents to sneak away from, though I will be forever grateful to Mr. and Mrs. Black for taking me in these past months.

The director, Diana, is at the front desk again when I walk in, and despite her rude remarks earlier, she greets me with a bright smile. I remind myself that almost every member of every faction has been trained to look down on the factionless. Even being raised in Abnegation not to pass judgment, the image I was raised to believe of the factionless was far less desireable than what I have now found to be true in reality for the people that are willing to work hard.

"Hello again!" Diana chirps. "I'll bet you're anxious to see your baby! And who wouldn't be, she is such a joy! So beautiful and happy."

My heart swells with pride; Natty really is a lovely, easy baby with such a sunny disposition. I tell Diana how anxious I am to see her, and she scurries on back to the infant room to get Natty. When she comes back out, she is carrying my baby girl in one arm and a cloth contraption in the other.

Diana tells me that the daycare teacher was "wearing" Natty and she just loved it, so she gives me the baby carrier to borrow and shows me how to use it. I have just thanked her and am about to turn and leave for the dining hall when Diana stops me.

"Tris," she says, touching my shoulder. I turn to face her awkwardly; I'm not used to having a baby strapped to my front. "So, I was wondering…" She twirls a strand of hair around her finger. "Did Four say anything about me after you all left?'

My stomach drops. What is with all these girls?! Just how big of a man-whore is he? I know how attractive he is, I wish I could forget it… but it seems every slut in Dauntless is trying to get into his pants.

I hate the way my stomach drops like a rock at her words, I hate the way I can hear my pulse pounding in my ears, I hate the way my face begins feeling hot.

I'm livid that she's asking me this; she already insulted me the first time I was here, now this. But I know the position I am in. These people are caring for my infant daughter…  _for free._  It's in my best interest and, especially, in  _Natty's best interest,_  to control my temper and just be nice. I need to stay on their good side; no matter how rude any of them are, I will be sweet as honey.

So I play dumb. "I'm sorry, Diana," I say, fighting off any edge that wants to creep into my voice, "I really don't know  _Four_  at all, I just met him a few hours ago. He seems very closed off, so it's hard to read what feelings he may have had. Four is my  _instructor,_  he has made it very clear that he and I aren't, and never will be, friends."

Diana nods knowingly. "Ah, you're right. I can't believe I forgot, that is just what he's like. You'll tell me if he does say something, won't you, Tris?" She smiles, her eyes shining bright and eager. I agree, though I seriously doubt that Four would say anything to  _me_  about her. I thought I knew how to read him but two years ago today, he proved that I was wrong. I never really knew him.

* * *

I peer over Natty's head, inspecting the round, flat piece of meat I hold in the tongs. Looking from side to side, I see people making sandwiches with the round meat between two halves of a round dinner roll. I've never seen or eaten a hamburger before, but the word comes to my mind, thanks to Mother telling me all about the wonderful foods served at Dauntless. When she gushed about Dauntless cake, I didn't tell her that I had already gotten to try it with Uriah.

Once my plate is filled with a hamburger in between the round bread, a scoop of fruit salad and a helping of corn, I scan the room to find the Candor girl I met on the train, Christina. I spot her sitting with the Erudite boy whose name I didn't catch, and a few transfers. Relieved to see a familiar face, I glide across the dining hall to her table and tap her on the shoulder. It's only as she turns toward me that I notice that next to her is a huge boy that I remember seeing in Candor black and white… and on his other side is  _Four,_  eating alone, other than the transfer initiates gathered around the table.

"Triiiis!" Christina squeals, I would have automatically covered my ears if my hands weren't occupied holding the tray of food; I see Four visibly cringe. Christina gasps. "Oh my gosh, please please  _please_  sit by me, I want to see the baby!" Then Christina lightly smacks the arm of the hulk of a boy sitting next to her. "Al,  _move!_ " The big guy- Al- grumbles slightly as he gets up and gathers up his tray, but flashes me a genuine smile and nods his head at me as he passes.

I don't want to sit in Al's seat, it's between Christina and  _Four._  And I don't want to see any more of Four than I have to- it's bad enough that I will see him all day at training, and often in his apartment.  _Just pretend he's not there,_  I tell myself.  _He doesn't want to talk to_ you  _either_ ,  _so it will be easy to avoid interacting with him._

I carefully unhook the straps of the cloth baby carrier and take Natalie out, setting her bottom on the edge of the table with my hands holding under her armpits before I adjust my grip on her and sit her in my lap, facing out toward my new friends. Christina introduces the rest of the transfers at our table- a strong-looking former Erudite named Edward with light blond hair and blue eyes; his girlfriend, Myra, who is taller than me but willowy and fragile looking; one more Erudite transfer, the boy we sat with on the train, whose name turns out to be Will; and the large boy who gave me his seat, Al.

I begin eating my fruit salad first, it's familiar, unlike the hamburger. After I few bites, I pick up the sandwich tentatively. Across from me, Myra has taken the top off her sandwich and is spooning some red sauce onto the meat. When she puts the spoon back in the bowl, I reach toward it, and Myra pushes it closer to me with a smile.

Four remains silent as they speak and scowls at me, then Natty, and back to me. My heart pounds when he looks at Natty, he seems so tense; I am lying to Four about this child, she's his sister, too. He is Natty's brother. Is this really for the best, to keep this secret from even Tobias?

But he isn't Tobias any more, he's Four. I don't know Four; I didn't even really know Tobias, as it turned out. He used me and led me on, he callously crushed my heart. He lied to me in such a cruel way. I can't trust him, and sharing information with  _anyone_  puts Natty's safety at risk. I need to be careful, not spill my secrets to a man who has already broken my trust.

As I am getting everything situated, Christina keeps the conversation going. "Wow, I can't believe you have a baby! I never would have thought that an Abnegation would be the one showing up with a baby! What was that like? How did it happen?" Her voice is excited and bubbly, it doesn't seem like she  _intends_  to be rude. It will take some getting used to, being friends with someone raised Candor. The Candor are known for being "loudmouths."

Will jumps in to say exactly what I am thinking as Natty begins peering at the faces of our dinnermates. "Your Candor is showing, Christina," he teases goodnaturedly, with a roll of his eyes. "That was rude to ask in front of everyone." I think I'm going to like Will- he's already acting like a friend. It's clear that he was helping me out, saving me from having to talk about personal, sensitive subjects with a group of strangers, but he did so without being unkind to Christina.

Christina just laughs. "I guess I will need to get used to the whole 'being polite' thing. My mother always said that politeness was just deception in a pretty package." Then she leans over to me. "You can tell me when we're alone," she whispers, her mouth inches from my ear. I smile at her.

"So, what's her name, Tris?" Myra asks from across the table, smiling gently at the baby.

"Natalie," I reply, "after my mother, but I call her Natty."

The table is a chorus of comments for the next few minutes: about how beautiful Natty is, pointing out the many ways she looks  _just like me_ \- I can't admit it out loud to anyone, but I am very fortunate that Natty and I each take after Mother, neither of us after our fathers, other than our eyes. It makes passing her off as mine much easier. Throughout the other initiates' gushing, Four occasionally rolls his eyes or scoffs out loud. I wish I wasn't sitting next to him, he is obnoxious.

Speaking of eyes… "Oh, Tris!" Christina gasps. I look up, startled, what's wrong?! "Natty has the most  _gorgeous_  blue eyes I have  _ever_  seen! Does her dad have eyes like that?! If he does, I can sure see how you fell for him!"

I feel sick to my stomach.  _Why, Chris?! Don't point it out, those are Marcus's eyes… Four's eyes._  "Uh, yeah," I say. I'm so nervous. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants legs, first the right, then I switch which hand holds onto Natty so I can wipe the left.

And just as I do, for the very first time, Four sets down his fork and  _really looks_  at Natty. He studies her face, especially, of course, her eyes.  _Shit! He's going to know. He will see that they're his eyes, Marcus's eyes, and he will know. And then who knows what he will do!_

Then the corners of his lips turn down in a deep frown and he looks right into my eyes. I stare back. You can tell a lot about a person, how they're feeling, by looking into their eyes. And Four looks furious and disappointed, but I don't see the recognition I expected to. I don't think he realized.

I break away from his gaze and focus on my dinner, only half-listening to the chatter of the initiates around me.

Christina leans out toward the middle of the table so she can look past me. "So, Four, what do you think of this living arrangement? Do you like kids?"

"I'm your instructor, Candor, not your friend. What makes you think you can talk to me?"

Christina looks down.

"To answer your question," Four adds coldly, rolling his eyes, "yeah, it's a  _great joy_  to have one of my initiates invading my personal space. I'm  _really_  looking forward to having no peace at  _all_  for the next two months."

"Tris!" I hear a deep voice call out. It takes me just a second to react, to realize that the person is calling out to  _me._  I look up as he calls my name again. "Tris!" Uriah appears behind me his eyes dancing with excitement. "I finally get to meet baby Natty! Wow, she is just as beautiful as her momma, isn't she?! Can I hold her?"

I grin. Uriah just has this cheerful energy to him that lifts my spirits every time I see him. "Of course!" I laugh, standing to hand Natty to him. "Natty, this is Uri, and I'm sure you two will be great friends."

My smile falters a little as Four abruptly begins to gather all his trash onto the tray with choppy, tense movements. He glares at both Uriah and me before he stomps away, out of the dining hall.

Uriah raises his eyebrows.

"Yeah, Four isn't so happy that he has to let Natty and me live with him," I explain. Uri nods and slides into Four's chair, smiling adoringly at the baby. I take my seat next to him.

"Good luck with that," Uri laughs. "Four isn't the friendliest guy I know. He's kind of scary. But he's friends with my brother, Zeke, so he's alright. I'm sure he'll get over it."  _Doubt it,_  I think. Uriah has no idea just how difficult this situation is.

It doesn't matter. It's clear that Four hates me, and the feeling is mutual. We just have to survive these two months together. I'll avoid him as much as I can, and I'm sure he will be doing the same.

"Man, I can't imagine  _Four,_ the Dauntless Prodigy, living with a baby," Uriah chuckles. "Maybe it'll soften him up a bit."

"Dauntless Prodigy?" I ask. Wow, I always thought Tobias- I mean Four- was so well suited for Abnegation, and here he is, apparently a prodigy in the warrior faction. It's another reminder of how wrong I was about him.

Uriah just nods, he doesn't elaborate. He coos over the baby and we both join in the conversation with Will, Christina and Al. Edward and Myra left a few minutes ago. Natty smiles and gurgles at Uri the whole time as he makes funny faces at her, and she giggles when he tickles her chubby little baby belly. Uriah laughs as if he's having the time of his life as Natty pats his face, grabs his nose, and inspects his teeth.

"Oh, Natty, my little buddy…" Uriah looks at Natty very seriously. "I cannot  _wait_  to give you your first taste of Dauntless cake. Speaking of which, let's ask your mom…" He looks at me with his lip jutted out.

"No!" I scold, slapping him playfully on the shoulder. "You most certainly  _will not_  be giving my child cake anytime soon! She's barely five months old!"

We spend the next five minutes arguing about appropriate ages for babies to eat cake. I don't really have any frame of reference, given that cake- even any sort of chocolate, for that matter- is simply too self-indulgent to ever find anywhere within Abnegation. We finally settle the argument with my promise to bring it up with the doctor the next time I bring Natty in for a check-up.

Uriah hands Natty back to me, and she snuggles into my chest, still smiling at her new friend. "I'll be back, Tris, I just want to bring some friends over to meet you," he promises before darting off across the dining hall.

The seat is empty for only seconds before someone else claims it. It's Peter, the rude Candor transfer who called me 'Stiff' earlier. His shiny black hair is perfectly in place and south of his eyebrows, which naturally turn upward, his bright green eyes are round. He looks so kind and innocent; I have a feeling he's the epitome of the saying, "don't judge a book by its cover."

"Can I help you?" I say coldly, hugging Natty a little closer to me. I don't trust this boy.

"I bet you can." Peter smirks. The way he looks at me makes me feel like there are bugs crawling all over me. "I wanted to see if the rumors were true, that baby is really yours, Stiff?"

Once again, my heart begins to pound, panicked that he may be doubting that I am Natalie's real mother. "Of course she's mine," I snap. Peter looks between Natty and me, then he grins. There's something sinister about his smile.

Peter leans forward, so close I can feel his hot breath on my neck. "A rebellious Stiff, huh? Maybe you can  _rebel_  with me later." What the hell?  _Rebel_  with him? Ugh. I'm sure he doesn't actually want to do  _that_ with me- I hope he doesn't. He's a bully, he's teasing me. What a jerk.

Peter winks at me as he gets up and leaves, and the bugs are crawling all over my skin again.

I'm getting tired, it's been a long day. But when Uriah returns with two friends- a bubbly girl named Marlene, who frequently glances at Uriah with a flirtatious smile, and a girl with a shaved head, Lynn, whose demeanor reminds me a bit of Four's- I smile and shake hands, and keep chatting. I am happy to be making friends.

* * *

_**Four POV** _

I read through my "To Do List" in the Single Parent Initiate protocol Max directed me to one more time. I have taken Tris to see the daycare and her baby has been checked for good health by the infirmary. I went by the Dependent Affairs office and submitted a request for a leadership-approved nanny, and I ordered a twin sized bed for Tris and crib for the baby through the Housing Office. It looks like that's all there is to do to set up for training. Still, it's a lot of extra work that I did not anticipate being added to my plate tonight. I would have liked to have a beer with Zeke, but now I'm done running around, I just don't feel like it any more. I'm emotionally exhausted.

As if it wasn't enough to finally see the girl I love- the girl I have spent two years waiting for and missing with every fiber of my being- only to find out that she moved on and had a baby… that she was intimate with  _another man…_  only to find out that I'd have to  _live_  with her and her love child… and then have that awful fight that only fanned the flames of my rage and jealousy… nope, that wasn't enough for one day, it seems.

The damn Candor loudmouths just  _had_  to come sit with me at my table in the dining hall. And Tris just  _had_  to join them. Not only join them- she sat  _right next to me._  Is she trying to rub it in my face and make this as painful as possible for me?! I know the loudmouth Candor asked her to sit there, but couldn't she just say no?

I sigh and drag myself out of the kitchen chair. I had better make room for the new furniture now, since I won't be around to do it tomorrow when it's delivered. My apartment is relatively bare with an open floor plan, but my bed is more toward the middle rather than up against the wall, and there's a plywood dresser across the room from it; the kitchen table and chairs should be fine where they are. I begin rearranging the furniture to ensure that there is room for the bed and crib as far from my own bed as is possible. I don't want them near me. I don't want them here at all. I'd prefer to just forget either of them ever existed.

But that won't be possible.

Nope, here I am rearranging furniture in  _my_  apartment because I apparently can't escape the girl I loved, but now hate… and her kid. My  _entire life_  is being turned upside down for the next two months.

And it isn't just that she lives here,  _and_  will be with me all day, every day during training. To top it all off, she's already friends with Uriah… my best friend's brother. Zeke and Uriah are close, closer than most siblings- as if  _that_  thought didn't just make me feel sick, remembering my short-lived "sibling" relationship with Tris. Usually any party Zeke has, Uriah is there too. Which means that Tris will probably end up running in the same social circles I do. I groan at the thought.

How on earth did she become friends with Uriah so quickly, anyway? When did she confide in him? I don't think there was any opportunity for her to even see him between jumping off the roof and their meeting in the dining hall. Maybe they met on the train… but they just seemed like old friends. Uriah even knew the baby's name! The other initiates were only going off gossip, it was evident she hadn't mentioned her child to any of them.

I have just finished moving the furniture- the last task I needed to complete tonight for Tris's kid- when there's a knock on the door. It seems I can't get a single moment of peace. I sigh and walk to the door with my arms crossed over my chest. When I open it, there stands Tris, a large tote bag slung over one shoulder, the cloth carrier contraption cradling the baby against Tris's chest.

"You live here. You don't have to knock," I snap at her, but quietly. I don't want the baby to wake up, I just want some peace and quiet- something hard to come by in the Dauntless compound.

I explain that the beds will be delivered tomorrow, and after some discussion, it is determined that the baby will need to be in my bed tonight. This means that I have the pleasure of sleeping on the hard floor. The very first night and even my bed has been stolen from me. To her credit, Tris does look uncomfortable with the solution, and apologizes.

Natty has awoken while we were discussing the sleeping arrangements. Tris, after asking permission, lays the quilt from my bed out on the floor and places Natty in the middle of it, on her stomach, then sits next to her, smiling and cooing. Tris looks in the bag and pulls out a small clutch, which she takes straight to the drawer I cleared out for her, and shuts it inside.

"Mamamamama," the love child babbles as Tris opens the bag again and begins to examine its contents.

"Yes, Natty! Mama! That's right, I'm Mama!" She grins proudly and peppers the baby's face with kisses. I roll my eyes. It hurts watching her give affection to this baby, but hate me so completely. I just… wish she was the person I thought she was.

I go about my business around the apartment, tidying up the kitchen and things like that, but I watch Tris out of the corner of my eye. She carefully organizes her baby supplies, counting and appraising the quantities of each, stopping at least once a minute to return Natty to the center of the blanket- the kid's speed is impressive, considering that rolling is her sole means of transportation. Her eyebrows pull together in a frown and her forehead wrinkles as she counts the stack of diapers again and sighs.

I open my mouth to ask what's the matter, but stop myself and close it. She's fine, she's the mom. She can take care of the baby and take responsibility for all this herself. I already have to live with her, and that's bad enough- worse than bad, it's my personal hell. The last thing I need is to start playing surrogate daddy to Tris's love child.

I take my time in the shower; it's my only escape from Tris and that baby in this apartment. I remember to bring clothes in with me, and I gulp as I remember the time that Tris saw me in just a towel and made me explain my erection to her; my cheeks heat up and I groan, wishing I could keep these memories out of my mind.

After brushing my teeth, I return to the living and sleeping part of my apartment. Tris is still fawning over her baby; the blanket is back on the bed, with Natty laying on her back in the middle, and Tris is arranging pillows all along the sides of the bed. I clear my throat so that she'll know that I'm in the room again, I don't want to startle her.

Tris glances at me. "I'm worried she'll fall off the bed. I mean, you saw her rolling earlier, she's fast. I need to babyproof." There's a bit of an edge to her voice- worry, stress. It's so weird seeing her as a mom, but she does seem responsible. I guess it's easy to forget that she's eighteen now, not the sixteen-year-old I left behind.  _She sure has_ grown up  _over the past two years,_ I think sarcastically.

Seeing as Tris apparently needs all the pillows to keep the baby safe, I dig through my dresser- now a bit of a mess, as I lost one of the three drawers to my uninvited guests- and choose my thickest sweatshirt to use as a pillow. Luckily, I do have an extra blanket tucked away in a cupboard. I get to work at setting up a makeshift bed, if you can even call it that, on the stone floor.

"Four?" Tris is turned toward me, one hand pressed to the baby's belly to keep her in place on the bed. Natty's legs kick aimlessly as she babbles and squeals with delight. "Uh… I'm sorry to ask, but please,  _please_ would you watch Natty for me while I take a shower? Just make sure she doesn't roll off the bed, that's all... please?"

Great, now I have to watch the kid. But there's no crib yet, so what else is Tris going to do with her? Tris bites her lip as I sigh to make sure she knows just how irritated I am with this situation. "Fine," I groan. "Be fast."

"I will, I promise! It'll be the fastest shower ever. Thank you so much!" I roll my eyes at her as I sit on the edge and begrudgingly look at the baby as Tris darts across the room and into the bathroom. There's a  _click_  when the door latches shut.

The sound of the shower running creates a dull calming lull. Tris's baby greets me with a toothless grin, and I feel one corner of my mouth twitch. Natty and I stare at each other, and she seems to be trying to start a conversation with me as she babbles nonsense.

The baby is absolutely beautiful, she really does look just like Tris… except for the eyes. Tris's eyes are blue, too, but they're a light grayish-blue. Unfortunately, baby Natalie did not receive Tris's eyes. Natty's eyes are a deep, intense dark blue. I snort; the same memory that surfaced in the dining hall is back again.

_**++o++ Memory ++o++** _

_Beatrice and I stare into each other's eyes, just being together, silently in the dark. Her arms are wrapped around me and she idly traces meaningless shapes on the side of my ribcage while my fingernails lightly scrape up and down her spine over top of her nightdress._

" _I wish it wasn't so dark in here," she suddenly states as she looks intently at my face. In fact, I almost feel a little embarrassed at how she is staring at me, though I know I do the same to her. But she is beautiful, and I am just… me. I am nothing special._

" _Hmm, why's that?" I ask._

_She is staring right into my eyes. When she looks in my eyes I feel like she can see right through me. "Because while you are still unbelievably handsome in the moonlight…" she explains, "I can never get over how stunningly beautiful your blue eyes are. I wish I could really see their color right now."_

_I can't believe she feels this way for me… or even just about my eyes, even if that is the only thing, I feel so happy I could fly. I don't know how I ever became lucky enough to be noticed by someone as beautiful, inside and out, as Beatrice._

_I can't hold myself back a moment longer. I pull her in, close to me, and press my lips hungrily against hers. At first it is passionate, but then the kiss turns tender and sweet. The passion is always there, but Beatrice and I, we are so much more than that._

_**++o++ Memory End ++o++** _

When she told me how much she loved my eyes, I felt so special… but clearly, she found another boy with dark blue eyes like mine to move on with. And every time I look at this baby, it will be a reminder of how little her words meant. I can't believe I thought she truly loved me, that I was special to her, that no one could take my place in her heart.

I was so wrong.

* * *

This sucks.

I have to train initiates at six-thirty tomorrow morning, and need to set up the training room before then. I need some sleep. But here I am at one AM, gritting my teeth while I try to fall asleep on a stone floor… with my ex-girlfriend's love child screaming at the top of her lungs.

I flop from my side to my back with a growl. This situation is so frustrating. How will I survive two months of this?! I see Tris a few yards away, pacing and bouncing Natty.

"Four, I'm so sorry." She bites her lip, looking at me nervously. "She just- I don't know, she's fed and clean and I think she's warm enough… I guess it's just hard for her being in a new place, and maybe the day was too much for her." The look on her face… it makes me want to pull her into a hug. She almost looks panicked.

But then my eyes settle on the crying baby again and all desire to comfort Tris completely dissolves.

Tris switches from bouncing the baby to rocking her back and forth, and she lets Natty suck on her finger. Natty quiets down. "God, I hope she's down for the night. I hope I won't have to find a new place to sleep tomorrow."

She laughs nervously as she climbs into bed with Natty, but the worry in her eyes... I don't think her comment was just a joke. She doesn't seriously think I would kick her out, does she? I'm not going to make her take her child and sleep by the chasm, I'm not a monster.

I make an effort to wipe the scowl off my face as I tell her, "Relax, Tris. Max would have my ass if I threw you out. Now let's  _finally_  go to sleep."

The lamp next to my bed goes dark, and the only sound left is three people breathing. Tris doesn't say goodnight, and neither do I, but I can't help thinking it.

* * *

I am woken by a scream. I don't register the hard floor I was laying on, but I  _know_  that scream. I've heard it a dozen times before. It's Beatrice.

I scramble to my feet without taking any time to let my eyes adjust in the dimly lit room. I stumble forward, toward where my bedroom door should be, to cross the hall to Beatrice's room and help her out of her nightmare.

But everything in here is different than I remember, and there are no walls between us. It finally registers: I am in Dauntless, and Tris is in my apartment. I look down at her, now able to see a bit as she screams, curled up tight in a ball. I am about to wake her and pull her into my arms when I see Tris's baby, miraculously still asleep despite her mother screaming just a foot away.

That baby. The baby Tris had with another man.

I shake my head, it's two-thirty in the morning. I need to just get back to sleep. I won't stay up and comfort her, but I can't leave Tris like this, so I shake her awake, less gently than I used to. She wakes up quicker, but a little more panicked, and I feel a stab of guilt. Still, anger is the more powerful emotion and I have not changed my mind about coddling her. As soon as I see that she has come out of the nightmare, I return to my makeshift cot without looking back. But I can still hear her sniffle.

I stay silently laying on the floor until sleep claims me again.

**++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	16. Training & Making Friends

_**Chapter 16: Training & Making Friends** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old** _

_**Four POV** _

When I wake up, I don't feel much, but the inside of my head is fuzzy, like it's packed with cotton balls. It must be from exhaustion, Tris and her kid kept me awake for most of the night. Who knew that someone so small could make so much noise? It wasn't just the noise, there is something about the pitch and specific sound of a howling child that sends chills up and down my spine.

I wonder if it is that sound that motivates us to drop everything when there is a child in need. Thankfully, Tris was all over it, and working very hard to comfort her baby. I knew that there was nothing I could contribute. I'm really hoping Tris wasn't lying when she said Natty usually sleeps well, and last night was just a fluke. I also hope, for both our sakes, that Tris will not have nightmares every night.

I groan at the pain that shoots up and down my back. Between lying on the stone floor all night and being kept awake, my body is protesting. I know it is very early by the mixture of light and darkness outside the windows. I quietly get off the floor and begin folding my bedding, relieved that the bed and crib will arrive today. I need my bed back.

As I make my way to the bathroom I see Tris lying peacefully on my bed. I am reminded of the times in Abnegation when I'd slip into her room and find her asleep. I remember the anticipation I would feel before waking her, knowing she would smile and welcome me into her embrace. I remember how much we loved each other.

I feel a sharp pang in my heart, I close my eyes and imagine waking her again. To confess my love for her, to tell her the truth behind what I did. What I did to her. A tiny gurgle grabs my attention, my eyes roam to the small infant sleeping soundly next to its mother. No. The girl that I loved is gone. If I am honest with myself, the boy she once loved is probably gone too.

Tris is who she is, and I am no longer interested in her. She was someone I put on a pedestal. I didn't really know her. My memory of what we had was just an illusion. The proof of that is the small baby lying next to her on the bed, the life she created with someone else.

Beatrice Prior was never really mine. I was just a short chapter in her love life. A boring chapter, at that.

I'm done, just like she is.

* * *

I charge through the empty halls, it is a walk I have made many times before. One of my favorite parts of being an initiation instructor is access to the vial I have hidden in my pocket. Many refer to me as the Dauntless Prodigy…which is a name I hate. It follows me everywhere. You'd think it would be flattering, but the glory does not outweigh the burden. The pressure that follows me, the presumed competition regarding everything I do. Dauntless breeds competition and therefore envy.

I am desperate to run through my Fear Landscape again. My name is now Four, because I only have four fears. Which is unheard of; most people have between ten to fifteen fears.

Tris is back, have my fears changed? I need to find out, and I need to do it now. That's why I am walking through the halls at almost five in the morning. Once I arrive to the Fear Landscape room I quickly set up, my movements swift and purposeful.

I ease the tip of the needle into the tender skin on the side of my neck. A deep ache spreads through my throat. I wait the minute needed for the fear serum to take effect.

**o++o+ Four's Fear Landscape +o++o**

I am in my own personal hell. It feels like I am trapped in a dream, yet I am unable to wake myself up. I feel the trademark symptoms of fear: sweaty palms, racing heart, tightness in my chest, dry mouth, a lump in my throat, difficulty breathing.

Then it begins.

_Fear 1: Heights._

_The simulation has me elevated above the ground. I am walking high across the city of Chicago on a tight-rope made of wire. My stomach does flips as a terror rips through me. Suddenly I am falling with no end in sight._

_Fear 2: Confinement_

_Something solid hits my back, then the right and left sides of my body. The space is so narrow, I groan in agony. It gets tighter and tighter. I close my eyes and let the horror wash over me._

_Fear 3: Marcus_

_A dark figure moves around me, creeping along the edge of the circle of light, waiting for me. Always waiting. A man emerges, tall and slim, his hair cut close to the scalp, his hands hidden behind his back. He wears the gray clothes of the Abnegation._

_As he walks towards me, I slowly inch back, unable to overcome my cowardice. My father shows me his hands, a belt curled around one of his fists. As though taunting me, he slowly unwinds it from his fingers._

" _This is for your own good," he says, and his voice echoes a dozen times. He steps closer into the circle of light, holding the same belt, with a blank expression._

_When Marcus blinks again, his eyes turn into empty, black pits. The belts slither along the floor. A shiver crawls up my spine. I feel as though I am nine years old again. Weak, pathetic, and terrified. My posture sags; Marcus yanks his arm back, the belt sailing over his shoulder. I shrink back to protect my face from the first strike._

_It is no use. It continues, strike after strike, each more painful than the one before._

_He owns me. He always will._

_Fear 4: Killing Tris_

" _Stop, please just stop!" Tris cries. Her voice is hoarse from yelling, eyes rimmed with red from crying. Blood streams from her nose, her cheek already swelling although I had just hit her moments earlier._

_I step forward, intruding on her personal space again, and she backs away. She looks terrified. "Tobias, I can't take much more of this!" she weeps._

_I feel a coldness wash over me. No. No, I will never let her leave me. She is mine, she belongs to me._

" _What are you saying, Tris?" I hiss._

_Her eyes widen in terror, she bites her lip and nods her head vigorously trying to deny it. We both know what her mistake was. She is going to leave me...she thinks she is going to leave._

_I grip her upper arms and shake her like a rag doll. She doesn't even yell or fight back._

_She was already broken long ago._

_I push her through the bedroom window, her small frame crashing through the glass. I calmly look outside where her broken body lays on the ground many floors down, limbs resting at odd, unnatural angles._

_Now, she will never leave me._

_This was all her fault._

_**o++o+ Fear Landscape End +o++o** _

I am huddled on the floor of this room, shaking and trembling. I feel like I am going to be sick and lose the contents of my stomach all over the floor. You'd think I'd be used to this already, but it never becomes routine. Although just four fears, they terrorize me to my core.

Nothing has changed. My four fears are exactly as they have always been since I first arrived here. Although I now realize that Marcus was manipulating me, that deep seated fear of becoming the monster my father told me I was destined to be has not completely disappeared. I wanted to believe that I could overcome it, that with Tris's help…she would help me. I wanted to tell her everything.

It doesn't matter. She doesn't matter, not anymore. She is an initiate, just like the rest. I will be fair and prepare her well for a life in Dauntless.

I take a quick shower in the initiation instructors training room before rushing to the cafeteria. The halls are no longer empty as the morning rush has started. I sigh realizing that there is even a line now to get my breakfast; I was hoping it was early enough to beat the crowd. Normally I would make my own coffee and toast in  _my apartment_  but I don't want to spend more time than necessary with Tris and the love child today.

Lost in my own thoughts, I am tapped on the shoulder by a man who looks a little older than me. He nods towards the moving line to let me know that I need to keep walking. The first thing I notice is how dark blue his eyes are. They are a shade almost exactly like mine.

Exactly like the love child's as well.

Maybe Tris lied to everyone, maybe the father is not some dead factionless man. Maybe it is someone who is already here, and they are waiting to-

Ugh. I'm being absolutely ridiculous. So what?! Yes, my eyes, this random guy's eyes, Natty's eyes are all dark blue. It's not as if they are 'glow-in-the-dark' unique. Yeah, I have blue eyes that are dark. So do a lot of people in this city.

And apparently so does a man Tris loved who used to live in Factionless.

After quickly eating my toast and with my coffee in hand, I rush back to my apartment. I always take great joy in waking my initiates in the early morning hours, by tormenting them with noise. The disruption to their sense of the  _expected_  is a key part of their Dauntless training. It's also comical to watch. As Tris and her baby are sleeping in my apartment she will get the advantage of missing out on the frenzied morning rush I have planned. There is no avoiding it, she has to get her kid to daycare and then catch up with us.

I unlock the door to the apartment and charge in. Yeah,  _now_  that kid is sleeping soundly. She hasn't moved an inch since I left the apartment almost two hours ago.

Typical.

I roughly wake Tris up and remove my hand away as soon as she is alert.

"It's day one of training, no time to mess around. Get your kid to daycare. You need to meet me and your peers outside of the training room at six-thirty am. It's six now, you'd better hustle," I say with a scowl when she looks annoyed when I mention it is already six am.

What am I, her assistant?

"Is there an issue,  _Tris?"_ I hiss, emphasizing her name as though even saying it stings my tongue.

"No, Four," she mumbles as she is now out of bed and first rushing to get the baby's bag together.

It crosses my mind to offer to help her, the Abnegation in me. Thankfully I catch myself, there will be none of that crap.

"Don't be late. You will look bad, to everyone," I call over my shoulder as I quietly shut the apartment door behind me.

* * *

_**Tris POV** _

He is something else. I stand for a moment, staring at the door he just shut behind him. Four was cold and aloof. I don't know why I am surprised, but I am. I am still trying to wrap my mind around this new life, this situation I find myself in.

I then realize that I need to hurry if I am going to make it to my first day of initiation on time. I need to hurry and wake Natty.

After changing the baby's diaper and putting a new outfit on her I strap her into my cloth carrier and run out the door. I am doing well on time as I hustle through the halls. It seems that many of the Dauntless are not morning people. The hallways are almost empty at this time. I smile to myself, enjoying every difference from my old faction that I notice.

As I run into the reception area of the daycare, I spot Diana and make a beeline for her.

"Diana! I am in such a rush, I am so very sorry. I promise tomorrow I will make sure to wake up sooner and get here early enough to meet everyone and walk through again. But I have to run, or I'll be late for my first initiation activity," I say breathlessly.

Diana is busy smiling and cooing at Natty and she grabs my diaper bag and slips Natty right out of the carrier. I force myself not to shudder at how close Diana gets to my chest as she scoops the baby out. I remind myself that I am not in Abnegation anymore. Dauntless doesn't obsess over personal space as I was raised to do.

"Tris, don't worry about a thing! We are going to have a wonderful day." She then smiles mischievously. "If there is any issue whatsoever, I will  _personally_  find Four and alert him. So that he can release you from training, of course."

It's too early in the morning for me to have to deal with this. I don't need another reminder of how  _hot_  and  _desired_  Four is. But I force a smile anyway. As I am about to turn and run, now irritated, Diana flags me down again.

"Oh, Tris, I was thinking… it is silly for you to lug the baby around while you are doing errands. I want you to know I have no issue with Natty staying a little longer or coming a little earlier if it will help you get things done. I am not going to start counting minutes with you." She blushes. "Please, just don't tell Four. Ok?"

I instantly feel bad for being annoyed earlier, that was a very kind offer. "Not a word, and thank you. I promise not to take advantage."

"On that note, would you mind leaving Natty with us until closing today? One of her teachers is off today, but she wanted to swing by and meet her. Unfortunately, she can't make it until the very end of the day," Diana asks.

"Um, sure. That sounds really nice, that her teacher wants to meet and will even come in on her day off," I say.

Diana smiles and tells me how wonderful Natty's teachers are. I thank her and then remind her that I need to leave.

"Oh, Tris?" Diana calls for me as she is looking through Natty's diaper bag. "It looks like you are almost out of diapers and wipes for Natty. Please make sure you fill the bag for tomorrow. We will take care of it for today. The supply requirements were listed on the sheet I gave you yesterday. I can get you another one if you need it."

My face falls. Of course I read that sheet. I just don't  _have_ the diapers or the wipes, and I have no idea how I am supposed to buy more. I feel sick, I can't even provide for my own child. I nod my head, and then turn and run towards the training room.

I will need to figure something out. Somehow.

* * *

I breathe a sigh of relief when I make it to the training room by 6:25am. I made it with time to spare. While I wait, I lean against the wall and catch my breath.

As Four promised the rest of my initiation class arrives at 6:30am, not a minute late, not a minute early. Four is scowling at all of them, he doesn't even acknowledge me as he swings the door open and barks for everyone to follow him. I frown. It's like I don't even exist to him.

_Stop it, Tris._  He is only my instructor. That is all.

As I get in line to file into the training room I notice the way that Peter looks me up and down. I wonder if he thinks I am getting ahead because of my living situation with Four. Which could not be further from the truth. I remind myself that Peter was not at the table when Christina got schooled, and Four expressed his displeasure with our situation. I shake it off and ignore him.

As Al and Will pair off to warm up, Christina smiles and pulls me to an open spot so we can work together.

"So, how was night one with Four?" she asks quietly, looking over her shoulder to make sure that Four is not standing anywhere near us. I can tell she has a healthy fear of him.

I sigh. "It wasn't pleasant. I feel really bad, the baby cried a lot…I think she was just freaked out be in a new place."

"Ouch, that's rough. Well…hopefully tonight will be better," she says.

"Yeah, I hope so," I say.

"Bring it in!" Four bellows from across the room. He has set up punching bags and walks to one so he can demonstrate proper technique for punches. I watch him intently. My mother did a great job teaching me, but I can admit that Four looks incredible as he executes the moves. I glare at my feet. He is exceptional, it makes me feel like less. He won't even look at me.

As Four is working through his moves, all eyes are on him. He tells us next we will each be practicing on our own bag, so we had better pay attention now.

"Hey, Tris. You are looking lovely this morning," Peter whispers in my ear.

My back instantly straightens, I hate how close to me he is standing. I ignore him and take a step to my left. There is no room to move forward as Edward and Myra are standing in front of me.

Peter leans in again. "Come on, you have a baby. Let's not pretend you don't put out. I just want to enjoy a piece." He slowly runs his fingers up my spine, starting at my lower back.

I flinch and jump. No one has ever spoken to me that way in my entire life. My cheeks are flaming red. I need to get away from this guy, I don't care if it draws attention to me. I walk briskly across the room and move to the edge of the group. I am so uncomfortable that I can no longer watch or concentrate on Four's demonstration. I calm myself to keep from running out of the room by staring at my feet.

"Tris! Am I boring you?!" Four shouts at me. All eyes are on me when I look up from the floor, everyone saw that I was not watching our instructor. My face is still red from dealing with Peter.

I apologize meekly and force myself to look at Four. His eyes are cold and a scowl forms after he is done yelling. I don't meet his gaze for more than a second. I can't look at him right now. He would probably cheer Peter on for treating me like a slut; that's basically what Four thinks I am now.

Four turns back to the lesson, his back straight. His movements are smooth and purposeful. It's as if he hadn't just scolded me mere seconds ago. I breathe deeply in and then out. I need to remember why I am here.

Getting through initiation is not only important for me, but for Natty. I have to be smart; I cannot let Peter or Four tear me down. I didn't escape Marcus to come here and let these jerks ruin things. I have been to hell and back. I've got this.

As we each stand in front of our own punching bag, I take a quick look around me. I made sure to pick a bag as far away from Peter as possible. He completely ignored me after Four scolded me, as though he hadn't said those things to me at all.

I take a moment to remember Mother and all of the training she gave me regarding hand to hand combat. I know how to punch and block, she trained me well.

She told me accept myself for who I am, the way I am built. Although I may never have brute strength, I am fast. I have been working on my stamina for over a year now. She had been so proud of me and all the progress I had made. I was fast and fit. Even after she…was gone, I worked in training any chance I could. When I would sneak out to visit Natty during the late night I would run interval sprints and other nights a steady pace for the entire run to Factionless.

Mother also warned me that I need to hide my skills.

I am careful to follow that advice. I don't allow myself to be the worst, but I also hold back and let many of the others shine.

Mother warned me to wait for my "instructors" to teach me. Mother told me that Dauntless was a proud group, almost the opposite of Abnegation. She warned me that any instructor I would have, would not like that I was as good as I was…without their training. Ha! I can't believe the irony, who ever imagined that her beloved stepson would be that instructor. The boy who abandoned us.

I can actually live with the break up. It was stupid on my part to give him so much of myself. I gave him so much, emotionally and physically. For a moment I feel a pang…I regret that such an important part of my life, was something I never discussed with Mother. Previously I was relieved she didn't know, especially grateful that Marcus didn't find out. I can't fathom what horrific consequences I would have faced. I shudder realizing aside from her likely disappointment, Marcus would have punished Mother as well.

Things for me have changed. I've changed. Not only am I older, but as a young woman raising a daughter of my own, I'm now navigating my life with a past that can't be ignored. Tobias and Dauntless. I would give anything to still have  _my mother_ with me to guide me and comfort me. She is gone and now; I never will have the chance. I hate that my Mother died with so many secrets still between us.

I hate that my mother died. Period.

That is the part that I can't live with. He knew, he must have known deep down what a vile monster his  _own father_  was. I was naïve to believe Tobias's lies that we would be safe.

_Punch._

I think about the day of his Choosing Ceremony, exactly two years ago yesterday.

_Punch._

I remember barely pulling myself together before Mother and Marcus returned. I was completely heartbroken and shell shocked at the same time.

_Punch. Punch._

I remember Mother's frantic tone, the look on her face as she quickly warned me to be good. Her words ring in my ear now, I still remember that moment so vividly.

" _You must be quiet, you must behave yourself."_

_Punch. Punch._

I wonder what happened on their walk back from the choosing ceremony.

_Punch._

I breathe in and out to not only calm myself, but also in tune with my punches. I channel the rage I feel over what Tobias did to us.

_Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch._

That blue sculpture that his dead mother gave him in secret. I scoff thinking about how special it must have been to him, since he just left it behind like it was meaningless garbage.

Eh, gift from a dead parent versus having one last final act of rebellion to rub in Marcus's face. No contest I suppose. He left the sculpture on top of his dresser for Marcus to see…to antagonize him…to goad him.

_Punch._

My mother

_Punch._

paid

_Punch._

the

_Punch._

price.

While he was safely out of Marcus's reach!

I punch and then throw a swift kick knocking the bag forcibly. It was that or scream out loud.

"What the hell, Tris," Tobias hisses in my ear. I am stunned that he is standing right next to me, his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. I instantly freeze, realizing my mistake immediately. How long has he been standing there? I forgot where I was, and who I am supposed to be.

A transfer from Abnegation that has no combat skills.

I immediately freeze and drop my arms. I stare at the punching bag, this was not a smart move on my part

"Yes, sir?" I say meekly while staring down, hoping to distract him in some way.

"Cut the crap,  _Tris._  I have been watching you for several minutes. How the hell do you know how to make those punches?! And that round about kick! I didn't demonstrate that today," he hisses. "Explain yourself."

I suddenly feel angry. Mother warned me about the Dauntless ego, but Tobias was not raised here. It sickens me how much he has changed, and not for the better!

I turn my body to face him and stare straight into his eyes. I even take one step closer to him. He frowns and steps back, as though the thought of being close to me repulses him.

"It must be because  _you_ are such a wonderful teacher,  _Four."_ My voice drips with sarcasm as my eyes glare at him.

He scowls and quickly walks away from me, as though I am no longer worth his time.

I look around the room. All of the other initiates are either concentrating on their own punches or exchanging banter with each other. No one seems to have noticed my mistake. I resume my punching exercises, this time making it a point to hide my strength and technique.

* * *

It has been a long day, as we do our final cool down run I smile thinking about how well I did today. It is not a pride over my skills, it is because I appreciate what a wonderful job Mother did. She changed my life, I can't imagine having made it through today had I tried this with zero practice behind me. I am sure I would have survived, but I am guessing it would have been very painful.

"Hey! You seem happy, aren't you exhausted yet?!" Christina asks me as she runs next to me, signaling for me to slow down so she can keep up. I immediately do, and pretend that I have a side cramp from running.

"Yeah right! I am a mess, today was brutal!" I reply while jogging. I notice that Myra and a couple of others are still running behind us.

"So, if you can swing it…before you get Natty from daycare, will you please please go shopping with me?! It's really important," Christina exclaims.

I chuckle, "Well, normally I would need to say no because Four has made it very clear I need to get her from daycare the moment training is over." Christina huffs, her face falling. "But…today is special because the daycare asked me to leave Natty until six thirty, because the baby needs to meet her new teacher. So, yes!" I finish.

"Wahoooo!" Christina bellows happily. She looks at me and laughs.

Four and Eric look over at hearing her loud noise. Eric turns away as though bored, he probably realized there was nothing bad happening. How boring for him.

Four, on the other hand, meets my eyes and then rolls his eyes. I hate him so much.

* * *

"Christina! I said no!" I laugh uncomfortably. This girl is crazy if she thinks I am going to wear that tight shirt. It looks more like a bra. I can't even imagine wearing that on my wedding night.

People already think I am a slut, I don't need to add fuel to the flame.

"Ugh, fine. This one was a  _little_ too much. But you are getting new clothes. You need to blend in, we are in Dauntless now," she scolds me while handing me a different set of clothes. "Here, the first outfit was my reach-goal. But these are just fine, they should even work for your delicate sensibilities. Try them on!"

I try on all the clothes and although they feel so strange to me, I like them. She is right, I want to blend in here. I want to feel like I belong.

I buy two pairs of pants and four tops. I will be able to mix and match in order to get many uses out of them. I then remember that I need to buy Natty diapers and wipes, preferably tonight. The points I am using to buy my clothes were specifically designated for initiates to buy clothing. Black clothing.

But I am desperate to get the baby what she needs. I quietly ask the saleswoman if these points will work at the Dauntless pharmacy. She looks over my account and tells me they will. She also warns me that my balance is low. I nod while biting my lip.

She smiles at me and offers to return one of my tops, she would put the points directly back on my card. I smile at her and nod, the relief evident on my face.

The saleswoman tells me which of the four tops she didn't like on me. I laugh at her bluntness, but remind myself where I am. I can't even imagine someone in Abnegation saying that.

Christina is still trying on clothes; her parents were able to transfer money to buffer her account. She is going to buy out half the store. I smile and look at my watch, it is already six-ten pm.

"Chris, I need to run. I have to stop by the pharmacy and get the baby some things," I say while standing up.

With her hands on her hips, Christina demands I change into one of my new outfits and tells me she needs to go to the pharmacy as well.

Once there I quickly calculate how many diapers and wipes I can buy with the points left on my account. I also need to buy formula for the apartment. Thankfully all food for the kids are covered by the Dauntless Daycare. The baby will always eat well. But I need to worry about night time.

When Christina approaches me waving makeup at me, I fight to not roll my eyes. Her makeup is  _amazing_ , but I am trying to buy my daughter necessities. I don't have a single point to spare. As I get ready to tell Christina no, she surprises me.

"I heard you figuring out how many diapers you could buy with the points you had left. I know you are not going to buy makeup. Here is my offer: let me apply some minimal makeup to you right now….and you will get to keep the lipstick and eyeliner as my gift to you." She smiles brightly.

My mouth falls open in shock. I wasn't expecting that.

"I will take that as a yes." She drags me to a seat that has a mirror next to it. "Let's do this!"

My eyes were blue before, but a dull greyish blue. The eyeliner makes them piercing. I look different…dare I say, I even look good.

"See?" she says. "You're striking."

"Thank you, Christina. I mean…this was so kind of you," I say.

She laughs and tells me I had better hurry if I want to get the baby before the daycare closes.

As I am running out of the store she reminds me that she will be saving a seat for Natty and me in the cafeteria.

As I run through the halls with my small bag of clothes and large bag of baby supplies, I think about how much I love it here.

I am looking forward to raising my daughter here. I want her to be strong and kind.

Just like our Mother.

* * *

As I sit down at the table with my friends I smile at the silly catcalls Christina does; of course Will and Al politely join in. I can tell it is not meant in a suggestive way when they say it. Christina is then sure to tell the entire table that she gave me a makeover. Myra smiles and asks if Christina can help her, Edward is not at the table when she says this. She whispers something into Chris's ear that makes her laugh loudly. Myra blushes.

I smile watching their exchange, it has been a good day. As I pull Natty out of the front carrier and hand her to Chris while I get situated, I feel the hair on the back of my neck prickle.

I quickly look around the room and catch Four staring at me intently, his expression unreadable. He is far enough away that he wouldn't be able to hear the table's conversations…well, maybe Christina's loud catcalling. When he sees that I am now looking at him, his eyes narrow and he gives me a sour look.

My cheeks immediately flush and I look away. I sit down without looking back in his direction.

At our table is Uriah, Christina, Lynn, Will, Al and Marlene. Myra and Edward left dinner to have some alone time. As I eat my food with one hand while holding Natty, I see that she is falling asleep at the table. Of course she is sleepy, she kept me awake most of the night. I bounce her on my knee to wake her up.

The baby gasps as though startled.

"Tris! What are you doing to my sweetheart?" Uriah says teasingly, but I see the concern on his face.

Yeah, well, he wasn't the one up for hours last night. That was me…and Four.

I sigh before explaining. "Natty is an awesome baby…but last night she howled for hours. So not only are we both tired today…Four was not pleased at all. I don't blame him, of course. Anyway, I need to keep her awake until her actual bed time."

Everyone nods with understanding.

"Wow, I can't imagine that ogre being nice about a crying baby all night long. I hope everything is ok, Tris?" Al says, looking concerned.

I clear my throat and catch myself, I was moments away from  _defending Four_. As though on instinct. Of course I will be honest, but I don't need to rip Al's head off on Four's account.

"He handled it well, very instructor-professional like, but I still don't want a repeat tonight."

Everyone nods, after a quick discussion on how the living situation is hard for all of us we talk about the bright side – initiation will be over in less than two months.

I smile as I eat my food and keep Natty awake.

* * *

Why?!

Why, Natty, why?

It is one in the morning and the baby is wide awake. She wants to be held and walked around the room. I am so tired I had to place her in the carrier for fear that I may drop her.

When I got home I immediately noticed my twin bed and Natty's crib in the far side of the room. I laughed to myself when I saw that Four couldn't have found a spot further away from his bed, unless he put us out on the balcony.

I think about the envelope with my name on it that was sitting on the kitchen counter. For a moment I thought Four had left me a note. Instead, it contained instructions and a resume for the nanny who was assigned to us; her name is Monica and she has a long list of pertinent job experience. Maybe she'll be willing to give me some parenting tips. The envelope also laid out the guidelines of when to use the nanny versus the daycare.

At two in the morning Natty finally falls into a deep sleep. I watch her lay happily in her new crib- but not for long, as I am exhausted and need to sleep myself.

As I turn off all the lights and look at Four's empty bed I shrug my shoulders. I don't think he is coming home tonight. I push away the feeling that threatened to creep over me. Disappointment?

The important thing I realize, we are not friends. He is under no obligation to check in with me, just like I don't have to check in with him. Not that I am going anywhere at night…

Besides, maybe he just wanted to sleep somewhere he knew he would get a good night's rest.


	17. Nanny and Nights

_**Chapter 17: Nanny and Nights** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old** _

_**Tris POV** _

I pace myself as we run our laps. I no longer need to hold back on showing my athletic ability as I needed to in the first few days of training, but I prefer to keep my distance from Peter and his snide, suggestive remarks.

We are now a week into initiation and even with all my work in advance of the Choosing Day, training has challenged me. The first few days were especially exhausting after being up late trying to calm Natty down to sleep, but now she and I are both adjusting well to life at Dauntless. Natty is sleeping much better and adores her daycare teachers, and I have found that while sometimes a little blunt and abrasive, Diana, the daycare director, is really overall a kind and well-meaning woman. I have especially appreciated the flexibility she has offered me, though I am very conscious not to take advantage.

Diana still occasionally asks about Four, and it still irritates me every time. I have seen a lot less of him than I had expected to. In training, he continues to be the harsh instructor, driving us to the breaking point and showing us no sympathy, and it's quite clear that I am just another initiate to him. I don't know why I would have expected any different; he was clear enough two years ago before he left me, I am nothing to him. At night, though, I rarely see him. He has not come home the past five nights in a row, and neither of us has said a word about it. I don't know where he is sleeping; probably hooking up with a different Dauntless slut every night.

Three laps to go. Will and Al lag several yards behind me, and Christina a few more yards behind them. They are the only transfers I have connected with much; Edward and Myra are nice, too, but very much a couple, so they spend less time with the rest of us.

On days that I have training, Natty is left at daycare during lunch. It would be very disruptive for her to be taken out to eat with me and then returned. A couple of days ago Christina convinced Will, Al and me to visit the tattoo parlour instead of the cafeteria. I went just to enjoy their company.

The moment I laid eyes on the tattoo design of a raven I knew I wanted to get a marking that would represent my family, all I have I lost and I have gained with Natty. I get three ravens across my collarbone, flying towards my heart. When I sat down I had intended to get four ravens together, for my parents and two siblings.

And then I thought about Natty's little face. She is not my sister. She is my child now. I asked for the fourth raven to be inked onto the inside of my right wrist, signifying that I would use my hands to defend her until my dying day. I will always fight for her. I will never let  _anyone_  find out that Natty is biologically my sister rather than my daughter. I would have to trust that person implicitly, at a level I am not sure I can ever trust in  _anyone._   _Ever._

The truth is, I am all too aware that in the eyes of the law… I  _kidnapped_  Natty. Marcus has not been convicted of anything, and  _I stole his baby._  Even with the photo evidence of Mother's injuries, I cannot be certain that any part of a legal battle would go my way. If the wrong person got wind of Natty's true parentage, it's very likely that she would be given back to Marcus… and I would live out the rest of her childhood tucked away behind bars, where I could do absolutely nothing to help and protect her. I have no choice but bear the weight of this secret entirely on my own. Even from my friends, no matter how trustworthy they might seem; even from Four, despite the fact that she is his sister, too. After how he treated me on his choosing day, Four no longer deserves my trust, and he hasn't done anything since I arrived at Dauntless to convince me otherwise.

I glance at the raven on my wrist, turning my thoughts away from my secret fears and back toward the day I got my tattoos, with my friends. My friendships here are not like what Tobias and I had in Abnegation- I mean, of course, outside of the romantic aspect, we were friends first and foremost. These new friendships don't have the depth that friendship had- or that I had believed it had- but already, my friendships with my fellow initiates are so much more than what I had with Susan and Robert, even by the end of my time living with them. It is difficult to really get to know someone and form a real friendship when it is considered selfish to talk (or even think) much about yourself. While I am still sometimes taken aback by Christina's bluntness, I appreciate that the other effect of having grown up in Candor is that she is easy to get to know. It is so different from my friendships with my fellow Abnegation.

Even with my own family, it was really only after we lost Father and Caleb that I truly started to get to know my own mother. With me, she turned her back on the expectations of Abnegation and gave me the chance to know her as a person, and even my father as well, through her stories. She died too soon, but I will always treasure those stories and memories; most Abnegation never get that chance with their loved ones.

Here in Dauntless, though, I can make real friends. Besides Christina, Will, and Al, I also have my Dauntless-born friends, thanks to Uriah. He has grown up best friends with Marlene and Lynn, and with Uriah's enthusiastic recommendation, the two girls have accepted me easily as well. Everyone is also taken with baby Natty, especially Uriah.

Uriah absolutely  _dotes_  on Natty. In retrospect, I should have expected him to be great with kids, but in real time, I was amazed. And Natty adores him, too. I think she spends more time in his lap than in mine during meals, and he all the while flashes me those bright white grins of his. He has the kind of smile that makes me think that he has probably always been that handsome. Only boys who have been handsome from a young age have that arrogance in their smiles. He is easy to be with, and kind and fun, but lately I worry that he may be starting to like me as more than a friend. I hope I'm wrong. I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. I need to focus on Natty and on making it through Dauntless initiation. I'll have to be sure to talk with him about our friendship- and about how it can  _only_  be friendship- as soon as I can. As we run by the Dauntless-born initiates group, I catch Uriah's attention and stop for a moment to ask if we can break away to talk alone during lunch today. The way his face lights up makes only makes me think that my suspicions may be correct.

After finishing our warm-up laps, we take a minute to stretch as Four sets out guns on the table. Lauren, the Dauntless-born initiation instructor, smiles at him flirtatiously as she retrieves a few more punching bags from the storage closet for her group. I'm near enough that it's hard to miss their conversation.

After a few pleasantries, she croons, "I got a new tattoo yesterday."

"Oh yeah?" Four replies, leaning against the table. "What was it?"

Lauren smirks. "Well, I'd rather show you." Four just nods, encouraging her to show him. Lauren takes a step closer to Four so that there is less than a foot between them. She leans in.

"The thing is," Lauren continues, "it's somewhere I can't show you  _here._  We'd need a little more… privacy. Maybe you can come over to see it later." Then she winks, and I feel myself tense at her words and demeanor.

Four glances at the initiates near him, and I'm sure I'm only imagining it when his eyes linger on me a little longer than the others. "You know how eager I always am for those  _private moments_ ," he mutters. He has long been painfully clear that this was what he wanted when he came here. I hate having to hear about it, though. It makes me sick to my stomach. Seeing the way women throw themselves at him, and especially hearing him respond like that, is like a punch in the gut, just as it was when he was breaking up with me more than two years ago. I have to quickly walk away, using the excuse of a water break. The hurt I feel surprises me, I mentally chastise myself for my weakness.  _Tobias_  is no more. I can't let this hurt me. Not anymore.  _Four_  isn't worth my pain.

We practice with guns all morning, same as we did a few days ago. The brief training I did at last year's Visiting Day with Uriah benefited me a lot, and I found target practice fun and relatively easy from the start. Today I am hitting the bullseye for most of my shots, and when I don't, I'm not far off.

As we are putting away the guns for lunch, Four approaches me to let me know that he and I must be at his apartment for a meeting during our lunch break, and that I am instructed to pull the baby out of daycare for the meeting. I nod to confirm that I understood his instructions and finish putting away my weapon before catching Christina and Will, who are about to leave for the dining hall. Four is busying himself with some sort of clean-up from the morning activities just a few yards away, but I don't acknowledge him.

"Ready to go, Tris?" Will asks with a smile.

I sigh and shake my head. "You two are going to have to go on without me. It turns out I have a meeting at home regarding the baby and will have to miss lunch for it- in fact, I had better rush to the daycare now. But can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, of course, Tris," Christina agrees. "What do you need?"

"Well, I was supposed to meet up with Uriah and eat lunch together. Obviously I can't be there," I tell her. "Would you let him know for me? I don't want him to think I stood him up. Ask him if we can reschedule for dinner, please."

"Oh, I sure will." Christina smirks knowingly. It seems that I am not the only one who has noticed that Uriah might be interested in more than just a friendship with me.

I let it go and thank her one more time. When I finally turn to acknowledge Four, he wears a scowl even deeper than usual. He looks especially irritated. I know he was near enough to hear the whole conversation and for a second, I wonder if he's jealous.

But then he clears up my confusion over his bad mood. "Hurry up," he demands. "I'm already losing my lunch because of  _you_  and  _your kid._ " Of course it's not jealousy. Just his usual loathing of Natty and me. I cringe. I don't know why his callous attitude still catches me off guard; this is the new Four, this is just the way he is. Well, screw him, then.

Fifteen minutes later, I arrive at Four's apartment with Natty on my hip. Four is in the kitchen making something for lunch, and I am surprised when he offers to make me something as well. I smile and thank him.

I have barely been able to lay out a blanket on the floor and set Natty down before we hear a knock at the door. I start to get up from the floor but Four leaves the sandwiches he was making in the kitchen and waves me off as he goes to answer it, so I play with Natty for another moment.

The woman who Four welcomes into the apartment is probably a few years older than Mother was. Her light brown hair is cut short, and she wears a kind smile. I get up from my spot on Natty's blanket and cross the room with my hand outstretched to shake her hand, the typical Dauntless greeting. I wonder if I will ever get used to shaking hands; it feels awkward to me, unsure whether my grip is too firm or too weak, how many times to shake. If my handshake is terrible, though, she doesn't let on.

The nanny introduces herself as Monica, and she wastes no time getting right down on the floor with Natty. I settle back in my spot on the blanket, Monica sitting on Natty's other side shaking a toy at her, and after making sure that Monica is comfortable, Four sits in a chair, separate from the rest of us, but near enough to listen and to join in the conversation when necessary.

After interacting with Natty for a minute, Monica looks up at me. "Well, she is just beautiful and seems to have a very sweet temperament," Monica tells me with a genuine smile. "I can see that she is well cared for; you are doing very well, Tris." I smile with pride and thank her.

"Can we get to business?" Four demands, looking bored. "We need to get back to training before long."

Monica ignores his rude tone and amicably responds, "Of course, Four." Then she looks at me. "Well, as you surely read in the guidelines you were given, during regular training hours you will bring Natty to the Dauntless Daycare. Sometimes there will be evening initiation activities that you must attend, and that is when I will be taking care of Natty." She goes on to remind me that unless I were to pay her with my own personal points- I don't mention that I have almost none, anyway- she is just for required activities for initiation, not for my social life. I can tell by the way she says it that she's only reciting what she must; she does not believe I would take advantage, anyway.

"Most of the time," Monica continues, "I will care for her at my home. There are some occasions- my husband's poker night at our home, for example- in which I would need to watch the baby here, at your home."

Four clears his throat. "This is just a temporary living situation for Tris and the baby. So, I just want to be clear, especially if the baby will sometimes be watched here, that I am not responsible for the baby's care. At all. In  _any_  way." He even raises his hands up in front of his face, and adds, "Also, I don't do diapers. Ever." I can't help rolling my eyes, and must remind myself,  _once again,_  that this is the new "Four", Dauntless prodigy, asshole extraordinaire.

But he's not done. "If you can keep the baby at your place and out of my way  _whenever possible,_  that would be great, Monica."

Monica seems unphased. I just roll my eyes and shrug, and flash her an obviously fake smile.

But I won't let him get to me. I won't give him the satisfaction.

* * *

_**Four POV** _

I come straight home after training finishes for the day. Natty's blanket is still on the floor; when Monica left, Tris was in a hurry to get the baby back to daycare, and I had to get back to the training room to set up for the afternoon. I don't bother to pick it up; Tris and Natty should be back in a few minutes anyway, so the blanket will be in use again soon.

I get straight to work unpacking my backpack, taking out yesterday's clothes and tossing them into the basket of dirty laundry. I haven't been sleeping here most nights. Last week, I begged Zeke to let me crash at his place, telling him that the baby keeps me up all night. A couple of days ago Tris pulled me aside at training to inform me that Natty had started sleeping well at night. I just nodded, still not wanting to sleep there. So at first it wasn't a lie- Natty really did have a hard time adjusting those first few nights- but now that she is a sound sleeper, just as Tris said she would be, I have let Zeke believe otherwise, giving vague non-answers when he asks.

The truth is, I just don't want to be here with them. Over the last week I've had to stop by my apartment for clothes and such. Every time I look over and see Tris doting on her baby, or even each of them sleeping soundly- Tris in her twin bed, Natty in the crib- it is like all those hopes I carried those two years are crushed again, just as painfully as the moment I learned that Tris had created a life with some other man.

Tonight, though, I will have to sleep here. I can't sleep at Zeke's when he and Shauna want  _alone time_ , and he alerted me in no uncertain terms at breakfast this morning, that tonight would be one of those nights. I can't fault him for it; I have slept there the past five nights in a row, and Shauna's roommate makes it difficult for them to find time to themselves at her place. I dread coming home tonight to sleep in the same room as Tris and her kid. I know I can't just move in with Zeke, and I know that Max has no idea that he's forcing me to live with my ex-girlfriend and her love child, nor the pain he is causing me as a result. This whole situation is incredibly frustrating.

When Tris comes in, the baby is asleep on her shoulder and Tris quickly transfers her to the crib before coming into the kitchen and beginning to look through the fridge and cupboards. While it isn't really a big deal, it would be nice if she asked before eating my food. When she pulls out leftovers from the dining hall, I realize she must have brought her own food in earlier. Besides, she not only had to skip lunch- she ate some of the sandwich I made for her, but had to abandon the rest to get Natty back to daycare- but also had to spend the afternoon doing intense physical training on a nearly empty stomach. But she pushed through it, and she did it well. I still can't figure out how she walked into initiation so good at combat, and it's clear that she has no intention of filling me in on her secret.

I used to be the person she shared her secrets with. But those days are gone.

I am startled from my thoughts by a loud clatter; Tris dropped a stack of pots and pans while pulling a baking dish from the cupboard to heat her snack up in the oven. I look toward the crib in a panic, worried that she may have woken the baby (which is pretty much the last thing I want right now) and Tris looks in the same direction just as abruptly.

But Natty does not stir. Man, she really is a sound sleeper! Tris's and my eyes meet and we both burst into laughter.

"I can't believe Natty slept through that," I say through laughter, shaking my head. "You're as clumsy as ever. I remember a few times, your mother… 'Be careful where you put your feet, Beatrice, I don't want you to get hurt,'" I mimic Natalie- not in a mean way, I adore that woman.

Tris just nods sheepishly through her own laughter. "I told you she slept like a champ."

For a moment we just smile at each other, and it feels good. Familiar. It feels like the love and security and companionship I felt with her back in Abnegation.

No. I can't do this. Tris can't represent love, security and companionship, not any more. She is done with me, and I am done with her. She made a life with someone else. I left her behind, and she left me behind as well. Even if whoever this man she loved was, after she moved on from me, is gone… she is no longer Beatrice, and I am no longer Tobias. We are Tris and Four now- two completely different people from who we once were.

I need to get out of here. I can't be with her so much, it brings back too many memories. Wonderful memories, but knowing that memories is all they will ever be is too painful.

So I turn and without a word, without even a glance back at her, I walk out the door.

* * *

"And then just after he's done berating the poor guy, who was only following orders… a pigeon flies overhead and takes a huge crap that lands right on Eric's head!" I burst out laughing. Most of Shauna's story about her day at the fence was long and boring, but the image of Eric with bird shit all over his greasy hair is worth the wait.

Zeke, sitting next to Shauna across the table from me, perks up and zeroes in on something across the room, lightly smacking Shauna's arm with the back of his hand to get her attention. "Oh look! Uriah and his new  _love interest._ " Shauna follows Zeke's gaze and smiles, so I turn my head to look as well. And there, a few tables over from us, I see him. Zeke's little brother, Uriah… with a baby in his lap, Tris by his side. As she eats her dinner, she and Uriah are both talking and laughing with their friends, and Uriah is frequently smiling down at the baby. He tickles her stomach, plays peek-a-boo, and when Natty blows spit bubbles which cause drool to drip down her chin, Uriah is even quick to wipe it away with a soft cloth.

"Oh boy, Uri is falling hard, isn't he?" Zeke comments. His smile reflects not only amusement, but pride.

"At the rate Uri is moving he will probably have a family of his own before you do, Zeke," Shauna says teasingly.

Zeke is too distracted by the evening's entertainment- Uriah with a baby- to pay much attention to Shauna's comment. I stab a piece of carrot with my fork, staring intently at my plate. "Aww, look at my baby brother." Zeke laughs. "I think you're right, Shauna, he's gonna be a daddy before I am!"

"They do look cute together," Shauna agrees, and I contemplate cutting off my own ears so I won't have to hear any more of this.

"Uriah with a blonde baby!" Zeke chortles, and Shauna joins in on the laughter. Against my better judgment, I glance at them again. Uriah is holding Natty up with her face about nine inches away from his, making silly faces while Tris smiles at them fondly. My jaw clenches.

I keep silent, my full attention on my plate of food, as they go on and on about Uriah, Tris and her love child. My plate is nearly empty when Shauna pulls me into the conversation against my will.

"So how  _is_  the baby, Four?" Shauna wears a bright smile but I'm so sick of this subject, they've been talking about my ex and her kid throughout the entire dinner. It's like I can never get away from Tris, no matter where I go.

"Who cares?" I snap at her. Shauna actually jumps, and I run a hand over my face- now the Tris issue is making me alienate my friends, too.

"Guess Four doesn't like kids," I hear Zeke mutter to Shauna under his breath, almost glaring at me.

"Well, if  _you_  think they're so great," I suggest, "why don't we move Uri, Tris and the baby into  _your_  apartment. You'd be rid of me at night, as an added bonus."

"Ha!" Zeke barks out a laugh. "Hell. No." His eyes focus on the happy little couple again, and against my better judgement, mine follow. I watch Tris walk over and hand the baby to Christina. She smiles and says a few words to her and kisses Natty on the forehead before she turns back to Uriah, who waits a couple of yards away. Uriah slips his hand into Tris's, right there in front of all their friends, and Tris doesn't even react, like she expected it, like they hold hands all the time. Uriah leads Tris out of the dining hall, never letting go of her hand.

Of course. They're on a  _date_. That's obvious now.

"It's only what, another month and a half? Then maybe Tris and Uri can move into their own place together," he grins as I finally tear my eyes away from the scene. I clench my fists under the table. It was bad enough seeing Natty, having the  _knowledge_  that Tris had moved on without me. But now, I've got a front row seat to her next conquest.

I gather up my dishes and trash and stand. "I'll see you guys later," I mumble, gripping the tray tightly. Shauna nods at me, her mouth too full of Dauntless cake to use words.

"Okay, man," Zeke says cheerfully. "Oh, and don't forget… you'll have to sleep at home tonight." Right. Their  _alone time._  I give him a curt nod before I turn my back and walk out of the dining hall, depositing my tray where the dirty dishes go on my way out.

I can't stand to go home. Tris is out on a date with Uriah, and who knows when she will turn up at home. I don't want to know. I don't want to know how late she's out; it will only fuel my imagination, and this awful feeling inside me that just won't go away.

To make matters worse… it's Uriah. Of all the guys in Dauntless, it had to be  _Uriah_. Zeke is my best friend- really, he and Shauna are my  _only_  friends. But now it is obvious to everyone, including me and, especially, Zeke, that Uriah is courting Tris. And Zeke seems amused and just overall thrilled with the whole thing. I have not yet confided in Zeke about Tris and my history, but I might have. Now, I can't. Zeke and Uriah are close. I won't put my friend in that position.

So now Tris has not only taken over my apartment, not only is she  _everywhere_  with her golden hair down around her shoulders- always reminding me how I used to be the only one with the privilege of seeing her that way- but she has now taken my only confidant away from me, isolated me from my very best friend. All while she is making far more new, wonderful friendships than I ever did. And I hate her even more for it.

This is not what I had imagined. None of it. I waited for her, for two years. I may not have even consciously realized that was what I was doing, but I know now. I had been waiting for her. I'm a twenty year old Dauntless prodigy and I'm a virgin. It's almost laughable. But Tris… even as a dependent in  _Abnegation_  of all places, she didn't wait for me. I know she had no reason to, but it's Abnegation. How did this happen?! I can't believe she gave her virginity to someone else. I always imagined that we would be together for that step.

And these new clothes she's been wearing. She looks amazing, all the time. Does she realize how she is taunting me? Of course she doesn't. She isn't looking good for me, she's looking good for  _Uriah._  And I hate it.

I find myself at the chasm. My mind goes over and over the past two years. Around Dauntless I have developed a reputation for being cold and aloof. No one knows that I have spent two years foolishly waiting for some girl from Abnegation. Everyone assumes that I, the  _great Four_ , have my share of one night stands. They just think I am private about it, and selective about who I share my bed with. It has never bothered me, but now it does. Because I know Tris thinks that, and I admit it, that is my fault. Telling her that was my intention was a part of my strategy when I broke her heart. But was she really that heartbroken? She got over it pretty quickly. Now she's here… with a baby. And I am consumed by anger, anger that while I waited for her, she was out in the factionless sector, of all places, giving someone else more of herself than she ever gave to me **.**

Meanwhile, I never stopped loving Tris. Never. I spent two years subconsciously avoiding any relationship, with anyone who tried to come near me. I was waiting for the day  _she_  would be here. I really believed I could fix things. I believed that we would fight it out, and then I would fight to win her back.

I always knew she would come. She was always meant for Dauntless. Even as angry as I am with her, I cannot deny that I'm impressed by her. She's doing shockingly well. I may have always known she was meant for Dauntless, but I never expected her to be this good. I still can't figure out  _how_  it's possible. Who trained her? Where did she learn all this?! I just can't figure her out. She's a puzzle, one I can't solve. She drives me crazy in every way.

I glance at my watch; it's getting late. As I make my way up the rock path that leads me back out of the chasm, I realize that I don't know where to go.

I can't sleep at Zeke's, that's been established more than once tonight. But I can't bear to go home knowing that Tris is out on a date with Uriah. I just walk through the halls of Dauntless for a few minutes before it comes to me. I know where I can go. I know who will welcome me in, who will be happy to see me. I turn around and head back the way I came, having already passed the apartment that I am now aiming for.

I stare at the door for a moment before swallowing my reservations and raising my fist to knock.

She answers the door in nothing but a button-up dress shirt that ends at her upper thigh, just covering her butt. The sleeves are rolled up a bit, and only a few buttons at the middle are done; the top few are left open, as are a couple at the bottom, leaving a gap that shows off her black panties. I find myself wondering where she got that men's shirt from. Her long, tan legs are bare. I return my gaze to her face, and am met with a sexy smile.

I smile back. "Hi," I say.

"Hi," she smirks flirtatiously.

"Can I… come in?"

She holds the door open as she steps out of my way. "Of course, Four." As I step inside, I feel her hip graze against mine, and the contact gives me a tight, nervous feeling in my stomach.

Then the door swings closed, shutting out everyone else, and it is just me and Lauren.


	18. Complicated Webs We Weave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Labor Day in the US, we have chosen to post this week's chapter a day early. Enjoy, and have a safe and happy holiday!

_**Chapter 18: Complicated Webs We Weave** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old** _

_**Tris POV** _

I gaze at my daughter, sitting in Chris's arms at the table, sitting with my new group of friends in the middle of the cafeteria. The baby looks so content, sometimes I want to pinch myself over how smoothly the transition to our new life has worked out.

"Thanks, Christina. I appreciate you watching the baby while I talk with Uri. I won't be too long, I'll meet you here in about an hour?" I say while bending over to give Natty one last kiss on her forehead as she squirms in Chris's arms.

Christina gives me a knowing smile and tells me she is going to take the baby shopping with her, and she may even find a present for the baby. She would like to see Natty wear more Dauntless black. Christina tells me not to worry if it ends up being longer, she is sure she can manage. I raise my eyebrows as I see a wicked smile cross Chris's face as she looks past me to where I know Uriah is standing. I keep my smile even as I turn and walk towards Uriah. I can feel that all of our friends are watching us closely.

When Uriah confidently slips his hand into mine, I force myself not to show any reaction. Uri has been an amazing friend to me, and I will not embarrass him in front of the group. I do care about him, but not in a romantic way.

Once we turn the corner I look over my shoulder to make sure that no one we know happens to be walking behind us. With our fingers now intertwined I glance down at our hands, his mocha skin a dark contrast to my pale hand. It is a lovely sight to admire, the way we are all made differently yet really the same.

But that is where my feelings end. I never understood why people bothered to hold hands as they walked. As I look at our hands again…I still don't. I feel nothing special or romantic about this gesture. If anything, it makes me feel like a small child that is being led around and forced to follow. Of course I know that is not Uriah's intent, but I need to be honest with him. He is a good friend and I owe him that.

"Uriah, can we go sit on the rocks at the side of the Pit?" I ask.

He nods and begins leading us there. Once we sit down I immediately pull my hand away. Uriah's eyes meet mine; a look of confusion flashes across his face but then he seems to let his concerns go.

He looks at me expectantly. I am the one who requested that we talk.

I clear my throat and dive in. I tell him how important his friendship is to me…but that a friend is all I see him as. A good friend, nothing more. Nothing romantic. To his credit, he listens thoughtfully and then shrugs his shoulders in an easy going manner.

"The truth is, I don't want to date anyone right now. I am just not interested in that. At least not anytime soon," I finish.

Uriah smiles at me. "I get it, Tris. I do. I think we should continue to be friends, you are an awesome person. I really enjoy your company. I have since that day I met you, almost a year ago."

I release the air I had been holding, I didn't realize before how nervous I was to have this conversation. I should have known that Uri would be wonderful about it, as he usually is in all situations. I smile at him, feeling much more at ease.

He clears his throat. "I have to add…just because you don't have romantic feelings for me right now…I think that in the future, we should just be willing to consider it." He pauses. "I just think we would be really good together."

The moment the words leave his lips, Four's face crosses my mind. Along with the image is a strong pang I feel in my heart. I am listening to Uri ramble on, but suddenly my thoughts are only about Four. I realize in that moment, as much as I want to be completely over him…I am not sure how I  _really_ feel.

What I do know: until I figure it out…I am not interested in dating anyone else.

Once we put that business behind us, Uriah invites me to still hang out as friends. I laugh and thank him. We look at the clock to make sure we can meet up with Christina on time. Uriah, knowing the Dauntless compound inside out, has the best idea on what we can do. We go for a long walk and manage to sneak outside! My heart races as we're technically breaking the rules. Uriah warns me not to tell anyone we did this; he doesn't want to get in trouble during initiation…especially with Four. He is worried that Four would tell Lauren, as they are close. I just nod.

Although it is the middle of summer, being outside at night immediately gives me a chill. The windy evening sends my hair flying in every direction as I shiver. "Here, take my sweater. You should warm up once we start walking again," Uriah says, handing me the black sweater he wears all the time. As I place it over my head I can smell his familiar scent.

I smile at him as he leads the way, he is a good guy. A good friend.

We are standing on the same roof we landed on while jumping off the train after our Choosing Ceremony.

Although I am not ready for love now, who knows what my future will bring. Once again, Four's face crosses my mind and this time it is the memory of our first kiss on the roof of the funeral home. The memory is uninvited, but there nonetheless.

Maybe the memory comes because I had been thinking about my future. Or maybe it is because I once again find myself standing high on a roof.

But the memory is there. In that moment, I know that I need to figure out what I am feeling for Four. Could he still be in my heart, after all this time? After all he has done?

Do I want him to be?

* * *

As I wear Natty in the carrier and carry the package of baby clothes Christina bought for her, I smile as I near the apartment. There is a tiny-  _very_  tiny- part of me that is excited over the prospect of seeing Four.

I stop myself from knocking before opening the now unlocked door. I need to remember, at least for the next month and a half, that this is my home now. I walk into an empty, dark apartment. I sigh as I turn on the lights.

He is not here. Again.

Uri's sweater…I make a mental note to return this to him tomorrow. I forgot I was even wearing it. No wonder Christina said "Suuuuure," when I told her Uri and I decided, together, to just be friends.

As I take off the sweater and toss it on my bed I shake my head, chastising myself for being hopeful. Did I imagine that Tobias would be standing in the kitchen, waiting to offer me hot cup of tea?

The evening goes by quickly. I take care of Natty and get her ready for bed. After bath and bottle I put her down to sleep. I know I should go to bed myself, but I keep looking at the door.

I'm silly to think he is coming back to our apartment, he hasn't slept here in many nights. And when I do see him at training, the man treats me like I am no different than any other initiate. I breathe in and out, reminding myself of why I am really here. It was never for Tobias. I am here for me and this little innocent baby that is now mine.

I push my sadness away and replace it with disgust…I wonder if Four has been having sex with the same girl all this week, or has he been hitting it with a different one every night?

It really is not my business.

* * *

***Four POV***

I quickly walk back to my apartment. As I hadn't planned on last night, I am still wearing the clothes I wore yesterday. I desperately need a shower and some fresh clothes after Lauren's last night.

I pause before slipping my apartment key into the door's lock. I always feel the need to prepare myself before entering my own apartment, never sure what I will find with Tris and Natty. Whether they are sleeping or playing, I always have to get a grip before entering, because seeing them both makes me feel so many mixed emotions.

I almost trip over Natty's diaper bag that is laying on the floor right by the door. It was against the wall, it was my own fault for stepping so close to the right as I entered. I can immediately tell that the bag has been packed for the day and is ready for Tris to take with her to daycare drop off. The diapers Natty will use for today are in the open main compartment of the bag. Tris always loads those last before putting the bag by the door.

A quick scan of the room tells me that Tris is in the bathroom with the door closed and Natty is playing happily in her crib. As I walk towards my dresser to pick out a clean outfit a blur of black catches my attention from the crib. My curiosity gets the better of me, so I walk closer to take a look.

Natty is wearing some new baby clothes, all black. Dauntless Black. I can't help but smile, she looks  _really_  cute. The baby looks right at me and gives me the biggest toothless grin I have ever seen another person make. I chuckle in response, which only encourages her more. The baby begins waving her toy at me, sitting unassisted but still a little wobbly. She begins to lean to the far left which would make her fall against the metal bars of the crib; I quickly place my hand on her side to straighten her out.

I feel a warmth spread through me at the contact. I've never touched or held a baby before. She was incredibly soft, yet firm at the same time. She is a beautiful baby, like her mother. I can't deny that, even if I want to. I look around, making sure Tris is still in the bathroom with the door shut.

I look at Natty and give her a big smile and wave before I need to keep getting ready. She laughs again. I don't dare pick her up, she is not my kid. I would never hold her without Tris's permission.

What the hell am I thinking?

Of course I would never hold her…period.

The black clothing laying on Tris's neatly made bed catches my attention. For a moment I worry she forgot to take her clothes for the day into the bathroom with her. The last thing I need is for Tris to parade around half naked in front of me. Hell no.

I quickly pick up her clothes and walk towards the bathroom, I will knock and hand it to her through the door without looking. I have seen enough naked flesh for one day!

As I am walking I realize it is one piece of clothing and feels much heavier than anything I would expect her to be wearing. And then I see it, this is a  _man's_ sweater. It takes me seconds to figure out that it is the same sweater Uriah was wearing last night when they left for their little date. Did they even go on a date?! Maybe they came straight back here to screw on her twin bed. I steal a quick glance at my larger bed, thankfully it looks completely untouched.

Zeke or no Zeke, I would have kicked Uriah's ass if he screwed Tris on  _my bed._ But this is bad enough! This is still my home, not some by the hour brothel. I am livid, I can actually feel my face, neck and ears turning red with rage. How dare she do this to me?!

I barely register the bathroom door opening and Tris stepping into the room. A fully dressed Tris. She looks startled for a moment, but then I see the relieved smile on her face as realizes it's only me. Smile or no smile, baby or no baby, this is my apartment…not some fuck pad where initiates can gather to get each other off.

"Hi, Four," she says politely, still smiling at me.

I don't greet her back. Instead I tightly grip Uriah's sweater in my fist while snapping, "Look, we both have to live here. Here, as in  _my damn apartment._ So you," I am not standing close to her, but I do point my finger at her, "need to at least show me some semblance of respect!"

Tris's mouth falls open and her eyes slightly widen.

"When you want to screw some guy, find somewhere else to do it!" I say, my voice firm.

Tris gasps and she opens her mouth to speak, but I am too angry to listen. Images of Uriah doing her on my kitchen counter enter my mind. I've heard from Uri's own mouth how experienced he is with women, his one story about Hana's kitchen counter popping into my mind.

This is such bull shit.

As angry as I am, I don't want to ever yell while Natty is in the room. I control myself and stay calm down. Not giving her a chance to speak, in a quiet and cold voice, I say, "I wouldn't even think to bring a woman  _here_  to fool around where you and your baby live. Show me the same respect! Do we understand each other?!"

I use that moment to toss Uriah's sweater at her feet.

Tris is so shocked that she takes a step back from me. For a moment her face is completely unreadable. From where I am standing I can see how hard she bites her lower lip, as she winces in pain from doing it. She averts her eyes for a moment and is still.

She first bends over to pick up the sweater, and while folding it neatly she looks up at and me and laughs. Literally laughs in my face, as though I am some kind of idiot for making such a request. Who knows, maybe she wouldn't even care if I screwed Lauren in my bed while she was in the room. But I sure as hell am not allowing that bull shit in my apartment. Uriah can go use Zeke's couch for his  _alone time_ , thankfully I don't need to sleep there anymore.

"I am glad this is funny to you, but you'd better take mind of what I'm saying. Understood?" I hiss in the coldest voice I can manage.

She scowls at me while shaking her head back and forth. I see a fire in her eyes that was not there a moment ago. And then she just smiles at me and shrugs. "Sure, Four. Whatever you say. It won't happen again."

She walks past me and goes straight to the baby, picking her up and resting her on her hip. As she stomps over to the front door, picking up the diaper bag, she turns to me one last time and snaps, "The baby wasn't with us when Uri and I were  _together,_  for your information. And yes - we now understand each other. I will be sure to screw around somewhere else."

She slams the door hard on her way out.

I stand there scowling, remembering I still need a shower.

* * *

***Tris POV***

After the confrontation with Four this morning I needed time to calm down at get control of my emotions. I managed to get Natty to daycare and slip out before Diana could see me. I'm pretty sure if the woman had asked me about Four this morning I would have told her to piss off. That would not have gone over well.

As I began walking towards the dining hall I realized that I just wasn't ready to see my friends. I could not go and sit down, and force a smile. Not when I am so angry!

" _I wouldn't even think to bring a woman here to fool around where you and your baby live. Show me the same respect! Do we understand each other?!"_

In that moment, I almost lost control. I almost started crying at how awful he is. I was so jealous, it hurt. I was stunned at how callously he threw in my face that he has made it a point not to bring his conquests home.

I somehow managed to hold myself together, my anger quickly surpassing any heartache that he made me feel. It allowed me to lash out at him. Instead I concentrated on his ridiculous notion that I was having sex in his apartment last night. What an idiot. He may not be Tobias anymore, but I can still tell when I'm making him mad. Laughing in his face was the best payback.

I stop and lean against the wall of a dark hallway. I close my eyes for a moment and allow myself to breathe. I fumble with the granola bar I had stashed in Natty's diaper bag. Another mom at her daycare told me that she always has a small snack for herself packed in the diaper bag, as you never knew when a child related emergency would cause you to miss a meal.

I decide to sit in the Pit, in the same spot Uriah and I sat last night, in fact, and eat my small breakfast. I need a moment to compose myself before a day of training. Before a day of seeing Four.

* * *

I am stretching quietly as the other initiates begin to arrive. I was the first one here and I am ready to get the day started. The only positive thing I have going is the promise that we would be starting the exercise of knife throwing this afternoon.

I am quite skilled at knife throwing. I allow myself a moment to close my eyes and remember fond moments where Mother beamed with pride at what an amazing job I was doing.

_++ Memory ++_

_The knife spins, end over end, as it sails toward the oak tree, sticking at the center of the crude line I scratched into the trunk. I used to aim for the big knot situated about a foot below this spot, but the surface of the knot has become quite tattered._

" _Your aim is even better than mine once was, Beatrice," Mother beams, rubbing her swollen belly with one hand, over top of the heavy blankets she is bundled in. "You will do so well at Dauntless."_

_++ Memory End ++_

I can still hear her voice, I wonder if that will ever go away. I suppose I already know the answer to that question. I have to believe I would recognize Father's or Caleb's voice if I heard it, but the truth is…I can no longer imagine it. I just can't recall what they sounded like.

Not the way I still can with my mother. And then I think of Natty, she will never know our Mother's voice. It is so unfair.

Life can be unfair, but we just have to keep going.

"There she is! I knew she wouldn't miss training today, quick – let's ask her before Four gets here!" I hear Christina say from across the room.

I quickly blink away the tears that had been forming. Now is not the time to mope about my lost family.

"Hey." I smile as she rushes to sit next to me to begin her own stretches. Soon Al and Will also join. Al sits to my left while Will sits next to Christina.

"We missed you at breakfast, Tris," Al says quietly, as though he is choosing his words carefully.

I just shrug it off, I don't have a good explanation for not eating in the dining hall this morning.

"But since you are here now…I can finally ask you!" Christina laughs, she then leans in closer to me and asks in a lower voice, "So, Four…has he been sleeping in his apartment lately? Specifically last night?"

I feel the blood drain from my face; again I am having Four rubbed in my face. By not seeing Diana this morning I stupidly thought I was in the clear.

"Um…Four…well…" I struggle. I also don't think I should be gossiping about him. I am the unfortunate one that has to live with him. Not Christina, Al or Will.

"Come on, Tris. Spill!" Christina demands. All three of them stare at me intently.

I am about to open my mouth to answer when Four storms into the training room. All conversation stops as he yells at us to stop yapping and start running.

For once, I am thankful for his training style. There are no more questions about Four's nocturnal habits.

We all get up and start running. Today I don't care about blending in. Today I don't hang back with my friends. I am right at the front, running neck and neck with Edward the entire time. He gives me a smile as though to say he is impressed. Even Peter and his cronies can't keep up with us.

It feels exhilarating. I feel alive and free.

I feel strong.

It helps me to overcome the heartache that threatens to rise at every turn. I have not looked at Four even one time at this morning's training. I pretend he is not even here.

Who I can't pretend is not here…is Peter. Being the first ones to finish running, Edward and I were the first to get a drink of water. We then sat down to stretch out again as the rest of the group trickled back in. Four joined in the run today, but today he took his spot at the end of the group. I can only guess for the purpose of berating his slowest runners.

Four never drinks from the water fountain we use, instead he goes to his clipboard at the other side of the room to plan his next training exercise while drinking from a water bottle.

Once I see that all of the runners have had a turn at the water fountain I decide to head up for a second drink.

"That was quite the run  _Stiff_ … I have to admit, at first I was a little pissed off that I couldn't keep up with you. I mean, Edward I am used to. That meathead has always been the fastest runner in our group. But having you basically kick my ass, now that was a shock," Peter says quietly while standing behind me.

I take my last drink and stand up tall. I am not in the mood for his stupidity today.

I look straight in his eyes. "What's your point, Peter?"

"Like I was saying, I  _was_  a little pissed off…and then I realized I could just enjoy the magnificent view of your hot ass. And that made it all ok," he says suggestively.

My eyes widen, he always manages to make me feel dirty. I scowl and attempt to walk past him, but he grabs my elbow. I notice he is holding my arm in front of his body, all of our classmates behind him and unable to see.

"You have been pretty stingy with your love Tris. I saw that Dauntless-born holding your hand at dinner last night. I can understand if you are only willing to have sex with him." He steps closer to me, making my skin crawl.

"But how about...I get something smaller. All I am asking for is a blow job, no one would have to know," he whispers directly into my ear. "I can only imagine how good you must be with your mouth…"

I snatch my arm away and glare at him. "You are disgusting, Peter! You stay the hell away from me."

I quickly walk away and take my place on the floor by Will and Al, hoping that sitting by the guys will help keep Peter from following me.

Could this day get any worse?!

* * *

I am sitting in between Uriah and Christina during lunch- normally one of my favorite spots to have as they are both so gregarious and fun. I never feel left out of a conversation when sitting in between them.

Today is different. Today this spot is my own personal hell.

Today the big topic of conversation is our sexy initiation instructors. None other than Four and Lauren.

"Uriah….don't pretend you didn't hang on every damn word Lauren told you guys! She sounds like an amazing instructor. Unlike the stick in the mud we have, the only time he talks to us is when barking orders or offering a critique," Christina whines.

"Come on Chris, you are still holding a grudge because Four calls you a loudmouth Candor when you aggravate him…which is  _often!"_ Will teases as Al spits out some of his juice as laughter makes his shoulders shake.

The table laughs at Will's joke, and Christina tosses a piece of bread at him from across the table. I notice a look that passes between them, instantly realizing that she is far from mad. I am pretty sure there is something between them, but I am not sure if either of them see it yet. I smile and take a drink from my water, I am curious to see what comes of their… _friendship._

"OK! OK! I'm a loudmouth, but not right now. I want to hear every single last word that Lauren told you guys!" Christina laughs, her eyes bright with laughter. "And...go!"

Uriah chuckles as all the attention of our table is back on him. I consider picking up my food and leaving…but what excuse would I use? I just got back from checking on Natty at daycare. She was sound asleep for her nap, I told the gang that when I sat down with my food...right after telling them I was starving.

Little did I know that not even thirty seconds after being seated, the topic would turn to the epic sex lives of Lauren and Four. While Four is tight lipped about his personal life with his lowly initiates it appears Lauren is not.

Uriah made it a point to explain to our group that Lauren has been close friends with him and the girls for many years. So it is not unusual that she would confide in them about her great conquest: getting the amazing Four into her bed last night.

I actually feel sick, my appetite now gone, and my face is flushed. I can feel my heart about to beat out of my chest. I make it a point to occasionally nod while acting generally uninterested. Even when I am  _screaming_ on the inside. Even when I want to pick up my tray of food and throw it as hard as I can.

But no, I sit there and act like nothing is of interest to me.

"So how did the topic come up? Was she like, go run some laps…and when you get back I will tell you about how I finally banged Four!" Christina teases.

Marlene giggles and Uri rolls his eyes. He gets annoyed every time Chris interrupts his story.

"Ok, here is how it went down. Lauren rolled into training about twenty minutes late. She looked tired. We had already completed our stretches and just started our running warm up around the track," Uri explains. "So during a break later in the morning, we were all on the floor and doing our cool down stretches. Our little group was sitting together, it was me of course, Mar, and Lynn. Lauren sat down with us, and she had the biggest smile on her face."

Marlene chimes in, "Well, Uri did have to pester her a couple of times before she admitted  _who_  had put that big smile on her face. But she finally confirmed it, last night was the first time she and Four had sex. She has had a huge crush on him for ages."

Uriah adds, "Yeah, he has always made it a point to be really discreet about who he fools around with. But unfortunately for him, Lauren was so happy she had to tell someone. Four was the reason she was late this morning, she said he kept her up  _all night long_. After he left her place this morning she needed to get some sleep before showing up for training."

I stare at the chicken tenders on my plate, I start to feel sick again. Is this really happening to me? Is this my great new life? Sitting around hearing about how good Four is in the sack?

"Anyways, she didn't go into as much detail as we  _wanted._ I mean, Four the Dauntless prodigy…who wouldn't want to know how skilled he is in the bedroom?" Marlene laughs.

Christina chuckles and smirks at Marlene, before they both start laughing. It is obvious the girls are smiling and joking about how they would love to know how he is in bed.

"Um, I can honestly say I have zero interest in hearing about that," Al pipes up.

"Quiet, Al. No one is talking to you," Christina rags on him with a sweet smile. Al then laughs too, and shrugs.

I notice that Will looks a little aggravated as he glances at Chris when he thinks no one is looking. With what a dog Four is, Will should be worried. Maybe Four will start working his way through the initiates next. Why not start with Christina? Think of all the noise she would make for him while in bed.

Christina pushes again, she will not let this go. It is the Candor in her to be persistent. "Well…spill. Did she give any details?"

Uriah is the first to answer. He looks around our table to make sure no one is listening to their conversation. And then he slowly leans in. Christina is now literally leaning in so close that she is almost shoving me into Uriah's lap so she can hear.

"What Lauren told us, which is quite telling…is that Four screws just as hard and well as he fights," Uriah says with delight, he seems genuinely proud of his brother's best friend.

The table is now murmuring; obviously that is a glowing review as Four is known as the best fighter in Dauntless. Of course he is amazing in bed. I can only imagine all the practice he has had since throwing me aside like trash two years ago, why wouldn't he be amazing?

I sit quietly, but no one is noticing me. Everyone at the table is completely enthralled with the latest gossip.

Using the excuse of needing to use the restroom, I get up and take my food tray with me. Tossing my untouched lunch in the trash as I walk out of the dining hall, I make it a point not to look up. I stare at the ground as I put one foot ahead of the other.

I walk to a public restroom that is not near the training rooms or the dining hall. I quietly enter a stall, locking it behind me as the tears start to flow. I lean against the door, very grateful I am the only person in this bathroom. I have twenty minutes before I am expected to join the other initiates.

I place my hand over my mouth and muffle the sobs that rack through my body. I am so hurt and so angry, all at once. Why does this hurt me so much? Why? He dumped me two years ago! I have been through so much pain since then, my life was hell, I lost Mother...but this is what is making me feel devastation?!

I know he had no idea that I would end up needing to live in his apartment, but we both knew that I would come to Dauntless this year, and be in the transfers initiation group. Is he enjoying this? Does he enjoy having the power over me? Bossing me around, yelling at me, barking orders, and all the other ways he gets to treat us poorly.

I sigh, this is getting me nowhere. I know I will never get the answers I want. I have to accept it and move on.

I wipe my tears while pulling toilet paper from the roll, I blow my nose a couple of times. I now have about ten minutes before joining the others. I walk to the sink and wash my face, while fanning my eyes in an attempt to rid the evidence of my crying.

In that moment I make a decision. I have to stop this. This is not healthy. There is nothing normal about the situation I find myself in.

I am holding on to a dream, a memory of something that never was. I keep forgetting what he did to me. Hell, what he did to Mother and me, and even Natty without knowing. I remember the blue sculpture. The way he left it on his dresser to antagonize Marcus.

To challenge the father he had always cowered in front of, as he was running out the door to his new life… leaving two women behind to deal with the fallout.

Suddenly I am no longer sad. I am livid. My pregnant mother died because that monster literally beat the living crap out of her. All while the great Four was here, safely tucked away in Dauntless, becoming the prodigy while screwing everything in sight. I wish to God he had told me about that damn sculpture and what it would mean to Marcus! I would have thrown it out, I had the chance before Marcus even saw it, but I didn't know!

Instead my mother's nightmare started that day.

I look in the mirror. I am no longer crying. I no longer have sad eyes or a puffy face.

I am mad. Mad as hell.

Knives are up next. I sprint to towards the training room, anxious to train. Screw him. Four can piss off. I just need to get through initiation, and the roommate situation, and then I will never ever speak to this asshole again. I hate him.

I've got this.

* * *

***Four POV***

I have never enjoyed attention, not when Marcus gave it to me, not during my initiation, not when I ranked first, not when women have looked at me with lust. I've always prefered to just blend into the background, and be left alone.

And now, all I can hear are the whispers. I didn't realize that news of Lauren and I would travel so fast.

It didn't help that Eric happened to see me leaving her apartment early this morning, during my walk of shame back to my own apartment. Of course that viper didn't announce himself, he does what every coward does. He filed the information away and then used it when convenient for him. Which in this case was as soon as possible.

I was in no way planning to hide what Lauren and I are, but I just wanted to prepare myself first. That ship has sailed now. I have to give Lauren credit, she is pretty awesome about rolling with the punches. She wasn't upset in the least when word about us got out early this morning. And from the rumors I am hearing, she has been kind with her words. I heard she told everyone I was basically amazing in bed. What guy wouldn't appreciate that? But I am still embarrassed to be the topic of conversation in this place.

I use my lunch to head back to the apartment, this time packing my bag to hold a few days' worth of clothes. Lauren and I agreed that I would stay over at her place for a while. I am relieved that Tris is nowhere in sight. I don't want to deal with her right now, especially after this morning's fight. I push the sick feeling in my stomach aside. I don't allow myself to feel anything.

It is what it is, choices were made. And there is no turning back now. There is no way to turn back time.

* * *

Straight from lunch I trudge into the training room, a large target stands at one end of the room, the table next to the door has the knives Lauren's Dauntless-born initiates used this morning when they ran through this exercise. I scowl at the disorderly fashion in which all the knives are strewn across it. So careless...so Dauntless. It is time for target practice with knives, one of my best talents.

I am surprised when Eric struts into the room, his face lights up when he sees me. I fight to keep my face neutral, even though I want to throttle him for sticking his nose in my personal business.

He walks right to the front and takes over my training session; as he is leadership and the overall lead of initiation there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do except follow his orders. "Listen up initiates! Today, you'll be learning how to aim. Hurry up and pick up three knives, stand in a line facing the targets."

"Now!" Eric screams at my group.

They scramble for knives like factionless kids over a spare piece of bread, desperate. All except Tris, she hangs back, watching them all carefully. Every move she makes is deliberate, I can only admire the way she carries herself. I force myself to divert my eyes, the worst thing that can happen would be for Eric to notice I keep staring at her.

As though on purpose, although Eric couldn't possibly know, he motions for me to stand next to Tris in order to start the demonstration. I know he won't be the one throwing, as I am ten times better than him in this exercise.

As I walk towards her, I notice that she does not even look in my direction. As though I do not exist. She stares ahead at the target, her posture so rigid that it appears that someone has replaced her spine with a metal rod. As I situate myself next to Tris, she moves her arms in front of her, across her lean body as though trying to make herself smaller. I feel a pang of pain, is this because of me? Does she know?

Yes, you idiot. She must have heard by now…how could she not?

Eric smirks at me, now on my other side. I am too preoccupied with Tris to think much about the evil smile Eric has on his face. I should have known he was here for a  _reason._

"Pay attention initiates, while  _Four_ demonstrates the correct technique for throwing knives," Eric yells in a firm voice.

The moment I move into the correct stance, I can feel all eyes on me. Finally Tris has turned to look at me, per Eric's instructions. I steady my arm to make the throw when Eric's voice breaks through my concentration.

"Now, ladies, I am sure it has been quite the exciting morning hearing from Lauren all about Four's incredible technique in the sack…but we will have to try to concentrate on just his knife throwing skills now."

God, I fucking  _hate him._ I pause for a second processing Eric's ridicule. The initiates burst into laughter around me. But the one person who is not laughing is Tris. She stands next to me, her face emotionless. For the first time since this morning our eyes meet. The look she gives me sends a chill down my spine.

Tris looks at me as though I am nothing.

Maybe she is right.

Maybe I am nothing.

I scowl at Eric one last time, and then release the knife. It is a perfect throw, as are the two throws that immediately follow. I hit the target on point each time.

I look at Eric, he is the one scowling now.

* * *

As the lesson continues I worry that Eric is still here. Although his little joke at my expense started with laughter…once I turned it around I instantly sensed the frustration seeping through his pores. The moment I rose above his ridicule and hit my target, the laughter instantly stopped. Instead, my ability to perform under pressure mesmerized them. I heard a few "wows" and "holy shits", said in awe.

And now Eric is annoyed. I feel like we are back in our own initiation- me being number one, him right behind me. Always behind…with a knife ready to stab me in the back. He will be looking to take his frustrations out on one of my initiates. All I can think about is Tris, please let it not be Tris.

I watch Eric closely, which takes away from helping the initiates. I need to be able to intervene before he announces his public lesson, which would be at someone else's expense. The sound of a knife clanging against the target and then falling to the floor grates on my nerves. Each sound of the knife hitting the floor signals that someone is making a mistake, someone is failing.

_Clank._

_Clank._

_Clank._

Eric and I make eye contact and then we both turn to watch my group, all working simultaneously on their own aims and throws. I immediately assess that Tris is hands down the best one. She is impressive in every way: her form, her strength, and the way her arm moves. Even her breathing is on point.

She is breathtaking. Even the initiates around her notice.

I know she will never confide in me, how she got so good, so fast. I'm no longer in a position to expect her to confide her secrets to me. I won't bother asking her again _._

I see that she is watching Eric from the corner of her eye, as though she is aware that he is on edge. As though she is waiting to see who he will strike. Of a room full of initiates, she is the only one smart enough to know that there is a danger present.

Eric can be cruel, and he can be dangerous. He doesn't  _care_ if someone gets hurt. It would of course be their own fault.

_Clank._

I then hear that dreaded noise again, of course. It had to be Albert. Al is just a walking, talking sledgehammer, all power and no finesse. Damnit Al. Why? Why is it always  _you_?

Eric's eyes narrow as he watches Al fumble with the knife, the vein in his neck pulsating.

_Clank._

I quickly move towards Al. If I can intervene before Eric pounces I may be able to circumvent the terror he is likely to inflict. Seconds before I arrive, Tris is standing next to Al.

She smiles at him as she places her hand on his arm. He looks startled to be getting attention from her. She says something and he immediately nods his head; he looks so grateful. I stop dead in my tracks. Even Eric looks intrigued at what is happening.

I watch as Tris takes over training Al. She is calm and kind, while also being firm and a solid teacher.

I feel a jealous twinge in my chest when she places her hands on  _Albert_ in order to correct his grip. I want to gag when she places her hands on  _his hips_  while making another correction to his stance.

Then to my shock, Al improves. He beams at her proudly, as though she was some kind of goddess. Eric rolls his eyes, and stomps out of the room as his shoulder knocks into mine.

"God, these initiates are so pathetic.  _You_  better get them into shape, Four. Your  _playmate_  is doing a much better job training her set," Eric says loudly enough for all to hear.

_A moment of silence passes._

"Did I say you could stop? Get back to work initiates. Now!" I yell at my group.

Unintentionally, Tris and I eye lock eyes from across the room. I feel a chill down my spine as her eyes narrow. She scowls at me and then turns away.

Could this day get any worse?!


	19. Capture the Flag

_**Chapter 19: Capture the Flag** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old** _

_**Tris POV** _

Edward shoots me a grin as I keep pace next to him during our warm up laps. I haven't held back in training since that morning with the knives; what would be the point? Everyone saw what I was capable of, so there is no point in pretending. Now that I keep pace with Edward instead of hanging back with Will and Christina, he and I pair off for training often. Myra gives me a friendly smile as we lap her near the end of our warm-up, and I can tell she doesn't worry about me training so closely with Edward. Outside of training, we still don't interact much more than simply sitting at the same table for meals, but I always notice what a happy couple Edward and Myra are. It must be so nice to have a steady boyfriend to trust.

As usual, we finish our laps first. I move near the wall opposite the water fountain and begin stretching alongside Lynn, Marlene and Uriah. We train separately from the Dauntless-born, but often are near each other during warm-ups, especially now that Four and Lauren have been… whatever they are. I don't know if they're just hooking up or actually dating, and I don't care. At least that's what I tell myself. If I repeat it to myself often enough, maybe it will eventually be true.

Four is a few yards away with his clipboard, but I don't look at him. I have made a point lately to pretend he isn't even there, other than moments where I absolutely must acknowledge his existence due to his position as my instructor. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lauren approach him with a bag in her hand.

"You left a few things when you cleared out earlier," she says to him. Cleared out? My ears perk at this.  _You don't care, Tris. It doesn't matter. You don't care what he does, or_ who  _he does. Nope. Don't care, don't care, don't care…_

Four looks in the bag. "Thanks. Sorry about that- I thought I had everything." Is he not going back there? He sets the bag against the wall, and then seems to be distracted by Peter and Edward having some sort of staredown across the room, and, setting his clipboard on a nearby table, walks away to address it.

"Why is he taking all his stuff back?" Marlene asks. I know Lauren is a lot more easygoing with her initiates than Four is with us, but it still surprises me to hear my friends asking her personal questions. "You're not already breaking up, are you?"

"We were never really an exclusive couple in the first place," Lauren shrugs. She's smiling; I guess this really meant nothing to her. To either of them. Somehow it is still hard to wrap my head around Four having meaningless sex. I don't know how to reconcile him to that boy I was so in love with, the one I thought I knew so well. I need to stop looking for glimpses of Tobias. He is Four now. "We had a  _really_ good time for a while, but we're better as friends." Four has returned from breaking up the initiates' little argument, and leans against the table he had set his clipboard on.

For practically the first time all week, I glance at Four. His dark blue eyes stare into mine and hold my gaze; his eyebrows are furrowed, but he doesn't look angry. Then Lauren says something to him and he looks away from me, smiling and looking relaxed as he answers her. Flustered, I walk away without a word, heading to the water fountain for a drink.

I am still feeling really hurt by Four- the way he treated me the day of his choosing ceremony, and how he has behaved toward me pretty much the entire time I have been in Dauntless, and most of all, for leaving Mother and me alone with Marcus. But, at the same time, I know deep down, I also am so relieved that he and Lauren are over. I still haven't quite decided how I feel about Four, or what I want. Not that it matters. He made himself very clear that he was done with me two years ago.

Training continues on just like any other day. We have begun fighting each other a few times a week; thankfully, they don't make us fight on consecutive days, but instead give us time to recover. Earlier this week, I easily won my first fight, against Myra- she is undoubtedly the weakest in our class. Molly gave me more of a challenge today, and I have a few bruises, but in the end, she was the one lying unconscious on the mat.

The victory is bittersweet. I am reminded of happy memories of Mother, but any memory of her comes with a fresh wave of grief as well. I wish more than anything that Mother was still here with us, that Natty could know her. I know I am doing the right thing, raising Natty. She will never know Marcus and his cruelty. Natty is already such a happy little person, and cute as a button. I never knew I could love someone so completely; it's different from the way I have ever loved anyone else.

As I walk to the daycare at the end of training, I think of my morning with Natty. She woke me up a little earlier than usual, so we had some extra time to kill before daycare and training. I was hesitant to pull out my clutch in case Four might come home, but he has not stopped by in the morning since the day he assumed I had brought Uriah here the night before, so I decided it was safe. So I pulled it out and spent a few minutes showing Natty the photo I keep there. She will never know our mother, or my father and Caleb, but I don't want them to be forgotten.

When the necklace fell out as well, Natty tried to grab for it, but I quickly put it away. I didn't want her to even touch it. That necklace represents pain that I hope she will never know. It reminds me of how badly Tobias hurt me… it reminds me to never trust anyone again. Trusting another person gives them such power to hurt me. I will never allow myself to be hurt again the way that he hurt me two years ago **.**

After I pick up Natty from daycare, we don't go straight home as we usually do. Instead, we visit Nanny Monica. Tonight I will be leaving Natty with her while I attend some sort of middle-of-the-night initiation activity. I'm not sure what we are doing, and I only know that anything is happening at all because I must arrange care for the baby.

As I tour the modest, but very tidy, apartment, Monica and I talk. Something about the thoughtful way that she listens when I speak reminds me of Mother. We mostly talk about the baby and her temperament and routines, but short conversations about initiation and my friends slip in as well. Natty falls asleep on my shoulder, and I lay her down in the pack n play in Monica's spare bedroom before joining Monica on the couch for a cup of tea.

We discuss Natty's sleep habits. Monica says that a lot of babies her age aren't great sleepers yet, and I feel even more blessed by Natty's easy temperament.

"Daycare hasn't had anything bad to say about her naps, and she is a sound sleeper at home," I tell her. "Once I dropped a stack of pots and pans and she slept right through it. Four and I couldn't believe it."

"And how is Four handling this situation?" Monica asks.

I shrug. "He's rarely ever home. He's been sleeping...elsewhere." I just can't say it out loud- that Four has spent nearly the whole time I've been here staying the night with whoever he's screwing. Lately, that's been Lauren. I wonder if he'll be home tonight, or will he be with some new girl?

Monica must read something on my face- and I don't know how she did that when none of my friends have seemed to when this subject has come up- and gently presses further. "And how are you and he getting along? Things seemed a little tense between you two last week."

"It's… we're fine. It's… awkward living with a stranger," I say vaguely. Calling him a stranger is sort of a lie, but at the same time, it's the truth. I may have lived with Tobias for four months, and I may have shared more of myself with him than I ever have with anyone else, but  _Four_  is a stranger to me, for all intents and purposes. "It's complicated," I add.

Monica is perceptive as ever. I know it when she raises her eyebrows at me. I sigh before asking if she can keep a secret, and she assures me that she can.

"Four and I… knew each other, before he transferred." I gaze into my teacup as I explain. "I loved him, I thought he loved me…" I trail off and shrug. I don't want to talk about the day he broke my heart. I hate remembering that day. The past few years have not been kind to me, and that was one of the more memorable moments.

"It feels like a lifetime ago," I finish. I don't want to give details- it's too dangerous for Natty. But it's something of a relief to tell someone just  _how_  difficult this living arrangement is for the two of us.

"Do you still love him?" she asks me cautiously.

This is the question I have been asking myself for days. I give her the only answer I have come to in that time. "I don't know. I'm confused. I can't tell if he's just angry with me about something… or maybe he really just hates that I am here at all. I don't understand it- he ended things between us. He was the one who wanted to come here and 'be free'- free to be with as many girls as he wanted," I say bitterly. "I don't know if I can get past that… past  _everything_ … and it probably doesn't matter, anyway." If he's as done with me as he has seemed, it makes no difference whether I still love him. But I also can't get involved with anyone else until I know.

What I can never share with her, or anyone, is the secrets I protect at all costs. The real issue I have with  _Four_  is all the resentment I still hold in my heart. He left us behind, like we were garbage. Worse than garbage. Garbage is something that is just tossed aside and ignored. He left us with his monster of a father. He, of all people, knew. He  _knew_  what that man was capable of. He knew what Marcus was:  _pure evil._ He escaped, and we paid for it dearly.

Can I love someone, and truly hate them at the same time? Is that possible? If it is, if I do...what does that make me?

That doesn't matter, anyway, either. I know better than to trust anyone with my heart.

Monica thinks for a moment, then speaks slowly and carefully. "If Four is angry with you… then, he still cares. Rejected love can look a lot like hate."

I shake my head. "I didn't reject him." He rejected me, on the day of his choosing ceremony… every night that he has gone off to sleep with some other girl…  _he_  rejected  _me._

"Well," Monica says after a moment of hesitation, "you did come here with a baby. Maybe that's what is bothering him, even if he really has no right to be angry."

"You're right," I say bitterly, "he has  _no right_  to be angry about that. I showed up here with a five month old baby  _two years_  after he broke my heart." I would not have come here with a baby at all if not for the way he left. Four convinced me that Marcus wouldn't touch my mother, and now she's dead. And he has the nerve to be angry for something he thinks happened nearly a year after he left me?

Monica just nods and gives me a sympathetic closed-mouth smile.

Monica tells me to just leave Natty so I can take my time getting ready for the initiation event. I check the supplies in the diaper bag. What's there will be enough for tonight. Tomorrow, I'll have to return the shirt that I have not yet worn. I'm almost out of diapers and formula, and don't have enough points left to buy them with. I am glad I didn't wear that top yet.

I kiss my napping daughter gently on the forehead and leave the bedroom. As I step out of the front door of the apartment, Monica and I have a few last words.

"Now, Tris, I just need you to know that I have a very early commitment in the morning, so Natty can't stay here overnight," Monica warns me. "It is fine for her to stay until the training activity is over, but please come straight back to get her- I'll need to get right to sleep."

I assure her that I will come straight back for Natty and thank her before walking home to get ready for tonight's activity.

* * *

I beat the other initiates to the platform, but Four, Lauren, Eric, and a few members- including Uriah's brother, Zeke- are already here. I have barely had time to look into the crates that have been placed on the platform, filled with rifles and small cardboard boxes that read PAINTBALLS, which seem pretty self-explanatory.

The Dauntless-born initiates arrive first, and Uriah throws an arm over my shoulders. It's not so much in a romantic way, like the hand-holding was… it's just how Uriah is. He is affectionate with all his friends. Well, much moreso the girls, of course- I can't imagine him going up to Four and hugging him or putting an arm around him.

Even so, I don't want to give Uriah the wrong impression. As the other initiates pour out onto the platform, Eric yells that we should each get a gun and a box of paintballs. I take that as a good opportunity to lean out from Uriah's arm, then turn and face him, instead, after I grab my gear. I see the light of an approaching train, and I position myself nearer Four and Eric.

When the train arrives, Four jumps on first, then he holds his hand out to me. I feel the familiar sparks, the tingles in my hand, when our hands touch. Does he still feel that, too? I let go and move further into the car, shaking my head to clear my mind of the memory as Four turns away from the door and moves further into the car as well.

Black-clothed people quickly stream into the train car, and Uriah, Marlene and Lynn make their way over to me. "Any idea what we're doing tonight?" I ask as I see Christina and Will push through the crowd to join us.

Uriah grins. "War games." I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like fun, and I find myself grinning back.

I don't get a chance to ask him exactly what "war games" we will be playing, though, because I am interrupted by an arm wrapping around me, and a hand squeezing my waist. It feels all wrong and I stiffen and jerk away, turning to see Peter.  _Of course_  it's Peter.

"I wonder what we're doing," Peter says in a voice that makes my skin crawl. "Whatever it is, maybe you and I can sneak away. I know you want me, Tris. Stop pretending you don't put out- we all know you do. You'll give me a little taste, won't you?"

I grit my teeth. I see Uriah's hand balled into a fist, his body tense, and the look on his face is positively murderous. But I don't need Uriah to protect me. I can fight my own battles.

I elbow Peter in the gut, startling him into releasing his grip with an "Oof!" so I can step away and face him. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him.

"Let me make this perfectly clear, Peter," I spit at him, loudly. I want everyone to hear this. His "advances" need to stop, and they need to stop now. "I will  _never_  sleep, or do anything else, with you. You're the  _last guy_  in our entire initiation class I would  _ever_  want to be with. I'd pick Drew over  _you._ "

His eyes widen and his jaw drops, clearly shocked at my reaction. This guy must be delusional if he thought I had any desire to be with him. Did he think I was just playing hard to get?!

I continue, "You  _repulse_  me, Peter. Thank God I don't have to share a dormitory or a bathroom with you." I physically shudder at the very thought. "I've had enough of you! No more inappropriate comments, no more touching me, your harassment stops now! I will never,  _ever,_  be with you, in any capacity." I stare Peter down, and he stares back, his eyes simmering with rage. Finally, he turns and walks away. I look up to see Four clenching his jaw.

By now, everyone is in the train car, and Four speaks up.

"We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag. Each team will have an even mix of members, Dauntless-born initiates, and transfers. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same." The car sways, and Four grabs the side of the doorway for balance. Our eyes lock for just a moment, then he looks away. "This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously."

"What do we get if we win?" Peter shouts.

"Sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask," says Four, raising an eyebrow. "You get to win, of course." I smirk. I get this sense of satisfaction whenever Four makes Peter look stupid, and I can't convince myself to feel badly about it, either.

"Four and I will be your team captains," says Eric. He looks at Four. "Let's divide up transfers first, shall we?"

I silently thank Mother once again for all the training she did with me. Had I come into training the weak little Abnegation girl I once was, I know I would be picked last. But thanks to Mother, I have a chance of being picked somewhere in the middle and not completely embarrassing myself. "You go first," Four says.

Eric shrugs. "Edward."

Four leans against the door frame and nods. The moonlight makes his eyes bright. He scans the group of transfer initiates briefly, without calculation and without his eyes lingering on me this time, and says, "I want the Stiff."

A faint undercurrent of laughter fills the car; all the members and Dauntless-born really know about me is just that- that I was a Stiff. Heat rushes into my cheeks. I am a little angry at the people laughing at me, and I can't help but wonder  _why_  Four chose me first. I know he can't stand me.

"Got something to prove?" asks Eric, with his trademark smirk. "Or are you just picking the weak ones so that if you lose, you'll have someone to blame it on?"

Four shrugs. "Something like that."

He didn't choose me because he thinks I'm any good, that much is clear from his response. He probably only picked me to make sure this night sucks for me- he'll probably give me a shit job or something. I scowl at my shoes.

"Your turn," says Four.

Soon all the transfers have been picked, with Christina, Will and Drew joining Four and me on our team. The Dauntless-born initiates are picked next, beginning with Four picking Uriah and Eric choosing Lynn. When Four makes Marlene his second selection, I stop paying attention until it's time to pick the members; I don't know the other Dauntless-born.

I try to ignore the warm feeling in my stomach when Four's first member pick is Zeke and his second is Shauna, with Eric finally picking Lauren, studying Four curiously as he says her name. I'm studying Four's face, too, and his expression doesn't betray any negative feelings, if they're there; his jaw doesn't clench, his face remains blank, and he smoothly continues scanning his prospects for his next pick.

I look at both teams, contrasting the two groups. Eric's team is mostly broad-shouldered, large, strong- an impressive display of brute strength. Four's team, on the other hand, is mostly made up of those who are more compact- narrow shoulders, small frames. Even Four fits this description in comparison to Eric; Four is very toned and strong, but he isn't bulky in the way many Dauntless men are. I can see his strategy; while I have never played capture the flag, even I can conclude that this is a game of speed, not brute force. Four doesn't  _need_  to be ruthless like Eric is, because he's smarter: he picked the faster initiates, not the more brutal.

Four shows his intelligence again when he tricks Eric into letting our team get off the train first; he knows just how to play the ruthless leader. I wonder if I am the only one that noticed. It seems that Eric hasn't.

We eventually end up at Navy Pier, gathered around the carousel. The initiates waste their time arguing, all fighting, more concerned with the competition against their own teammates to have their own strategy chosen, than with actually working together to create a strategy that will win. I know I will not be heard over them. I also know that if we want to win, we will be able to create the most effective strategy if we first know where the other team has hidden their flag.

And to do that, I need to see a long distance. I need a bird's eye view.

The ferris wheel looms just a few hundred yards away. The carts hang around the ominous circular structure, their red paint chipped. The structure has not been maintained in many years, but it may still be strong enough. It reaches several hundred feet toward the sky, a tangle of steel bars as scaffolding. I glance quickly around to be sure no one will notice my absence, and they are all too caught up trying to be heard over one another. Four isn't participating in the debate; he leans against the carousel, looking strangely at ease with the gun slung over his shoulder, staring up at the sky. He's not paying any attention to me, either.

On light footsteps, I make my way to the ferris wheel. The scaffolding would be difficult to climb, but I know it is made to support weight; it won't crumble if I climb it. However, in front of me are the rungs of a metal ladder. It looks rusted and thin, and I can't tell how high it goes, but if it is in fact sturdy enough to support me, it will be an easier-and thus safer-climb. I step onto the first rung and jump a few times, until I am satisfied that it is strong enough.

"Tris." The familiarity of his voice is almost soothing, despite everything, and it doesn't startle me. I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn't. I know it's Four, so I don't bother looking over my shoulder to see who has followed me.

"Yes?" I finally say impatiently. I don't want to waste my time standing here waiting for him to speak.

"I came to find out what you think you're doing."

"I'm seeking higher ground. I don't  _think_  I'm doing anything."

"Alright. I'm coming." I can hear his smile, but I scowl. This time, I finally look over my shoulder at him, letting him see my glare.

"I'm not weak, you know. I will be just fine on my own. I'd really rather you just left me alone. You're good at that."

Four frowns and shakes his head. "I know you're strong, Tris. I'm still not letting you climb it on your own." I huff in frustration, but I know that he can be almost as stubborn as I can, and arguing is a waste of time. If he's set on coming, he will come. So I just shrug and begin my ascent.

We climb in silence, Four right behind me, with his hands finding the rungs as soon as my feet leave them. There is a platform right about at the center of the wheel, and that will be my destination. We are about two thirds of the way to the platform when a particularly strong gust of wind blows me to the side and Four grabs my waist to push me back to safety against the ladder. His hands linger there, touching the exposed skin where my shirt has ridden up, and I can hardly breathe. Electricity and fire is shooting through me, radiating out from the spot where our skin touches, bringing back feelings I haven't experienced in so long.

"Are you okay?" he asks softly.

My mouth is dry and I swallow once to compose myself before answering, "Yes." I hope he doesn't notice how strained my voice is. Four lets go of me, and my skin now feels cold where his hand was. I look down and take a shaky breath. I'm not afraid of heights, but I just almost fell, and we are so high up already that our teammates at the carousel look like ants. If I had fallen, it would have meant my death. I must be more careful.

As we continue our climb, Four asks me instructor-like questions. His breathing becomes labored, almost in small gasps, and I'm confused for a moment, because he shouldn't already be winded; he's very fit. That's when I realize that his breathing sounds more like panic. He must be afraid of heights. But if that is one of his fears, why would he follow me? Could he have actually come… because he cares? A warm feeling bubbles up inside of me and my stomach flutters a bit at the thought of Four caring about me. I am still thinking about his motivations for facing his fear and following me when we reach the platform.

I scoot to the edge and dangle my feet off, while Four presses his back to the support bars.

I glance at him. "You're afraid of heights." He looks away and his cheeks flush a little. "You didn't have to follow me. I would have been fine."

Four still won't look at me, and he just shrugs.

"After that dig about my being good at leaving you alone, I couldn't prove you right," he jokes, and I roll my eyes. He clears his throat. "Does that bother you, me not being around? I didn't think about… I mean, I know this is a new situation for you. But I can be around more. I'll stay home tonight."

"You don't have to," I say, shaking my head. "Natty and I will be on our own after initiation, anyway. I'm okay with being alone. I don't mind." The way he left me two years ago was what really hurt, anyway.

He finally looks at me, and I'm immediately lost in his eyes. It reminds me of that night in my bed in Abnegation, when I wished I could see their color, but it was too dark. Right now, they look black, but I can still picture their deep blue in my mind. Although not a completely unique eye color, it would be impossible to forget Four's shade of blue; my Natty has his exact same eyes. The only difference is that his eyes have a little patch of light blue in the left iris, and Natty's do not. "I'll be at home tonight," he says quietly, and I know that it is a promise.

Whatever this is between us right at this moment, I don't quite understand it, and we've got a game to win anyway. I look around and see that there is a building in our way. I can't see the other team's flag yet.

"We're not high enough," I tell him. "I'm going to climb."

Four's mouth drops open as he watches me begin to climb the poles that form the wheel's scaffolding. "For God's sake, Tris."

"You don't have to come."

"Yes, I do." I scowl down at him; I already told him I'd be fine on my own! But I just keep climbing.

Eventually we are high enough to see past the buildings, and I spot the other team's flag in the trees at the other end of the pier. I position myself securely on the scaffolding and Four stops climbing when he is right behind me, his hands holding the same bars mine do, his fingers only inches from mine, and he looks over my shoulder. As I show Four, his chin is tucked over my shoulder, and I can't seem to stop myself from glancing at his lips. That's when I know we need to get out of this position immediately, and instruct him to begin climbing down.

When Four is a few yards below me, I begin climbing down the scaffolding as well, though I am slower than he is- Four is enough taller than me to make climbing much easier. When I reach the platform, he is already going down the ladder, but I still wait until he is about fifteen rungs below me before I follow. I think it's best that I am not too close to him. I am uncomfortable enough that his face was so near my butt on the way up.

We are making good time when I hear the clank of metal… and a sudden feeling of weightlessness. Fate is not on my side tonight; the rung my hands were gripping has dislodged from the vertical rails… and, at the same time, so has the rung that had been supporting my feet.

"Tobias!" I gasp as I almost fall right through the middle of the ladder and straight toward the ground, but my shoulder hits the ladder frame. I am suddenly sliding down the ladder, along the rungs, unable to get footing on any of them. In a panic, I close my eyes as I aimlessly grab for anything, anything at all to hold onto, but I am unable to get a firm grip on the metal as I slide down. My teeth jar together as my chin painfully smashes against a rung on my way downward. The ground surges toward me, or I surge toward the ground- I don't think it will matter which way is right when I finally hit it. I will be like Rita's sister when she missed the roof on Choosing Day.

I hear Four screaming my name, but I can't see him, I can't see anything, everything is a blur. Then something large and firm, but not hard like metal, hits my body- or my body hits the object. By the time I realize that it is Four that I have slammed into, I'm already falling again; he did slow my fall, but I bounced to the left. My body is in the wind, and now, I am not supported by anything- not by the metal frames and not by Four's body- and I am free falling.

This is the end.

Until it isn't. I am jerked upward by a firm and painful grip around my right wrist. It is the only thing keeping me from certain death as I dangle nearly a hundred feet in the air.

I open my eyes with a gasp. The terror on Four's face is unmistakable. His left hand grips my wrist like a vice while his right hangs desperately to a rung. He leans far to his left and downward. He barely caught me.

"Tris, I need you to stay  _very still_." The careful urgency in his voice reminds me of my mother's when she came home from his Choosing Ceremony two years ago. "If you move, it will be harder for me to pull you up. Can you lift your other hand to also grab onto my wrist?"

"Yes," I squeak quietly, being sure to follow his instructions and stay very still. My life is in the hands of this man, of all people… yet, here we are. And if I can trust anyone to save me, it is Four.

My movements are slow and careful as I reach up and grasp his wrist with my left hand. As I do, we both hear it at the same time **:** the creaking, groaning sound of metal that cannot support the weight that has been placed on it. I lock eyes with him to see my own terror mirrored on his face.

The rung that is now supporting both his weight and mine is about to give. We will both die. A couple of Stiff pancakes for Eric to gleefully scrape off the asphalt below.

I can't do it. I can't take him with me. Four needs to live. Not only because I know that a part of me still loves him… but with me gone, Natty will need her brother.

"Damn it!" Four shouts, still gripping my wrist firmly. I gather every bit of bravery I have deep inside. I know what I must do. I slowly release my hold on his wrist so that I will not pull him down when I fall.

"Tris…" Four calls desperately, "don't let go."

"You need to let me go, Four. My weight will break that rung at any moment. We can't both die!" I gulp. My mind is made up. "Four, I have to tell you something about Natty. Listen to me. She will need yo-"

"Tris, just shut up! I need to figure this out. Get your hand back up-  _slowly_ \- to grab my wrist again. Now!" he commands.

"But Four…"

"Do it now! Hurry!" And I do.

"Tris, I'm going to let go of this rung and grab the one below it. At the same time, you need to swing your body weight  _towards_  me. We need to time it exactly right, okay? Are you ready?!"

At the same time Four lets go and I move towards him and the ladder, by his incredible strength, he manages to catch the rung one below. When I hit the frame of the ladder and begin to bounce out once again, Four, still bent down toward me, uses all of his strength to pull me close to him. I let go of his wrist and grab the nearest thing to me- which is Four. My hand wraps around his neck, and once I am holding firmly around his neck and shoulders, he lets go of my other hand and wraps his arm securely around my waist, gripping my hip, and presses me between himself and the ladder, allowing me to find footing. As my right hand grabs hold of the metal frame, Four descends a few rungs so that our faces are level, but neither of us let go.

I tremble in his arms, trapped between Four's strong body and the ladder, both of us breathing heavily. I feel heady and weightless, like I could just float away. It is not until he finally lets go of my waist that I also release my grip on his neck and come to my senses enough to form words.

"Why?!" I demand.

"What? Why what?" His brows are furrowed and he looks genuinely confused.

"Why in the hell would you risk your life to save me? Why would you do that?"

We stare deeply into each other's eyes; I couldn't rip my gaze from his if I tried. I have no idea what he will say, no idea  _why_  he would risk his life for me. I remember what I almost told him. I wanted him to know that Natty was his as much as she is mine- sister to us both. Again I feel the guilt like a rock at the pit of my stomach… but I am still not sure I can trust him. Natty's safety is too important to take the risk.

He finally looks away, and when he answers, his voice is gruff. "I did it for your daughter. She needs to have at least one parent in this world. That's all." His eyes flick back to mine, and his expression hardens. "You're welcome, by the way." Then he begins climbing down again, and I stare after him for a moment before turning carefully back to the ladder and following him toward the ground.

I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed; he didn't do it for me. He was only doing the right thing. I should have known that; he has always been selfless. Maybe there is a little bit of Tobias left in Four, after all. It just takes a life-or-death situation to bring it out of him.

When we return to our team, a few have gone out scouting already, but we don't need scouts-we now know where the flag is. I'm surprised when Four looks to  _me_  to form our strategy. At first, I'm not comfortable with the attention, but then an idea comes to me and before I know it, we are on our way to capture Eric's flag.

A group of four will charge from the right. While Eric's team is engaged with our decoy group, the other three of us- Uriah, Christina and me- will sneak up from the left and steal their flag.

I run with the paintball gun pressed against my chest, my finger on the trigger, keeping pace with Christina and Uriah. When I spot the blinking light of the flag and point it out to Christina, I realize that only one of us can touch the flag. It won't matter that I was the one who climbed the wheel, that I was the one who spotted the flag, that it was  _my_  plan that will have won us the game, if I am not the one to grab that flag.

Christina follows the direction I have pointed my finger and nods at me when she spots the flag. She takes off without warning, and Uriah and I soon follow. I hear the pounding of heavy feet, puffs of air from the paintball guns, along with yells and war cries as the rest of our team charges. Everything goes as planned, and Eric's flag is left nearly unguarded.

Uriah shoots the last guard in the thigh, and she throws her gun to the ground like a two year old who didn't get her way.

I keep pace with Christina. The flag is hanging from a tree branch, high above my head. Christina and I both reach for it at the same time.

"Come on, Tris," she says. "You're already the hero of the day. And you know you can't reach it anyway."

She gives me a patronizing look, the way people sometimes look at children when they act too adult, and snatches the flag from the branch. Without looking at me, she turns and gives a whoop of victory. Uriah's voice joins hers and then I hear a chorus of yells in the distance.

Uriah pulls me into a hug as he bounces on the balls of his feet and I try to enjoy our victory, even though deep down I am stewing over Christina's condescending look and words. I fight my resentment at her stealing my moment of victory. I refuse to be one of those people who makes everything a competition, who has to be better than everyone else.

As I push my irritation out of my mind and join in the yells of victory, I see Four standing with his arms crossed, scowling at Christina. I turn away from him. Christina holds the flag high in the air and I let everyone crowd around her, and just stand off to the side and enjoy our victory.

Four touches my shoulder. "Well done, Tris," he says quietly, then he glances at Christina. " _You_  won this game for our team… no matter  _who_  desperately swooped in at the end."

As the teams disperse, Uriah approaches me.

"So, there's this little initiation tradition tonight," Uriah starts, grinning. "We're going ziplining. It's really only for the Dauntless-borns, but I would like  _you_  to come with us." I can't believe he's inviting me to this- as he said, this is only for the Dauntless-born initiates. I'm just the Stiff.

I want to go so badly, but I know I can't. "Thank you so much for inviting me, Uriah," I say sadly. "I really, really wish I could go. But I promised Monica, Natty's nanny, that I would come straight back to pick up the baby when we finished here." I am unable to hold back my disappointed sigh.

Uriah frowns sympathetically. "Damn, I wish you could come. You'd seriously  _love_  it. And it's not like anyone would turn you away after that badass ferris wheel stunt you pulled!"

I just smile. "Thank you again, Uri. I hope you have a great time." I watch him turn and start to run after the other Dauntless-born, until he pauses when a shout calls out to him.

"Wait!"

I turn and look at Four, surprised by his outburst. Uriah walks back toward us and Four turns to me.

"I really think you'd have a good time, Tris. You should go. I'll pick up the baby from Monica and take care of her. They  _never_  invite transfers to this- I don't want you to miss it," Four says with a shrug.

My mouth drops open in shock and Uri pumps his fist in the air. "Yes!" he cries. "Four saves the day! Come on, let's go, Tris!" He grabs my hand to pull me with him and I tell him to wait, that I'll catch up in a second.

I quickly give Four Monica's apartment number and promise that I will come straight home. I glance in the direction Uriah ran off to make sure I can still see him before I turn to Four again.

I throw my arms around Four and hold him in my embrace for a couple of seconds. For a moment he stands stiffly, his arms at his sides. Then he finally, slowly, wraps his arms around me and hugs me back. "Thank you," I say softly. Then I pull away, turn and run after Uriah. When I glance back over my shoulder, I see him standing there, with wide eyes and parted lips, staring after me.


	20. Little Love Child

_**Chapter 20: Little Love Child** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old** _

_**Four POV** _

Nanny Monica greets me with a smile. The baby, she tells me, is asleep, so we sit down in the living room for a few minutes while Monica fills me in on how the baby did tonight. It sounds like everything was fine; I try to file away the reports on how much the baby ate and what time she fell asleep in my mind so that I can pass the information along to Tris later.

I'm a little nervous about watching Natty. I have never even held a baby before, and now I will be responsible for one, if only for a few hours. And not just any baby- Tris's baby. I don't want to mess up.

"Hey, Monica, I've noticed that the baby throws up… often," I say, remembering all the times I have seen Tris with a towel over her shoulder. She never reacts much to it, but I would be worried if I had a kid and she was puking all the time. "Is that normal? Is there anything I need to do if it happens? Medicine or something?"

Monica seems amused at my concern, and my cheeks warm. "People usually call that spitting up, and it's normal, Four. Don't worry. You don't need to do anything special, Natty is fine. It happens because of air being swallowed along with her milk, or can happen if she overeats. So just don't push her to eat more than she wants," Monica explains. Muscles I didn't know I was tensing now relax at hearing that Tris's baby isn't sick. I didn't even realize I had been worried about that.

"I have to say, I was surprised to see you here for Natty tonight, Four," Monica says good naturedly with a gentle smile. "You didn't seem excited to have Tris and the baby living with you- I recall that she wasn't your responsibility. Everything must be working out better than you expected it to with your new roommates, I take it?"

I rub the back of my neck nervously, resting my other forearm on my knee. The truth is, I haven't been home much at all. I can't exactly say that things are working out or aren't… I haven't allowed myself and Tris the chance to find out. Tonight when she fell from that ferris wheel… my worst fear was flashing before my eyes. The thought of losing Tris forever was unbearable, and I didn't hesitate to take the chance that I would fall to my death with her. Saving myself but letting her die… that was never an option.

Even while I was with Lauren all this week, I missed Tris. I have always missed Tris, every day since I left her two years ago. But even when I am with her… our pasts are a wall between us, and she is still far away from me.

"I think we need more time to figure that out," I say vaguely. "I don't know. I do care for Tris. But I did something… I made a choice out of anger and jealousy. I can't take it back, I can't turn back time. I did something I regret and now I have to live with it."

Monica smiles at me, but her eyes don't crinkle in the corners like they did when we were talking about Natty. "You and Tris are both young, Four. You will live and learn. Don't hold on to regrets. Just move forward and learn from them, and don't give up on one another."

The baby cries, and I am relieved that our conversation is cut short; we didn't end on a very comfortable topic for me. Natty squeals and smiles when she sees me, and I can't help smiling back at her. Monica loads me up with baby, bag and a few instructions before we tell her goodnight and walk back to my apartment, Natty cooing at me the whole way there.

* * *

I had been unsure about watching the baby, having no experience with anything of the sort. But everything Tris had said about Natty's easy temperament has proved true; she's a happy, friendly baby, and interacting with her has been surprisingly easy. We have spent the past half-hour sitting together on my bed. Her eyes light up as she bats at the toys I shake in front of her, and her giggles are so infectious that sometimes I laugh, too, when I tickle her soft, chubby tummy.

Eventually, though, she begins to gnaw on my fingers and fuss, and I search my brain- what do babies need?

I pat her diapered bottom, but as far as I can tell, the fresh diaper Monica dressed her in before we left is still clean. I don't think she could be tired yet, and we have been playing, so boredom isn't likely to be the issue. I look in her bag and see the can of formula. She must be hungry.

I put Natty on a blanket on the floor while I search for a clean bottle in the kitchen and follow the instructions on the side of the nearly empty formula can. I frown realizing that I don't see an unopened can anywhere in the cupboard. Is this all Tris has for her? It reminds me of the other day when I was home for a shower and to grab fresh clothes in the early evening. Tris had found a bottle she left out and had to dump it down the sink. She had seemed distressed about wasting it. I wonder where the formula is provided from. Does Tris have to buy it herself? As an initiate, she doesn't have any sort of income. They do each receive a stipend, but that is for clothing and necessities. Parents sometimes transfer points, but Marcus would never allow Natalie to do that. I wonder if Tris received an additional allotment for the baby's needs? I feel uneasy thinking about it.

I remember my own initiation, how consuming the need was to succeed and appear "Dauntless" enough, and I cannot imagine having to worry about keeping a child fed and clothed in addition to that. Especially with the added pressure Tris must feel: if she doesn't succeed in initiation, it's not just herself being cast out to the factionless. Natty would be, too. The mandatory cuts that I heard Eric and Max were discussing never went into place, but there is still a minimum skill standard to complete initiation, and a low rank would mean a crappy job at the fence. If she ranks high, like I did, she can choose whatever job she wants.

When I return to the blanket I left Natty on, my heart leaps to my throat. I don't see her anywhere. My chest constricts in panic as I drop to my knees and crawl on all fours looking for her, but when I press my cheek to the floor and see her grinning at me from under the bed, as though she just played a trick on me, I smile back before pulling her gently toward me.

"You little stinker!" I chuckle teasingly. "You're already Dauntless, aren't you? I think you just played your first prank, didn't you?!" I know Natty probably doesn't understand much, if any, of what I am saying, but she giggles at my playful tone. "Come on, then. I've got your dinner, you little love child." I shake my head, wondering how my connotation for the words "love child" could have changed so drastically over the past few weeks. And then I realize, it's Natty who changed it for me. At first, I was so angry at her presence. But even as I continued thinking of her as "Tris's love child," I started to enjoy being with this little person, and it changed the entire meaning of the word for me.

I settle onto my bed with my knees pulled partway up, her head resting in the crook of my left arm, and hold her bottle in my right hand as she gulps down the formula. Natty is soft and warm, and it feels like she just melts into my arms. As she sucks on her bottle, her little hand reaches up to touch my face and her eyes stay locked on mine. I am stricken again by this child's beauty. She's gorgeous, just like her mother, delicate and fair and just… beautiful.

When Natty is nearly finished with her bottle, I remember that I need a towel or something in case she spits up- from what I have seen, she usually does. I move Natty to rest against my legs so I can dig through the diaper bag with one hand. In it, I first find the black clothes that Christina bought, and I roll my eyes.

Christina. Some friend she is. I hated the way that she stole the glory from Tris tonight by taking the flag. It was Tris's bravery and clever thinking that allowed us to locate the flag. It was Tris's clever strategy that allowed us to capture it. And yet, Christina grabbed the flag and took all the glory for it without a second thought. A little smirk of satisfaction crosses my lips, though, thinking about how Christina is now in the dormitory with the other transfers, while Tris got to tag along with the Dauntless-borns and experience the zipline. I couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth when I offered to watch Natty- something I swore to myself I would never do, and something with which I have absolutely no experience and came into blind- but it was worth it to see Tris so happy.

I find the towel, but frown noticing only a few diapers left in the bag. As I place the towel over my shoulder and lean Natty against me, patting her back like I have watched Tris do after feeding her, I wonder if those diapers are all Tris has? Again I wonder where the baby supplies come from, and whether she can afford what she needs.

Natty burps the cutest little baby belch, and the towel comes away with only a little regurgitated milk on it. It's still gross, though. I drop it on the floor next to the bag and pull Natty against my chest. She lays her head against me and lets out a contented little baby sigh, and I find myself kissing her soft blond hair. She smells good, different than anything I have smelled before. I suppose that's why I have heard people refer to that "baby smell"- it really is wonderful.

Natty and I cuddle for a while, and I think about Tris- how sweet and selfless she is with this little child, how well she cares for her, and the way she manages to hold it all together, initiation and fitting into a whole new place and parenting all at once. And on top of it all, it seems that having her child with her has caused her problems with Peter. Thinking of their argument on the train brings the rage I felt then back to the surface. I had no idea anyone had been bothering her. As her instructor, I wish she had come to me about it right at the start. But of course she didn't. I know it's because I have been a total dick to her.

And then I don't smell that amazing baby smell any more, I smell something much less pleasant… and I realize that I must make my first ever attempt at a diaper change.

I've seen Tris change a diaper before, and it's pretty simple, except that the baby won't just stay there and wait for me to finish. I never imagined it could be so difficult to wrestle a five month old into a diaper. Eventually, I get her clean and the diaper on her well enough that it won't fall off, anyway, and put her pajamas back on her, but not before kissing her toes.  _Who am I? Kissing a baby's toes?_ But Natty giggles, and suddenly it's all worth feeling weird and silly.

I frown once again at how low Tris is running on supplies.

"Should we go on an adventure, Natty?" I say in a higher-pitched, baby-talk voice that I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth. Natty smiles and gurgles at me and I hold her against my shoulder as I stand. We make our way to the 24-hour pharmacy in the pit. The girl at the counter furrows her eyebrows in confusion when I walk up to the checkout with the baby in one arm and a basket with several packages of diapers and wipes and a few jars of formula-all the same brands and sizes as I saw in Natty's bag. I know she must be confused to see me with a baby and buying things for it, as everyone knows Four, the Dauntless Prodigy… and that I don't have girlfriends, let alone a baby… but I don't offer an explanation. By the time we leave, Natty has cooed and giggled enough to draw a wide smile out of the cashier.

Of course not everything could go smoothly. I am halfway back to the apartment when I run into the absolute last person I would want to see while babysitting.

"Well, well! If it isn't Mr. Mom! Look at you, who knew it would take a little stiff to tame the 'Great Four'? And here I thought you would be able to keep your initiate in line," Eric laughs with obvious joy in his eyes. "It looks like  _she_  is the one who did the taming."

I roll my eyes and quickly try to walk past him; I don't really have a comeback for Eric.

"Leaving so soon? Do you have a poopy diaper to change?" He chuckles at his own joke. This asshole is loving every second of this. "You know, I saw a flyer just this morning...every Tuesday evening at the infirmary the nurses are offering a breastfeeding class. You seem to be really into this Mr. Mom thing. Maybe you have some tips to exchange with the other new mommies?"

"Fuck off, Eric," I snap, heat rising in my cheeks.

"Oh, I will find a fine Dauntless woman to fuck...but just seeing  _this_ " -he laughs while motioning to me holding Natty with the bags of baby supplies- "reminds me to go buy some more condoms. Later, Mr. Mom."

I can hear his laughter long after he has strolled down the hall. He is so annoying.

I sigh. "Forget him, Natty. That is a mean man, we will make sure you stay away from that jerk. Let's go home, sweetie."

I keep Natty in my arms as I drop the baby supplies on the kitchen table on my way in; I can put them away for Tris later. Natty seems to have been a little worn out by our big adventure, so I go to lay her in the crib, but she reaches for me, and I just can't bear to turn her down.

"Hmm," I hum to the baby. "You probably want to see your mommy before you lay down for the night, don't you? Of course you do, huh?" I pick her back up and she cuddles into me immediately. "Let's just lay down on my bed and wait for her. Sound good? Yeah, I think that sounds good. We'll wait for your mommy," I softly ramble to her as I lay down on my bed, propped a bit by pillows, with Natty on my chest. And I don't mind at all.

* * *

Before I open my eyes, still drowsy from sleep, I notice the soft warm mass on my chest. I open my eyes slowly to find the lamp by my bed still on, as well as the light in the kitchen. My lips lift into the smallest of smiles when I look down to see baby Natty on my chest, sleeping with her lips parted, her back steadily rising and falling with each breath, and I can feel someone watching me. I turn my head to see Tris sitting next to me on the bed, just watching me.

When our eyes meet, her cheeks blush red. "Um, sorry," she says nervously. "You both looked so peaceful… I didn't want to wake you."

I nod, and I can feel the blood rushing to my own cheeks as I do. Some part of me doesn't want her seeing me so comfortable with her baby. I won't admit it to Tris- I don't even want to admit it to myself- but I enjoyed my time with Natty tonight. As much as I want to deny it, I know the truth. I am starting to like this baby. Tris's baby. Despite how she came to exist, I like her.

But I still can't allow Tris to know that, so I gesture to the baby with one hand, and Tris leans in and carefully extracts her baby from my chest. She lays her gently in the crib, and I am surprised when she comes back and sits beside me again on the bed, a few inches away, not touching me.

Tris clears her throat. "Thank you again, Four. For watching her tonight. Zip lining was amazing." She speaks quietly, and I realize she doesn't want to wake the baby. I internally shudder at the idea of willingly flying in a cloth sling down a steel cable a thousand feet above the ground. It sounds horrifying, but I am not surprised that Tris wasn't afraid. She is remarkably brave.

"You earned it. They  _never_  invite transfers to that. You really made an impression by climbing the ferris wheel," I admit.

Tris blushes. "Really? I thought… when Christina took the flag… I didn't think anyone would remember anything I did tonight."

I smirk. "Normally, they wouldn't. But being bold enough to climb that wheel… no one is going to forget that anytime soon." I frown. "I didn't like that Christina pushed you aside like that, though. You earned that flag."

"I didn't want to be greedy. Besides, Christina didn't give me much of a choice. She even pointed out that I was too short to reach it." Tris just laughs and rolls her eyes, while my irritation with Christina only grows.

I sigh. "Yeah, well… you were the one who earned it, though. Fear and jealousy can do funny things to people. Christina expected you to be a weak little girl from Abnegation, and you're not." I swallow, deciding whether to say more. Things are just so strained and awkward between us sometimes. But she deserves to hear what I want to say. "I've been really impressed by how well you've been doing in training, Tris. You work hard, and you're skilled. Better than your classmates. You'll secure a good ranking coming out of stage one, I think."

Tris looks surprised at my words, and I don't know whether it's what I said, or that I was the one to say it. She must know she has been doing well, so it is probably the latter. "Thank you, Four. I have to admit… you really are an amazing instructor. I'm learning a lot from you. Even tonight, the way you encouraged me to come up with the winning strategy rather than just taking over, as our instructor, is a perfect example."

My pride swells; instructing new initiates is a job I take seriously, as their skill is important to the future of our faction. The fact that I instruct the transfers rather than the Dauntless-born is added pressure; they aren't cut any slack in the rankings based on where they were born, and the Dauntless-born initiates enter initiation lightyears ahead of the transfers in their skill-sets.

I am still trying to formulate a response when the bags from the pharmacy, still tossed messily on the kitchen table, catch Tris's eye. She gasps and gets up to go look, and I follow her. She looks at the contents of the bags and turns to me, her eyes wide. "You… you bought baby supplies for Natty?" Her voice is tight, and for a moment I wonder if she is offended.

"Uh… yeah… I mean, I noticed that you were low on supplies and um… I didn't know if you'd have time to go to the pharmacy before you ran out." I run my fingers through my hair and avoid looking at her face. "I bought the same brands and sizes that you had in the diaper bag, but if you need something different for some reason, I can give you the receipt."

"This is… these are perfect, Four," she says softly- almost tenderly. "You didn't have to do that. Thank you so much." She bites her lip. "I'll pay you back soon, I..."

I shrug. "Don't mention it. My treat- no repayment necessary."

Then I look at her face again, and I am stunned when I see tears in her eyes. I didn't mean to make her sad… did I do something wrong? "Tris? What's wrong?"

She shakes her head. "Nothing is wrong. I just… I'm just really thankful. What you did was so thoughtful, Four."

And for the second time tonight, she wraps her arms around me. This time, I don't hesitate to hug her back. I have missed having her in my arms, and I don't know whether she feels the same way. All I know is that it is much longer than I had expected before she pulls away.

* * *

_**Tris POV** _

I change into my pajamas in the bathroom and brush my teeth, then I pause with the heels of my hands resting on the countertop, my fingers gripping its edge. Twice now, tonight, I have nearly confessed the truth about Natty to Four. When I saw the diapers and formula he had purchased for her, I almost told him, once again. I may be brave enough to climb a ferris wheel, but I'm not brave enough to tell Four the truth. This secret is just too dangerous, I am literally a kidnapper! Marcus is a free man, and I stole his child. Still, as time goes on, I feel more and more guilty for keeping this a secret from him. I take a deep breath in and let it out before quietly opening the door t o the bathroom.

I pause in the doorway, watching Four. I don't think he has heard me yet. He stands next to Natty's crib, both hands resting on the top rail, just looking at her. My breath hitches in my throat as I watch him lean over the crib, placing a goodnight kiss on the sleeping baby's forehead. I step quickly back into the bathroom and pull the door almost shut before he can see me. After a count of ten, I open the door, much less carefully than before, and shuffle out of the bathroom.

Four is sitting on the edge of his bed with the blanket pulled back, and he shoots me a small smile. I turn off the light in the kitchen and when I climb into my bed, he is already laying down, the blanket pulled up to his armpits. When he sees that I am in my bed, not walking around where I may bump into something, he reaches for his bedside lamp. Then he pauses with his finger over the switch before lowering his hand, the light still on.

"Goodnight, Tris," he says softly.

Those butterflies that I don't want to feel start fluttering again in my stomach. "Goodnight, Four," I respond, just as softly. It's the first time either of us have said goodnight to one another in over two years.

The light switches off, leaving us in total darkness, and I hear a rustle of covers as Four turns over in his bed.

The butterflies I felt, the warm feelings in my stomach, they all persist as I lay in the dark, staring up toward the ceiling, and I desperately try to push them down, push them away entirely, to where I can pretend they never existed at all. But it doesn't work.

I turn on my side facing the wall and I feel the familiar burn as tears begin to well in my eyes. The truth is, I'm scared. I'm afraid… afraid of what I want, and afraid of the potential fallout from it down the road. I'm afraid that I still love him- that underneath everything Four lets me see on the surface, Tobias Eaton is still in there, hiding behind the rough exterior that Dauntless has molded Four into, and I am afraid that I am still in love with him.

And even more than that, I am afraid to get hurt again, and I cannot forget everything that happened after he left Abnegation.

I feel as though I am two people.

I am still the girl that he left behind to deal with the monster- the monster that tormented and eventually killed my mother. Every time I think about that blue sculpture and how he left it out to make his last point… my blood boils with rage.  _We_  paid for that. Not him.

And then I feel like I am someone completely new, not just because of being at Dauntless. I am a new person here, and most important I am truly a mother here. Natty is mine, and I feel a need to move forward, to have peace in my heart for her. I wish I better understood forgiveness.

I wipe away the tears that fall silently down my cheeks, not making a sound.


	21. Sweet Dreams

_**Chapter 21: Sweet Dreams** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 ½ months old (Beginning of July)** _

_**^^ One Week Has Passed ^^** _

_***Tris POV*** _

This morning's training has been enjoyable, I'm starting to  _really_ enjoy practice fighting. When I am working with the correct people, that is. Peter and I stop to glare at each other from across the room. Ever since our confrontation on the train on the way to capture the flag, he has been extremely hostile towards to me. I try to avoid him as much as possible and if I didn't know any better, I'd think that Four has purposely kept us apart in the way he runs his trainings.

My comment about wanting Drew over him really hurt Peter's pride. Drew, on the other hand, thought it was the funniest thing that has happened in a long time. I am guessing Drew is not letting the comment go when talking to Peter. Drew has never been one to pay any attention to me, so I believe he only does it to put Peter down.

Four told us this morning that he would be randomly picking names out of a hat to set up this afternoon's fights. The fights will count for points in Phase I rankings.

_Four._

He has slept at the apartment every night since the Capture the Flag game. We have found a way to live in comfortable silence. Aside from basic pleasantries, the only times we really speak are if Natty does something funny or if I am desperate for him to help me with something small, like hold Natty for twenty seconds while I mix a formula bottle.

It was shortly after capture the flag that Four approached me towards the end of a training day, Eric on his heels. Eric was rolling his eyes before he reached me. They both spoke to me about the points that initiates receive. It had been an oversight in the procedures manual that Natty's basic needs were not taken into account. They asked that I give them an average count of diapers, wipes and formula that she uses weekly.

I nervously asked Four to review my numbers before I officially turned in my request. He did it with a good attitude and even encouraged me to increase the request as I was trying to be conservative.

That same night, Four came home with vouchers for the twenty-four hour pharmacy. I knew he must have put this in motion for me, and it will also help any future initiates that may be in this situation one day. Four explained it was also written into the procedures. I bit my lip when I thanked him, trying to keep my tears of gratitude at bay. He nodded and rubbed the back of his neck.

He then ran out of the apartment, telling me he had plans with friends and he would be back really late. I went to bed before he returned, but he did sleep at home that night.

Though he has been more present and helpful lately, there is still tension between us. Yes, Four and I had a good day when he offered to babysit and bought some baby supplies. But the actions of  _one day_ don't erase all that has happened between us. Nor the things he has said and done to me.

My mother is still dead. That will never be erased. I could also go to jail, and my daughter would legally belong to a monster.

No.

Nothing has changed for me. Nothing is more important to me than Natty's safety. Everything and  _everyone_ else is secondary.

"Snap out of it, Tris! You'd better warm up by the time you get paired with Edward for this exercise," Will teases me, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I am sparring with Will right now. Al and Christina work together as a pair right next to us, Edward and Myra next to them. I can't help but smile at how much fun we are having. We agreed we would rotate every fifteen minutes.

It has been one week since Capture the Flag. It was a couple of days after the flag exercise that Christina asked to accompany me to pick up Natty from daycare so we could talk. I agreed, although I was still really bothered by her actions.

_**++o+ Flashback +o++** _

 

> _We are walking in silence towards the daycare center, me in the lead as I don't think Christina knows where it is. Why would she? She doesn't have any reason to. I'm walking with purpose and allowing her to follow me. She requested this talk…so I'll let her say what she needs to say._
> 
> " _I never really said I was sorry," Christina says quietly. "For taking the flag, when you earned it. I don't know what was wrong with me."_
> 
> _I'm not sure if it's smart to forgive her or not-her words and actions that night really surprised and_ hurt  _me. But my mother would have told me that people are flawed and I should be lenient with them. I also think about Four, why is it when I think about_ forgiveness,  _my mind immediately goes to him?_
> 
> Because you  _want_  to forgive him, most of all.
> 
> _Four's words that night also ring in my ear; he was right. Even though she stole the glory at the last moment,_ everyone  _still credited the win to me._
> 
> _I don't know what I should do? I want to concentrate on the good Christina has done, her immediate warmth and acceptance of both Natty and me. I smile remembering the new outfits she bought the baby, and her genuine excitement when she sees Natty wearing Dauntless black._
> 
> _I still can't forget what she did regarding the flag. The worst part was not the way she took the credit for the win, no. I can easily let that go. It was the way she treated me when she did it. She treated me as though I was a child, weak and insignificant._
> 
> _I still want to be angry, but I have to let my anger go._
> 
> _When her brown eyes meet mine, I nod. "Let's just forget about it."_
> 
> _We exchange a final smile. I know this will be the last time the subject is discussed._

_**++o+ Flashback End +o++** _

"Ok, let's switch!" Edward calls to our group. I nod with thanks at Will as Al suddenly steps into my view.

Al and I exchange nods as we get into our first fighting position stance.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you earlier. Uriah stopped by our dormitory this morning. He asked me to tell you that he wanted to make sure you saved him a seat next to you at lunch," Al says slowly, watching for my reaction.

"Oh yeah? Okay, cool," I answer swiftly.

Al clears his throat. "So you and Uriah…are a couple? He does seem like a really nice guy."

I control my facial expression, not wanting to give too much away. I learned that from my last years in Abnegation: conceal everything. Reveal nothing. "Uriah is a really nice guy, and we are just friends."

Al's brows furrow but he is smart enough to drop the subject.

I know that my next fifteen minutes will be more of a cool down for me. Al holds back when fighting, he just won't step up. I've heard Four try to encourage or pressure him, while also hearing Eric flat out berate him. Neither method of motivation has worked.

"Come on Al, we have fights this afternoon that are going to count for points. I want to see you win…unless we get our names pulled out of the hat to fight each other, of course," I finish with a smile. After helping him with the knives, I want to believe that there is still hope for him to turn this around.

Al laughs harshly, "I've lost every fight since the one with Will. I'm not doing well. There is no way I am going to win the one today either!"

I put my hands on my hips, getting frustrated. "You and I both know that is by choice.  _Your_  choice, Al."

Al shakes his head. "No. I mean…yes. I guess…I think it's important to protect people. To stand up for people. Like how you helped me with the knives, even though we technically are competing for rank." He grins at me. "That's what the Dauntless are supposed to do…that is real courage. Not hurting people for no reason."

I feel a pang of guilt. "Maybe it will be better once initiation is over."

"Too bad I'll probably come in last," Al says. "I guess we'll see what happens in this afternoon's fights."

I nod my head and then laugh. "Hey, maybe you will get paired up with Peter. You can defend my honor and knock his ass out! Then it wouldn't be for no reason."

Al and I burst out laughing at the same time.

Four hollers from across the room, a scowl on his face. "Initiates, get to work. Especially you, Al! Now!"

"I feel braver when I'm around you, you know," Al says quietly. "Like I could actually fit in here, the same way you do."

I just nod.

Al and I go through basic fighting techniques, the hits are not hard. We are now silent but smiling.

My father used to say that sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them. I feel good when I do something I know he would have been proud of, like it makes up for all the things I've done that he wouldn't be proud of.

* * *

"I got a slice of Dauntless cake, just for you Tris." Uriah smirks flirtatiously as he slides a plate in front of me. "A gift for you, with all my love."

I glance at his tray. "And who are the other  _three_ pieces of cake for, Uri?"

He laughs, "There are three for me, and one for you. Three is my limit. I don't want to eat too much before the fights for points this afternoon."

Lauren's group will also be participating in the fights this afternoon, so I will need to stomach seeing her interact with Four. I bite my lip at the thought as I quickly push my jealous feelings away. A couple of days ago Christina and I spotted Lauren in the pit, flirting up a storm with another Dauntless man. He was handsome and seemed to welcome the attention. Christina had a good laugh, mentioning she heard that it was more Lauren's call to end things with Four.

Although they are supposedly over, I can't help but feel sick when I imagine them  _together._ What's so pathetic is that I'm sure she is just one of many. But at least I don't know who the other girls are or have to see them regularly.

I notice that across the table, Will and Christina are in a heated debate about pets. Al is chewing his food while trying not to choke as he laughs. Edward and Myra… _yeah_ …I have never seen two people inhale their food so quickly. They made it very clear to the table that they would be  _running_ back to the transfer initiates dormitory to have some "alone time" to  _talk._

They just ran off while giggling and holding hands.

"You know, Tris, I really care about you and Natty. I just want to get it out there…I am all Dauntless, it doesn't matter to me that you aren't a virgin. I guess that would have been a big deal in Abnegation," Uriah says calmly, as he waits for my reaction.

A big deal in Abnegation? Ha! They would have thrown me in Factionless before the baby bump was showing.

"I guess what I am trying to say…since I am also not a virgin…I just want to make sure you knew that I am still interested in you." Uri smiles at me.

I start laughing softly; the idea that Uriah would still be a virgin had honestly never crossed my mind- I had no such delusions. I tell him I figured that one out all on my own. "Hey now!" he laughs at my comment.

Then he gets serious. "Tris, I really care about you. You are such an important friend…I think we would be really good  _together_. Really good for us, and also for Natty." He sighs. "I wish you would give us a chance to explore dating."

As he is talking I can't stop myself from glancing past his right shoulder to where Four is sitting a few tables away with his friends. He is listening and laughing as a girl with medium-brown chin length hair, who I think is dating Uri's brother, she is waving her arms animatedly while sharing a story. It is as though he senses me as his eyes instantly find mine within the crowd. The moment he catches me staring I turn my attention back to Uriah.

"Well…what do you think? I know Christina would babysit while we go on a real date," he finishes.

I smile at him and squeeze his hand. "You are an amazing friend, Uriah…but my answer is still no. I don't want to date. Can't we just be friends?"

He shrugs and nods, jokingly telling me that I have no idea what I am missing. Leaning over to hug him I laugh myself now as I enjoy the remainder of our lunch.

I'm relieved when my rejection doesn't seem to bother Uriah. I believe him when he says I'm his friend but he wants to give dating a  _try._ It's not as though he is pining for me.

I wonder who I will end up being paired up with for today's fight.

* * *

_***Four POV*** _

I leave lunch early with Lauren to set up for the afternoon's fights. We are still debating putting transfer and Dauntless born's names into the same hat.

"They are all going to be ranked together, Four! Why not see how some of them do if they are paired up to fight each other?" Lauren pushes. "Are you worried my group will pummel yours?"

I scoff, "Be serious, Lauren. Edward alone would beat any one of your Dauntless born, and you know it. And I'm confident that Tris could beat every female you have in your group. I also think that I have a few others that could do some damage."

Lauren frowns but doesn't argue further with me.

I sigh, not wanting to be a jerk with her. "Lauren, today's fights count for rank. I don't feel like running a training exercise at the same time. After a couple of days we can have our groups fight each other and see how it goes. They haven't fought together yet. My answer is still no for today."

She finally agrees and smiles at me. I hand her a second hat so that she can put her initiate's names into it. We will be keeping our names separate.

**++o++**

Lauren and I stand at the front of the room; I just finished writing names on the board for Lauren as she pulled names from her hat. We decided we would alternate fights between her group and mine.

I go to my hat and begin pulling out names to pair off my initiates for today's fights. When the first two names are Myra and Al, I control myself from rolling my eyes. That should be the most boring fight in the history of initiation. The next two names I pull are Christina and Peter. I feel a moment of relief; my biggest concern was pulling Tris to fight him. I want to keep that bastard as far away from her as I can. She handled him well, but I still want to beat him senseless for harassing her. Right under my nose, too! I realize I'm clenching my fists and force myself to calm down. As I am about to pull out the third pair the doors to the training room slam open.

Eric charges in with a clipboard in hand. "Four, Lauren…a word." He motions for us to walk to him. Lauren and I exchange a glance as we trudge over.

"Change of plans: Max and I came up with the pairings for today's fights. I will announce them as we go. And no, even you two can't see them ahead of time, so don't ask. I don't have all day, so let's get going," Eric snaps, already walking back towards the initiates.

"Ok, I will be assigning the pairings. First fight for today…we are going to start with Dauntless born. Uriah and Lynn," Eric calls out to the group.

I sit back and wait. I am concerned with why Eric and Max have taken such an interest in the fights today. It is always such a power struggle with them. I watch out of the corner of my eye as Eric smirks while watching Uri and Lynn fight. I wonder if he set up this fight knowing they are best friends. The fight is painful to watch. Not only are they best friends, they are also closely enough matched. Both are holding back. Finally Lauren encourages her initiates to take the fight seriously.

I glance at Tris out of the corner of my eye. She looks upset. My stomach lurches. I know that she cares deeply for her friends- especially Uriah, as they are dating. I saw them at lunch today, flirting up a storm. I finally had to force myself to pretend they weren't even there. I need to remember to be better about sitting at a spot at lunch where my back is to her. Especially when she and Uri are practically on top of each other.

These fights are now out of my control. It is what it is. My priority now is getting Tris and the rest of my group through initiation and prepared to be Dauntless members.

Finally Uriah wins the fight. He looks upset as he insists on taking Lynn to the infirmary himself.

"First Transfers fight -  _Al_ and Christina! Get ready," Eric barks at them.

"Dauntless born, this fight will be ridiculously short. Make sure you don't wander off in case you are up next," Eric sneers, looking at Al as though he is garbage.

Al isn't looking at Eric. Instead, he moves closer to Tris as she meets his gaze steadily.

"Ok, Al. This is up to you. Let's see what you decide to do," Tris says firmly.

My eyes narrow when Al leans over and whispers something that makes Tris's cheeks redden as she finally smiles at him. What did he say to her? At least I can watch the loud-mouth beat his ass now. He is always drooling over Tris when the other initiates aren't looking. I see he is pretty bold with Tris now that Uri is out of the room.

As Al and Christina stand across from each other in the arena, Al asks Christina, "Go easy on me, okay?"

"I make no promises," she replies.

For a second they both shuffle back and forth, Al jerking an arm forward and then retracting it, Christina kicking and making a solid hit to his side, eliciting a groan from him. I lean against the wall and yawn, waiting for Al to hurry up and throw the fight like he always does.

Suddenly Al gives Christina one solid punch to the temple and she drops like a rag doll, knocked out cold. My mouth hangs open as I hear Eric burst out laughing.

"Well, well...little  _Al._ You finally figured your shit out.  _Finally_ ," Eric taunts him. Even with Al's win, it is still isn't enough for Eric. Of course not. Eric is not one to forgive or look past previous acts of cowardice.

But Al isn't looking at Eric or Christina. He smiles proudly at Tris, who is already walking into the arena to help lift Chris up. It dawns on me, just like with knife throwing….he did it  _for_ Tris _._ I should have realized sooner how much he genuinely cares for her. Who can blame him?

"Al, take Chris to the infirmary. Tris, get back to warming up. You still have a fight to worry about," I command in my Four voice.

Eric has already announced the next Dauntless-born fight, the next initiates are waiting for mine to clear the arena.

The fight is a good one, well matched and both strong fighters. I am glad to see all of my initiates watching closely, absorbing the technique displayed for future knowledge.

I catch Eric out of the corner of my eye smiling as he looks at his clipboard. The smirk on his face is sinister looking. I swear I see him eyeing the back of Tris's head as he smiles and shakes his head. This is not good.

Once the latest Dauntless-born fight ends, my initiates look at Eric expectantly.

"Next fight, from the transfers – Peter and Tris. Let's go!" Eric hollers, I can hear the amusement in his voice. I think back to the night of capture the flag. I know he overheard their argument on the train. Is that why he lined them up to fight? Just for his personal entertainment?!

Peter confidently steps onto the mat. He is stretching and looks hungry for this fight, as though he can't wait to get his hands on her. I pass Tris as she approaches the mat. She looks worried.

I reach and clasp her arm, forcing her to pause before she passes me.

"Hey," I mumble quietly. I know I shouldn't be giving her tips against another one of my own initiates. But the truth is, I don't give a damn.

She gulps. "What?"

I glance into her eyes, so insistent. "Remember what I once told you all about the first attack?"

She nods her head while biting her inner cheek.

"First shot right to the throat and you watch him," I hiss. "Peter steps before he punches, alright?"

Tris stares into my eyes, as though she is studying me. She must realize I shouldn't be coaching her this way.

"Alright?" I repeat quietly breaking her gaze into my eyes.

She looks away before mumbling, "Yes." And then she enters the mat.

I stand off to the side, watching intently while fighting to keep my expression neutral. I scowl at Eric and the amusement he shows. I think that Al winning put him in a foul mood; he probably had an assortment of insults to hurl at him once Christina beat him.

Tris enters the arena quietly, quickly looking around at the surrounding crowd.  _Forget everyone else, Tris. Your friends can't help you now, you need to fight._  "Focus, initiates," I snap in my Four voice, my words meant for her alone.

Peter sneers, "You alright there,  _Stiff?_ You look like you're about to cry." He laughs at her. He lowers his voice, but I step forward to hear him. "I'll take it easy on you if you cry…or if you agree to  _put out_ later."

Eric bursts out laughing but scolds him, "This is not a dating game, Peter. This is a fight for points. Make it count!"

I suddenly taste copper in my mouth. I'm so angry I chewed the inside of my cheek to the point of bleeding. I want to kill Peter for talking to her that way.

"I would rather eat shit, Peter. If you are done fantasizing about things that will never work out for you, let's fight," Tris taunts him right back.

The laughter and cackles from the Dauntless born group rings loudly. The extra time she spends with Uri and his gang must have taught her some sassy words- even I am surprised to hear her put him down so effectively. Peter's face instantly red, he looks enraged.

"Stop playing with each other and fight, I am getting bored!" Eric yells at them.

Tris and Peter stare off in the arena. Peter is sudden in his attack; he starts towards Tris and as I predicted he leads with his foot. Tris's eyes dart to his feet as she successfully ducks and drives her first punch straight into his throat. I feel an odd sense of satisfaction as his eyes widen and he makes an odd gurgling sound from deep in his throat. He looks stunned that the little Stiff delivered such a blow.

Before he can get his hands on Tris, she slips past him with her hands up to guard her face. She is incredibly fast. I know she can beat him if she plays this smart. I know it.

He rushes to punch her again, relying on his strength. She is faster, he misses again.

He suddenly smirks at her, takes steps away from her and puts his hands up to bend over and cough. Tris holds back, not attacking as he takes a moment. I will need to talk to her about that- she should have taken her chance to finish him.

When Peter stands up there is something in his eyes I can't pinpoint. He looks amused, as though he is waiting for something entertaining to happen. He gets back into fighting stance and then they continue. Eric is yawning and rolling his eyes at the same time, which takes talent I suppose.

Suddenly Tris delivers a punch to Peter's side and she cries out in pain. Her eyes widen as they fill with tears as she quickly tries to jump back. But it is too late, Peter goes for his attack. He violently punches her in the cheek, her chin and then one last punch to her stomach. He has knocked her out; she falls quickly as he approaches her to resume his attack.

Within seconds I loudly command, "You won, Peter. Enough." Tris is unconscious and lying motionless on the ground.

The little bastard completely ignores me, I blanch as he delivers a swift kick to the side of her head. Even the other initiates gasp at the brutality of it. I see red as I fly towards Peter. It is Eric who shoves me out of the way just as my hands reach Peter's shirt and I yank him away from her. The three of us are tangled now as I don't release Peter, Eric in between us.

"Four?! Can I get her help now?" I turn to see Uri anxiously awaiting my permission to enter the arena. He must have returned from taking Lynn to the infirmary. I nod with a yes as he runs to Tris, quickly checking her pulse. My instinct is to push him away from her, I want to be the one to take care of her.

But I know that is his job, not mine. I watch as Uriah carries Tris and Al follows, both her  _friends_ rushing her to the infirmary. I hear Lauren yell for Uriah and Al to drop her off but then hurry back to training, they are not excused.

It is then that I register something else: under Peter's heavy shirt he is wearing a brace of sorts. I immediately remember the solid punch Tris made and how  _she_  was the one to recoil in pain. This little asshole was actually cheating!

I don't think, I react. I shove Eric out of the way with my free hand while I pull Peter into a headlock, while choking him. He instantly begins to gasp as his arms flail out.

"You little shit, you cheated! Part of the fighting rules clearly states no braces, look at this!" I screech as I pull up his shirt to show everyone what he is wearing.

"Holy shit!" Lauren hisses, she is livid as well.

I make the quick decision not to beat the shit out of Peter in front of all of the initiates and instead I drag him out of the training room by his throat. Even the Dauntless-born initiates look terrified of me. Eric is hot on my heels; I don't think he appreciated how I shoved him out of the way moments earlier.

Once in the hallway, I slam Peter roughly against the wall. That is when I see that his right hand holds a small metal piece that, when held, will allow a punch to hurt more. I stare at him for a few seconds and then laugh, my forearm pressing into Peter's neck as he begins gagging. I only push hard enough to make him uncomfortable, I don't want him to pass out before hearing what I have to say. In a deadly voice I hiss, "I understand why you're worried, Peter. The events in that fight certainly proved that you are a miserable coward."

Peter stares back at me, expressionless.

"So now we all know," I say quietly, "that you are afraid of a short, skinny girl from Abnegation." My mouth then curls into a smile. "And now I am going to show you why should be afraid of  _me_." I pull my arm back and make a fist, ready to strike.

"Enough, Four!" Eric screams and gets in between us.

"Peter, you are dismissed from the rest of training for today. And your win today will be stripped. Get out of our sight," Eric says calmly, not really looking that upset with Peter. I get the sense that Eric is saying only what he  _needs_ to say as Peter's cheating ways have now been made obvious to all.

The moment Peter turns the corner, Eric and I lock eyes. Both of us are livid.

"That is my initiate, you should not have interfered!" I scowl.

"Are you kidding, Four?! You looked like you were about the beat the living piss out him. What is that all about?" Eric smirks while studying me intently. "If I didn't know better, I would ask myself if you are developing real feelings for your little Stiff initiate. First you are Mr. Mom for her bastard kid and now you were just about to fight for her honor."

I wipe all emotion off my face as a stare Eric down, the last thing I need is for him to realize just how much Tris Prior means to me. I would love nothing more than to rip his pierced tongue out for calling Natty a bastard. But I know I'm at a disadvantage here.

"Or maybe I am the one who is wrong. Are you already tapping that ass?" Eric asks while laughing.

I want to kill Eric, but I know I can't do anything about it. He outranks me, and I know he would just love a good reason to report me to Max. When Eric sees no emotional response out of me, he just rolls his eyes and enters the training room so he can continue to assign fights.

Once he is gone, I take a moment to breathe in and out to calm myself. I desperately want to run and check on Tris, but I know that will look bad. I make a mental note to talk to Zeke and Shauna; I may not be allowed to scare the shit out of Peter while roughing him up…but they can. I want to make sure he never bothers Tris- or any other initiate- again.

I enter the training room and arrive just as the Dauntless pair that fought after Tris finishes. Lauren takes great pride in writing the win for Tris. Peter was disqualified for cheating.

I stand back and watch as Eric gleefully runs the remaining fights to finish the day.

* * *

At the end of training I announce to all initiates that they are to stay away from the infirmary, trainers will be taking the lead on checking on initiates that are still there. Lauren gives me a funny look as I didn't clear my announcement with her. I also don't think she will care as all of her Dauntless born have already been released.

I don't want anyone disturbing me when I run to check on Tris. I don't care if it is selfish, I need to see she is ok for myself.

The moment I enter the infirmary, the head nurse motions in the direction of Tris's bed. I approach quietly, unsure of what I will find. She is lying silently on a bed; if I didn't know any better, I would assume she was just sleeping. I step closer in order to carefully run my fingers over her nose and cheekbones to rule out any breaks, then I feel her pulse, and lean in close to hear her steady breathing. Even the bump on the back of her head where Peter last kicked her, though swollen, doesn't seem serious.

She isn't badly injured by Peter, but she could have been. My hands shake when I pull away from her. In that moment, I realize that I can't ignore what I feel. I care deeply for her. I may even still love her. If I am honest…I doubt I ever stopped.

My fingers tremble as I gently reach to move her hair out of her face, unable to fight the strong desire I have to touch her again.

"Four?" she whispers. Her eyes look confused as to why I am touching her. Or maybe she is confused in general. Heat rushes to my cheeks, I was not expecting her to catch me caressing her face and hair.

I clear my throat and sit up straight, as though I am just an instructor that is checking on his initiate.

"Tris, what do you remember?" I ask quietly, studying her.

She frowns, and sadly shakes her head. "I remember that Peter was beating the crap out of me. I assume I lost?"

I smile at her, slipping my hand to pull the hand she first punched Peter's side with into mine. Her eyes quickly dart to watch me, but she doesn't pull away.

"Actually…you won," I say, calmly examining her badly injured hand. I carefully show her the damage and explain to her how Peter was caught cheating. Tris shakes her head in disbelief, stunned at how low Peter would stoop to win.

"Look, it doesn't matter how…but I just want you to know that I firmly believe that Peter will not be bothering you again. I'm taking care of it," I tell her calmly.

She gently touches my cheek; my heart pounds at the gesture. "Thank you, Four. I mean that…thank you."

We sit in silence, just enjoying each other's company. Tris is so tired, her eyes keep closing as she fights to stay awake. I have no intention of leaving her here alone.

Suddenly she gasps awake, "Oh no, Four!? What time is it?!" She tries to sit up and immediately gasps and clutches her side. "Daycare closes at six-thirty! Natty, I can't leave her there…will you help me get up?"

I shake my head and tell Tris to sit tight while I get the nurse. As I suspected, because of Tris's head injuries she will need to stay in the infirmary another two full hours. Tears fill her eyes, she looks panicked.

"Tris, calm down. I will get Natty from daycare and bring her home. We will wait for you there, okay?" I ask her, not sure if she will be willing to let me take care of the baby again. I don't just want to assume.

"You would do that?" Tris asks meekly.

I just nod my head, afraid of what my voice would give away.

_I would do anything for her. Anything._

* * *

After my escape from the daycare center with Natty I walk to the apartment as quickly as I can. I look over my shoulder to make sure that the daycare director, Diana, is not following me. Wow, that girl is so pushy and direct.

The moment she saw I was picking Natty up for Tris, she began to offer to clear her schedule and spend all evening with me and the baby, making sure to tell me how she would love to get to know me better.

I tried very hard to keep the look of horror off my face. It would not be smart to piss off the daycare director, for Natty's sake. I informed her that Tris was badly injured in training today, and that we would not have time for any social visits.

And then I ran out as fast as I could, like a coward. Some of these more aggressive Dauntless women scare the crap out of me.

"Four! Wait! Slow down!" I hear Uriah yelling from down the hallway.

I stop and turn around, holding Natty to my chest, her diaper bag hanging off my shoulder. I smile at Uriah, I am sure he wants to know about Tris. I nod at him, motioning for him to talk.

"I was able to see Tris…I know, I know…you wanted us to stay away. But I couldn't," he says firmly. I fight to keep my face neutral. Of course he couldn't.

"Anyways, she mentioned that you were going to watch Natty until the infirmary would release her. I'm glad I caught you. I wanted to take the baby off your hands. My mom asked me to bring her by to meet her and Zeke and Shauna are over too," Uriah finishes, sounding excited about his plans.

I frown, instantly feeling possessive of the baby. I was looking forward to spending some time with her. There is a part of me that realizes as Tris's boyfriend, Uriah has more of a reason to spend time with Natty. And then there is the part of me that doesn't give a shit.

Smiling, Uriah holds out his arms. "I assume that's okay with you…hand her over, Four."

My back straightens. "Actually, it's not okay. Tris is my initiate, and she and the baby live in my home. The last I spoke to Tris, I made a commitment to her. I would be watching the baby, I am the one who signed her out of daycare and I am bringing her home," I state firmly.

Uriah's mouth falls open. After he recuperates he asks, "Well…are you willing to bring Natty over to my mom's place? They are all expecting her."

"It's been a really long day Uriah. I'm tired and Tris will be tired when she gets home. As I just explained, my agreement with Tris was that I bring her child straight to her apartment. I am not comfortable changing the plan. So stop asking me to," I say firmly.

Uriah nods as I walk away.

* * *

About thirty minutes into my evening with Natty, she decides to not only poop, but completely blowout her diaper. I have never in my entire life dealt with something so disgusting. I manage to find a couple of plastic grocery store bags to help with the clean up. One for the soiled diaper and the eighteen wipes I needed, the second for her soiled clothing. I have no idea whether Tris will attempt to clean that abomination.

Once I have Natty in her fresh diaper I carry her over to the drawer that Tris uses in search of her pajamas. As I am balancing the baby in one arm and using the other to rummage, I accidently drop a few clothing items, which then land on the floor. Luckily both Tris and I are still pretty neat, which I'm sure we owe to our Abnegation upbringing, so the floor is spotless. As I sit down with Natty in my arms and begin picking up the clothes from the floor, I realize there was a small clutch I recognize from the day Tris moved in. Unfortunately it was open, so the contents fell out. I almost drop Natty in shock when I see the heart locket I gave to Tris so long ago. She has it after all this time. Could she still have feelings for me? Or maybe she did before she and Uriah became a thing.

I slowly pick it up, my heart filling with warmth. I close my eyes remembering when I gave it to her, the loving moments we shared. Natty whimpers and I realize that she must be cold as she is just in a diaper. I pull her close to me, kissing her forehead and warming her in my arms. She sighs and lays her head on my shoulder.

I quickly put everything back the way I found it and find pajamas for the baby to wear.

Later in the evening when Tris walks through the door, Natty and I are in the middle of a game of peekaboo while hanging out on my bed. Her sweet baby laughter rings loudly through the apartment. Tris stops in her tracks and smiles at me. My face falls when I see how badly her face is bruised. I could kill Peter.

"It's not as bad as it looks, I swear," she says softly as she approaches Natty and me. I frown at her and nod. I know it is bad, but there is nothing we can do about it now. Thankfully she is ok.

I am surprised when Tris crawls onto my bed to join Natty and me. She looks so tired and she lays on her side and smiles at us.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have just laid down on your bed. That was rude of me," she whispers. "I just wanted to be close to Natty."

I nod my head. "It's fine. You are welcome to lie down on my bed anytime you want." My cheeks instantly flush as do Tris's.

I clear my throat, God this is so embarrassing. "What I mean, of course when your baby is on my bed…you are welcome to be anywhere she is. Which would include my bed."

Tris and I lock eyes and then we just laugh. She yawns and I offer to help her get Natty ready for bed. She almost gags when I describe the diaper blowout in horrible detail. She begs me to just toss the plastic bag that has the soiled clothes.

As I am laying on my bed, ready to welcome sleep I hear Tris call to me, "Goodnight, Four…thank you for everything. It means a lot to me."

"Goodnight, Tris. Get some sleep," I say back to her.

* * *

I am awoken slowly, not by a scream, but instead low moaning and whimpering. It is a grueling sound as I can hear the pain in the person's voice. Until she screams once, and I instantly know it is Tris.

I sit up and turn towards the corner of the room where Tris and Natty sleep. Without hesitating I roll out of my bed and begin stumbling towards her. I know I need to wake her from her nightmare as soon as possible. I don't know what time it is, nor do I even care.

As my eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, I watch her toss and turn violently in her bed. She seems to be tangled in her sheets; as I pull back the covers my suspicions are confirmed. I kneel on her bed and firmly shake her shoulder. "Shhhh, shhhh...Tris, remember, it is just a dream. It's not real. Wake up."

Instead of helping, my words seem to upset her more, and she begins weeping in her sleep. My heart aches at seeing her so distraught. This is one of the worst nightmares I have ever seen her have. I continue to comfort her, gently stroking her shoulder and arm when she suddenly jolts awake with a loud sob. The noise she makes causes baby Natty to whimper in her crib.

Suddenly Tris is sitting up and leaning into my chest, her hands fisting my night shirt. "Tobias! Is the baby ok?! Please check on her, please make sure. Please!" It concerns me how Tris trembles against my chest, as though she is in absolute terror.

I wrap my arms tightly around Tris as I lean over and see that the baby is safe and sleeping. "Tris, Natty is fine. Asleep and well. She's ok."

Tris nods her head against my chest. "I'm sorry—"

"Tris! You can't control your dreams, you don't need to apologize," I whisper into her hair.

"No. I mean, I am sorry I called you Tobias. It won't happen again," she assures me.

I cringe remembering how mean I was to her the first day she arrived to Dauntless, my jealousy and contempt over Natty driving me to cruelty.

"Um, it's ok. When we are alone, it's fine if you call me by my real name. Only if you want to, of course," I say, rubbing her back soothingly.

She sits up; both of our eyes have adjusted to the darkness by now. Tears still stream down her cheeks as she nods. I notice she is still trembling from her nightmare.

I rub the back of my neck nervously. "Do you…do you want to talk about your dream?"

She stares into my eyes for a moment before finally nodding no.

"Ok. How about I sit with you until you fall back asleep? You lay back down and I will sit right here until you are in a deep sleep," I offer as I pull back my arms from around her.

Tris immediately says thank you, but I see the look of disappointment on her face as she lays back down and pulls the covers to her chin.

Once her breathing is steady, I keep going back to her look of disappointment. Could she possibly have wanted more from me? Did she want me to lay down and hold her like I used to after a nightmare?

I then just sigh, remembering that she is dating Uriah. I close my eyes for a moment trying to push jealous thoughts of my best friend's brother out of my mind. It is the last thing I remember thinking about before waking up the next morning.

* * *

I am sleeping soundly as I feel gentle fingers caressing my cheek. I moan softly, my dreams instantly remembering special moments with Beatrice. I just as quickly remember who I am now. Tobias is gone, I am Four and this is Dauntless. My eyes pop open and I see that Tris has dropped her hand between us. I'm stunned, realizing I accidentally fell asleep in  _her_ bed. We are laying side by side on the small bed, her under the covers and me on top of them.

Our eyes meet and both of our cheeks get red. I quickly stumble out of her bed apologizing. She apologizes as well.

As I walk to the restroom, I think about how nice it was to wake up next to her. Maybe I dreamt that she had been touching my cheek. Either way…it felt right. I sigh as I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. It felt nice, but it was completely unacceptable. She is with Uriah and things between us are just too complicated. I need to make sure something like that never happens again.

_Ever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note:  
> Just a heads up, our goal is to update next Monday per usual. But sometimes life gets in the way. :-) Panda will be on vacation, so if the update doesn’t work from her phone - - - we promised to post the next chapter ASAP! It would just be later in the same week, and the following chapter should post on Monday as usual.  
> Thanks for your understanding!


	22. Common Courtesy

_**Chapter 22: Common Courtesy** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 ½ months old (July 8)** _

_**^^ One Week Has Passed ^^** _

_***Tris POV*** _

"Shit!" Four mutters. I rub sleep from my eyes to see what he's cursing about at… 5:35 in the morning. Why is he even up? He doesn't usually get out of bed for another ten minutes from now. I hear him mutter a string of expletives as he jumps out of bed and begins pulling clothes out of the dresser, setting them on top as he goes.

"What is going on?" I groan, wishing I hadn't been awoken already.

"I have a Trainers-Leadership meeting in ten minutes," he snaps, gesturing wildly with his hands. "I'm going to be late!" I try to ignore the pang of jealousy I feel; I know that Lauren will be at this meeting with him. Not that it's any of my business that he gets to spend quality time with his latest conquest. Latest that I know of, at least.

"Well, I don't have to be up yet. Can you be quiet, please, so Natty and I can keep sleeping?" I try to be polite, but irritation creeps into my voice despite my efforts. I roll over to try to get a few more minutes of rest as Four runs to the bathroom, grumbling at me indecipherably the whole time. I close my eyes as I hear the shower start running.

But as I try to fall back asleep… I realize just how badly I need to use the bathroom. There is no way I will fall back asleep like this. At the same time… Four is in the shower, and I can't just barge in there. I can't ask him to get out so I can pee, because he's in a rush and worried about being late to his meeting as it is. The bright side of that is that his shower should be quick.

I decide to wait just outside the bathroom door so that I can rush in there as soon as he comes out. I'm glad no one is here to see me, in nothing but my panties and the long t-shirt I slept in, wiggling around like small child who doesn't want to stop what they are doing to use the bathroom.

Four flings the bathroom door open so abruptly that I jump, and I hear him gasp. His gaze immediately rakes down my body, lingering on my bare legs before dragging back up. One part of me is giddy to see him looking at me  _like that,_ and the other part of me is irritated, remembering how many girls he's surely looked at, probably wearing even less. I make a point not to check him out—especially not to look at the part his towel is covering. Speaking of his towel, I can see from my peripheral vision that he's got what I am pretty sure is a hand towel wrapped around him, barely covering his groin and ass. He has to grip the corners of it with both hands to keep it in place and covering him.

Then he rolls his eyes, like he's irritated to see me standing there. "Move, I'm in a hurry!" he barks. "I forgot my clothes out here, I'll just get dressed while you're in the bathroom." I scowl at him, but I  _really_  have to pee, so I comply and rush past him.

I don't notice the messy floor until it's too late. I yelp as my feet slip out from under me, and I feel as though everything happens in the blink of an eye and in slow motion, all at once. I feel that brief sensation of weightlessness as I fall, and I claw at the air, unsuccessfully trying to steady myself on the empty towel rack connected to the wall. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my teeth in anticipation of the inevitable jolt when I hit the ground.

But Four has inhumanly quick reflexes, and instantly his arms slide under my own, catching me from behind. He must have had to turn as he had been facing away from the bathroom, and not had time to steady himself. Now we both drop to the ground, and Four breaks my fall, grunting painfully with the impact, and I let out a startled gasp. He has slid under me and landed hard on his ass; I wince just thinking about how much that had to hurt. And now we are on the floor, Four underneath me, his stomach pressed to my back, his arms wrapped around my torso.

Despite my compromising position on top of Four, I relax back against him in relief, and I feel it, pressing against my lower back, and I recognize it immediately. Four has a  _huge_  erection, and it is pressing directly against me through the thin fabric of my t-shirt. I look over my shoulder and around him and quickly realize that the towel is gone. He's totally bare.

I suck in a quick, startled breath as I realize the position we are in. Four completely naked, his arousal pressed against my back, and I am on top of him, wearing nothing but a thin t-shirt and panties.

"Fuck!" Four hisses at me. My whole face is hot, even the tips of my ears. I cannot believe the position we're in… this is so humiliating! "Just… don't move, Tris."

I sit still, and all I can think of is his erection pressing into me, and my God, he feels  _huge._  Did he grow since two years ago?! I mean, I have felt it against me enough times, I think I would have remembered it feeling like  _this_.

"This is such bullshit," Four mutters. "Why couldn't you have just gone back to sleep, like you  _told me_  you were going to?!"

Do I have a curfew on my sleep habits now? Not allowed to get out of bed before my alarm goes off or something? " _Sorry_  for needing to  _pee,_ Four! Should I write you an apology note?" I scoff as I finally take in the scene in front of me. There is a huge puddle of water on the floor and wet clothes strewn throughout. "Don't try to pin this on me! It's  _your_  fault I fell. Look at the mess you left in the bathroom!" His erection hasn't gone down at  _all_. But I do remember that sometimes it took a while. Like that time we were on a walk and-

"Just be quiet." Four's voice pulls my thoughts away from our time together in Abnegation. "I've heard enough out of you for one day, and it's only six in the morning! Now move forward and get off me. And whatever you do,  _do not turn around._ " He emphasizes that last part as if he thinks I just won't be able to resist looking at his body.

I scoff as I lift myself off him and scoot forward to the middle of the (very wet) bathroom floor. "Oh, you don't need to worry about that,  _Four._  I have  _no_  desire to turn around right now,  _believe me._ " I hear him groan irritably as he slides out from under me. I'm sure that the first thing he does is grab his towel, but as promised, I don't look to see.

"I'm getting dressed out here, so just give me some privacy before you come charging out of there," he barks at me before I hear the bathroom door click shut.

I take my time in the bathroom, giving him privacy, as he had asked. Did that seriously just happen?! I shake my head in disbelief. I think that may have been even more awkward than that time I caught him in only a towel back in Abnegation and made him explain erections to me. I wonder what his dick looks like now? I remember it from his eighteenth birthday, as well as another time after that, when I pleasured him in the kitchen. I remember what it looked like… how velvety and soft his skin was, the way it felt so hard in my hand. But he definitely felt  _bigger_  to me this time.

_Stop it, Tris._  I shouldn't be thinking of him like this, I most definitely should not be wondering what his penis looks like! As if it isn't going to be awkward enough seeing him later after  _that_  little fiasco… thinking about his dick certainly won't help matters.  _I suppose I could always ask Lauren what it looks like to satisfy my curiosity,_  I think bitterly.

To waste some more time while I wait for Four to let me know that he's decent and I can come out, I clean up the bathroom, mopping up the water with the damp clothes he had left scattered around the floor. I notice that the shower curtain is not tucked in like it should be—no wonder the floor got so wet. And the shelf Four keeps the towels on is empty. They must all be in the laundry basket just outside the door; I'll have to get them ready to be laundered so we don't have to dry off with a hand towel again.

When the bathroom is clean, my hair and teeth are brushed, and, other than getting myself and Natty dressed, I am ready for my day, I realize what a long time it has now been. There's no way he could  _still_  be naked out there. So I open the door a crack and call out to him, "Four? Are you dressed? Can I come out yet?"

I wait a moment, but all I hear is silence. I push the door open to reveal that Four is not in the apartment.  _Seriously?! What an asshole!_  He just  _left_! No goodbye, not even the common courtesy of a quick knock on the door to let me know he was dressed. I growl in irritation at his rudeness as I stomp out of the bathroom to get dressed for the day.

* * *

 

"Four!" I call out, frustrated, as he walks by. I've been trying to get him to help me with the new kicks and holds he showed us all morning. "Some help, please?!" I'd ask more nicely, but I can't waste time on extra words. I tried that the other times, and he didn't wait long enough to let me get out what I was asking for.

Four rolls his eyes before shooting me a cold glare. "I have eight other initiates, Tris. You'll just have to wait. It's not always all about  _you_." Yeah, right. Eight other initiates… who have all received his help this morning, while he has not stopped to help  _me_  even once, despite my persistent requests.

It's clear that Four has no intention of helping me this morning, which sucks, because I just can't seem to master these new techniques. I glance at Edward—who Four helped, without being asked to, a couple of hours ago. He has it mastered, as usual. It's clear that my  _instructor_  will not be helping me today, so I'll have to find assistance elsewhere.

"Edward, can you show me what I'm doing wrong?" I call out as I approach him.

Edward smiles and encourages me with a wave of his hand. "Sure, Tris. I was about to work with Myra; I can show you both." I smile at him in thanks.

After Myra and I each try the moves a few times with Edward studying our movements carefully, Edward launches into an explanation—more detailed than what Four gave us—slowing down each movement, taking more time to point out the nuances and little details. When he studies my movements, I can see the studious Erudite he was raised to be in his studious gaze, and when he puts his hands on my hips to adjust my stance, or on my arm to help me get a feel for the correct movement of a punch, they linger only as long as needed. When he watches Myra, there's something else in his eyes, and when he helps her move her body in the right ways, his hands linger. I expected all that. I did not expect the rather sloppy kiss they share when Edward beats Myra by pinning her to the mat.

I am still thinking about witnessing their sloppy kiss as Edward and I spar a few minutes later. Others kissing in public do not bother me—not anymore, anyway. Edward and Myra fit well into Dauntless; public displays of affection are commonplace here. But then my mind wanders back to Tobias—no,  _Four._  I can't equate the man-whore he has become to the man I thought I knew. Remembering all those nights he didn't come home because he was with some whore, thinking of him seeing the tattoo Lauren got in a location  _too_   _private_  even for the anything-goes standards of Dauntless. Sometimes I forget all that and find myself missing him so much… but then I remember all the girls he has been with, I remember  _Lauren_ , and I just—

_Bam!_ Suddenly Edward is on the ground in front of me, clutching his jaw, and I realize that I was paying so little attention to what I was actually  _doing,_  I did not control the power behind my punch.

"Edward!" I gasp. "Are you alright?! I am so sorry!" I reach out, and he takes my hand, allowing me to help pull him to his feet.

Edward just laughs. "I'll be fine, Tris. I could tell you were lost in thought. I just feel sorry for whatever asshole you were thinking about when you delivered that punch."

Myra has joined in on his laughter. "Yeah, you looked  _pissed._  Remind me not to get on your shit list, Tris!" I can't help laughing along with them. Despite my mistake, the moment is light and happy—until  _Four_  finally decides to stop ignoring me, now that I have finally stopped requesting his help.

"Tris, this is training, not a fight for points. If you can't keep focused on the task at hand, then get off the floor and get your shit together. Mistakes like that are unacceptable!" he scolds. Everyone in the room is looking at me. Christina and Will at least have the decency to try not to look long, and Edward only glances at me before scowling at Four. But Peter and his underlings just smirk at me.

I can feel my face and ears, even my neck, getting hot and I clench my fists. This is so embarrassing. Why did he have to yell at me in front of  _everyone_?! I can't believe him! First he ignores me all morning, he's rude to me the few times he does acknowledge my presence, and now he went out of his way to humiliate me!

He takes a few steps toward me. I can't let him get any nearer. I am fuming mad, and I just might punch him. I also cannot stand all these eyes on me.

Well, he said to "get off the floor and get my shit together" if I couldn't keep focused, didn't he? So I will. I turn away from him and march off the mat, past the punching bags, right out the door of the training room. I hear him calling after me, but I don't stop. Screw him! I'm not stopping for him, hell no!

As I start down the hall, my pace is neither fast nor slow, just steady and purposeful, though I don't even know where I am going.

Before long, I hear footsteps pounding behind me, gaining on me, but I just keep the same steady pace and don't look back. "Tris," I hear Four growl, just as he grabs my arm, forcing me to turn and face him. I yank my arm out of his grip and cross both arms in front of my chest.

"What?!" I spit. "What do you want, Four?!"

"You can't just walk out of training, Tris. I hadn't dismissed you. I had no choice but to put Edward in charge so I could go after you, so now you've disrupted everyone else's training as well." He's using that intimidating Instructor Four voice. It won't work on me. He doesn't scare me. I know what a  _real_  threat looks like, and he should realize that—he's the one that left Mother and me with a monster, after all.

"Why even bother to come after me, Four?!" I spit. "I was asking for help with actual  _training_  from you,  _my instructor,_  all morning… and you refused to give me a second glance until you found an opportunity to humiliate me in front of my entire initiation class! So, what? You wouldn't do your job before, but you will now? What, did you need to humiliate me to make us even or something, because you were embarrassed by what happened this morning?!"

Four looks away and literally scoffs at me. I can see the muscles in his jaw tighten as he clenches his teeth. He glances at me a few times with a deflated sort of glare, like he's trying to keep up his tough appearance but knows it's not working. I just stay with my arms still crossed in front of my chest, my back straight, staring him down. I won't let him intimidate me.

He still hasn't said anything, so I say, "You don't get to just not teach me because it's awkward living together, Four! I have as much right to your help in training as everyone else! It isn't like it was  _my_  choice to live with you!"

Four laughs. He actually laughs. "You may not have known that would happen, Tris, but don't try to tell me it was some big disappointment to you."

" _What_  are you talking about?! You're fucking delusional if you think I  _wanted_  this to happen!"

Four grabs my arm and pulls me along, making a few turns, until we are in a dark hallway that has an abandoned feel to it. He must not want people to hear whatever he is about to say.

"If you don't still…  _care_  for me, Tris, then why do you keep the necklace I gave you?" I gasp in shock. I can't believe this! That was put away in my clutch, under all my clothes. He shouldn't have even seen it at all!

Which is exactly what I react to next. "You were  _snooping_  through my things?! How dare you?!"

"I dropped it by accident while looking for clothes for Natty. Don't change the subject, Tris!" I want to slap the smug expression right off of his face. "You kept it. Two years, and you still have it. You brought it with you to a whole new faction! Don't try to tell me you don't still have feelings for me, Tris." This arrogant man-whore bastard!

Still, he's way off if he thinks  _that_  is what it meant. I laugh out loud at his gross misunderstanding of what that necklace has come to mean to me. I can't help wondering why he even cares? Even as angry as I am right now, a small piece of me wants to believe that he hopes that I still love him, because he loves me, too. But so much anger toward him has built over the course of the morning—first the bathroom incident, then his refusal to teach me during training today, and finally that humiliating scene before I walked out—that what I really want is to take his ego down a few notches.

I'm still laughing, and Four is scowling at me. "You think that's why I have that necklace, do you?" I say. "Let me set the record straight then,  _Four_. I did keep the necklace to remember the 'old' you by, but not in the way you think." I take a step toward him, and look him right in the eyes. I will not back down to him. "I kept that  _piece of shit_  as a reminder—a reminder to  _never_  let someone hurt me the way you did!"

Four's jaw drops; he looks stunned. After a moment, he composes himself and his shock gives way to anger. I don't know how he thinks that  _he_  has the right to be angry in this whole situation, but clearly, he's convinced of it.

"Well, given that you showed up with an illegitimate baby," he seethes, his voice filled with venom, "it seems that my necklace didn't do its trick."

I don't think, I just react. And the next thing I know, there is a loud  _smack_  and a sting in my palm, and I realize that my open hand has collided with his cheek. I slapped him. His hand flies to his injured cheek as I turn and, absolutely furious at his words, walk away.

This time, Four doesn't come after me.

* * *

"Happy birthday, Tris!"

I am just finishing my burger and fries when Uriah brings a whole Dauntless cake to the table, complete with nineteen candles. I've never really celebrated my birthday before, and this feels like too much. Things like cake, gifts… it just wasn't  _done_  in Abnegation. It would be too self-indulgent. A day off from chores, yes, but only if you were selfish enough to accept it. I have only celebrated a birthday with someone once, and it was not my own.

I hadn't even noticed that today was the eighth of July. I am nineteen years old today.

Caleb would have been nineteen today, too. He has been gone for over two and a half years now. I wonder if he would have transferred to Erudite. Maybe he would have had friends in his own initiation, bringing him a special treat as well. I bite my cheek to hold back the tears burning behind my eyes.

Christina pulls Natty out of my lap and begins to play with her as Uriah lights all nineteen candles, and they sing a song that I am not familiar with, wishing me a happy birthday. They tell me to make a wish before I blow out all the candles. I close my eyes, and think for a moment, but my wish is not for me, it is for Natty. I wish for her to grow to be brave, selfless, wise, honest and kind, like our mother. Then I open my eyes, take a deep breath and blow out all nineteen candles in one breath. I can't help smiling as my friends clap and cheer.

As Uriah cuts the cake and begins to hand it out, Zeke appears at the table with a wide smile, and behind him is none other than Four, literally being dragged by the arm. Four is pretty much the last person I want to see right now. I am still seething mad over the way he treated me today, the things he said to me… that man-whore has no right to judge me!

"Happy birthday, Tris!" Zeke says. "Damn, you  _just_  missed out on choosing last year, huh?"

My eyes flick to Four's. If he had been born a month later, and I had been born a month sooner, we would have chosen together. I wonder what we would be to each other now, had we chosen together last year. But there is no point wondering what might have been, so I just smile at Zeke and nod.

I see Zeke elbow Four. "Happy birthday, Tris," Four says after clearing his throat. He's still nearly as angry with me as I am with him; I can see it in his eyes.

No one needs to know about our fight, just like no one needs to know Four and my history. So we just pretend, like always, and in response to his polite birthday wishes, I politely thank him.

I clear my throat and turn my attention back to my friends. "I can't believe you guys did this for me! I mean, I've never…" I trail off.

"You deserve this, and more Tris! Happy birthday." Uriah leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I know it is friendly, but I am not used to such displays. I feel my cheeks get red. I make it a point to  _not_ look at Four.

Ever the Erudite, with knowledge on just about everything, Will says, "I guess when you were in Abnegation, you probably never had  _any_  kind of celebration for birthdays for yourself, or anyone in your family, either, right?"

I immediately remember the one time someone in my "family" had a celebration for  _his_  birthday. Four and I make immediate eye contact, both of our cheeks flushing, and I know he is remembering the  _special gift_  I gave him for his eighteenth birthday, less than a month before he left for Dauntless, just as I am. Even my ears feel like they might catch fire.

Four snatches up the piece of cake Uriah is offering him, turns, and quickly walks away without a word. "What the hell, Four?!" Zeke yells after him. Although Four appeared to be rude, I know he is thinking about his birthday handjob. Embarrassment showed clearly on his face and he needed to escape. I'm just glad that he removed himself from this very awkward situation, even if no one else has a clue what was going through our minds.

"Sorry, Tris, I don't know what's wrong with him," Zeke apologizes. "Happy birthday again—I'm going to try and catch up to Four." I smile and thank Zeke once again before he strides away, leaving Uriah, Marlene, Lynn, Chris, Will, Al, Natty and me to enjoy our cake.

"So," Lynn begins, "my sister Shauna said we could borrow her apartment tonight to all hang out. We can eat some more cake, watch a movie…"

I bite my lip, glancing at Natty in Chris's lap. It will be her bedtime soon. "I don't know… Natty will be getting tired soon and I don't have anyone to watch her," I protest with a twinge of disappointment. I know I am doing the right thing by raising Natty, and I don't regret it for a moment. But once in awhile, I do wish I could stay out and be a normal teenager, like my friends.

"Don't worry about that, Tris," Uriah assures me. "Shauna has a two-bedroom, and she and her roommate will both be out tonight. Natty can go to sleep in Shauna's bed. She'll be just fine, I promise. Will you come?"

I think it over, wanting to make the right decision for Natty. What they are offering does sound perfect: Natty will be safely asleep on Shauna's bed and I can just enjoy a quiet evening with friends. I'll just feel bad when I need to move her at the end of the night...but that is no different from moving her from Monica's apartment. I don't see the harm.

"Yes!" I agree. I'm so excited at the idea of just getting to stay out and hang out with my friends! What a perfect way to spend my birthday—the first one I have been able to actually celebrate. A break from Four and his apartment is exactly what I need right now. I was really not looking forward to seeing him later, after all our unpleasant encounters today. "That sounds perfect. I can't wait!"

Christina hands Natty back to me, but grins at Uriah. Everyone around the table is smiling. I didn't realize that they might have missed me when they do things together at night, but it makes me feel good to know that they really want me to hang out with them. This has been the most eventful birthday I have ever had.


	23. Birthday Fun

_**Chapter 23: Birthday Fun** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 ½ months old (July 8)** _

_**^^ Later that same night ^^** _

_***Tris POV*** _

I glance at Natty sitting up in her crib, I have all of the apartment lights on and the radio playing loud (ok, not super loud) music. I'm trying to keep her awake until we walk over to Shauna's apartment. Her little eyes look so tired, I feel a pang of guilt for taking her out this late. And then I remind myself that she will get to sleep the moment we get there. I mix her formula bottle; I'll feed her at the apartment and then lay her down on the bed in Shauna's room.

I make sure the diaper bag has all the supplies I might need tonight. I smile remembering how stressed I used to be about baby supplies, until Four stepped in. I sigh sadly remembering what a long day it has been and all of the issues we've dealt with. The naked run-in in the bathroom, our fight on training room floor, our fight in the hallway after…the necklace, that slap, and then my birthday cake in the cafeteria. I know he was remembering the gift I gave him for his eighteenth birthday, just like I was.

I exhale slowly. I am so tired of fighting with him; it drains me. I know once initiation ends, Natty and I will leave this apartment, there will be no more trainings…and Four will become another stranger I sometimes pass in the halls. I frown, not understanding why I feel sadness over knowing I will soon lose him completely, while at the same time feeling a tremendous sense of relief. Once we are apart, I can put him out of my mind completely. No more reminders of the man he used to be, the love we once shared and most important…I won't have the guilt that weighs on my chest every time I see him interact with Natty.

He will have his life, and I will have mine.

I look at the directions Uri scribbled down for me. It was really nice of Lynn's sister to let us use her apartment for a movie night. I smile looking at the clock, it is finally time for me to head over with Natty. We all agreed to keep my birthday celebration small, especially since I am bringing the baby. Obviously Lynn will be there, along with Uriah, Marlene, Will, Christina, Al and even Edward and Myra.

I place Natty in the baby carrier and swing the diaper bag over my shoulder. Locking the apartment door behind me, I wonder when Four will be getting home. I decided against leaving him a note; we had such a bad day that I figured it will be odd. Plus, it's pretty late now and I have no idea where he is. Not that we need to check in with each other, obviously. Although we have both been very courteous as roommates the last couple of weeks. I remember the time he let me know he was going out with friends and would be home late. Well, that also wasn't after a full day of fighting.

Before I even make it to the apartment door I can hear the loud laughter and music coming from inside the apartment. I look at Natty, knowing I need to get her to sleep soon…I hope this wasn't a bad idea. I also don't want to ruin the gathering because of the baby. I force myself to knock on the door, startled when it flings open and I am pulled into the apartment. A quick scan of the room confirms that only the guests we agreed to are here. I smile, feeling relieved.

Then I notice the kitchen counter that is covered with a large variety of alcoholic beverages. My mouth drops open, I've never seen so much booze in one place. I've heard about Dauntless parties, and this may become a wild one. I consider leaving, biting the inside of my cheek. I feel a little sad, but I have to put the baby first.

"Hey guys! I'm just going to stay for a minute to say hi. I really should get the baby home so she can sleep," I say while forcing a smile.

"No way, Tris!" Uriah says. "Don't let all this alcohol freak you out, we will be respectful of our sweet Natty. I got Shauna's room all ready with pillows so she won't roll off while sleeping and I have a surprise for you, come see!"

I shrug and follow as Uriah and Christina pull me into a bedroom I assume is Shauna's. Just as Uri promised, the bed is all set up for Natty. It warms my heart knowing he did this before we even got here. Christina checks that the blinds and window are closed as well.

"My mom borrowed a baby monitor from her neighbor for the night! Check this out, Tris. We turn this on, and then you bring the other device to the living room so we will be able to hear if Natty makes any noise. But she won't hear the party out there," he explains.

"That's great, guys," I say to Uri and Chris, "but this party…with all the drinking, may not be the right place for a baby."

"It will be fine, and I'm not drinking tonight. I am still getting over that cold and I don't want to push it," Christina assures me while smiling. "So if you want to cut loose, feel free and drink. I'll be in charge of Natty."

I laugh nervously, there is no way I would drink while having Natty here. Christina and Uri laugh too, knowing I would never do that.

I look around, I decide to stay and get the baby to sleep. If needed I will leave later. "Okay, we'll stay. Give me a few minutes alone to feed Natty and put her down. She is exhausted, it won't take long," I promise.

Uri and Chris smile and leave me to it. As I feed my sweetheart I know I will be just outside the bedroom door at all times. It will be fine.

* * *

I fiddle with the baby monitor while we all sit around the living room, Christina and I are the only ones drinking water. The music has been lowered and Edward and Myra offered to pick up the pizzas we ordered, a late night snack to eat since everyone is drinking tonight. There is casual chit chat until they return; we are going to play a game called Candor or Dauntless. I've never heard of it.

When the discussion turns to Visiting Day, I instantly feel my heartbeat quicken. I want to believe Marcus would not come check on me, especially since he was so adamantly against stepping foot in this place once his son came here. But since Natty's life is literally at stake... I won't be taking any chances. I remain quiet as I listen to the others share their thoughts on the day. Everyone sounds excited about the prospect of seeing their loved ones.

What I would give to see my parents or Caleb…for even just a moment. But that will never happen. I've lost them all…forever.

"What about you, Tris? Do you think your family will come for visiting day?" Al asks me.

I brace myself to say the response I came up with awhile ago. This is how I will always respond when asked about my past or family.

"Sadly, I have no family left. My parents and twin brother are all dead. There was a bus accident. I am an orphan and lived with another family in Abnegation until my choosing day," I say, careful with my wording. I am purposely implying that my mother died in the bus crash as well, without actually lying. When we first met, I had told Uri my mom sent me; if he ever asks, I will answer that I lost my mom after visiting day- which is also the truth.

"Oh man, I'm sorry I brought that up. You and Natty are welcome to hang out with me and my family that day!" Al offers while the others are nodding their heads in agreement.

"My parents and little sister would love to see the baby and spend time with her!" Christina chimes.

At that moment Edward and Myra return, sitting and joining the conversation.

"Thanks everyone, I've already thought about it. Because it will be a hard day for me, I just want to spend time alone with my daughter. I'm actually looking forward to everyone else being tied up with visiting day, so I can have time alone with the baby and not have to worry about training that day," I say chirpily.

"I actually have a favor to ask, I'm a pretty private person and I know it is unusual for someone unmarried and my age to have had a baby…if you guys would please just not mention me or my daughter to your families. I hope you understand," I insist, while trying to keep my voice even. "I really don't like people in my personal business."

I need all my friends not to blab to their family members from other factions that I am an initiate from Abnegation with an illegitimate child. There would be a chance that rumor could reach Marcus as faction leader. For a moment the anxiety I have been pushing away resurfaces; to have made it this far and then have Marcus discover that Natty exists…

No! I can't think that way. I would take my daughter and run to Factionless before I ever let that monster near her. I would die before giving her up to that animal.

I look at the baby monitor in my hand, my daughter is sound asleep and safe in the next room. I have decided that I will not even stay in Four's apartment on visiting day. If Marcus were to find out and go to Max…that is the first place they would look. Or even Monica's. No. I will pack the diaper bag and hide somewhere in this compound that no one will find me. I don't care if I have to find a storage closet somewhere.

I will hide Natty until I am sure the day has passed without issue.

"Tris?" Christina asks, she looks concerned.

I realize I zoned out after last speaking. "I'm sorry, what?"

My friends are frowning.

"We were just saying we understand and we will make sure not to even mention you to our families. You seem upset, so just know you can trust us. We are your friends!" Will finishes as everyone nods in agreement.

"Thanks for understanding, guys! It means a lot to me," I finish.

I'm counting on them. Correction, Natty and I are counting on them.

* * *

"Ok, those are the rules to Candor or Dauntless!" Uriah finishes.

So much for a quiet evening of watching DVD movies. The group has been drinking for the last hour and has settled on a game that will involve pranks, embarrassing tasks and revealing personal secrets when asked.

I glance at the baby monitor in my hand, willing Natty to wake up so I can have an excuse to leave.

"Don't fret, Tris," Uriah says while nudging me with his shoulder. "We are all friends here, this won't be too bad. It will be fun, you'll see!"

Christina rolls her eyes, "Yeah, so much fun for me and Tris...playing with an intoxicated bunch!"

"I'll play for now, but I'm not leaving this apartment with Natty here. So keep that in mind when you give me my dares," I say firmly.

About twenty minutes later I am laughing and holding my side. My one dare was easy enough - I had to let Christina "glam me up" to her heart's content. I looked in the bathroom mirror and I was shocked at how different I looked. My eyes are lined with black pencil which makes my normally dull gray-blue seem bright and vibrant. Much darker and thicker than the last time we did eye make-up when we first arrived to Dauntless. She also used mascara, eye shadow and a lip gloss. I admitted I liked it a lot so Chris gave me the gloss and mascara as it was about to run out and she had already purchased her replacements.

Poor Edward is still complaining over Uri's dare that he allow Myra to shave his legs. Apparently she nicked him twice; we heard him howling in pain when they were in the bathroom. I'm just glad they didn't have him drop his pants and shave in front of us all. I didn't need to see that.

Suddenly the apartment door bursts open as Uri, Lynn and Al return, their faces flushed with excitement.

"Did Lynn succeed in her mission?" Myra demands. She had dared Lynn to go to the Chasm and slap any guy while yelling at him for cheating on her. It had to be in a crowded place and a huge spectacle. I was not expecting such a hard dare from Myra; maybe the four beers have helped her loosen up.

"It was amazing!" Uri can barely speak he is laughing so hard. "Lynn, you are my new hero! She even picked the packed Pit herself! So many people enjoyed her show."

Al is chuckling so hard he can't even speak. Lynn smiles proudly but makes it a point not to boast. The rest of the group demands details, some wishing that they had followed to watch for themselves.

"Lynn found Zeke, he was the 'cheater' that felt her wrath! I thought Four was going to jump out of his skin! He looked more startled than Zeke did!" Al laughs.

At the mention of Four's name, I feel a sudden turn of my stomach. I just wasn't expecting to think about him this evening. I am suddenly glad I put the rule in place that I am not leaving this apartment for any reason. I have no desire to see him, even if just to watch someone else's dare.

"Ok! Speaking of Four…you are up next golden-boy! Yeah, that would be you Edward. Four's class pet," Uri says smugly. "I dare you to find Four in the Pit and sing him a love song. And Will and I are going to watch as witnesses!"

Edward rolls his eyes and tries to get out of it because Four is our instructor, it doesn't fly with the group. They all insist that our initiation instructors are not off limits. I feel a moment of worry for Edward, but then I realize Uri is right. Four thinks Edward is so great, he might even enjoy the love song, I think snidely.

Al throws out that Lauren was also with Four at the Pit, so we should make sure the Dauntless born initiates have some dares that involve her. Lauren with Four…of course she is. I take sip of my soda and try to distract myself. I hate that I still let that bother me, and I need to get over it. He sure as hell has completely gotten over me.

The game continues after the boys have left. The dares are never ending. No one has picked truth, for fear of being called a pansycake. Part of me is relieved since I have so many secrets to hide.

_Tris, who was your first kiss? Who was your first crush? Your first love? First time you ever saw a penis? Tell us about Natty's dad? How old were you when you first had sex?_

Yeah, I will only be taking dares.

Later Will sits next to me and offers me a slice of cold pizza, I smile but turn him down. "How was Edward's song, did it go over well?" I ask, unable to stop myself from asking about how Four handled the dare.

Will shrugs. "Four was not amused, but he allowed Edward to do his song. You know Four, scowling the whole time."

I chuckle. It probably would have been funny to watch.

"Finally their group asked us what the hell was going on. Uri explained it was a continuation of your birthday celebration," Will laughs while covering his mouth as he is in the middle of chewing pizza. "Oh, yeah. Four asked me if you were at the party, and then he asked about Natty. I figured since you were roommates he wanted to know if he would have his apartment clear tonight."

I frown. Is he planning on bringing some girl home while I am here?! I breathe in to calm myself. No. Four and I agreed a while ago that the apartment where Natty lives would be off limits for our hookups. Well, my non-existent hookups that is. Whatever.

Will adds, as though he'd been thinking something over, "Actually, our cold-as-ice instructor almost seemed concerned about the baby. He wanted to know if she was awake and who was specifically watching her. I assured him she was safe and in Shauna's room sleeping." Will shrugs his shoulders and takes a sip of his beer.

I'm quickly distracted when Marlene dares me to let Uri use black eyeliner to draw cat features on my face. I frown because I was so happy with the make-up job Christina had done earlier, but I accept my dare. Christina does sit next to Uri to make sure he at least draws a cute cat face on me.

Christina is pulled away when Al dares Will to do seven minutes in heaven with her in one of the bedrooms. I'm shocked when I notice that Christina's cheeks immediately turn red. I have never seen her get embarrassed. The others start with catcalls and Lynn yells out, "Get it, girl!" I realize that seven minutes in heaven may mean something more sensual.

I remind them that Natty is sleeping in Shauna's room, so they can forget about going in there. They laugh and assure me that it not their thing. Uri asks them to use the floor of the walk-in closet of Shauna's roommate's room since she didn't approve the use of her room for our little party. Shauna's roommate it at the fence for a couple of days.

I've never seen Will look so giddy as he ushers Chris into that bedroom. I finally cave and ask Lynn exactly what seven minutes in heaven means. She explains that two people are selected to go into a closed, small, dark space and use the time to do whatever they like for seven minutes. Usually they kiss, make out, have sex, etc., but sometimes they choose to talk or do nothing at all. She laughs and tells me that she doesn't think Will and Chris will just be talking.

I agree with Lynn and laugh. I'm just glad they are not in the same room as Natty.

As the night continues, there are some dares that people refuse. We keep track of the dares that are completed and which ones were passed on. With each dare refused, an article of clothing was removed. Once someone gets to a point where they have no clothes left to remove or they want to quit before stripping – they are out of the game. I'm not even paying attention, as one of the sober few it is much more entertaining to watch my friends make fools of themselves.

When Myra dares Marlene to slip her thong off and give it to a hot guy at the bar I feel Uriah stiffen next to me. I give him a sideways glance and I'm surprised at the face he is making as he watches Marlene intently. She laughs wildly and demands to know what happens if she gets to the Dauntless Bar and there isn't a guy that meets her high standards. Myra decides that if Mar can't pick out a hot one, then she will pick for her. Uriah looks so bothered. As some of group heads out to watch Marlene, Lynn asks Uri if he is coming. He declines and looks upset.

It dawns on me, Uriah may really have feelings for Marlene. She is a beautiful girl, and they are so close as friends. I smile to myself; all I want is happiness for him, and I think Marlene could give him that. I make a mental note to talk to Uri about Mar soon, when he is sober.

* * *

Crap. I can't believe my bad luck. Uriah and I are walking through the Dauntless halls towards the Pit. When everything was said and done, it was Uri and I that were tied for the first place. I tried to just give it to him, I don't care if I lose this game. But the group wouldn't hear of it. Everyone else had quit the game or been forced out, we decided bra and underwear was as much nudity we would tolerate. Not wanting to lose, Al wanted to keep going! Thank goodness he was overruled.

They decided by committee what the last dare both Uri and I would face should be. He is laughing as we walk to the pit. There is no way in hell I am going to win this dare. No way in hell.

Uri and I will be asking Lauren and Four, respectively, to do seven minutes in heaven back at their own apartments. And whichever of us goes "further" with our initiation instructor, then wins the game.

I tried to dig my heels about leaving the apartment but I was overruled as Christina is perfectly sober and she stayed back to watch over Natty. She promised she would guard my baby with her life. So here I am, trudging along to the Pit, so I can offer myself to Four in a game of seven minutes in heaven.

This is awful.

I even have an audience, the entire group came to watch the show. Except Christina, who stayed at the apartment. I sigh, I know what I need to do as soon as I can get Four alone.

As we enter the Pit I spot Four and his friends sitting off to the side, enjoying beer and playing a game of cards. The group hangs back, as Uriah and I move forward. Luckily Lauren is off to the side talking with another set of friends, I can't imagine asking Four to take me to "heaven" for seven minutes in front of one of his many conquests. I cringe at the thought.

Four sees Uri and me walking towards the group before anyone else. He puts down his beer mid drink and scowls at me. I breathe in and out and force my legs to carry me over to him.

I walk straight to Four, ignoring the looks from his friends. Zeke is smiling and laughing at both Uri and I, he mumbles to Shauna that he can't wait to see what shenanigans we have planned. Shauna tells Zeke she is going to beat Lynn down if her apartment is trashed.

"Can I borrow you for a minute?" I quietly ask Four. "I was dared to do seven minutes in heaven with you…at your apartment."

I whisper so his friends won't hear, "Four, I need you to just play along. Of course we aren't going to fool around…but if you could just-" I am startled when an angry Four chugs his beer, then slamming it on the table, he jumps up and motions for me to follow him.

"Excuse me, guys, I need to deal with my magnificent initiate here," he grunts.

I notice that everyone's eyes are as large as saucers as he ushers me away from his group. I don't even think he notices the rest of the initiates that are cowering against the wall as he stomps past them towards his apartment.

The moment we are in our apartment he slams the door shut. I brace myself, our earlier fight flashing through my mind. I can just tell he is going to give me an earful.

"Really, Tris! I can't believe how irresponsible you are being, you need to make better decisions when it comes to your baby!" Four admonishes me.

I feel as though I've been slapped. I'm literally speechless. If only he knew all that I have done for Natty, all the stress, all the lies I have to keep straight. All to keep her safe from that bastard Four calls a father. But I need to make better decisions?  _Every_ decision I make puts Natty first! What the hell is he talking about? Again with his harsh judgements, I'm sick of it.

He steps closer to me, but I stand my ground and meet his gaze head on.

"I would never take a small baby to a damn party where a bunch of idiot teenagers were wasted and acting stupid all night!" he looks so disappointed as he spews his criticisms at me.

"Let me remind you, Tris. You are here to train and get into Dauntless…not run around goofing off and acting like some kind of loose party girl!" he snaps at me.

That is when I lose it. The moment the insult leaves his mouth I feel my anger bubble up. I need space, I can't stand having him so close to me. I quickly move to walk around him and accidentally bump into him. He's caught off guard, or maybe it is all the alcohol he has consumed this evening…he stumbles back and almost falls, barely catching himself at the last moment.

Too bad, I would have loved to see him fall flat on his ass. Oh wait, that already happened this morning in the bathroom.

As funny as that thought is to me, my mind immediately goes back to just being called a damn loose party girl. To have this asshole call me names is laughable! How dare he?!

"What is wrong with you, Four? Why would you call me loose? It doesn't even make sense, I yell at him.

I watch as he opens and closes his mouth, as though trying to choose his words carefully. He actually looks mad for a moment. What does he have to be mad about?! I am the one standing here, being insulted!

"So let me ask you, what do you think would be happening right now…during your seven minutes in heaven if you had been dared to ask Eric?" he hisses at me.

My cheeks immediately get red, I feel uncomfortable at the thought. I can only imagine how Eric, who I've heard is quite the ladies' man, would be enjoying me for his seven minutes. I can't argue the fact that yes, I just accepted a dare that is all about fooling around.

But that doesn't make me promiscuous! I will not allow this jerk to insult me.

"You can just go to hell! I've had with your judgements and rude comments!" I hiss. "You are nothing to me. You are an instructor when we are at training, and just some roommate I got stuck with."

Four's eyes narrow and his face is suddenly expressionless. I keep going, I have a lot more left to say.

"Let me remind you, you have made it very clear time and time again that you don't give a shit about me, or my child…my 'illegitimate baby' as you called her earlier today." I snap, my shoulders shaking with rage.

Four visibly winces when I remind him of the term he used. I did realize, he said it to hurt me because I had rubbed the necklace's new meaning in his face. But it was still hurtful.

"So just shut your trap when it comes to me or my child!" I demand.

He looks at me with such disappointment, then waits to make sure I'm done speaking.

"You are right, I don't care about you **.** But that doesn't mean I'm not going to speak up when I feel you may be putting an innocent child at risk," Four quietly states.

I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach. I don't know which part hurt me more, that he doesn't care about me or that he is concerned I'm putting Natty in danger. I close my eyes for a moment to calm myself. I will not cry in front of him. I will not give him the satisfaction.

"I haven't had one sip of alcohol. Not one! I love my daughter, I would never put her at risk. You have no idea all I have done for her, to protect her!" I exclaim. "I made sure she was safe at all times!"

Four looks at me as his brows furrow. I frown, I know him…if he is making that face it's because he is about to point out some great wrongdoing on my part.

He pinches the bridge of his nose before softly pointing out, "You aren't even there with your daughter right now, Tris. No matter who you left her with, you're her mom. You have no idea if the baby is safe at that party at this very moment."

Suddenly I realize he is right. I close my eyes for a moment. I can't take any more of this. I say nothing as I walk around Four, open the door to his apartment and leave as I quietly close the door behind me.

I walk quickly back to Shauna's apartment, wiping the tears that stream down my face. I just want to get back to Natty as soon as possible. And then I want this night to end.

The moment I enter the apartment I am met with the group, Uri asks me to be honest about how far I got Four to go during our seven minutes in heaven. The group then notices my puffy eyes. I scowl and tell them we did nothing but argue, and he is not pleased with my behavior as an initiate and a mother. I won't talk about it anymore after that.

Uri admits that he and Lauren only made out, he was worried I would win with a hot "Fourtris" petting session. Uriah is just trying to lighten the mood. But it isn't working.

All I need to do is make eye contact with Christina. She nods her head and then tells everyone that it is late, and she wants to walk me and Natty home. Everyone is sad to see me go, but the party will continue without me. Christina will head back after.

She helps me pack up Natty and place her in the carrier; thankfully the baby stays asleep for the walk home.

"Four is a stick in the mud, I heard he was really annoyed all night at all the dares and games we were playing. Will even told me he was all judgmental about us partying instead of concentrating on initiation. He is too much, like he never had fun during his!" Christina scowls.

I frown for a moment remembering something Uri told Marlene and me about Four, and his initiation into Dauntless. From the little Uriah shared, when Four first got here, he was not the man I've come to know today. It sounded as though he was angry, dark, and reckless. I didn't feel comfortable asking Uri for more details than he was choosing to share on his own, so it is still a mystery to me. I look at Zeke and Four's solid friendship now, it's hard to imagine that Zeke thought Four was irredeemable when he first met him during initiation. I still can't reconcile that with the boy that dumped me that same morning. He seemed giddy and excited to leave me behind and skip along to all the fun Dauntless would offer him.

All I know for sure…is that I am confused. The mystery of Four seems to be one I will never figure out.

And truth be told, maybe I'm not meant to.

When we arrive to the apartment door I thank Chris for walking me and the baby home, but tell her it is better if she heads back. She nods in agreement, waiting for me to unlock the door and slip in.

The apartment is dark and empty when I step inside. I don't know why I am disappointed he isn't home. He would probably just yell at me some more, point out a few more instances of what a terrible mother and person I am.

I quietly lay Natty to sleep in her crib and get ready for bed. I feel such a heavy sadness on my heart. This day went from being one of the best birthdays I've ever had to one of the worst.

As I finally lay down to sleep, I toss and turn for hours. Finally around three in the morning I accept that Four isn't coming home tonight. Is he with Lauren? Someone new? Someone else he has on standby?

I hate feeling this way, his angry words ringing through my ears. The reason I feel so sad, is because there is a big part of me that agrees with him. I insisted I would not leave the apartment, yet I did anyway. I could have made better decisions tonight in regards to Natty.

There is also another reason...he's not here with me. He's probably in the arms of another woman at this very moment. I wish I didn't care.

I finally give in to the guilt, sadness and loneliness I feel. The tears come and I can't seem to stop them. As my bed is right next to Natty's crib, I force myself to cry softly; I don't want to disturb her. I don't want to do one more thing that will make me a bad mother tonight.

I cry myself to sleep, not even realizing how long it takes.


	24. Visiting Day

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Stage 1 / Baby Natty is 6 months old (July 15)** _

_**Tris POV** _

Natty chews on my finger as I carry her to the dining hall. She still doesn't have any teeth, but with how often she has been gnawing on my hands and anything else she can get to her mouth lately, I think the first might pop up soon. She is six months old today, and my heart aches thinking of Mother. There are so many milestones she is missing: Natty reaching six months old; the impending first tooth; Natty even has been getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth this week.

A week has passed since my birthday—a day that is more memorable by the many arguments I had with Four—especially the last one, during the truth or dare game—rather than the party itself. He never did come home that night, but has slept at the apartment every night since, and we never did discuss our issues. I suppose we never will.

Four has, however, been really helpful with the baby this week when he is at home. The other day, I was in the shower with my hair all lathered up with shampoo… and heard the baby start to cry. I called out that I'd be right there, trying to reassure Natty with my voice until I could hurry and at least rinse my hair to get out of the shower, but Four yelled back to me. "I've got her, Tris. Just shower for goodness sake! Take your time," he called out. It was so nice to have his help and to know someone I could trust, who Natty was comfortable with, was keeping her happy and safe. In the end, my shower was actually relatively relaxing.

I enter the dining hall, and as though he was watching for me, Uriah spots me right away and jumps right up. He just adores Natty and wants to hold her anytime he sees her with me; Uriah coming right over to take care of her while I get a plate of food is our usual mealtime routine, and today is no exception.

Yesterday when Uri and I were walking through the compound together, it was the same—Uriah holding Natty as we walked. I am thankful that she has so many people in her life that love her here at Dauntless. I remember that as we were walking, we bumped into Four, and he didn't say a word to us; barely looking at me, his eyes resting on Uriah holding the baby, he just frowned and kept walking. I have replayed that moment many times in my mind since then; I wonder why he reacts that way sometimes. Is he judging my parenting again? He offers to help with her himself; he can't be thinking that I shouldn't accept help from my friends, could he? Sometimes—often, actually—he is a puzzle I don't think I will ever solve.

"There's my little sweetheart!" Uriah coos as he reaches his arms out for Natty. The baby smiles and babbles at him, and Uriah baby talks back to her. They are so cute together sometimes, it's like they're having a real little conversation.

Soon as Natty is settled into Uri's arms. I can't help smiling at them. "Thanks, Uri, as always. I'm just going to grab a plate of food; I'll be over in a few minutes."

"No problem, Tris! You know I look forward to my time with Natty! No rush." I wave at Natty before he turns and walks with her back to the table to sit back down with our friends, and I make my way to the food line.

* * *

_**Four POV** _

"Hey, Mom wanted me to ask—what are you doing tomorrow, Four?" Zeke asks as we walk into the dining hall together. "Cause she's doing this whole dinner thing for Visiting Day, you know? Shauna will be there, and you know Mom sees you as a part of the family. My apparently  _growing_  family. Mom is really excited that Uri is serious enough about Tris to include her and her baby."

I scratch the back of my neck. I make a point of laying low on Visiting Day; I don't really think Marcus would ever come to visit me, but I don't want to take any chances. I also do really like Hana—Zeke and Uriah's mother—and appreciate how warm and caring she is toward me.

However, I'm torn this year. If Marcus allows Natalie to come visit Tris, I'd really love to see her. On the other hand, I don't want anyone to know where I come from or that Tris and I were once "family", so that may not be a good idea. Zeke's made some comments in passing about Tris and Uriah's relationship, he still has no idea it would matter to me. Of course Uri will invite his girlfriend; the question is, will Tris have time to go to Hana's and also visit with her mom? While I'm not sure whether Tris will be there… if she does, it would hard for me to be there with them and watch her with Uriah, being included as a part of his family.

"Uh… I'm not sure yet, Zeke. I was kind of looking forward to a day to myself, but I'll think about it," I reply. I know it's lame not to commit to an answer, but I just… can't right now.

Zeke frowns but then shrugs and claps me on the shoulder. "Okay, man. Just come by Mom's place around four o'clock if you want, alright?" I nod in acknowledgement.

On our way to the table we always sit at with Shauna, Lauren, and a few guys Zeke sometimes hangs out with, Zeke taps my shoulder to get me to wait as he stops at Uriah's table. "Hold up just a second. I need to remind Uri of that dinner thing tomorrow, I'm not sure if he knows what time yet." I nod, standing behind Edward, who sits across the table from Uri. Baby Natty is sitting in his lap, smiling at Christina, who sits to his right, as Zeke reminds Uriah of the timing of tomorrow's family dinner.

But then Natty turns her head and sees me standing there. Out of nowhere, she begins lunging forward and fussing. Uriah jerks forward with a start to make sure she doesn't hit her head on the table in the process.

Within moments her quiet fussing has turned to all-out cries and Uriah is calling out to me. "Four, she wants to see you, c'mere."

Why is Natty doing this?! She was fine a moment ago, then she saw me and flipped out. I glance around for Tris; I do want to hold Natty, I really enjoy the time I spend with her and hearing her cry as she tries to reach me is pulling at something inside me. It's almost painful not to snatch her right out of Uriah's arms.

But I don't feel like I should without Tris's permission—she entrusted her to Uriah. He's Tris's boyfriend, and I am just her roommate. I'm sure Uriah spends a lot more time with Tris and Natty than I do. I remember running into them yesterday, Natty in Uriah's arms as he walked through the compound with Tris. I mean, it seems like they're getting more serious; it just doesn't seem right for me to take the baby from him. If Tris were here to give me the okay, that would be one thing, but she's in the food line, too far away to easily check in with.

I run my fingers through my hair, unsure what I should do, and Natty shrieks even louder and reaches her chubby little arms toward me as Uriah again tightens his hold on her so she doesn't jump right out of his arms. He seems completely unfazed by Natty's apparent preference for me.

"Come on, Four! Don't be mean to the baby. It's obvious that she wants to be with you, so take her! Say hello to her. She won't bite," Uriah urges me, now holding her out toward me with his hands firmly around her ribcage under her armpits. I feel my face flush as my friends and the initiates laugh at Uri's implication that I'm afraid of a six-month-old baby and finally concede, scooping Natty into my arms and holding her close against my chest.

Natty immediately stops crying and smiles up at me. She squeals in delight and gives me a big, wet, drool-filled kiss on my chin. "Thank you, Natty," I laugh—her kisses are always more like she's trying to eat you. I see her bag next to Uriah's seat and quickly make my way to it, grabbing a burp cloth to wipe both my face and hers—she always seems to be covered in drool lately. Tris says we'll probably see a tooth pop up soon.

As I finish wiping Natty's face, I feel someone's stare burning into me and glance around, soon making eye contact with Tris. She is still in the food line, her face serious, the corners of her lips turned slightly downward. I immediately straighten; is she upset with me for taking Natty from Uri? This is exactly why I was so hesitant to hold the baby. I really enjoy my time with her and I don't want to do anything to compromise it, and I don't like it when Tris is angry with me, either.

Tris sees me looking back at her. When she smiles and waves, I feel the tension drain from my body. I smile back, relieved that she doesn't seem to be mad after all. Things have been a little awkward since our last fight and I hate it. I hope I wasn't too harsh with her that night—I was just so worried about Natty, and disappointed that Tris would put her baby in a situation like that. I've been to enough Dauntless parties to know that it is no place for a baby—certainly not with the alcohol and dares that were going on that night. Putting Natty in that environment at all was questionable to say the least, but to leave her there while she went out on a dare… anything could have happened.

A heavy, tired feeling settles over me, as it does every time I think of that fight—which has been often this week. I feel like I have spent hours upon hours analyzing my reasons for being so upset. I mean, I have no claim over Natty, she is by no means  _mine,_ in any way. I wonder if part of the issue… is that as much as I want to be done with Tris, I do still have feelings for her—even after all this time, even after everything that has happened. Tris is even more beautiful than the day I left her. Everything that made me fall in love with her in Abnegation is still there, and now she's also just…  _Dauntless._  It's something that was always in her, but that ferocity and determination has risen to the surface and she has blossomed here. How could I help but be drawn to her that much more for it?

That night, if I'm honest with myself… I was jealous. I was jealous of all her friends, who she  _enjoys_  spending time with, and I wish she felt that way about me. The words she said to me that night—though, admittedly, provoked—have not left me.

" _You can just go to hell!"_ she had hissed at me. " _You are nothing to me. You are an instructor when we are at training, and just some roommate I got stuck with."_ I still remember the way she trembled in anger. " _You have made it very clear time and time again that you don't give a shit about me, or my child…my 'illegitimate baby' as you called her earlier today,"_  she had reminded me.

And how could I possibly forget my outright lie moments later? " _You are right, I don't care about you."_ And why wouldn't she be angry with me? I cringe thinking about it.

Even as angry as we were with one another, I knew I didn't want to continue fighting with her. It was clear that we both needed some space. Zeke was reluctant to let me stay with him as Shauna was planning to stay at his place that night, but he can read me well enough to know that whatever went down between Tris and I—though I gave him no details—was not good.

I haven't brought that fight back up, and Tris hasn't either, and I know neither of us intend to. I just hope that soon, that bit of tension that has been humming in the background all week will disappear.

* * *

The next morning **,**  I prepare to check on the transfer initiates, who will soon be in the Pit to see whether their families came to see them for Visiting Day. I can't help but notice that Tris is moving more slowly than usual as she prepares Natty's diaper bag. I expected her to be excited at the prospect of seeing Natalie, but instead, she frequently worries her lip and her shoulders are slumped. Her demeanor leaves me puzzled and a bit concerned.

I clear my throat. "Are you excited to see your mother?"

Tris turns toward me and just stares at me for a moment, frowning. I frown back; I have this awful feeling, a weight in the pit of my stomach, that something is wrong.

"No one is coming to see me today, Four," Tris says slowly. She opens her drawer in the dresser and pulls out the clutch, the one the necklace fell out of. I remember that there was a paper of some sort in it when I put the necklace back, but I didn't pull it out to see what it was.

As Tris carefully tucks the clutch into Natty's bag, I take a few steps closer to her. "Tris," I say. "Why won't your mother come today? Because of Marcus?" I suppose he might stop her. I remember how my father adored Tris's mother, though. I think she could talk him into blessing her with the opportunity to visit to her daughter and granddaughter.

Tris scoffs. She slowly turns to look at me, squares her jaw and straightens her back. She looks tense all over, angry, but her eyes well with tears. I don't understand what is happening right now. I feel like I missed something. Something big.

"Thanks to  _your father,_ " Tris says coldly, "Natty is the only family I have left. I'll never see my mother again. She's dead."

The words hit me with such force that I stagger backward with their impact. When I find my balance, I sidestep to her bed and sit down on it, gripping the quilt in my fists to keep me grounded.  _Dead?_ How can Natalie—kind, selfless, vibrant Natalie—be dead?

Tris's eyes are red and glassy, but somehow, her calm façade does not crumble. I open and close my mouth, still trying—and failing—to get words out when she continues. "Your father beat her to death," she spits.

I reach out for her. I  _need_  to hold her. As I wrap my arms around her narrow frame, that façade she's kept in place finally crumbles. As she sobs into my chest, I am reminded of the first time we met, on the roof of the funeral home. I was her comfort then, a safe place in which she could finally stop holding all her emotion in, and I will be that again now, even as I am reeling at the loss of a woman I loved and considered to be a mother to me, as well.

I remember Marcus hitting my real mother, Evelyn. He would lock me away in the closet or my bedroom as he did it, but I could hear it happening, and the memory of what I heard still haunts me. When Evelyn died, Marcus turned on me next.

Suddenly I am overflowing with questions, the shock giving way to adrenaline that courses through my bloodstream. Did he hit Tris, too? Did she become his new punching bag after Natalie died? How long did this go on? And why didn't Tris tell me before today?!

Tris continues sobbing into my chest, her hands fisting my shirt. "Tris," I murmur into her hair. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think…" I truly believed that they would be safe. Natalie was the perfect Abnegation wife, and he adored her. When Tris arrived here to Dauntless, it never even occurred to me to worry that he might have hurt them. It was never a possibility in my mind.

I stay silent, comforting Tris in my arms as her sobs begin to die down. I don't intend to let her go, but then Natty starts fussing, and quickly that becomes crying. Tris starts to get up and I put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. "I've got her," I assure her. "Stay here."

"She needs her bottle," Tris says, her voice thick and nasal in the aftermath of her tears. I grab the prepared bottle from the diaper bag before Tris has a chance, and scoop Natty up from her blanket on the floor.

I am about to begin feeding Natty her bottle when Tris stops me. "Let me, please. Taking care of Natty… it helps me feel closer to Mother. It's calming." I nod slowly and hand her the baby. We both scoot back on the bed so that our backs are to the wall, side by side. Natty's eyes are locked on Tris's as she gulps down the formula.

I have lived with Tris and Natty for a month now, and I loved Natalie, too. I can't believe she kept this from me! "Why didn't you tell me before now?" I ask bitterly.

"Didn't think you'd care," she mumbles.

I gape at her, unable to fathom how she could possibly have come up with an idea like that. "Of course I care," I grumble. But then I think of the way I treated her that last day in Abnegation, how callously I spoke about our love and what I supposedly wanted from my escape to Dauntless.

But I did mention Natalie just a few weeks ago… and Tris didn't mention a thing.

"I said something about your mother just a few weeks ago, when you dropped that stack of pots and pans," I accuse. "You can't expect me to believe that it didn't occur to you that maybe I'd want to know that my own step-mother was dead!"

Tris looks away and huffs. "I didn't want to talk about it,  _Four_! You and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms this past month. Do you understand that I literally  _watched_  my mother die? Do you know how hard this is for me to think about let alone say out loud?!"

I sigh. I'm still upset that she didn't tell me, but there's nothing that can change that now. So I will push my hurt and anger aside. For now, at least.

"Did he hurt you, too?" I rasp, my voice hoarse and thick. "I mean, did he hit you or lock you away?"

Tris shakes her head. "No. He used me to keep Mother from fighting back. He said that if she stood up to him, he would hurt me instead. When I would hear it start… I would always find myself locked in my bedroom." She shrugs. "Better than that closet, I guess." I close my eyes, again remembering the sounds of belt hitting skin and Evelyn's agonized cries. I never wanted Beatrice or Natalie exposed to any of this. "Then after Mother was… gone… I lived with the Blacks until my Choosing Day." I release a baited breath, relieved that at least he never harmed Tris.

No, he never physically harmed Tris… just tortured her emotionally by abusing and murdering her beloved mother.

There are still so many unasked questions, but one in particular echoes again and again. "Tris… I don't understand why this is the first you've said anything to me about your mother. I loved her, too, you know."

The rage burning in her eyes catches me off guard.

"Because  _you_  left us with him! You knew what he was capable of, what a monster he was, and you just left us at his mercy! Then, to top it all off, you just had to leave that damn blue sculpture out!"

I tense and lean a bit away from her. What does my mother's sculpture have to do with anything? Yes, I left it as a message: one final act of rebellion. I think I was entitled to that much after so many years of suffering by his hand. And I tell her so.

"He beat me senseless for nine years, Tris. Wouldn't you want to leave with one final 'screw you' if you were in my shoes? I think I was entitled, I don't see how leaving a piece of blue glass on my desk could have possibly hurt anyone." I'm defensive and annoyed and there is no hiding it in my voice.

"Couldn't possibly hurt anyone?!" Tris yells. It not only startles me, but even Natty stops drinking her bottle and jumps, then whimpers. Tris takes a deep breath to calm herself, then reassures Natty before continuing. "He came home that night and found that damn sculpture and he ranted and raved about it for hours, Tobias. What a rebellion on your part! Leaving it out, while you were safely away at Dauntless, never to see him again! He went on and on, like a raving lunatic, about how he didn't know what was going on in his own house, and he wouldn't stand for it. Mother motioned for me to go into my room so I did. And then I found myself locked in, listening to Marcus's belt hitting my mother… listening to her cries…" And again, Tris is sobbing, and I can hardly stand it.

I close my eyes and run my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends as if feeling the discomfort will keep me rooted in reality… stop the world from spinning out of control around me. It never occurred to me that when Marcus found that sculpture, when he reacted to it… that someone else would take the brunt of it. I truly believed that he adored Natalie too much to ever lay a hand on her. He had even spent that morning lecturing me about choosing the right wife; I believed what he was saying to me, and I believed that Natalie, the perfect Abnegation wife, would never bear his wrath because she would never provoke him as I did and as Evelyn evidently had. I thought that Beatrice was safe both because she belonged to Natalie, and because Marcus simply didn't give a damn about her. He didn't care enough to want to  _make her better._

She makes her point well. A leopard doesn't change its spots, and Marcus has always needed someone to take his anger out upon. Tris is right, I left that statue there when I knew I would be out of his reach. I didn't think through the possible ramifications of that decision—I didn't think of  _how_  Marcus might expel that anger.

It has been a long time since I last cried. I learned long ago to push away my emotions; at a young age, I became an expert on shoving my grief into a little box in the back of my mind, tightly locked away from the surface of my conscious thoughts. But the grief and guilt that floods me now can't be shoved quickly enough into the little box my mind is creating for it. The tears are hot and a little sticky as they stream down my face—not like water in the shower, as I might have expected them to be. The deep bubble of emotion that rises from the deepest parts of me is unfamiliar and when it expands to my limits, it surfaces as a loud, choking sob.

I don't deserve to hold Tris right now, but I don't care. I wrap my arms around her and sob into her hair. Natty is still in Tris's arms, so I wrap myself around them both. "I'm sorry," I choke out in a hoarse whisper. "I'm so sorry… I didn't know… I didn't think… I… I thought you were both safe. You were supposed to be safe. I'm sorry."

I expect Tris to push me away, but she doesn't. We cry together, and Natty stops drinking her bottle and stares at us with her little eyebrows pulled together and a frown between her chubby cheeks. I don't know how long it takes us both to stop crying and settle into the shaky, choppy breathing that follows an emotional meltdown, but by the time we have, Natty has fallen asleep in Tris's arms. I slowly release my hold on Tris and reach for Natty; she hands her to me without protest, and I carefully settle Natty into the crib, careful not to wake her, before returning to my spot next to Tris on her bed.

"Um…" Tris says with a quavering voice, "do you know of any good places for Natty and I to hide until Visiting Day is over? I still don't know the compound well enough. I'm afraid Marcus might come visit and I don't want him to see me and Natty. I don't think he even knows that I got her back from that Factionless couple and I want to keep it that way."

I frown; I have a special spot by the Chasm that I like to go to when I want to be alone, where no one will bother me. No one ever comes down there; very few even know how to get to it, or that it's possible to. The chasm is a perfect place to hide… but I immediately rule it out. It would be a terrible place to spend any length of time with a small baby, and it would be dangerous to get Natty down there, too. It's also too cold, especially for an extended amount of time.

I might like to share it with Tris one day, but not today. I know of a few other hidden places we could hang out for the day, though.

"There are a few places I could show you. We should wait for Natty to take her nap before we go anywhere, anyway," I say slowly. "I seriously doubt he would come here, though, and we can just avoid answering the door in the meantime."

The idea of Marcus ever laying a hand on Natty—or Tris, for that matter—nauseates me. I will never let that happen.  _Never._  My guilt for what has happened these past two years feels like bricks on my chest, ready to crush me. But the grief… for Natalie, for all Tris has lost… Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.

"Tris, look at me," I say firmly. I need her to know I am serious about what I am about to say. She doesn't quite meet my eyes, so I wrap my fingers around her chin and tilt it upward to fully face me. Our eyes meet, and I sense this energy in the air…a sort of tension. It feels familiar, but it's faint.

"Tris, I need you to know this. No matter what—whatever happens between us, friends or enemies—I will  _always_  protect you and Natty from Marcus. I'll do anything, I swear to you. I won't let him hurt either of you in any way  _ever_  again."

Tris's mouth falls open as if she is shocked by my declaration. We are so close… six inches apart, and I hold back the impulse to close the distance between us and instead stay still, staring into her eyes. Her hand finds my cheek, cradling my face, as she leans in and her lips softly brush my opposite cheek. A tingling feeling is left where her lips just touched my skin as she pulls away from me, her cheeks gaining a hint of pink. I frown when I see the tears in her eyes. I hate to see her cry, and I have seen it too much today.

Tris shakily breathes in as she leans in again and throws her arms around me. I hesitate for only a fraction of a second before I pull her closer and wrap my arms tightly around her, burying my face in her neck, inhaling the sweet, faint honey & apple smell of her hair.

"Thank you," Tris whispers softly in my ear.

"I'm sorry I didn't protect you. So fucking sorry, Tris," I whisper.

We stay like that, holding onto each other tightly. My hand gently rubs small circles on her back and one of hers plays with the curls at the nape of my neck. After a minute I feel her begin to pull back, so I do too, each of us slightly loosening our hold on the other, but not letting go.

We just look at each other for a moment, still holding one another. Tris somehow ended up in my lap, and I hope she doesn't notice and decide to move away, because I want her there, close to me. My heart breaks again every time I think of all she has been through and I want her to stay here in my arms, where I can protect her from any further hurt the world wants to inflict.

Tris's eyes flick to my lips and my heartbeat picks up. Does she want me to kiss her?

Should I?

I am still wrestling with my decision when she leans in and presses her lips to mine. They are as soft and warm as I remember, and we still fit together so perfectly. Her kiss is a little tentative and I kiss her back harder. I feel Tris's hesitance fade away; her hands tug at my hair as mine roam her back, and we both tilt our heads further in opposite directions, pushing the kiss deeper, more passionate, more urgent.

I bite her lower lip and she parts her lips to let me in; our tongues twirl together, exploring familiar territory. I lose myself in the moment, and she pushes herself against me. My hands run slowly up and down her sides and I smile against her lips when she lets out a low moan.

We are abruptly ripped from our reverie by Natty's wail. Reality crashes down around us.  _What the hell was I thinking?_  We were caught up in the moment...that's all. She is still my initiate after all. We still have a very complicated history, she is my roommate, and most importantly, she is still dating Uriah.

"I'm sorry," we both blurt out as we scramble away from each other, and we smile awkwardly.

"That was my fault. But we shouldn't have…" Tris says, no longer meeting my eyes, and she hops off the bed to run to Natty.

I huff and run my fingers through my hair. "No, it was both our faults, Tris. But you're right, that was—we shouldn't have..."

"It was a mistake."

"Yeah," I breathe. "A mistake. We… we'll just forget about it."

"Never happened," she agrees, and I nod at her, swallowing thickly. Just forget about it.

Is that really what I want?

It doesn't matter. It's the way things are.


	25. A Health Scare

_**Chapter 25: A Health Scare**_

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Stage 2 / Baby Natty is 6 1/2 months old (End of July)** _

_**^^ Two Weeks Have Passed ^^** _

_***Tris POV*** _

"Why is everyone so tired today? Let's move!" Four hollers at us as we take another lap around the training facility. "We are nowhere near done, so don't get lazy on me now."

His scowl can be seen across the room. Between the crankiness both he and Lauren have been showing at training these last two weeks and the workouts, all initiates are exhausted and on edge.

I'm keeping pace with Edward at the front of the group again. If I build up a lead now, I'll be able to slow down and get a good look at the clock on the high wall of the training room when we pass it.

The clock reads 5:42PM. I sigh with relief, I am still well within my time to get to daycare before it closes. The problem is that I have no idea how much longer Four intends to work us.

Though Phase II of Initiation started a couple of days after Visiting day, there seems to be some kind of disagreement about the training curriculum at the top leadership level. I overheard Four talking to Uri's brother about it, mentioning that both he and Lauren are caught in the middle as the different leaders scramble to get the trainers to say something that will support their own personal view.

While it is worked out, the trainers have been showing us minimal combat, and we've been concentrating on conditioning. They haven't given us our Rankings for Phase I yet, either.

The good news is that these two weeks have been used to build endurance. Mine was already decent from my previous training and it has only gotten better. Much better. The time I was able to slip away while at Abnegation has been priceless, but now that I am in Dauntless and my focus is on training, the results are incredible to see. I never dreamed I could feel so strong and capable.

As we finish our last lap and are taking a quick water break I see that Four is standing at the board with his marker in hand. Turning to look at me he waves me over and then turns back to the board as he sees me start to walk towards him.

I bite back a groan when I see he is writing out a list of physical exercises we must complete before being dismissed for the day. I hate burpees, which I see listed throughout. Ugh.

"I know daycare closes at 6:30. What time you need to leave here in order to get Natty on time?" Four asks me quietly without looking at me. I smile with relief, he hasn't forgotten about her, and he cares enough to make sure training is done in time.

"I need to be running out of the training room by 6:15 to be safe," I answer.

He nods and dismisses me. I notice he erases the last two activities he had planned from the board.

"Water time is over, here are the last of your conditioning exercises. As soon as you complete the list you are free to leave for the day. We will meet here tomorrow at 7:30 AM, so get a good night's sleep. You'll need it," he barks at us.

I hear the groans that my group of friends quietly make. Our usual gang has made plans to have a small party tonight right after dinner- drinking and a game of strip poker. Lynn's sister and her roommate will both be at the fence tonight, so they are using her apartment again.

I flat out said no when I was invited. They knew not to push me on it.

I smile at them as they quickly decide to still keep to the original plan. Tomorrow should make for an interesting day of conditioning.

I jump into the list and power through it, Four is packing up but taking the occasional moment to watch us.

"Myra, that is not a true burpee. Do it right or you'll be starting over," Four says calmly.

"Peter! If I see you cutting corners again, I will give up my dinner to make you do this board five times. Don't be pathetic and lazy!" Four hisses cruelly.

"Good job, Edward," he compliments.

I am neck and neck with Edward and I always pride myself on watching my technique. I've noticed that Four is careful not to compliment me too much in front of the group.

Thankfully there was no sign of Marcus on Visiting Day. Nothing remotely romantic has happened between Four and me since that kiss on Visiting Day. We both agreed it was a mistake and put it behind us. Four has been kind and courteous to me, but he is even more careful now as to how he treats me when others are around. He told me this morning that the training instructors will have to meet with leadership for a working dinner, so he wasn't sure what time he would get back to the apartment tonight. He rolled his eyes fearing it would be really late.

When at the apartment, we get along well. We have not discussed Mother or Marcus, but on occasion I catch Four looking very sad and usually after he is unable to look me in the eyes. I believe his reaction at hearing what Marcus had done to Mother was genuine. Although the person I once knew decided to end what we had, I do believe he cared a great deal for Mother.

The baby makes things easy for us at the apartment, she lightens the mood. She really loves Four. There is a part of me that wonders if she somehow senses that he is related to her as much as I am. He is biologically her brother, as much as I am her sister.

I push the thoughts away. Natty is my daughter now. Period.

I finish my exercises and stand; Four and I lock eyes. He turns to look at the clock – 6:10 PM. He smiles and then turns back to me.

I smile back and then avert my eyes. Although my friends still have a few more rounds to go, I stop to tell Christina that I won't be eating dinner in the dining hall. I have leftovers in the fridge and since it is so late I'm just going to turn in early.

Christina frowns, she looks disappointed I will not be at dinner. I smile and ask Chris if she would help me and Natty with a shopping trip one night later this week; Natty is ready to go up a size in clothes. We both laugh at how silly my question was, of course she will be thrilled to. That was like asking Uriah if he would like a piece of Dauntless cake.

Christina, Will and Al wave goodbye as I run out. They know I'm in a rush to pick up Natty.

Having a little more time, I can walk at a normal pace across the compound to get to the daycare.

I think about Christina, and how upset we both were during the capture the flag game. I had to force myself to forgive her, my inclination was to hold on to my anger and hurt feelings, while now I am so relieved I let it go. She is a good friend and I'm glad to have her in my life.

My mind wanders to the subject of forgiveness, and I think about Four and all of the hurt and anger I have been holding for so long. Aside from an ill-advised kiss on Visiting day, more important to me was the conversation we had. It was so clear to me the emotion and shock he felt. I do believe now that Four actually thought that Mother and I would be safe with Marcus. Sadly for us all, he was wrong, just as I was wrong to trust his instincts. But there is nothing that can be done now. Nothing can turn back time and bring her back to us.

I sigh deeply. I want to forgive Four. I want to let go of the rage I feel towards him, especially since he is a Dauntless member and someone that runs in my social circle. Although he and I will not be close after initiation ends and I start my new life with Natty, he is best friends with Zeke, while Uriah is a key part of my social circle. There is bound to be some overlap.

I am trying very hard to no longer see him as Tobias, the boy who broke my heart and then left me with a monster.

I just want to see him as he is now: Four. The grumpy instructor, while also my decent and dependable roommate.

I take a moment before turning the final corner leading to the daycare entrance. Stopping to breathe in and out before proceeding to the daycare center, I allow my mind to wander. I also know that the best thing for Natty and I is for me to really forgive him… to have that peace in my life. I remember a quote Mother read to Caleb and me many years ago when father was working late at a council meeting. She would often use alone time with us to teach us phrases that would inspire us to think about life. I can still picture her smile while she sat next to the warmth of our fireplace.

_If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive._

I blink away tears, remembering that day and how anxious I was for Mother to dismiss us so that I could escape to my room. Look at me now, aching to see her once again, having accepted it will never happen while struggling to forgive Four. Struggling to forgive a man, that although has hurt me, I know is still good and decent. I see it every time he is kind to my child. Even if Four and I are not destined to be together romantically, I want to heal. What I have accepted, I  _know_ deep down that my mother never blamed him. She knew that he was just as much a victim as she became.

I push the thought away, it is now 6:31PM. I zoned out too long while thinking. Crap! I run into the center, relieved when I see that I am not the only parent that is running a little late. Diana, the center director, flags me down as I am packing up Natty's things. She is still napping in her crib, which is odd at this time of day.

"Hello, Tris. Natty may be going through a growth spurt, or maybe just teething. She was cranky and sleepy all day," Diana mentions. "She never had a fever so we didn't call you."

"Okay, thank you for letting me know. I was already planning to just eat at home and turn in early. I'll make sure she gets a good night's sleep," I promise Diana as I slowly transfer Natty from her assigned crib into my carrier. Feeling her as I do, I notice that she is a little warm, but they also say that's common when a child has just woken up. I'll need to wait a bit before I take her temperature.

"Tris, I know you just arrived to Dauntless – do you have a basic first aid kit at home?" Diana asks.

I frown, racking my brain trying to recall. Natty's always been very healthy; a first aid kit has never been needed. But I quickly remind myself that even if Four does have a first aid kit, medicine for an adult would not be okay for Natty.

Diana nods and run over to her supplies room. She returns with a child's thermometer. "I can't technically give you medicine, but this is something you should always have handy."

"You are so kind, thank you, Diana!" I say warmly. She is always looking out for Natty and me, and once mentioned that she was raised by a single mother. Her father died while out on patrol when she was very young.

We wave good bye as I leave to get Natty home. It's been a realty long day.

* * *

**+o+ Three Hours Later +o+**

My hands shake nervously as I walk around the room holding Natty, trying to comfort her. She is alternating between screaming her head off and coughing. I've tried everything to calm her down, but now she seems to be getting worse and worse as the evening passes. She has refused to eat or drink since I picked up from daycare earlier.

It's almost ten o'clock, and I know she should be sleeping by now. Maybe she slept too much at daycare? Or maybe she is overtired? I know if I ever keep her up too late, she gets hysterical and then has a very hard time falling asleep, even when she desperately needs it.

I kiss her temple and for the first time she feels very warm to me. I have taken her temperature a couple of times this evening, desperately looking for some reason for her to be so upset. It was always within normal range.

I rush to the restroom to grab the thermometer when Natty begins coughing violently. I move her body around to look at her and immediately notice her face is getting red. Is she choking?! Maybe even on her own saliva?

Suddenly the baby vomits; I'm able to catch most of it In my hand and then turn her over so that is falls down and into the toilet. I rub her back as she alternates between screaming in terror and emptying her stomach. I'm afraid she could choke on her own spit up.

And suddenly she is calm. I wet a washcloth to wipe her face and little neck. She looks exhausted. I sit on the toilet seat while grabbing the thermometer, I am shocked to see that she suddenly has a high fever. I close my eyes and try to remember at what temperature it is considered dangerous for a baby.

I know I need to buy an infant fever reducer medicine. I take her to my bed in order to change her into warmer clothes, she is going to have to come with me. I remember all of my friends are probably wasted by now and in party mode. I also know that Monica is a babysitting for another family every night this week. Hannah babysat Natty this past weekend, but I don't have her home number and she lives on the other side of the compound. I'm not even sure I could find her apartment again if I tried.

As I tried to lay down with her earlier, my bed is still unmade, my blanket tossed on the floor and the sheets undone. Suddenly she begins vomiting  _again._ I rush to turn her over, not caring that her vomit is landing all over my pillow and sheets. I am shocked at how much comes out so quickly.

I've never been so scared in my life. She is so small and she can't tell me what is wrong. She can't tell me what she is feeling. She's completely helpless and dependent on  _me_.

Her screams start again, and this time I begin to cry. My poor baby is so sick and I feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest. What if this is serious? What if I lose her? I know that would be the final straw for me. Losing my baby is something that I could not bear.

"Tris?!" Four's voice suddenly behind me, startling me. During my hysteria and Natty's screams I didn't even hear him enter the apartment.

"Four!" I sob, my face already wet with tears. I've never been so happy to see him in my entire life. "The baby, she is so sick! I'm so scared, I don't know-"

"I'm here, tell me what's going on," he says calmly while stepping forward to gauge the situation, carefully looking over the baby and then the mess all over my bed. His eyes widening as he places his palm on her forehead. "Run to the bathroom and bring back a moist towel. We are going to quickly wipe her off, and then go to the infirmary."

My lip trembles, he is worried as well. I see it in his eyes.

"She has clean clothes in the drawer-" I call while rushing to get the towel.

"No, it doesn't matter what she is wearing. We need to go quickly. Let's just wipe her off," he assures me. "We'll just wrap her in the clean blanket and go."

I run back and watch as Tobias quickly wipes her down, he grabs my clean blanket off the ground and folds it in half.

"I can carry her, just hand her to me and I'll wrap her tightly in the blanket. If that's okay with you?" he asks.

I nod to agree.

I swiftly place her in the open blanket he's holding and I wrap it tightly around her while Four holds her. She is still crying but seems to feel a little better after just throwing up. I study her closely, feeling her forehead once more.

Suddenly Four's hand is cupping my face, the other holding my child. "It's going to be okay, Tris. I'm with you in this," he finishes.

I nod gratefully, and in that moment I know there is no one else I would rather have helping Natty and me.

* * *

Two hours later we return to the apartment, Natty sleeping soundly on Four's chest as I unlock the door and usher them in ahead of me. I follow as Four quietly walks over to the crib. Per the doctor's instructions he lays her tummy down, in case she throws up again while sleeping. My heart skips when Four leans down to kiss her cheek while she sleeps. I smile at him and then lean down to kiss her as well. Standing by my side as he watches her intently. I can see that he is still worried.

I slip my hand in his, our fingers automatically intertwining. He squeezes my hand and then pulls me away from the bed so we can talk.

Smiling sadly at each other, I'm finally able to sigh with relief. The stress I've felt over the last few hours has aged me, almost. I'm exhausted, yet I can't imagine sleeping because my emotions are so heightened.

"Hey, Natty's okay. You can breathe now," Four says, pulling me into his arms. Before he even has me against him I'm wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging him tightly to me.

Natty caught a bad virus, very common for young children. Although it presents as a serious issue, if we keep an eye on it and follow the doctor's instructions she will be fine.

"l'll strip your sheets and get the wash started. Why don't you go over the instructions for tonight, and would you mind reading them out loud? I want to make sure we don't miss anything," Tobias says while he begins pulling the sheets Natty vomited on off my mattress.

My mouth falls open, he's already done so much. It didn't even occur to me that he'd help me this evening with everything that needs to be done. The doctor advised us that Natty needs to be woken up every four hours to be given her medicine and then cool baths as needed.

The doctors want to see her again at 10 AM, as she will most likely get another IV. She was given an IV to push fluids because she was getting dehydrated. They warned us not to feed her unless she acts thirsty, and then only a small amount of pediatric juice that will supply nutrients and electrolytes. They don't want her to throw up again if she drinks too much.

"Four, are you sure? What about training tomorrow morning?" I say meekly.

He turns to look at me, he looks as tired as I feel. "I thought about it on the walk home. There is no way I'm leaving tonight on your shoulders alone. We can do it together," he insists. "Now that the baby is settled, I am going to run out and handle things. I'll go to Max and get permission ahead of time excusing us both from training tomorrow. We are going to be up most of the night and there is no way Natty can go to daycare tomorrow."

I nod with relief.

"And then I'll need to wake Lauren up, I'm sure she will cover for me. She can run my initiates through conditioning alongside her Dauntless born," Four states as he sets the washing machine to start on my dirty sheets.

I nod. "Thank you, Four. For everything. I… I'm not sure what would have happened if you didn't come home when you did." My voice trails off. I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.

Four is now standing in front of me. He seems nervous now, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Tris, I want to talk to you about something… That fight we had on your birthday, I just want to make sure you know that I think you are an amazing mother. Natty is very lucky to have you," he pauses, looking sheepish. "I regret snapping at you so harshly. I'm not a perfect person and my delivery is definitely an area in my life that can use some work. I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Hearing him say the words lifts the pressure I didn't even realize I had been carrying on my shoulders. I often doubt myself; it's hard to swallow the realization that this little girl should have had Mother to call momma. Instead she had to settle for  _me._

Before I can catch myself tears fill my eyes spilling down my cheeks, my lip trembles as I look away to compose myself.

"Hey! Natty's going to be okay, Tris. Don't be scared. I'll rush back to help," he assures me, looking concerned for me. "You aren't alone, Tris. Not now."

Four assumes I'm worried for the baby, not realizing how much his praise and apology meant to me.

* * *

**** Tobias POV ****

I just spent five minutes knocking on Lauren's apartment door, trying to wake her up. She finally opened it.

"Hi, Lauren. Sorry to wake you, I know the initiates are training early tomorrow morning," I say hurriedly. She is wearing a fitted tank top that barely covers her firm stomach, and her usual silk panties. I quickly stop my eyes from roaming down after realizing how skimpily dressed she is.

I just left Max's after getting his approval to allow Tris and me to miss training tomorrow. He made it very clear that she will need to make up the training day on an initiate rest day as soon as the baby is well. He also made it clear that it would be my responsibility to oversee her make up day. Now I just need to let Lauren know that Max is expecting her to take on my initiates.

As Lauren is a friend, I would much rather she do it for me as a favor versus feeling obligated because I went to Max first.

"Four. Well, this is a surprise. I don't mind being woken up... by you," Lauren smiles flirtatiously.

"I need your help, it's rather important," I say firmly. I am not interested in our flirtatious banter right now.

"Sounds serious, go ahead," Lauren encourages me, I now have her full attention.

"My roommate and initiate, Tris, her baby is ill. We just were able to leave the infirmary-" I say before Lauren cuts me off.

"Is the baby okay?!" Lauren asks, her face instantly showing concern.

I nod. "The baby is home now, but with a strict set of instructions for her overnight care. The bottom line is, I need a huge a favor, Lauren. Would you handle training the transfer initiates along with your group tomorrow?" I pause. "Please?"

Lauren immediately nods in agreement. "Of course, that's no issue. Just more people for me to yell at as they run," she says with a smile.

I nod with thanks about to say goodbye so I can rush back to the apartment when Lauren reaches to grab my hand.

"Four, you're welcome to sleep here...again," she says seriously, her eyes conveying a message of promise for more than just 'sleep'.

My back stiffens at her implication.

"No, I want to help with the baby tonight. It's too much for one person to do alone," I state matter-of-factly.

Lauren nods with understanding, her smile letting me know that everything is still okay between us.

"Lauren, nothing has changed for me. We've talked about this," I sigh. "Some might even say we've talked the subject to death."

She rolls her eyes while nodding. "You know, I really wanted to have sex with you. We didn't have to pretend like that. It could have been real," she pouts. "Faking it was your choice, Four. I wanted to be with you."

A frown crosses my face, remembering my poor choice to not only stay on Lauren's couch all those nights, but also to make everyone believe our relationship had become sexual. In reality, it was nothing like that. I have never had a romantic relationship with Lauren; we've never even kissed.

"Lauren, I am not looking to hook up with anyone right now. I just needed people off my back about not having sex recently," I explain, while lying through my teeth. It's never bothered me what people think. I dislike nosy people, they irritate me. I know I did this because of Tris.

"I'd appreciate it you never told anyone about our lie, I just…" I rub the back of my neck with my hand nervously. "I don't even know why."

Lauren shrugs, I know she doesn't really care. The main reason we called it off when we did is because she was horny and wanted to hook up with another friend, but didn't want it to look like she was stepping out on me.

"Four, forget about it. I'll never tell anyone; it's no longer something that anyone thinks about anyways. Although not exclusively, I'm dating Charlie now," she reminds me.

Smiling at her, I thank her again and quickly excuse myself. I need to get back.

I cringe as I walk home, remembering the day I choose to lie to everyone: that dinner where I realized that there was something between Tris and Uriah. I was so jealous and bitter. I couldn't sleep at home. I lied about Lauren and I having sex because was angry and embarrassed. I did this because I'm ashamed to be a twenty year old virgin, while Tris has had a child with some amazing guy who is now dead, and was just starting a romance with the brother of my best friend.

What a waste of energy, Tris didn't care in the least about me and Lauren. She is so over me. And now that I know about what my father did to her, ruining her life, how could I blame her?

My heart lurches when I think about Natalie and how my father is truly a monster. Tris's mother is dead.

Something I had believed about my own mother for many years.

It was the shock of my life when Evelyn revealed herself to me. In her desperation to escape Marcus, she faked her death and left. She left, while leaving me behind.

My mother invited me to leave Dauntless and join her in leading Factionless, assuring me that her people would rise and end the five factions. Some of my mother's points rang true to me. In many ways the concept of being one way, to fit into one faction, does not sit well with me. I don't believe that being just one thing is being the best person that one can be.

Evelyn confessed that she had made a mistake in abandoning me and wanted to rebuild our relationship.

I have not heard from her since I sent her the note refusing her offer. I never even considered it, not for one moment. Deep down, even then, I knew that if there was even a chance that Tris would choose Dauntless…that is where I needed to be.

Even with my hesitation over the factions, it was never enough to completely give up on Tris. I quickly push thoughts of Evelyn away. She's not a part of my life in any way.

My only concern is Natty right now and helping Tris to care for her.

I've realized that all of my feelings for Tris that I have been trying to push away are still there. As much as I wanted to hate her, I never could. How could I hate the only girl that I have ever loved? How could I hate the girl who gave me her heart, only for me to treat her so cruelly when I said goodbye?

I know this is going to be a long and stressful night with Natty. Breaking into a jog, I feel a need to rush back to make sure that both Natty and Tris are okay.

* * *

**** Tris POV ****

As Natty sleeps and I continue to disinfect the apartment, I keep glancing at the front door in hopes that he will return soon. I scold myself for being ridiculous, I try to ignore my jealous feelings towards Lauren. I know that he is probably with Lauren by now, he needs to ask her to handle his training responsibilities tomorrow and he said he would go to her apartment after he spoke with Max.

I have no right to be angry about Four and Lauren having been together, it had nothing to do with me. It's not like Four and I were together, or even civil during that time. Still, every time he is with her now, it eats at me. I'm so jealous, no matter how much I try to push the feelings away.

My heart flutters; he has really pulled through for me tonight. If I am honest with myself, Four has been really good with Natty for a while. I have no doubts that he cares deeply for the baby. My heart melts every time I see proof of it.

I close my eyes replaying everything Four did tonight. He took the lead at the infirmary; when they minimized our concerns and wanted us to just sit and wait, Four jumped into action, respectfully but forcefully demanding that a doctor see the baby immediately.

" _This is a serious matter, our baby needs medical attention_ now _. I want to speak to a supervisor, immediately!" Four growled, his tone sending shivers down my spine._

 _Our baby_. Four called Natty  _our_  baby. And it made my heart skip a beat. He pushed and pushed until Natty got the help she needed. He was strong when I needed him the most.

I can't deny what I have been fighting for so long. It's not even about the love I used to feel for him.

I am falling in love with Four, as he is now. And it scares me, because I know what it feels like to be hurt by him.

I jump, startled when he rushes through the front door. Our eyes meet. He looks so concerned but then relaxes when he sees that I am calm and Natty is still sleeping. We exchange a small smile.

"Tris, how is Natty? Has she been sleeping the whole time I was gone?" Four asks me while checking on her himself and then walking over to me.

"She has, everything is okay." I pause, watching him step closer to me. "I'm so glad you're back, Four."

"Me too, Tris," he says while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

We sit down to have a cup of tea, Four fills me in on the arrangements he made with Max and Lauren. Four gets out the instructions from the doctor and we set up Natty's medicine and set alarms.

"Four, I want to thank you for handling things so well at the infirmary." I pause to compose myself. "You got Natty the care she needed."

The tips of Four's ears turn red and he nods, he seems embarrassed to hear my praise.

"And I have to admit, after we were seen and Natty was cleared of anything serious… I really enjoyed being at the infirmary. Are the doctors Dauntless trained?" I ask curiously and then a yawn takes over, and Four's eyes widen. I am just now realizing how exhausted I am.

"I'm not sure about the doctors' training and crap! I need to get your sheets in the dryer, it will take at least an hour to dry," Four mumbles as he runs to take care of the laundry.

I smile at him, he is still so sweet. I see it in the moments he lets his guard down, when he drops the façade of cold instructor.

Returning, he sighs, sitting back down at the barstool that is next to mine. "Sorry, I should have moved them over earlier," he mumbles.

"Thank you, Four. For everything you have done for us." I pause to compose myself. "It means so much to me, what I want to say is… You mean so much to me."

Our eyes lock, Four seems to be studying me so intently.

"Tris, I have to tell you that-"

We both are startled when Natty screams from her crib. I know my baby's cries, this one is pure terror. I reach her first and scoop her in my arms, her face is red and she screams, seeming as though she is in agony.

"Four?!" I cry, panicked.

"Remember what Dr. Paul said about Natty, she will have an upset stomach and as a baby the feeling of nausea will scare her. But it is not as bad as it seems," Four says calmly while rubbing my back.

Suddenly Natty projectile vomits – all over me. My shirt, my hair, even down my cleavage. We rush her into the bathroom as she continues. It gets all over me. I'm sure I look horrified and Four's mouth is hanging open.

"Sit," Four instructs me as he guides me to sit on the closed toilet seat. He turns on the shower and brings over a plastic bag for the soiled clothes.

Natty vomits once more and then she appears to soothe herself.

"That must have given her some relief, she just needed to get it out," Four whispers.

I nod, starting to feel gross now that I'm completed covered in baby vomit. "She has calmed down, but we need to clean up. Do you mind checking the water temperature? Cool water will help with her fever," I ask him.

After checking the water temperature Four and I stare at each other while standing close together in the bathroom. I need to get undressed and get in.

Clearing his throat, "Tris, I'll take Natty and bring her to you after you are done cleaning yourself off. Please throw your clothing in the plastic bag, I'll start the next load of laundry."

I watch as Four walks out of the bathroom with Natty, my heart beating out of my chest. I quickly shower and then call for Natty for when I am ready.

"You decent?" Four asks before entering the bathroom with the baby.

"Well, I'm in the shower…but just pass me the baby without looking," I instruct him.

I hear Four chuckle, as he walks in. Natty is naked already as his hands reach into the shower, past the curtain, he assures me his eyes are closed.

"I've got her," I tell Four. True to his word, his eyes are tightly closed.

She is a little slippery, I've never been skilled at bathing the baby while standing in the shower. "Four, will you stay in the bathroom? In case I need you to grab her?"

"Of course, let me know how I can help," Four says. "I also laid out her clothes and diaper. She's due for her medicine too. I've got it all ready for her."

After Natty is clean and wet I realize how slippery she really is. I'm scared Four may drop her if he does his eyes-closed-grab thing. I bite my lip nervously.

"Four, she's ready for you, but… Well…" I say uneasily. "She's really slippery, I'm scared I'll drop her while handing her to you."

I hear him clear his throat, sounding nervous as well.

"Tris, I promise not to look at you but we should open the curtain so I can grab the baby while seeing what I'm doing," he says nervously.

I hold Natty to my chest as Four slowly opens the curtain, our eyes meeting. I feel my cheeks get red.

Four nods at me, his eyes never roaming down. I kiss Natty's head before I lean towards him so he can grab her. I try to ignore the way my stomach jumps at being so close to him while naked.

When our eyes meet, all I think about is how much I  _want_  him and also how exposed I am.

* * *

**** Tobias POV ****

I wipe my palm on my pants before opening the shower curtain. I remind myself to only look in Tris's eyes.

_Grab the baby and go._

_Grab the baby and go._

_Grab the baby and go._

_Holy shit! Tris looks so good._

Tris blushes, I nod to let her know I'm ready when she is. I watch as she kisses Natty's head and then leans towards me so that I can grab the baby. Looking down at the baby so I can grab her I can't help but see Tris' beautiful breasts, I quickly turn my attention back to Natty so I can grab her.

Tris frowns, I can see she is upset as I pull Natty to my chest and wrap a towel around her. I'm about to step out of the bathroom when the look on Tris's face burns into me.

Making sure Natty is warm and wrapped tightly I turn my attention to Tris who now has the curtain positioned in a way that covers her body, "Hey, um…I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable. I can see you are upset."

"It's not you, it's me. I'm just embarrassed…I just, I guess I just have the same insecurities I had the last time you saw my boobs!" Tris ends with a self-deprecating joke. I hear the sadness in her voice.

"As I told you that night, your breasts are amazing and perfect. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about," I say firmly.

"Thank you, um… You better take Natty, I'll be out soon," Tris says, she gives me a smile.

My heart is beating out of my chest, I try to forget about how amazing her tits looked. The memory of kissing and touching her breasts is one that I have fantasized about many times over the years. Any sensual thoughts have always been about her, only her.

I push those thoughts aside and concentrate on Natty. She is completely exhausted from getting sick. She takes her medicine easily and I'm so relieved that she doesn't throw it up. I'm almost done dressing her when Tris steps out of the bathroom wrapped only in a towel.

Any awkwardness forgotten as Tris rushes over to see how her baby is doing. Tris kisses Natty on the cheek while I hold the baby in my arms.

"I've got her, if I walk her around I can tell she is about to zonk out. Get dressed, I'll put her to sleep," I offer. "I'll make sure the alarm is set for her next medicine time."

I'm surprised when Tris reaches up to kiss my cheek, "Four, thank you for everything. It means so much to me," she whispers.

I nod, watching as Tris walks past me to grab a shirt and panties out of her dresser. She walks back into the bathroom to change there.

I gulp quickly, admiring how beautiful she is.

Natty is sleeping soundly when I place her tummy down in her crib. I stand quietly next the the crib watching the baby closely. I love her so much, I can't imagine if something ever happened to her.

I love this baby.

When did this happen? I don't even know the answer. I just know that it's true.

I lose track of time as I stand there, watching the baby sleep peacefully. Suddenly I feel Tris's arms circle around my waist as she hugs me. My arms automatically hug her back.

I lean down and kiss Tris on the forehead before pulling her away from the crib.

Now that the baby is not in my arms I take a moment to appreciate how fucking hot Tris looks. She is wearing an oversized shirt and I can only guess panties underneath. I get aroused just thinking about how beautiful she is, and what it feels like to hold her close to me.

I run my hands up and down the sides of her arms while leading her to my bed.

"Your sheets won't be dry for a while and then then we'd need to make your bed. Why don't you just lie down with me?" I ask huskily, trying to control my voice to stay calm.

Tris turns around in my arms to face me, her hands now resting on my chest as she nods. "Thank you, Four," she whispers. She's staring at my lips again.

I can't take it anymore. I lean down and capture her lips with my mouth, kissing her hungrily and forcefully. There is no mistake this time; I want to kiss her. I  _need_  to kiss her.

Tris moves her arms around my neck, standing on her tiptoes to press herself closer to me. I deepen the kiss, my tongue invading her mouth as our kiss becomes frantic. My hands move down her lower back, then grabbing her ass and squeezing and pushing her tightly against me.

"Four," she whimpers while softly raking her nails through my hair. I begin kissing down her neck, seeing her tattoo of ravens on her collarbone. I gently trace my fingers along the three birds before kissing each one. Having noticed right when she first got her tattoos, I bring her right wrist to my lips and kiss the fourth raven. She trembles in my arms.

"Tris," I whisper, I'm desperate to have more of her.

We look into each other's eyes and smile while slipping our exploring hands up the other's shirt. We grin as we explore and touch each other, I cup her breast then rolling her nipples with my fingers. Tris gasps as I bend down and lick her nipple over her shirt.

I pull off my shirt, I've not shown my chest to anyone since I last showed it to Tris while in Abnegation. She admires my built chest, tracing her fingertips up and down my stomach.

Suddenly her fingertips trace the start of my tattoo that is visible to her.

"Would you like to see my tattoo?" I ask. Tris nods immediately to encourage me.

I turn my back to her and hear her gasp. It's the first time I've shown anyone.

I quickly explain that having the five factions on my tattoo is important to me because I don't agree people should be one thing. I want to work on many different traits.

"Four, it's incredible," she whispers and suddenly her arms wrap around my waists and she is planting loving kisses on my back.

My dick actually twitches over how loving and kind Tris is being.

When I can't take another moment I turn around to face her, kissing her once more. Her mouth opens hungrily to kiss me with ardor.

I slowly begin to pull her shirt off, careful to make sure she is comfortable. Tris smiles at me as I do. I kiss her again while backing her towards the bed.

"You're so beautiful, Tris. Your body is amazing, you are amazing," I say while kissing her neck her shoulders.

Tris whimpers with passion. I pull the covers back and smile as we both lie down and embrace, kissing once again. I pull her close to me, letting her feel how hard I am.

"Oh, Four… You're so- I'm so- I need you," she says while pressing close to me. I lean down and begin gently kissing her tits.

When Tris arches her back I slide one hand down to gently trace the top elastic of her underwear. It's my way of asking her if this is okay. I want to pleasure her. More than I've ever wanted to do anything before.

Tris gives me a small laugh, "If I remember correctly, you owe me a belated birthday gift."

I smile, remembering we were waiting until her seventeenth birthday for me to use my hand to make her come.

"Can I give it to you now?" I ask huskily. "Better late than never."

"Yes, please." She moans. I lean down kissing between her breasts, then to her stomach slowly. My fingers hook into the side of her panties and I begin to pull them down slowly. She mewls with anticipation.

With only details I've heard from friends as a guide I move forward. Once her panties are off I move up to kiss her again, our tongues moving together in unison. My hand slips down her stomach slowly until I am touching her sweet lips. She is so wet for me, which I know is a good thing. She wants me as much as I want her.

I lay her on her back and push myself roughly in between her legs, Tris panting and pushing her core against my erection. I quickly slip my hand back in between us. She cries out loudly as I begin my slow strokes around her clit. Tris moans softly while throwing her head back. I slowly slip one finger inside of her. Tris kisses my lower lip and whimpers.

Thinking only to myself, I'm so glad Zeke has always been so candid with details of his female conquests. His complete lack of propriety is priceless to me in this moment.

I touch her gently, while experimenting with what she likes based on the noises and small movements she makes. I've never touched a woman in such an intimate way. Although nervous, I'm driven by desire.

I'm stroking inside her of her with two fingers, watching as she slowly begins to build up to her orgasm. Her breathing becomes more and more shallow. She is panting and writhing against my hand, slowly at first and then getting more and more bold.

Her kiss on my mouth becomes frantic, as she begins bucking her hips.

"Oh, oh, oh, yesssssss!" Tris cries out, I feel her clenching around my fingers and her fingertips dig into my shoulders.

Tris is completely spent as she falls back on the bed, a fine sheet of sweat along her brow. She is gasping to catch her breath. She still hasn't opened her eyes to look at me.

"Oh, Four. That was amazing, I mean...wow." Tris breathes out, looking dazed as her eyes open to meet mine.

She suddenly bites her lip and begins stroking my shaft above my pants. I close my eyes and enjoy the sensation for a moment. Coming to my senses I still her hand and pull it towards me to kiss it. "Tris, I can't… If you touch me like that, I am going to want to take  _this_ all the way," I pause to kiss her shoulder. "I need to stay in control."

She nods her head, understanding we need to keep ourselves in check.

I smile at her, "Besides, I want tonight to be all about  _you_."

I roll off of her, and laying on my side while facing her, still pressing my body close to her side. I lean down and begin kissing her slowly. Tris smiles against my mouth and guides my hand back to her core, then bites her lip nervously. I smile, thrilled she likes me touching her.

I continue to pleasure her, and she responds very well. When we aren't kissing, my mouth is kissing her breasts. I love feeling her come around my fingers, and I love that I'm able to make her feel so good.

After an hour of pleasuring her again and again, Tris begs me to hold her so we can both sleep. I'm also exhausted so I pull her naked body closely to me. I watch her lovingly as she dozes off, a small smile on her lips.

I kiss her forehead while she sleeps.

Suddenly guilt racks through me when I think of Uriah. I can only assume they aren't exclusive, but it still really bothers me. Zeke was just telling me at breakfast this morning that Hana is falling in love with Natty. Zeke and Shauna then joked that Uriah's love life will take all pressure off of them to give Hana a grandbaby. I just listened, not adding anything.

I don't know what to do or think. All I know is that holding a sleeping Tris in my arms feels right.

**++o Chapter End +o++**

**END OF PART III**


	26. Current Rankings and Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Readers, Thanks to each of you for reading this story. We wanted to point out that this chapter reveals a lot of information, much from the past. There will be flashbacks and fear landscapes to navigate. Have a great day!

_**Chapter 26: Current Rankings and Fears** _

_**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 2 / Baby Natty is 6.5 months old (Early August)** _

_**Tris POV** _

We sit in silence, Dauntless-born and transfers alike, in the dimly lit hallway outside the simulation room—so quiet that I can hear the intermittent drip from a leak in the ceiling down the hall.

The simulations are wearing on us all. Peter has dark circles under his eyes; Molly's eyes look dead, almost like a doll's eyes. My nails are bitten down to the beds—one is even bleeding. Christina told me that she can't get any sleep at night, between her own nightmares and those of the other initiates she shares the dorm with. These are the effects of stage two of Dauntless initiation, the emotional stage. The fear simulations.

We still do some conditioning each day, but most of our training now involves first sitting here in the musty, dank hall outside the simulation room—sometimes for hours, depending how many other initiates are called before I am—and then facing one of my fears in a simulation.

Today, it seems that I will be one of the last to face my fears; Four has already called all of my friends back, and I am left here in the hall with Molly, Peter, and two Dauntless-born whose names I still haven't learned.

Phase two was supposed to begin weeks ago, but there was some sort of disagreement at the upper leadership levels which postponed the start of our simulations. Now that the issue has been resolved and I have to actually go through the sims, I'm thankful that the argument shortened the duration of this stage of training, though we are now having to go through two simulations some days to make up for the lost time. There isn't time for everyone to go through twice in one day, so each day, one quarter of the initiate class comes for a second simulation in the afternoon. Today will be the first time I have to face two fears in one day.

Facing your fears is hell. So far, I have been pecked to death by crows, drowned in a glass tank of water while Four and all my fellow initiates stood and watched, and stood with my feet rooted to the ground while my family all walked away and left me behind. This morning I faced the hardest yet: someone kidnapping Natty. I could see that even Four was affected by watching that simulation. When I came out of the sim, he was pale, and his breaths sounded shaky.

Four says that in the simulations, our fears are often shown symbolically rather than literally, and that I should try to figure out what I'm  _really_  afraid of. As far as I can gather, the first two were about control in one way or another, and the third was abandonment. I have to say, I wasn't shocked to find that among my fears. My fourth fear doesn't seem to be symbolic at all. My anxiety of someone taking Natty away from me is a constant fear at the forefront of my mind.

I have put the advice Mother gave me to good use and managed to hide my divergence, which could easily have been showcased in this stage had I not known to hide it. Most people don't realize that they are in a simulation until it has ended. Mother was right about me: during a simulation, I know it isn't real, and could probably even manipulate my surroundings if I tried. I don't try, though; to visibly manipulate the sim would be a dead giveaway.

My nightmares haven't changed much, and I suppose that my awareness that what I am experiencing, when in the simulation, is not real is a large part of the reason why. I know most of the others have nightmares about their simulations.

The day before we started the simulations, we were also finally given our rankings for stage one. I ranked fourth, behind Uriah, Edward and Lynn; Peter was just behind me in fifth place. I am pleased with my standing, but it sent a wave of grief through me at the same time. All I could think of was how thankful I am for all the training Mother did with me; without her help, I am sure I would have been near the bottom. But even happy memories bring grief at her absence. I wonder if there will ever come a day that good moments can just feel happy instead of bittersweet, laced with grief.

The day our rankings were revealed, I remember, Christina begged me to skip lunch with her and go to the infirmary. Normally I would have been hesitant to miss out on a mid-day meal—Four trains us hard, and that energy is necessary to make it through the afternoon. However, this day, we already knew we would have a light afternoon after the rankings, and I also really wanted to visit the infirmary to ask about the training doctors go through here. I enjoyed being in the infirmary last week after I knew that Natty was alright, and becoming a doctor—assuming that my rank is high enough for it to be an option—would be a perfect blend of my aptitudes; it would use the Erudite part of my mind, and I would also be able to help people, as Mother always raised me to do.

So, I tagged along with Christina. The reason she needed to visit the infirmary was to have them administer a birth control shot. She and Will have been dating for a while now and, she explained, had been using condoms. They have now committed to see one another exclusively and decided together that the shot was the way to go.

That was all fine… but then Christina started pushing  _me_  to get the shot, too.

"Chris," I groaned. "I have told you over and over! There's  _nothing_  going on between Uri and me. I'm not having sex with anyone, nor do I plan to anytime soon. I don't need the shot!"

"Seriously, Tris?" Chris scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You  _of all people_  should understand why it's a good idea to just get it covered now. You've already got one kid. Wouldn't it be better to avoid another mistake? Just get the damn shot."

Her comment referring to Natty as a  _mistake_  pisses me off, especially since  _I_ didn't make any mistake; I'm still a virgin! But Christina, obviously, does not and absolutely  _must not_  ever know that, and I honestly have no idea what is going on between Four and me… what can it hurt to have birth control in place, even if I don't need it? I bit back the angry retort that tried to slip out and nodded in concession. I have to admit, though I still don't plan to make use of the protection, I don't mind knowing that I'm safe if I change my mind.

As I remember that day in the infirmary with Christina, Four appears at the door and calls Molly's name. Her anxiety is unmistakable as she drags her feet on the way to the simulation room. Four stands back, holding the door, until she disappears inside. He then follows her in and the heavy door swings shut with a creak and a thud.

Four and I have been getting along well since that night when Natty was sick. Natty got well quickly—it was just a twenty-four-hour bug, it seems—and only had to miss the one day of daycare. Four and I made up the missed training day two days later, on what was meant to be our next day off of training, while Monica babysat Natty. It was mostly like any other day of physical training—working the punching bags, doing many sets of burpees and push-ups and so on. Four refused to spar with me, though; it's understandable, given the abuse he suffered from Marcus and my connection to him in his childhood home. Except that I've noticed how he avoids being physically near me in general. We haven't fooled around anymore since that night that Natty was sick; neither of us even mentioned our activities that night. I have forgiven him for what happened when he left Abnegation, though I still am not sure if I will ever trust him as completely as I once did. Even so… I think I am falling in love with him—not with the Tobias I loved two years ago, but with  _Four_ , as he is now. Unfortunately, I can't get a read on what his feelings for me are.

He's sweet to me, of course, and to Natty… but he has avoided getting physically close to me so meticulously, there is no way it is unintentional. I can't help but wonder if he regrets that night. There are plenty of reasons he might be hesitant, I suppose, the first of which is simply that he is my instructor. But I worry that there's more to it than that.

It makes me really sad to think it, but my mind wanders back, again and again, to that conversation I had with Monica before Capture the Flag. She had suggested that Four might feel angry and betrayed by Natty's very existence. It still just seems so unfair to me; obviously he didn't wait for  _me_ , that much is painfully clear. Even if Natty  _were_  my own child, I can't help the resentment that bubbles up when I consider that he might be angry about the idea of me being with someone else. It's so hypocritical. On the other hand… I do understand jealousy, and just how irrational it can be. I've experienced plenty of jealousy over Lauren, though Four held no obligation to me.

And that jealousy hasn't gone anywhere, either. Even though I know they aren't together any more, just the fact that they  _have_  been together makes me feel a little sick. And then I begin to wonder whether Four is really over Lauren. She is beautiful, after all, and confident, and has all those curves that any guy would appreciate. The group speculated that Lauren was really the one that ended it. Marlene pointed out that Lauren moved on almost immediately to that Charlie guy after she and Four ended their "romance". It makes me question what Four's feelings towards her really are.

I can't get him off my mind. He was especially kind to me that day we made up training. Normally we just run laps around the training room. But on this make-up day, since Four wouldn't spar with me, and as it was one-on-one, we had extra time. We used it to take a nice, very long run around the outside of the city.

_**++0+ Flashback +0++** _

_I never seem to realize just how much I have missed being outside until I finally find myself in the fresh air once again. Being outdoors is a wonderful treat; I feel almost euphoric as we run through the abandoned streets. I breathe deeply, sucking in as much crisp, fresh air as I can. It is a cool day for the middle of summer, but the sun peeks through the clouds, keeping the landscape from taking on the gloomy look it has on a cloudy day._

_My heartbeat quickens as we enter the Factionless sector of the city. We are still more toward the south side of Factionless, near Dauntless. Ruby and Daniel live closer to Abnegation, but Esther, the midwife who delivered Natalie, stayed near here. Just a few blocks ahead is the building where Natalie was born._

_The building where my mother died._

_As grief rolls over me—steamrolls me, nearly—I feel as though everything has dimmed, as if all the clouds have closed up and left my surroundings a somber gray. The sun still peeks between the clouds, but it doesn't seem to brighten my world anymore, not right now._

" _Tris?" Four has stopped running, grabbed my arm to stop me. I can't look him in the eye right now. If I do, I will break, I will shatter. Just as I have so many times before, only with him. Four—Tobias—is the only person I have ever allowed to see my grief, and these are walls I cannot afford to let him break down._

" _Yeah?" I bend down and tighten my shoelace, keeping my head down. It doesn't need to be tightened. I do it anyway._

_Four pauses, like he's waiting for me to stand up and face him. I take my time with my useless task, fighting the tears back the whole time, chewing the inside of my cheek raw. Four gets tired of waiting, I guess, so he kneels down next to me. "What's wrong?"_

_I bite my cheek harder and taste copper. I broke the skin. Somehow it all pulls the last of my tears back from the surface, and the burning feeling in my eyes eases._

_I shrug. "Nothing's wrong with me. You're the one that stopped running." I push the emotions down deeper, further, shove them into a little box where no one can see them. Not even Four._

" _Come on, Tris, I know you. I can tell when you're upset."_

" _I'm not upset." I keep my voice even, though it still hints at the tightness in my throat. Four reaches out, but when his fingers are centimeters from my chin, his hand freezes in place. After a moment, he drops it and sighs. The burning sensation in my eyes is gone now; I finally look up at him. "Really, I'm fine."_

_He's not convinced. I can see that. But he gives up anyway. Four stands, and I follow his lead. "Let's go, then," he sighs before he begins to run. He is monotone, guarded._

_As I fall into step beside Four, I glance around me; I know a fair few of the Factionless now, after Mother and I became friendlier with them these last few years. I am nervous I'll see someone I know, that they'll give something away. But the only person I see is a tall, slender woman with dark curls framing her face. She looks a little familiar, but I am sure that I don't really know her; maybe I have given her food or supplies sometime. She's staring at us intently, the kind of gaze that you feel burning into you even when you don't look back._

_We run for many miles, almost all the way to Abnegation, but then we loop around. On our way past Erudite, my heart skips a beat when I glance to my right. There is a small group of Abnegation handing out water bottles, and amongst the factionless gathered around them are Carly and Ruby. Ruby's belly has grown since I last saw her a month and a half ago; she looks like she could deliver any day now._

_I'm afraid she or Carly will call out to me, and I don't want to introduce them to Four. I also don't want them to think I am embarrassed to know them. I cringe remembering how_ _**,** _ _after last year's Visiting Day, I had described Tobias to them so they could watch for him; I can just imagine them commenting that I finally found him. Ruby stays where she is, but Carly moves a few steps forward and waves at me, and I am relieved when she doesn't call out my name._

_I smile and give a small wave back. Unfortunately, Four notices and slows down a little, but doesn't stop. "Who's that?" I could swear I see a little nervousness in his eyes and he glances around. Then I remember that he thinks that Natty's father was factionless; I remember how upset he was when he found out I had supposedly been with someone else. Maybe he doesn't want to meet anyone who might be connected to the relationship he believes I had with this fictional man._

" _What?" I ask, as if I didn't hear him, or don't know what he's talking about._

" _Who was that, that you waved to?" he asks me again, only sounding slightly winded. We have been running for over an hour already._

_My mind jumps to the first time I met Carly. The day I learned about… lotion. I'm thankful that my cheeks are already flushed from exertion so he can't tell that I'm also blushing. "Uh, just a girl I met when volunteering with Mother," I say lightly, carefully. "And the pregnant woman helped me care for Natty until I transferred."_

_Four nods, his eyes still scanning our surroundings. "She did a good job with her. Natty has always been so happy and healthy." He pauses, and the corners of his lips turn up. "Other than the other day, of course."_

_We've left Ruby and Carly behind now; we're still jogging, but at a little slower pace. Sort of a reprieve._

" _Thank you again," I say, "for helping me when Natty was ill. I was scared, and you came in and took charge. I'm sorry that you have to miss a free day to make it up, though."_

" _Don't be. It's been nice, actually. Running outdoors instead of in the training room, plus I can run at the pace I want to and you actually keep up. Most of the transfers can't."_

_I smile. "I've enjoyed today, too, Four. Especially being outside. Thank you so much!"_

_Four smiles and shrugs as though it is not big deal. When I look away, I see that same factionless woman, the one with the brown curly hair, that I saw watching us earlier. I feel like she's watching us again. We're not near the place I saw her before. Is she following us?_

_I think about saying something about it to Four, but then he says, "C'mon, let's get back to the compound." He picks up his pace, and I push the woman from my mind, instead concentrating on finishing my run with Four._

_**++0+ End Flashback +0++** _

I don't realize that I had completely spaced out until Four calls my name and snaps me back to attention. I my muscles groan at me as I pull myself to my feet; I've been sitting on that hard floor too long.

Four stands back, holding the door open for me, and follows me in once I through, closing the door behind him. I've done this a few times before; I know the drill. No words are spoken as I sit in the chair and he injects me with the fear simulation serum. While we wait the sixty seconds for the simulation to begin, I watch Four press the electrodes to his forehead. That is what enables him to watch the images created by the simulation; I am connected to the computer by a transmitter in the serum.

Four fidgets anxiously on his stool and frowns in the last seconds we wait, and I wonder if he is as nervous as I am that I might have to experience Natty being kidnapped again. Soon I begin to feel the trademark symptoms of fear—sweaty palms, elevated heart rate, that jittery, anxious feeling I hate—and I know the simulation is about to begin. "Be brave, Tris," Four says quietly, just as he has before each simulation he has put me into, as my eyes flutter shut.

* * *

I stand in the middle of the Pit in a circle of light. Outside the circle, everything is too dim to see well. The only sound is the somewhat distant rushing of the chasm. What is this fear? Being alone? Or is something lurking in the shadows?

Then I hear her. Her scream instantly has my heart racing, and I look around frantically, but it's still too dim outside the light, I can't see. I step into the near-darkness and my eyes begin to adjust. Natty's cries begin to fade, as if she is moving further away from me, and though I still can't really see where I am going, I follow the sound.

I am running and running, but it is as though I hardly cover any ground; Natty is getting closer to me, but must be moving almost as fast as I am, because I run for a long time before I am finally near enough to see her. All the while, the roar of the waves rushing over rock in the chasm grows louder.

Then there she is, and I stop breathing, a scream stuck in my lungs. We are at the Chasm, and it is Marcus Eaton that has been carrying my baby away from me. My blood runs cold as ice.

"Don't hurt her!" I yell, sounding hysterical. "Please, please Marcus—don't hurt my baby!"

He looks at me with his soulless eyes, which I know are usually dark blue like Four's, but today they appear like black pits. He cackles and I step closer. He is much bigger than the Marcus I remember. I gasp as he holds her upside down by one leg and extends his arm past the railing, dangling my baby over the chasm.

_This isn't real_ , I remind myself.  _Not real. Natty is fine. This is just a sim._

But it  _feels_  real. It feels  _so real._

Barely registering in the back of my mind is my mother's warning about my divergence. I can't appear to be aware. My breath is coming faster and faster—the opposite of what I need in order to get out of this hell that my mind has concocted.

"No!" I scream. I run toward him… but I am too late.

He stares at me coldly and hisses, " _Your baby,_ " and thenlets go of Natty's leg.

My hands collide so hard with Marcus's back that he tumbles forward, pivoting over the railing at his waist and his body follows Natty's down to the rocks below.

The last thing I see is Natty's broken body in the river, and all I want is to follow after her.

* * *

I wake from the simulation with a choking sob. My face is wet with tears and I wipe them away, but new ones immediately replace them. I pull my knees to my aching chest and gasp for breath.

"Tris," Four says rushing toward me. His voice is ragged and his eyes are red and glassy. There is room on the chair for him, since I have curled up into a ball. If I make myself small enough, maybe I can make myself and everything I just experienced disappear forever. Four sits next to me, immediately engulfing me in his arms, pulling me closer to him.

"It's not real," he whispers against my hair. "It's just a simulation. Natty's safe. Marcus can't get her, it wasn't real." I knew it wasn't real—barely—while I was in the simulation, but I will not share that information with anyone, even Four. Still, it  _felt_  so real… and his arms around me make me feel safe. My breathing begins to slow and becomes easier, though the tears continue to pour down my cheeks.

I look up, into Four's dark blue eyes—the same shade as Natty's, the same as Marcus's, but with a light blue patch in the corner of the left iris that is uniquely his. His eyes are rimmed with red from the emotions that he, too, is fighting, and I remember his promise to me on Visiting Day.  _"No matter what—whatever happens between us, friends or enemies—I will_ always _protect you and Natty from Marcus. I'll do anything, I swear to you. I won't let him hurt either of you in any way_ ever  _again."_

Our faces are inches apart, we are sharing the same breath. Four holds me even tighter. Then he leans in, and our lips meet. The kiss is short and tender, unexpected and a welcomed distraction. This is the first time Four has shown me any sort of physical affection since the night Natty was sick. The excited flutters in my stomach war with the leftover anxiety from my simulation and my confusion at his hot-and-cold behavior toward me. Too quickly, he pulls away, blush creeping up his neck. He lets go of me completely and jumps up. "I'm sorry… I didn't…" Four runs his fingers through his hair. "I wasn't thinking, Tris. Let's just… forget that happened."

The butterflies I was feeling are immediately replaced with sinking disappointment, but confusion is winning out over all other emotions. Blood rushes to my cheeks as I nod, not meeting his eyes. He even managed to push that simulation to the back of my mind, I realize, which immediately brings Natty's safety back to the surface.

"Am I done with training for the day? I'd really like to go get Natty now." After two fear simulations today, both involving threats to her safety, I just want to hold her in my arms and see for myself that she is safe and whole and happy.

"Yeah, go ahead," Four says, not looking at me. I pause with my hand on the door handle and finally our eyes meet again. We just stare at each other for a long moment. Then I break our eye contact and go out the door, not looking back.

* * *

_**Four POV** _

When I finish the last simulation of the day, my mind is still replaying Tris's sim over and over. Watching initiates simulations has never bothered me; it's not my idea of entertainment, but it isn't upsetting. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Tris's simulations affect me differently than anyone else's. It's always been that way with her, from the moment I saw her on that funeral home rooftop.

I groan loudly thinking about the kiss Tris and I just shared. I should say, the kiss I just planted on her.

_Stupid! I need to be more careful not to lose control._

The closeness Tris and I shared the night of Natty's health scare was so intense. I felt so close, so in tune with her...I wanted her in  _every way_. In that moment, I wasn't thinking about what we once had. It wasn't about Beatrice and Tobias's stolen moments back in Abnegation. It was about  _me_ , the man I am now, and this incredible woman that I care about and am so attracted to.

I have no doubt in my mind, had Tris and I never met in Abnegation - had her family never been in that bus accident - she would have been the woman to turn my head and break through my walls here in Dauntless.

I still get worked up when I think about how  _close_ we were that night. The issue is that anytime I allow my mind to wander to back to that night I feel incredible  _guilt_. I had a really bad start when arrived to Dauntless, reeling from the pain of thinking I was an actual monster. Reeling from my choice to destroy Beatrice in order to set her free from loving me.

It was Zeke's and Shauna's ability to forgive my poor behavior that has made them the closest friends I have. They feel more like family to me.

_Uriah._

Everyone knows that Tris and Uriah have something romantic going on. Shauna and Zeke are still speculating what their future offspring will look like, one day. I physically cringe thinking what they would say if they knew what had happened between Tris and I that night. It's just a difficult situation for me. I still care deeply for Tris and Natty, but when it comes to romance, I am choosing to keep my distance.

Most Dauntless don't ever go back through their fear landscape after completing initiation. I, however, have been through mine countless times. I would think that was the reason I don't mind watching the sims, that maybe I was just desensitized to it, but I never make any progress in my landscape. My four fears are not just anxieties; all four have the power to cripple me.

My initiation year, we went through our fear landscape on the very first day—hours after my talk with Marcus, hours after I broke Beatrice's heart. I hadn't given a name when I landed in the net, wanting to cut all ties to Marcus, but not knowing what to call myself as I had never had a nickname before. When I only had four fears in my landscape, my instructor, Amar, dubbed me "Four". It stuck.

My four fears on that day were of heights, confinement, Marcus, and—my greatest fear—Tris's death. Well, not  _just_  her death; in the simulation, I am the one who kills her, having become abusive just like Marcus. When I saw that last fear, the fear that Marcus had driven into my soul just that day, it only made me more certain that I had done the right thing. I was only protecting Tris. I dreaded that she might transfer to Dauntless when her turn came to choose. It wasn't until halfway through my first year as a Dauntless member that I even truly questioned the wisdom of that choice.

_**++0+ Flashback: Six months after Four's initiation +0++** _

" _Just the man I wanted to see," Zeke grins at me as I carry my tray to our table near the doors. He walks alongside me to our table by the door, where Shauna sits along with Lynn, Uriah and their friend Marlene. Honestly, when I saw them sitting there, I considered immediately turning around and leaving the dining hall, and I would have if Zeke hadn't already seen me. Marlene is too cheerful for me any day, and Uriah too enthusiastic and animated—which are qualities he shares with Zeke, but Zeke knows how to tone it down, and his brother doesn't. Then there's Lynn; much like myself, she has a permanent scowl on her face, and the two of us at one table can be a bit intense at times. But they're my friends' siblings, so I am careful to be polite, which is not a courtesy I extend to many here at Dauntless. The truth is that I really don't like many people here. Or people in general I should say._

_I raise an eyebrow at Zeke as I place my tray on the table across from Shauna. "I'm sure I'll regret asking this," I reply, "but… what did you want...this time?"_

" _I need you to be my wingman tonight." I open my mouth to refuse, but Zeke anticipates this and isn't giving me the opening as he continues. "Hear me out! I asked Maria out, but she said something about finding a date for her friend. I indicated that you would be interested. It's just one date—it's not like you have to ask her to go out with you again. You can keep things 'no strings attached' or whatever it is that you do."_

" _No," I say flatly. Zeke is always trying to get me to go out on these double dates, and I always refuse. I have no issues when it comes to saying no to people. Not anymore; it was Tobias that was meek and accommodating. I am not that boy - - not anymore. The decision I made the day of my choosing ceremony has not changed. I will never get_ involved  _with anyone. I never want to become like Marcus. I won't risk it._

_People—even my only friends, Zeke and Shauna—generally just think that I am private about my sex life, assume that I don't_ date _or have relationships, though no one suspects that I don't even hook up with anyone. I do not confirm or deny anything. It's none of their business, anyway. People in this faction are so damned nosy. It's annoying._

" _Four," Zeke groans, "come on! Help a brother out, man." Across from me, Shauna glares down at her plate and stabs a carrot rather violently with her fork._

" _I don't date, Zeke. You know you're not going to talk me into this. Save your breath, save my ears too. Just take Uriah," I suggest with a smirk. Let Zeke's little player-in-training brother help him out. Uriah's eyes light up hopefully._

_Zeke groans. "Come on, man! Look, she's pretty. The redhead over there. Nicole."_

_I make a show of glancing over, giving Nicole a long once-over. She's pretty, and her tight black Dauntless clothes show off her figure, which is attractive as well. She doesn't compare to Beatrice, whom I doubt I'll ever get out of the back of my mind._

" _Yeah, she's alright. Not that special. So what? I'm still not going. I have too much work to do, anyway."_

" _I'm free!" Uriah pipes up, reminding his brother of my previous suggestion._

_Zeke rolls his eyes. "Uri, a Dauntless_ woman _like Nicole doesn't want to go out with an immature sixteen-year-old dependent." Uriah pouts while I laugh at him. Zeke ends up laughing too._

" _Well," I say, "there's a much better chance of getting Nicole to go out with Uriah than there is a chance of me being anybody's 'wingman'."_

_Zeke huffs. "Fine. Uri, you can come on the date," he concedes. "Only because otherwise I'll have to call it off completely."_

_Shauna's chair screeches as she pushes it back abruptly. I watch with wide eyes as she stomps out of the dining hall with her head down. Lynn glares at Zeke as she goes after her sister. Zeke goes on as if Shauna hadn't just stormed off, giving his brother obscure rules on what not to do on their double date tonight. I gather my trash onto my tray and throw it away, putting a hand up to wave goodbye to Zeke rather than interrupt his lecturing. I notice that Uriah looks bored and annoyed when I glance back on my way out of the dining hall._

_I arrive to the temporary office Max set up for me in the Pire. It contains an old metal desk, desktop computer, and boxes up on boxes of files stacked against one wall. The opposite wall has only three boxes lined up against it—the three boxes of files I have completed work on. I sigh at the reminder of how little I've completed so far, regretting, for the moment, that I possess the computer skills that qualified me for this special project._

_A few weeks ago, Candor requested manpower from every faction in order to complete a large project recording genealogy of all residents of the city. Max volunteered me to set up a database. In that process, I also have to set the search parameters, which is why I've been given these boxes of files. I have to see what information must be recorded and searchable in order to design the database._

_I am being paid for my time, but it hasn't decreased my work hours in the control room at all. On the other hand, this has been a good excuse to avoid Zeke's double date requests. I wouldn't go anyway, but I avoid some of the argument this way._

_I have been working for about an hour, making occasional notes about adjustments needed to my initial concept for this database, when I come across a name that makes me stop in my tracks._ Eaton, Jeremiah. _I suck in a breath and close my eyes, almost afraid to open it. Chances are high that this will lead me to information about my own family… my father's family. This could be Marcus's brother, or grandfather… or even his own father—the one who abused him, just as he abused me. I'm not sure I am prepared for with could be in this file. But I'm no coward. I have to face it._

_I try to still the tremor in my hands as I open the file. My eyes quickly scan the page to see who this person is, how they might be related to me, and I skip over the first few lines until I find the section on family. I see the date that Jeremiah James Eaton married Ruth Nora Davidson Eaton, and the date that their first child, Marcus Jeremiah Eaton, was born; then it lists the date of Marcus's marriage to Evelyn Johnson Eaton and the birth of their son, Tobias James Eaton. The file was last updated when I was three years old, so it does not list Marcus's marriage to Natalie._

_There is no question_ _that this is, indeed, my paternal grandfather. The one who made Marcus the way he is, and indirectly destined me to be a monster just like them both._

_I sigh and go back to the top, beginning to read more carefully. But then, the date of death is what catches my eye next._ That can't be right… _I compare it to Marcus's birth date halfway down the page and sit back against my chair, stunned. According to this file, Marcus was only a year old when his father passed away. Immediately realizing that Marcus must have lied to me, I feel as though the room is spinning._

_I pour over files, trying to puzzle my heritage together. When I am confident that I have examined every piece of relevant information in this room, I find myself surrounded by open boxes and disorganized files, and the clock reads four o'clock in the very early morning. My back and neck are stiff, but I stack up the files pertaining to my lineage before I gather up the irrelevant files and replace them in the boxes. I have a control room shift in two hours, so I may as well go home and shower, then grab myself some breakfast._

_I will want to take another look with fresh eyes later to be sure the picture that has formed in my head is accurate, but what I found was this: Marcus could not have been beaten by his father. His father did, indeed, die at the hands of a factionless man when Marcus was just a year old—this is even corroborated by photo evidence of his body from the police reports. Jeremiah Eaton's widow, Ruth, never remarried._

_I feel as though I am underwater as I run this information over and over in my mind. Marcus lied to me. I don't know why it never occurred to me that he might have been dishonest, but it didn't—I believed every word he said. He told me he was abused, that it caused him to abuse me, and that I would follow in his footsteps, and I believed him. I believed him, and it cost me what was most important in my life: Beatrice._

_I can hardly breathe when I think back to my cruel words to her that day. For the first time, I allow myself to truly remember the devastation I saw on her face. I only wanted to protect her—to protect her from myself—I only wanted to do what was best for her. I did it because I loved her, I wanted to_ free  _her from loving a monster._

_Instead, I allowed Marcus to hurt Beatrice and me both, and I don't know if the damage can ever be repaired. I just have to hope that she really will come to Dauntless, and that when she does, she will listen to me explain the terrible mistakes I made that day. I will not let Marcus dictate who I am any longer. I want to be a better man, a man that deserves her, and Beatrice deserves the best. I have eighteen months until she will come, and when she does, I will be the man she deserves. I will be well-rounded and whole, like my tattoos: brave, selfless, intelligent, honest and kind. Beatrice deserves no less._

_**++0+ Flashback End +0++** _

I shutdown the computer and pause in the doorway before turning back and retrieving a vial of serum and a syringe. With Tris and Natty staying with me, as well as being so busy with initiation, I haven't been through my fear landscape in a long while. I never expected Tris's fears to cause such a reaction in me. I know what I need to do.

When I arrive at the fear landscape room, I program the computer to run my landscape and inject myself with the fear landscape serum I have carried here in a small black box in my pocket.

_**o++o+ Four's Fear Landscape +o++o** _

The effects of the fear landscape serum quickly begin to pull me away from reality, pulling me into a daze, as though I am halfway between waking and sleeping. My heart begins to race and my chest feels tight. My breathing quickens as the room around me transforms into my first fear.

The first three fears are the same as always. First I face my fear of heights, walking a thick wire tight-rope high above the city. I make it halfway across before I lose my balance and fall endlessly.

Walls entrap me as I face my second fear: confinement. The walls move in, the space becomes tighter and tighter, and all I can do is close my eyes and wait for it to end.

When I open my eyes, he is here—I can't see him, but I can feel his presence. Marcus enters the circle of light I stand within, wearing his gray Abnegation clothes, and I inch backward until he says the same six words he said every time—"This is for your own good." His voice echoes a dozen times and the fear repeats as it always does, with me unable to overcome my cowardice and stop him, as he beats me into submission with his belt.

It is with the fourth fear that I realize something has changed.

I am on a train as it rushes along the tracks elevated high above the city. Tris stands near the open door of the train car with Natty in her arms. She smiles at me, and I smile back; Natty coos and reaches for me. I start across the floor of the train car. As I cross the floor toward her, a dark figure comes out of nowhere. His hood is up over his head, I cannot see his face as he collides with Tris, pushing her out of the train car. She screams as she and the baby fall and I see the fingers of one of Tris's hands grip the floor of the car as she hangs there.

I run toward her, but it is as though the floor has turned into quicksand. I sprawl across the floor, reaching for her. Tris desperately tries to hold on but her fingers are slipping, closer and closer to the edge. Natty's cries pierce through the loud pounding of my heart in my ears and Tris screams for me. "Four! Four, help us!"

I grab her hand just in time, and the weight slides me to the edge of the car. I am looking down out of the train car, my stomach to the floor. The train speeds on as Tris dangles held only by my hand, Natty clutched to Tris's chest. I try to hold on, try to pull her up, but her fingers slip further and further.

"Don't let go, Tris," I scream. "You have to hold on! Just—just hold on, I'll pull you up! I promise, I won't let you fall!"

But it is a promise that I cannot keep. I barely have hold of her fingers and a moment later, they slip, and she and Natty fall from my grasp. I scream in terror as the train rushes away from the place where their broken bodies sprawl across the street, six stories below.

_**o++o+ Fear Landscape End +o++o** _

I come back to my senses in the fear landscape room, still sprawled out on my stomach, reaching toward where Tris and Natty fell from my grasp. I gasp for breath and tears stream down my face.

The pain of losing Tris is not shocking to me—she has always been in my landscape. What I did not expect was my reaction to losing Natty. I knew I loved her, but I am still shocked. Losing Natty is a part of my greatest fear. She has joined Tris in my heart as one of the most important things in my life.

Then it occurs to me that besides the addition of Natty, the very nature of the fear changed. Tris—along with Natty—still dies, but this time, it isn't because I have become like my father. Instead, I am simply unable to stop it, unable to keep them safe. I know not only in my head, but in my heart now… I love them both too much to ever hurt them.

It doesn't even matter to me any more how Natty came to exist. I love her no matter what. Just as I know I'm falling in love with Tris Prior.


	27. Uriah

**Chapter 27: Uriah**

**Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 3 / Baby Natty is 7 months old (Middle of August)**

**** Four POV ****

Placing the dry laundry that I needed remove from the dryer on Tris's bed, I smile realizing it is all Natty's cute things, from dark colored baby clothing to her blankets and burp cloths. I run back to the closet where the top-bottom machines are in order to move my wet clothes load into the dryer. Closing the door and starting the dryer I turn and begin walking towards the kitchen. After washing my dinner dishes I decide to fold Natty's clothes and just leave them on her bed. It's getting late and I'm sure Tris will be tired when she gets home with the baby. It has been a grueling week of training.

Just as I finish folding, there is a hard knock at the apartment door. I remind myself that Tris no longer knocks, accepting that this is their home for now. When there is a second round of knocking I rush to see who it is.

My mouth falls open to see a very flustered Uriah as he pushes his way into the apartment. He's got Natty on his hip while carting her diaper bag as well.

"Four! Man, I'm so glad you are home. I really need your help watching Natty," he says exasperated while rushing to place Natty in her crib. I frown realizing how familiar he is, not only in my apartment, but also with Tris's child.

"Come on, Four. Don't make that sour face. Tris should be home in an hour at most. I was supposed to hang with Natty until she was done shopping with Christina," Uriah explains while he walks to my kitchen to start mixing a bottle of formula and looking at his watch. Natty has started crying in her crib, she sounds really upset.

"What's going on, Uri?" I demand as I walk to pick up the baby and soothe her.

"Crap, I'm also twenty minutes late with her bottle. You're gonna have to feed her, poor kid," Uri grimaces, looking guilty. "I had everything under control, until my mom's water pipe burst and her apartment is basically flooding. Zeke's already there but I need to swing by maintenance to borrow a sump pump."

I frown, sad to hear Hana has to deal with this crap. I can see what Uri's emergency is; of course I will help with Natty. At this point I've watched Natty a few times, and after what happened when the baby was sick…I just wonder why Tris asked Uriah over me in the first place. I've been at home all night, Natty could have been here with me. She could have been in her own home instead of being dragged around the compound.

I know it bothers me more than it should, Tris is free to do whatever she wants with her kid. Uriah expertly warms the bottle in a mug of hot water he heated up. It's pretty obvious he spends a lot of time with Tris and Natty.

_Of course he does, they are together. Or at minimum, seeing each other._

"You and Tris seemed to become instant friends at the start of initiation. When did you become so close, on the train ride to Dauntless?" I ask casually while patting Natty on the back as she waits for her bottle.

"Choosing day? Oh, no. I was good friends with Tris way earlier, or I guess I should say  _Beatrice,_ " Uriah says with a chuckle as he tests the formula temperature by squirting a dash on his arm. Satisfied, he brings me the bottle as I have a seat on my bed in order to feed her.

"Earlier?" I push for information while getting Natty set up with her burp cloth.

"Yeah, Tris came to Dauntless during last year's Visiting Day. I noticed her walking around, it was pretty obvious she was searching for someone and not finding them. She stuck out like a sore thumb in her Abnegation clothing," Uriah smiles, obviously remembering his first glimpse of her. My heart races, I had no idea Tris came to find me. "She was looking for a transfer that was a friend of hers. I just remember it was a guy's name and no one that I'd ever heard of."

I quickly do the math between Natty's age and last year's visiting day. Tris was probably two months along by then. I'm stunned learning this, immediately sick to my stomach. Tris came to Dauntless? Did Natalie send her? Did they want me to help? Had I known then what Marcus was doing, I would have done anything to help.

"Four? You alright?" Uriah looks at me quizzically. I had zoned out and didn't hear him.

"Sorry, what?" I mumble.

"It's nothing, I was just telling you that Tris and I ended up spending the day together," Uriah looks happy, remembering. "We really hit it off. I knew that day that she was destined for Dauntless."

Controlling my facial expression I keep my Four-mask on and just nod. I'm not interested in hearing Uri reminisce about how he and Tris became so close. Nor do I want him to see how much it affects me.

"Don't you need to go? How will Tris know you brought the baby home?" I ask him.

"Tris will head over to Hana's to get Natty, we had agreed to meet there. So I'll tell her the baby is with you and why," Uriah says while walking over to touch Natty's cheek as a goodbye. "Thanks again, Four. I appreciate it!"

"Of course, let me know if Hana needs any help later with her apartment. Once Tris is back I can head over," I offer.

"Thanks, man. But we are fine. Zeke and Shauna are already there helping. Okay, see you later!" Uriah waves as he quietly shuts the apartment door behind him leaving me with the baby.

* * *

"That's a good girl, Natty! Wait 'til I tell your mommy how much you love bananas," I laugh as I offer her another small spoon of baby food. "Although you have made quite the mess, there is more in your hair than in your mouth."

Natty laughs and opens her mouth wide. She is hungry tonight. Last night Tris mentioned that today is day three of testing bananas for the baby. The jar of baby food was in the fridge, it's late, so I decided to feed her.

I used to believe that kids were something I never wanted. Then when Tris and I were together while in Abnegation, we discussed having a family. I sigh remembering how Marcus manipulated me. I was sure that I  _needed_ to be alone in life, with no one to love, and, more importantly, no one to hurt.

I wipe Natty's chin with her burp cloth. She rewards me with a huge grin. I know now, with the help of this little person, that I would never hurt her, also realizing with certainty that I would never hurt any child. Ever.

Thinking about all of the fears that led me to push Tris away... I feel a huge weight lifted. I no longer doubt myself, I'm not a monster like Marcus. I owe Tris an explanation. Even if it is too late for us, even if she and I are not meant to be together, she deserves the truth. I need to be honest with her about what happened between Marcus and me on my Choosing Day. Why I not only dumped her, but in the way that I did. I know I owe her an explanation and more importantly an apology.

It won't be the first time in my life I have owed someone a serious apology.

_**++o+ Flashback to Four's Initiation +o++** _

_Fuck, what am I doing here? I am listening to these people blather on and on about their rules and all the hoops we need to jump through in order to be able to "make it" at Dauntless. I don't care about this. I don't care about ANYTHING anymore._

_I know I did the right thing, but now I hate myself. I literally feel like the most vile person on earth. The look on Beatrice's face as I lied to her, I humiliated her and I was cruel. It doesn't matter that I only did it for her, it's been weeks and I still feel sick about it._

_I think back to my Choosing Day and the initiate from Candor that fell off the raised tracks as he was jumping to board the train. The sick thud as he first hit the platform before falling to the ground. In that moment I realized I wouldn't have even cared if it had been me._

_I have nothing and no one to live for. I know I'm always going to be alone, I need to get used to it._

" _Four, are you listening?" Amar says firmly snapping me out of my thoughts._

_Nodding, I look around to see the cold, scowling faces of the other initiates. I have not had a problem alienating myself from others. Nor do I care. I am not here to make friends, I just want to get through initiation and then pick a job that will offer me some kind of solitude._

_What I do care about, is being able to pick that job. The higher ranked we are, the better our chances of picking our path here._

_So I make it a point to be the best. I excel at everything, and I don't care who I have to step on to make it happen. I meet Eric's glare, thinking about how this asshole hates me. He also aspires to finish as the top initiate. The difference is, he seems to enjoy being cruel and stepping on others to do it. I just do it out of necessity._

_Amar, our initiation instructor, explains that today's fight will count towards our rankings. My ears perk up, needing to hear this._

" _We are trying something new today!" Amar yells for our attention. "Today's fight is about skill. This is not just a win or lose today. We will be scoring points for every hit, kick, and block. Which means, you can lose your match and still earn more points than someone who won another fight after one hit."_

_I quickly calculate the meaning of this, I'm surprised they are setting us up to score this way. I see the smirk on Eric's face, he is chomping at the bit for his chance. Instead of a quick and painless win, in order to get maximum points the fight will need to be drawn out and painful._

_When Amar reveals the board with match-ups, I see that Eric will be the second to last fight and he has been paired against a Dauntless born man. My fight is last and I have been paired against another Dauntless born, named Zeke. Analyzing all the pairings I see that Eric and I will most likely be neck and neck. I can't let him win._

_It actually made my stomach turn watching Eric methodically win his fight. I keep track of his points in my head, I am pleased that I scored it correctly. The points I counted match the judge's final score for Eric's fight._

_I steal a glance at Amar, his face neutral, but I notice the twitch in his right eyelid with every point Eric gets. Eric has earned at least double the points of every fight scored so far. Both fighters combined._

_I will need to earn more points when I fight Zeke; it's unfortunate, but I need to do what I need to do. As we step into the fighting ring I receive hateful glares from the Dauntless born. They can guess how this is going to go._

_Zeke frowns at me. We are not friends, and this fight is certainly not going to change that._

" _Begin," Amar says, his voice dull._

_**+++o+++** _

_I wash the blood off my hands, my knuckles cracked. Not only did I win my fight, I earned 5 more points than Eric before I finished Zeke off. Zeke had to be carried off the mat. I frowned watching him dragged to the infirmary._

_As I walk through the cafeteria for lunch I am given icy glares, I pick an empty table to sit at. It remains empty as I eat my meal._

" _Well, that was quite the display today," Amar says as he sits at my table across from me. "Did you enjoy yourself?"_

_I scowl and ignore his question._

" _That's not a rhetorical question, initiate," Amar pushes._

_My back straightens, realizing I need to tread carefully, I meet his gaze. "What did you think would happen when you set us up to win by racking up as many points as possible? Hand holding?"_

_Amar frowns, I see the regret in his eyes._

" _That is an exercise that will never happen again, at least not while I am an initiation instructor here," Amar says softly._

" _Good," I mutter before taking a drink of my water. "I did what I needed to do, but no. I didn't enjoy myself."_

_Amar nods, looking relieved._

" _You have an extra assignment at the end of today's training, Four," Amar smiles, looking smug. "You will be having dinner with me and my partner at our apartment."_

" _Why would I want to do that?" I frown._

" _I see potential in you, I've seen your fears, and I know you can overcome all of the crap baggage you carry," Amar says with finality as he gets up to gather his lunch. "We can discuss it more at dinner."_

_**++o+ Flashback End +o++** _

I smile remembering dinner with Amar and George that day. It was through their support and friendship that I started to pull away from the darkness that consumed me. Their role in my life back then changed me, changed me for the better.

It's a shame that Amar's assignment has kept him away from the Dauntless compound for so many months, I could have used his friendship now more than ever.

Apologizing to Zeke was not fun, and he didn't make it easy for me. Nor  _Shauna_ for that matter, she was so mad at me over that fight with Zeke. Although they weren't dating yet, I could see that her feelings for him ran deep even then.

"That's right, Natty," I kiss her cheek, careful to avoid the banana that is still in her hair from dinner. "I need to talk to your mom, about so many things. What do you think she will say?"

Natty gurgles and smiles at me, I decide to just go ahead and give her a bath. I've seen Tris do it a dozen times.

After her bath I get her dressed and make her a small bottle to cap her off before bed. Natty is so tired she falls asleep right away. Looking at the clock I notice that Uriah dropped the baby off over an hour and a half ago. I'm glad I made the call to just run through Natty's nighttime routine, it's getting really late.

* * *

No more than twenty minutes later I hear the lock of the door turning as Tris arrives. I walk to meet her at the door, I want to make sure she doesn't wake the baby.

"Oh, Four! I'm sorry it's so late. When I met Uriah at his mom's there was a huge mess. They were about to make one large trip to the dumpster so I offered to make one run with them before heading home," Tris frowns, looking stressed out. "I didn't expect it to take so long! It's so late, I have got to get the baby to bed. Poor thing!"

I place my finger to my lips in order to shush Tris. I slip my hand in hers and walk us to Natty's crib, where she is still sound asleep.

Tris smiled tenderly at her child, gently rubbing her back with her free hand. Squeezing mine, Tris pulls us away so we can talk and not wake Natty.

"Natty's been fed, she also needed a bath after the bananas, and she went right to sleep," I tell Tris. The beaming smile on her face making my heart race.

Tris takes a step closer to me, her eyes burning into mine.

"Four, thank you again. I can't tell you how much it means to me," Tris whispers.

Moving even closer I place my fingers on her chin so she can look up at me, "It was nothing, but you are welcome. I'd do anything for Natty – and you."

We both move to hug as I pull her close to me. Feeling her body in my arms, I appreciate how strong she feels, how different she is from the girl I had once loved in Abnegation. I kiss the top of her head as I rub her back. I also remember what Uriah told me about Choosing Day last year.

"Tris, can we sit? I want to talk to you about something," I ask quietly as I feel Tris nod her head in agreement.

I clear my throat before starting, "When Uriah dropped Natty off tonight, how you both met came up."

Her back instantly straightening, Tris meets my glance. "It's true, I came to find you last year. I was desperate, Four."

My throat instantly tightening, the dread settles over me. If only she had found me.

"I assume you were looking for 'Tobias', and no one knew who that was," I mumble painfully.

Tris's eyes fill with tears confirming my suspicions. I hold her hands in mine, waiting for her to speak.

"I was searching for a Tobias, and no one seemed to know you. Looking back, I wish I would have tried harder," Tris says sullenly. "I met Uriah and for a moment, I felt free of all of my worries. We had the best time, I fell in love with Dauntless that day."

I nod in understanding. I also know Uriah, his carefree, joyful nature. I frown thinking about how he must have just made her instantly comfortable. It's always been so easy like Zeke and Uriah, making friends, having fun.

_I can't blame her for being happy with Uriah. Who wouldn't be happy with him?_

Blinking her tears away, "It was such a hard time, Mother had just discovered her…" Tris's voice falters as she shifts her eyes downward, then taking a moment to calm herself.

"Natalie had just discovered  _what_?" I ask. It occurs to me that Tris most likely would have discovered her pregnancy around that time. I quickly decide not to bring the subject up.

"Um well, just you know...what a monster Marcus really is and how much  _influence_ he has in Abnegation. My only point is: Mother didn't even know I had gone to find you."

"She didn't?" I ask. "Was she upset with me, for leaving?" My voice catching.

Tris's eyes fill with tears again, "Four, no. Not at all. Mother was more upset with herself for not having figured out how Marcus treated you, and above all, she was so happy you had escaped him."

I nod, blinking rapidly to keep my eyes from watering.

"My mother loved you very much. She was never angry with you," Tris mumbles. "She never knew about us, you know."

I blush while covering my eyes, realizing I am so relieved. Tris giggles at me.

"Not sure what she would have thought about you  _then_ ," Tris laughs at me.

"Ugh, I don't even want to think about that," I groan, horrified at the thought.

"Four, I don't want to look backwards. Not anymore. To be honest, when I think of you know - you are  _Four_ to me. Just like I am Tris. Which, by the way, isn't a bad thing," Tris says, suddenly sounding serious. "Do you understand?"

"I do and I feel the same way,  _Tris._  I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything. I wish…" I stumble with my words. "I wish things could have been different."

"I'm sorry, too. Let's just move forward. Okay?" Tris asks.

I agree, we put the past behind us.

"We better get to sleep, we have an early morning of training tomorrow," I warn Tris.

"How early?" she laughs nervously.

"Let's just say that you're lucky you are not sleeping in the dorms!" I tease.

We both laugh and get ready for sleep. The rest of the transfer initiates are in for another shock tomorrow morning with an early wake up and then a grueling morning of conditioning.

* * *

A scream rips me from my deep sleep. My apartment is pitch black except for the nightlight we added to the kitchen area that lights the way to the bathroom. I can tell from the darkness around the blinds that it is still the dead of night.

I stumble out of bed, knowing it is Tris having one of her nightmares. It's been a while, and this one sounds bad.

Leaning over to shake her awake she sits up startled and gasping for air. I sit down and pull her into my arms.

"Tris, it's okay. It is just a dream. Everything's fine," I try reassure her as her arms tightly squeeze me back.

Tris looks up, touching her hand to my cheek for a moment before burying her face in my chest.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask quietly, not wanting to wake Natty. The baby stirred but has somehow managed to fall right back to sleep.

"It's the same as always, dreaming of my dead family…and all I didn't do to protect them," Tris finishes, her body shuddering in my arms.

"It's not your fault Tris, it's not right what has happened to the ones you love. But none of it was your fault," I assure her. "Come on, it's late and you are still trembling."

Deciding to be bold, as the thought of tucking a trembling Tris back into her own bed and leaving her doesn't sit well with me. "Tris, do you want to sleep in my bed? You may sleep easier if we are next to each other."

Her head snaps up, a look of surprise now visible to me as my eyes have accustomed to the darkness. I hold my breath until she nods with gratitude. I was worried my offer would offend her.

Pulling back the covers as we both slip under my sheets I feel a nervous energy at the thought of sleeping next to her. I can't help but remember all of those nights in Abnegation when we slept in each other's arms.

"Thank you, Four. For taking care of me," Tris whispers quietly as she moves to snuggle into my arms.

"Get some sleep," I murmur. "I'll fight the bad dreams off if they come to get you."

I feel Tris smile into my chest, "Oh, really. With what?" she asks teasingly, as though doubting me.

"My bare hands, obviously," I assure her, kissing her forehead and giving her a squeeze.

Tris shifts in my arms to sit up and look at my face. I smile at her, admiring how beautiful she is.

Smiling mischievously, Tris moves my arm from around her and then holding my hand in hers. My heart is racing, waiting to see what she will say or do.

Tris moves my hand to her face, kissing my palm. And then moves my hand to lay on her breast while watching for my reaction.

"Show me," she whispers while pressing over my hand, "what you can do with your hands."

I groan as the blood rushes to my groin. My need for her wins over any rational thoughts.

"Tris," I say hoarsely as I lean down to capture her mouth with mine. My hand massaging her perfect breast while caressing circles around her nipple.

Our kisses immediately frantic and full of need, as we both turn our heads to deepen them. As I teasingly pinch her nipple Tris gasps while kissing me and presses her body closer to me. I roll us over so that I have her pinned against the mattress, Tris immediately responding by wrapping her legs around my waist and pulling me even closer.

Without overthinking it, we are suddenly both pushing against each other. The friction of my hard dick against the panties she is wearing, hitting her core with each stroke, our breathing becoming more frantic and loud.

Tris slips her hands under the back of my shirt, holding me close while also caressing me. I get lost in the feeling of being so close to her, I ache to push inside of her. I know that I won't, but holy shit I want to.

I roughly pull her shirt up and take her nipple in my mouth, sucking and teasing her. Tris gasps and then pushes even harder against my dick. I later move to her other breast to make sure it gets equal love.

Tris and I both break for a moment to rip our shirts completely off. She is left in her underwear while I am only wearing my sleep pants. As soon as our shirts are off I place my hand under her knees and open her legs to me so I can resume rubbing against her. We are both panting, a fine sheen of sweat on our bodies as we get more and more worked up. It takes every bit of my self-control not to push her panties aside and slip into her. I am desperate to feel her around me, something I've never felt with any woman before. I would never do that without discussing it with her, but I also don't have the gall to ask her.

I kiss her deeply on the mouth as our bodies press together, when I feel her hand slip into my pants.

"Shit, Tris!" I hiss as her fingers wrap around my shaft and she begins stroking me. My hips bucking along with her.

"Four, take off your pants," Tris commands. "Now."

I groan, trying to control myself for the moment it takes me to shove my pants down. I don't even bother to kick them all the way off as Tris resumes stroking my cock. I groan loudly and then begin sucking on her neck, collarbone and chest.

I slip my fingers into her underwear, anxious to pleasure her. Feeling how wet she is, I move to slip my finger deep inside of her. Tris gasps with shock, so I pause for her to give me the okay to keep going.

"Please, don't stop," she sighs. "You were going to show me what you can do with your hands."

I laugh and kiss her, now laying side by side I grab her leg and throw it over my hip. We kiss softly as we both resume pleasuring the other.

I slide two fingers in and out while my thumb gently traces circles around her bud of nerves. Tris moans and gasps as I feel her tighten around me. As she climaxes her hand no longer stroking me, as she cries out loudly. I kiss her to swallow her cries.

"That was so good, I want to make you come," she whispers in my ear as her hand goes back to hold me.

I groan, encouraging her. It's all she needs to resume her ministrations on my sex. Tris pushes me to lay on my back as she sits up and kisses my neck and chest while pumping me. I gasp when her hands move down to caress my balls. This girl is going to kill me.

I feel the tightness, "Tris, I'm so close. You might want to stop."

"Why would I stop?" she demands. "I want you to come."

My hips begin jerking frantically. "Tris, just keep going, baby. Don't stop," I moan.

As my body shudders I place my hand over hers to that I can push my shaft upwards and my seed squirts on my own stomach.

"Oh, fuck," I grunt as she continues to slowly stroke me, well after I have released.

When we are done I lean over and kiss her. "I'm going to wash off and bring you a wet rag for your hand. I'll be right back." Part of me embarrassed, as I realize my sleep pants are still at my ankles. Tris giggles as I kick them off with my feet, my hands also covered in my semen.

After we clean up, and get redressed, I pull her into my arms and kiss her forehead. She snuggles close and falls almost immediately asleep.

It's not as easy for me as the thoughts run through my mind. I can't deny how I feel. I am madly in love with Tris. I love her too much to just step aside for Uriah. I kiss her forehead as she stirs in my arms. I know I need to suck it up and talk to her about what she wants. I need to know where I stand, as well as I need to know what exactly is going on with her and Uriah.

I don't want to assume anything, but part of me wonders how serious they can really be if she is doing this with me? I have to know where we both stand in her life. I can't imagine she would be doing these things with me, if she was that serious about him. Another big question: has she forgiven me for Marcus? For leaving? Can she  _ever_  forgive me? We just need to talk, and I need to face my fears and ask her.

Sighing, I then worry about Zeke and Shauna. What will they think if it comes down to both me and Uriah competing for Tris's heart? I hate to imagine it, but I also accept that I may lose their friendship if Uriah ends up getting hurt over this. I love my friends, but I will not put them ahead of what I feel for Tris. I won't put them ahead of what I can have with Tris, and with Natty.

A family. I love them both so much.

Initiation is almost over, I need to time all of this correctly. I kiss Tris firmly, desperately even. She stirs in my arms before waking.

"Sorry," I whisper. "I didn't mean to wake you. I just had this incredible urge to kiss you."

"Hmmm," Tris hums. "I'm not complaining."

And suddenly she is wide awake and pulling me on top of her, her hands slipping to the waist of my sleep pants and pushing them down again.

I warn her that conditioning is going to be brutal tomorrow morning. Tris responds by stroking my dick and kissing me.

We hardly get any sleep that night.


	28. Rankings and Decisions

_**Chapter 28: Rankings and Decisions**_

_**Date: Initiation Day / Baby Natty is 7 months old (August 15)** _

_****** _ _**Four POV**** _

I make my way through the Pit carrying a case of beer, dodging small crowds of Dauntless. Most people have flasks or bottles in their hands; the Dauntless take advantage of just about any excuse to party, and the day of the Fear Landscapes, the final test of initiation each year, is no exception.

The fear landscapes went well, especially for Tris. The Dauntless record for fewest fears was eight before I shattered it two years ago with my four fears. Tris did not beat my record, but with only six fears, she came close, and she moved through them quickly. She always does. Only the leaders get to watch the simulations, but I can only assume that they are the same six fears I have seen in her simulations. I watched the leaders scoring her carefully as they observed Tris in her landscape, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I am confident there was nothing unusual in her final simulations. I have no doubt that Tris will place first when the final rankings are revealed tomorrow morning.

 _Tris._  I was so nervous watching her through the window of the fear landscape room, even though I had no reason to be. She has been exceptional throughout initiation and there was no reason to doubt that she would be exceptional in her final test as well. But I'm sure it is always difficult to watch someone you love face their fears, and always nerve wracking to know that they are facing the culmination of months of hard work.

There is no denying now that I am madly in love with Tris Prior. Whatever happened during the two years we were apart doesn't matter any more, I'm done letting my jealousy get in the way. I am choosing to let that go. I love Natty with all my heart, and I need her in my life as much as I need Tris. I won't step aside for Uriah, but I need to at least  _try_  to do this right. And that is why I am searching the Pit for the Pedrad brothers.

As I near the Chasm I finally see the people I was looking for. Zeke has an arm slung around Shauna's shoulders. Marlene leans against the Chasm railing next to Uriah, who takes a drink from a silver flask before passing it to Lynn. I can hear their laughter over the roar of the river below. The initiates look as though they haven't got a care in the world. I remember that feeling after my own fear landscape two years ago and I smile at seeing them so happy. That's something you don't see a lot of during stage two, when everyone is stressed and traumatized by their fear simulations.

"Four!" Zeke yells when he sees me, though I'm only a half-dozen yards away by then and obviously coming their way.

"Congratulations on finishing your fear landscapes," I say to the initiates, nodding at them. Then I look between Zeke and Uriah. "Zeke… Uri… can I grab a beer with you guys alone? I wanted to talk to you about something."

Uriah smiles and straightens up, waving the flask away when Lynn offers it to him. She passes it to Marlene instead. "Sure, man," he says while smiling. I hope he is still smiling after I say what I need to.

Zeke pecks Shauna on the lips and drops his hand from her shoulder. "See ya, Four," Shauna calls after me as I walk away with Zeke and Uriah.

Ten minutes later, I am sitting in a worn armchair in Zeke's apartment, nervously glancing at Zeke and Uri as I sip a beer. I was thankful to find that Uriah hasn't had much to drink yet; it's probably best that he is mostly sober for this conversation. He smiles. "Thanks for the beer, Four." I nod.

"You said you wanted to talk to us about something," Zeke prompts me. I nod and lean forward, resting my forearms on my knees, and stare down at my beer bottle. I need to face this issue, whatever Uriah is to Tris. Even though I very well may not like what I hear.

I sigh and look up at my friends. I sigh and rub the back of my neck. Finally, I say, "Uriah… I wanted to talk about you and Tris."

Uriah raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Me and Tris?" he repeats.

I nod. "Yeah, um…" I clear my throat. "I… have feelings for Tris. I know you two have something going and I mean, you're my friend, I don't want to go behind your back or anything but…" Uriah catches me completely off guard when he laughs. Zeke looks surprised by his brother's reaction, too. I am not really sure what to make of it. "Okay, not the reaction I was expecting…"

"Four," Uriah says, still smiling, "Tris and I don't have 'something going on.' We're just friends. That's all we've ever been."

My shoulders relax, I'm so relieved. But, I'm also very confused. They're always flirting, always together, I saw them holding hands that time… Zeke has made a few comments about their relationship, even told me how excited Hana was that Tris and Uriah were getting serious.

I look to Zeke and he shakes his head and leans back into the couch. "Don't look at me, man, I thought they were dating, too. Uriah and I didn't get the chance to talk very often during initiation and I never asked. I just assumed, I guess..."

"Don't get me wrong… I tried," Uriah explains. "More than once, actually. But Tris has never been interested in anything more than friendship. She said she wasn't interested in dating anyone."

"But you like her," I say realizing what Uriah just implied. He's asked her out… more than once. Tris may not return his feelings, which is great news, but this could still affect my friendship with Zeke. I glance at my best friend. He looks more perplexed than anything.

"Of course I like her," Uriah replies. "It would be hard  _not_  to like Tris, right? But it's not like I was ever  _in love_  with her or anything. It's never going to happen, and I don't think it was ever meant to. It's good, though. I've recently realized that I like Marlene… a lot. I think she likes me, too." I smile. "Go for it, Four. I think you and Tris could be good together."

I look to Zeke and raise an eyebrow. "Zeke? Are we good?"

"Of course," Zeke answers. He shakes his head and laughs. "I really did not see any of this coming. But I'm happy for you, man. And Uri, about time! Marlene has liked you for ages." Uriah grins and his cheeks turn a little pink.

Relieved, I sit back and drink my beer. Now all I have to do is talk to Tris.

"So, Four, when are you going to tell Tris how you feel?" Uri asks, grinning. "Do you need any help?"

I have already thought this out, I have a plan. "Tonight, after dinner," I reply. "And yeah, we might need some help with Natty."

"I'm there!" he replies enthusiastically. "Natty can hang out with Marlene and me, we're supposed to hang out but I'm sure she won't mind if Natty tags along."

I know Uriah has watched Natty many times before but my instinct is to protect Natty, I still feel nervous. "Okay, thanks. But you'd better not get all caught up mooning over Marlene. Natty is your priority when she's with you. Got it?"

Uriah laughs. "Of course, Four. I haven't seen her as much this week, I miss my little sweetheart and want to spend some time with her. Don't worry, I would never put Natty in any danger." I relax and nod. "I'll meet you guys in the dining hall. You and Tris can leave her with me after dinner."

When I finish my second beer, I leave the rest of the case with Zeke and say goodbye to my friends. Shauna had showed up to Zeke's while I was still there and was enthusiastically supportive of my intentions to begin a relationship with Tris. It's a relief to know my friends are supporting me.

* * *

After dinner, Tris walks beside me, occasionally glancing at me curiously. I told her I wanted to show her something, but haven't given her any clues as to where we are going or why. When we reach the Chasm, she stops and looks up at me.

"The Chasm? Why are we here, Four?" she asks, confused.

I smile and take her hand. "You'll see," I say, and I lead her to the rock path that leads down into the Chasm. If you didn't know it was there, it would be difficult to notice; that's why no one ever comes to this place and I can always count on finding solitude here.

"Shortly after my initiation," I explain as we walk, "Zeke dated a girl whose mother worked in Chasm maintenance- and yes, that's an actual job here." She laughs. I smile as I continue. "Anyway, she showed him this spot, which he then shared with Shauna and me. Almost no one knows it's here. I think even Zeke has forgotten about it."

We are now down almost at river level, carefully stepping from rock to rock. "I can see why you didn't want to bring Natty down here," she says. "Too cold and too difficult to walk on these rocks carrying a baby." I nod; that's exactly why I didn't show her this place when she wanted somewhere to hide out on Visiting Day.

We reach my spot, a large, flat rock that sits a few yards above the water, and I sit down, dangling my legs off the side. Tris follows along and sits beside me the same way. I feel the mist on my legs from the churning water below.

I clear my throat. "This is one of the few places in this compound that I can escape the people and the noise, and can just relax and think. I spent a lot of time here after I first found it. I was…" I pause, trying to find the words to explain. "I was miserable. I hated myself for the way I treated you, for the person I thought I was. I know I hurt you, Tris, and I meant to… I thought I had to in order to  _protect_ you. I am so sorry. You deserve an explanation."

Tris purses her lips and nods while watching the water rush over the rocks in the river. "Yeah, I think I do." She looks at me expectantly.

I run my hand through my hair. "Do you remember how Marcus made me go with him to deliver pamphlets to the factions that morning?" She nods. "Well, we only went to Candor. He manipulated Jack Kang into having someone deliver them to the other factions."

Tris furrows her brow. "Then where were you for so long? Candor isn't far from Abnegation, and you were gone a long time that day."

I nod. "Marcus took me into the Factionless sector. He said he wanted to 'tell me about his life.' He told me a story about his father, his own childhood. So that I could understand him and  _myself,_  he said. He told me that his father was a 'hard man', strict, very  _firm._  The same way he was with me. And that it was in my blood- that one day, I would end up  _just like him._  Then he took me to a battered women's shelter. He made me watch through a two-way mirror as women told stories about the abuse they had suffered by their husbands. And  _then_ …" I watch the water below me. I will never get this out if I have to look her in the eyes. "...then he made me watch videos. Interviews with men accused of severe domestic violence. The common theme among them was that  _they_  had been abused by their own fathers."

I look up at Tris finally. She is staring at me with wide eyes. I can't tell what she's thinking. My chest aches with guilt, such a familiar feeling, at allowing myself to really remember that day, and how broken she looked as I flippantly tossed her aside and walked out of her life. "I thought I was protecting you, Tris. I thought it was the only way… I had to make you believe I didn't want you, I couldn't risk hurting you the way he hurt me… the way he hurt my mother. I decided I would never have a girlfriend or a wife or children because I was bound to hurt them one day and I couldn't live with that. Tris, I'm so sorry, I was wrong, so wrong."

"I wish you had talked to me," she says quietly. "You're not like him. I could have told you that."

"I know I'm not like him, Tris, but I wouldn't have believed you then. Not until I found out that Marcus lied." She furrows her eyebrows. "About six months after my initiation, Max volunteered my computer skills to help set up a database for Candor to track genealogy. That was when I found out that Marcus lied about it all. His father died when he was very young, and his mother never remarried. He was just manipulating me, like always. That's when I realized what a huge mistake I had made. I never should have listened to him, Tris."

I look at Tris, hoping and praying and silently pleading for her to understand, for her to forgive me. She sighs. "Thank you for telling me what happened. Well done, though. You had me believing every word of it." My stomach twists painfully. At the time, I needed her to believe it, but hearing from her lips now that she really believed that I didn't love her, that I never had… that I was only using her… brings a fresh wave of guilt.

"Tris." My voice cracks on her name. "If I could take it all back, I would, in a heartbeat. Please forgive me, Tris, I am so sorry."

Tris looks at me for a long time, and the longer she stares at me, the more certain and, honestly, panicked I feel that she will tell me that I hurt her too deeply, that she will never be able to look at me without thinking of all the ways I have hurt her.

 _Say something, Tris,_  I will her. And then she finally opens her mouth to speak and my heart pounds and I want to take it back, because surely she will crush my hopes of us ever being together again, and I don't want to hear her say the words.

"You really hurt me, Four," she says slowly. "But neither of us is perfect. However misguided it was, you were doing what you thought was best, to protect me, and I… well, I can understand that, especially now." I understand what she means; she's a mother now, and it is her job every day to protect her child. I am sure she would have done almost anything to protect her mother from Marcus, as well. "Mother told me once that there was evil in everyone, and the first step to caring for someone else is to recognize that evil in ourselves, so we can forgive them. Now that I understand what happened, what it is I need to forgive, it's a lot easier."

"So you forgive me?" I ask hopefully, but still cautiously. It feels too good to be true.

"Yes," she says. "Yes, Four, I forgive you."

I pull Tris into my arms and bury my face in her hair. "Thank you, Tris," I murmur. "Thank you. I needed to know that you could forgive me. I was a fool to ever push you away. Tris… I want to be with you. I want you, and Natty. I want a relationship with you, Tris. You're all I've ever wanted."

"Are you sure… I mean, Natty…" she trails off, looking at me nervously.

"I love Natty, Tris." I lean in and rest my forehead against hers. "Be with me, Tris. Please."

Her lips lightly brush against mine in reply, then again, more firmly this time. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her closer and tangle my other hand in her hair. We kiss with more certainty, Tris cupping my cheek with one hand while the other rests on my chest. We kiss until we have to stop to catch our breath, and we lean our foreheads together again, our eyes closed.

"Yes," Tris breathes, and my eyes fly open to meet hers. A smile creeps onto her face. "Yes, Four. I want to be with you, too."

We kiss one more time then pull away. I stand and hold my hand out to help Tris up. "We should go get Natty before Uriah gets too distracted by Marlene," I joke. Tris laughs and smiles, and we leave the chasm hand in hand.

* * *

When I wake the next morning, Natty and Tris are still sleeping peacefully. Never before have I woken up this utterly content. In Abnegation, I always had to hurry back to my own bed for fear- no, terror- of being caught and answering to Marcus. And every time I've ended up sleeping next to Tris here in Dauntless, I have awoken to confusion and guilt: confusion about my feelings and where she and I stand, and guilt, which I now know was unfounded, about the relationship I thought she was in with Uriah.

But not today. Today I open my eyes and as soon as I look down, I see Tris. We both lie on our sides, facing one another. Her lips are slightly parted and her honey-blond hair is fanned out on the pillow in tangled waves; one of her legs is slung over mine and my arms are wrapped around her, holding her close to me. I smile hearing a little sigh from Natty's crib.

I gently remove my right arm from Tris's back and roll onto my back slowly, so I won't wake her, then slip carefully out of the bed. I stand there for a moment watching her sleep, then stop and watch Natty on my way to the bathroom. This is what I want, every day. I can't imagine a better way to wake up each morning than just like this.

It is several hours before the rankings will be announced, so I go about my usual morning routine quietly. I don't want to wake them when they have a rare chance to sleep in. After I shower and get dressed, I quickly scribble a note to Tris and leave it on my bedside table.

I am still smiling as I slip quietly out of the apartment and start down the hall. There are things I need to do before I meet Tris at the rankings and job choosing. I know Tris will be ranked first, and so she will have the first pick at job choosing. I am not sure what her career interests are; we haven't ever discussed that, though I know I will support her in whatever she chooses, from leadership down to a job like tattoo artist. But there is one thing I am sure of: I want to wake up with Tris in my arms and Natty asleep nearby every single day. I can't stand the idea of Tris and Natty moving out. I want them to live with me, I know this with absolute certainty. I love them, both of them, so damn much.

That's why I dragged myself out of bed and away from Tris this morning. When I ask her to move in with me permanently later today, I want her to know how serious my offer is.

I smile as I enter the housing office. The woman at the desk is someone I have never met before- she appears to be in her late thirties or early forties, and I have never had reason to visit this office before as I am still living in the same apartment I was assigned after my own initiation. "Hello, how can I help you today?" she asks with a smile.

I take a deep breath. "I'm here to reserve a two bedroom apartment."

* * *

_**Tris POV** _

I am so nervous. In five minutes, the final rankings will be revealed and we will choose our jobs. I am pretty sure I made the required score to complete initiation, so I am mostly anxious to see whether I ranked high enough to choose the job I want. We will choose in order of our final rankings.

I have been almost subconsciously watching the entrance for Four, and I feel so much calmer when I see him walk in. I knew he wouldn't miss the final rankings, but it is still comforting to have him here. It was disappointing to wake up to a note instead of with him beside me, but, according to his note, he had some errands to run, and he promised to meet me here for job selection.

He sits at the table next to ours, next to Zeke. Stealing a sideways glance at Four I feel the sudden warmth in the pit of my stomach. Emotional connection aside, I can't deny how attracted I am to this man. Even before we had defined what was going on between us, before entering a committed relationship, the way in which my body responded to him was unlike anything I have ever experienced. The things I did with Four are things I don't even think I'd want to do with anyone else. I trusted him as a person, and I trusted him enough to be  _close to him physically._ If I am honest with myself, I have always had strong urges when around him. I chuckle remembering back to his shock when I used the lotion for the first time.

"Nervous?" Uriah asks as he sits down next to me, Marlene taking the seat on his right. As soon as they are sitting he grabs her hand. I smile. I also appreciate Uri and Mar agreeing to keep my new relationship with Four on the down-low for a couple of days. Four and I agreed we didn't want to risk any accusations of favoritism.

"A little," I admit.

"Don't be," Marlene says while smiling warmly at me. "You've got to be near the top. You were out of that fear landscape so fast yesterday!"

"Yeah, I turned to talk to Will for a few seconds and you were already done!" Christina says. I detect an undertone of bitterness in her voice; she's jealous. I can't do anything about our ranks now, and I wouldn't do less than my best anyway, so I try to ignore her tone and move on.

"I'm sure you did great, Chris," I assure her. "What job are you going to pick?"

"I think I want a job like Fours, training initiates," she says. "Scaring the living daylights out of them. You know, fun stuff."

"I'm hoping for Leader-in-Training," Will adds.

"I think you'd be good at that," Marlene encourages him.

Our conversation is cut short when Max and Eric make their way to the front of the room. Eric taps the microphone and all the conversation dies out.

"The group of eighteen year olds that started this process earlier this summer have now been molded into soldiers worthy of being called Dauntless. When you all arrived two months ago, I really didn't think some of you were going to make it, but all of you have earned the required scores to pass initiation. So, congratulations to all of you." The Dauntless that have gathered to watch the ceremony clap and cheer.

"After the rankings are revealed, you will choose your professions, in the order that you are ranked. I know you've been waiting to see how you did. The rankings will appear behind me."

As soon as Eric says "me," a list of names appears behind him. At the top of the list is my name, with my picture beside it. I gasp into my hands and smile. Four grins at me from his seat at the next table over.

I read the rest of the list:

Tris

Edward

Uriah

Lynn

Marlene

Will

Peter

Christina

I smile, and hug Christina from across the table. Scanning the rest of the list, most of which are Dauntless-born who I have never spoken with, I see that Drew and Molly are ranked twelfth and thirteenth, and Al and Myra are at the bottom. They will work at the fence, but at least they made it through initiation.

Uriah hugs me. "Congratulations, first rank!"

"Congratulations to you too, Uri!"

The microphone squeals and we turn to see Eric impatiently waiting for us to quiet down. I roll my eyes; as if he wasn't in our same position feeling the same way just two years ago.

"Let's proceed with the job selections," Eric says and we all quiet down. "When I call your name, you will come forward and tell Max your job selection, then if Max approves your choice, you will announce it into the microphone. Tris."

I stand and approach the table near the big screen. I know what career I will choose. I have known since that night over a month ago when Natty was sick, that I want to be a doctor. Once I knew my baby was alright, I found everything at the infirmary fascinating. I like that I would be helping people; I think my Abnegation roots would be of benefit when taking care of those in need. My mother was always so selfless, and the thought of being a little more like her makes me smile.

I think of Caleb and his passion for knowledge, and how my mother confided to me that my father was Erudite-born. I think they would be pleased with this choice, too.

"Doctor in the Dauntless infirmary," I tell Max.

He smiles. "A good choice for our first ranked. Congratulations, Tris."

I smile back and go to the microphone. I lock eyes with Four as I announce my choice to the room. He smiles and cheers with the other Dauntless as I walk back to my friends and sit down. Edward pats my shoulder and congratulates me warmly when we pass on his way to choose his own job.

I started looking into the doctor training program soon after Natty's sick visit **,**  when I returned to the infirmary with Chris for our birth control shots. I would work normal hours that would allow me to keep the baby here in daycare, at least at first, and the job would pay well enough to pay Monica to watch Natty when I did eventually have to work nights. All my training would be done here at Dauntless, which is ideal for the baby as well. My daughter's wellbeing always comes first, and I am thankful that the career I feel a passion for will work with her needs.

Edward chooses to train initiates, and I notice Four smiling. Christina stiffens next to me. Next, Four looks apprehensive when Uriah chooses to work in intelligence- the control room, where Four and Zeke work. He doesn't react much to the other jobs chosen; Lynn chooses tattoo artist. Marlene will work in the Dauntless Daycare; I smile at the thought that a trusted friend will be there looking out for Natty. Will gets his wish of leader-in-training, which makes Peter scowl; Peter chooses a career fighting for entertainment.

Christina talks to Max for longer than the others have before she announces her choice of retail and makeup artist for special events. I know she wanted to train initiates, but there must have only been one position open, and Edward already claimed it. She scowls as she sits back down at our table and side-eyes me. "Must be nice to get first pick of jobs," she sneers.

I take a deep breath and let it out before I answer. "What, did you think eighth rank should get first pick?" I say calmly. "I'm just glad Peter didn't get to choose Leadership. Congrats, by the way, Will."

Will smiles at me in thanks and either doesn't notice Christina glaring at him, or maybe he just chooses to ignore it.

"Hey, Chris!" I say brightly, taking her attention off of Will. "Why don't I come by on your first day? You can do my makeup, make me look gorgeous." I flip my hair dramatically.

"Oh my God yes!" Christina cheers, jumping up and hugging me. "I can't wait! Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" I smile as I hug her back; retail and makeup is clearly the perfect job for her.

* * *

Four and I decided to have lunch alone at the apartment instead of going to the dining hall with all our friends. Though our relationship isn't public yet, everything already feels so different between us. I hadn't realized how much tension was still present when we were together until we finally stopped pushing away our feelings for one another.

"I thought most of the initiates chose well at the job choosing ceremony today," Four says. "Edward will be a good instructor. I won't mind working with him if I train initiates again next year."

I frown, remembering how jealous, almost bitter, Christina was acting today. "That's what Christina wanted to choose," I say. "She was really disappointed when the job wasn't available."

Four groans. "Thank God Edward chose it first then. Christina would have been terrible."

I giggle. Christina may be my best friend, but I have to agree with Four that Edward will make an excellent instructor. He helped me master new moves several times during initiation. "I think she will be much happier with the job she chose anyway."

"Yeah, I think it suits her," Four agrees. "I thought most of the initiates chose well. I can see Will as a leader, for example. He is smart, self-disciplined and level-headed. I'm not thrilled with Uriah's choice, though. I'm sure he'll be good at the job, but I have to work there, too."

"You don't like Uriah?" I ask. I know at one point, he thought that Uriah and I had hooked up. I never told him otherwise, so maybe it's my fault that Four isn't looking forward to working with Uri. I didn't think he actually cared about me, at the time, so there was no reason to.

"No, no, I do like Uriah," he insists. "But you know how he is, always goofing around. I already work with Zeke, who is just as bad, but both Pedrads? God help me."

I burst out laughing. "You'd better watch your back, they're going to team up on you. The control room is going to become Pedrad prank central."

"That's exactly why I'm nervous," Tobias says with a grimace, but I see the twinkle of laughter in his eyes.

I glance at the clock. I have to be at the apartment choosing ceremony in thirty minutes. "Four, do you think all the single apartments will be studios like this one?"

"For the initiates? Usually, yeah," he answers, looking down at his plate and rubbing the back of his neck. He does that when he's nervous. I raise an eyebrow.

Four runs his fingers through his dark brown curls. "Tris, I wanted to talk to you about something," he admits. I wait patiently for him to continue. "Now that we're together… well, we've already been roommates for the last two months. I… I was hoping… well, I'd like you and Natty to live with me permanently."

My eyes dart around the apartment. I so badly want to say yes. This apartment is now so familiar to me, and we would be with Four. He has been so good to Natty, and I love him, I know I do.

But it has been so difficult already keeping the truth about Natty from him. I can't accept his invitation and live together with him, like a real family, when I can't even be honest with him about the baby… our sister.

And I am too afraid of what could happen if anyone knew that Natty wasn't really my daughter. I can't tell him.

"I know this place is small, and Natty needs her own room," Four rushes to add. "That's what I was doing this morning. I reserved a two bedroom for us, in hopes that you will say yes. Please say yes, Tris." His blue eyes are shining and he looks so hopeful. God, I don't want to disappoint him… but I know I have to. The lie that has become my life is holding me back, and even if it wasn't, I want to see that I can do this, that I can give Natty everything she deserves, all on my own.

"Four… that is such a sweet offer. You don't know how happy it makes me when I see you with Natty, and how much I love being with you. But I'm not ready. I need to be on my own for a while, to be independent. I want to get my own place for now."

Four's face falls, and the hurt he's feeling over my answer is unmistakable. I feel sick to my stomach seeing his reaction, I don't want to hurt him. But I can't permanently move in with him, I just can't. He pushes back from the table and stands up, then quickly gathers up our empty plates and takes them into the kitchen. I watch him for a moment as he washes the dishes, turned away from me facing the sink. I can see the tension in his shoulders.

I get up and go to him, leaning against his back and wrapping my arms around his waist. He stops what he's doing and I feel him sigh. I can still hear the water running from the kitchen faucet.

"The first month was rough, but lately, things have been going so well with the three of us living here together, Tris," he says in a strained voice. "And now we're together… I just really thought that things were working out well."

"They are," I admit.

He turns off the water and turns around, stepping away from me. I let my arms drop. "Obviously not as well as I thought," he mumbles bitterly as he paces across the room. "I know this is new, and fast, but we've been dancing around this for weeks, Tris. I want you, I want to be with you. I like having you and Natty here, and I thought you liked being here with me." He scrubs his hands over his face.

It's my turn to sigh, frustrated. "I told you… I do like being here with you. Don't you get it, Four? I'm in love with you! Whether I live with you or not, it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm just not ready to officially move in together as a couple!"

Four freezes then slowly turns to look at me. I feel like his gaze is burning into me, and I don't know if it's a good thing or bad until he charges across the room and pulls me to him with his right hand pressing against the small of my back and his left in my hair and he crashes his lips against mine.

Four kisses me with urgency, seeming almost desperate, and I gasp. He takes advantage of my parted lips and thrusts his tongue into my mouth; I respond quickly and swirl my tongue with his. Slowly and hesitantly he pulls away and stares into my eyes, resting his forehead against mine..

"Say it again," he says.

"I love you, Four," I whisper.

Four closes his eyes with a content smile. "I love you too, Tris."

We kiss again, but soon I pull away and look at the clock. "We can continue this later," I smirk. "I have to be in the housing office for the apartment assignments in ten minutes."

Four's face falls again, but he quickly wipes all trace of disappointment from his face and nods. "Okay," he says. "I don't have to be there for the housing assignments. Do you want me to pick up Natty from daycare for you?"

"That would be nice," I agree. "I'll meet you here when I am done and the three of us can spend the evening together."

Four smiles. "I'd like that. I'll see you soon."

I kiss him, not letting it linger this time, before leaving for the housing office.

* * *

I stroke my sleeping baby's soft blonde hair with my fingers before leaning down and kissing her forehead. I straighten and as I spend another moment watching her little chest's gentle rise and fall, I feel Four's firm chest press against my back and his arm wrap around my waist. I lean back into him and close my eyes.

I got the keys to my new apartment this afternoon- a studio much like Four's- and have taken a look inside, but Natty and I are staying here one more night and will move things in tomorrow. I told Four that it would be easier on Natty this way, that tomorrow we can spend some time there so that she is better adjusted to the new place by bedtime. In reality, it was more for Four and for me. I'm not entirely happy about my decision to move into my own place, but I know it is for the best. And I know that Four was hurt when I turned him down, so I wanted to be sure he knew I wasn't as anxious to get away from our roommate situation as he may have thought.

Four's grip on my waist loosens and he bends to kiss Natty's cheek before he leads me away from the crib. When we reach his bed, he sits and pulls me to stand close to him, between his legs. I decide to be bold and sit on his lap, resting my head on his shoulder with my arms around his neck, and his hands find their way around my waist again.

"I'm going to miss having you and Natty here," he says softly, his nose in my hair and his lips next to my ear.

I smile. "Thank you for understanding about the apartment, Four," I say. "Besides, I'm sure we will still spend plenty of time together. I wouldn't like to be apart from you too much. I love you."

Four shifts, then his nose slides along my jaw before his soft lips brush mine. I kiss him back and let my hands glide down his arms. Our kisses quickly become deeper, full of passion and need as our hands explore each other's bodies.

Four flips us around without breaking the kiss, my back hits the mattress and he is hovering over me with his forearms on either side of my head. We pull away for air and his lips make a trail along my jaw to my ear, then down my neck, giving me a heady feeling. At the same time, he shifts his weight to his left arm so that his right hand is free to travel down my body, stopping to squeeze my left breast on its way to the hem of my shirt. Four pauses and fiddles with the fabric for a moment, giving me a chance to stop him, but I don't, and soon my shirt has been pulled over my head and thrown to the floor.

We both sit up and I pull his shirt over his head, then take in his gorgeous, toned chest and stomach, and I know he is doing the same to me. He kisses me again as he reaches behind me and fumbles for just a second before unhooking my bra; he must be really anxious for this to happen. He slides the straps down my arms and tosses it to the floor next to my shirt.

As soon as we touch again, we quickly become a tangled mess of limbs, hands and lips and tongues exploring one another desperately. Soon the small pile of clothing on the floor next to the bed has become much larger and the bare skin of our naked bodies is pressed against each other from head to toe.

"Tris," Four groans against my neck. "We need to stop. I don't think I can control myself much longer."

My heart pounds. I want to be with him, but now the opportunity is in front of me. We're not just messing around any more, we're actually together and in love.

"I don't want to stop," I tell him.

He lifts his head and looks into my eyes for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say confidently. He kisses me hard, sucking on my lower lip. Panting, Four breaks away from me. He leans across me to the bedside table, opens the drawer and begins rummaging through it. I realize that he's looking for a condom and put my hand on his arm to stop him. "We don't need it, I mean, if you'd rather not… I got the birth control shot a few weeks ago," I explain. Four stares at me for a moment the nods and connects his lips with mine again. His hand quickly finds its way to my thigh, and he pushes my legs wider apart and settles between them.

I suck in a breath as he runs his fingers along my wet, slippery slit. He kisses down my neck and chest, then sucks lightly on my right nipple as I feel him replace his fingers with the velvety head of his dick, running it up and down just between the folds, wetting the tip with my arousal. He trails kisses back up to my neck and murmurs, "I love you, Tris."

"I love you," I say as I pull him closer, tightening my arms around his back.

"Are you ready, Tris?" he asks. I nod. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," I promise.

Then all at once, Four thrusts deep inside me, and I am startled by the sharpness of the pinch I feel deep inside. He pauses there and groans and I hold on even tighter. I dig my nails into his back in response to the pain, he hisses in response and I try to relax my hold a little. I obviously cannot tell him that I am- or was- a virgin, and how else would I explain? I just can't let him notice my reaction.

Luckily, Four must be too focused on the way it feels to be inside me to notice. I can feel his hot breath on my neck as he begins to move inside me, in and out, slowly at first but quickly picks up speed. I am pleasantly surprised to find that the pain fades before long, and while sex doesn't seem to be everything I imagined it to be, it begins to feel good. Not amazing, but good.

Four is breathing heavily against me, his eyes are closed. I concentrate on his hand kneading my boob, the friction created as he pumps rapidly in and out of me and I feel my breathing picking up as well. A warm ache begins to grow deep in my stomach, just like it has when we have fooled around before, and I move my hips to meet his thrusts.

"God, Tris, you feel soooo good," Four moans and I hum in response as my excitement continues to build.

Four's thrusts become even quicker, but shallower. "Tris…" he grunts, "I'm gonna…" he doesn't manage to finish his sentence, but instead buries himself deep inside me. "Oh, fuck… Tris… shit!" he curses with a few more deep, hard, sporadic thrusts of his hips.

He collapses on me for a moment, totally spent, as I lay there still aroused and unfulfilled, staring at the ceiling. What do I do now?! This was not what I was expecting.

After a moment of recovery, Four pulls out and rolls off of me and pulls me to his chest. Through still heavy breathing, he says, "Tris, I'm so sorry. I've, um… been waiting to be with you for a long time. I… ugh." I look at his face and notice that his cheeks are bright red.

"Um, it's okay," I mumble. He's already embarrassed, I'm sure next time will be better.

Four's hand gently skims the skin of my breasts and stomach until it is once again at my entrance. I've already come down a little from my building excitement. Four begins to circle my clit with his thumb and slides two fingers inside me. My eyes are locked on his dark blue orbs as he stimulates my sensitive nub and pumps his fingers in and out of me, bringing me to completion with the same skill he has several other times recently. Soon, I fall apart around his fingers, lightheaded at the bliss exploding through my body. Finally I collapse against Four's chest and he pulls the blanket up over us before kissing my forehead.

After several whispered 'I love yous' and tender kisses, Four holds me tightly, my back pressed against his chest. His grip on me loosens as his breathing evens out, and I know he is asleep.

But I lay awake, staring into the dark. After everything today- Four asking me and Natty to move in with him (and my refusal), declaring our love for one another, and especially giving myself to him, I feel more guilty than ever. Even though I love him, I can't be completely honest with Four. Here he is, now helping me raise Natty- his own sister… and he doesn't know the truth. I want to tell him, I do. But Natty's safety is always my first priority, and telling  _anyone_ , even Four, is a risk. There is also a part of me that is  _scared_ at what his reaction will be to my deceit. Will he understand? Will he be able to forgive me?

I lay awake late into the night thinking, never coming any closer to a solution than when I started.


	29. The Envy of Others

**Chapter 29: The Envy of Others**

**Date: End of August - Baby Natty is 7+ months old**

**^^ Two Weeks Have Passed ^^**

**** Four POV ****

"Again?!" I groan as Tris persistently kisses my neck while sliding her small hand up and down my chest.

Giggling at me, "Oh! I'm sorry. Am I asking too much of you?" Tris is full on laughing now. "I understand, if you can't keep up."

Now she's asking for it, I quickly roll us over on the bed so that I am lying on top of her. I lean down and slowly kiss her smirking lips. My tongue reaches out to caress her lower lip, quickly pulling away every time she attempts to deepen the kiss.

"Have I told you how much I love staying over?" I say while gently caressing her breast with my hand.

"Yes, but only about thirty times in the last two weeks," Tris chuckles while rubbing my back slowly. "I like hearing it, so don't stop on my account."

Two weeks have passed since the first time we made love. I still cringe when I think about the first time I had sex. It was the most incredible moment of my life, while also the most mortifying. I never imagined it would feel so fucking amazing to be with Tris, the pleasure overwhelming me completely.

I still remember how fulfilled I felt while climaxing, yet knowing that Tris was not getting the same pleasure out of our coupling dampened the moment. She was gracious of course, obviously she had a lot more experience than I did. Thankfully we have been practicing  _quite a lot_  since then, and it has paid off.

Sex with Tris is amazing, for us both. We hardly left her apartment in the days following our first time. The second time we made love, we used our lunch hour, so Natty was at daycare for the day. Which is probably a good thing since Tris was so very loud.

"Oh God, Yes! Yes!" she had howled while coming the first time while I stroked in and out of her slowly. That time I was careful to pace myself and make sure she got off first. She later told me that nothing had ever felt as good, ever. I was so relieved.

Thinking about pleasing her gets me back in the game this morning. Although we need to make it to breakfast soon, and get Natty to daycare before that - - I know we have time for round three this early morning.

I move myself in between her legs so that she can feel my excitement. Tris moans and pulls her head back. Taking the invitation I begin kissing her neck while still touching and caressing her breasts, paying close attention to her nipples.

"Four, babe, please," Tris groans as she grinds her hips against me. Answering her with a grunt I slip my hand between us to pleasure her.

"I love you," I say while smiling to myself, loving how wet she is for me. We lock eyes as I slowly slip into her, her arms wrapped around me to encourage.

Our love making is soft and slow, I've learned to listen to the sounds she makes. The most important thing I have realized about having sex, every single time is different. Sometimes we want to go slow and other times we crash together as though our lives depended on every stroke.

"Ohhhh, yeah," Tris hisses as her body clenches around me and she trembles in my arms. I smile into her hairline, proud she has climaxed so quickly. I follow shortly behind her.

* * *

Walking hand and hand into breakfast I give Tris a quick kiss on the lips. Giving a small wave to our group of friends who are already seated, I pull Tris aside before reaching the table.

"Quick thing, I keep meaning to ask you," I say nervously, suddenly feeling exposed. "Would it be, I don't know, weird if I bought a crib to keep at my own apartment?"

Tris's eyebrows furrow, "Another crib?"

Breathing in and out to calm my sudden nerves, "Look, I have accepted your reason for not wanting to move in with me. I will even go as far to say that you were right." Tris smiles at me, looking relieved. Clearing my throat before I continue, "I would like to have a crib for Natty at my apartment, because I want you to know how serious I am about loving you both. I want you both to always feel welcome at my apartment."

Tris nods in agreement, as I see something in her eyes. It lasts only a second, but it was definitely a look of dread. "Yeah, of course." She says quickly, after making her face neutral.

"Hey, you can be honest with me. Did I just upset you? Am I being too pushy?" I press, while trying to keep the frowning myself.

"Four, it just surprised me. But please believe me when I tell you, that your offer and explanation means the world to me. Thank you, I love that you would like to have a crib for Natty in your apartment," she says with certainty. I choose to believe her.

We kiss once more before walking over to say hello to our friends. I notice that Lauren had walked away from the table before we arrived. I shrug it off, Lauren and I have never been romantic. I can't imagine she would have an issue with Tris and me dating.

"Morning, where is Natty?" Christina asks mid-chew.

"We decided to drop her off before coming here, they prefer to feed her breakfast with the other babies. She is big enough to sit in this table that has four high chairs built in, it's kind of cute to see," Tris laughs while explaining to our friends.

I kiss her forehead and offer to get our food while she sits. Christina immediately motions for Tris to take the empty seat next to her while telling her that she needs advice. It's the first time I notice that Will is not at the table, which is odd as he usually sits with us for meals.

And then I remember that part of leadership training is a lot of early morning and late night meals to discuss policy while dining. There is always some procedure that needs a lengthy conversation.

As I'm about to walk away a very tired looking Uriah and Marlene stroll in, the table jeers at them. It's well known that they have officially started dating, and had just recently become exclusive.

"You all are just jealous! Yeah, yeah – we are late this morning. Marlene and I had a  _very busy_ night and morning. It takes a lot out of me to keep my woman  _satisfied!_ " Uri exclaims proudly. Marlene blushes immediately but doesn't stop him boasting about their sex life.

I roll my eyes as I continue on to the cafeteria line to get breakfast for myself and Tris. Tris and I also had a "very busy" night and morning, but we don't feel the need to broadcast it to all of our friends. It's such a Uriah thing to do, glancing back once more at Tris I see she is also rolling her eyes.

In that moment I realize what a fool I was to think that Tris and Uriah would ever be anything more than friends. I know Uriah is a great guy, he has a great heart and is a lot of fun. But really knowing Tris, they just wouldn't be a good match. He is much better off with Marlene, as Tris obviously is with me.

* * *

As much time as I have spent in Tris's apartment in the last two weeks, I am still not fully familiar with where everything is. I open another drawer, hoping the third time will be the charm.

Ah, here we go. Found them!

Tris couldn't break away for lunch today so I swung by the infirmary to grab her apartment keys. The crib I bought is being delivered after work and Tris insisted that I just grab one of her extra mattress covers and fitted sheets to avoid buying new ones. I grab one set, I'm happy that Tris has agreed that she and baby will sleep at my place tonight.

Opening her fridge I see that the leftover from the pizza we ordered last night is there. She already told me to finish it off. I'm about to place a slice in the toaster oven when a sharp knock at the door interrupts me. I just want to eat my lunch in peace and as this is not my apartment I think about ignoring the person at the door.

After the second round of knocking I open the door.

"Oh! Four. Um, hi. Is Tris around?" Will asks nervously.

I notice that he seems really agitated, which then leads me to wonder what he wants with Tris.

"She isn't. What's going on? You seem stressed," I ask.

"Will she be back soon? I really need to talk to her," Will says. "This is awkward, but I really need her advice about Christina."

"Sorry. Tris will be at training all day and then she is sleeping at my place tonight. You are welcome to stop by…" my voice trails off as I see the look of panic on Will's face. "Will?"

"Can I talk to you? I just need advice and it can't wait," Will asks pleadingly.

For a moment I think about telling him he is better off asking a stranger than me. Especially since he mentioned that he wants to talk about Christina. I find her to be annoying, and loud. I'm probably not the best person to give him advice. But then I remember that Will has been the one dating her, so he must like her. This is about them, nothing to do with my opinion.

"I can't promise to give good advice, but I'm willing to listen," I offer. "Would you like a slice of pizza?"

"Thanks, that'd be great," he says. "Can I do anything to help out?"

"Nope, just get started. What is this about?"

"So long story short, Christina thinks I am cheating on her," he grumbles.

I frown, I have zero respect for cheaters. It is such a terrible form of  _dishonesty_  and  _betrayal_ \- two things that I would not be able to tolerate in a relationship.

"Well,  _are_  you cheating on her?" I deadpan while handing him his plate.

"What? No! Of course not," Will snaps.

"Okay, okay," I say calmly. "I was just making sure. So why would she think that?"

"I guess I should take a step back. Christina has been really stressed. No wait, that isn't the right word. I don't really know how to explain it _._ It started during initiation, she was paranoid about everything and really worried about how our friends were stacking up in the rankings."

I nod, remembering what Christina did to Tris when it came to capture the flag.

"What does that have to do with her thinking that you are cheating?" I am not seeing the connection.

Will breathes out slowly. "I'm crazy about Christina, but if I'm honest with myself – I started to get a little annoyed by her drama. I just needed a little distance," pausing for a moment before he continues. "When my new position started I actually became really busy with training. Let's just say that she isn't taking it well."

"So, have you been honest with her about how you are feeling?" I press. I make the decision to keep my personal opinions out of the conversation.

Will starts laughing, but not a "ha, ha" laugh. More like he is so angry.

"I've been trying to reassure her that I am not cheating, I am working really hard. I can't help it that some of the ladies on my office floor are single and attractive! Christina is just not listening," Will snaps. "But this morning was the final straw!"

"I saw her at breakfast, she seemed fine," I tell him.

"Well straight from breakfast she had time to kill before her shift started, so she stormed into my offices and made a huge scene!" Will recounts in detail how Christina stormed in and accused him of cheating and then verbally lashed out at one of the more attractive assistants that happened to be handing him a binder.

"Thankfully Max and Eric hadn't arrived to the office yet," he groans. "But I am sure they will hear about it. Christina was so nasty and loud!"

I visibly cringe when Will mentions the assistant's name; I know for a fact the girl in the story is one of Eric's  _lady friends_ that he is very possessive over. Not possessive enough to make a commitment to, but Eric will be livid when he hears this. Knowing the situation, this will get back to him quickly.

"Shit," I mumble. That is not good at all, especially since Will has been in his new role for less than a month.

I bite my lip, I would run as far and fast away from Christina as my legs would carry me. But I don't dare say that to Will. I remind myself that she is still one of Tris's best friends.

"I am hoping that Tris can give me some advice on how to handle this mess," Will says dejectedly, once again looking stressed. "I just don't know what to do. I really care for her, but she is making it really hard to be with her."

"I can't tell you what to do. At the end of the day you are the only person that can decide what is best for you and for Christina," I say. "I will tell Tris you stopped by, but I have a feeling she is going to tell you the same thing, Will."

"Thanks for listening, I do appreciate it," Will says as I walk him to the door.

"No problem, good luck," I finish.

Locking the door behind him I make a mental note to tell Tris what I know as soon as I see her. I'm also so relieved that things with Tris are so easy and harmonious. We are in a good place.

Picking up the sheets for Natty's crib I make my way to the front door and lock up behind me. I am glad Tris and Natty are spending the night at my place tonight.

* * *

**^^ Three Days later ^^**

*** Tris POV ***

"Oof!" I cry as a Dauntless woman bumps into me in the hallway. A very empty hallway, leading me to question if it was really an accident.

Locking eyes, she is no one I've ever seen before. What throws me is the scowl on her face. She turns to her friend and says something that has them both break into peals of laughter as they walk away.

_Great, another one. How many of these girls are out there?_

It was a few days after initiation ended that Four and I went public with our relationship. Our inner circle was very happy for us, although many were completely shocked.

What I was not expecting is the heat I am feeling from many Dauntless girls because I am Four's actual  _girlfriend._ I cringe remembering what the Dauntless born initiates, during our initiation, had told me about Four's romantic practices. Basically that he slept around a lot, but was very clear about having zero commitments.

It seems that the masses never had an issue when they just thought casual sex without commitments was all Four had to offer. That has changed now that Four not only has a serious girlfriend, but one that has a baby that he makes it very clear is part of the package. Four always carries Natty as we walk through the halls and has on occasion handled drop off and pickups from daycare.

Diana's eyes almost popped out of her head when I added Four as an emergency contact for Natty at daycare, granting him permanent approval to be a point of contact for the baby. I wanted to be honest with Diana about our relationship. She is not only the director of Natty's daycare but she has also been very kind to me. When I told her that Four and I had started dating she just nodded and congratulated me. Since that day she is professional with me, but any warmth is now gone. I know she liked him, but it is not as though they have ever dated.

_Ugh._

Four doesn't see it, but Lauren, I believe, is jealous. Not that she was especially warm to me before, but now she can't even stand to be near me. I tried to bring it up the other day, I had pointed out how Lauren left the breakfast table as soon as we walked into the cafeteria. Four just laughed it off, he assured me that she couldn't care less what he does romantically. I bit my tongue, I wanted to ask him why he would think that as he was just having sex with her a couple of months ago.

I kept my comments to myself because I didn't want to hear his answer. Some things are just better to be left alone.

Glancing at my watch I realize I need to hurry up in order to make it to class on time. I am really enjoying the Dauntless Medical Training program. It is a combination of lecture and lab classes and then hours worked in the infirmary. I am earning decent money during the learning phase of my program. Once I become a doctor and am practicing, I will earn even more.

Even with my lower salary during this training phase, I can afford daycare for my work hours and extra funds to work with Monica. She has agreed to still be Natty's nanny as needed. I smile thinking about how I want to surprise Four. He has been so good to me. I didn't tell him about Monica because I want to surprise him with a romantic date someday. Things are hectic right now, but it is nice to know I have it as an option.

* * *

"Tris! Are you listening to me?" Christina practically shouts at me, her voice thick with emotion.

"Of course I am! I think the entire store is listening to you, Chris," I say. "Please lower your voice, I know you are upset but you don't need to yell at me."

Christina and I met during our lunch breaks in order to do some minimal shopping while we got caught up. She is having a lot of problems with Will, who is also my close friend. Three days ago Will stopped by my apartment wanting to talk, instead he got Four. Four told me everything that he and Will talked about; I was especially horrified to hear about the scene Chris made at his new job. His job in Leadership nonetheless.

"You are right, I'm sorry. I just don't feel like you are on my side!" Christina whines, her eyes flashing with anger.

I slowly breathe in and out before responding. "That is because I am not on  _your side,_ Christina. I told you, I am not going to get in the middle of your relationship with Will, who is also my friend."

Christina just shakes her head with disappointment. "I expected more from you, Tris. I don't know what else to say."

I sigh, "Chris, I'm not trying to hurt you. Will and you are both my friends, and I'm hopeful that you two will work through this. At that point you can both remember that I never took sides. I want you two to work things out and move forward, if anything I'm on  _both_ of your sides."

"Yeah, okay. That makes sense," she agrees.

"Come on, if we hurry we can still grab a quick bite before returning to work," I link my arm through hers as I lead us to the cafeteria.

"Want to split a sandwich? My treat!" I offer.

Christina nods and smiles. Her eyes widen when she sees Will approaching us.

"Christina, I've been looking for you. Could I have a minute?" Will says politely after nodding a quick hello to me.

Smiling at them both, I offer to grab the sandwich Chris and I plan to split. I tell her to come look for me when she was done. Even if just to get her half of lunch.

Paying with my points, I thank the cafeteria worker for splitting my sandwich in two and for the separate containers. It took a little longer than I expected and I realize I will not have time to sit and eat. Thankfully I will be able to eat quickly during my next class which is a lecture. Doing lab work while eating is not really an option for me.

My face falls the moment I see Christina waiting for me, she roughly motions for me to follow her before she turns and stomps out of the dining hall. I don't see Will anywhere in sight. Frowning, I do as she requested.

"Damn him! Of course he was frantically searching for me, he couldn't fucking wait to find me and tell me he wants to 'take a break'! God, what an asshole! Take a break!" Christina hisses, in a combination of rage and hurt.

I am left speechless, not quite sure what "taking a break" actually means.

"Nothing to say? Oh wait, let me guess! You are  _still_ not taking sides, right?!" Christina cries, tears filling her eyes.

My throat tightens, I hate to see her hurting. "Christina, let's have dinner tonight. Just the two of us," I offer, knowing that Four will take care of Natty for me. "We can talk."

Christina lets out a hysterical peal of laughter, not sounding happy at all.

"Oh, why bother, Tris?" she spits while angrily wiping tears away. "You don't want to take sides, and I'd hate to tear you away from your perfect boyfriend. Just leave me alone."

As she quickly turns and walks off I stand in the hallway with my two sandwich containers wondering how things could get any worse.

_Taking a break? Ugh, Will. What are you doing?_

* * *

"I'm sorry Tris, I can see this is bothering you," Four says quietly while rubbing my shoulders. "You couldn't find her, not even in the Pit?"

I sigh, "No, I looked everywhere, she was nowhere to be found. Thanks for putting to sleep Natty while I looked. I thought for sure she would be at her apartment tonight."

Wrapping his arms around me and kissing my forehead, Four leads me to our bed. "I think we should forget about Will and Christina for now. There is nothing worrying about them is going to accomplish," he finishes.

"I agree, there is always tomorrow," I say.

"I can think of a great way to distract you," Four croons before crashing his lips against mine. My heart racing as he pulls me close.

We slowly take off our clothes, Four's hands roaming freely across my body. I love this man so much, and I've never been happier than I am right now. Even after all of the pain I have been through, my heart is open to love. I know that is what both of my parents would have wanted for me.

I remember something I heard Christina and Marlene talking about earlier this week. Marlene was sharing some pretty specific details about her and Uriah's time in the bedroom. My cheeks flush, wondering if it is something I would enjoy trying.

As our kisses intensify and we hold each other, I can feel Four's hardness press against my thigh. I wrap my legs around him as he gently pushes inside of me, filling me completely. I groan as his smooth and loving strokes overcome me with pleasure.

"Four, wait," I pant. I feel him tense immediately.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" he says quickly.

Kissing him slowly I push against his chest, causing him to move away. I then push further so that he is lying on his back. Kissing his neck and chest I move to straddle him. He groans in anticipation. As I am ready to keep going, I slide my hand around his shaft for three good strokes.

"Trissssss," he hisses while pumping his hips in tune with my hand.

"I want to try being on top, will you help me?" I ask quietly, waiting for his reaction.

He nods eagerly, causing me to giggle over how excited he is.

We work together to position me over his sex, with me then sliding down to take him inside of me. We both groan loudly while accommodating to this new position. I ride him slowly, enjoying the feeling of him inside of me.

Our lovemaking is slow and passionate, turns out that Four is a huge fan of having me be on top. We both come at the same time.

Gasping for air as we snuggle to sleep I pull myself closer to Four. He falls asleep quickly, his tiny snores soothing me. I love this man, and I know I always will. I have no doubts.

_I can trust him, he has earned my confidence._

Kissing his lips softly while trying not to wake him, I make my decision.

It will be hard, but I need to tell him the truth about Natty. And I need to tell him soon.

Finally having decided that I will tell him, a new wave of anxiety washes over me. I want to get it over with soon, but I can't even begin to imagine  _what_  I will say.


	30. Mommy Dearest

**Chapter 30: Mommy Dearest**

**Date: Early September - Baby Natty is 7+ months old**

****Four POV****

I open the door to my dark, empty apartment with a sigh. I worked a later shift than usual in the control room tonight, and I am ready to just crawl right into bed, but I know it will not be that easy to fall asleep without Tris and Natty here. Though she has her own apartment, we stay over with one another more often than not. Tonight, Tris is spending time with Christina, who is still reeling over her troubled relationship with Will. I have no desire whatsoever to get anywhere near that.

Between both of our work schedules and her sleepover with Christina, I hate that we haven't had a moment of alone time in almost two days. At least I was able to enjoy a quick dinner with my girls in the cafeteria before Chris whisked them off and I had to report for work.

I turn on the light, and as I toe off my boots, a folded piece of paper catches my eye. That wasn't there before I left for work. Two possibilities immediately flash in my mind: the first is that Tris might have left me a sweet note- it wouldn't be the first time, and the thought brings a smile to my face. But when I open the note, I am quickly disappointed to find that it's from the second possibility: my mother, Evelyn.

_T-_  
I need to speak with you, it's important. 8 AM at Randall & Halstead.  
-E

I huff in annoyance at the demanding tone of the note- as if I owe her something. I almost wish I was working tomorrow so meeting her simply wouldn't be an option, but of course, I have the day off. For a moment, I contemplate whether to show up or not. But she said it was important, and the truth is, I'm curious. Two years have now passed since I learned that Evelyn was, in fact, alive. I have not spoken to her since I rejected her request that I join her in Factionless; she had not reached out after getting my note. As I fill an empty black backpack with nonperishable foods from the kitchen cupboards, I realize with relief just how fortunate it is that Tris is spending time with Christina tonight. Had she found the note, I would have had a lot of explaining to do.

Evelyn is not someone I have thought much about, not since we parted ways. I trust and love Tris, and now that I think about it, I know I should tell Tris about my mother. My stomach turns at the idea of telling Tris as I try to resolve my hesitation.

Maybe it's the knowledge that my father really did kill Natalie. There is no possibility that Tris's mother will appear, alive and well, as Evelyn finally did after letting me spend nine years mourning her supposed death.  _I feel guilty that my mother is alive._

Maybe it's just that I still don't know how to feel about Evelyn Johnson (she's gone back to her maiden name, not wanting to be associated with Marcus any more than I wish to be). I should be happy that she is alive, and I am. But she's still the woman who abandoned me, a helpless, scared nine-year-old boy at the time, to the same sadistic man she faked her death to escape. I don't think I can forgive her for that. Ever.

Maybe, it's because I'd rather just forget about Evelyn Johnson Eaton entirely, and I can't do that if I acknowledge her to any other person. But if she's going to start butting into my life like this, I need to tell Tris sooner rather than later. I have no idea what my mother wants after all this time. I can decide how to tell Tris later, after I speak to Evelyn.

* * *

When I reach the train tracks the next morning, the train platform is abandoned, the sun is low in the sky and there is a chill in the air; I am glad I wore a jacket. At 7:42, right on time, the train comes into view. I begin to jog as it approaches and throw myself into the open door of the last car. I am not surprised to find that the train car is empty. The train barrels north from Dauntless, toward the center of the city.

I sit with my back against the wall, an arm curled around one of my knees and watch the city pass. I can only guess at what my mother wants this time. Past experience would lead me to guess that she, again, wants me to leave Dauntless and join her in the factionless; if so, this is a waste of my time, because there is no way I would leave Tris and Natty for the woman who abandoned me. But I have a feeling that isn't it. Her note said that it was important, and I can't imagine that she really thinks I would reconsider her request. My note was direct and firm, telling her I would never leave Dauntless.

I stand and hold one of the railings for balance when I see that the train has reached the center of the city. At the next platform, I leap from the moving train, landing easily with a few pounding steps forward to regain my balance, and quickly make my way to the intersection at which Evelyn told me to meet her. As I round the corner, her narrow figure comes into view, hunched over tying a shoelace on one of her Dauntless combat boots. Her blue Erudite cardigan has fallen open revealing a red Amity shirt, and she wraps it tightly around her.

She straightens. "Hello, Tobias," she says.

"It's Four," I remind her coldly, standing straight with my arms crossed over my chest. She motions for me to follow her, and I do, but not without a huff of annoyance.

"You're even bigger than the last time," she comments as we walk. She made it a point to comment about my healthy physique the last time I saw her, when I first learned she was alive. I believe it is her way of guilting me, or at least to make her life in Factionless deserve sympathy. I do not respond, I am not in the mood for small talk.

She reaches the door of an old warehouse that appears as though it could crumble at any moment and knocks four times, then twice, then four times again. The door swings open and we walk in past the door guard, a tall man with a tattered clothing and a scraggly beard. I follow her into a room with a wobbly table and a couple of scavenged chairs.

Evelyn motions for me to sit, but I stay standing and just stare at her.

"Here," I say, shoving the backpack of food into her arms. "Just more bland soups and vegetables. I couldn't come up with anything more on such short notice." She reluctantly accepts the backpack, skipping the comments she made the last time I gave her food about how she's 'doing just fine'. "Now, why am I here? You called this little meeting, so talk already."

Evelyn purses her lips as though she is exasperated by me already.

"I saw you out on a run in the factionless sector a few weeks ago," she says. "You were with your sister, Beatrice."

I definitely didn't expect her to bring up Beatrice, and I am unable to mask my surprise before I quickly turn my expression to a scowl. "She's not my sister," I snap. "We lived in the same house for what, three or four months? That sure as hell doesn't make us family." The idea of Tris being my  _sister_  is repulsive. Tris and I  _never_  saw one another that way. We were already much too old to develop a sibling relationship, especially in such a short time.

"You seemed drawn to her," Evelyn argues, and my scowl deepens. "I could tell just by looking at you that you cared for her. No matter what you wish to believe, Tobias, I am still your mother and I know you. So if you do not see her as family, than what?"

"What is the point of this conversation, Evelyn?" I deflect coldly, and she flinches when I call her by her first name. "You can't have seriously sent that urgent-sounding note to ask me about a run I took more than month ago. Don't waste my time."

Evelyn pinches the bridge of her nose and lets out a sigh loud enough to hear over the wind that rushes through the train car. Then she drops her hand and looks up at me. "Natalie Prior," she says.

Just at hearing Natalie's name, I feel an ache in my chest. "What about her?" I snap.

"I recently learned more details about her death. But I suppose, as you seem so close with her daughter, that you already know that Natalie died in childbirth after one of Marcus's beatings this past January."

I recoil as I realize what Evelyn is trying to imply and I take a step back from her. Obviously she means Natty; her birthday is January 15. My mind immediately settles on how absurd the thought is that Tris would lie to  _everyone_ about something so important. Of course Tris is Natty's mother, anyone who sees them would know it. For a moment I wonder if Evelyn is having some kind of mental breakdown. "You're deranged, Evelyn," I growl. "Tris-  _Beatrice-_  is the baby's mother. You're wrong. Natalie was never pregnant. Natalie and Marcus decided together that they didn't want any more children. She told Tris a few months into the marriage."

"Mistakes are sometimes made, Tobias." The satisfied smirk on my mother's face makes me uneasy, but then I remember who I'm dealing with: a woman who allowed her only child to believe she was dead while abandoning him to a monster. If she thinks I will trust her over Tris, she's got another thing coming.

I cross my arms over my chest. I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at Evelyn, how could she possibly forget that  _her former husband_ doesn't make mistakes. I decide it is not even worth throwing Marcus in her face. I just want to get out of here and away from Evelyn's ridiculous notions. "That may be, Evelyn, but that baby is Tris's. She and her child are Dauntless now, with me."

"So the baby is at Dauntless. And the supposed father?"

"Dead."

"How convenient," Evelyn quips. I glare.

"You lied to me for most of my life, Evelyn," I say in a deadly calm, quiet voice. "And you're lying now, too. You can't seriously expect me to believe a single word you say."

Evelyn flinches at my words; she knows I'm right, she has given me every reason to doubt her. Still, she has always seemed to believe that just because she is my flesh and blood, and because she, too, suffered my father's wrath- probably for even longer than I did- that her word should actually mean something to me. Just like when she tells me she loves me. I know with certainty that I could  _never_  abandon Natty to that sort of torture, even if Tris and I were to part ways. It wouldn't matter how badly things might end between us, I love that little girl and would do anything to protect her. So how can I believe that my mother loves me?

"I can see that you still have not forgiven me and don't trust me," Evelyn says sadly, hurt evident on her face. "I suppose you still need me to prove my intentions and honesty." She walks to the door of the room and speaks to someone outside in a dull murmur; I can't make out the words. I decide to sit, my stubbornness giving way to the fatigue I still feel from too little sleep, and the chair creaks beneath me.

Evelyn sits across from me, in the other chair. "Natalie never wanted the child to be within Marcus's reach, so she made arrangements," Evelyn begins to explain, "which involved several of my people. I understand that you don't trust me, so I have called a witness to join us. She will be here momentarily."

"A witness?" What the hell is she talking about? I know that Tris is Natty's mother, I don't care who Evelyn has convinced to play along with this story.

"Yes, the-" Evelyn begins, but she is interrupted by a knock at the door. She rises and opens the door, and the so-called witness enters the room. I stare at her skeptically; the woman Evelyn has summoned is a thin, serious looking woman with gray hair pulled into a tight bun and a crease between her eyebrows, but I see kindness in her eyes.

"Tobias, this is Esther, the midwife who delivered Natalie Prior's baby in January," Evelyn says politely. "Esther, this is my son, Tobias. Natalie Prior's step-son."

I stand and shake Esther's hand. When I offer her my seat, she accepts, and Evelyn produces a folding chair from behind a dented filing cabinet. Once we are all seated, Evelyn turns to Esther. "Esther, I would like for my son to understand what happened to his stepmother." Her voice is uncharacteristically gentle, and it takes me back, for a moment, to my childhood. My mother was kind to me then, and I believed with my whole heart that she loved me.

"Natalie was a lovely woman," Esther says sadly.

"She was," I reply; my chest feels tight. "I loved her very much." My mother looks away.

Esther sighs. "In December, a young factionless woman named Ruby sought me out and asked that I help a friend of hers to deliver her baby, who was expected to arrive in February, when the time came, and I accepted," she begins. Already I am more skeptical; Natty was born in January, not February. But I keep listening. "I did not meet Natalie in person until the night of January 14. Ruby sent her husband to find me, and when I arrived to their apartment, Natalie Prior was there in heavy labor. Her teenage daughter, Beatrice, had helped her from their home in Abnegation to Ruby and Daniel's apartment; I don't know how she managed to get Natalie there. She was in terrible condition due to a severe beating with an unsanitary object, which had pushed her body into labor several weeks early."

I feel like I am going to be sick imagining what Marcus did to Natalie. Baby or no baby, I know he hurt her irreparably.

Esther goes on to tell me about Natalie's infected wounds, the way she became sicker and sicker as labor progressed. She tells me about how Natalie's child was born early in the morning of January 15, and how Natalie Prior held her newborn for mere moments before her death, how she placed Beatrice's hand on the baby's back and told her to take care of her sister before she released her final breath. I notice Evelyn encouraging Esther to continue, while also looking so pained over the sad story.

"Months earlier, Natalie had asked Ruby and her husband Daniel to adopt baby Natalie, in order to protect the child from Natalie's abusive husband," Esther explains. "But when her mother passed away, Beatrice made the decision to keep the child and raise her as her own daughter. Beatrice needed the baby to be hidden until her choosing ceremony in June, and Ruby agreed to take care of the infant until then. It was obvious that Natalie and Beatrice were very close."

"That poor girl," Evelyn murmurs, shaking her head sadly. "First losing her father and brother, then enduring life with that  _monster_  Marcus, only to face such a tragic situation."

I want to push the story away, I am desperate to believe that Tris wouldn't lie to me about this, but the truth is, everything the midwife just described screams Natalie and Beatrice. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose as I think it through; it's exactly how their minds would work. Natalie would never allow her child to be raised with a monster like Marcus if she could do anything to prevent it. No matter how much it pained her, no matter how breaking. Natalie Prior would give up the child she loved so dearly in order to save it from pain.

I my heart hammers in my chest, Natty is my… What if Tris and I hadn't connected, I would have just been some stranger to the baby?! Would she really keep this from me? Would Tris deceive me like this, even after proclaiming her love for me? I don't want to believe it, that Tris could deny me my own sister.

My sister. If it's true, this child is my sister.

Evelyn interrupts my thoughts. "I can see how hard this is for you to hear, Tobias. It's a shame that Beatrice didn't feel as though she could be honest with you." She sighs. "Maybe it's just difficult for her to trust you. After all, you are the son of the man who killed her mother, poor girl."

Tris says she has forgiven me for leaving them alone with Marcus, but has she really? Hearing Esther's account of what happened that night…makes me sick.

I look up and notice that Evelyn and I are once again alone in the room. I didn't even notice Esther leaving. Evelyn takes my hands in hers, and I look up at her concerned face. "Tobias, I still love you, you know. Family is so  _important_ , you had a right to know about your own blood. You are a good person, and I believe you would be a positive influence for that sweet baby. Because I love you, son, I couldn't sit by and allow you to miss your right to love and care for your own sister. I still want to make up for the years I missed. My offer still stands. I want an alliance, I want you to join me here, help me to defeat the faction system. Please consider my offer, son."

The pain I feel, knowing that I almost missed out on even knowing Natty, is suffocating me. I can't even think about Evelyn's plans right now. My head is spinning, and my world is crumbling around me.

"I- I have to go," I manage to get out. "Thank you, Evelyn. I have a lot to think about." Evelyn smiles sympathetically and shows me to the door.

And all the way back to Dauntless, all I can think of is all the lies between myself and Tris.


	31. Secrets Revealed

**Chapter 31: Secrets Revealed**

**Date: Early September - Baby Natty is 7+ months old**

****Four POV****

My palms are sweating as I quickly move through the hallways of Dauntless. My head down, I don't want to talk to even one more person right now. I scowl remembering how I almost bit Lauren's head off a few moments earlier. She stopped me in the hall, insisting she needed to go over something with me. I told her once I didn't have time to talk, and she kept pushing. I finally ended up snapping at her to leave me alone and just back off. She looked so shocked, and then hurt. I will need to apologize later. There is nothing going on with initiation, so I have no idea what was so urgent that Lauren needed to talk to me about.

My first stop after returning to the compound was the daycare center. I wanted to see her.

No.

I needed to see her.

_My_  baby sister.

No one asked any questions when I visited Natty at the daycare. Tris had added me to the list of approved pick up persons many weeks ago. Holding that sweet little girl in my arms, knowing that we are actually related, only confused me more. She's my real family, by blood. She is a here partly because of Marcus of all people. How I despise that man, but he is in fact her father. Just like he is mine. I just had to push those thoughts away and concentrate on the sweet baby that was in my arms. Her face had lit up at seeing me. I knew I had loved Natty already, but the feeling only magnified as I accepted we are truly family.

Snapping out of my thoughts as I finally approach the Dauntless Infirmary Clinic, I breathe in and out to calm myself. In addition to needing to see Natty, I needed to confirm that she was indeed at daycare, I definitely do not want to have this conversation with Tris while the baby is with us.

Tris's ongoing deception replays in my mind again and again. I am furious, but I will control myself from making a scene at the health clinic. I guess I have Christina and Will to thank for that, a previous reminder of how  _not_  to handle oneself when mad at your significant other and they are at work.

I'm pretty sure Tris told me she would be working at the non-emergency Clinic today, likely a combination of shadowing medical personnel and then doing grunt work as part of her training today. Walking up to the counter I ask the receptionist if he could let Tris know that 'Four is waiting in the lobby and needs to speak with her. Just for a moment.'

I pace the lobby while I wait for her to arrive. No matter what, I will stay in control. I have to.

"Hey! Not that I am not happy to see you, but what are you doing here? We didn't have lunch plans today, did we?" Tris smiles at me as she approaches.

I just stare at her, trying to reconcile the love I feel for her and the bitterness growing in my heart when I think about her secret about our sister. A baby I have held, cared for, loved… _babysat_. Right, because as Tris had me believing that Natty was nothing to me, what else would it be called? I was just a babysitter. Only spending time with Natty when Tris would grace me with the pleasure, often turning to Uriah and Christina before me.

"Four?" Tris prompts me for a second time as I just stare at her.

"We need to talk, but here is not the place. I am going to be in the hallway outside of the clinic until you can break away," I say, working to keep my voice down.

"What? Please just tell me what is wrong! I can see you are upset, did something happen?!" Tris pushes.

"I said not now. I'll wait outside, I prefer we discuss this at my apartment," I pause to catch my breath. "Also, I think you should leave Natty at daycare while we talk."

Tris's eyes narrow, but she says nothing.

Sighing, I point out that lunch is coming up so we can talk then.

"Four, you are acting really strange. You're worrying me!" she says as her voice cracks.

"I'll be waiting for you in the hallway," I snap before walking out.

* * *

I have forty-five minutes to stew while I wait for Tris in that hallway. When she walks out I just nod and begin walking towards my apartment, expecting her to follow along.

"Four? We are not at my work anymore, can you just…" she tries to reason the further we get away from the clinic.

"We are almost to my apartment," I interrupt her as I keep walking.

Tris scowls, getting annoyed herself. "I can see you are dead set on dragging this out, let's go home then!"

I unlock my door and hold it open as Tris enters. Shutting the door behind me, while I turn to look around my gaze falls on Natty's new crib. I put it in the same spot her previous one had been when they first moved in. It's an instant reminder how long Tris has been blatantly lying to my face about our sister.

My stomach rolls as a bitter taste settles in my mouth. I want to scream at her, I want to throw things…maybe even break them. I hate feeling this way!

Needing to cool down I silently walk out to my balcony to think, to just breathe. Leaning my arms on the balcony railing bar I look out over the city. Pain grips my heart, as my anger calms down. It is quickly replaced with a deep sadness. A few minutes pass before Tris quietly joins me.

We stand in silence for a little while. I feel her presence next to me, but I do not dare look at her. Not sure if it will be heart ache or my fury to come out. Both emotions are bubbling at the surface.

Tris eventually clears her throat, and I know it is time.

Turning to finally face her I am met with a look of annoyance. She actually looks irritated. It's all that is needed to make me furious once again.

Standing tall to face her, I look straight into her eyes and snap, "How dare you lie to me about Natty?! All this time, all that we have worked so hard for, the things we have shared. That little girl is  _my sister_!"

Tris recoils in shock as she takes a step backward, a look of horror crossing her face. I just stare at her, waiting.

As she roughly breathes in and out, it takes her almost a full minute before she is ready to speak. A look of anguish now settled on her features.

"Four. I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you," Tris cries as the tears begin streaming down her face. "Try to understand! Please! Once the lie had started…it was a lie that became my new life!"

"That excuse, is not good enough!" I immediately hiss. "What is that supposed to even mean to me? Once you started lying...it was what? Just too  _hard_  to stop? That is so lame, Tris!"

"You know about visiting day! I wanted to get your help, to tell you about Mother's pregnancy, but I couldn't find you!" Tris's shoulders tremble as she attempts to explain herself.

For just a moment I hold on to that fact, she did come to Dauntless and look for me. I want to concentrate on that. I love Tris, I love her more than I ever thought possible.

Then my thoughts flash back all of the fights and nasty moments between us. Holding our sister in secret while she and I were nothing to each other. Tris hated me from the moment she hit the net, she had no intention of finding me and letting me become a part of Natty's life!

I need to understand the extent of it all, remembering the look on her face when I practically begged for her and Natty to stay, to live with me. "I want the truth this time! Tell me why you didn't want to live with me, why you wanted to take my sister and put space between us?"

"Fine, yes! It was more than me just needing to feel independence. I felt guilty, I have felt guilty about keeping this secret from you for a long time now!" Tris wipes her tears away. "My lies were keeping me from being all in, and I hated it!"

I don't even know what to say to her. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to reconcile this. I have been  _all in_  for so long. Before I can formulate a thought, Tris is in my face.

"How?! How did you figure it out?" Tris demands, her voice rising. "I was so careful…"

I scowl at her, instantly aggravated at her attitude. I quickly decide I will need to tell her about my mother. I guess we will get it all out there today. And why not? No more secrets between us, why bother now?

"Evelyn, my mother, told me earlier today," I say calmly.

Tris just stares, her lips pressed in a thin line as she processes what I am saying. She doesn't speak so I decide to keep talking.

"My mother is in Factionless and she is friends with Esther, the midwife that helped Natalie deliver our sister," I state while watching a look of horror settle on Tris's face. She places her hand to forehead in an attempt to calm herself.

Suddenly when our eyes meet again there is a fire in her eyes that I haven't seen since this conversation started.

"What a hypocrite you are! You are just as bad as I am, how dare you not tell me that your mother is alive?!" Tris's voice rises, her face getting red with anger.

"Don't you even try to compare the two! These are not the same things! My mother is not related to you. Her being alive is none of your damned business, Tris," I snap harshly.

Tris just scowls at me, she has to know I am right.

"But Natty is  _my sister_ , and you kept that from me!" I yell. "Tell me the truth, had we not gotten together…I never would have had Natty in my life, right? You had always planned on just keeping her from me!"

Tris recoils as though I had slapped her, she is now unwilling to look me in the face while frowning.

"Well, there is my answer, you are something else!" I coldly hiss.

Moments pass, while although just minutes, it feels agonizingly long to me. Tris is staring at the city now, her hands tightly gripping the handrail. Her knuckles are turning white, her grip is the only movement her body is making. She says nothing for the longest time. Until she snaps out of her moment of solace.

Turning on her heel quickly to stare at me.

"Your mom is alive? Was she kidnapped? Did she have amnesia? What would justify her leaving you with that monster you call a father?!" Tris demands to know. Tris actually looks mad. Is she mad for me? In the middle of all of this?

"She left me. By choice. She feared for her own life and she put herself first. She let me believe a lie most of my life. Is this what you want to hear?" I say painfully. "What's just one more woman in my life who is a liar?" I add harshly at the end.

Tris scowls at me as she processes what I am saying. She turns out towards the city again, this time rubbing her temples as she thinks.

Finally after a few moments of silence, she straightens her back and faces me again.

"I need to know exactly what it is you told your mother! What did you tell Esther?" Tris demands, she actually sounds irritated. "About the baby and me?"

"What difference does that make? Of course, because I love you and trusted you I didn't believe her at first. I told Evelyn that she was crazy, and that you were Natty's mom and you now have your life in Dauntless. Since that is what I was led to believe all along- -"

"Damn it, Four!" Tris snaps at me. "Now your mother and I assume Esther, who I obviously can't trust, knows exactly where Natty and I are!"

Tris clenches her fists in frustration. "Do you have any idea what you have done, Four?!" Tris cries.

"Are you kidding me right now with this attitude? How the hell was I supposed to know to keep my mouth shut, when I had no idea what I thought was real was just your pack of lies?!" I growl at her.

"If you had told me that your mother was alive and living in Factionless, I would have been more careful! I could have tried to anticipate this." Tris murmurs, her reaction is a combination of shock and anxiety. She wrings her hands nervously, I can feel the tension coming off of her in waves.

For a moment the love I feel for her bubbles up, the part of me that never wants to see her hurting. I know I love her, but I can't just get over what she has done. I can't just get over what she has kept from me for so long – my own family.

I keep replaying in my mind. Natty is my sister too. Just as much as she is Tris's.

I am snapped out of my internal debate when I see that Tris has started gathering the few things she keeps in my apartment that belong to her and Natty. Since I only just recently got a second crib to keep at my apartment, Tris and Natty had only spent the one night at my apartment. The things Tris has here were for our plan that the girls would be spending more time here.

"What are you doing?" I finally ask. Obviously I can see what she is doing, but what I don't know – what does it mean.

Tris pauses, sighing before she answers. "Look, Four. I am upset with you, and you are obviously upset with me… What is there to say, right now in this moment?"

"That's an understatement, but yeah. I agree. So now what?" I ask. "I am not in a position right now to make any big decisions." I admit at the end.

Finally meeting my eyes, Tris nods sadly. "I don't want to make anything official right now, not while we are both feeling…like this."

"We need space, or at least I know I do. I think we should take a break," I say painfully. But I know right now – if we push this, Tris and I would be over in a heartbeat.

"A break." Tris deadpans. After a moment she finally nods in agreement. "It's needed, I can see that too."

"I just need some space, but I also want to be sure that we are in agreement…no dating anyone else?" I say. I know I have zero interest in even looking at another girl right now. I can only hope that Tris feels the same.

"I agree, of course," Tris says softly as she finishes gathering items and closing the bag she is using to pack up their things. I cringe remembering it was the same bag she excitedly brought over the same day the crib arrived, making it clear she planned to spend a lot of time at my apartment with  _her daughter._ We were both so happy that day.

My heart aches as I walk her to the door. I love her, but I know I am nowhere near ready to just let this go. Her deception was huge, life altering even. I'm unable to just push that away so quickly. I don't have it in me.

Tris and I face each other as she stands at the open door. "Four, I don't know what to say. I'm also angry right now!" she finishes painfully. Her frustration evident on her face.

"As am I, Tris!" I remind her. "Things are really intense right now, I think it is better if we just keep our mouths shut before we say something we'll regret."

"I know, I think we just need to think and let things settle," Tris pauses. "But we do have a lot of things to work out, it kills me to just leave right now."

"We need to say goodbye, for today at least," I state. My mind is reeling, I have so much to think about.

"I am sorry, Four," she whispers. "I hope one day you will understand or…"

"Tris. Please stop. Not now. I can't do  _this_ right now," I warn. I feel ready to explode again. And the truth is that I wish I didn't feel this way. At least not with her. Never with her.

Tris walks out silently, I feel sick to my stomach as I close the door behind her. I shudder painfully also thinking of all the time I did lose with Natty already. A darkness settles in the pit of my stomach, yeah – the baby was basically a roommate these last months. Natty is just as much my sister as she is Tris's! All I really had was the scraps Tris was willing to throw my way.

_I hate feeling this way!_

I am so angry, I feel so betrayed. And I know the reason this hurts more than just the sadness I feel over Natty.

I love Tris Prior, and thus her betrayal hurts so much more.

For a moment I consider running after her.

No.

I want to hate her, I want to villainize her. But all it does it hurt my own heart in the process. I just can't win. Not right now at least.

Right now I need space. And I think she needs space as well.

All I know is that I have a lot of thinking to do with no one to talk to. There is no one I can confide in over this issue.

I'm alone with this.

It's not a good feeling.


	32. Threats

**Date: Early September -  Baby Natty is 7+ months old**

**^^The next day^^**

****Tris POV****

I wake alone in my bed, in my own apartment – the apartment I moved into after refusing Four’s invitation to live with him, because of my secret.  I never imagined that he could find out in some other way.  I was so careful, for so long. The anger and pain of betrayal on his face flashed in my mind for hours last night as I tossed and turned. The confrontation in Four’s apartment only lasted minutes. It all happened so fast, me being caught completely off guard didn’t help. Of course that evening a half a dozen things I _could have said_ to explain or even justify my actions tumbled round and round in my head!

I left his apartment last night so overwhelmed by sadness, panic, and dread, I felt as though it could drown me.  His words were ringing in my ears: _“I think we should take a break.”_  Christina and Will are on a break, too, and it feels more like they’re over; they avoid one another whenever possible, and when they _are_ both in the same place at the same time, the tension makes everyone around them uncomfortable.  Seeing Will in the Pit last night as I walked home with the bag I had just thrown all of Natty’s and my things into was like salt thrown into a fresh wound.  

**_Flashback:_ **

_Fighting to control my tears while quickly walking away from Four’s apartment, I know I just need to keep moving. I can’t break down, not here. I’m still reeling from our fight… it all happened so fast.  I can’t help shaking my head at the irony: just a few days ago I was ready to tell Four the truth, I just needed to figure out how to do it.  Even if I were to just blurt it out, I haven’t seen him alone the past few days to have the opportunity._

_I shake my head and force myself to focus on where I am going rather than my racing thoughts and the dread churning in the pit of my stomach.  I need to drop off this bag at home and hurry back to work – my lunch break is almost over.  Tonight, when my work day is over and Natty is tucked into bed, then I can think about… Stop, Tris.  Just focus on what is in front of you._

_I round the corner from this section of apartments and into the Pit, but what I see immediately makes me step back.  I peer out carefully from the shadows, where I won’t be seen, my heart pounding in my ears.  Will is walking down one of the paths, but he is not alone; he appears to be on a date.  Next to him is a Dauntless girl in a short skirt and a skin tight, low cut top.  She’s very pretty, but otherwise is Christina’s opposite with her pale skin and blue-streaked blond hair that falls past her shoulders.  Will has an arm around her shoulders and his face lights up with laughter._

_Is he seriously already moving on from Christina?  The thought makes me feel sick and I wipe the tears collecting in my eyes with the back of my hand.  They aren’t even broken up!  Not technically.  They’re_ on a break… _just like Four and I are.  I know he and I agreed not to date anyone else, but seeing Will with someone else so soon…_

_I take deep breaths and clench and unclench my fists, trying to keep my emotions at bay, but I still feel sick to my stomach.  I hated seeing Four with anyone else even when I thought I hated him, but now… now I have fallen in love with him all over again.  Surely he would move on from me – he has done so before – and the thought is like a punch in the gut._

**_End Flashback_ **

I sigh and rub my eyes, which are still swollen from all the tears I shed last night.  If I could stay in bed all day, I definitely would, but I can’t.  I have to get Natty to daycare and be at training by eight o’clock.  If I don’t get up and moving now, I won’t have time for breakfast in between.

A shiver goes through me as my bare feet meet the cold floor.  As I begin to shuffle across the apartment to the bathroom for a shower, something catches my eye and I pause.  There is a piece of paper on my floor, near the front door.  With Natty crawling now, I keep my floors immaculate; even in the state I came home in last night, I am fairly certain that the floor was clear when I crawled into bed.  I glance at Natty in her crib; she’s still fast asleep.  I feel my pulse quicken as I slowly approach the mysterious slip of white paper and shake my head at my own paranoia.   _Don’t be stupid, Tris, it’s silly to be so nervous.  It’s just a piece of paper._ Then I smile – maybe it’s a note from Four, maybe a note reminding me that he loves me, or to break the ice after our fight… 

I crouch to the floor and grasp it, straightening before I flip it over and read the words scrawled on it in careful penmanship:

_It is time that we meet and discuss your situation. Noon today, Randall & Halstead. _

_Come alone.  Do not involve my son. I have eyes everywhere, I will find out if you tell Tobias. And then I will make sure you regret it. Do not test my patience, Beatrice._

_Evelyn_

_No, no, no!  This can’t be happening!_  I clench the note in my hand, crumpling it as my heart pounds in my ears and my breaths come out too short and fast.  I have no idea what she wants with me, but it cannot be good.  I sit down in a chair at the kitchen table and work to slowly calm myself, my head in my hands.  

I have to work today, to be in my classes and training for the future I have been working so hard to prepare for Natty and me… _especially_ for Natty.  It’s fortunate that I have a long lunch between my lectures and my afternoon shift in the infirmary.  I will take Natty to daycare, try to pay attention in my classes, and then I will go to the factionless and get this meeting with Four’s mother over with.

Natty stirs from her sleep across the room and her sweet voice begins to babble, just like every morning.  I have to pull myself together, right now.  I need to be there for my daughter and do whatever it takes to protect her.  There is no other option.   _Be brave, Tris,_ I tell myself, but in my mind the voice that echoes is not my own, it’s Four’s.  He told me to be brave before each simulation.  I shake my head; I cannot rely on him now.

Remembering the strongly worded note, I can't risk involving Four.

I must face this alone.

* * *

 

A woman named Therese meets me at the place specified in Evelyn’s note.  I have seen her before, handed out clothing and food and supplies to her, but if she recognizes me, she isn’t showing it.  I don’t know how I manage to put one foot in front of the other as I silently follow her through alleyways that are inhabited by large gray rats and smell of raw sewage.  We are in the part of the factionless sector which is farther from Abnegation, and it seems that the conditions here are even worse than those in the areas in which I used to volunteer.

I knew that the factionless were not as isolated as we were led to believe growing up – I’ve gotten to know some of these “outcasts” quite well, of course, having formed real friendships with a few of them.  Today I get to witness the community they have formed in full force; the warehouse Therese and I enter has cots strewn about the floor, a fire pit in the middle with people gathered around it, passing open cans of food that they all share.  I cringe at the unsanitary practice – I would have anyway, but it is worse remembering all I have been learning in my training about germs, bacteria, and how diseases are transmitted.

“Where are we?” I ask Therese as she knocks in some special pattern on a wooden door.

“Evelyn’s office,” she says shortly just before the door swings open.

Before me stands a familiar figure.  She is tall and thin, with curly dark hair and brown eyes.  I have recognized her before she can speak: she is the woman who was watching Four and me when we ran through the factionless on our training make-up day.  And now, I see what I didn’t before.  The long fingers, strong jaw, hooked nose, even the way her ears stick out a bit too much – the features all are more suited to her son, but I see the resemblance.  This is Evelyn.  This is Four’s mother.

“Thank you, Therese,” Evelyn says.  Her words are clipped and commanding.  “That will be all.”  Then she looks at me.  “Please join me, Beatrice,” she says, gesturing to the room behind her.  Her phrasing is deceptive: this is not a request, it is a demand.

The room she has invited me into is not at all what I expected.  It’s an office.  While the furniture is clearly among the better items the factionless could scavenge from abandoned buildings, the table looks wobbly and the chair she motions for me to sit in is kept level by an old book under one leg.  Still… with the small, rusted filing cabinet in the corner, work strewn across the table… it is clearly a working office.  Which immediately brings to mind the question, _what does some factionless woman need with an office?_

Evelyn pulls the better chair – the one that doesn’t need one leg propped – from behind the table and angles it toward me.  It creaks when she sits in it, though she can’t weigh much more than I do, and we are close enough that her knee is only about six inches from mine.  Pushing down the anxiety rising in me over what this woman could want from me, I cross my arms over my chest and stare at her, and she stares back at me.

“Thank you for joining me today, Beatrice,” Evelyn starts.  She sounds so formal and professional, as if I had come entirely uncoerced.  “Do you know who I am?”  She asks in a condescending tone of voice, as if she were speaking to a five-year-old.

“I know that you’re Tobias’s mother, Evelyn Eaton,” I say bitterly while making the quick decision to use his given name while talking to her, “and that I attended your funeral when I was a child, so apparently you faked your death and left your child with _Marcus._ ”  I say her former husband’s name as if it tastes bitter in my mouth… which is accurate, actually.

“Yes,” she says, “but I prefer Evelyn Johnson, and I am the leader of the factionless.”

My jaw drops, I am speechless.  I didn’t even know the factionless _had_ a leader.  Does Four know?  Or did he conveniently leave that _little tidbit_ out when he finally told me about his mother yesterday?  

“That… I didn’t know,” I admit, and Evelyn smirks.  “So, what do you want with _me_?”  I know it has something to do with Natty, considering the conversation she had with Four yesterday, but I don’t know what she wants or why she cares.  It’s making me sick with anxiety and I need her to get to the point – rip off the band-aid.

“I’ll get straight to the point and make this very simple, Beatrice.”  She leans back in her chair and looks me up and down once.  “Either you give the baby to me to raise, or I tell Marcus that you have kidnapped his child.”

The words hit me like a blow to the stomach: they knock the wind out of me and I can’t breathe, my heart seems to stop beating.  

Evelyn continues, “Tobias will never truly forgive me for leaving him – I realize that now.  I saw it in his face when he and I spoke yesterday.  I have regrets – many, deep regrets.  I am too old to have another child of my own, but Natty is a piece of Tobias, his own sister. Even though she is his half-sister, that means the world to me. My second chance.”

This woman is insane.  Send my baby to be raised in poverty by a factionless woman – one who abandoned her own child?  She cannot be serious.  I feel like right now, I can only either cry, or laugh.  

So I laugh.  Hysterical, sardonic laughter which produces an immediate scowl from Evelyn.  “Why on earth would I surrender my daughter to live _here_ ?” I lash out.  “And with _you_ ?!  You were a horrible mother to Tobias!  Leaving him with Marcus?!  Do you really think a ‘second chance’ could _ever_ make up for what you are?  For what you did?!  You’re delusional!”

Evelyn’s eyes smolder with fury and she clenches her fists.  By the look on her face, I’m surprised she didn’t slap me across the face.  But white-hot anger courses through my veins along with the overwhelming need to protect my child – and to protect Four.  He deserved so much more than the childhood he was given.

“Unless you want that child to be raised by Marcus, because you certainly have no legal rights to her, you _will_ give her to me,” Evelyn threatens.  “Don’t forget, you have betrayed my son as well.  But he will not turn his back on his sister, no matter where she is.  He will forget all about his little infatuation with _you._  I am his _mother._  I am permanent.  You are only temporary.”

I flinch before quickly schooling my features back to the hard, determined expression I have managed to keep for most of this meeting.  And by the look on Evelyn’s face, I know she caught it.  The truth is… she may be right.  He has left me behind before, and I _have_ lied to him, I _have_ betrayed him.  I remember the hurt and anger on his face yesterday.  Can we really come back from that?  Can he really forgive me?  I don’t know. Maybe I _am_ just temporary.

I blink back the tears that I can feel burning behind my eyes.  “Everything I have done this past year has been for Natty,” I say, my voice quiet but resolute.  “Everything!  I have worked so hard to build a good life for her.  And you are asking me to turn her over to you… to what?  A life in the factionless with no way out, ever?  Living off handouts, in filth and without any hope of a better future?”  I shake my head.  “She deserves better than that, Evelyn.  It was my mother’s dying wish, and I have every intention of fulfilling it.  And Four will want better for her, too.”  She makes a face as I use her son’s Dauntless name, but doesn’t mention it.

“Natty will have a good life with me, I assure you,” Evelyn argues.  “Soon there will be no factions.  Under my leadership, the factionless are becoming stronger, and soon, we will overthrow the entire faction system.   _I_ will be the head of the government, and Natty will want for nothing.  My son has known of my whereabouts for two years now, and he knows of all my plans.  He will be at my side, leading the new government with me.”

My jaw drops as Evelyn sits back in her chair, smirking at me. My obvious shock has made it clear that her son didn’t confide in me.  My face grows hot with anger.  How dare Four accuse me of betrayal, of keeping things from him, when all the while he knew that Evelyn had plans of this magnitude – plans that he was included in!  I feel sick at the thought.  When was he going to tell me?  After a war started?!

Evelyn has rendered me speechless this time, and she knows it.  She sits up looking confident and smug.  “Well, Beatrice, I can see that you need a little time to think this over.  If you breathe a word of this to _Four_ , I promise you, I will go straight to Marcus.”  I feel lightheaded.  All I have done to keep her out of Marcus’s sick, sadistic grasp… “You will lose Natty either way.  You can give her to me – someone who will care for her and keep her safe.  Or… you lose her to Marcus.  The choice is yours.  Tell me, Beatrice, do you know what kind of father Marcus is?”

The threat is clear in her voice, but it isn’t necessary.  Of course I know what kind of father Marcus is; it’s the reason I have risked everything to protect that child.  But Evelyn and I both know that I would lose Natty in an instant if Marcus learned of her existence.  I have no legal right to Natty.  She is Marcus’s child, not mine, and legally… I kidnapped her.  I could even go to jail, where I could do absolutely nothing to protect her.

“You have three days,” Evelyn says, standing.  “If you go running to my son about this, or you do not bring the baby to me by seven PM, I will go to Marcus.”  Evelyn goes to the door and opens it, signaling that it is time for me to leave.  Numbly, I stand and walk to the door.  As I reach the threshold, Evelyn locks eyes with me.  “I think we both know the better choice, don’t we?”

* * *

 

By the time I return to Dauntless, a headache is pinching my forehead.  My heart still races, and I feel as though my breathing is too shallow, forcing me to let out intermittent sighs and occasionally suck in deeper breaths, unsteady.  

I enter Dauntless through the main doors and begin slowly making my way to the infirmary.  I have an afternoon shift there – they don’t let me do anything too complicated yet, which is definitely a relief today as I know I will not be able to keep my mind from wandering to the impossible situation I am now in.  The idea of handing my daughter over to _that woman_ is panic-inducing, but Marcus is worse.  I keep telling myself that there must be a way out, but I know deep down that this is just wishful thinking; my racing mind has yet to produce a single alternative.

“Tris!” a deep voice calls from behind me, ripping me from my thoughts.  It is a voice I would recognize anywhere: Four.  I slow my pace and he appears beside me.  I only glance at him.  

“Where have you been, Tris?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” I ask as he gently grips my forearm and pulls me to the side of the hallway.

“Why did you leave the compound?”

What the hell?  I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving.  “How would you know I left the compound?” I ask, confused, crossing my arms over my chest defensively.

Four rubs the back of his neck and frowns.  “I was working in the control room,” he admits.  “I saw you on the cameras when you returned.”

My lips part in surprise.  He’s keeping tabs on me?  How is it any of his business what I do?!  We aren’t even really together right now, other than our agreement not to see anyone else!  Even if we were, I don’t like the idea of him spying on me.  Even as I realize this, my mind scrambles for an excuse that I don’t need.  “We are on a break, Four,” I finally snap.  “I don’t owe you any explanation.”

I pull away from him to continue toward the infirmary, and he stops me again.  “Tris, we need to talk soon… about what being ‘on a break’ will look like,” he says, glancing away from me.

My stomach churns more than it has been, if that’s possible.  Images of Will with that girl last night flash in my mind.  Four probably wants to talk about dating other people.  Of course he does – I was silly to think he might wait for me while we figured things out, given what a man-whore he was before we were together.  

I swallow past the lump in my throat and take a deep breath in and out, trying to push my ever-rising anxiety away.  “Yeah, sure,” I say as lightly as I can.  “Just not now.  I’ve got to go.  Bye, Four.”

I practically sprint away from him, stopping after turning a few corners and leaning against the wall.  I press the heels of my palms to my eyes and bite my lip to push back tears.  I feel as though my world is crumbling around me, yet again.  

After a long moment I straighten and with renewed purpose and determination, resume my walk to the infirmary.  My heart aches at this situation with Four, but I can’t worry about that now.  The only thing that really matters now is my daughter and the deadline Evelyn has given me to come to a decision on her ultimatum.

Three days.


	33. No More Deceptions & Secrets

**Date: Mid-September - Baby Natty is 8 months old**

**^^ Two Days Later ^^**

**** Tris POV ****

Holding my lunch tray while waiting in line to grab a water, a constant rattling sound breaks me from my thoughts. My mind has been running non-stop the last two days, with no resolution in sight. Quickly looking around, it takes me a moment to realize it is the tin bowl of chili on my tray that is making the sound. My hands are shaking…again. I breathe in and out to calm myself. Forcing my hands to steady, my eyes darting around to make sure no one I know is standing near me in line. As hard as I've tried to act normal, the people closest to me have still noticed the change in my demeanor these last two days. Luckily the news that Four and I are having problems has circulated, so everyone assumes that is the cause. Little do they know about the greater issue I am facing.

" _You have three days. If you go running to my son about this, or you do not bring the baby to me by seven PM, I will go to Marcus."_

That vile woman's words ring in my ear for the hundredth time. Tomorrow is day three. Tomorrow I have to choose between Evelyn and Marcus. Natty is not a sister to me, she never was. Either monster I choose, I lose my daughter.

I'm relieved when I see Uriah and Marlene sitting alone at the end of a table, the other half full of some Dauntless members I have never met. I can sit with the happy couple and hopefully be able to eat fast without needing to talk.

"May I join you guys? I have to eat quickly before my shift starts…" I am careful to keep my voice neutral.

"You don't have to ask Tris, of course you are welcome. Have a seat," Mar says warmly motioning to the seat right across from her and Uri.

I notice Uriah smiles and nods, but the smile not quite reaching his eyes. He tried to talk to me yesterday about Four, I had to cut him short as daycare was closing. I know he is concerned.

They are having a conversation about Hana's birthday next week as I zone out.

"Tris?" Mar asks.

"Everything okay with your chili? You look like you are about to gag," she asks with concern. Spooning a second bite of chili into my mouth I force myself to chew before swallowing. Although this is one of my favorite dishes at Dauntless, I can barely stomach it right now. I am eating because I have to, I don't want to add low blood sugars to my list of concerns right now.

"I'm just tired. It's fine," I mumble before taking another bite and smiling.

"I was going to say – please don't tell me you are getting a stomach bug! Then Natty would probably get it and germs pass through daycare like crazy," Marlene laughs. "I'm so glad I get to work in her class in the afternoons. She is a little love."

I have to take a sip of water to control my sudden urge to vomit. What the hell will I tell daycare when Natty is suddenly gone? What will I tell my friends? I have until tomorrow evening to bring the baby to Factionless. Will tomorrow by her last day at daycare?

"Marlene, there is Sarah by the bathrooms. Didn't you need to talk to about that side babysitting gig?" Uri asks in between cake bites.

"Yes! I'll be right back, good eye babe," she calls over her shoulder as she sprints towards the bathrooms.

"Now that we are alone…" he starts, watching me with concern. "I'm worried about you, Tris. Just like Zeke is worried about Four. My brother told me that Four is really upset as well."

I fight to remain calm as Uriah goes on to give me relationship advice. I can't tell him, where would I even begin? Not to mention, as much as I love Uriah I also know that he is terrible at keeping a secret. I love Four, but I only have the bandwidth to concentrate on Evelyn Johnson at the moment.

"Tris? Jeez, are you even listening to me?" Uriah sighs heavily. "Look Tris, you don't have to say anything. I can see you are really messed up because of your issues with Four. Just know, I am your friend and here if you need to talk."

I don't correct him; I allow him to run with his theory. Little does he know that my world is crumbling around me.

And my time is running out.

* * *

Walking through the halls I stop at a water fountain to fill my water bottle. I wait quietly while a woman and her two children are finishing up in front of me.

"Mommy, when is my daddy coming home from working the fence?!" the little boy asks. I would guess he is about five or four years old. The woman is balancing an infant on her hip while trying to close her water bottle.

"Jon, your daddy will be home in three more bedtimes. We talked about it this morning. I know you miss him, we all do. Just like he misses us too when he has to work," the woman answers while shooting me an apologetic smile as she pulls a second water bottle that needs to be filled.

I smile to let her know that it is not a problem.

"Okaaay. Baby Millie is so lucky, she's so little. Babies don't even miss people when they are not around," the little boy pouts while playing with her sister's little shoeless-foot.

My eyes widen, for the first time realizing an awful truth. The woman only confirming my horror as she explains to her son that although babies can't speak, they are people and have real feelings. She assures her son that his little sister does miss their daddy when he is away. She reminds him how "Millie's" eyes lights up every time he gets home from school.

I can't take another moment. I quickly turn and walk away, tears filling my eyes. All this time, I have agonized about  _my feelings_  over losing Natty. I was a fool to not realize how my baby will suffer when I am suddenly gone. She will never understand, nor be old enough to ask or comprehend an explanation. I know my daughter will miss me, she has always known me as her mother.

My heart is breaking as I blink to dry my tears, head down as I walk away. Turning the corner I almost bump into a couple that is embraced in a heated kiss. Scowling, I wonder why on earth a pair would feel the need to suck face while standing in front of the Dauntless Tattoo Parlour. As I step around them I look up for the first time to see that it is none other than Christina in this passionate embrace. And it is not Will that she has her arms wrapped around!

Rolling my eyes I increase my speed as I stomp away.

"Tris?" Christina calls my name.

I decide to keep walking, I have nothing to say to her right now. Moments later I feel her hand on my arm. "Tris! Didn't you hear me calling you?!"

Sighing loudly I pull my arm away. "Chris, you looked pretty  _busy_  and I need to get back to work."

Looking concerned she places her hand gently on my shoulder, "Tris, what's wrong?"

Biting my lip I know that I should just keep my mouth shut and walk away. I know it is none of my business but I just can't control myself.

"So, did you and Will break up?" I snap, my voice sounding harsher than I wanted it to.

"Um, no. We are still on a break. But you know that already," Christina says defensively.

_On a break. Just like Four and me._

Moving my palm to my forehead I press hard. I know that I should be focused on Natty and the dilemma I am facing, but my heart aches. Is Four running around the compound having heated make out sessions with girls all over Dauntless? And if he isn't now, is that next?!

"Hey, you need to relax. You have been so distraught these last two days. I assume you and Four are still taking some space?" She asks carefully as I nod to confirm.

"You know, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Will and I both agreed to see other people," pausing to gather her thoughts. "I'm actually glad we ran into each other. I am really starting to worry about you, Tris. I know how important Four is to you, I hope you can work out whatever this thing is."

Biting my lip to hold back the hysterical laugh that threatens to escape, I manage to just nod. I am on the verge of having my life implode.

"Listen, both Will and I are very different people then you and Four. What Will and I are doing, works for us. Tris, you should trust what you and Four have agreed to. Chin up, okay?" she asks, her face etched with concern.

"Yeah, you make a good point," I muster. "I do need to get going. I'll see you around."

We share a quick hug before I go on my way. I wish I could say that Christina's logical points made me feel better.

But the truth is I just feel worse. Natty's little face pops into my head, time is running out.

**++o+ Flashback ~ The day before +o++**

_It's been twenty four hours since I met with Evelyn, I am no closer to a solution that I can live with. Walking out of my Emergency and First Responder training class while lost in thought, I don't even realize I walked right past Four as I move down the hall._

_Calling my name to get my attention I whirl around to see him standing right outside of the door to my class._

_Shit, I can't deal with him right now. I just can't._

_For the first time ever, I look at his face and I can see Evelyn. The woman that is destroying my life. His mother, the most selfish woman that has ever existed. And Four was the one to tell her exactly where to find Natty._

_Even if I wanted to confide in Four, I believe her threats. This woman probably has eyes everywhere. I know Evelyn will unleash Marcus on me the moment she realizes I am not giving her my baby. Even if I wanted to talk to Four, I don't even know what I would say._

_How about – 'Your crazy, evil mommy wants a second chance at motherhood and since she has no hope with her actual son_   _\- she picked my daughter.'_

" _We need to talk, Tris," he states slowly. I can see that he is uncomfortable._

" _Four, I need space. I'm not ready to talk yet. Please just leave me alone," I demand before turning my back to him. I am two seconds away from losing my cool and breaking down._

" _No, Tris," he says in a firm voice. "We need to talk, and it can't wait. I need a moment of your time."_

_I nod in defeat, already dreading what will be said. An image of Will on a date with some girl that is not Christina flashes through my mind._

_We walk down the hall in silence until he motions to a spot that I can only assume he knows will not be in clear view of the surveillance room._

" _What is it?" I ask, desperate to get this conversation over with. For a moment I wonder if he is just going to rip off the band aid and dump me on the spot. A large part of me wouldn't even blame him._

" _I get that we are having problems as a couple, and we are trying to have some space...but I want to babysit Natty so that I can see her," Four says firmly._

_My back straightens, for some reason that was not at all what I expecting. Frowning, I immediately shake my head from side to side without thinking. His frown deepens at seeing my reaction._

" _Actually…let's not call it babysitting. I want to spend time with_ my sister _," he states firmly._

_Staring at him with a blank look as my mind runs a million miles a minute. My stomach drops as I begin to feel sick. I am dealing with so much right now – and my 'on a break' boyfriend wants to see Natty without me._

_Maybe his mother will ask him for help raising Natty._

_An irrational thought crosses my mind, I imagine Four moving on to love another girl. Then she would be the one bonding with Natty! The jealousy that courses through my body is enough to finally set me over the edge._

" _What is your hesitation, Tris?! She is my family too. Bottom line, even if things never work out between us - I need to have a relationship with my sister," he pauses to breathe in and out. His next phrase is said in a calmer tone. "I want her to sleep at my place tonight. I can drop her off at daycare tomorrow."_

_Fists clenched, my eyes flash with rage as I face him._

" _I don't give a crap what you want right now!" I hiss as tears fill my eyes, immediately spilling over. My voice cracks with emotion as I begin to shake._

_Four's eyes widen slightly, "Tris, are you okay? Look, we can- -"_

_Angrily wiping a tear off my cheek I snap, "Just leave me the hell alone. I don't have time to deal with you right now. But don't worry - one day soon I'm sure everything you want will work out!"_

_I storm off as he calls my name, begging me to wait. I walk as fast as I can to put distance between us. I have to get away._

_**++o+ Flashback end +o++** _

Walking towards daycare to pick up Natty after my last class of the day, I decide to skip the cafeteria this evening. I just want to spend time alone… It possibly being our last night together. Walking into the main corridor that would lead to the Dauntless Daycare my eyes immediately fall on a frantic Uriah. He looks panicked as he is pushing past bodies, his eyes widening as he sees me.

"Tris! Tris! I know you are studying to be a doctor, do you know CPR?!" he shouts frantically while placing his hands on my shoulders. My blood runs cold, someone must be in trouble.

"I know it, yes! What is- -" I ask as Uriah interrupts me mid-sentence to grab my wrist and begins leading me in the opposite direction from where I came.

"I was walking to wait for Marlene to get off from work, a woman was crying because her husband had collapsed and he was having a hard time breathing," Uriah explains, now practically running us through the Dauntless hallways. "Another woman ran to notify the clinic, but if there is anything you can do until they arrive…"

"Of course! Where is he?" I breathe anxiously, I have not been involved in a true emergency situation yet but I have to at least try to help.

Leading me into a large storage room Uriah rushes towards the door at the back. "He collapsed in the bathroom, I heard his wife screaming from the hallway."

As Uriah swiftly ushers me into the large bathroom my confusion is immediate. The bathroom is empty, no sign of anyone having been there at all. Turning to ask him what is going on I see the door close behind me, Uriah has shut me in this bathroom!

Gasping, I bang on the door. "Uriah! What the hell are you doing?!"

"Just go with it, I promise you will not be locked in there for long. Also, this main room was used for interrogations back in the day; it's a soundproof room from the main hallway. Just trying to save you some effort if you think screaming will get you out of here any sooner. I've gotta go!"

Pinching the bridge of my nose I fight to remain calm. I trust Uri as a person, I know he would never purposely harm me.

He doesn't know that tonight may be my last night with Natty. He won't know what this little game is costing me.

* * *

**** Four POV ****

Stretching dramatically Zeke groans, "Shit, this has felt like the longest shift ever. Wanna join me and Shauna for dinner?"

"Um, yeah sure. It's not like I have any plans." I frown. "Tris is still avoiding me…"

Zeke begins to comment on my Tris situation when he suddenly curses at his computer screen. Raising my eyebrows I ask him what the issue is this time. Our boss, Gus, has been riding his ass the last month. Uriah is being trained since joining our department, and every misstep he takes Zeke is held personally responsible. Although not fair, that is how things work around Dauntless.

"Son of a- -" Zeke mutters under his breath before I ask again what is going on.

"My brother left his shift this morning without completing a task he was assigned, grunt work of course. Gus is furious, and now I need to do it! This shit is going to take me forever," Zeke grumbles. "Tell Shauna I'll see her at her place if I can't make it to dinner."

"It can't be that bad, what is it?" I push.

"I have to go to a storage room across the compound and get some spare cameras. The issue that I need to plug each one in and test it is still functioning," Zeke sighs while gathering his things.

Our shift replacements have already arrived as we were about to clock out and leave for dinner. I sigh, I know I have to help my friend.

"Zeke, call Shauna and tell her we will be late to dinner. I'll come with you and help. At least I can cut the time in half," I offer.

"Thanks Four! I will owe you," Zeke runs to a phone and gives me a thumbs up from across the room.

Walking across the compound Zeke is unusually quiet, stewing about his brother no doubt. It allows me the opportunity to think about Tris and Natty. These days have become more and more painful. I know we are on a break and taking time to cool off. But at some point I am hoping she will be ready to try talk things out.

If not, I don't see how we will ever get past all of the issues between us.

"Four? You coming?" Zeke is holding the door open and motioning for me to enter.

I step into the room and turn on the lights. Quickly scanning the storage area I notice there are no cameras in the room. Zeke made it sound like we would be here for hours testing.

"Are you sure we are in the right place? I don't see any- -" I am cut off by the door slamming shut behind me. I whirl around and see that Zeke is not in the room with me.

What the hell?

I try to open the door that leads to the hallway and it is locked. I bang on the wall and yell for Zeke to stop screwing around. This is ridiculous.

"Four? Is that you?" I hear Tris call out from the opposite side of the room.

Running towards her voice I see there is a closed door, a note and a key taped to the wall beside it.

"Tris! It's me. Hold on, I think I can get you out of there," I call out to her, trying the lock before reading the note. I sigh with relief as it opens on the first try.

Flinging the door open I see a very angry looking Tris, our eyes lock and realization hits us at the same time.

"Uriah?" I ask her.

"Zeke?" Tris asks.

We both groan, this is such a Pedrad brothers move. Looking around I notice the room has blankets, food, water bottles and there is also the bathroom that Tris had been locked in.

"Look at all of this stuff? Are they planning on keeping us here for a week?!" Tris cries, I notice how agitated she sounds. My stomach flips, I wonder if she hates the idea of being stuck with me.

"Four," she whispers, placing her hand on my arm. "It's not because I don't want to be here with you. I am just worried about Natty."

I relax and give her a small smile. Then I remember the note that is taped to the wall. It's time to find out.

_Dear Four and Tris,_

_You are probably pretty pissed right now, not that we can blame you. Here is the deal: you guys are going to be stuck in this room for as long it takes you both to figure your shit out. As your friends, we can no longer take how miserable you both are…without the other._

_No worries about Natty, we hired Monica to watch her for the night. Don't think we won't leave you in that room for a long time if needed. Also – save your breath, this room is sound proof. We left a walkie-talkie on the table, we will check in on you in the morning. Have fun!_

_~ Zeke and Uri_

Tris looks downtrodden, plopping down on the couch as I look around the room. I easily find the locations in the room that used to have surveillance cameras, there is nothing. Which doesn't surprise me, Zeke would be smart enough to cover his tracks.

"I don't see any way out. There are no cameras in the room, which would make sense since it looks like it is just used for storage," I sigh while moving to kneel in front of Tris as she sits on the couch.

I'm relieved when she gives me a small smile, I'm hopeful that she will be ready to talk. I love her, and I want to work things out.

"While we are here… Can we talk now?" I ask hopefully.

"I don't really have much of a choice at this point," Tris teases, with a stressed look. "You start. Please."

"Fair enough. Logically I know you were in a terrible situation, and I you tried to find me on Visiting Day when Natalie was pregnant," I pause. Part of me just wants to forgive Tris. I just want to love her and never let her go. I also need to get a few things off of my chest.

"Tris, what really eats at me is that we fell in love, for a second time. We found love as the people we are today, not the sheltered Abnegation kids that were thrown together," I slip my hands over hers and she nods, her eyes shining with tears. "It hurts me that after we got together, you held onto the lies about a baby that is my family too. Aside from the secret making me furious…the truth is that I am really hurt. It makes me doubt if you love and trust me as much as I was so sure you did."

Tris stiffens at my admission, turning to me she frowns. Looking at me sadly, her soft hands touching my cheek.

"I do love you, Four. No matter what, never doubt that," she promises.

Sighing I move from the floor to sit next to her on the couch.

"Then what was it? Were you afraid that one day I would turn out to be like Marcus? That I would become some kind of abuser?" I push. I want to understand what she was thinking.

"No! Don't think that for a moment. I know you are not a monster!" Tris cries, wiping a tear from her cheek.

"Then how? How could you keep me away from my own sister?" I ask painfully.

"Four, I was wrong. I will also not apologize for keeping the secret from you when I first arrived to Dauntless. Be mad if you want, but I didn't know you, and I certainly didn't trust you. Try to look at it from my perspective; it was not that long ago that you told me the real reason you had been so cruel to me. Arriving to Dauntless I didn't see you as a dependable person that I could trust," she pauses to calm herself.

"You are right, I will own that. I made a terrible mistake when I left Abnegation. I regret it," I say softly.

"I also know that I was wrong to keep this secret from you for so long. Even before we fell in love and got together…I knew deep down that you were a good person and I could see how kind you were with Natty," Tris admits.

She stands up to pace the room, wringing her hands nervously as she struggles to explain.

"What I have realized, there is nothing that I can say that will justify keeping you in the dark about Natty being your sister. I am not even sure if I could forgive you if our roles had been reversed," Tris whispers while sitting next to me again. "All I can say is that I am deeply sorry. And I swear to you, it had been eating at me. At first I was so afraid of losing  _you_ that I didn't want to risk things changing. It was killing me to love you so deeply and have this lie between us. I had already decided to tell you, I was just scared and trying to figure out how!"

I believe her, I know that she loves me. And I can also recall times between us when she seemed preoccupied and stressed. I can only imagine those were times she struggled with the lies.

"Four, I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me one day," Tris whispers softly.

"I forgive you," I assure her immediately. "I want to get everything on the table and move on."

Tris cringes and averts her eyes, signaling to me that she is still holding back.

"Whatever it is, please just say it," I plead.

"I love you, Four. But I can't even begin to explain to you how difficult... I'm still upset you told your mother where Natty and I were!" Tris exclaims.

"Well, had you been honest with me then I would never have released that information!" I counter. I get she is upset, but I had no idea that there was any type of secret to protect.

"You know what? I am hurt too, it is not like you were an open book for me either. Even after we fell in love and were intimate you held secrets. Come on Four! How could you not tell me that you mother was alive? And let's not forget that she is leader of Factionless and has plans to overthrow the government." Tris yells at me.

The moment the words leave her mouth I realize something larger is going on.

"Wait a minute. I never told you the specifics about Evelyn. How do you know about her political plans?" I demand, my mind reeling. "No more lies, I want to have a life with you and Natty. But we aren't going to work if we can't trust each other!"

Tris lets out a hysterical laugh before cradling her face in her hands, she is suddenly sobbing. I feel the sadness and despair in her actions, I see she is hurting. I don't hesitate, pulling her into my lap and holding her tightly against me to comfort her.

"I love you, Tris. I have loved you for so long, and I will never stop. No matter what, I will always be there for you," I plant soft kisses all over her face until she smiles for me.

Her body no longer shaking she puts her arms around my neck and holds my tightly.

"I love you too, always," Tris smiles. "I don't want any more secrets or deception between us. I have to tell you everything."

"I want the same thing. Please, tell me what is going on," I ask softly. She is the only one who can decide to let go of her secrets.

She opens her mouth to speak and then closes it again, in that moment I realize there is something seriously wrong. She is struggling, she has been all this time and I didn't really see it. I should have known from the way she exploded at me yesterday.

"Oh Four! Things are so bad, your mom sent me a note demanding I meet with her in Factionless." The moment her words settle in my back stiffens. I sit perfectly still as Tris gets it all out.

"Evelyn gave me an ultimatum! She wants Natty! Your mother wants a second chance at having a child, and she is determined that Natty will be just that. She made it clear to me that she gave up hope that you would ever  _really forgive_ her. And when she sees Natty, she knows that even a half sibling will be the closest thing she will ever as her second chance with you! I have to give her Natty by tomorrow evening or she will make sure I lose the baby anyways," Tris cries, barely able to get the words out over her crying. "I can either give Natty to Evelyn or she will tell Marcus what I did! Your father would get Natty and I then I would be facing criminal charges for kidnapping! Marcus would see me rot in prison for what I have done. Evelyn told me that she has eyes everywhere, I've been on my own with this. If I told you or anyone then she would go straight to Marcus! She also told me you planned to join her in Factionless!"

I am livid. I see red, as I process what that horrid woman is doing. How dare she threaten Tris? She wants to take Natty, an innocent baby, away from the only mother she knows?! My blood runs cold, knowing she's also threatening to hand a child over to the monster that abused us both. That is just cruel.

It dawns on me, this is the same woman that left me behind like an old shoe to run off and save  _herself._ Of course she couldn't care less about what the baby would feel or go through!

Holding Tris close as she buries her face in my neck, I comfort her. I promise her that we will figure this out together.

"Look at me," I demand as our eyes lock. "I am here, we are in this together. It will be over my dead body that either of my demented parents ever get Natty. I don't care what it takes, I will never let them hurt her. Or you. And for the record, this fiasco aside, Evelyn has asked me to join her and my answer has always been  _no._ I know I will never get over what she did to me, I don't even want to. You can count on me, always."

Not sure which one of us leaned in first, but our lips crash together. I somehow pull her even closer to me as our kisses become passionate and desperate. I love this woman, and I'll do anything to protect her.

Our kisses continue as Tris shifts to straddle me on the couch. Our lips are frantic, alternating between kissing deeply and then pressing soft pecks all over her neck, collar even her cleavage a couple of times.

Breaking our kiss to rest her forehead against mine, Tris breathes roughly.

"You okay?" I ask as my hands roam up and down her sides.

"Yeah, it's just been a crazy couple of days. But I want you to know that I trust you," she mumbles before kissing me slowly, our tongues softly moving together.

"I need to ask you something, because I just have to know either way… I was so worried you would see other girls while we were on a break," clearing her throat uncomfortably. "Did you?"

"Absolutely not, my heart belongs to you. Even when we have a terrible fight, I still love you," I promise her. I also know that I need to be honest with her about it all. "I have to tell you, you were right about Lauren."

Tris's body instantly stiffens at the mention of her name. This may be hard, but it must be said. No more lies.

"Lauren made a pass at me. She really believed you and I had broken up," I pull Tris even closer to me when she begins to wiggle off. I can tell she is hurt.

"Tris, it's okay. Nothing happened. I kindly shot her down right away and she accepted it," I pause before letting go of another secret between us. "The reason I didn't think Lauren would care about us dating is because Lauren and I have never been romantic."

Tris's eyes snap up, confusion written across her face.

"I lied, I never had sex with Lauren. Or any other girl for that matter," I admit softly.

"What? I mean...what?" Tris asks, looking stunned.

"I never wanted to go to Dauntless and see how much ass I could sample, that was a lie! When I first got here I was a broken man, afraid of who I would become. And when I realized that Marcus had manipulated me, I was waiting for you, Tris! I had this huge fantasy in my mind of what our reunion would be like on your choosing day."

"I am shocked! I mean… But what about… All the rumors?" Tris pushes, her eyes are wide.

"It was all just speculation, and I let people run with it. I will admit, the Lauren thing during initiation was planned. I was so angry when you showed up with a baby. I was a virgin in Dauntless, and there you were – with another man's child," I cringe remembering not only how mad I was, but how badly I felt about myself. "I was angry and my pride got in the way. Lauren agreed to play along…but I swear nothing romantic has ever happened between us."

"So we were both virgins our first time, but didn't know it," she says slowly.

I chuckle as it does sound crazy. And suddenly Tris is laughing too. I smile at her, she looks happy. The dullness and pain I had seen in her eyes these last days is gone, at least for the moment.

"Well, our first time was not exactly…" Tris giggles and bites her lip while smiling down at me.

I roll my eyes, "You can just say it. Our first time kinda sucked. Looking back now, things make a lot more sense! Had I known you were a virgin I would have been more careful…" my cheeks get red.

"And I had I know you were a virgin, I would not have been so shocked at how…um…fast it ended." Tris laughs as I nip at her lower lip. I can't even be mad, I know our first time was borderline terrible. But I also know that our second time was pretty damned good.

Although Tris is already straddling me, I move her body so that she is sitting directly on my lap. All of this cuddling and talk about sex has gotten me worked up.

My hands roaming to the places I know she really likes, I lean closer to whisper, "Besides, I think after minimal practice we have both gotten  _really good_  at making love."

Tris blushes deeply and agrees while rolling her hips so she can feel how hard I am for her.

I groan as we begin slowly rocking our bodies just the right way to let the other person know how much we want this. Tris begins whimpering as she grinds on the large bulge of my jeans. She is wearing leggings, I know she is feeling enough to get her really aroused.

I unbutton her blouse while her fingers dig into my shoulders, taking a nipple into my mouth over her satin bra she cries out loudly. I am suddenly relieved this room is soundproof.

"Four, make love to me!" she begs as we both begin taking our clothes off.

"Lay down on the couch, I'll get us a blanket," I reach over to grab a blanket from the pile of supplies the Pedrad brothers left for us.

It's then that I see they were courteous enough to leave us a box of condoms. They really did think of everything.

"Are you coming?" Tris demands as she wait on the couch.

I decide to tell her about the condoms later, right now we both need to be together.

Laying down and pulling a blanket over us I begin slowly kissing up and down her neck as she opens her legs so that I fit snugly in between them. Our hands roam everywhere, at first starting slow and then harder and faster as the moment builds up.

Slipping my hand between us I am pleased when I feel how wet she is for me. I am gentle as I build her up slowly, I want her to be right on the edge when I finally give us what we both want.

"Four, don't tease me," she scolds her body frantically shaking under me. Her hand slides down as she strokes my shaft, I groan in approval as my hips begin jerking as her hand works my cock.

Bending one of her legs almost to her chest I align myself with her sweet entrance. We lock eyes, as I slowly stroke into her. She is warm and tight, I hiss with pleasure.

We hold each other tightly as we make love. Tris comes first, I hold her trembling body in my arms as she rides out her orgasm. After her hands wrap around me and go low to massage my ass as I make love to her, desperately chasing my own release.

Our mouths find each other as we kiss lovingly. I feel her tightening around me for the second time, her grunts and gasps alerting me that she is so close to coming.

It is enough to get me to the edge. I groan loudly and pound roughly into her as I climax. She finishes right behind, now a trembling heap in my arms.

I roll to my side and pull her closer to me. We hold each other in silence for a few moments.

I need a little more time before I can go again, but I know I want to.

"Yes, all of our practice has made us pretty damned good at this!" Tris laughs and all I can do is join her.

I know because of my mother's timeline, that we have a lot to figure out and not a lot of time. But before we start, we enjoy this moment together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As our usual posting day is Mondays, next week’s chapter falls on the holiday. FourtrisHEA and I will be spending Christmas Eve and Day with our families, so you should expect next week’s chapter to be a day or two late. We expect it to be up on December 27 at the latest. Thank you for your patience, and we hope you all have a happy and safe holiday!


	34. Getting Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope everyone had a wonderful holiday with their loved ones. Thank you for your patience with this chapter.

**Chapter 34: Getting Help (M version)**

**Date: Mid-September +o+ Baby Natty is 8 months old**

**^^ Very Early the Next Morning ^^**

*** Tobias POV ***

"We should get dressed," I whisper while kissing Tris's cheek. We are still snuggled under the blanket on the couch. Closing my eyes, I make a mental note at how much I enjoyed making love to her on this particular piece of furniture. Not that I ever plan to be locked in a storage room again, but I do have a nice couch in my apartment. Grinning, I file it away for future reference.

I know I will have a future with Tris. No matter what it takes, I will fight for her and what we have.

"I know, but I still just want to freeze time," Tris pauses to look into my eyes sadly. "I know we have gone over this a dozen times, I'm still trying to accept it."

My brows furrow, running my thumb across her jaw. I wish I could push her pain away. After satisfying our pent up desires last night we held each other for many hours trying to decide our next steps. Tears were shed, kisses and caresses were shared as we each drew strength from the other.

The early morning is here and I know that my adrenaline is coursing through my veins because of the threats ahead of us. "It's hard to accept, but we are in agreement. The truth of Natty's paternity will never stay hidden forever. A secret this large, would have come to light eventually. We need to face it now," I gently remind her.

"I know, you're right. Even if Marcus saw me a year from now, or five years from now, with a daughter her ageâ€¦he would suspect the truth. I have to face this head on," she says with resolution. "Natty was never really safe."

"We have our plan, it's our only hope. We have to confess and get ahead of this," I say hoarsely while kissing her firmly. My stomach in knots at the prospect of losing Tris, but I remind myself that I would make the same sacrifice if called upon. I have to concentrate on the fact that Tris is just as capable and brave as I myself strive to be.

"I know, and as much as I fear the prospect of prisonâ€¦ That little girl is more important to me than myself. I will sacrifice for her, I would do anything for her," Tris says firmly.

I marvel at her strength and resolve, this girl that I met so many years ago on the roof of a funeral home. I loved her then, but the person she is today amazes me so much more. She is truly selfless and strong. The love I feel for the woman she is today overwhelms me. She is my everything.

"Natty's best chance is to be hidden, even if it ends up being foreverâ€¦she can never go to Marcus or Evelyn. Ever!" Tris reminds me of the promise we made to each other.

"Tris, I agree 100%. As the unlucky offspring of these two degenerates, I know more than anyone. It pains me to imagine a life where we don't have Natty, but if it is the best thing for herâ€¦it will be worth it," I concede.

After much deliberation throughout the night, we both agreed that the best chance that Natty has is to be hidden, while also being apart from us both. Our hearts ache at the prospect of giving Natty up, but we have agreed that raising Natty ourselves while on the run or even with the secret somehow intact â€“ is too large of a risk for her.

We love her enough to put her needs first.

Sighing as Tris and I get dressed, I think about our plan.

We agree that Monica is a kind hearted woman who genuinely loves Natty. Both Tris and I, separately, have had authentic and important conversations with the wise woman. Monica is practical, kind and decent. We can trust her to help us, or at least give us good advice. She is also far enough removed from our lives that she would not be one of the first people that would be suspected of helping us.

Tris and I have hope, we want to believe we can keep the baby safe.

* * *

"Zeke, as grateful as I amâ€¦don't you ever pull a bull shit move like that on me again!" I jokingly threaten my best friend while patting him on the back.

The smug look on Zeke's face is enough to make me roll my eyes. He is very proud of himself for his role in bringing Tris and I back together.

"Tell Uriahâ€¦" Tris's voice falters. I imagine it occurs to her that she may not see Uriah anytime soon if things go south. "Just tell him that l although I don't appreciate his sneaky methods, I do appreciate him as a friend."

Zeke and Tris share a quick hug.

"Tris, we need to go. Bye Zeke, please don't forget to erase all of the surveillance tapes that I wrote down. I may call you with some more help if I need it. And tell Gus-"

"Yeah, yeah. I got it all. You are calling out sick, and you also want me to delete the video between this room and Monica's apartment. I don't know what is going on, but you can count on me," Zeke assures me.

As we run through the halls I squeeze Tris's hand reassuringly.

Opening her door, Monica's smile falters the moment she sees the look on our faces. Quickly ushering us into her home she asks what is going on. Natty is still sleeping in the crib in the guest bedroom so Tris and I are able to confess the entire story without distraction.

My childhood, my parents, and our short time as step siblingsâ€¦I place my hand firmly on Tris's knee as she recounts what happened after I left Abnegation. It is only after Tris calmly places her hand on top of mine that I realize my hand had been shaking. It still pains me to hear what my father did to Natalie.

Monica is quiet, nodding her head as partial conversations between us become clear to her. After we are done getting her up to speed she asks us how far we are willing to go to protect Natty, because her idea will be difficult but it may be the only way to guarantee her safety.

"I have distant cousin that lives in Amity that runs a small daycare out of her home. She is someone that I love and trust, but we also have grown apart over the years after she left Dauntless. Very few people even know she and I are connected. I believe that she could hide Natty, while also keeping her happy and safe. One more child will blend in nicely with her small daycare in her own house," Monica says softly, her eyes saddened as endless tears fall down Tris's cheek. "I will give you both a moment. My husband works the night shift, I am going to wake him and get him up to speed."

"Thank you, Monica," Tris gasps as she struggles to keep her sobs at bay.

"Hey, talk to me," I whisper in her ear, running my hands up and down her arms. "I love you, we are going to get through this."

"I know, I just am overwhelmed. I don't know how I am going to say goodbye. I don't know how-" Tris's voice breaking as she buries her head in my neck.

"All of this, isn't right. Everything you have been through, all you have sufferedâ€¦ There is nothing I can say to make this okay. All I can do is promise you I am in this with you." Our lips press together, the passion and love always present. "No matter what, I am on your side."

"Thank you, Four. I love you," she murmurs.

An hour later we have the plan in place, now I am just waiting on Zeke to do his part. Monica's husband works in security for the transport of supplies in Amity. He will be sneaking Natty out of the Dauntless compound in a basket and bringing her to Monica's cousin. The cameras that cover the path between Monica's apartment for Tris and I, and then her husband to leave, will be simultaneously shut down for a scheduled maintenance. Luckily that is part of Zeke's job, so he can plan his schedule to best meet our needs.

"It's time," I murmur painfully hanging up the phone after talking to Zeke. My eyes flitter nervously as Tris buries her face into Natty's chest. The baby is smiling and happy, unaware of what is happening around her.

"Tris," I repeat, for a moment I worry she is going to break. That she will be unable to let Natty go.

Tris pats the cushion next to her on the couch, motioning for me to join them. I pull both of my girls into my arms, my chest constricting painfully as we say our goodbyes.

Natty's beautiful face beams at me with nothing but innocence. She is perfect and I love her deeply. I have for a long time now.

"Four, what if this is the last time I ever see her? What if I am saying goodbye forever and she won't understand where I went?" Tris cries painfully.

"Tris, I am going to try my best to make sure that doesn't happen," I say, kissing her temple and then kissing Natty's head.

Tris holds it together until Monica and her husband leave with a well-hidden Natty. Their path through the compound will not be monitored. I believe Evelyn has her connections and spies, I doubt her threat to Tris was empty.

I wipe the tears off of her face before pulling her into me. "Come on, we need to get cleaned up before we head to Candor. I know we have time before the seven PM deadline, but the earlier the better."

We go to Tris's apartment. Even though we had been on a break, I had never retrieved the few things I kept at her place. Having a fresh change of clothes and my toiletries, I decide to take a shower there.

I lean my head against the tile of the shower, the water as hot as I can stand it beating down on the muscles of my back. I think about our plan to talk to Jack Kang when we arrive to Candor. Tris is going to explain the past, and then confess to her actions. My thoughts are interrupted as Tris opens the bathroom door, steam escaping the small bathroom until she closes the door behind her.

"Tris?" I mumble while washing the soap off of my hair and face.

"May I join you?" she asks shyly while undressing in the bathroom.

"Of course," I smile while holding a hand out to her as she steps into the shower. The sadness in her eyes is like a knife in my heart. She is in pain, and there is nothing I can do to take it away.

Our bodies press firmly against each other as we comfort each other. The love between us is what is keeping me tethered. From the moment I found out what was at stake, I wanted to hunt down Marcus and end him. I still want to!

My thoughts while holding Tris close are interrupted when her hand slides down my stomach to grip my cock. I brace myself against the tile of the shower while gasping her name.

"Shhhâ€¦please, just for right now. I just want us to be a girl and a boy in a shower, I don't want to think about anything else," she pleads, her firm and pleasurable grip on my shaft moving up and down.

Unable to speak as my moans echo loudly all I can do is nod in agreement. Tris smiles before kissing my mouth roughly. Gathering my wits I pull her close before turning her body to face the tile, pressing my body against her. I slide my hand around her until I reach her core and begin pleasuring her. I want her to come, I want her to forget about this mess. Even if it is only for a moment.

"Oh yeah, right there," she whimpers, pushing her body harder against my hand and the wall. My other arm slides around her in order to support her weight as she comes roughly.

"Take me to bed. Please," she commands while turning the water off. Her eyes dazed with lust, her swollen lips calling to me.

Stumbling across the apartment, neither of us willing to break our kiss, we fall onto the bed. Not caring that we are still sopping wet, not caring about the pressures we face.

In that moment we are in love and together. Our hands frantically roaming, I kiss all over her body while rewarded in knowing that her shudders and moans are because of me.

No words need to be spoken; I know she wants me. Just as she knows I want her. Resting my forehead against hers our eyes lock as I thrust into her slowly. We kiss lovingly as we collide again and again.

The love and comfort we share, keeping us grounded in each other.

For now, it is all we have.

Love and hope.

* * *

Careful not to call attention to ourselves or be seen together, we make it to Candor before lunch. Entering the building at different times, I walk to the water fountain by the lobby restrooms. It is a weekday and the building is very busy, thankfully the lobby is frequented by people from all the different factions as Candor now plays a key role in the entire city's judicial system. We don't stick out, which is something we need to avoid because of Evelyn.

I do not need to turn around when I feel Tris's presence behind me. She was careful to place her blond hair in a tight bun, similar to how the Erudite style it. It changes her appearance immensely.

"Ready?" I watch as then Tris gracefully takes a sip of water from the fountain.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she grimaces.

Walking side by side to the receptionist I take the lead. "Hello, my name is Tobias Eaton and this is Beatrice Prior. We would like to request a meeting with Jack Kang."

Without missing a beat the reception types something into the computer screen, I see a calendar of sorts pull up in the reflection of her eye glasses.

After confirming spelling of our names she asks, "What will the subject of the meeting be? Faction Leader Kang is completely booked today, his next general meeting with the public will be three days from now at nine AM."

Tris stiffens next to me, I open my mouth to protest. We need to see Jack immediately, this can't wait.

Holding up her finger to silence me, "One moment, please," she commands while picking up the phone at her desk that started ringing.

"Yes, I just typed their names into the calendar. They are standing right here. Very well, I will let them know. Thank you," she says into the phone as her eyes are now roaming between Tris and I.

"Well it appears to be your lucky day. That was Mr. Kang's assistant. She will be here in a few minutes to escort you in. Mr. Kang would like to see you immediately," she explains while printing out visitor badges.

Standing to the side I look at Tris, who is nervously chewing on her lower lip. Slipping my hand in hers I lean down to kiss her mouth gently. She breaks into a small smile and stops the gnawing of her lip.

An older woman arrives to lead us upstairs to what I can only assume is Jack Kang's office. Closing the door behind us my eyes roam over the office, the moment Tris squeezes my hand I turn to follow her gaze.

We are both shocked to see Abnegation Councilman Jonah standing off to the side. He had been staring out of the window, watching the streets below.

"He is with Abnegation, maybe Evelyn has already turned me in!" Tris hisses quietly.

A sudden panic overcomes me, it suddenly dawns on me how ridiculously easy it was to get this meeting. Why else would they usher us right in to see a leader of a faction? Although Tris and I had agreed that she would face her consequences, I snap. I realize in an instant that I will never let them take her from me.

"We are leaving now, get behind me," I bark at Tris while pulling my weapon out and pointing it at Jonah. I remember the man well, he was my father's right hand man after Andrew Prior died.

"I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will not leave this building without Tris!" I hiss.

My eyes frantically search the room, looking for another escape route. There were guards in the lobby of this floor.

"Of course Marcus got to you already, that man is a manipulative bastard. Jonah, let's go, you are walking with us until we get out of the building," I command coldly while staring at Jonah. "Hands in the air and walk over to me slowly."

"Wait! Good grief, you two are the ones that requested to meet with me. And now you pulling out a gun just so you can demand to leave?" Jack snaps incredulously.

It is then that Jonah speaks, his voice calm and steady. "Tobias, Beatrice...it is good to see you both. I can see Dauntless has been good for you. Each of you look so much stronger and more confident than the teenagers I remember from your time in Abnegation. I am not here to hurt you, if anything I hope that I can help."

Frowning I watch his face as he speaks, I am desperate to decipher if he is telling the truth.

Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, Jack calmly sits down at his desk. "Please put that gun away, you are a trusted member of Dauntless. Your job is to protect the citizens of this city...not to point weapons at us. Councilman Jonah is here because he has evidence against Marcus Eaton. In no way has Marcus 'gotten to me,' I find that offensive."

Feeling foolish and relieved at the same time, I nod and lower my weapon. Beside me Tris releases a breath, now calmer.

"Let's all have a seat. I am still not sold on the information Jonah has presented to me. But I would like to hear your take on a few points he mentioned. I am not sure why you both had been requesting to meet with me, please explain," Jack studies both Tris and I with a curious eye. He is a good man, although not very trusting of anyone that is not in his faction. He has always been very clear that it takes a superior person to focus on and relay the truth at all times.

"We came here today, to discuss Marcus Eaton and also to confess a crime," Tris states in a firm voice. A sudden lump in my throat as I process that this is the moment I have been dreading. Tris is going to take responsibility for her actions, while also hoping that she will be shown compassion for the circumstances that led her down this road.

"What crime would that be, Ms. Prior?" Jack asks quietly.

"Kidnapping," Tris manages to say, her voice faltering. It is very evident that this is hard for her say out loud. "I kidnapped my baby sister the same day that my mother died giving birth. My mother who died from injuries related to the beating Marcus had given her that same day."

The room is silent, Jonah painfully turns his head away. Unable to look at Tris as he processes what she has said. It occurs to me that Jonah was very close with Natalie, I can recall a few instances where Natalie and Jonah's wife would purposely sign up to volunteer together.

Jack Kang remains silent, but he does not turn away. His eyes carefully studying Tris before asking her to continue.

"Before Tris continues, I also want to explain my history with Marcus. The man that had abused me throughout my childhood, and I have the scars to prove it," I say as Jack's brow furrows. He nods for me to begin.

"Tobias, you don't have to-" Tris's voice falters. She knows how private and careful I am to hide the scars I carry. But she also knows I will do anything for her.

I remove my jacket and then shirt to show Jack and Jonah the scars that mark my back. As uncomfortable as it makes me, I walk closer to them so they can see the scars that my large tattoo partially masks. It is Jonah's sharp intake of breath that assures me that he has accepted the truth that Marcus Eaton is indeed a monster.

"Thank you, Tobias, for your candor and strength, you may get dressed again. I know I have seen enough," Jack says.

"Please call me Four. Tobias is my given name, I changed it when I joined Dauntless," I request. "I used the name Tobias when I checked in because I wanted you to know exactly who I was. Same for Tris, she no longer uses Beatrice."

"Of course, I understand."

Over the next twenty minutes Tris recounts her story for Jack and Jonah, Jonah only interrupting once to ask why Natalie didn't try to get help. The emotion on the man's face is clear: he feels terrible that this atrocity was happening right under his nose. Tris explained that Natalie didn't learn about what Tobias had endured until after he left, and once Marcus turned on her the threat against her teenage daughter was too much for her to risk. Tris also pointed out that Natalie had no idea who to trust, as Marcus was so powerful and connected.

After all was said, Tris let them know that the couple that were originally going to adopt the baby are willing to testify regarding the ongoing abuse and Natalie's death.

Lastly Tris pulled out a photo I had not seen before. My stomach churned at the sight of a battered Natalie's back.

"This was taken the day my mother died. The last time I looked at it was that day. Only telling him that it existed, I used it against Marcus when I bargained for my freedom. I told him mother and baby boy died that day, and that I would never live in his home again. He accepted my story as he knew he had physically pushed her too far," Tris states flatly, as she stares at Jack and Jonah.

"Are you willing to leave this photo with us?" Jack asks calmly.

"Yes, I have a second copy in the care of a trusted friend," she says.

Jack is very sympathetic to Tris's situation, lastly bringing up that she had already suffered the loss of her father and brother. My eyes shoot up to study Jack, Tris doing the same. I find it odd that the now long ago death of Andrew and Caleb Prior is remembered by Jack.

"I want to help you Tris, you were both right to come to me," Jack says slowly. "The reason Jonah and I were meeting today relates to Marcus Eaton as well."

Jack pauses to exchange a look with Jonah. It's almost as though the men are having a private conversation without words. Finally Jonah nods before turning his attention back to Tris.

"Just recently I came across some information by accident. I needed to check something from Andrew Prior's personnel file. But it was missing, which in itself was odd. Marcus's behavior became erratic and unpredictable when he first married Natalie. As an example, he was desperate to have Beatr-, I mean Tris, go through initiation a year early. As her birthday was very close, he wanted to bend the regulations. But we all know, close doesn't matter - it would have been breaking one of our most important rules. I was stunned at how far he was willing to go. He even asked me to alter Tris's birth certificate! I dismissed that exchange at the time, but it immediately raised a larger red flag in light of the missing file.

"As Marcus was in Erudite on faction business, I made the quick decision to look in his filing cabinet. It was then that I found files of information that Marcus should not have had access to." Jonah pauses to compose himself. "Upon further investigation, I found what I believe is compelling evidence of Marcus's involvement in the bus accident that killed Andrew Prior."

The room is silent, I'm trying to process what this means.

"No! Just no, I can'tâ€¦ My mother married him! Brought him into the home she shared with my father," Tris bursts out painfully. Leaning over to press her fingertips against her temple, the pain she feels is palpable to everyone in the room.

Comforting Tris as best I can, I also understand there is nothing that can be done to push this pain away. I think back to the night I found Tris on the funeral rooftop, the agony she felt over the death of her father and brother.

"If you need some time, we can-" Jack begins. Tris then demands to hear it all, she doesn't want to wait any longer.

"From the information I read, I suspect that Marcus purposely had Andrew and Caleb killed in that bus crash that he orchestrated. There was also a note in the file that Beatrice Prior was supposed to be a passenger on that bus," Jonah pauses as Tris gasps and covers her mouth, the pieces already falling into place in her mind. "Remembering back to their quick courtship, and how determined Marcus was, I believe he wanted Natalie Prior all along."

"I was supposed to be on that bus. I woke up feeling sick, I can still remember everything about that morning. It was the last time that my family was wholeâ€¦" Tris's voice trails off, tears streaming down her face.

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, desperately fighting to calm myself. I hate what my father did, not only to Andrew and Caleb, but also the other innocent people on the bus that died that day.

I try to imagine my life without Tris. Had Marcus succeeded, she would have died too. The thought enrages me.

"So is this it? When are you arresting Marcus?!" Tris demands. The fire is back in her eyes.

Jack sighs before answering. "Could I humiliate Marcus and arrest him within the hour? Yes. The problem is that the hard evidence Jonah was able to secure is not enough to result in a conviction. Tris and Tobias, I believe everything you have shared today. But even your testimony and that of the the Factionless couple is complete hearsay."

I groan, my frustration growing. Somehow that man always manages to get away with his crimes. It's as though he is meant to skate through life avoiding the consequences for his actions.

"Although you can prove that people were hurt, the proof that it was actually Marcus is just not there. What we have today is not enough, but that doesn't mean I am giving up. Listening to your stories and the history of abuse, I have to believe that a confrontation between Marcus and you both will be the most likely way to trip him up," Jack says. "If you are willing, I'd like to work with you to trap Marcus Eaton and make him pay for his crimes. Your help in exchange for a plea deal, Tris."

Our eyes lock for just a moment before we both answer with a firm yes.

Tris and I are all in.


	35. Breaking Family Ties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This is the second to last chapter of Deceptions and Secrets. Ch 36 will be the grand finale and we look forward to sharing it with you!

**Chapter 35: Breaking Family Ties**

**Date: Mid-September +o+ Baby Natty is 8 months old**

**^^ Later that Afternoon ^^**

**** Four POV ****

"Four? Are you okay?" Tris asks me, concern etched on her face. Leaning against the wall next to the open door of the moving train, I breathe in and out slowly.

I force myself to nod although I feel the pressure, knowing how much is at stake. Now is not the time for me to be weak. We are taking the train to Abnegation, it is time for our confrontation with Marcus. My father who I haven't seen in over two years.

My father, who is a monster.

Averting my eyes to look across the moving city I focus on the task at hand. My mind is racing a mile a minute.

With the help of Jack Kang and his top security officer, Tris and I have come up with a plan to trap Marcus. Jonah was able to give us Marcus's schedule for the remainder of the day.

In exchange for our cooperation and if the plan is successful in trapping Marcus, Tris will get a plea deal to clear her from any penalty for "kidnapping" Natty.

Tris and I are ready to confront Marcus with the proof of his involvement in killing her father and brother. With the help of a Candor top judge, we are both wired. Although Jack made the call that he needed  _more_ to actually convict Marcus, the information Jack had gathered was  _enough_  to convince a judge to allow us to be wired and have a conversation with Marcus. It's not like I can strap my father to chair and electrocute him into a confession. Our goal is to get Marcus on tape admitting his crimes while being taped through the wire.

With so much at stake, the pressure to finally catch Marcus bears down on us. Everything I have ever wanted and loved is on the line.

We can't fail. We won't.

"Hey," Tris whispers while sliding her arms around my waist. "You don't need to be brave for me. I can't imagine how it must feel for you to see your father again. I'm here for you."

Holding her cheek I marvel at her strength, she is facing off the man that most likely wiped out her family and her freedom is on the line…and she's worried about me.

"I love you, Tris."

Smiling she stands on her tiptoes and plants a firm kiss against my lips. Resting my chin on the top of her head I see that our stop is coming up.

It's time.

Walking quietly through Abnegation in silence, Tris is tightly holding the folder with copies of the proof Jonah found in her hand. We have practiced the confrontation scenario that we expect with Marcus a few times this afternoon. If so much wasn't at risk, it would have been comical the perfect way that Jonah was able mimic how arrogant Marcus could be. What Jonah didn't know how to portray is the rage his colleague hides just below the surface. I have no doubt Marcus will show us his true colors today.

I am counting on it.

Standing in front of the house, I cringe remembering my last exchange with Tris here. I was so cruel to her, the lies that flew out of my mouth hurting her so deeply. Scowling I remember how Marcus manipulated me so cleverly, he played me like a fiddle. And I fell right into his trap...which is on me.

Clearing her throat to get my attention Tris holds her hand ready to knock on the front door. I nod to let her know I am ready before she does.

Marcus comes into view as his door roughly swings open, his eyes widening for a moment at the sight of us at his doorstep.

"Well, isn't this interesting. Today is turning out to be quite the day," Marcus sneers, his eyes coldly fixating on me. "What are you doing here, son?"

Tris stiffens next to me, her eyes boring into the man in front of us. Marcus on the other hand lost interest in her the moment he saw us at his door.

"We have some things to cover with you, we don't mind standing in the middle of the street if you rather not have us enter," I say coldly.

"What happened? You couldn't wait until seven-thirty to meet with me?" Marcus growls. "I don't appreciate being 'summoned', boy. Who are you to send me ridiculous demands?"

Quickly locking eyes with Tris I realize she also has no idea what he is ranting about.

Pulling a note out of his pocket he waves it in front of my face, "You have nerve, demanding that I meet you in the middle of Factionless after dark. You weren't even man enough to sign your name!"

Seven-thirty, just thirty minutes past the deadline Evelyn gave Tris to turn over Natty. My blood run cold, my mother wasn't even going to wait the night before unleashing Marcus on Tris and my baby sister. I'm sure Evelyn didn't sign her name, with the hope Natty would have been in her arms. Then Marcus would have been none the wiser to what was happening.

God, I hate that woman. Almost as much as I hate him.

"We are here now, do you want to talk or not?" I demand.

"Get inside,  _that girl_  can wait for you outside," Marcus looks at Tris coldly. Meeting his gaze, her eyes narrow with hate.

"I don't think you understand, Tris and I are  _together_ now. Wherever I go, she goes."

The look of shock and disgust on my father's face almost makes me laugh.

"Keep your voices down, get inside damn it!" he hisses coldly, rage in his eyes.

Stepping into the home I keep myself between Marcus and Tris at all times.

"Are you trying to tell me that you are in a romantic relationship with  _that girl_? That is disgusting, she is your sister!" he sneers, his face getting redder each minute that passes.

"Actually father, we became romantic before my choosing day. Right under your nose, in your own house…the house with all of your precious rules," I state calmly, counting on my ability to rile him up. We need Marcus to be off kilter in order to trap him.

"That is repulsive. You worthless, ingrate of a child! After everything I did for you, this is how you-"

"What you did for me? I think the correct phrase is what you did  _to me_! Even to this day, you don't see how sick of a person you are. Even after what you did to Natalie!" I spit, my anger boiling just under the surface.

Marcus glares at Tris for the first time, "Running your mouth about me, you little witch? Filling my son's head with lies."

"We aren't here to discuss lies, Marcus. I have proof to what a monster you are," Tris snaps, opening the folder she brought. "I recently found these documents in your office, it is proof that you orchestrated the bus crash that killed my father and brother!"

Snatching the folder from her hands, Marcus quickly scans the contents, a sick smile appearing on his face the further he reviews.

"There is nothing here but circumstantial information, no one will ever believe you," Marcus goads us. "There is nothing to prove what I did. Nothing, so you should just move on."

"Tell me why! I deserve to know why you wanted my family dead. Why you even wanted me dead, I saw the notes that explained I was supposed to be on that bus. Why?" Tris cries.

To my horror Marcus begins laughing loudly as he explains, "Why? Because I could  _Beatrice_. I was a leader of mindless lambs that needed me to guide them. Imagine my dismay as your father, the noble Andrew Prior, became more and more revered. Council members and faction members alike had a deep respect for him, that only grew as time went by! And right by his side, the lovely Natalie."

Quickly working out his motivation, my heart lurches for Tris. I can't imagine how painful this must be for her to listen to.

"I knew what would happen. I'd be forced to step down as your father became the Abnegation leader, with his perfect wife and family by his side. I wasn't about to let that happen!" Marcus's voice rising, his face red with indignation. "I wanted to get rid of all three of you, I knew I would be able to get Natalie to marry me out of need. You wicked little brat, you ruined everything. You seduced my son in my own home, and you turned your mother against me!"

Tears streaming down her face as she shakes with rage, "You monster. You stupid man. My father never dreamt of power, he never would have wanted the responsibility of being a faction leader! This threat, was all in your sick mind!"

"You should have died too! I planned for you to be  _gone_  along with you father and brother. You were always a troublemaker, and you got in the way of what I could have had with Natalie...a new family with a far superior child from your mother and I," Marcus growls at Tris. "Natalie was always meant to be with me. I deserved a woman like her, not that waste of space that birthed my weak son."

Turning to look in my eyes, "I didn't deserve the lame woman my first wife turned out to be. Your mother was pathetic and weak, just like you. I am glad she is dead!"

And then he begins laughing, he turns to toss the folder in low burning fireplace. "As I said, you have no proof. I got away with that bus crash, just like I got away with your mother's accidental death. And there is nothing you can do about it! Your dead family is gone forever, I only regret you didn't join them."

The smell of burnt paper filling the room, I welcome the feeling of Tris's hand entwining with mine. Our eyes meet, tears of relief shining. We have him, he said everything we needed him to say and more. We smile at each other before facing Marcus.

The confusion on his face is evident, trying to decipher why we appear happy. Marcus's confusion is short lived, Candor guards enter his home immediately seizing him. The flabbergasted look on his face is priceless.

"Thank you, for being you," I say smugly, unbuttoning the first few buttons of my shirt so he can see the microphone I am wearing.

The rage in his face as he works out what has happened. "You little bastard! I'll kill you!" he screams while breaking out of the guard's hold and lunging for me. I don't hesitate, realizing the terror he once invoked in me is no longer, I punch him in the face, causing him to fall back.

"I'm not afraid of you Marcus. Not anymore," I snap before turning my attention to Tris. She looks relieved.

"Four, would you like a few minutes alone? To properly say goodbye to your father?" the lead Candor guard asks while scowling at him, offering me the chance to inflict pain on my father. Pain that although he deserves, I have no desire to give.

"No, thank you," I face my father square on. "Marcus, you aren't even worth my effort."

Jack Kang enters, frowning at Marcus as he is dragged out of his home. Jack gives strict instructions to the men transporting him, taking no chances.

"It's really over," Tris whispers as I pull her into my arms and kiss her forehead. "He is going to pay for all of his sins."

"Yes, he is. And more importantly - - we have our lives back. You, me and Natty, we can put this behind us and just be," I kiss her deeply. I never imagined I'd have her in my arms again while standing in the middle of this house, but here we are.

* * *

I am suited up, ready with the team made up of Candor and Dauntless guards that will storm Factionless. Less than two hours ago I requested an emergency meeting with the different faction leaders, Jonah now representing Abnegation. The meeting was short, it didn't take me long to explain what my mother had been up to. I was able to convince them that she is a threat to the life we know today. A long time ago I had taken some papers from my mother's office in Factionless, numerous items of proof.

I was assured that Evelyn has no legal right to the baby, she is not a blood relation. Tris and I easily will have legal rights to raise our sister.

Although she had no rights, I knew Evelyn needed to be neutralized to ensure that Tris and Natty would always be safe. After sharing her plans to overthrow the current government, it was decided that Evelyn and her organization needed to be apprehended immediately.

As the plan quickly fell into place, I was pulled aside by Max. He once again invited me to join Dauntless leadership, stressing how much my faction needs my specific skills. This time, instead of immediately refusing, I told Max I would think about it.

"Okay, I just got word that it's time to move. Team A take the north entrance, Team B the south entrance, and Team C the front door. Have your guard up everyone," the mission lead instructed. I move into position along with the others.

Entering with my team through the front doors of the main building that I had identified as housing her main office and central operations, I realize that it is the perfect picture of organized chaos. The first team members to confront the Factionless were met with weapons and a fight. As our numbers kept pouring in they realized there was no hope and they began to surrender peacefully. We outnumbered them with man power and skill, there was no competition. Releasing a sigh of relief, I am glad that I had accurately recounted the numbers I was expecting to see at Factionless headquarters.

I am in the process of restraining one Factionless member when I notice my mother being led through the main entryway, she is handcuffed with a guard on each side of her. Her eyes are wild with rage, a scowl across her face. Although I just saw her a few days ago, she looks different now, older even.

Before seeing me Evelyn begins screaming at her Factionless soldiers, cursing them for their surrender.

"You," she hisses as her eyes focus on me. "This is because of you, isn't it?"

Stepping closer to avoid yelling, I have no desire to raise my voice and give everyone a show.

"This is because of  _you_ , Evelyn," I say coldly. "You haven't changed at all, at least not for the better."

"I am your mother! Nothing will ever change that," she murmurs as though trying to convince herself.

Stepping even closer, I calmly continue. "After everything that happened to me, after you abandoned me… How could you be so ruthless to Tris, even worse to a defenseless baby? A child that is my blood!"

For the first time Evelyn turns her face away in what I can only assume is shame. It is not enough to stop me from saying all that has to be said.

"To give my sister to Marcus is irredeemable in my eyes. You are an awful person. This is me saying goodbye forever, Evelyn. Stay away from me and my family," I demand. I need her to know this is over. "I never want to see you again."

My mother suddenly rushes at me viciously, the rage in her face is something I will never forget. The guards holding her are able to secure at the last moment, although my arms were ready to hold her and block her attack.

Being led away, she comes face to face with the different Faction leaders that were told it was safe to enter the now secure building. Evelyn directs her fury at the group, promising revenge and an end to their tyranny of lies.

Shaking my head in dismay as I watch the heated exchange, I'm startled when I feel Max's hand on my shoulder.

"Four, you doing okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, it's fine. I'm just glad it's over," I reply.

"I can only imagine. I know it's been a really long day for you, but I would like to remind you of the offer on the table," Max says firmly. "I want you on my leadership team."

"I'll think about, seriously this time," I promise. From the moment Max approached me about the new position, my thoughts went to Tris. I know that I want to marry her, and soon. A position in Leadership would pay substantially more. I want to be able to provide for our family.

"Right now I want to get back to Dauntless and see Tris."

* * *

**** Tris POV ****

Running my hands slowly up and down Four's back as we lie in his bed, I kiss his shoulder lovingly.

"Am I getting too heavy?" he murmurs.

"Not at all. I love having you close to me, especially after we make love," I whisper, holding him tighter to me.

"Keep that up, and we will be making love again in a few minutes," he chuckles, playfully nipping at my shoulder.

Laughing I push him off emphatically. "Yeah no, three times in a row is more than enough. I need a break, actually my body needs a break!"

Grinning proudly, Four pulls me into his side, I rest my head on his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat. So much has happened in the last twenty-four hours, it's hard to wrap my head around it.

Breaking the peaceful silence a few moments later, Four pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Both of my parents lunged at me today, both wanting to seriously hurt me. I don't even know why it bothers me. It wasn't a surprise and I hate them both," he mumbles.

My heart aches for him, "No matter what, or who they are...they are still your parents. I think it is normal for you to feel  _something_  about this whole mess."

Four nods his head in agreement, his eyes are dark. I can see that his mind is racing a mile a minute.

Propping myself up to kiss him slowly on the lips, my heart flutters when he immediately deepens it.

"Thank you," he says. "For always being you, and being here for me."

"That was really nice of Max and Jack Kang to follow up this evening, I can't believe how quickly everything is moving," I comment with caution.

Four and I were eating a late dinner when the two leaders stopped by his apartment. They wanted to let us know that Evelyn and all of her top leadership had been apprehended. Her second in command flipped on her, which has made it almost impossible that she will get away with this.

Both Evelyn and Marcus will be paying for their crimes. Their trials will be rushed and then sentencing will shortly follow.

"Do you think we are doing the right thing, about Natty?" I whisper. A lump forming in my throat. I miss her so much

Four sighs, I know he struggles with our decision as well.

"I think the absolute safest thing we can do for Natty is wait until Marcus is officially convicted and punished. It kills me to be apart from her, but right now she is very well hidden and safe," Four reminds me.

"I know it's the right thing, I'm just sad about it. If Marcus were to be found innocent he would have every legal right to claim her," I shudder at the thought.

"I believe Jack and what he promised this evening," Four says.

"I do too. I know he will move Marcus's trial along quickly. Especially now that all of the families relating to the bus crash victims found out it was not an accident," I remind him. "I can also admit that I will sleep better tonight after Max and Jack's visit."

"I think Max also wanted one more chance this evening to invite me to take the leadership position," Four muses.

Sitting up and putting my pajama top back on I study Four's face for a clue to what he is really thinking.

I don't have to speculate for long.

"I want to take it. I want to become a leader in Dauntless," Four says slowly. "The city's leaders impressed me today. They were able to work together quickly in order to make things right. I want to be a part of that."

Leaning over to kiss him in celebration, "I'm happy for you, my love."

"I'll let Max know tomorrow, I'll have to officially give notice to my job in surveillance and step down from being an instructor."

A giggle escapes me, "How will you survive without your surveillance position? I know how you love being able to stalk people at your whim."

A deep laugh rolls through his chest. Four's eyes bright as he leans over to kiss me deeply.

Breaking away he chuckles, "Don't worry. I've already thought of that. As a Leader I will still have access to all of the surveillance data."

I roll my eyes and laugh at him. It's wonderful to see him like this.

He is happy and hopeful.

And now, so am I.

**++o+ Chapter End +o++**


	36. Happily Ever After

**Chapter 36: Happily Ever After (M version)**

**Date: Mid-October +o+ Baby Natty is 9 months old**

**^^ A Month Later ^^**

****Tris POV****

"Mama… mama… ma-mah!" Natty babbles from her high chair, her baby puff snacks bouncing on the tray as she pounds on it with her chubby little palms. I finish swiping the mascara onto the eyelashes of my left eye and pause to turn and smile at her before repeating on my other eyelashes. I had dragged her chair near the doorway to the bathroom before I started to apply my makeup― something once so foreign to me, but which, under Christina's influence, has become routine― so that Natty could see me. Now that she is pulling up on furniture and cruising, I can hardly leave her out of my sight for a moment, and I want to look perfect tonight.

Natty smiles widely at me, showing off the six pearly white teeth at the center of her mouth: four on top, two on the bottom. When Monica's husband smuggled my daughter to Amity a month ago, she had only four teeth. When we were reunited with Natty two weeks ago, that little detail― that I missed the emergence of two new teeth, that I wasn't there when she was undoubtedly up crying with the pain of teething― caused me to burst into tears, mourning the time I had lost with her even while I was overjoyed to have her back.

Really, I know how fortunate I am that I was only separated from her 2 ½ weeks; had Jack Kang not pushed so hard to move Marcus and Evelyn's legal proceedings along quickly, much more time would have passed before we deemed the situation safe. But in those few weeks, Marcus and Evelyn's separate trials were completed and their sentences carried out. Marcus was convicted on forty-two counts of conspiracy to commit murder ― one for each person who died in that bus accident ― and was promptly executed. Four and I chose not to attend the execution; we just wanted to move on with our lives, so instead, that was the day that we traveled to Amity and retrieved Natty from Monica's cousin, Tracy, who had clearly taken excellent care of her in our absence.

Evelyn was sentenced to life in prison for the steps she had taken toward overthrowing the government. That sentence ended up being much shorter than anticipated; only a few days after we brought Natty back to Dauntless, Four received word that his mother had died in the prison dining hall. Four had told me about how his mother cursed her own people on the day they were captured, and I witnessed the way she turned on them in her trial; it seems that in the process, she burned every last bridge she had and made some fierce enemies. I am sure that Four's role in the arrests of his mother and her followers didn't help anything. In the end, it was one of her own former allies that shanked Evelyn to death with a toothbrush that had been sharpened into a shiv.

When I heard the news about Evelyn's sudden death, the first thing I felt was relief. While a violent end like that is something I wouldn't wish even on that vile woman, Natty is always my top priority, and both people who threatened her safety were now dead, and unable to ever put my daughter in danger again. But that relief only lasted a moment. There in front of me stood Evelyn's son, the man I love with all my heart. My heart sank when I realized the emotions that might be playing through Four's mind and heart; Evelyn may have put him through hell, she may have left him at the mercy of a monster, and threatened the life that he had built for himself and people he loved most… but she was still his mother, and I feared how her death would affect him.

Four quickly reassured me that he was okay. "Marcus and Evelyn… they're not my family, Tris," he told me. "I gave up the idea that they could fill that role in my life a long time ago. It doesn't matter what my birth certificate says, it matters who fills my heart.  _You_  are my family, Tris― you and Natty. As long as I have you two, I'm alright, Tris. You're all I want and all I need."

I was skeptical at first, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never did. Four really had come to terms with his parents' inability to love him the way he needed long before their deaths, and he closed that chapter of his life, focusing instead on the life we are building together here in Dauntless. We are happy, we love each other, and the rest is just static.

He is the man I want to spend forever with. I've hinted at that fact, and I feel like he has, too, but I haven't been able to bring myself to actually ask him what his thoughts are on our future together. What if I'm misreading his feelings and bringing up something like  _the rest of our lives_  or  _marriage_  is just too soon for Four? Things are so good right now, the last thing I want to do is scare him off. We're young, there's plenty of time for that. I know he loves and is committed to Natty and me, and for now, that's enough.

Natty lets out a high pitched squeal just as I finish applying my makeup. I smile at her and she reaches her arms up to me as I lift her out of the high chair. "Hi, baby girl," I coo. "What do you think? Does Mommy look pretty for her date with Four tonight?" Natty babbles random syllables and pats my face with her chubby little hands before giving me a wet kiss on the chin.

I laugh as I glance at the clock. "Come on, sweetie, let's get you ready to go. You get to hang out with Chris and Will tonight!" Natty smiles happily; she loves Christina. Like most of our friends, Christina is practically family to Natty. Once everything was safe, we even were able to admit to our friends that Natty is both Four and my half-sister. Everyone was shocked. Zeke tried to mask his hurt at Four keeping such big secrets from him even after two years as best friends, though Christina and Uriah were much more open about their displeasure. But in the end, after hearing the full story, everyone understood the choices we made and moved past it pretty seamlessly. It's a relief to have it all out in the open among the important people in our lives.

While Natty loves Christina, she likes Will, too; she just didn't spend much time with him while he and Chris were on the outs. But Will and Natty are getting to know one another better now that he and Christina are giving their relationship another try. He and Four are becoming friends as well now that Four accepted the leadership position, as they now work together. Four talks a lot with me about his work in leadership, and he is glad that he finally accepted the position― it's going well. He's on a faster track than Will is to a full leadership position, considering how many years Max has tried to recruit Four and his role in stopping a factionless rebellion, but I know Will is the coworker he is most comfortable with. Eric has always been a thorn in Four's side, but the comical stories the boys share about working with Eric always have me laughing. He is definitely an  _interesting_ character, but Four seems to have the situation well under control. It's pretty well known that Four is Max's "golden boy", and it also helps that Four played such a large role in bringing down a threat that would impact the entire city.

We talk about how my day at work went nearly every night as well. I'm only a few months away from graduating from student to intern and even though I'm mostly just doing grunt work at this point, I find everything in the infirmary fascinating. The classes I am taking make me confident for the time when I will be expected to be more hands on with patients. I know this was the right choice for me; I don't think I'll ever get bored. The Erudite side of my work makes me feel closer to my father and brother, and helping people keeps me connected to my Abnegation roots. I think my parents would be proud of me.

I blow raspberries on Natty's tummy before I pull her little black shirt over her head, and she giggles and squirms. Another glance at the clock tells me that Four will be off work any minute; I'm supposed to meet him by the net in an hour, and Christina my very well insist upon adding to my makeup, though I swear I've done everything she taught me. I pull socks on Natty's feet to keep them warm― she doesn't need shoes yet― and hold her close to me, breathing in her scent. She sighs contentedly and rests her head on my shoulder as I sling the diaper bag over the opposite arm and hurry out the door.

* * *

I arrive to the net much more made-up than I was when I left my apartment; just as I feared, Christina insisted that my make-up was too light, my hair was too plain, and my dress too modest. So now, my eye make-up is a touch more drastic but still classic, she only added a gloss on top of the color I had originally chosen, my hair is in a fishtail braid, and I am tugging down one of Christina's dresses, which only comes to mid-thigh. I can't help but wonder what the dress looks like on Christina, who is much taller than I am.

I climb the stairs to the platform next to the net, and a swarm of butterflies takes flight in my stomach as Four comes into view. He looks so handsome in his button-down gray-and-black striped shirt and black jeans― my favorite ones, the ones that hug his butt perfectly― that my stomach does flips and I just want to drag him home and have my way with him.

He lights up when he sees me and looks me up and down. "Wow," Four breathes. "You look amazing, Tris."

"You look pretty handsome yourself," I tease as I rise up onto my toes and kiss him, careful not to ignite a fire that we can't put out. "So, what do you have planned for us tonight?"

"It's a surprise," Four smirks. He picks up a basket I hadn't noticed sitting behind him and takes my hand. But he doesn't lead me down the steps yet; he just looks at the net for a moment, then back at me. "You know, Tris, our reunion here at the net… well, it didn't go like I had imagined it." I laugh lightly; I remember how angry I was with him in that moment. We both understand one another, the feelings we were each struggling with at that time, and we're okay with it all. What happened before is past and forgiven, but still a part of our story and important to each of us.

"I know," I say, smiling reassuringly.

"But it was still the beginning of our journey together― as the people we are now." He begins to lead me down the stairs. "It's taken some time, and we've overcome so much together." We reach the bottom of the stairs and he leads me to a door. We begin to climb, and the flight after flight of stairs. As he continues I realize that we are climbing onto the roof, the place we each first jumped off the train to enter Dauntless for the first time. "While we are different people than we were as sheltered kids in Abnegation, I never want to forget where we started. Somewhere inside Four and Tris, we're still Tobias and Beatrice, too.

"And Tobias and Beatrice… had some of their most important moments on rooftops," he continues as he pushes on a heavy metal door at the top of the eleventh flight of stairs. It opens with a groan; I step over the threshold and he props it open with a segment of pipe someone left near the door.

I gasp as I take in the sight before me. The rooftop has been transformed into the most romantic setting I have ever laid eyes on. All around, candles flicker, each in small lanterns to protect them from the wind. A small table is set in the middle of the rooftop with a bouquet of colorful flowers in a vase― lit of course with another lantern, this one decorative looking― atop a white tablecloth. Next to the table I see a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket of ice.

Four takes my hand again and leads me to the table, setting, the basket down next to the champagne. "Four," I say, unable to hide the astonishment from my voice, "this is amazing. I can't believe you did all this… for me." He just smiles and kisses my hand. But his smile looks a little forced, and I notice his hand shaking in mine. "Are you alright, Four?" I ask, bringing my free hand to his cheek. He leans into my touch and closes his eyes.

Four takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. To be honest, he's kind of scaring me; I've never seen him so nervous before. Then he opens his eyes, and I get lost in their deep blue, that dreaming, sleeping, waiting color, and my stomach flips again as I am overwhelmed by the love I see pouring from them.

"Tris," Four says quietly, "I wanted to eat dinner before I say this, but I just can't wait any longer." I bite my lip nervously, and he runs his thumb across to free it.

"The first time I saw you," he begins, "was on a rooftop. I will never forget that first moment you turned around and looked at me. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, and the sadness I saw in your eyes pierced right into my heart. I wanted nothing more than to take that sadness away, hold onto you and keep you safe. Right away, I knew you were different, Tris. I could tell. And I was certain of it when we kissed for the first time. That kiss... " He runs his thumb over the pendant hanging from a chain around my neck― the same necklace that he gave me more than two years ago, the first gift I ever received. "I never forgot about you. I got you this necklace shortly after that, and held onto it in hopes that one day, we would meet again."

"Then some months later, after we were thrown into such an awkward situation by our parents' marriage, after all the time we spent fighting our feelings, we ended up on another rooftop." I smile at the memory― I was so hurt and angry that night. "That night, we finally admitted how we really felt about one another. We knew it would be complicated, but something like what we have… it just cannot be denied, Tris. I had already fallen in love with you then, and knowing that you had feelings for me, too… it was the greatest night of my life, only to finally be topped when you forgave me by the Chasm."

I cup his cheek with my palm and stand on my toes to kiss him. "I love you," I murmur.

"I love you too, Tris… so much," he sighs. Then he reaches into his pocket and the next thing I know, he is sinking down to kneel before me. When it registers, what I'm seeing― when I realize that in front of me is the love of my life, the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, kneeling before me on one knee― when I see the small black velvet box in his hands― I gasp into my hands.

"Tris Prior," Four says, his dark blue eyes piercing into me, "I have loved you for many years, and I love you more every day. I know there is no one else I want to wake up next to, share my secrets with, share my life with. You and Natty are everything to me, Tris, and you always will be. I'm all in." My eyes go blurry with happy tears as he opens the box to reveal a perfectly simple diamond ring. "Tris, will you marry me?"

My hands are still over my mouth covering my smile, I can't catch my breath, I feel like I am floating on a cloud. It's the increasingly nervous look in Four's eyes that brings me back to earth enough to choke out a response. "Yes," I cry out, pulling my hands away and holding the left out to him. "I am all in, too! Yes, yes, of course I will," I exclaim as Four takes the ring out of the box and slides it onto my finger. He doesn't even give me time to examine it closer before pulling me down onto his knee and kissing me passionately.

After dinner, Four leads me right past Christina's place without stopping for Natty. I begin to protest but he picks me up bridal style and continues on to his apartment. "I already cleared it with Will," he explains as he fumbles trying to get the key into his door. "He and Chris will keep the baby overnight. I want you all to myself tonight, future wife."

"Good planning, future husband," I laugh as he carries me over the threshold and kicks the door shut. He carries me straight to his bed and tosses me onto it playfully. I lean back on my elbows, not bothering to right my skirt that is riding up onto my hip, and smirk at him as he looks me up and down hungrily. I know exactly what he has in mind, but I ask anyway. "Now that you have me all to yourself, what are you going to do with me?"

Four smirks back. "I have a few ideas," he admits as he joins me on the bed, covering my body with his.

That hungry, almost predatory look he's been giving me already has a dull ache building low in my stomach, but Four takes his time. He kisses me slowly as his hand trails down my side, sending shivers of anticipation through me. I moan as he kisses down my neck to the ravens on my collarbone and drags his hand behind me until he finds the zipper at my back. I sit up so he can pull the zipper down as I, much less patiently than he is undressing me, unbutton his shirt. We pepper each other's bodies with kisses as the heap of discarded clothing on the floor grows.

Finally all that's left is my black lace panties. Four hooks his thumbs under the waistband at each of my hips, and slowly drags them down my legs. He tosses them to the floor before kissing up my right leg, skipping past the place I need him most before ghosting down the other leg with his lips, then back up. I feel his hot breath hovering over my center and grip the sheets with my fingers.

After what feels like forever but if probably only seconds, his velvet tongue licks a slow stripe up my seam before his lips latch around my clit. My groan of pleasure spurs him on, alternating between sucking and circling my most sensitive place with his tongue. I grip his short hair with my fingers, pushing him down into me as I grind against his mouth, and he pushes his fingers inside me. "Oh― oh, don't stop," I pant as his ministrations quickly push me to a familiar summit. I gasp out his name as he pushes his fingers deeper inside me and hooks them to hit that perfect spot, simultaneously nipping at my clit with his teeth, and I tumble over the edge.

While I recover, Four grins cockily as he slides up my body. I pull him against me and kiss him hard, tasting myself on his tongue. Our tongues dance as he enters me and we rock together, whispering I love yous between our moans and whimpers of pure bliss, until we are both finally spent. I cuddle into Four and he pulls the blanket over us before we both drift off to sleep.

* * *

**Date: Mid-December +o+ Baby Natty is 11 months old**

**^^ Two Months Later ^^**

****Four POV****

"Will, this is ridiculous. You can't be serious," I groan. "Tris and I don't believe in these stupid superstitions."

Will shakes his head. "I don't either― the idea that seeing your bride before the wedding will somehow ruin your marriage is ridiculous. But Christina  _does_ , and you know how she is! I can't lie to her! She has those crazy freakish Candor lie detector abilities!" He glances around nervously and blushes when he sees the black-and-white clothed Candor members nearby glare at him. We are in their faction, after all.

I shake my head. "So what you're actually saying is that you're afraid of your girlfriend getting mad at you," I smirk.

"Yes," Will sighs. "Yes, okay? She's gonna freak out. So you can't go in there. I will watch for Tris to come out and go to the elevator while you stay here around the corner, and I'll let you know when she's gone."

I stare Will down. I have no intention of signing Natty's adoption papers without Tris right next to me, just because Christina has some silly superstition. After a moment, I uncross my arms and place one hand on each of Will's shoulders.

"Will," I say, shaking my head slightly, "you're Dauntless. Be brave." Then I let my hands drop from his shoulders and walk purposefully around the corner and down the hall to Jack Kang's office to meet Tris and Natty, ignoring the objections that Will calls out after me.

Tris's back is to me when I open the door to Jack's office, and she immediately turns and smiles at me, her eyes lit up with happiness, as blue as a summer's day.

Natty reaches for me from Tris's arms. "Look, Natty, it's Dada!" Tris says. We started teaching Natty to call me 'Dada' the morning after my proposal; she already knew Tris as Mama. She hasn't quite got it yet.

"Hi, Natty! I missed you," I coo as I take her from Tris's arms, even though I just saw her last night. I kiss the top of her head and bury my nose in her wispy blonde hair, breathing the sweet baby scent that I became fond of the first time I was alone with Natty, after Capture the Flag just six months ago. Some might think Tris and I are moving too fast, but we feel ready. We've been through enough together to know that we can make it through whatever life throws at us, and that we want to face those challenges together.

"Alright, I have the adoption documents ready for you here. Four, you will sign next to the blue flags, and Tris, you sign next to the red ones," Jack instructs us. "Be sure to check every page; we don't want to have to call you back here due to incomplete documents."

I let Natty down and follow her as she toddles around the room until Tris tells me that she's finished; we trade places and I sign next to each blue flag― seven of them in all― and then flip carefully through each page once again to be sure I haven't missed anything.

Jack looks over the paperwork. I couldn't keep the smile off my face if I tried as I watch Tris and Natty. Tris quickly swoops in to right a glass sculpture that Natty nearly knocks over before chasing after her to prevent the next potential catastrophe. Ever since Natty began to walk last month, she's become quite the handful, curious and quick. I could imagine Tris being that way as a toddler, I'm sure she kept Natalie on her toes. I chuckle under my breath before I rescue Tris by scooping up Natty, who giggles at the sudden weightlessness.

"All right," says Jack, and Tris and I gather again in front of his desk. "Everything looks to be in order. Congratulations on the adoption of your daughter, and on your wedding. This is a big day for you three," he says warmly. We've become quite friendly with Jack Kang over the past month, though I hope not to be required in Candor again for a very long time.

* * *

**^^Wedding reception, later that day^^**

Tris and I sway back and forth to some romantic-sounding music, our first dance together as a married couple. Our first public dance together, period, actually― we have practiced it a few times in our apartments, but never in front of other people.

"I know this day is about us and all, but I'm not loving having so many people staring at us," Tris admits.

"I know what you mean―" I'm cut off by Tris laughing. I pull back and raise an eyebrow.

"Christina and Will," she chuckles. I maneuver us, still dancing the whole time, so that I can see in the direction she was looking. Will looks like a puppy with his tail between his legs as Christina wags a finger at him, while Uriah holds Natty with one hand covering her ear with the other pressed into his chest while he edges away from Christina.

"He was supposed to keep us apart today," I admit, chuckling. "He obviously failed." Will is now glaring at me from across the room. I just shrug and smirk.

"I know," Tris laughs. "Chris gave me an earful while she was getting me ready for the ceremony. This must be the first chance she's had to yell at Will for it. She'll get over it, probably in about ten minutes. They'll be fine." Christina and Will ended their "break" a few months ago, and while Christina's dramatics have been brought out by arguments a few times, they seem to be a lot better at working through their disagreements than they had before their "break."

I lift one hand to cup her cheek. "There was no way some stupid superstition of Christina's was keeping me from my wife and daughter today, of all days. This is the happiest day of my life."

After a few more songs, Tris and I sneak away from the dance floor to eat a few bites of dinner and share a glass of champagne. As we finish eating, Uriah and Marlene approach us, Marlene now carrying Natty. She hands her to Tris and Natty waves bye-bye to Mar before nuzzling her face into her mother's neck. "Has she been any trouble?" Tris asks.

"Of course not! My little sweetheart is always an angel," Uriah scoffs.

Marlene just laughs. "No, she's been as sweet as always and liked dancing with us," she adds as Uriah slips his arm around her waist. "Do you guys mind if we slip away to dance without her for a few, though?"

"Of course not," I smile. "We're going to miss her this weekend." We've decided to honeymoon on the outskirts of Amity, and Natty and Monica will stay with Tracy, Monica's cousin, in Amity while we're gone, so at least we won't be too far away from her. Marlene pulls Uriah onto the dance floor and they sway to a slow, romantic song. Whenever I see them together, I wonder how I could have ever been so worried about Uriah and Tris, when Marlene has clearly always been perfect for him.

Shauna and Zeke approach us next. Tris hands Natty over to me before Shauna gives her a hug and congratulates us. Zeke claps his hand on my shoulder. "I can't believe you're really married, Four," he laughs. "I never thought I'd see the day that you actually got serious with a girl, let alone get married a few months later and adopt a baby. I'm happy for you, man."

"Thanks, Zeke," I smile.

"What can I say," he says quietly, and quiet is unusual for Zeke. "You're happier than I've ever seen you, it makes this whole settling down thing look attractive." I smirk. I know how much Zeke adores Shauna, maybe they'll be the next ones at the altar.

"Want us to take Natty so you can get back to the dance floor?" Shauna offers.

"No, thank you," Tris declines, "I would like a few more minutes with her now." Shauna nods with understanding. Those few weeks away from Natty while things were sorted out with Marcus and Evelyn were excruciating for both of us, and while I know we are both looking forward to the honeymoon, I think we are both a little apprehensive at the thought of being away from our daughter for several nights.

We mill around the room, letting Natty steal most of the attention as we thank our guests. We finally come to Amar and George, who both made it back from their missions just a few weeks ago. Had they been back to Dauntless sooner, we may have married even more quickly, but I wanted Amar to officiate the ceremony. He did a fantastic job, just as I knew he would. I just couldn't get married without my mentor present.

"You have a beautiful family here, Four," George says warmly.

"Yes, we're looking forward to getting to know you both better," Amar directs to Tris.

Tris smiles. "Likewise," Tris says. "Four has told me a lot about you both. Thank you for being there for him." Over the past few months, I've told Tris a lot more about my first couple of years at Dauntless, and Amar and George played an essential role in my adjusting to life here and becoming the man I am today.

"Well, there will be plenty of time for that," Amar assures us. "Max doesn't expect us to be sent out on any more extended missions for a while. You're stuck with us."

"Damn," I joke. "And I thought I'd escaped your meddling." George gives me a hearty laugh. He and Amar know how important they are to me, and Amar has expressed his regret that he wasn't here to help me through the turmoil of Tris's first few months in Dauntless. But it doesn't matter now; Tris and I came through it, and it made us stronger than we ever were before.

* * *

"This is perfect," Tris sighs, looking around the one-room cabin we will spend the next three nights in.

I nod and glance back to smile at her as I pull the screen back over the fireplace. I sit down on the couch next to her and tug at the blanket she is covered with and pulling it over me as well; the room is just beginning to warm up

Being cuddled up near the fireplace, seeing Tris's golden hair falls in waves around her shoulders reminds me of another time, in what feels like another life. I so clearly remember watching Tris take the pins out of her bun in our Abnegation living room, in front of a fireplace much like this one. I had never been able to ignore how beautiful she was, but seeing her hair down took my breath away. There was something so special and intimate about that moment.

Tris must recognize the way I'm looking at her, because she smirks. "What are you thinking about, Four?"

"How beautiful you are." I run my fingers through her hair, slowly and gently. "How beautiful you've always been. How much I love you, and how easy it was to fall in love with you."

Tris looks almost a little shy as she smiles but still reaches up to wrap her arms around my neck and pulls me down toward her. "I love you, Four," she says against my lips before pressing her lips against mine.

The kiss quickly deepens and I stand by the couch, pulling her up with me. I almost hate to take her full-skirted white dress off her― she has never looked more beautiful than she did in this dress today― but I'm still relieved when my fingers find a zipper. I remember looking in the windows of the bridal shop once and noticing that some of the dresses had countless buttons. I thank my lucky stars she didn't choose a dress like that, I don't think I could have waited that long to get her out of this thing.

"Take me to bed, Mr. Eaton," Tris giggles as the dress pools at her feet.

I scoop her up in my arms and she begins unbuttoning my shirt as I carefully step around the dress and carry her to the bed. "With pleasure, Mrs. Eaton."

I lay Tris gently on the bed and discard my shirt before I hover over her, just barely skimming my palm over her lace bra as I kiss her deeply while her hands continue their way down, now unbuttoning my pants. But I want to take this slow tonight. I want to take my time enjoying Tris. We are finally safe, and this is our first time together as husband and wife. It's a moment that I want to savor.

I wrap my fingers around hers and pull her hand away from me. Slowly I begin to kiss every inch of her skin, starting at her ear and jawline, down her neck, then her shoulders and even down her arm, taking an extra moment with the raven on her wrist that represents Natty. I make my way up the other arm before moving on to her collarbone, again pausing at the black ravens that stand out against her creamy white skin. The next place I pause is her breasts, giving them plenty of extra attention before continuing my path down her stomach.

I kiss and caress down one leg, skipping her center, before coming back up the other. Goosebumps stand out all over Tris's skin and it's hard to continue taking my time as I look up at my gorgeous bride, her chest heaving in anticipation.

I move toward the final area I have neglected, so close my lips are almost touching her skin, and stop there, letting her feel my breath on her core before I lick a stripe up her slit, ending at her sensitive bundle of nerves. I have to hold her hips in place to keep her still enough as I pleasure her with my mouth. She tastes amazing and when her breath is coming out in short gasps I stop and slide back up her body. She pulls me to her in a crushing kiss and I rub my tip between her folds a few times before slowly sliding inside her.

When I am fully sheathed we pause, breathing the same air, my forehead resting against hers. Then we begin to rock our hips together at the same time, as if we were reading one another's minds. Our lovemaking is slow and tender, filled with kisses and whispered I love yous, until we are both spent and finally collapse in a tangled heap on the bed. Both feeling sated and completely loved, and exhausted by the long day, I wrap my body around Tris and fall asleep with her in my arms― the way I want to fall asleep every night for the rest of my life.

* * *

**^^Three Days Later^^**

I stop Tris just before the pathway to Tracy's home. Though we are both anxious to see Natty, it is still hard to let go of these blissful few days having Tris all to myself. "Ready to get back to real life?" I ask her.

"Ready or not, it's time," she responds, standing on her toes to give me a long, slow kiss. "Come on, let's go get  _our_  daughter. We'll come back to the cabin again someday."

Tris and I agreed as we prepared to leave the cabin that we would definitely be returning sometime, maybe even as an anniversary getaway for a night or two each year. Knowing that we would recreate our honeymoon again one day made it less difficult to leave behind.

Tris takes my hand and leads me up the path. As we near the door I nearly forget all about my longing to spend more time alone with Tris, because I know that in a few moments I will see my daughter. Three nights is almost too long to be away from her, even for our honeymoon.

I knock, and can hear children's laughter beyond the door. Tracy soon answers with a bright smile on her face and a little boy― one of the daycare children― peeking around her legs. "Four, Tris! Natty has been a little joy, but she will be so happy to see you. She's in the kitchen with Monica eating her afternoon snack."

"Thank you so much, Tracy― we can't wait to see her," Tris says warmly before we hurry back to the kitchen.

When we come through the door, Monica is just finishing up wiping Natty's hands and face with a damp washcloth. She hears us enter and glances back, then moves out of Natty's way so that she can see us.

Her little face lights up as we both rush toward her. Tris reaches her first. "Mama, Mama!" Natty squeals as Tris lifts her out of the high chair.

Then Natty reaches for me. "Dada!" she exclaims. I feel tears well in my eyes, finally hearing her say that word, and seeing that Tris is holding back tears as well as she places Natty in my arms. I hold Natty against my shoulder and kiss her head, smell that amazing baby scent with my nose buried in her hair.

In that moment, I feel that everything is finally right in the world. We have struggled and we have grown stronger despite every obstacle, every struggle, every deception and every secret. I finally have the family I know a part of me always secretly wished for.

**++o+ Story End +o++**


End file.
